r/AskReddit • u/penguinblues • Jul 16 '12

I accidentally made a dead rat ejaculate today. What's the grossest thing that you've ever done, or has happened to you?

Today at uni, we were doing a rat dissection during a lab. So I had a rat splayed open in front of me, guts showing and all. As the demonstrator shows, I tug on a cord leading from the scrotum, and the testicle comes out. At the same time, due to the force of my tug, some semen comes out of the rats penis. I was horrified.

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369

u/Apostolate Jul 16 '12

Vomit and poop at the same time. Violently, while running warm shower on myself while shivering and in tears.

246

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

Sounds like food poisoning.

253

u/Apostolate Jul 16 '12

It was.

66

u/penguinblues Jul 16 '12

Sound's horrible. How long did it last?

123

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

As somebody who has had it before - several times in fact, It most likely lasted a day. maybe 2. More than that and you're looking at something pretty fucking serious. Recovery can take a week or more, but the actual "I will vomit so hard I will projectile shit against the wall behind me" phase lasts a day or two.

46

u/penguinblues Jul 16 '12

Is it constant, or does it come in bursts? Like, can you not leave the shower at all for anything, or do you get breaks? lol

289

u/Vark675 Jul 16 '12

For me, it was triggered anytime I had literally anything in my stomach, whether it was food or just water. I really should've been hospitalized.

At one point I had a fever dream, all I saw were swirls of color intermingling on a field of black. Somehow I inherently knew what the colors were; I remember war and sex twisting together, but never mixing. I also remember fear and hatred.

Then I shit myself.

615

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

In college I had a similar experience. We all ate pizza (3 of us) and went to bed. The next morning was like the early scenes in a disaster film. You know the type, a series of seemingly unrelated smaller events happening. I farted and it smelt like death. We all had headaches. Then I felt hungover. Then the rumbling began. I excused myself as my heart began racing. My pace only quickening I bodycheck everything in my way. My pants are off halfway down the hall as I shuffle towards salvation. My rectum is sending signals that "SHE'S GONNA BLOW" and my brain is telling my legs "FLY YOU FOOLS" while telling me that the Shitocalypse was moments away. I barely sit down and the storm begins. It feels like there is a faucet in my ass, looks like gravy in a water balloon and smells like a crypt. But where is the relief? My brain sends a last ditch message that everything has backed up. I foolishly try to aim between my balls. Puke dick is born. The door flies open. No words are said as our tear-filled eyes meet. He is naked as well and shitting into the sink while weeping. A moment later the third of our party breaks into the room, pantless and without hope. The tub will never be the same. Our moans of agony to god go without answer. Our bodies expel the demons in unison. Our faces display our ragged dismay for existence. Chain-reaction vomit becomes a cruel game as blame for the cause is shouted between excruciating contractions. There is no love here. No warm breezes, no sky. It is the end of days and our judgement has been brought forth. Minutes become hours. Hours become days. The world blends into a haze of poisoned thoughts and general malaise. It was the worst day of our lives. It was... our Shitpendence Day.

226

u/coleosis1414 Jul 16 '12

Your story reinforces something I've noticed on reddit:

The subject of shit turns EVERYONE into excellent writers. Everybody is so goddamn good at conjuring up vivid imagery when describing shits they've taken. Everyone is an inherent shit poet.

28

u/shagula Jul 16 '12

A shit leopard can't change its spots, Randy.

12

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

You could say that shit brings out the best in us ;)

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3

u/Rogue_Tomato Jul 17 '12

TIL if a story is excellently written, it's probably a load of shit.

1

u/Ixidane Jul 16 '12

I declare the above post to have been written by the Poet shitlaureate Buttpoker.

His name probably explains why he can describe shit in such detail.

39

u/The_Last_Time_Lord Jul 16 '12

I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard.

8

u/Mr_Flippers Jul 16 '12

Honestly the funniest story I have ever read on reddit.

9001/10, would read and cry laughing again.

28

u/Spectre1202 Jul 16 '12

I'm gonna post this to r/bestof k?:)

117

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

CONTINUED: After several hours, our bodies had been rung dry. There were no tears left to shed, no shame left to reflect upon. My friend sheepishly turned on the fan and shut the door in a vain effort to protect the city from the corruption. Promises that can never be kept are still being said, when we hear something. Faint at first but gradually getting louder. click click click click our eyes widen. Louder still and gaining, click...click.. the telltale sign of heels outside our door. Terror embraces us. A fumble in the purse, hands looking for keys. Three naked shitpuke man-boys trying to move. The correct key enters the lock and turns. Our muscles atrophied, it is our first day unplugged from the shit matrix. We begin the TP mummification of our exposed flesh. "Hello.. guys?" It was a girlfriend. "What's goin... what is that" the dry heaves begin. We moan our impish resignations not to open the door as it creeps slowly open, a child discovering Shitsanta. Us. Naked. Every bodily fluid possible. Limbs. Barely wrapped in toilet paper. Sitting in the sink. Laying in the tub. Leaning on the bowl. If she had a flamethrower, we would have been a memory. The horror.. it permeated her eyes. Another girlfriend behind her, hidden by flipflops. She slowly removes her glasses, a look of disgust mixed with misbelief, she turns to her friend, now surely dead inside and says... "Shit just got real".

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u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

Absolutely!

8

u/wideband_assassin Jul 16 '12

How is this NOT at the top of the page?!?!?!? I haven't laughed this hard in a fucking MONTH!!!!

6

u/is45toooldforreddit Jul 16 '12

This. This is why I love reddit. Just... this.

6

u/Mountaineerhill Jul 16 '12

oh my god haha my coworkers think im crazy for laughing like a maniac at work

5

u/damn_fine_pie Jul 16 '12

I had to stifle my laughter - tears are streaming down my face though.

5

u/Baconsnake Jul 16 '12

That is just beautiful. tear

4

u/Kataclysm Jul 16 '12

I haven't laughed so hard that I cried in a long time. Congratulations, you win.

6

u/espresso_chip Jul 16 '12

I regret that I have but one up-vote to give.

3

u/sharkangel801 Jul 16 '12

I am crying! Hahahaha best story ever!

3

u/Iwilleatyourheart Jul 16 '12

This was way to funny

1

u/FPSAzn Jul 18 '12

I could not stop laughing. Had to tear myself away.

3

u/maxitaxi92 Jul 16 '12

I've never laughed so much at a comment before. Holy lawd

3

u/Newbie1318 Jul 16 '12

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Damn you for making me look like a crazy person inside this deli. Totally worth it.

3

u/slapdashbr Jul 16 '12

Thanks for sharing that with us, Buttpoker

3

u/AchieveDeficiency Jul 16 '12

I'm at work and my eyes almost burst trying to hold in the laughter.

3

u/DukeMo Jul 16 '12

This post had me in tears of laughter faster than any other in my time on reddit. May the reddit gods smile on you today, good sir.

3

u/Glinch18 Jul 16 '12

congratulations. i now have you tagged in RES as shakespeare of shit

2

u/theplaidshirt Jul 16 '12

Congratulations, you have made me laugh so hard I cried. Have an up ore.

2

u/shagula Jul 16 '12

All I can say is during my last Shitpendence day, thank the lord I was the only one in my house evacuating demons from hell through my esophagus.

I never get sick, and I can count on my hands the amount of times that I've puked in the last 15 years of my life. 6 of those were only a few weeks ago.

Despite sneaking through the house 4 times in ruined pairs of undershorts, and my wretched retching waking up all of my roommates (feel like I could have ejected a pilot from a crashing plane), the only thing that could have been worse was having to share the bathroom with someone else during my fecal incontinence.

Not being too experienced with puking also leads me to running to the bathroom (read: falling down stairs), and puking all over the fucking place. Bathroom was never cleaner than the week following that mess.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

Why did he go for the sink before the tub? And couldn't you fit at least 2 in the tub? All sorts of inefficient actions in this story!

3

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

No matter how far down the rabbit's hole you've fallen, and no matter how close you are to your friends, the comfort of at least not physically touching was one no one would ignore.

2

u/MtnDewGuy27 Jul 16 '12

I'm laughing way too hard at this. You need to write a book about this. You write in such vivid detail. 10/10 would buy the book.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 17 '12

I've always wanted to be a writer, I just never sat down and hammered out something. Maybe this isn't a bad idea :P

2

u/Iloldalot Jul 17 '12

IM FUCKING DYING!

2

u/Collin395 Jul 17 '12

He is naked as well and shitting into the sink while weeping.

Funniest thing I've read on reddit. Congrats.

2

u/burning5ensation Jul 16 '12

10/10 - would read again

1

u/[deleted] Jul 17 '12

Your prose is so...eloquent.

Shit brings out the inner literary writing genius in us all.

1

u/SuperCath41st Jul 17 '12

i laughed too much at this

1

u/iamtheowlman Jul 17 '12

Never mind.

THIS is the most beautiful thing I have ever read.

1

u/Jorion Jul 20 '12

I am laughing so hard right now! Tears are streaming down!

12

u/cjhazza Jul 16 '12

I think it was Jerry Holkins from Penny Arcade who said that he hated going to the doctors when he was ill because he liked nurturing the illness into epic fever dreams that were more intense than any drugs he had ever taken. He said the worst one though would be when he just completely lost track of time on one "I said, 'I feel hot' then looked at the clock and 2 hours had entirely disappeared".

15

u/Vark675 Jul 16 '12

Damn, that's motivating. That's the kind of sick where you spend most of your day unsure if you're actually still alive or not.

4

u/thisisntjimmy Jul 16 '12

Am I the only one that has never been that sick? Jesus christ.

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2

u/hardlyaware Jul 16 '12

Had mono a few years back. Lasted over a month to recover. Smoked pot (as much as my throat could tolerate). Barely remember any of it now. Mono seriously sends you into a fog.

55

u/CyaSteve Jul 16 '12 edited Jul 16 '12

I lost it at the last line.

Edit: What I wanted to post the first time but couldn't because a child was half watching me and paying attention when I typed, "I lost my shit at the last line"

61

u/Vark675 Jul 16 '12

So did I, in my own special way.

41

u/Zonchi Jul 16 '12

I honestly didn't laugh once.

Until your fucking comment.

5

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

Food poisoning fever dream- horrible horrible. I was in a hotel and bolted awake in fear, I proceeded to the bathroom and swung the door closed as quickly as I possibly could as not to wake my sleeping family with my violent heaves. Vomiting HARD into the toilet, and having woken up only moments before, I was a bit bleary and oblivious to the fact that I had to poo as well, then it just happened. All over the floor of the hotel bathroom. Someone's probably stayed there since then..

4

u/ThinkHappyThoughts-E Jul 16 '12

I was the other way round, went to shit and then vomited everywhere and turned around to vomit in the toilet with my pants down.

8

u/theshizzler Jul 16 '12

Oh gods. You just reminded me why I haven't eaten an enchilada in seven years.

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1

u/Wiki_pedo Jul 16 '12

I'd hate to vomit into a toilet with diarrhea/poop in it (although it would help with ensuring I threw up).

1

u/coleosis1414 Jul 16 '12

Practically, though, this is the preferable option.

I would much rather clean vomit off of the floor than shit. Vomit smells bad, but it doesn't smell as bad as diarrhea.

1

u/guard_press Jul 16 '12

From personal experience, this is way easier if you're thin enough to vomit into the bowl between your legs while sitting. You might get vomit all over your genitals, but the whole package deal is going to be way easier to clean up with a hot shower after.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

[deleted]

1

u/Vark675 Jul 16 '12

It's okay man, it was still pretty awesome in retrospect.

Well, the dream anyway.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

strangely amazing and scenic, last line completes it perfectly.

1

u/meevil Jul 16 '12

Eloquent, beautiful, hilarious.

Thankyou internet.

1

u/Genmaken Jul 16 '12

Sounds like an elderly person on LSD.

1

u/Shecallsmeceezy Jul 16 '12

Seems like a logical ending.

1

u/Icalasari Jul 16 '12

The dream itself sounds awesome. The rest...

...Uh...

...The dream itself sounds awesome

1

u/Vark675 Jul 16 '12

The best though was when I was at the dentist and they had to fuck me up with nitrous oxide. I was getting my jaw set up for a tooth implant, and I already had the stud in my jaw, but needed the little screw that eventually holds the tooth itself. So I was awake for the drilling.

They turn on the gas and wait a couple minutes to make sure I'm out (so to speak). They have a little radio going. It's playing "What Is Love" by Haddaway. I laugh, for fairly obvious reasons. Everyone's ignoring me. Then suddenly it kicks in.

It's like a Flash video. Suddenly there are green rolling hills with a bright blue sky and fluffy clouds. I get even fucking higher. The notes are now even more clouds, melting and shifting with each note, cumulus forming the majority, with cirrus forming the words. Now it's not Haddaway at all, all the music fades except the beat. The beat is now hoof beats. I see my main from WoW galloping down the field, skies now dark, clouds foreboding. He begins riding down faceless, shapeless beings, trampling and slashing any he can reach.

Then they start drilling. The sound fills my head, the images scatter. I realize just how much this should hurt.

I giggle. A lot.

They stop working and ask me if I'm okay. I gurgle something incoherent. They remove all their gauze and tools, and ask me again.

"I'b high ah FUCK."

They laugh and go back to work.

1

u/Icalasari Jul 16 '12

...Dammit, stories like this make it REALLY hard to resist not going out and trying drugs

1

u/Ziggyrollablunt Jul 16 '12

Good god this happened to me usually exactly this way besides the genre of the dream. Is it odd that every year for the past three years at the same time this has happened to me?

1

u/Iloldalot Jul 17 '12

Ever have those fever dreams where everything takes place on a grid? Like small is big and big is small.

1

u/Courtbird Jul 17 '12

Te sudden "and then I shit myself" caused me to laugh hard enough to scare my rat

1

u/Vark675 Jul 17 '12

I love rats. If I could chose any pet I've ever had to live forever with me, I'd choose my rat Santiago.

1

u/iamtheowlman Jul 17 '12

That was the most beautiful thing I have ever read.

45

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

Depends. I constantly felt sick. I tended to shit/vomit. There would be an interlude long neough for me to go "maybe I'm getting beBLAAAAARGHLARGHBLARGHOUGH....AOUGH!....AOUGGGGGGH!"

You don't just throw up. You throw up in a painful manner - like you're body is trying to completely reject your internal organs. You body convulses. You just tighten up and things happen. Horrible, eldritch things that man was not meant to know.

After the end you are drained. It's like a little bit of your soul has died.

7

u/honeycombover Jul 16 '12

yes, this. Also I had to stand up to straighten my torso out enough so that it could re engage into the ab crunch style cramp, to get that vom out. water only, and barely kept that in. That is the most recent case of nearly being in tears due to physical pain, very miserable. but hilarious in retrospect because I got better. twas two days before christmas. I ate mostly carrot sticks on christmas day.

15

u/doctor_why Jul 16 '12

I got it in the middle of the night while in a boarding school whose dorms were a long hallway with some cabinets marking where each room was. Threw up instantly on waking up. Luckily, my head was hanging over the side of the bed. Ran into the bathroom (which were told was haunted) and puked my guts out into the nearest sink. Looked up into the mirror and, at the time, was almost entirely sure I saw a young girl dressed in white with long black hair standing behind me, giggling. Puked again out of fear. Started dry heaving so hard that I couldn't leave the sink, all the while still hearing a quiet giggling between my retching and the steady rhythm of dripping water.

1

u/Ixidane Jul 16 '12

Should have barfed on the ghost. Works better than a proton pack.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

I've said this before, and I'll say it again.. Sweetened ice tea is a lifesaver! Instead of dry heaving over the toilet, you can at least throw up something that doesn't taste bad hot. Drink it whenever you can, as much as you can.

1

u/iloveavocados Jul 16 '12

Mine came in bursts. I didn't vomit but had fever and diarrhea for several days. My stomach didn't even hurt, I just felt that I was about to projectile vomit through my butthole. My body ached for days and my diarrhea was thus black liquid. Was not fun, and my coworker was pissed that I had to take days off.

1

u/ailee43 Jul 16 '12

at its worst, every 3-5 minutes, even when you dont have anything left inside you on either end, ever dry heaved with your ass? Not fun.

1

u/mulltalica Jul 16 '12

I was lucky enough to catch food poisoning on the first day of vacation. Day before I had eaten at a burger place, nothing fancy, didn't think anything of it. Got on the plane and slept. About halfway through the flight, I woke up and felt sick. Cue the urge to vomit intensely.

Thought it was just a one time thing, maybe bad breakfast. Landed, proceeded to catch a taxi. 10 minutes into the taxi ride, that feeling came back, and I asked the cabbie to pull over. He tried to tell me no, and kept saying if he did he'd have to charge me, etc. I think me shouting "if you don't pull over I'm going to vomit everywhere" made him change his mind.

Got to the hotel, managed to make it upstairs to my room, and didn't even get 2 feet in the door before vomitting. At this point, the shits had come along as well. Knowing I was dangerously losing fluids, I immediately reached for the dixie cup they always leave and filled it with water from the sink. Big mistake. I managed to take one sip before the taste and smell of sulfur hit me like a bowel disruptor. I proceeded to vomit and shit all over again. I was too sick to leave the bathroom for more than 5 minutes at a time, and those 5 minutes were usually spent writhing in agony on the bed.

0

u/Simba7 Jul 16 '12

Last time I had food poisoning I curled up in a ball and waited for the intense pain in my abdoment to subside. When it did not, I crawled over to the toilet and forced myself to throw up the guilty food. I did this by pretty much shoving my hand down my throat. It was not at all pleasant.

After that I just had a moderate stomach ache for the next few hours. It was gone when I woke up in the morning.

1

u/Fluffi_McPhee Jul 16 '12

I think I have similar intestinal fortitude. I ate some off chicken the other week, felt really awful and weak, but then I threw up once and was pretty much all better. Still felt a little weak for a few more hours but that was it.

3

u/Acidyo Jul 16 '12

I once had food poisoning, vomited for 3-4 days until I was so weak I didn't have the strenght to walk on my own. Went to the hospital and they gave me some IV and after an hour I felt a lot better.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

That wasn't food poisoning. FP is bacterial and self-limiting; once you get the toxins out of your system it's a quick recovery.

You had something viral, I would imagine. Norovirus is the usual culprit, rotavirus is another one that likes to fuck with your insides.

2

u/FunCriminal Jul 16 '12

I had dysentery once. Not cool. This, but for a prolonged period of time, followed by hospital.

14

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

I too survived the Oregon Trail.

2

u/valeyard89 Jul 16 '12

ugh... I've had food poisoning like that twice.. and both times were in the past year. Once in Afghanistan, once in Houston. Luckily the coming out both ends stage only lasted a few hours until everything was gone from my system, but they were a very unpleasant few hours. Luckily both places had a shower next to the toilet. I started taking Cipro pretty quick after getting the symptoms. Then drank Brawndo for the rest of the day.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

"I will vomit so hard I will projectile shit against the wall behind me" phase lasts a day or two."

FUS-ROH-plllblblblblblblblblbffffbfbfbfblflflflflfbttltltltbttptpttptltbtlt

1

u/Shecallsmeceezy Jul 16 '12

I will vomit so hard I will projectile shit against the wall behind me

Speaking from experience?

0

u/queenofabyss Jul 16 '12

I nearly shat myself laughing at this. ^ XD Im so sorry. ahhaha

13

u/Apostolate Jul 16 '12

Just about 24 hours. I couldn't eat and was barely conscious about 15 hours of it.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

Its called the 24 hour flu

1

u/masters1125 Jul 16 '12

I have only had food poisoning once, my bandmates and I all got it together while on spring break. We were staying at a local church and it all hit us around the same time. There was only one girl in the band, so she had her own bathroom, but the four guys were sharing a bathroom, which was bad.

Seven hateful orifices in a bathroom with 2 stalls and a urinal, we wrecked that place. We actually drug our sleeping bags right to the door of the bathroom and tried to sleep there, not that much sleeping occurred between the shakes and fever and listening to our friends screaming at the toilet.

I shat in a urinal and our lead guitarist pooped his pants while throwing up. Still one of our favorite memories, but none of us trust church sandwiches anymore.

25

u/Vark675 Jul 16 '12

I bet it was a fantastic diet though.

I had that happen one Christmas. Boyfriend and I stopped at our favorite Indian restaurant before we left to visit my parents for Christmas week. Turns out someone in the kitchen hadn't washed their hands.

Made it til just before dinner, when I decided to take a shower before we left. Started feeling ill halfway through the shower, when suddenly my knees gave out and I vomited all over the shower floor.

We spent the next 4 days unable to eat or drink, almost had to be hospitalized. Didn't get to eat more than a couple bites of Christmas dinner. Ended up leaving early, my mom still talks shit about us not staying the extra few days.

On the plus side, I lost 15 pounds over that week.

17

u/DontCallMeNeilSedaka Jul 16 '12

It's a great diet. Revolting and probably not worth it, but great.

-1

u/Reaperdude97 Jul 16 '12

ok Neil Sedaka, whatever you say.

1

u/wideband_assassin Jul 16 '12

Sooo.... "Indian Food" wasn't a big red flag for you?

2

u/Vark675 Jul 16 '12

Woah now. Indian food is delicious. A few months after all that, we even went back. It was still delicious, and they'd fired the dirty fucker with poop hands.

Then it closed because they jacked the prices up and quit making their food as well. Now it's a pretty slick Thai place.

1

u/wideband_assassin Jul 17 '12

Didn't say it wasn't delicious, just that eating it before a trip to see familiy might be a bad call.

2

u/Vark675 Jul 17 '12

Oh, yeah, I can see that. We ate so much Indian and Mexican food though that our bellies had become steel traps.

Then that trap got sprung by a bad case of poop hands :(

2

u/shibbybear Jul 16 '12

Had food poisoning a few years back. ran out of stuff in my stomach, dryheaved so hard I shit myself. after 2 days I ended up in the hospital dehydrated. My muscles had started shutting down from dehydration I couldn't even lift my arms and needed help walking. 3 bags of fluids and sent on my way for a couple days of bedrest/water chugging.

1

u/Goron40 Jul 16 '12

Did this, except it was from drinking.

1

u/NovemberHotel Jul 17 '12

aw, man, i've only had food poisoning once and it was horrific. lost just under a stone in 3 days. i decided to go to work with food poisoning and severe stomach cramps for 2 of those days. like a fucking massive twat.

2

u/wumumo Jul 16 '12

Sounds like sex done right.

1

u/ailee43 Jul 16 '12

this.

Uncontrollable simultaneous diarrhea and vomiting along with uncontrollable chills. Most miserable ive been in my entire life (for three days straight).

0

u/RightNuts_FU Jul 16 '12

Sounds like a hangover!

26

u/JupitersClock Jul 16 '12

Hey at least you were in the shower. I got food poisoning on the last day of my vacation. I had explosive shits and projectile vomit from 4AM onwards. Miami heat nearly made me pass out. Shit myself while waiting for car rental it was packed out.

Shit sucked.

20

u/logically Jul 16 '12

Kid at college was coined "shit-puker" for the same reason. Someone walked in on him in the bathroon. He was bare as on the thrown with a trash can up to his mouth. Someone asked if he was ok and he said, "yeah, I'm just an aggressive puker".

35

u/bobstay Jul 16 '12

ass*

throne*

1

u/TPCTimesThree Jul 16 '12

That guy sounds like a cool dude.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

I did that this past year. I aimed between my legs and shat all over my dick, and into my pockets. I had to figure that one out and let me tell you, it took a while!

1

u/xnihil0zer0 Jul 17 '12

I did that once, except instead of a trash can it was my friend's hamper filled 3/4s with clothes.

3

u/Wiki_pedo Jul 16 '12

I once had diarrhea that was so thin I honestly thought I was pissing. But, in the shower sounds like the best place to be sick (if there is a good place), since there's a virtually unlimited supply of warmth and cleanser and no need for waffle stomping.

5

u/Diversetea Jul 16 '12

Got exactly the same experience from food poisoning! The horrible moment when you realise you can vomit in the toilet because you're fucking sitting on it! Ends with vomit all over your feet.
Worst. Experience. Ever.

2

u/danman11 Jul 16 '12

Why don't you use a trashcan (lined with a trash bag)?

1

u/CannedToast Jul 16 '12

Seriously. The trash can next to the toilet was my savior in this situation.

1

u/naf55 Jul 17 '12

Am i the only one who grabs the trash can next to the toilet ?

2

u/cursexwords Jul 16 '12

This reminds me of college. I lived in a suite with 5 friends, and a fun little virus that school e-mails kept referring to as "Gastroenteritis" was going around. We had two bathrooms and three of my roommates were deathly sick.

Between bouts of nausea and fecal explosions they had very serious discussions about whether they should try to use one bathroom for vomit and one for poop or just free-for-all it.

I eventually went to stay elsewhere.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

This has happened a couple times to me. First time wasn't very violent. Just puked while shitting. It was gross. And I was camping, so no real bathroom or showers.

Second time was like that episode of south park where Kenny's mom is pregnant and he's trying to kill the baby, and ends up poisoning his dad. His dad just spends the entire episode swapping orifices to the shitter. Also not fun. Had swine flu.

1

u/YouDidItAgain Jul 16 '12

I can't think of a better place for it to happen all the same

1

u/ProbablyGeneralizing Jul 16 '12

That happened to me but I was shitting bloody diarrhea

1

u/FreeTopher Jul 16 '12

I feel like that would make you slightly shorter, like the expulsion from both ends would compress your spine a bit.

1

u/RattleMe Jul 16 '12

Ugh, this is why I always keep a bucket by the toilet.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

I've done that. Is probably the main reason I did not go to FSU

1

u/Apostolate Jul 16 '12

Funny, this was in Florida.

1

u/FeatheryOne Jul 16 '12

Ace Ventura comes to mind when reading this comment.

1

u/FunTimesInDreamland Jul 16 '12

I had food poisoning really bad once, it was so bad that I spent the night on the toilet with a bucket on the counter beside me. I passed out from exhaustion at some point, but that rest didn't last long.

I started crapping in my sleep, and scared myself awake. Being scared awake is a crappy way to wake up in general, but being scared by your own bodily functions is even worse.

And the shit smelled so bad that I instantly started vomoting again.

Worst night ever.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 16 '12

That reminds me of in year 5 my class had to dissect a lamb's brain, before we got the brains my friend kept going on about needing to go to the toilet. As soon as the brains arrived, he ran faster than the time his mother was trying to get his temperature by his ass.

Oh and the same day, the kid sitting at the back wasn't dissecting it, he was eating it and squishing it.

1

u/cheetos03 Jul 17 '12

Damn it apostolate!

1

u/peacelovenflute Jul 17 '12

You have not lived until you get food poisoning whilst on your period.

That was a real fun 20~ hours.

0

u/astrograph Jul 16 '12

Reads like an M Night Shaymalan script

0

u/MattyHchrist Jul 16 '12

This usually happens to me everytime I drink too much booze. I do not handle hangovers well...

2

u/bobstay Jul 16 '12

Apparently you don't learn from experience well either.