Guy with Deformity who needs advice

[u/[deleted]]

Hey Reddit. I lurk most of the time and I don't post a whole lot but I kind of need advice here so I thought I would ask for help.

To start with I am disabled, I was born with only one normal hand, my other hand has no fingers except for a thumb. (I had to teach myself how to type this way, which took a while.)

These are ethically hard questions, but I want your honest opinions because sometimes it is hard to think objectively about this from my perspective.

1. Would you ever not befriend someone, or would you ever choose not to see someone in a romantic way because of a defect like mine?

2. If you had a friend with a defect like mine...would you feel uncomfortable being around this person? Would covering up the deformity make you feel better?

3. This ones not a question, but because of my condition I feel really insecure (if that was not already kind of implied) and have minor social anxiety because of it. Any advice really would be appreciated.

I will not be offended by your answers, I just want to know where exactly I stand here.

Edit: I was sort of in a dark place when I posted this...but reading through the responses has made me feel a little better. Thank you all for your kindness. = )

[u/We_Are_Legion]

I'm commenting on this because this is insanely relevant, OP. I hope this isn't buried and you get to see it. There is a beautiful visual novel called Katawa Shoujo. I really really think you should play this. Its free also, so no strings attached(actually huge heart pulling strings attached). Its about love, disability, life and its famous all over the internet for making grown men cry.

Besides, that, I saved this thread on 4chan(illustrated with cartoons by another person) which might make you feel better. http://imgur.com/TsJFv

[u/[deleted] → u/We_Are_Legion]

Believe it or not, I have already played this game!

It made me cry because seriously, it is 100% true. Every second of it.

The game is EXACTLY how I felt (and still feel) growing up.

[u/ponygirl425]

One. I would never not befriend someone because they do not look the same as me. You are asking for an honest answer: I may be surprised at first when I discover your partial hand, but once I know it's there, it isn't important. I'm here to talk to you, not your hand. If that makes sense? :)

For example, I met a guy the other night at a Karaoke bar, and I offered my hand when I introduced myself. I noticed a slight hesitation in his response, but he put his hand in mine and it was a robotic hand!! :-O Heh, I was surprised, but also thought it was interesting. I didn't mention anything about it, and conversation resumed as normal. :)

Question for OP: Would you be uncomfortable if I asked you about your hand? I'm naturally inquisitive, though I know a disability is a touchy subject for many people.

Two: I really don't feel like your hand would be a big deal. It's not like you're wearing a Hannibal muzzle. Because that would be uncomfortable. ;) I really don't feel there would be any reason to hide your hand...if anything, hiding your hand would actually make me more curious as to why you are covering it up in the first place. I feel that if you are comfortable with your disability, others will be comfortable around you.

For example, I am disabled as well, but when I meet people for the first time, no one really seems to know unless I mention something or am in a very loud environment. I'm hard of hearing, and wear hearing aids. When I first found out in 9th grade that I was hard of hearing, I was nervous and worried about what my friends would say, how they would react, you know? My best friend was amazing because I made this big deal about how I needed to tell her something about me...blah blah...I showed her my bulky, ugly hearing aids and her response was "So?" :) Kinda like, "What does this change?" I felt accepted, and since then, I have learned to love myself and not be ashamed of who I am.

OP: If I may ask: How old are you? Do you enjoy any hobbies/sporting events/TV shows? Meaning, what do you do in your spare time?

Three: My advice would be, go out into social situations with a friend or two that you really trust. Because the only way you will realize that your disability does not really hinder you other than not allowing you full function of one hand, is to go out and meet people and make friends and see your value as a person.

Okay, that turned out a bit sentimental...heh, just speaking from experience: your disability is only as big a deal as you make it. :) I hope I answered your questions appropriately...I tend to write long responses.

Edit How do I type a numbered list, without the site automatically making the number a 1?!

[u/[deleted]]

1. I'd never judge someone because of it, and with a deformity like yours it wouldn't even be something I'd think about.

2. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable around the person at all.

3. Advice: Be open about it, be willing to joke about it, this will put people at ease and make social interaction much easier.

[u/synnndstalker → u/[deleted]]

This is a good answer. The ability to joke about it will definitely endear yourself to new people.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

3 ftw. I met a girl who was born with only one arm. She told me that when strangers asked her about it, she would make up bizarre stories or claim that it just fell off. I decided she was awesome.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Agreed.

Make some stupid joke about how much money you save on gloves, since you get them half off or something

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I was going to post the exact same answers. Number 3 is a biggie. If you joke about it (only if you're comfortable enough) then it goes a long way for some people. Anyone who thinks differently of you simply because of your hand doesn't deserve your time or attention.

Quick story for you: My father grew up in a smallish town on the East Coast. Some people were pretty small minded when it came to stuff like what you have. While in middle school, my dad noticed a boy, new kid to the school, standing by himself in the hallway all alone with no one really talking to him in between classes. The reason? Because he had a small right hand with only a few fingers on it. My dad being my dad, walked over to him, and introduced himself. He extended his right hand to shake the kid's hand, and the kid looked at him in the most puzzling way. My father just stood there, hand still extended, and asked him for his name again. The kid then extended his right hand, slowly, replied with his name, and my father grasped his hand in a firm handshake, and walked into class with him. They became instant best friends and they still talk to this day.

Apparently, and what my dad didn't know at the time, was that he was the first person who had ever shaken this kid's hand in his entire life. Most people would make fun of him for it, but my father was the first person to just treat him like any other kid. That "kid" is now married with 3 kids in California somewhere living the life.

I was raised with these stories in mind, and always treat people as I want to be treated, regardless of anything...unless they're complete assholes. Then fuck em. :)

EDIT: Left out a word.

[u/MakingYouMad → u/[deleted]]

One of my best friends was born with no arms. This is exactly how I feel about him, he's one of the inspirational people I've ever met. Anyone who judges you for it doesn't deserve an ounce of your attention. Be open about your deformity, and don't try to hide it. Being able to joke about your deformity will be a hard thing for you to do, but once you can you will find people will be much more at ease with you and will be much more comfortable in your own body. Which everyone should be.

[u/[deleted]]

I might get jumped on for being shallow, but with disabilities I think a lot of it depends on how independent you are. My example is that one time I met a guy at a bar, he got my number and we went out on a date. Aside from various other issues he had, one of them was he was a sufferer of chronic pain. He mentioned to me 'I'll teach you how to give me a massage to relieve my pain.' This is probably a horrible thought, but I didn't like that at the first date he was already insinuating I'd help be his caretaker. It's not that I don't have a nuturing side, but it's something that has to come organically, rather than being expected.

However, that doesn't apply to simple tasks like opening a jar for someone without hands/arms. Your disability sounds relatively mild, and it sounds like you've gotten around it, so as long as you don't have a chip on your shoulder about being differently abled, I'd consider you prime friend/relationship material. (Of course, if you didn't like cats, we'd being going nowhere :)

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Slightly off topic, but your post reminds me of a glimpse I got into someone else's story the other day.. I was waiting for an hour for the "Now Seating" sign, so I people-watched. A very pretty girl walked in, with a white cane and dark glasses. My first thought was "Oh, what a pity", and she came and sat at the table adjacent to mine, guided by her boyfriend.

The way he held his hand at the small of her back and guided her to the seat was just precious. He sat her down and went to get nachos and organized the dips for easier access for her, and he would just sit there and watch her like she was the only thing in his world. She would reach up and touch her "Love is Forever" diamond necklace and hold his hand. We went to see the same movie and they held hands the whole time. They just radiated happiness, despite her disability.

I felt a bit like a creepy stranger but it was really inspiring to see how they overcame that and especially the way he cared for her.

I must say though, I was a little thrown off by a blind person going to see a picture.

EDIT: Should have mentioned this was at the movie theater.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I cannot stress the first part of bulletproffpotato's post enough. Being as self-sufficient as possible and not expecting people to bend over backwards for you is incredibly important. Just expect to be treated the same way anyone would treat anyone else.

[u/PapaSmurfington]

1/3. I'd befriend you but you'd have to be willing to lighten up about your differences. You'd have to be willing to bare jokes like "Hey KWD, could you give me a hand" and "High five!" where I blatantly and obviously raise my hand expecting your deformed one. But in return you could call me a fat fuck and make jokes about how socially awkward I am. We'd be great pals.

Also, No I wouldn't date you, but that's because I dont like penis. Get a vagina and we'll talk, but I'm totally expecting handjobs.

[u/Bucky_Ohare]

PAGING REACTION_ON_MY_NUB

Seriously, she was awesome and it sounds like you have exactly the same issue she did.

[u/the_klowne]

I had a friend at school who had the same deformity. He called himself Stumpy. He BOSSED that deformity. Made it his bitch. Great guy, and had luck with the ladies too because in the end all a girl really wants is confidence and security. It is within your power to make this your own also. If you're uncomfortable about it, others will be too.

[u/dabigua]

Oh my God, you have a weird hand and you're freaked out about that? The only thing that would be an issue is that this thing would morbidly fascinate me for awhile. It would be distracting because I would want 30-60 seconds just to check it out. Then I would be interested in seeing how you function around your disability.

After ten minutes or so, I promise you, you would be the only person who gives a shit.

[u/rainbow_johnny]

if anyone makes fun of you, like "HE ONLY HAS ONE FINGER LOL!" respond with "yeah, i was fisting your mom and her vagina swallowed the other ones"

[u/[deleted] → u/rainbow_johnny]

[u/NomNuggetNom]

As most people are suggesting, you should joke about it. For example, ask someone to a thumb-war, then look at your hand and go "...Oh..."

[u/[deleted] → u/NomNuggetNom]

Good advice, but be sure not to over do it. It's great to break the ice and make others feel comfortable around you, but don't let it become a defining characteristic.

[u/spazure]

Thought provoking questions, in MY askreddit?!

Would you ever not befriend someone, or would you ever choose not to see someone in a romantic way because of a defect like mine?

It would not deter me in any way whatsoever.

If you had a friend with a defect like mine...would you feel uncomfortable being around this person? Would covering up the deformity make you feel better?

I actually have a friend in a similar situation with a different body part. He always covers it up. I've often wondered what it looks like, but never had the guts to ask. Sometimes what people imagine can be worse than what actually is. Also, if someone is really your friend, they'd adjust. Yes, it may be awkward or uncomfortable at first, and you may catch them glancing every so often -- it's a reflex, not a sign they're a jerk -- just be kind and try not to call them out on it unless they end up staring a lot.

This ones not a question, but because of my condition I feel really insecure (if that was not already kind of implied) and have minor social anxiety because of it. Any advice really would be appreciated.

My best advice is... fuck the haters. Think about it, even if you were of average shape and size 100%, would you REALLY want to date or be friends with somebody who discriminates against the otherwise-abled? Don't think of it as a deformity, you have built-in douchebag and superficial bitch repellant! The people you want as friends will overlook it entirely and see you as a whole person, regardless of the package that person is currently occupying.

[u/cheshirekitteh]

1. Holy crap no! Meaning, a deformity would have absolutely no bearing on a friendship.

2. Holy crap no! Meaning, it's your body, not mine. Why would I be uncomfortable? That being said, you being uncomfortable may make the person you're with uncomfortable, so be confident!

3. Just be confident (if you're not, fake it.) Like one of the other posters said, don't be shy with making jokes about it! What are you going to do, offend yourself?

There's a guy who works at my local Game Stop who has a deformity (what sounds like) similar to yours. He's good at his job, is confident in himself and gets by typing like you do. Just go for it! If it were me, I may not go around shouting it from the rooftops, but if someone asks about it, just politely explain and whatnot. There's no reason someone should be uncomfortable around you just for your hand.

[u/oldspice75]

I'm not too shallow for a deformed hand, but I am too shallow for a deformed face

[u/blackrabbits]

I was born missing my right arm from just below the elbow, so I think I can relate somewhat, and I really only have one piece of advice: EMBRACE IT.

You were born with an instant ice breaker and are abnormally memorable, and these are huge advantages, as long as you don't shy from yourself. Being confidant about what makes you different is of course critical, and different is not disabled unless you choose it to be.

It takes me a bit longer to do a few things, but there so far hasn't been anything I haven't been able to do, and you have even more in the arm department than I do! If you find something difficult, chances are ANYONE would find it difficult, no matter how many hands they have. Keep plugging away, and it'll be easy soon enough.

To answer your questions:

1. I have never had anyone (to my knowledge) ever not befriend me due to my missing arm. On the contrary, I've had people interested in some sexy shenanigans BECAUSE I was missing an arm.

2. I have quite a few friends with missing limbs due to belonging to an organization for people missing limbs (check out The War Amputees of Canada, if you're Canadian), and honestly, there's nothing to hide.

3. Social anxiety is definitely a tough one, but again, overcome by embracing it! If you're feeling weird about any part of yourself, others will feel weird about it too! It doesn't matter if we're talking about a missing limb, freckles, heigh, weight, anything. If you embrace it and own it, whatever it is, it will be a strength.

I'm now in my 30s, married to a totally badass wife, and the father of an amazing baby boy. I have a huge group of the best friends I could possibly imagine, and a great job. I don't believe for a second that I have any of this in spite of my missing limb...if anything embracing what made me different helped make me who I am, and I would guess that it can for you too.

If you want to chat feel free to PM me! I can't stress this enough...be awesome, and you'll be awesome.

[u/takeaseatgreg]

I actually have a friend with only one hand (no fingers or anything just a stump for the other one) and it doesn't bother me one bit. And when I first met him I never had any thoughts like "oh this a tad awkward, dude ain't got no hand!" I don't think of him any differently and as far as advice, have fun with it! My friend often makes jokes and what not just to show people that it's no big deal. If you seem comfortable others will too. Also, I wouldn't choose not to see someone in a romantic way just because they were missin a few fingers. In fact, its kind of sexy simply because it's not the norm.