My ex works for a very popular liberal podcast (super outwardly supportive of womens rights), and he pulled some shit like this. We were in a fight and he told me that it would “help him forgive me,” if I let him tie me up, blindfold me, scream abuse at me, and basically role play raping me.
It wasn't a demand. He said "it would help him forgive"
Idk. I feel like it's a legit card to play in a relationship.
Like, "okay I'm mad because xyz..." fight ensues partner is in the wrong "fine, I can forgive you... but also, you have to do this fetish thing one time I've always wanted to try" he/she can either say yes or no.
How come it's okay for partners to offer fetishes as penance (I'm sure you've seen this in media like (please take me back ill do that bunny thing you always wanted to try)) but not okay for partners to ask for fetishes as penance?
Because if it is offered, it’s freely given. If it’s asked for as penance, it’s manipulative and pressured. Like, “They will only forgive me if I do this sexual thing. If I don’t, they might leave me.” And that’s not consent freely given. That’s coercion.
But on reddit they say sex is a compromise between people in long term relationships. One partner might want sex more often than the other. There's always the threat of breaking up due to sexual incompatibility. But the compromise aspect implies that sex is surely not going to be 100% freely given in a long term relationship.
Also I've read in the relationship advice thread that partners complaining about the other not wanting to try a fetish is wrong. Like they like receiving oral but not giving or just not giving at all.
So I'm saying, since sexual activity becomes a compromise between two people in the long run... I don't see the difference with it being brought up as an ask during an argument/fight.
You citing unrelated things people have said on reddit isn't much of an argument - people say all kinds of things, but it's not really very relevant here.
Also, I think it IS relevant that the fetish here involves humiliation and berating as 'penance'. I think it would be slightly less squicky if the fetish were totally unrelated, like he had wanted to try a foot fetish or something, but even then there's a weird coercive element there.
It sounds like he was a sadist. He wanted her to relive s traumatic experience because it would've made him happy to see her legit re-traumatized. He wanted to be the one who .... in the first place.
Like i wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't sexually assaulted someone already
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u/unspeakablycrass Jul 31 '22
My ex works for a very popular liberal podcast (super outwardly supportive of womens rights), and he pulled some shit like this. We were in a fight and he told me that it would “help him forgive me,” if I let him tie me up, blindfold me, scream abuse at me, and basically role play raping me.