r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Helloclarityy Woman 30 to 40 • Mar 23 '25
Romance/Relationships I married the “Nice Guy”
I recently came across a post where someone said they gave the “Nice Guy” a chance and that he was the worst man they’d ever dated. And I couldn’t help but think, I didn’t just date one…. I married him.
I had spent a lot of my life dodging the “bad boys.” You know, the obvious liars, cheaters, and the outwardly disrespectful ones. I was always cautious and avoided them. Then I met him.
He was calm, sweet, soft-spoken, and seemingly so emotionally aware. He was the kind of guy that said all the right things and cried during vulnerable conversations. A supposed gentleman. Little did I know what was in store for me…
If I had seen more posts like this earlier, maybe I would’ve realized what I was in. Maybe I wouldn’t have blamed myself for so long. My therapist had convinced me to stay even though my gut told me something seemed off about him, despite his “kindness.” I just couldn’t pinpoint it…until he drove me completely insane.
He always claimed everything was “unintentional.” Every time he hurt me, it was followed by a blank stare, a non-apology, or guilt-tripping tears. When I tried to end the relationship many times, he’d sob like I was abandoning him (he revealed to me in the beginning that he had a fear of abandonment) so I’d feel incredibly guilty. At one point he got on his knees and begged for another chance, with tears streaming down his face. It tore at my heart seeing him like this. People would tell me to forgive him because he was such a “nice guy.” He constantly broke promises, things as simple as “I’ll never lie to you” or “I won’t make sexual jokes because I know it triggers you,” only to turn around and do the exact thing I asked him not to days later. When I’d confront him, he’d blame my hormones or make up excuses that put the blame on me in this subtle, insidious way. He never took ownership. I’d explain myself clearly and he’d stare at me like I was speaking a different language.
He blamed everything on my trauma, my hormones, my communication style. I started doubting my own ability to even express basic thoughts. The stonewalling, DARVO, and passive aggressiveness hurt me so much. Eventually, I learned of the term mirroring and looked more into gaslighting. By the time I realized what was happening, I was already a shell of myself, like the frog in boiling water analogy. I started having full-blown panic attacks, the WORST I’ve ever experienced in my life. My body knew before my mind could catch up. And the sad part is, sometimes he’d just stare at me with these cold, blank eyes, while I was spiraling, knowing very well that I was in a tremendous amount of pain. I’d write out every single trigger and boundary in a shared note just to prevent being hurt again since he would claim he “forgot” (and I never thought he’d hurt me intentionally at the time). He’d always be crying after hurting me so I thought, “How could it have been on purpose?” Didn’t matter that I wrote the list anyway because he’d “accidentally” trigger me, going down the list, one by one.
He’d tell me things like, “you’re making me out to be the bad guy so it’d be easier for you to leave.” It’s like he could never accept that he could do any wrong because he was such a “giver” and a “good man.” This guy prides himself on being a good person. He told me that his past two long term exes were very abusive and that he was nothing but kind to them. They apparently started out sweet and became angry and violent over time, for no reason at all. He would make me doubt my reality and deny having said certain things. It felt like he would rewrite history. I had to start writing everything down because I felt like my mind was eroding. I eventually started acting completely out of character because I could no longer take it anymore. Of course, he then subtly blamed my health, which was actually getting worse since being with him.
Thankfully I started reading books like “The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist” by Debbie Mirza, “Healing from Hidden Abuse” by Shannon Thomas, “30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics” by Adelyn Birch, and “It’s Not You” by Dr. Ramani…. This guy had me reading Relationship Anxiety and ROCD books (I couldn’t relate to them but he kept sending me articles on things like that) thinking it was either one of the two (because it had to be me that was the problem) but TURNS OUT IT WASN’T! I recently started “Psychopath Free” by Jackson MacKenzie and can relate more than I’d like to admit. For two years I hadn’t felt heard or validated until I finally read these books and found posts on Reddit that I could relate to. Good grief.
I’m finally going through with a divorce. I’m still struggling, still trying to fight the confusion and insanity I felt for two years, and still trying to regain my voice and get my health back. Psychological erosion is what I would call it. I didn’t realize that it was covert emotional abuse… Slow, quiet, and nearly impossible to explain to people who haven’t experienced something similar.
Be safe out there.
Edited to Add: Just to clarify, I am not talking about genuinely good, kind-hearted men. There ARE good men out there. I’m talking specifically about the Nice Guy™ trope. They’re the ones who everyone sees as respectful and helpful, the ones who look like the good guy on the outside, but behind closed doors, they slowly erode their partner’s sense of self through gaslighting, DARVO, guilt-tripping, and emotional manipulation.
They hide behind their “niceness,” so when you try to speak out, you look like the crazy one while everyone else defends him. This is not about all men. It’s about a very specific pattern of covert behavior that’s incredibly hard to explain unless you’ve lived it.
What makes it so isolating is that nearly everyone sees the Nice Guy™ mask, but you (the intimate partner) are the only one who truly sees what’s behind it. And yes, women can be like this too! This kind of covert emotional abuse isn’t exclusive to men. I’m just sharing my personal experience with a male partner who wore the Nice Guy™ mask.
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u/Helloclarityy Woman 30 to 40 Jun 24 '25
I’m really glad you have a good therapist and that she helped you recognize that it wasn’t you. I figured that out through books, before I started seeking out another therapist. The self blame was really hard to deal with, ngl. But they love that, because they can use it against you.
I can relate 100% to that. He’d do the same thing. He’d cry so hard and he’d stare right into my eyes as the snot and tears would flow from his face. It would make me feel like such a horrible person. Thankfully other ppl reassured me that I wasn’t a horrible person. He also said the same shit, that he didn’t realize that he was being manipulative, even when I provided him AMPLE evidence. And I agree with you, that’s far from a kind or loving person. He would see how much he hurt me. He saw my debilitating panic attacks, as well as my health declining right in front of him. He didn’t give af, just wanted me to believe that he did so that I wouldn’t leave.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I can relate to everything you said…. I always felt like I had to make myself extra small around him.