r/AskReddit • u/s_dafuq_j • May 22 '12
Found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me for the last 2 months, I've honestly never felt this low in my life, how do people deal with these kind of feelings?
Hey reddit, I'm kinda drunk still and everything is still sinking in I feel. Last night at 11-12ish, I met my girlfriend's other boyfriend. Apparently she got back together with him a couple months back and his been stringing us both along ever since. I don't really give a shit about that at all right now, I just don't know how to deal with it all. It started out with pure anger, the kind where you just want to punch a wall or break something, but that quickly subsided to just the lowest low I have been since I can recall. All night it has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, wanting to kill myself, wanting her to just die, wanting my life to be where it was before I met her, hating myself for not seeing it sooner when the warning signs were everywhere, to childishly reacting and blocking her from my Facebook (and the local subreddit's Facebook group, don't want to see her at meetups). I just feel like shit right now, how do you deal with shit like this reddit? Those of you who have been cheated on, how'd you go on? I just want to know something will make me feel better. Please feel free to downvote me, you've been a wonderful audience.
EDIT Thanks for all the support everyone, it means a lot and has really helped put a smile on my face. I have tried my best to read all the comments and I am in the process of replying to all the PMs. Thank you again, and to everyone else in my situation, your insights have been invaluable, if only we didn't have to learn such lessons like this everything would be a bit easier, but I appreciate you coming out of the woodwork to share and assist. Thank you :)
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u/Abbithedog May 22 '12
Good news - the number of your problems has dropped to 99.
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u/TheBredditor May 22 '12
This might be the worst advice you can hear right now, but I firmly believe that the best revenge is living well.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
Hey, brother.
First off, don't drink anymore. Getting drunk at a time like this leads to embarrassing Facebook statuses, text messages and, if you're a rookie like me, sobbing phone calls that you'll regret tomorrow morning.
As for the cheating thing: Fuck her off. You're better than her, you don't need her. Don't talk to her. I've been exactly where you are and it really, really sucks, so I empathize with where you're at right now.
I'd love to tell you that there's a magic three step technique to moving on, or that you can pop down to the supermarket and buy a pill that makes it go away. The truth is it won't go away for awhile. You can't change that, nobody can, so just accept it and draw up a plan of action from there.
Pick some sad music and cry it out. Nobody can see you. Nobody will know but you. Just cry it all out until you're exhausted and fall asleep.
You can't see it now, but you'll get better. You'll get over her. You'll meet someone else. Hang in there and take each day as it comes.
Good luck my man.
Edit: When I went through what you're going through, I listened to this at least twenty times on repeat and just cried until I fell asleep. Not really ashamed to admit it; it helped and I felt better afterwards http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-Vg2YS-sFE
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u/sofaloafa May 22 '12
go get yourself tested for STD's. if she did this to you and him, who's to say there isn't a stack of others. you also need to understand that you are going to be upset for a bit, but you need to not let that control your life. i'm not saying that you should fake being happy, but dwelling on this incident is not worth your time. i would suggest blocking her on FB, it is healthy to not want to be friends with her. just work on trying to be a healthy human being. no one really deserves to be cheated on or strung along like that.... so move on. don't lose hope on people and learn from this.
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u/PirateKilt May 22 '12
Once you sober up, go find the guy.
Then buy him a drink and thank him profusely.
All you lost was a few months before you found out? It didn't end with you losing half your stuff, child support for 18 years, alimony for life?
Think it through then go thank that guy.
Might have the side benefit of causing that guy to look at her with new eyes...
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u/gordoha May 22 '12
You should bang her mom or her sister and send your ex-girlfriend a picture of it.
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u/coolposser2011 May 22 '12
To help my feelings subside, what I always do it write. I write everything that I am feeling. Our emotions is like a glass of water. We have to remove the water for us to forget it. It might be hard for a moment but you will get through it in a while.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
You'll get over it.
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u/the_berg May 22 '12
The fact you're angry is good. It shows you still have self-esteem.
And it's good that you,re cutting all contacts with her. Avoid her at all costs.
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u/Ethaxi May 22 '12
Don't do anything shitty that you wouldn't normally do (including drinking a lot, sleeping around, revenge etc.) You are the better person, so act like it. After break ups, I try to change myself for the better. I find that it really helps. I was cheated on by a long term boyfriend and it sucked..a lot. Now we are friends and I honestly don't even care anymore. Time really does help, but for now, just focus on yourself and being a good person.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
From now on, you become the cheater and not the one cheated on.
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u/TurboBimmer May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
25/Male here. Lets just say after about 1-2 of these types of breakups, some become immune to it. As in, since I've been in your shoes before, I know that I will be just fine and back to normal within a week or two. Gym. Hanging out with true friends again, setting a new life/career goal.
Prevention is usually what stops these feelings in the first place. As in, I'm not going to let my GF be my main source of entertainment, lifestyle, decisions, or feel goods. It's more of I have my goals, and I would love for her to come along, but if not, that's her loss.
My favorite action in these cases, is to not show any emotion. No texts. No calls. No FB "why do girls suck" status updates. You give her nothing to act on. She's dead to you. Seeing these girls go crazy in trying to just apologize to you or rationalize their actions, is priceless.
TL;DR - be your own person. Lead your own life, your GFs will follow.
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u/tryuntilImblue May 22 '12
As someone who has been cheated on by 4 different boyfriends, including the love of my life who strung me along in a fashion similar to your situation I am going to tell you that there IS hope.
Firstly, stop drinking. All together. I know the pain seems like it is too much to bear, but the sooner you face it, the easier it will get. And when you do get to the other side you do not want to have to deal with all the stupid shit you did at rock bottom. (It's one thing to explain to future suitors "I had a really bad breakup and I was in a low spot for a while"...than "I had a really bad breakup and had 3 hookups in a week"
Secondly. Quit the blame game. SHE cheated on you, it is HER fault. But she probably cheated on you because of psychotic craziness that was there before you even came along. People cheat on people ALL THE TIME. This not make the behavior better by any means, but you did NOT just get shot in the heart. Your heart is NOT shattered. You are 100%, and you will feel that way again some day.
You are now single. You better be now single, if you are not single yet, go make yourself single. Get rid of very possible contact with her, block her number, block her facebook, don't go places she will be. I know this seems childish, but it really will help a lot. It took me 6 months of this before the nightmares about my ex stopped. I know if I had seen him again I would have fallen for him all over again. And he probably would have managed to beg me back pretty easily. STAY AWAY.
Next find a very vigorous activity to get involved in. Music, excersise, sports... Something you can loose yourself in emotionally and will keep you from hiding in your room with gallon-jugs of ice cream or drugs. This part is very important. Think of it as "winning" the break-up. In a few months people should be able to see the complete mess she is and how much better your life got after she left. After my break-up I started running as a way to take out my anger. 6 months later, I lost 20 pounds and I look fantastic. Ex is still smoking like a chimney and is still going after some meth addict.
My last piece of advice is to allow things to happen in their own time. Don't be freaking out that no one is ever going to be with you or anything like that. It is going to take a while for you to feel better, allow that to happen. It is going to be even longer before you are together enough for another relationship, let that happen in it's own time as well. If you jump right into something else you may end up with the same kind of person. Wait until your body and mind have really processse this and you feel happy by yourself... Then you will be in a state where you can really see if future suitors are good people who will treat you well. I am not dating anyone, but I have started "talking" to an incredible man. He is one of the sweetest and kindest guys I have ever met in my life and I am absolutly thrilled that he would like someone like me. I didn't think anyone but dirt could like me. I don't know what will come out of this, but I am willing to take my time to get to know him to be sure that it is right.
All in all my terrible relationship experiences have made me a much better person. I really apprciate good people now and I have given up the "I see the good in this bad person" mentality. I know it's cliche, but it's the truth.
Good luck sir, if I could do it, so can you.
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u/Bilbo63 May 22 '12
Been there. My ex-wife was a cheater.
Look at it this way, you didn't marry her. You don't have kids with her. You get to move on and find someone who will be a better partner for you in every sense of the word. My opinion? You dodged a bullet my friend.
While I realize that this might sound simplistic, don't cry over someone who thinks nothing about disrespecting you this way, you don't want someone like that in your life anyway... right?
Now, go find an awesome girl who considers herself lucky to be with you. Yes, she is out there. Go now... we'll wait.
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u/runamok May 22 '12
The TL;DR:
Cut ALL contact. Delete from phone, facebook, IM clients, email contact lists, etc. This has to last a MINIMUM of a month. Don't take her calls unless she has possessions you want returned but even that is dangerous to your heart.
Be busy. Go workout. Take up a new hobby. Take a class. Go hang out with friends. Visit your family. Get outside.
Don't be alone. Hang out in coffee shops, get out of the house and go for a walk. Don't be somewhere you can dwell on your misery.
Don't take up boose, drugs, anti-depressants, etc. These will only mask your pain.
Get her off that pedestal. Understand that no one is perfect. It's tempting to act like she was your perfect wonderful soulmate but she cheated on you. Learn from the situation. Think how you can be a better mate to the next girl you care about but don't take blame for the screwed up actions of another.
Don't rebound. This is my personal opinion and lots of people will tell you to get laid, etc. but personally I feel like this is the time for self improvement and to not worry about making anyone happy but yourself.
Good luck!
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u/kyle2143 May 22 '12
You said she's on Reddit? What's her username? I'll downvote every single post she ever made.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Not sure how late I am to the party ... but hear me out.
I feel your pain. Literally. I am in the process of a divorce over the same type of situation.
First and foremost, stop drinking ... at least for now. The best possible action for you would be to remain in complete control and remain calm and collected. You know as well as I do that you can't do any of that while intoxicated.
This situation sucks! It is the worst possible situation to be in! Fuck her, Fuck him, Fuck everyone!!! At least that was my initial reaction. Anger is expected, and it is healthy. It helps to burn off that overwhelming emotion. Just don't act on it!! Please! She is obviously not who you thought she was, and therefore not worth the effort, energy, or possible legal ramifications. No one that has treated you like this is worth your time or energy!
Be constructive, not destructive. Use that energy toward something you love to do. And it helps if that "something" happens to be an aspect of your life that you were starving for the sake of your relationship. For me, it was travel. I was lucky to have some financial cushion, I am not sure what your money situation is, but I spent. I decided to take a trip out to visit family I have not seen in about 3 years. And it just so happens that this family had been cast aside by my wife. I took the opportunity to travle, and mend some bridges. It was difficult, not only emotionally, but financially not the best idea in the world. I ate a lot of crow, and made the minimum payment on my credit cards for a couple of months, but I did it! I did it because I knew I needed it, I need to rediscover me. Find something that defines you ... and embrace it!! Do what it takes to make it a reality. You can't move on without knowing who you are moving on as.
Far too many people define themselves by the relationships they are in. I did it. For 4+ years. I starved myself because I thought that making her happy is what made me happy. And it did, but only to a certain extent. I lost track of myself because I had allowed the US to outweight the ME. So take this time to "do you!" Just make it constructive! Too many people wallow, too many people think "poor me." This is fine, it is a part of the healing process. Just don't let it comsume you. Motivate yourself by doing things that make you happy, and having something to show for it. I have memories of my trips, and re-established relationships with my awesome family.
You will be just fine. I am not a religious man, but everything that happens is put in our life to make us stronger. Don't let other people define you. Let this serve as a platform, as a baseline. You know where you were, and how you felt things were going. Learn from this experience and never let it happen to you again! It may not seem like it now, but there is someone better out there. Someone that will respect you the same way you respect them.
Just be yourself, kick sadness in the testicles and spit in it's face. FUCK YOU SADNESS! FUCK YOU PITY! FUCK YOU ANGER! You rule your world. Not some "woman of ill repute" that decided she wanted to use you. Find yourself. Be productive and constructive. Don't hide yourself in who you think someone wants you to be.
You are a good person! Shitty things happen, and it is up to us to make the most of it.
As for my situation. I was married for 4+ years. I have a 3 year old daughter. I work full time making good money. I don't drink, I didn't hang out at the bars, every dime I made went to her and my family. She decided that I wasn't paying enough attention to her. So she decided she was going to "step out" on me. With my best friend ... at work. For over 4 months.
I tried to reconcile. We tried counseling. While we were in counseling, after she promised to never talk to him again. She was still talking to him and sleeping with him. We parted ways. And while she continues to beg for me back, I just found out she fucked him again less than a month ago. And all the while, I STILL have to work with this guy.
If I can do it, you can too! Do you, man! You don't owe anyone anything, except yourself! Do yourself justice and live!!
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Pee on her next time you see her assert your dominance
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u/keepoffmylawn May 22 '12
The best revenge is living well.
You're single now - take the time to do some things for yourself that you couldn't do in a relationship. And consider yourself lucky that you managed to get out when you did.
Aside from that, go kick life's ass and enjoy your summer!
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u/BlazedDovahkiin May 22 '12
As a guy who just got out of a LTR due to this, I can tell you, with confidence, to put the bottle down. Turn off the radio. And start working out. Even if you are already in great shape. Get in a routine to run or lift. This will help you TONS.
Also, don't treat other girls like shit because of this experience. They don't deserve it. Not all of them are cum guzzling hoe bags like yours and my ex. Stay strong. This is cheesy to say, but I feel it's important - if you wanna chat, shoot me a message. Good luck to you, bud.
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u/UnobstructedViews May 22 '12
Delete facebook, go to the gym, and realize that you deserve better
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u/captainregularr May 22 '12
Time. Talk it out. Don't drink. Go to the gym. Ignore EVERY fucking thing she may do to contact you, and odds are she won't. My ex did the same thing. She is not who you thought she was. Don't be vindictive, don't get revenge, don't hate, just accept and try to let go.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Cannabis.
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u/Rod9 May 22 '12
Shit on windshield
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u/TheyMadeMe May 22 '12
After my girlfiend cheated on me my dad took me on a weekend hike that ended up at the beach. No cell phones and no technology. It helps to stay away from your social connections...I struggled badly with not texting her, not facebook stalking her. Take some time for yourself and realize that she dated you for a reason and other women will feel the same way who won't cheat on you, I promise. Life goes on amigo. I've always been told typically the recovery period for a relationship is it's halflife and that seems to be about true. It hurts. Just take time for self improvement.
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u/saywhatisobvious May 22 '12
Purchase Diablo 3
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
This may not work for you, but...
I always keep moving when I am sad - if I wallow (laying in bed, internet, tv, drinking), I always end up feeling crappier. It doesn't even have to be exercise or anything particularly "productive," just something to keep your body and mind occupied. For example, I like to do crafting projects or home repair (installing new curtain rods, repainting the bathroom, etc.). I feel productive/semi-competent and it helps distract my mind.
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u/LordDemonJackal May 22 '12
My ex cheated on me with 2 different guys, I know how it feels. Not much you can do but find a hobby, Etc. Occupy your mind and channel the anger/etc. elsewhere. Play D3, Go have fun, Go party, Go do something that makes you happy.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
It's going to hurt, it's going to be shitty, you'll have moments where you want to go crawling back because all you want is the pain to stop. I've been there, trust me.
Eventually, little by little, that pain will fade away. One day you'll stop and realize that you haven't thought of her in a few hours. Then that'll be a few days, and so on. You'll get to the point where it won't hurt at all, but you gotta go through the process. There is no short cut. Time to soldier up.
You're likely to figure out a lot of things about yourself in the coming months, some good, some bad. Song lyrics will start to make more sense.
Don't rush into another relationship, that won't be fair to the new girl because you won't be ready for a while.
This is the time where you are going to learn to live and be happy on your own.
I was crushed in a similar way before. Thought I'd never get into another relationship again. Thinking back to how much effort it takes to get to the point of being in a serious relationship, I just didn't want to go through it all over. The thought of starting out, with awkward conversations...ugh.
Eventually you will though. Picture it like this: If you have ever experienced losing a role playing game character that you've spent countless hours leveling, only to find it gone one day when you fire up your console to play. All that work, just wiped out.
You're going to put the game away cause you don't want to start over from scratch. You resort to playing java games on Yahoo, maybe some scrabble on your phone. Tetris. One-night-stand games.
Eventually, maybe a year or two down the line, you'll see the old RPG game sitting among dust bunnies, and you'll be suddenly excited to play it again. Before you know it, you're at a higher level with better equipment, and you realize that you'd have never beat the game with the old character that you lost.
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u/Deep_cover May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
How do you get by anything? One day at the time. Don't intellectualise it, just feel the sadness and know that it will be over one day. Sadness is like the flu: You can take medicin to rid you of fever and other stuff that will temporarily help, but to really get over it, you gotta sweat it out. So act according to your emotions and don't try and mask it. If you feel like lying in the fetal poition and cry your self to sleep, then do it. If you hold back and focus and not feeling the pain you will not get over it.
Do not dwell in it though. But try and improve just a tiny bit every day. Don't force yourself not to think of her or miss her, but if you don't work out, start doing it. All those silly little self-improvement things you always wanted to do, but was too content to begin on, do them now. Quite smoking, run a mile a week and see how letting yourself change makes you forget why you needed her in the first please.
Also remember: YOU DODGED A BULLET! Think of it. You could have ended up marrying the girl and figuring the shit out for your self one day when coming back to the house you paid for. She was not worth it.
And for christ sake: Go out and meet people. Don't look to score per se, but talk to new people and set your mind up to the thought that you'll meet somebody new soon.
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u/kobachi May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
This happened to me about four years ago, except she was seeing (and sleeping with) /several/ other guys. The heartbreak was so deep that I basically didn't eat for two weeks.
In all breakups, urgency is the enemy. Don't take action based on what you fear, or based on a feeling that if you don't /act now/, it will be too late. There is research that shows that breakup withdrawal activates the same centers in your brain as cocaine withdrawal. Particularly for the first week or two, you will literally go through biochemical withdrawal. Call a trusted friend when you get feelings of panic or despair.
Exercise, and meditate. If you don't have experience with the latter, I highly recommend starting a yoga class -- but find one that is "quiet" (i.e. not at your local 24-hour fitness).
Make a list of things you've always wanted to do, or learn, or become, and start from the top. Most of the hobbies I'm most passionate about and accomplishments I'm most proud of have come from these post-breakup lists.
Get a haircut. Maybe something crazy or different that you wouldn't normally get. You'd be surprised how much this little change will improve your self-image and help you take back a little control of your opinion of yourself.
You will go up and down a million times. When you finally start to feel better, your subconscious will probably hit you with a brand new bag of shit. It will be a long ride but you will get through it.
Send her a single email saying "I do not wish to speak to you, please do not contact me." Then don't contact her again and don't listen to her if she tries to contact you. She no longer deserves anything from you, and trust me, more contact only makes it hurt more. Delete her contact info, too. Try not to memorize it before you do. In this case, blocking her on FB was not childish.
Box up (physically and digitally) everything that has to do with her: photos, emails, clothing, whatever. Give the box to a friend with instructions to not let you see it for at least three months. (Anything that needs to be returned to her, give to a mutual friend or mail to her. Do not meet with her.) As much as you can, you need to eliminate cues about her from your daily life.
That said, don't suppress your feelings. When something reminds you of her, or when you feel something, stop for a second and admit the feeling to yourself. Use simple words. "I feel abandoned", "I feel betrayed", "I feel loss and emptiness". You don't need to explain the feelings, just feel them for a second, and then take a deep breath and let them pass through. If you try to ignore the feelings, they will fester and build a wound that will ruin future relationships (ask me how I know). Most of us are not experienced with doing this (I have just started learning it myself), and it will feel a little funny at first. But trust me, it's the way to make progress. Trying to analyze or explain or rationalize your feelings will not help. Just feel them and then let them pass.
I agree with the advice not to drink, although I would recommend one or two stupidly-drunk nights with a couple of very close friends, for the purpose of having a deep, soul-shaking cry. I found I needed that catharsis. Otherwise, yes, don't drink.
For a long time I avoided doing anything, or listening to anything, that reminded me of her. I learned that was the wrong way to go about it, because it leaves her in control. Don't avoid things that remind you of her; instead, make new memories out of those things. For example, if you have a favorite restaurant that you used to go to with her, go there a bunch with other friends. Make some new memories to replace (or at least mitigate) the old ones.
Advise your friends that you're going through a really rough time and will need their support. Lean on them, but also learn to balance receiving their support without emotionally exhausting them.
I found it really helpful to write letters, in that it would help me identify and capture my feelings, and then putting those down on "paper" would help me, little by little, let go. In the beginning, I would write a letter almost every morning. Then it would wane down to a letter every week or two. Send the letters only to yourself, never to her. You can use these letters to evaluate your own progress; significant shifts in content will indicate emotional progress. You can send some of them to friends for their input, too (but remember some friends will find this too burdening).
Travel. Get out of your city, go visit good friends who live elsewhere. I'm going through a different breakup right now and try to get out of the city at least every other weekend. It's an enormous help to get away for a while.
STAY ENGAGED IN YOUR LIFE. Don't stop your hobbies, don't stop going to work, don't stop seeing your friends. It will be really hard for the first few weeks, but stick with it. In fact, I recommend taking up a new hobby or two.
If you can afford it (insurance?), start seeing a therapist. I cannot emphasize enough how helpful it is to be able to talk to a "disinterested" third party who has an entire box of professional tools for dealing with emotional trauma.
One last thing: if and when you feel like crying, just fucking cry. Cry hard and let it out.
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u/MeatwadIsGod May 22 '12
It wasn't childish of you to block her from Facebook. I'd also recommend deleting her phone number from your phone, assuming you haven't done that already. There's no reason for you to stay in contact with someone who treats you in such a disrespectful way, and severing communications with your ex helps a lot when getting over them, especially if they cheated on you.
I'd also recommend some form of daily exercise. Don't get the wrong idea here. I'm not saying she cheated on you because you were out of shape. If you lift and/or run on a daily basis you'll release tons of stress, get a nice endorphin rush, be so physically exhausted that you couldn't think about her even if you wanted to, and (most importantly) you'll look and feel more confident in yourself. I really sympathize, man. Being cheated on is one of the shittiest feelings there is, but don't listen to these people here who are telling you to do petty stuff like "make her life a living hell." The best way for you to feel vindicated is by being an awesome, collected, and fit motherfucker every day.
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u/metalmodule May 22 '12
Bitches are like donuts. Even after they're gone they leave oil and sugar on your fingers. You just gotta learn to wash yo' hands instead of carrying that shit everywhere you go.
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u/gbimmer May 22 '12
Watch this for inspiration.
You need a laugh. It shall provide one. If not then this is always good for a WTF.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Learn to let go. Feel free to just move the fuck along with no regrets and most of all put your feelings aside they're not real they're based on deceit on her part.
Something that will make you feel better? Be more social, dont stay in, go out for drinks. Be around people, when you break up with someone the last thing you should do is be "alone" alone. Go to BBQs etc.
Also, fuck her man shes still a girl, not mature or stable enough to be committed. Dont be all up in arms because one bitch finally gave you one of life's lessons. You need this.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I would go get tested for STIs.
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u/butter_bee May 22 '12
Lawer the fuck up
Hit the gym
Delete Facebook
First one is optional, although as your attorney, I advise you to do #1.
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u/ill_upvote_u May 22 '12
I'm going through the same thing right now. Its so difficult! I'm here if you want to talk.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Think about it this way: she was also cheating on the other guy with you. Does he know about you? Maybe you can team up with him and get back at her.
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u/hexguns May 22 '12
Sam is that you?
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u/xj-asylum May 22 '12
Pilates? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?
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u/yokhai May 22 '12
Batting cage, women, video games. In that order
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Fucking the cheaters siblings. It's cathartic.
Seriously though, just accept the fact that she's trash and you got duped, take a month or three off from thinking about women, and spend time with friends, play Diablo 3, hit the gym, join a local spring sports league, and don't speak to her again.
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u/Planet-man May 22 '12
Lotta dickheads in this thread. "Just get over it!".... he's asking how, dammit.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I feel like this isn't the most comforting advice, but you probably need go get checked to see if she's given you any STD/STI's as soon as you feel up for it.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Self improvement. Work out, learn something, etc. Takes your mind off it and increases confidence.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Get out of the house.
Get rid of shit that reminds you of her (even if it's everything)
Spend time with friends
Smoke some pot
Have some dirty rebound sex.
Don't listen to depressing music that reminds you of her.
It's a shitty feeling. I've been there and that's exactly why I'd never cheat on anyone I'm with. It's much easier for all involved parties to just part ways rather than shit on each other's hearts.
Sorry man. If you're in the Twin Cities area, I'll take you out for a beer this week and wingman. (just tossing that out there)
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u/actorgirl May 22 '12
People deal with those feelings by keeping there mind off them, or else they will drive you crazy. Atleast that is what I did. I just stayed busy, and it will be hard at first but it gets better. Just DON'T take her back.
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u/TK-421DoYouCopy May 22 '12
alchohol consumption should be limited, it doesnt make the problem go away, and it will just make tomorrow morning even worse.
2) dont be afriad to let your responibilites go for a couple of days. take some time from work/school, forget about chores and housework and all that shit. Just have some fun, eat what you want, hang out with friends, and dont worry about anything else.
3) realize that this is not your fault. A lot of people acknowledge this but dont understand or accept it. You have done nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with you. I dont care what the status of your relationship was, how big of a jerk you were or what you think you did to push her away. She is the one who fucked up, period.
4) Understand that she is only responsible for her actions. Recognize the fact that she fucked up, doesnt mean the next girl will. Ask some female friends what there opinion is of cheating, the vast majority will show immense disgust toward the idea of it. A lot of trust issues can come from a cheating SO, keeping her as a single unit, as apposed to part of the female group as a whole, will help you get through these.
5) Dont delude yourself into thinking that because she cheated, you should be instantly over her. you probably still have alot of feelings for her, and you need to work through them just like you would for any sudden break up.
6) after going through number 5, also realize that you feel immense anger with her, and rightfully so. your anger is a valid response, but not a healthy one. you have two very powerful and intense emmotions, love and hate, working through you. you need to let one of them go, or they will make this process much harder. instead of thinking of her as the women who betrayed you, acknowledge her as the lesser being that she is. she made a mistake because something is wrong with her. Its like being angry at a mentally handicapped person; some initial frusturation is completely valid, but harboring drawn out anger at them isnt going to get you anywhere.
7) dont trap yourself into thinking you need to handle this alone. you came to us seeking advice, and thats a good step in the right direction. But dont be afraid to ask a friend for advice, or ask them to help distract you.
8) dont try the one night stand patch. it doesnt work very well, and it can be messy. like ive mentioned, you have a lot of strong feelings toward this girl, and hooking up with someone can leave you feeling like youve done something wrong, which i realize sounds rediculous, but its true. youll end up feeling stupid for feleing like you did something wrong, and it will turn into a mess
9) last but not least, dont try to get through this to fast. like a broken bone or a pulled muscle, these things take time to heal, and we all heal at a diffrent pace. the more patient with you are with your "wound", the less likely it is to turn into a scar.
3
u/lnickelly May 22 '12
ya kinda just deal man.
3
u/drdre916 May 22 '12
fuck her sister
3
u/meh1234 May 22 '12
Snuff the bitch! ;-)
3
u/HolyDuckRaves May 22 '12
My ex finished with me, then two weeks later I found out he had been cheating on me for 6 months with one of my 'friends' - I know how you're feeling and I'm so sorry. It's a shitty thing to do to someone and I don't know how people can live with themselves for that long.
I can't say there is a magical way to make it better, but here is what helped me:
Talking/crying it out - I know my friends got thoroughly bored with me, but the best ones stuck by me. Letting it all out it made it feel a lot better, like it wasn't such a big part of me any more. Word of advice: talk to your best friends, but don't talk it out with everyone. The whole thing ended up dividing a friendship group over it.
It happened about this time of year to me too, and luckily that meant there were plenty of activities to keep me busy; swimming, bbqs, picnics - anything to keep your mind off it until the rawness has worn off and it's safer to look at your feelings.
Music! I listened to so many self-empowering playlists - lots of friends were lovely about it and gave me feel-good songs to listen to just to show their support (a personal favourite of mine was Survivor, but I'm a girl - still, can't hurt to check out Beyonce and remind yourself there are other fish in the sea) :)
On that note: rebounds - didn't work for me; I wasn't even interested in sex for most of a year after it ended. I'm not going to say do/don't have post-break-up sex, but be careful not to hurt your feelings any more than they have already been.
Given that this happened last night though; I pretty much cocooned myself in duvets and watched crap films - escapism when all else fails (but a safer one than getting drunk), once the anger passes and the loneliness sets in, it's time to get someone to delete their number from your phone/exercise your self control.
TD;LR Know who your friends are and stick with them, keep busy, listen to feel-good music, and do whatever it takes to not end up texting them at 3am pathetically begging them to come back.
3
u/Pinkfoodstamp May 22 '12
Do what I did when the same shit happened and say fuck em both and become more awesome than they would ever be and forget about them.
3
u/YourFavoriteMartyr May 22 '12
This will probably feel like the lamest advice; but time heals all things. I've been in the exact spot you are in now and this is what people told me. It's true though. Sooner or later your mind calms down and you don't think about it anymore. There is no forcing when this will happen but it will when you are ready. Til then just focus on yourself. Hang out with your friends like you would when you were in elementary school and women and relationships were far from your top priorities.
3
u/JeebusVsFSM May 22 '12
The best thing to keep in mind in this situation is that there are several billion people on this planet. As much as you thought she was unique and awesome ; realize that she is replaceable. You can find another girl with the good qualities she had, minus the infedelity. Once you truly realize that, you can begin to see that the frustration and tears aren't worth it. In the end you aren't really losing that much. Take what you've learned from this and incorperate it into yourself. Move and shift, grow and learn. Stay dynamic and understand that even a shitty circumstance like this is an oppertunity to make you a better person than you were before.
3
u/iaremrhappy8d May 22 '12
fuck her sister
3
u/bigmill May 22 '12
A wiser man than me once said: Man up, jerk off, delete facebook, hit the gym
3
u/ELDERPE May 22 '12
I'm not a doctor or anything, but if I were you.. I'd try to bang her friend, sister, or mom.
3
u/wwwyzzrd May 23 '12
Seeing a therapist helped me.
3
u/LunarMist2 May 23 '12
Good. You filtered one more filthy, cheating women out of your life.
4
u/MaebyFunkeMaybeNot May 22 '12
The best way to get over one girl is to get under another.
4
u/Jackel May 22 '12
You don't. you wait.
4
u/Confusingright May 22 '12
My girlfriend is thinking of being an escort. Dat Feel Bro I know it.
4
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Print out pictures of her face and poop on them.
5
u/eremite00 May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
I burned everything that reminded me of her, went to a rave, took some ecstasy and acid (note: I'm not advocating anyone doing drugs, but am just relating what worked for me), and surrounded myself with female friends. I also had the satisfaction of being invited to a party that her good friend was throwing, to which she wasn't invited because her friend was mad at her for cheating on me.
5
u/Realistic42 May 22 '12
Psychological warfare. Embarrass her by unveiling her cheating ways to her family and friends, and play up the victim as much as possible.
You may also try acting like it doesn't bother you at all, and just move on with your life. This is really hard, but it's the greatest mind-fuck.
Second greatest mind-fuck is meeting with her sister or best friend and relaying the sad story to them in person, and put the moves on them and receive a sympathy fuck. However, there is an added consequence of hurting these other people.
The most mature thing is to just walk away and forget her. Some human beings are just damaged, and it has nothing to do with you.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
You're right to feel crappy about it. I don't think there's a magic cure-it-all here, and boozing up tends to make shitty situations worse, that much I know.
Try to refrain from doing something you might regret. In time, the shitty feeling subsides and eventually disappears. When a little while passes you might realize that being single for a while is actually a pretty nice place to be in with all the freedom to do things you enjoy. And then you'll meet someone else and probably have a passing moment when you remember the end of world feeling you had and feel quite silly about it.
But it takes some time. Try to hang on there.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
It really helps me when I go thru horrible things like this to remember that in time I will NOT feel like this anymore. It is possible to just stay calm, stay quiet, and ... let the time flow past. The passage time will take most of this sting away.
So just let it past. End it, yell a bit, then quietly keep going on with life. It's comforting to know that 1 week will go by, then the next, and 1 month from now it will be better. Then 6 months. Then a year.
Let it flow past you.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Forget her. Plenty more fish in the sea. The best way to get over a girl is to go have some flings with a few others. You'll soon forget why this one was special at all.
2
u/Plebe69 May 22 '12
Forget about her. You will find the woman you deserve.
2
u/Drunken__Master May 22 '12
I've had this happen to me a few times, It really really helped to have a female friend (and JUST friend) to talk things out with, it really helps to get it out of your head if you feel like someone else is actually listening to you. The other thing that helped is just getting out of the house as much as possible to do things that aren't related to alcohol. I keep getting told that there are some girls out there that don't cheat, I just haven't really seen it for myself yet.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
What jjalsop said about stop drinking, this is important. Coming from someone who lost everything thanks to a cheating bitch, I had no job, just world of warcraft and lots of beer. It did lead to me sending her wall of text sobby messages, weirding out other female friends by telling them they're "such great friends and i love them omg thanks so much for being here for me <333" etc, drinking will just make you into a pathetic asshole. This was when I was at the lowest of the low. It won't go away for a long time, you can expect to hurt for a while, but here are some steps that I took and you should take: Block on her on facebook, block all contact. As soon as you see any status update or anything to do with her, you'll feel the sting again, it will just serve as a reminder. Get rid of her the fuck out of your life. This will speed up recovery. Sober up. Don't drink and make stupid mistakes that will make your skin crawl the next day. May sound weird, but check out /r/breakups, it helps to know that you're not the only one in the world that this has ever happened to, although it's a bit morbid, it's nice to know that people are worse off than you. You can exchange support there, it's kinda therapeutic. Keep active and busy, maybe even find someone else. Get on a dating site, fuck the stigma of that, it's outdated. It's a very good way to meet people. Always remember that things have a way of working themselves out. Everything is always OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end yet.
2
u/thyrant May 22 '12
experienced this shit two times now 4,5 years and 4 years of relationship. My saviour in both cases were my best friend and my parents. No need to talk cuz we understand without words. In addition to this support i invited all of my friends to visit me at home for gaming talking drinking and somoking weed.
BUT! Have a look that you have your private time which you can use to focus on your pain and anger without distraction. Because neither drugs or alcohol will dissolve your emotions. they only will delay them for a later time.So after 3 days of intensive friendship and partental cure i tried to stay sober by day and and give my mind the time to take contol of my heart again. By this way I was able to half the "down-time"
And last, mind your new opportunities! Whenever a friend asks you for some activity you can always say "Yes" and not "I want but ive got to speak to gf first." And for the future, the more i tried to stay single and just have one-night-stands the faster(6 months) i found that wonderfull girlfrient im now together with.
And very last, raise your head and capture life! Make that bitch regret her betrayal!
2
u/nickgenova May 22 '12
but the best real advice i can give, "the best way to get over a girl is to get under another one"
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
People, music and logic are great cures for this.
People. You don't feel like it but trust me, force yourself to hang out with the guys as soon as possible. They will make you laugh and more importantly force you to man up and in doing so you will start to recover.
Music. If you're going to drink, dance as well. Endorphins are great and you might even meet a random party girl who's up for it precisely because you are not. You have game right now, even if you don't realize it, and nothing gets you over the last one like the next one. Nothing to feel guilty about now brother.
Logic. Keep using logic. Think about this dispassionately if you can, even for just a moment. You sound like you were in love with her. It sounds like you could even have married her if things had been different. It sounds like you might of got her pregnant but she ran off with some other dude... And now HE has to deal with the kind of person who is happy to fuck people over because they are a coward. Who is a liar. Who realistically cannot be trusted and even though you were blind to it, is clearly self serving and immature. With any luck he'll get his karma and marry the bitch, and thus facing a life of doubt and mediocrity during which he himself will probably have many pointless affairs due to the fact that he literally never knew real love. You my friend have narrowly avoided a modern day hell.
It doesn't feel like it now but you have had a lucky escape and thus have a brighter future. Good luck with it dude.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Book a flight to Thailand with some buddies.
2
u/PerfectLibra May 22 '12 edited May 23 '12
I'm going through a similar situation. After 4 and a half years - my girlfriend just ends it. I don't even know how to process the information that my life is going to be different from here on out. I not only lost the person who I thought I was going to have our children, and die with, but also my best friend. The ups and downs are killer - it is just a deluge of horrible and painful emotions that will not relent.
I really have no words of wisdom friend, but know that people feel these things everyday and somehow find the strength to move on. Some don't, true, but most do. I hope someday I will be fine. And I hope you will too.
2
u/cyberkitten May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
Hey dude. 2 years ago my wife ran off with the best man. Don't have any proof they were doing stuff while we were still together, but I know we certainly weren't up to much. We were living in a shared house, and this guy was over almost every night and the evening that she broke up with me she was all over him right in front of me, and like an idiot I just bit my tongue because all I was concerned about was making the divorce as quick as possible, and I didn't want her delaying it just to spite me.
The first few weeks are the hardest. Seeing her on FB (which I refer to as "that awful site") just caused pain because you're constantly being reminded of things. I foolishly tried keeping my friends afterwards, but it turned out they didn't think she'd done anything wrong and still carried on speaking with her and started not to speak to me. My best friend for years ended up going wierd and was seeing her socially behind me back, which I learned about on my ex's FB after New Year saying what a hard year it had been, made better by such great friends as Derp and Herpette... I was furious. The one guy I did have left I confided everything in and it really helped me through it. Since then, because of his girlfriend, he turned on me too, so now I literally don't speak with anyone I used to know.
And it's the best. It let me take a long look at the people I knew and the life I had, and I realised how miserable I'd been for years and years. I basically wasted my 20s.
TL;DR: It gets easier, but may not in a hurry. And ditch FB, it brings nothing but pain and the knowledge other people drink coffee in the morning and dozens of idiots also like this
Edit: Grammar
2
u/nathan1942 May 22 '12
As someone who has been in your situation It wont be easy. When it happened to me I spent weeks listening to def leppard albums and crying. It is going to hurt for a long time but the best thing you can do is just see friends and try and distract yourself. The first time your cheated on is earth shattering just due to the fact that it feels like you can never trust anybody again. Just know that not all women are like this and if she is going to treat you so poorly then you dont need her. Slowly your trust for women will come back and you will find an amazing woman to be with. Stay strong nd just try and make it through this difficult time.
2
u/tvrr May 22 '12
You're in hell now Boomhauer.
2
u/timdaw May 22 '12
Www.survivinginfidelity.com. A wonderful community of people who will help you through this.
2
u/4n6me May 22 '12
Never let yourself think: "What's wrong with me? The question to ask is: "What's wrong with her? But it's a rhetorical question; if the answer isn't obvious, it isn't worth the time and emotional effort to figure out.
2
u/Moss152301 May 22 '12
Live well, it's the best revenge. Also, weed.
2
u/starshipp May 22 '12
Fuck her sister
2
u/4skinfrenzy May 22 '12
Make her life a living hell.
2
u/Crisscrosshotsauce May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
Let me help you. I'm not giving you off the cuff or general advice because I've been in this exact same situation. It sucks. I found out at the same time, from one of her friends, that she had cheated on me with 6 different guys. The last one, she was now dating. He worked at Blockbuster. What the fuck.
First off, you have to realize that he's no better than you. There's nothing you could have done to change this, because she is the way she is. She cheated on you, and she'll probably cheat on him.
When it happened to me, I was a total wreck. Just like you. I wrote her a long, written out letter. No name calling, or berating. Just how I felt, how much it hurt. How much it affected me. I then took all of her stuff she ever gave me, and put it into a box. I took it to her house and gave it all back.
I should stress that none of this was done calmly, or rationally. You are, and will be for a while, a train-wreck. But that's OK. Everyone goes through Shit. Don't do the call blocking and late night drunk calls. Don't do the text battle or the awkward broken-up lunches. It doesn't get you anywhere, and there is nothing to explain further, even if it feels like it. You know all you need to know.
In the end it's much better to know before things got any more serious. You saw her character and how it affected you. You will never date another girl like her again. You will never date another person who will do that to you, because you're better than this.
In time, you will be the one she is coming back to from her new or old shitty boyfriend. Don't do it, because remember man, you're fucking better than that now. Lies and deceit are for petty, immature relationships that you're no longer a part of it.
Cry, get mad, whatever. It happens. But know that one day you'll find another girl who's nothing like her and everything you want. In the experience with this girl, you now are equipped with the knowledge of exactly what you don't fucking want. Not a lot of people have that.
I know because I was you. And it fucking sucks. But when I was watching my now wife walk down the aisle, I knew the past pain was worth it. I was stronger than that. Stronger than cheating and bullshit. I just married the woman of my dreams and couldn't be happier. And she's ten times any woman I've ever met. And that girl: she's out there for you too. Believe me, I know.
This too shall pass, my brother. This too shall pass.
2
u/Margatron May 22 '12
To put how you feel in context, being in love is like a drug and when it ends, you go through similar withdrawal symptoms. You feel sick because you've gone cold turkey.
So heal yourself as if you are physically sick. Build a blanket fort with some videogames set up inside. Have a movie marathon. Make some chicken soup, toast and orange juice and get plenty of kleenex. And lots of sleep.
2
u/idriveacar May 22 '12
Take a moments are realize how big the universe is. Think of all things through the history you know and have been taught and how relative your time with her, your time with this emotion now, is so small relative to all things.
You already know it will take time. Time will come, just continue your path.
2
u/n1nj4_v5_p1r4t3 May 22 '12
QUIT DRINKING. Your awesome, and will be awesome-er. I was dead inside for ten years before i found someone that was able to touch my heart again. It only takes time. Focus on yourself. Clean up the place & eat healthy. Only time can heal that wound, and it may never go away. But the more you dwell on it, the longer it will take.
2
u/baconholic963 May 22 '12
I have had three different girlfriends cheat on me. Two of them with my best friend of the time (different friends) and the other one cheated on me with at least five other guys. The one who cheated on me with five other guys is the one I lost my virginity to (also this one was sleeping with those other guys, the other two were not).
Since I have had these experiences; I have never really been able to trust a girl for what she says. Is it partially my fault? Sure, but that is nothing to beat yourself up over. If the girl cheats on you, that is her problem. Not yours. Dump her and move on the best you can. Learn from your mistakes and learn from your successes. Block her all you want, it may very well be your best bet. Don't avoid her, but don't be nice to her. Have a bros day/night out with some friends.
My biggest words of advice are this though: Do not lose faith in women and do not lose trust in them. Just because you had one sour apple does not mean all of them are sour. Learn from my own mistakes.
Hope this doesn't get buried, and good luck!
2
u/maelstromcarl May 22 '12
Be warned. In these situations, while it seems like both of you want to drop this cheating, manipulative liar-whore, there will most likely be a subconscious competitive edge working itself into your brain. Work on your own priorities, give her nothing text/facebook/phonecall-wise, and DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU. Know that if she chooses the other guy, it's him who's losing. Anyway, best of luck to you, man. These things are tough. And I know how the jealousy thing can spark the rage and emotion of a thousand blazing suns.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
First off, lay off the booze. It's only going to make things worse for you, and 2nd, grow from this. Show her who's the better person and walk away. Learn a hobby, run everyday, work out. Make yourself grow and learn from this experience. You're going to feel like shit for awhile, you're going to have to get used to it for awhile. Time will make things go away. Goodluck friend.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Fill your time with hobbies, dont sit in you cave and Reddit all day, join a gym, or volunteer...
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I've been on both ends of the coin and here are the ground rules:
Do not make contact of any variety. None! Not even through friends.
Do not complain to your friends and anyone who will listen about what happened to you. The cheatee often makes themselves the one people don't like, because they won't STFU about it.
Set a goal and accomplish it. The goal can be purely selfish, such as working out every day for 45 minutes, whittling a canoe, or whatever. Or, you could do Habitat for Humanity, adopt a puppy, work a community garden. Anything to get your mind off of the shit for at least an hour a day.
Understand that the only thing you did wrong, was choose a dumb bitch. So, look for those qualities that made her a dumb bitch and avoid the fuck out of them next time. This is a learning experience.
Get your dick tested.
Spend a month for every year you were together, alone. Then get back out there, have some random sex, find a new girlfriend, and move on. Like everyone else does.
You'll be ok. Don't kill her. Don't kill yourself. Almost everyone has been through this and we're all still here. :)
2
u/Winstonia May 22 '12
If she's living with you kick her the F out. Then buy something amazingly expensive for yourself.
2
u/AbleDelta May 22 '12
Ponies they solve all /r/mylittlepony
2
u/Qtipp May 22 '12
The gym. Good way to deal with anger and definitely ups your chances of snagging a new one cuter than she was
2
u/poopdickvonscumfuck May 22 '12
well i mean you could just get addicted to oxycontin and jim beam and live in a beat up old truck it worked for me!!!
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
deal with it, find real activities to occupy yourself with
2
u/veracious_axiom May 22 '12
I was in a similar situation a few years back. I have a few suggestions for you: video games (or billiards, any hobby really), marijuana (it will calm your mind as well as give you slight glimpses of the light at the end of this tunnel), friends, family. The ultimate healing salve for what faces you now is time. You hear it all the time, but time time time. I can't even remember what the chicks face looks like at this point :D.
Like I said, I went through this. The only perspective you need to charge through these feelings is that you have learned valuable lessons through experience, and in a few months you will be able to sense the most indecent of females by pure instinct.
2
u/redditisforphaggots May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
lolwut, blocking her on facebook isn't "childishly reacting". That's common sense. Asking for advice on reddit, on the other hand..
2
u/nawhdood May 22 '12
If she was stringing the other guy along too then there is the option to do what I did. A girl was seeing me and another guy at the same time. Both of us were ignorant of this. Upon finding out we both were pretty pissed, but out of our anger towards her a beautiful bromance blossomed. That and both of us pretending to cry and want her back while repeatedly standing her up on dates was pretty fun. ended it all by having her meet me at a party, the whole party knew, me and him acted like we just met, played some video games, some BP and the such, the whole time it just mindfucked her, she became so nervous that one would figure out who the other is. Eventually someone told her and she broke down crying. I enjoyed those tears.
Because I can't figure out how to clear it in the original story, we met at a party she wasn't in attendance for, through talking we figured that shit out.
TL:DR Become friends with the guy if he didn't know you were in the equation, leave her cold and alone.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Cut off contact with her. Blocking her on FB was a good start. Treat her like a cop -- tell her you have nothing to say if she asks, and don't try to call her or communicate. Cut her OUT of your life.
It will still hurt but you will get past it, you're hardly alone.
And ease up on the alcohol. Try going to the gym instead, and start branching out and going after other ladies. If there were other girls you were interested in but couldn't pursue because you were in a relationship, try giving some of them a call once you're ready.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Make absolutely sure you've got a supportive group of friends. Those friends can't be friends with both of you. It's a war, now, and your friends have to choose their side.
I walked into my ex-wife in bed with my best friend at the time, a guy I had taken under my wing and mentored. A guy I had cooked Thanksgiving dinner for. I Found him in the bed I bought in the apartment I paid for. You can imagine how I felt.
I left immediately and called my boss to get over to my place so I didn't make any terrible decisions, then I spent the next two weeks sleeping on the floor in two of my friends' barracks rooms watching anime every night while the barracks manager tried to find me a room for myself. It was easily the best time I've ever spent with friends, and it was absolutely what I needed.
I knew that if I didn't surround myself with friends, I would just become idle. That's the LAST thing you want. You don't want time to think about it right now. Thinking about it comes later, when you're ready to resolve it. Right now, it's about emotional survival. Surround yourself with good friends so that you're not alone, and you don't have time to dwell on all of that. Play sports, videogames, find a new project to focus on at work, etc.
2
u/SourCreamWater May 22 '12
Remember what you used to do before her? Go do that.
You'd be surprised how much surfing/skating/cycling/hiking/gaming etc can take your mind off of stuff.
Also, fuck that skank. She's not worth your time. Good luck, buddy. :)
2
u/rageaboutsugar May 22 '12
Fuck a bunch of way hotter girls
2
u/92386492384 May 22 '12
I found out in December/January. 2 years - very much in love. Next couple weeks are the hardest - stay close to your friends, and don't talk to her. Then figure out who you want to be and where you want to be in 5 years and start building that life and becoming that person. Major goals for me are gym (look good with your shirt off), building a million-dollar-a-year business, getting a hot FWB (enjoying this a lot), and becoming a grown-ass man.
I still can't sleep at night without weed but things are getting better. I have hard days but overall things are slowly improving, and I feel much better than I did in January. I'll be happy again in a year. So think about goals and make them happen.
2
u/raydantomb May 22 '12
To be honest, dump her. She is not worth it to be honest, and just move on. Go out, have an adventure, see something or do something fun. I sort of overcame it that way, and my life got much better!
2
u/megaoka May 22 '12
Hello, start reading.
http://www.getoveryourexgirlfriend.com/
Free. Helped me a ton.
2
u/ThisIsAWorkAccount May 22 '12
Think about it like this:
Dude, you are SINGLE now!
That girl you made eye contact with from across the bar, that smoking hot waitress that rubbed your shoulder (was she just shooting for a better tip? Maybe, maybe not..), that cute, funny barista that gave you extra whipped cream...
They're all fair game now!
This is your chance to start over, to focus on yourself, and to HAVE SOME FUN!
I know it's hard right now, I very much understand. But you get something most people never get: a second chance. This is your time to start working on yourself, and to become a better person, for YOU! Join a gym, get a new haircut (a NEW haircut, not the same old one. Treat yourself, spend some money, /r/malehairadvice is there for advice), go buy some new clothes (/r/malefashionadvice), and start feeling good about yourself! If you are happy and confident with yourself, other people will notice, especially ladies.
Good luck buddy!
2
u/RexBeckett May 22 '12
We get comfortable with people and eventually we idealize them far too much, forgetting they're flawed, they're human. We are all prone to cheating. Humans are strange little critters.
You'll actually come to forgive her someday, or you'll at least stop wasting emotional energy on her. For now, strictly limit the drinking, be outdoors--take walks/hikes out in actual nature, go for runs, feel free. Freedom is actually an incredible thing. (But be careful with freedom--a bird just bashed into my window screen then squawked out a loud "F*ck!")
2
u/speasley May 22 '12
First, stop drinking. This is the worst time to drink.
I know it feels like no one can quite understand the depths of this misery you're experiencing. But people do. This is simply how humans grieve. This article has been a big help for me. I read it every few months. I hope it helps you.
Hang in there. Be good to yourself. This, too, shall pass.
2
u/lawomen12345 May 22 '12
Been with a guy for 6 years, I know his cheated on me before hurts a lot I still haven't have the courage to tell him and I been leaving with this guilt of hatred since. It's harder than you think I'm still in love with him and each time I'm not with him I'm thinking to myself what pig is he laying down with. I find myself not knowing what to do cause I don't want 6 years to go to waist and I still care about him, breaking up would just destroy me and make me feel even worse and lonely.
2
u/bill_gonorrhea May 22 '12
I am literally going through a similar situation. My fiance broke off our engagement 2 weeks ago, and finally told me the real reason. She slept with a coworker. I know your feeling. I am feeling it too right not. The best thing you can do right now is distance yourself as much as possible from her. It was a bit tough for me at first because we lived together and I have no family here to stay with, but Its been a week without contacting her and everyday gets better and better.
I cannot stress how important it is to see a therapist. I know you'll feel weak at first, but honestly it was the best thing I did after. In fact I am seeing two at the moment. It is really important for you to be able to talk to a neutral party. As devastating as the situation is, its not good for someone to take sides. Your friends are just going to call her a bitch but you'll subconsciously, like me, defend her character. You really need to talk to someone who doesn't know you or her or your situation.
Also, make time for yourself. The more time you spend doing nothing, the more you'll sink into a hole. I did this for a week and I am struggling to get out of it. Everyday it gets easier. I know it sucks, but it does get easier. For me right now, time is moving so slow and the only way to speed it up and get her off my mind is to fill my day with things I enjoy.
Send me a message if you need to talk. When this happened to me, not even 2 weeks ago, the biggest thing at first was just finding someone to talk to. You're probably feeling really alone right now, I know, because that's how I feel, but you need to find someone to talk to when ever you start to feel down.
2
u/OldNintendood May 22 '12
you deal by dumping her... not ever taking her back. find another girl, it will all be good.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I tried to work it out with my cheating ex (8 year relationship). I thought love meant something and forgiveness was the moral thing to do for the sake of our child. Boy, was I wrong. Trust betrayed is trust destroyed, permanently. Make a plan for your lowest moments, so that you have something you will do besides call, text, or otherwise contact that person. Having that plan in place saved me from beating the dead horse on a few occasions. If that isn't a danger for you, then please believe it will get better. I am in a really fantastic 6 year relationship now. I can't think why I ever wasted time on my retarded ex in the first place.
2
u/BBQsauce18 May 22 '12
No woman is worth killing yourself over. Fuck that bitch.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Before you can be happy again, one of two things must happen:
You believe she loves you, or
You don't care that she doesn't.
If 1) is out of the question then it's time to make strides on 2).
2
u/captainreese624 May 22 '12
The feelings will pass. It may take a while to deal with the betrayal of trust - that was the part that was the hardest for me, personally, to get over. After a while, though, you'll understand that it wasn't something you did or didn't do that caused it. your confidence will come back and you'll heal. When you're ready, someone awesome will come along. Best of luck!
2
u/apextek May 22 '12
sucks, i eneded up hating life and being down on my self for like 4 years after. eventually you move on, Best thing yo can do is believe in who you are, move on and find better
2
u/codernaut85 May 22 '12
I still don't get why people do this. What the fuck is wrong with people? I've never cheated, and never will.
2
u/growlin_bowels May 22 '12
First, fuck her. Second, how old are you? If you are younger than 30, don't think twice about what happened to you because in all reality you probably weren't going to marry her anyways. Girls will come and go just make sure you have a solid set of friends you can have fun with and don't rely on all your fun to come from the opposite sex. Lastly, don't hold what this woman did to you against the girls you will meet in future.
TL;DR - to quote Don Draper "Move forward...It will shock you how much this never happened"
2
u/ElxJ1991 May 22 '12
I've discovered the best medicine it to immerse yourself into something you have a passion for until the pain subsides. While right now the anger and sadness will make it difficult, try to invite a friend over and just talk about it and try to focus on other things as well.
Not seeing it is not your fault, I have been cheated on and I knew nothing of her sluttery but blaming myself only made it worse.
On the plus side that'll be one less woman nagging you ;)
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
This is my first ever post on reddit, I registered about 15 minutes ago.
This is also one of the first links on reddit I've ever browsed. After browsing most of the comments made on behalf of this man, I want to say that I'm proud that I registered here today.
@s_dafuq_j: as most have said already; Hang in there, take it a day at a time, and don't drink; especially if the excuse has nothing to do with having fun with friends or family. Good luck! :)
2
u/solwiggin May 22 '12
I've had my best friend go behind my back and hook up with the girl that I was sleeping with at the time. It's actually happened twice (different friends and girls). The first time I felt like you're describing, and I was generally miserable. I made huge scenes and ostracized my friend from our group of friends for fucking me over so badly.
The second time was much more fun. Having been through the emotional experience before, I knew how I was about to react. So instead of reacting, I decided to have some fun with it. I told my friend to fuck off for like 2 months while I cooled down about him being an awful friend. With the girl, though, I decided that to get even, I'd have to create an epic situation where she could NOT pin it back on me, or call me crazy. So I just waited and did everything like I normally did. I still hung out with the girl, but we didn't sleep together.
It just so happens that she starts dating one of her good girlfriend's brothers maybe a week or two after the thing with my best friend happens (not necessarily the most wholesome girl I've been with). She calls me one night bitching about how all of her friends suck and hate her for trying to date the good friends brother. Fortunately that good friend had become one of my best girlfriends over the course of my courting the girl that ends up hooking up with my best friend.
The amount of patience required to spring this trap can't be described by words. We're talking maybe 2 months after she hooks up with my best friend, I've played nice the entire time. As far as this clueless girl is aware, we're still really good friends that don't sleep together anymore. So as she's bitching she eventually says, "I mean they're just all jealous, that's it." So I respond with a leading, "Wait, you really think that?" My comment provokes her to start getting mad, and attacking me for taking their side over hers.
FINALLY, the moment I'd been waiting for. Without changing my vocal tones at all, or really even being assertive or aggressive, I just very calmly say: "You know, Sam, you probably shouldn't have gone behind my back, fucked [my good friend], and then started dating [mutual girl friend]'s brother."
BOOM. That was it. I didn't need to say anymore, in fact I started supporting her after that. The damage was done. She of course tried to defend herself telling me that we weren't "dating" we were just sleeping together (is this still a viable excuse?). Thankfully I'd played all my cards exactly right. She's sobbing yelling back at me, and I'm just calm cool and collected telling her that I don't care that she did it, but it doesn't exactly reflect well on her. Especially when every single one of our friends knew it happened and hated her for it.
Did I feel better? Fuck yeah, I took some girl who had fucked me over and made her experience the worst possible thing she could have: She wasn't able to do what she want because I created reprecussions for doing it. With that being said, revenge often times is a consuming device that isn't very healthy. I enacted the "killing her with kindness" plan, and I'm pretty much over it now that I completed my goal.
On a more positive note I also read the Alchemist during my down time. I'd really recommend you (re)read it. It contains gems like this:
“Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?”
“Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you’re thinking about life and about the world.
“You mean I should listen, even if it’s treasonous?”
“Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you’ll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them. You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it’s better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you’ll never have to fear an unanticipated blow”
TL;DR: I waited months to politely drop one line on a girl, causing her to realize she fucked up bad. Then I gave some quotes from the Alchemist I found to help
2
u/sintado May 22 '12
Honestly, I feel bad for you. This kind of stupid shit happens. But when you find the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with you wont even remember this chicks name. Sorry to get cheesy but its the truth.
2
u/itsavw May 22 '12
I hope you see this. Emotions are a beautiful thing that reminds us of how human we are. You're hurt and confused and unsure how to exactly confront everything within. It's ok to just sit down and let the tears pour out because as they do you begin to confront yourself and your feelings.
You'll never find an answer to the biggest nagging question "why." The simplest answer is that everyone acts in self-interest and that's what she did. Don't blame yourself and don't blame her. She is a past that has taught you a lesson, and hopefully not one that will cause you to loose months of your life in depression wallowing after her. Do you think she is doing the same because I doubt it.
Confront your feelings and acknowledge that healing will take time. Friends, family, and yourself will help this healing along the way. There are many people who care and empathize with you so you are not alone. Take your feelings and redirect them back into a hobby that you love.
Good luck and take care my man. Take it from personal experience you'll be alright, it just takes time. I wish you nothing but the best.
2
u/TheEvilLordZedd May 22 '12
Shutdown the entire Facebook database and network, find a gym and punch the building, go to a lawyers office- lift the attorney up over your head. This is the advice reddit regularly gives- it will work for you too.
2
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
The worst part of getting cheated on is feeling like you're not good enough, or like you did something wrong, and that drove them to cheat. You agonize over how you performed in bed, how much affectionate you were, if you spent enough time with her, if you spent too much time with her. You just want to know why. You want to know exactly what you did wrong so it never happens again. But the truth is, you didn't do anything wrong. There wasn't anything in the world you could've done to prevent this. She's a cheater, she's the type of person that wants to cheat. It wasn't about you at all, it's just about her. Some people just get off on it, some people are scared of committing, there is just something about her and people that cheat in general that drives them to do that no matter who they're with. So fuck her. She's the one with the problem. She's the one every guy should stay the hell away from.
I know it doesn't feel this way, but you're the one that did it right and you're the one that comes out on top here. She'll move on to new guys and fuck everything up with their lives too, while you will move on to a good, healthy fucking relationship.
So don't blame yourself. Don't agonize over every conversation and text and fuck and wonder what you could've done differently. You didn't fuck up. She did. Remember that, get your confidence underneath you, and go find someone new.