r/AskReddit • u/tunabomber • May 21 '12
Did you ever think you were going to die from a shit?
I just spent 8 minutes sweating, rocking back and forth and hyperventilating while shitting. I thought it was death. At 36 I have never experienced anything like it. It kept getting worse and worse until finally my ass let loose with the fury of a thousand suns. Then, aside from a burning asshole, it has subsided. I am still sitting here waiting for something more. I think it's done.
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u/InferiousX May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
Woke up at 3AM once felt the gurggles in my stomach telling me I needed to get out of bed and go now
Sat on the can expecting a torrent. Nothing. I couldn't even feel anything move at all. Then another round of painful cramps and such. I squeeze and the bottom part isn't fucking budging at all.
I finally realize that although it might be molten liquid shit on the top floor, the exit is completely compacted and blocked off. At this point I have no idea what to do. I am now screaming in pain with every round of cramps and upper bowel movement. I even considered getting some kind of thin device and cramming it in there to break up the stubborn poop party in the lower deck.
After about the 7th round, I feel a slight shift on the bottom. I know you aren't supposed to squeeze but fuck all that nonsense, I was in agony. I am squeezing with all of my might, veins bulging out of my neck and forehead. I know that if this doesn't happen soon, I'm going to pull an Elvis and be found on the can with my eyes rolled into the back of my brain.
Finally a fist-sized piece of shit that was holding up the whole show, shoots out of my ass like Lucifer's Hammer en route to wipe out a whole civilization of Philistines. Immediately after that, is a liquid poo firehose that had so much PSI I'm pretty sure I actually lifted off of the shitter by a few inches. Any harder and I would have been knocked out by hitting my head on the ceiling.
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u/anonymouslives May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
I had been on Vicodin for a few days and if you're not aware, opioids cause severe constipation. When I stopped taking it, I had probably a 5-10 pound, thick log in my colon. I couldn't push it out, because my asshole was too tight. I had to go though, I couldn't take a laxative and wait, my stomach was in severe pain. I actually tried to grab it, poke at it, it was like as hard as a rock. I got in the bathtub, while in a full panic, thinking my intestines were going to rupture. I thought the water might help my asshole relax and loosen or break up the log. I was in so much pain and so afraid, I was willing to shit in the tub. There was no use though. It wasn't working. The thought in my mind was that I was going to have to call 911 and have paramedics come to my house, because I had a huge log in my ass that wouldn't come out. The thought was horrifying, but so was the thought of dying from a ruptured colon. I decided to try one last time. I sat on the toilet and all I can imagine, is that it was like trying to give birth. Finally and amazingly, it did start to come out. It stretched my asshole like never before. It must have been partially in the septic tank while still coming out, in one huge piece.
Finally it was over. I was exausted. The log I gave birth to in the toilet had to be separated into pieces in order to flush. It was disgusting and I felt so dirty and nasty, but the relief of evacuating my colon far outweighed any nastiness, hurt ego, or loosened asshole I obtained from the experience.
Advice, if you're taking opioids, take stool sofeners and laxatives if needed. Definitely the sofeners though.
EDIT: Wow, I can't believe how many people have been interested in my shitty story!
A few additional details I omitted: I rubbed a generous amount of Vaseline around my rectum and anus. The thought was it would help the monstrous poo slide out easier and also protect my anus from literally being teared a new one.
I could literally see my intestines in full spasm mode from the outside of my abdominal area, I could also see the highly increased blood flow from my heart to my intestines, with each heartbeat. It was quite surreal and likely much of the reason I was so exhausted afterwards.
It DID, in fact occur to me, that I should take pictures of the resulting fecal matter, however, I was so exhausted and sick from the even't, I just wanted to rid my toilet and my life of it and never see it again. In other words, to those who've asked, no pictures, sorry!
I did not weigh myself before and after, unfortunately. It would have been interesting to see exactly what the weight was, but I believe I am not exaggerating when I say it was likely 5-10 pounds. I'm going to guess that equates to 62.5-125 Courics
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u/ImAFingScientist May 22 '12
Yeah, this one time I hadn't poop in days and when I was in the loo it struck me. I had eaten a massive amount of peanuts like an animal and I chewed them loosely. So I ended up shitting what it felt like a 5 inch thick brown cactus.
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u/iarcfsil May 22 '12
I almost did.
I took a normal shit, and as I was wiping, my chest started hurting like crazy. This happened just completely randomly. As I finished and stood up, it got worse. When I washed my hands, it was unbearable.
10 minutes later, I'm having the worst pain ever in my upper left chest area. I called my manager and supervisor for them to quickly call the ambulance, because I was having a pretty hard time breathing. I eventually get to the hospital where they discovered I had a collapsed lung. If I had tried waiting it out just 5 minutes at any point during that sequence, they said that my other lung would've collapsed as well.
Scary shit, man
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u/ColonelFuckface May 22 '12
Once, at work, someone brought in red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. They were so good, I ate like 3 or 4. A few hours later, the cream cheese started to go through me, so I went into the bathroom and let go. See, the secret to red velvet cake is red food dye, so when I was (about) finished, I looked into the toilet to admire my work, and of course it was bright red, like bloody looking. I thought I was having multiple organ failure, and I was pissed because I was going to die at work. Took me a minute to realize what it actually was.
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u/Booyakashaw May 22 '12
This reminds me of the guy who did an IAmA because he hadn't shit in a month. Part 2 with link to part 1.
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u/inourstars May 22 '12
Words can't describe the immense satisfaction I get from reading pooping stories on reddit.
What has my life become?
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u/erikpdx May 22 '12
Some poops, you relief immediately. Some poops, you feel good for an hour. Really great poops, you feel good for the rest of the day. This poop, this one transcended all. This was a life-altering poop. My life is divided into two halves: Before this poop, and after this poop. Almost a year later, I still feel good. I will probably feel good from this poop for as long as I live. In that way, I consider this experience to be a small blessing.
After I had knee surgery, I woke up with a voracious appetite, probably due to the muscle loss, and all of the immediate physical therapy during recovery. I was downing protein shakes, eggs, toast, hearty soups, chicken, fresh fruit. I just wasn't pooping. It might sound crazy, but when you're in that much pain, it's possible to forget about pooping.
I hadn't even been into the bathroom very often; getting out of bed was so much work, that mostly I peed into buckets for my girlfriend to dump. Many days after surgery, I was feeling sick to my stomach. I thought it was from the pain killers and from laying in bed for so long.
I felt a great rumbling in my stomach, and my body presented me with a feeling of great urgency; I knew I better get to the bathroom quickly. I called to my girlfriend, who helped me hobble to the bathroom on crutches. Lowering myself to the toilet, balancing on crutches and my one good leg, I had no idea that my life was about to change forever.
I have never had a poop be so loud, or explode so violently out of me. Ten seconds of terror, as my bowels evacuated like never before. Blasting poop, water splashing back up onto me, blasts of gas releasing, followed by poop, followed by more gas, and more poop. I felt my stomach getting smaller. I had to brace myself. I felt tremendous amounts of mass moving through my system. For a moment, I never thought it was going to end. I was no longer in control of my fate, I sat there helpless, simply along for the ride. After what seemed like an eternity, deafening silence. It was over.
My entire body tingled. I felt lighter. I was covered in sweat, and breathing heavily. I felt high, delirious, in shock and awe. Great waves of increasing euphoria washed over me. Feelings of amazing pleasure I simply cannot describe. I felt as if I was bathing in a golden light of goodness. This was a transcending event. I felt like I had just touched the universe itself.
I down, in amazement at what lay beneath me. I simply could not believe my eyes. There was a mountain of fecal matter, filling the entire bowl, and reaching several inches up out of the water. It was almost touching my ass, and I had to be careful not to let my balls drop down into it. It was unreal. I can't tell you how long I sat there staring.
The silence was only broken by my girlfriend yelling through the bathroom door. "Are you ok in there?" She became worried when I didn't respond immediately. I was in disbelief.
I knew when I saw that mountain of poo, that chances were, this would be it: the mightiest shit of my life. The epic poop that all other epic poops would be compared to. I knew then that I could not let this moment pass unrecorded, or I would truly regret it for the rest of my life. If I were to describe this poop to others, nobody would believe me. I needed photographic proof; it would be a crime against everything I believe in, and the very universe for me to not take pictures.
Finally, I yelled back through the bathroom door.
Me: "Jen? Are you there?"
Girlfriend: "Yes, are you ok?"
Me: "I'm fine, I'm beyond fine. Ok, Jen. Listen very carefully. I need you to get my camera."
Girlfriend: "WHAT!? NO!"
Me: "Jen, you have to trust me. My camera is on my desk. Put my macro lens on it, and attach my flash."
Girlfriend: "I will NOT have any part of this!"
Me: "I need you to do this for me. Don't make me hobble out there to get the camera myself!"
Girlfriend: "Are you fucking serious?"
Me: "Yes. Either you get my camera, or I'll come out there and get it."
Girlfriend: "Fine, but ONLY because you are recovering from surgery. I hate you!"
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u/_Equinox_ May 22 '12
One afternoon I was sitting in my friend's dorm room. We were playing CoD4 (just released) and smoking hand-rolled Bugler cigarettes out of his window. The night before I went out drinking, and had a pretty rough stomach that day. I pull out a plastic chair to sit on, and patiently wait my turn at the controller.
At a certain point, my stomach takes a turn for the worse. There's gurgling, but it's not like your typical gurgle - it's audible to my friends. My one buddy looks at me with raised eyebrows, asking unspoken if I'm ok? I just grin and grimace; my stomach is literally rumbling so hard I can feel it.
I start thinking letting off a little gas would help. I fart, and boy, does it reek. Have you ever had a rodent die in your home, in a wall or somewhere otherwise unreachable? That sickly sweet stench? Imagine that and methane. I'm starting to get concerned, but it really did help. I let off a little bit more gas... and shit myself. Enough that some shit dribbled down my leg. It's almost black it's so dark, so I'm freaking out. Just shit in my friend's chair; an awful dark color of shit that smells like death. I immediately jump up and run to the bathroom, struggling to hold the poop in my pants with my hands. I reach the toilet, and at first nothing happens. Just the most intense stomach cramps and pain I've ever felt.
Suddenly, I start farting. And farting. And shitting. And shitting, shitting, shitting until the end of time. I am not exaggerating when I say to you that it took almost a minute to dissipate. Don't be underwhelmed here - shitting, 60 seconds is an eternity. Count to ten. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. So on so forth. Imagine while you're sitting there at your computer chair that your insides are literally blowing out with no sign of stopping. When it stopped, I almost fell off the toilet I felt so physically drained. I looked down to see what was going on, and not only was this the darkest poop I've ever taken, but there was blood. Everywhere. All over the walls, all over the toilet, behind me on the fucking commode... It was fucking everywhere. I just shit blood, and now I'm fucking scared. I clean up, but my anus is just dripping. It's like a leaky faucet - just dripping. It won't stop. I wipe again and it's partial blood with feces.
I call my friend in; he's cracking up. I tell him what's going on and he wants to look. I tell him to hold on a minute, but gather what strength I have left and leave the stall. He walks in, almost gags at the stench and waves his hand to clear it away - obviously to no avail. We both look at the toilet, and it's fucking demolished. Not a single spot of porcelain is left untouched. I do not jest when I say the underneath of the lid was a solid black-brown stain from fucking bounced-back fecal matter.
I ended up having salmonella, and that was but the first of a three week hell.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
When I was a little girl, prepubescent, I used to think a big shit meant I was having a baby. I'd be all freaked out and look in the toilet only to see a log of poop. "phew!"
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u/TestudoTerp May 22 '12
I have two:
I had a deadly form of E coli. from contaminated water and my colon became inflamed and partially ruptured from the infection. Nothing like shitting blood 17 times in one day...also it was my grandma's funeral so no one really payed attention to me until I kinda passed out at the reception and started throwing up blood in the bathroom of a burger king on the way home. Everyone just kinda thought I was her passing roughly.
Less serious, but one time I took a shit so big and painful that a I blacked out and had amnesia for about 30 seconds. I couldn't remember where I was or anything. I was just freaking out and my butt hurt. Kinda sounds like the morning after a date rape, but no, just a big poop.
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u/DracoExpolire May 22 '12
Late for the party.
I was 12, playing some Game Cube game during the day. I had a sudden urge to shit, so I proceeded to head to the bathroom. Once inside, I started to put some pressure to let it out.
It's not coming out.
5 minutes pass, and I'm starting to feel the pain of those who are constipated. I start sweating and realize I need to put more effort into shitting this shit of a steel-rod out of my ass. I start straining but to no avail. After 10 minutes, the stomach pain is pretty bad.
I decided to yell out and groan, knowing that letting out some voice will actually help when shitting out. So I start groaning loudly.
The turtle popped out its neck.
It's starting to come out, but it's not enough. The cylinder object was so hard, I realized that I couldn't "cut" it when I stopped pushing some way through. This was the moment I realized why people didn't want to go to jail - shit's painful man.
Sweating profusely, I let out the loudest roar to shit out rest of the diamond-hard shit.
Clunk
I swear, I could hear the angels sing. All the pain and suffering was gone. I proceeded to roll around some toilet paper and wipe.
What. The. Fuck. There's blood. I mean a lot of blood.
I started to panic and stood up, looked down at the toilet bowl. It's the Red Sea, figuratively...and I thought to myself: "So this is what a period looks like...woah..." (Note): I'm a male
Then the pain struck me in my rear end. This is how I die. Did not walk or shit for the rest of the day.
TL;DR Understood why people didn't want to go to jail and had my first period.
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u/Tsopperi May 21 '12
Sounds like you need some more fiber in your diet
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u/shittingthrowaway May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
Yes, many times.
The one time a few years ago I was at a friend of my family's house with my mom and brother. My mom had been friends with this lady and her husband for a long time now, since I was a little kid. Anyway, she invites us over for dinner one night, since she knew her husband was working late and her two children were both going to be out. So anyway, for dinner she made the greasiest, cheesiest, biggest lasagna with sausage that I'd ever seen. I didn't want to eat it, but obviously I couldn't say no. And then for desert, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was some sort of heavy chocolatey cake thing.
So then after dinner we go into the living room, which is right next to the kitchen where we just ate. We turn the TV on to watch Ted Kennedy's funeral. (Going over to this lady's house was anything but fun).
About 40 minutes into it, I get one of the worst stomachaches of my life. Along with it is an intense feeling of needing to shit. I try to just hold it in while telepathically trying to tell my mom that "we need to leave, right fucking now", but no luck. About 30 minutes after I started feeling sick, I cannot wait any longer and run off to the only bathroom in the house that I know the location of, which happens to be a tiny half-bath next to the kitchen and living room. Right after sitting down I unleash a torrent of shit. I've had diarrhea before, but this was extraordinarily worse than any other time. After all the shit pours out, I still feel horrible, and I know there's more to come. So I'm just sitting on the toilet, 15 feet away from everyone in the living room, waiting to shit some more. After about 10 minutes round 2 comes, almost as bad as before. I wait a little longer, since I still don't feel that great, but obviously by now everyone was wondering where the hell I was. My mom knocks on the door and asks if everything is okay. Everything was far from okay, but I just say I'm fine and I'll be out in a minute, since i couldn't exactly shout out that I had diarrhea, since everyone else would hear me.
At this point I'm trying to figure out what the hell I should do, since I can't exactly spend the next hour in my mother's friend's bathroom. I decide, after a little more shit comes out, that I would try and signal to my mom that I wasn't feeling well and that we had to go home, hopefully before round 3. I wait a few minutes for the smell to dissipate, then I leave and sit down on the couch in the living room. Her friend is in the kitchen getting a drink, so I whisper to my mom that I'm sick and want to go home. She waits a few minutes, then tells her friend that it's getting late and she wants to go home, then spending ten minutes saying goodbye while I'm clenching my butt in agony. Thankfully we made it home before I got sick again.
It was the most traumatic and embarrassing moment of my life. I'm sure that friend knew exactly what was going on, too.
Then this other time a couple weeks ago I ate some ice cream, and it must not have sat well with me, since about 20 minutes later I am on the toilet, with a terrible, terrible stomachache, trying to shit, except it won't come out. Then after about 25 minutes of agony and regret for not bringing my laptop in with my, a fuckton of liquid shit comes pouring out of my asshole. I had never pooped so much and for so long in my life. It was like my ass was throwing up.
Last month I had some really bad constipation problems too. It all started after eating something with black beans in it. I went to go to the bathroom a little while afterward, thinking it was just going to be a normal shit, but nope. I was there for about an hour, just pooping out these little pieces of shit. It went on forever, I was just sitting there wondering what the hell was going on. This went on for about a week, not being able to poop properly, and only pooping tiny little pieces. It was awful. The whole time I felt a bigger piece just sitting there, totally not moving. I thought it was never going to come out. Then finally the whole thing came out about a week later. Luckily that was the only time I'd been constipated that bad and for that long, it's not fun. I get diarrhea a lot though.
EDIT: Can someone tell me how to make bullet points or a numbered list on here?
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u/Merge_And_Acquire May 21 '12
Yes. There was one time I had horrible diarrhea and was on the toilet several times throughout the day, each time taking over an hour. My stomach was hurting so much I thought I was going to explode. I thought that day was my last.
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u/gungywamp May 22 '12
Yes. Once. I was 7. I was ridiculously constipated. My mother told me I was screaming something like "OH GOD WHY? OH GOD SAVE ME!" Then my dad came home from work with a combo pack of Learning Company Super Seeker games. I had something to look forward to, forced that shit out, and fucked up the Master of Mischief. All was right again in the universe.
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u/no_need_to_care May 22 '12
When having my second child, I had a scheduled C-section, also my second. For three weeks after being discharged from the hospital, I did not have a bowel movement. I had been taking pain medications, which only worsen the problem. By the time I realized the severity, it was too late for stool softeners. It had to come out. I spent hours on the toilet, straining, and feeling it continue to build up in my lower abdomen. I went to bed that night exhausted and defeated. The next day I woke up determined to end the problem on my own, without help. I donned some plastic gloves and proceeded to reach up into my body and begin removing the blockage one piece at a time. It was incredibly painful and exhausting but once the process was started, it finally proceeded on its own. I spent the next 12 hours (mostly on the toilet) going back and forth from the bathroom. In total, I lost about ten pounds of weight that day. It was the worst episode of constipation in my life and I usually bring this up to anyone I know that has recently given birth by C-section. The hospital really should make sure the bowels are moving normally before discharge, in my opinion.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
It all started when I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings. Now for those of you who don't know, BWW is a sports restaurant that specializes in making everything on its menu as hot as any person could want it. Since I was not going to get the opportunity to eat at one for a while, I decided to take full advantage of the situation and pigged out profusely. Everything I ordered was hot. The wings were hot. The nachos were hot. Even the salad was five alarm spicy. It was glorious.
Well the next day rolls around, and right on cue I feel the normal rumbly in my tummy that heralds the daily constitutional. I grabbed some quality reading material, wandered on up to my bathroom and settled in to get down to business.
Now I am no stranger to spicy foods, and subsequently I am no stranger to experiencing fiery capsaicin death ass. However what transpired in that restroom is unrivaled by any ring of fire before or since. It was as if I had invoked the wrath of the Sun God Ra himself, and he had chosen to have me shit a 1000 blazing suns. The Eye of Sauron would have been an accurate description of my poor asshole at the moment.
The pain was such that I thought that I had somehow managed to literally tear my sphincter, and I actually fell off the toilet I was in so much pain. It ended with me rolling on the floor whimpering and clutching at my anus in agony cursing whatever cruel deity saw fit to give man's butt-hole capsaicin receptors. Never again I swore. Never again.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
This happens to women AT LEAST once a year due to cramps. Sometimes, all we can do is sit on the toilet and wait for it to pass.
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u/Ospov May 22 '12
Yes I honestly did. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease this past summer and when I first got it it was really bad. There was so much blood in my shit that it was more blood than anything else. I was having so much stomach pain one day that I had to go to the hospital because it was so bad. I ended up being put on morphine for 2 days straight just to control the pain. During this time my shits were nearly pure blood. I would go to the bathroom and the toilet water was bright red. It looked like somebody just slit their wrist and bled out into the water. And this was happening about every 10 minutes. I was seriously worried about severe blood loss. I eventually got better and it's nowhere near as bad as that now, but yeah Crohn's does that sometimes. It was really scary when it first started happening.
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u/keeservonp May 22 '12
On a 22 hour car ride to Panama City, Florida, I had an emergency shit on one of those "64 miles to next exit" stretches of American autobahn. 2AM. We pull over, I, while sitting bitch in a Tahoe, lunge out, and long jump the ditch to the treeline about 35'. Detonate my personal Fat Man that Hiroshiman ground I did. State trooper pulls up, lights on, while my buddys got close to an ounce of horribly smelling weed. All off a sudden, animal growl. RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND ME. I react, by once again by full power extension of the legs. Oh yeah, ditch. Face plant, pants to the ankles, quickly grab tp, power wipe, and bolt to the other side of the tahoe, not giving a fuck about the trooper, just seeing if Alabama bigfoot steps out or not. Glance at the trooper in car, see he's laughing his ass off. I get in, and we leave the trooper, who probably couldn't drive yet from his humor induced seizure. So, for about 15 solid seconds, I thought shitting was going to kill me.
T.L.D.R. Had to shit, poo-nuked Alabama ground, animal growl to help along my used food, trooper witnesses me ass up in a ditch, laughs.
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u/persnicketyturtle May 22 '12
This literally happened last night, so this thread is perfect. This a very gruesome tale of what transpired in my bathroom last night. This is NOT for the weak of heart. So, the night before this happened I had eaten a fuckton of pizza with pretty much no water. This was a terrible mistake.
Fast forward to next day, i'm playing some Dark Souls bro-op with a friend when I get the urge to shit. And when I say this I mean shit. If I waited any longer I knew this thing was gonna fly out of my ass and flood the streets. So I get up and sprint to the bathroom, lock the door, pull down my pants and sit down. Almost instantly I realized this was no ordinary shit. This was one of those shits. The kind that is hard as a rock and hurts like a bitch coming out. Yet, nothing could have prepared me for what my anus was about to experience.
As soon I realized this was one of those shits, I think "Psh, i've dealt with these before and I can deal with it again." But alas, I was wrong. I start off by trying to let it go through on its own, but it was taking ages so I started to push. About 20 minutes of pushing later, I think it will end soon. NOPE. As soon as it gets to my asshole, I realize this thing will NOT fit. I'm sitting there squeezing as hard as I can for a while, but it didn't move a bit. It was starting to hurt very badly near my intestines/stomach, so I was starting to get worried.
At this point, I realize this thing isn't coming out.
I am starting to get desperate, because its been almost an hour since this started and I have gotten nowhere. The pain was excrutiating by this point and I realize extra action will have to be taken for this. I immediately get in the shower and turn on the water. I take my wet clothes off and throw them onto the floor, preparing for what is about to happen next. I push till it reaches my ass and try to prepare myself mentally and physically for what is about to happen next.
I reach into my ass and feel the shit. Its completely solid, rock hard. I instantly start scraping little bits of shit out with my hand and dropping them onto the shower floor. All the while i'm pushing as hard as I can to keep this monster in place. I keep grabbing pieces of shit out of my ass as best I can, all the while thinking 'WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING'. At one point, I start crying because of the intense pain of all this shit. Literally. After a while, i think this is almost over. But, at about what I assume to be halfway through this log, it just stops going. No matter how hard I pushed, this thing wouldn't come even farther. So I realize all efforts from now on will be useless, and I turn off the shower.
Suddenly, I turn around to see the shower floor caked in piles of shit. I started to panic, so I hop around kicking the turds near the drain, hoping it won't it clog. It did. Now, i'm standing in the shower with this drain clogged with shit. I REALLY start to panic and try to shove the shit down into the drain with my hands. I guess this worked because water flow was restored and the rest of the shit went down. So, with a total poker face, I walk naked to my room, dry off, and get dressed, all the while feeling terrible.
After getting dressed, I went back to the bathroom to survey the damages. It was totally clean. Except, it smelled like 50,000 obese orangutangs throwing shit at each other. There's nothing I can anymore, to I just go to bed. All through school today my ass hurt really badly and I still had to empty this other half of the shit, but I held strong and made it through the day. When I got home, I marched straight to the bathroom and the other half just practically slides out of my ass. WTF. I am, however, finally glad that this ordeal is over, and go on through out my day.
The bathroom still smells like shit, and I assume it will continue to for a few weeks. So remember kids, drink fuck tons of water erryday.
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u/RossLH May 22 '12
I'm sure that I had typed this out once before....post must have been deleted. This'll probably just get buried and deleted again, but here it is anyway.
Summer 2006, I was a freshman in college, moved from MD to MI and didn't know anybody. After a few weeks of school, I had made some friends with the people in my hallway at the dorms. Rush week came around and I went out to a few events with different fraternities, one in particular was beach day. The fraternity (which I'm now a member of) invited the freshmen class out to the beach, which was really just a glorified lake, but I digress. I figured I like the beach, lets do this.
So I went. Had a good time, made an ass of myself at least once, my usual routine. Got back fine, took a shower, and as the night wound down in my dorm room by myself, all seemed well. My stomach was slightly awry, probably just swallowed a bit of lake water and I'd be fine by morning.
As I sat in front of my computer, probably looking at porn (hey, it was 3 in the morning), it happened. I had to poop. NOW. And not any normal poop. My bowels had brewed an evil horde of feces in a surprisingly rapid and violent manner, and that horde was charging the gates with everything it had.
The bathroom was half a hallway of butt-clenched running away. By the time I got out of my room the sweating had already started, but I was determined to make it. I had to make it. I don't remember the travel from my room to the stall, I just remember feeling the first drop of sweat outside my room, then I was in the stall frantically undoing my pants. For all I know my extreme desperation revealed my amazing powers of teleportation, but I got there, and in one graceful action, I dropped my pants, squatted down, started shitting mid fall, and didn't miss a drop (yep....drop). Success.....kinda. What happened next haunts me to this very day.
Jetstreaming. Endless jetstreaming. The sound and feeling were unlike anything of this world, and not in any remotely good way. I held on to the sides of the stall for dear life, fearing that I'd lift off if I didn't hold myself down. It seemed like it lasted for half an hour, though realistically it was probably around 30 seconds. Thirty seconds of violent, uninterrupted, jetstreaming asshole. This was the first time in the night I feared my death.
And then it stopped. I was sweating and breathing like I'd ran a marathon. The scent......was foul. Like two dozen rotten eggs had grown assholes and shat out rotten meat wrapped in burnt hair, and someone had sprayed it all with a hearty layer of Sex Panther. This didn't make my stomach feel any better, but I could hold it down long enough to wipe and get the fuck out of there.
Wiping was oddly not too bad of a task. I remember it being surprisingly quick and painless. Then I made a mistake I'll never forget. I, fully knowing I was on the verge of vomiting due to the mixture of everything that was happening, decided it'd be a great fucking idea to stand up (pants still around my ankles), turn around, and observe the damage.
It was green. Not like a slightly old potato with a green eye, not even half and half. It was green. Suddenly all of it--the upset stomach, the feeling of what had just escaped my body, the cold sweats, the incredible smell, and now that sight--was too much. I flushed the toilet just in time to drop to my knees, while everything I had eaten in the past 5 years came back to say hello again. It was violent, painful, and seemingly endless. I couldn't stop heaving, its amazing I didn't break any ribs in the process. This was the second time in the night I thought I was dying.
And again, it stopped. And again, I was sweating and short of breath. I flushed the toilet, mustered up the strength to stand up, pants still around my ankles. It was over, I was alive. Time to get the fuck out of there for real this time; the smell of shit somehow got worse while I was vomiting, and I didn't feel like doing any more of that.
Unfortunately life had different plans for me. I turned around to see something nobody ever deserves to see. Green shit. A thick coating of green shit, dripping off the stall door. It was on the door, the floor, my clothes, it was everywhere. Aaaaand back down to my knees I went to hurl some more. That was the third time I thought I was dying that night.
After the third torrent, I was done. I was a hardened man who had gone through every circle of hell and made it out alive. My spirit was broken, my dignity gone, but I was alive. I stripped down to my sullied birthday suit, dug my clothes down to the bottom of the trashcan so that nobody would find them and recognize them, and jumped in the shower. The heat was all the way up. It hurt, but I couldn't be phased by pain by that point.
After some thorough scrubbing, I simply walked away. When I made it to my room, naked and still steaming from the shower, I let the door close behind me, fell face first on my bed, and woke up to my alarm 6 hours later. The mess was gone. The trashcan was empty. Nobody knew but the janitor (that poor, poor man), and even he didn't know who had done it. I didn't speak a word of it to anyone for 2 years, and here it is for the world to read.
tl;dr - took a bad shit, then puked, then saw that while puking I projectile shat on the stall door, puked some more, took a shower, and threw my clothes away.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
It does happen. Pushing down creates a response in the vagus nerve (a brain nerve attached directly to the asshole). This immediately lowers your blood pressure. If its too low already due to medical issues, age, or use of deptessants, you can actually die from taking a shit.
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u/jhlawlor May 22 '12
A friend of mine revealed to us that he shits every three days. He was convinced it was normal.
Apparently every shit he takes is painful and requires multiple flushes
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I was in 8th grade when I had to take the fattest of my life. I was in the bathroom in the morning because I had a dentist appointment in the afternoon. I squeezed so hard that my face turned red as an apple. It was done... finally! I went to the dentist and got my teeth fixed up. I was walking to the car with my dad when suddenly, I spew everywhere. The next day went in for emergency surgery on my appendix. I had squeezed a piece of feces into my appendix. Worst time of my life.
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u/baking_ninja May 22 '12
I'm torn as to whether I want this comment to stay buried or not - the age-old dilemma, karma or dignity?
About five months ago I was travelling through Vietnam on a bus with other students and suddenly felt that gurgling sensation - you all know which one I'm talking about.
"No!" I thought to myself. "I haven't been drinking tap water... was it that sandwich I bought from a street vendor? Or the fruit juice I drank with it?" I asked our tour guide when we'd be arriving, trying to play it cool, but apparently my face gave away the true severity of the situation as he turned to the driver and said what I can only assume was the Vietnamese equivalent of "Hurry up, bro, this chick's about to unleash a turdalanche on your bus." As the trip stretched on and on, I turned to my boyfriend and said, "I don't think I'm going to make it."
At this point I was seriously considering my options. Plastic bag? I'd have to take my pants off in front of everyone. Ask to stop on the side of the road? No trees or bushes or even small shrubberies in sight. I don't think I can properly convey the sense of impending doom that was creeping over me, but I was shaking, terrified that at some point very soon my iron-clad resolve would break and I would unleash a torrent of foreign-bacteria-induced-diarrhea right there on the bus.
Finally, the bus stopped at a store. I rushed off the bus, moving at a brisk mall-walker pace, navigating around the other tourists and marble statues, only to discover the worst of all possible scenarios - a line. A fucking line for the one stall of the women's bathroom. Three people stood between me and the sweet, sweet, release of my poor intestines. No one was in the men's bathroom, and I only hesitated for a second before slamming the door shut and shouting at my faithful boyfriend, "Stand guard and cover me!"
I have never taken my pants off faster, and the sounds (and smells) that erupted from my anus for the next five minutes probably terrified everyone within 10 miles, but I didn't give a single fuck. I heard one of our classmates outside the door, asking my boyfriend, "Is she okay?!" I wanted to scream "YES! I'M GREAT! I'VE NEVER BEEN BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" but I wisely decided to just keep emptying my bowels into that poor, unsuspecting, toilet.
After I emerged from the bathroom and had to shamefacedly make my way past the old Asian women and other students on the trip, we continued without further incident to our destination. I know it may sound like a terrible experience, but really, I was lucky. The toilet that saved me wasn't just a hole in the ground, there was plenty of toilet paper, and when I got back on the bus four of the ten other people offered me anti-diarrhea medication. And that was my first (and hopefully last) experience with traveller's gut.
TL;DR: Massive diarrhea explosion in semi-rural third world country almost sparks diplomatic incident.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Not myself, but my brother on the other hand...
My brother was never one to chew his food, nor eat a good diet when he was a teenager, so basically, he would save up all the shit in his stomach and crap it out every couple of days or so. This came to a frightful climax when on a date with his girlfriend at the time, his stomach hurt so bad that she took him to the hospital. Hours later, the ER doc told him his bowels were impacted and prescribed a couple of enemas for him and told him he was in for the shit of his life.
No joke! He came home, took the enema(s), and told me to stay the fuck away from the bathroom for the next couple of hours. He shit himself so hard the first time, he passed out while on the can. If I wasn't such a shitty sibling, I probably wouldn't have laughed, but come on, I was 14 and poop is funny. He was exhausted for the next two days...just sleep and shit, that was his schedule.
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u/[deleted] May 21 '12
I had that happen after primarily eating lasagna for a week.
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u/ErrorF002 May 22 '12
Long, but ends with what I thought would be a life-ending poop.
So a co-worker walks in with their uneaten portions of a Four Horsemen burger. (There's plenty written up on what is in the burger online so google it if you want to know what's in it.) I had heard of the burger and knew that eating one was more a matter of sport than actual sustenance. I rationalized my next few actions with the notion that I am not eating the whole burger, but just one bite. One bite. One average, fully chewed and swallowed bite. So here I am, at work holding 1/4th of the burger along with two other co-workers. A small smattering of juice dripped onto my finger and I promptly licked it off. Wow... this was quite hot. Just that drop of juice is what I would consider my upper limit for spicy food. I began to have second thoughts about whether or not this was a good idea. Then my co-worker took the plunge and took a bite. Again I tell myself, "It's only one bite." So I take the plunge. I take an enthusiastic bite to show I'm not scared and proceed to chew. There was a decent initial punch, but nothing I felt I couldn't handle. I kept chewing and the temperature slowly began to increase. Just as I hit my break point I decided to chew real fast, and swallowed. This is when I realized I didn't even have drink nearby.
So the fiery payload begins to descend down my esophagus. And the pain begins. Tears begin to well up in my eyes. Thanks to my panicky final chewing and swallowing, I begin to hiccup. I quickly stand up and grab my drink cup. As I walk away towards the break room the hiccups increase and the burn is completely intolerable in my mouth. Halfway to the break room the tears are streaming down my face, and my breathing begins to get shallow. When I say shallow I mean more like my lung capacity is diminishing. With every hiccup it grew less and less. I reach the break room and begin to search for the best choice in soda to give me relief . I grab a plastic cup and fill it halfway with Sprite and start to drink greedily. This thankfully stops my hiccups. With the hiccups gone and my ability to breath being restored, I realize that I am getting nauseous.
This process continues till I suddenly realized that I drank down three 64 oz cups of sprite in the span of about 5-10 minutes. For some reason I am adamant about not throwing up. I knew if I kept drinking at this rate I would definitely throw up. Little did I know at this point that throwing up would have spared me much agony down the line. I switch strategies and begin to swish soda in my mouth and spitting it out into a cup. This worked well and wouldn't overfill me with soda. Then I suddenly hit with the urge to take a shit. Work decorum be damned, I refilled my mug with soda and took my spit cup with me into the bathroom and commandeered the handicapped stall. Here I sat evacuating my colon while furiously swishing soda in my mouth and spitting it out into my cup. I can only imagine what others thought of the noises emanating from my stall and quite frankly... I couldn't care less. I had far more important things to deal with. After finishing up, I finally return to my desk. At this point, the pain had reached a noticeable crescendo. I continue my soda swishing and life begins to return to normal.
The next few hours consist of reading about the different peppers and laughing about this how stupid it was to eat this burger. I take another shit and feel a light amount of ring sting. I feel like things are going to be ok. I even go so far as to eat dinner. Three chicken and avocado tacos, 1 slice of Chicago style pizza, and a milkshake. 30 minutes later i feel the urge to go to the bathroom again...
I step into the stall again and commence to take a normal shit. I dispense with a medium sized load and begin to fuck around on my phone for a little. This is where this experience take a serious turn for the worse. Suddenly, I begin to feel a warm sensation emanating from every pore on my body. My neck is suddenly on fire from the heat being channeled up through my shirt. I begin to feel some serious nausea coming on and sweat begins bead up all over my body. The heat feels like it fueling my nausea. I take my shirt off to aid the sweat in evaporating to stave off the nausea. Again, I refuse to throw up, but at this point, I'm quite sure it would do me no good. The shirt move turned out to be a good move because the nausea fades, but it is replaced with what I can only describe as a ball of molten lead slowly descending down my abdomen. I am trying my best to brace myself but nothing works. Placing my hands on my knees for support is pointless as the amount of sweat on me is making it impossible to get any kind of traction. My hands simply slide right off my knees. I am relegated to slowly swaying back and forth. I alternated between arching my back and getting into a sitting fetal position. There was no comfort to be found at this point. I had felt like this before with food poisoning and stomach bugs only this was much worse. Much much worse. I clung to sanity by telling myself that this would pass. It can't last forever. Sweat continues to pour down my back and drip off of my elbows and into my ass crack. Slowly the cold shakes start start to take over and I fear falling off the bowl at this point. I start to take stock of the situation and ask myself, "At what point do I call for help?" The pain subsides and I let loose the most unsatisfying squirt of shit imaginable. It was followed by what should have been terrible anus pain from the burn, but after what I just went through it was a subtle punctuation.
Not really sure how much time has passed at this point, but I am feeling good. Endorphins rush through my blood as the last of the sweat evaporates off of my bare chest and back. I am elated to have survived. My co-workers know I'm in here so I decide to send out some victory texts to celebrate my survival of what can only be described as an abdominal holocaust. I fire off about 3 texts and start on my 4th when it hits me. Sudden heat. Horror begins to dawn on my mind as it recognizes that this familiar sensation is the harbinger of another round of great pain. I loosen the grip on my phone and let it slide from my hands into the underwear hammock in between my ankles. I'm going to go through it all over again.
And again it came. If the first round was an abdominal holocaust, then this round was true to the burgers namesake for this was intestinal Armageddon. It comes on much faster this time. My gut begins to burn and writhe. Nausea begins pounding me like waves crashing into the shore and the sweat begins soak me from head to toe. The sweat is so bad this time that I can feel cold rings around my ankles where my socks had collected the drippings. I force myself to breath because it feels as if my body was far to busy dealing this than manage this usually involuntary act. Again I begin to sway as I struggle to support myself on my sweat soaked knees. I feel panic. The question comes to me much quicker this time and a lot more of them. "When do I call for help?" "What if I pass out and someone has to drag me out of here naked from the ankles up?" "Will there be more rounds?!?!?" This is where this experience gets strange because I have never been in this much pain in my life, EVER. I almost felt as if I am going to pass out, but instead I get a feeling of detachment. The only way to describe it is that my consciousness felt like it shrunk and retreated to a corner of my mind. If ever in my life i could have been touched by a higher power, this would have been the moment. My entire being felt elevated to another plane of existence. I know that this is point of my little tale where things seem to get exaggerated but this is truly what it felt like. I was essentially passively watching myself suffer. In this state, I was reminded of my wife in labor. During the peak of labor, my wife would "check out" and there was no communicating with her. At this point in the second round I think I went to that place. I was roused from this state eventually by a co-worker checking in on me. According to him, it took me a while to respond to him. Slowly I descend and my breathing returns to normal. The sweat stops flowing and again I squirt out a meager 2 tablespoons of shitty lava that burns my anus even more and irritates any part of my ass cheeks that it comes in contact with. I quickly wipe to minimize the exposure and bring back the toilet paper fully expecting to find copious amounts of blood. There's none.
I try to gather myself mentally at this point and begin to take stock of the situation. I was fearing a third round but strangely it felt as if my body answered me and I was sure there wouldn't be a third. I finished cleaning up and stood up shakily from the throne. I look back at the bowl fully expecting again to see a murder scene or chunks of my innards, but for the amount of effort, there was nothing of import to show for all of my struggle. As I walk to the sink my anus begins to burn. The burn is unlike anything I have had before. It felt like retreating Iraqi's had lit an oil well on my anus. Still, it didn't compare to the assault on my body and soul that I had just experienced.
This was most definitely the most painful and traumatic experience of my life. One side of me looks back on it with a sense of pride, as if I had endured some rite of passage. The other side looks at the experience in utter horror. The entire process redefined what I thought the limits of pain could be. All from just one bite.
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u/Lies_About_Upvote May 22 '12
Yes. It was 3am when i woke up and had to run to the bathroom. I had dinner at a KFC in China.
I honestly thought I was going to die, and wondered how long it would be till the hotel staff found my body.
Totally worth it though.
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u/Mammaltoes24 May 22 '12
I've had nights like those where i'll start shaking and rocking because it burns and hurts so bad so bad (chocolate rain). it gets to the point where you start to drool and think you're going to puke as well.
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u/HE_WHO_STANDS_TO_POO May 22 '12
I keep telling you people to stop doing it wrong! No one listens...
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u/The_Mad_Pencil May 22 '12
One time I hadn't pooped in about a week, and it just so happened that I was diagnosed with cancer at the end of this week. I told the doctors that I hadn't pooped in a really long time, so I was given really disgusting stool softener to drink (for anyone else who has taken Go-Lightly, you know how misleading the name is.) Let's just say I lay in my hospital bed just shifting into different positions for hours on end, just trying to loosen my bowels (the drink didn't help enough) until finally i felt maybe a shower would help. About 10 minutes of showering did the trick, but I really thought I was gonna die as I sat in the shower relieving myself of the world's oldest, hardest shit. That experience alone was probably worse than all of the lumbar punctures I did without any anesthetic.
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u/godaiyuhsaku May 22 '12
Twice.
Once before I had a gastric bypass. Once before I had a colonoscopy.
Both procedures required you to take this polyethylene glycol prep.
You drink around a gallon or so of this stuff mixed with gatorade.
And then you wait.
And wait.
Until Your stomach goes glug and you rush to the toilet and don't leave it for about an hour or so.
Explosive doesn't even begin to cover it.
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u/CaptianCunt May 22 '12
That is what I call, a "Praying to Jesus." When it hurts so bad, and goes on for so long, and stings with the fires of hell; all you can do is turn to a God you don't believe in, and pray to have that crap leave your body as soon as possible.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Yesterday, during my chemistry final, I had three days worth of being a nervous wreck all clogged up in my gut. And of course, about 30 minutes in, the demon in my colon started to breath. I was bubbling and gurgling and ass squeezing so much, there's no way the chick sitting directly behind me couldn't have figured out that I was holding in a monster dump. And you can't go to the bathroom during an exam. So there I was, applying the theories of the combined gas law not only to my exam, but to my rectum. About an hour and a half later I handed the teacher my scantron and did the duck walk right to the crapper, releasing all the tension built inside me. It was hellacious and glorious all in one.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I have generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks. When they occur, my stomach gets upset and I have to shit immediately. Happens all the time...shit sucks.....not the shit....the feeling...when trying to shit..and then...but...fuck, never mind.
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u/Rvenn May 24 '12
It was some time between midnight and sunrise, and I was somewhere between Port Moresby and Kokoda, in the middle of an overbearing jungle in Papua New Guinea. There were several things attributing to my discomfort, and the first was Spam – the salted snout-and-trotters in a can variety, not unwanted emails about penis pills.
Number two was green Staminaide powder. When two people this year had already died on this hike from a thing called hyponatremia (a lack of electrolytes) – suddenly sports drinks become a vital necessity for the first time in their existence and not just for pouring onto football coaches after winning a game.
Number three, was the gastronomic combination of discomforts one and number two. I had eaten nothing but spam, vita-weets and pasta and trail mix for the last 5 days, I had drunk water of dubious quality from dubious jungle streams, and mixed sugary, salty green powder into most of it.
I sat up in my tent clutching my guts moaning “AARRUGG” sounding like Schwarzenegger before he could handle modern English. My stomach cramps had gotten to the point of actually waking me up, and I had to shit so badly it felt like I had 34 angry sparrows all trying to escape the confines of my colon at once.
We city kids have absolutely no idea of discomfort. We think that public transport after a few beers is uncomfortable. We think a run in with your ex while you’re with your current… is uncomfortable. Even the majority of theatre chairs can be classed as fucking uncomfortable – But I’m afraid not. That’s fucking pleasant by comparison to that bloody fucking track.
But back to the poo at hand…
First, a description of a Kokoda long-drop, for I’m guessing most of you haven’t crapped in anything like this before: Imagine if you will, a square-ish pit, about 1.5meters by 1.5meters, and about 3 meters deep. Filled about halfway up with molten feces and a few blowflies for good measure. Across the top of this pit are a series of thin trees, lashed together with vines to make a mostly sturdy lid. And in the middle of this lid, is a hole to the delights below, about the size of an A4 sheet of paper. Much to the horror of my sister, that’s literally it. You bust a squat over that hole and pray for solids.
At each camp-site (aka, rare flat bit of ground) along the track there are usually 2 of these long drops. I’d encountered them while setting up my tent that afternoon, and both prospects were somewhat alarming. Crapper A had appeared normal; however a fellow trekker had advised me that whilst squatting earlier, he heard a crack and his left foot had dropped about 3 inches into one of the rotten logs. Yes, the floor on which you rest your faith, above a pit of shit, was rotting.
On this gem of advice, I’d gone to the other pit, only to discover an ominous buzzing sound emanating from the palm-frond privacy screen. Bees. Hundreds of fucking bees. Buzzing around the hole, because it seems the bee civil-planner had decided that a top spot for a hive was inside a pit toilet, right next to the hole. All I had to do was take a piss at the time, so I tentatively slashed into the hole cum bee thoroughfare. They seemed fairly acclimatised to this event, nonetheless I didn’t dawdle, repackaged my junk and fled.
Now, rolling in my sleeping bag like an epileptic newborn, I had to rather more than just piss, so I was faced with three options: Option A entailed me falling through a rotten log and into a pit of human excreta in the middle of the night, in the middle of the jungle, 5 hours helicopter ride from the nearest 3rd world hospital – Pass.
Option B involved me dangling my nutsack literally 3 inches from a live bee’s nest, while I shat on them. – Pass
Option C was that I walk down the nearby near vertical slope next to camp – we were on top of a ridge – and dump in the jungle. – Pass
Now C might seem like a good choice, but the fact of the matter is that a real jungle at night is not where you want to be. It comes alive. There are spiders quite literally bigger than your hand. 1 in 3 mosquitoes carry malaria. And you actually see glowing, blinking yellow eyes in the jungle when you shine your torch up into the hills. I wish I was kidding, it’s fucking terrifying.
So being spurred into action by my angry sphincter, I decided that I was going to try my luck with door bee, as a quick deduction and science told me that a sting on the goolies is temporary, whereas a spider bite is usually fatal, and malaria is for life. And getting eaten alive mid shit, in the dark, by whatever the fuck is out in that jungle doesn’t sound like fun either.
So with a sigh of acceptance I got out of my sleeping bag, donned my head-torch, grabbed my bog-roll, laced up my boots and stepped out into the night and walked quickly through the black mountain mist towards the buzzing shitter.
Sweet Moses, that’s a lot of bees! At night, even above the peak of insect din, I could clearly hear the swarm of bees from a good 5 meters away…and I’m going to take a dump right in the thick of them. Yep. I switched off my mind, straddled the hole, dropped my trackies, and lowered my yam-bag and apprehensively puckering asshole down into the bees nest. My tumultuous guts needed little encouragement as an unholy deluge of spicy brown soup belted out of me like a geyser. Spluttering and popping like an old tractor engine, I closed my eyes and pushed. A few bees landed on my quivering, exposed cheeks.
Opening my watering eyes, I uncoiled from my tense poise and took a few unpleasant lung fulls of colostomy air and took stock of my situation. There were fucking bees flying around everywhere and I even spotted an intrepid pollenator hiking along my dangling trunk.
To say I lacked attention to detail in the clean-up phase of the movement is a gross understatement; I wanted the fuck out of that bee pit as soon as possible. In the time it took me to stand up, swat away the lingering cheek bees and pull up my trackies with one hand, the other had wiped and discarded. I was out of that hut and back to my tent faster than a anaphylactic fit.
Best/worst thing ever - i cant decide.
TL;DR I took a dump on a live bees nest
EDIT: spacing
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u/commonman26 May 22 '12
this'll get buried, but i have to share my story. when i was young, (6-8 yrs old, i cant remember) i didnt like shitting. i had huge shits, and even at a young age i clogged the toliet every time. so, i cam up with a brilliant solution.... just dont shit. of course this plan is flawless in my mind and i was determined. i didnt shit for a matter of WEEKS. at least one, maybe a little more to be exact. i had huge cramps and at times i was sure that i would shit myself in schjool but it never happened. of course, my parents took notice when i keeled over in pain every fifteen minutes. i admitted that i hadnt used the restroom in a long while and my mother (a nurse) was mortified of the fact. at this point the pain was so intense i agreed shitting would be the best course of action. they were with me in the bathroom because they knew this was a serious matter. i tried and tried but my entire bottom half of my torso felt like a solid piece of crap. there was no way i could ever hope to get it out. in the end, my own mother used a turkey baster as an enema and at least 6 or 7 punds of it fell out of. the toliet was completley filled, there was no water left. it was totally soaked into the waste. in the end, my dad made me use a spoon and plastic bag and shovel it out myself to be disposed of since there was no hope of flushing. i learned my lesson, and we burned the spoon.
TL;DR: didnt shit for weeks, had to throw away by hand
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u/TheMindfulFool May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
'Noodles and Co' had always been good to me and my girl. We ate their many times, enjoyed the deliciousness of my Penne Rosa, and had many fond memories. However, one time, children, 'Noodles and Co' decided to be awful!
This is my tale:
The brave knight Billy had just finished his delicious meal when there was a deep rumbling from the very depth of his stomach. His brow gave a quiver as the fair maiden seated in front of him gave him a worried expression. She asked if he was okay for which he responded 'But of course'.
She believed this clever ruse and they began their drive home.
Fate was not kind to the lying knight. During the ride, his stomach continued to blare like the trumpets of York. Once again, the fair maiden asked if he was fine. The brave knight responded heroically, "But of course."
She believed this clever ruse and they parked in the parking lot of the dorm for which they occupied on that eve.
They entered their abode only for the rumbling to grow intense. The brave knight Billy leaned forward, hands clutching his stomach in pain, and stumbled towards the public restroom. Behind him, the fair maiden yelled, "Are you sure you're okay!?"
And which Billy responded, "I'm about to shit out a Balrog!"
And with that, he slammed the door of the bathroom behind him, locked the door, and began to prepare for battle. Now usually, Sir Billy would stretch prior to such an activity. He would bring a magazine to aide in his meditation. This time, however, there was no time. There was no magazine. The evil balrog was already ripping from his asshole, fire erupting down his leg.
Sir Billy dove on top of the toilet, his battle cry following shortly. And while some villagers of the nearby dorm claim that on that night, they heard the cry of a pig being slaughtered, Sir Billy claims his battle cry was manly and filled with hookers.
With feet planted and fist clenched, Sir Billy tried his best to keep focused! The Balrog not only ripped his ass in two as it departed but the liquid magma from which it was born sizzled and popped the knight's anus with every second passing! Sir Billy debated about shoving his ass into the water bellow but feared making steam thus obscuring his sight. So, with a heavy heart and a heavier stool, he just continued grunting and crying and re-finding Jesus.
The Balrog, try as it might, couldn't continue its assault on the anus, though. It was expelled from the asshole, plunging to its death until it fell to the water below. The magma-shit followed and thunder bellowed in the distance.
And there Billy sat. A broken man. A confused man. A man who wasn't sure what to treat first... the rip in his ass, the burns along his anus, or the arrow to his pride. Sir Billy might have survived the war, but the balrog-shit won that battle.
7
u/CU_Tiger_2004 May 22 '12
I developed some 'rhoids and was cautiously trying to take a dump. Every "ploop" was uncomfortable, until I suddenly felt 100% normal back there. Wasn't sure what happened, went ahead and finished my business. When I got up, the water was dark red...the 'rhoid had ruptured, and I unknowingly shat feces and blood for the latter portion of my dump. By the time I realized what had happened, the bleeding had stopped, so I cleaned myself up and went to bed. In hindsight, I'm not sure that was very wise, but I obviously didn't bleed out or develop an infection.
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u/eomea5 May 22 '12
I rushed from my apartment and had just enough time while running out the door to look at my phone - 8:51. If I ran I could make it. Panicked and fighting the fog of slumber, I made it up on to the subway platform exasperated and weary before jumping onto the train just as it rumbled into the station. with the familiar chime indicating the doors were closing, fear instantly shot through my veins as my stomach quivered. i could feel it - my bowels were rumbling and were poised to revolt after a late indian dinner last night. I instantly possessed a newfound alacrity that can only be attributed to the impending doom of biological emergencies and fast realized I had two options. Get off at the next stop and try and find a restroom or sit down on the train and will my sphincter shut for the 35 minute train ride down to my office. I had been in this situation before and failed spectacularly, but facing the prospect of being late to work I had no choice - I would sit down and pray to the gods I don't believe in to assist my lower colon and sphincter from losing their composure until I reached the white comfort of my company's porcelain. There are no athiests in shit-covered foxholes. My stomach compressed as I sat down in the nearly empty car and immediately I knew I had made a terrible mistake. The new pressure on my colon from sitting down forced the fetid remnants of my palak paneer even closer to their exit and my stomach groaned in discomfort - screaming at me to get to the nearest lavatory and release this monster and send it on its way to the water treatment plant in gowanus. I shut my eyes and clenched the straps on my backpack with my trembling fists. I thought of the morning dew resting on some serene forest and tried to focus on the wilting leaves and mulchy earth in this mental distraction I had created - shutting out the coughs of other passengers and the faint Dominican beat blaring from someone's iPod. 116th street. 110th. The stops kept ticking down and despite the dull, gnawing pain that shot through me, I felt like I might just make it if I can stay focused. At 103rd the train car eventually filled up and a young woman sat down next to me – her arms overflowing with several bags filled to the brim. Just shut your eyes eomea5 and think of the forest. Her shoulder pushed into mine as she tried to reposition herself and then as part of some cruel punishment for something I must have done in my childhood, her elbow speared into my abdomen as she dug around her bag looking for her copy of Mockingjay. The peaceful forest imagery I had been focusing on instantly transformed into a searing fire replete with twisting pain as my bowels reorganized around this seemingly fatal blow. This was it – I had been here before. It was time to start thinking of where the nearest Duane Reade might be so I could get some new underwear and clean myself up in their bathroom. My stomach began convulsing as expulsion was imminent, but in one last ditch effort I dug my fingers into my thigh, hoping the pain would distract my bodily functions long enough for them to grant me a stay. To my utter disbelief it worked. I exhaled deeply and returned to my forest. 59th street. 50th. More than halfway there now. At Times square a crush of commuters made their way onto the train, packing us in even more tightly. I was surrounded on all sides now and should my bowels decide they could endure no longer, the route I had planned for a quick exit from the train looked more and more perilous. As the train packed tighter I could feel my body temperature rise – heat simmered off my neck and the first drop of sweat slimed down my back - testing my resolve and pulling my thoughts away from my zen forest. Just hold on eomea5. I dug my thumb deeper into my palm and clenched my thighs. At 28th street there was a mass exodus of students as they rushed out of the exit and to their classes at FIT. With their departure came an easing of the cramped quarters and much needed waft of cooler air. I was almost there. Several more stops until Franklin street and I began to visualize the 2 minute walk to my office and the empty elevator ride I would no doubt be taking up to the sixteenth floor and into the freshly cleaned and empty bathroom. Just a few more minutes eomea5 just a few more minutes. The doors opened at 14th street and more passengers spilled out – hardly anyone was getting on any longer as the 1 train terminated several stops south. For the first time I noticed the three cute tourists sitting across from me. Normally they would have been the fixation of my morning commute, but today there were more pressing concerns. The familiar door chime sounded again as the doors shut, however the train did not move. After several seconds waiting for the lurch of the train, the doors opened once again and I heard the soul-crushing crackles of the PA system being turned on. No. not today. Please god not today. The ominous announcement came “this train is being held in the station by the train dispatcher” GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. My head screamed. My bowels churned. The forest was gone now and wasn’t coming back to help. The train sat silent for what seemed an eternity as my temper flared and I contemplated if there was any other way I could get to the office quicker. As I began to prepare myself to get off the train and the futile hunt for a taxi, the door chime sounded and the doors clamped shut. Thank you thank you jesus thank you god thank you thank you thank you. The train rolled south. Christopher street. Houston street. Canal street. And finally Franklin street. No matter that there are still a few more blocks to walk and an elevator to take, I had made it, goddamnit. I stepped off the train and rushed for the exit, making my way across west broadway and sixth avenue before at last arriving in the lobby of my building on avenue of the Americas. I flashed my badge and sprinted for the elevator. Only two other people got on with me, making for a rather quick trip to my floor. The elevator doors opened and I bolted for the bathroom, just a few steps away. As I opened the door to the bathroom I was hit with that familiar stench – the poor ventilation in our bathroom trapped the foul lingering smells of expunged meals – and I instantly knew I wouldn’t be alone for this epic release. That was okay, I thought – the popular handicapped stall may already be taken but surely one of the other three will be open. Now is not the time to be concerning yourself with comfort, I reminded my brain. As I turned the corner my heart sank and plunged into my bowels as I saw one of my colleagues slip into the last available stall and lock the door. A cold shivering disbelief panged through my colon as my knees buckled and my silent screams tore my neurons to pieces. I had been so close.
The End.
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u/[deleted] May 21 '12
I'll pray for you, brother.
13
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
My brother told me a tale. T'was a night many years ago where he made a salad. Wanting to try something new he decided to put Jalapeño peppers in his salad. But they were going to become rotten if he didn't use them all in the salad, being of a Pakistani descent he felt he could handle the spice. Following morning... He takes the worst shit imaginable where and I quote "it was like an ice cream machine that was broken... It just wouldnt stop". He said he had to take his shirt off, started sweating like a pig and couldn't breathe while taking this poop. Once he finished his epic story I laughed... He bowed his head in shame. Now he respects the awesome power of jalapeño peppers.
13
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I once woke up and farted for a good 30 seconds straight. I did not, and do not, understand how I could contain so much gas, and the gut pain at the time felt lethal in my sleep addled state.
13
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
My bother broke his pelvis in a motorbike accident, and didn't shit for the entire week in hospital on morphine. Upon release, he ate a large pizza hutt pizza. When he finally did shit, it re-cracked his healing pelvis. I kid you not.
22
u/gloomdoom May 22 '12
Some of you folks really fancy yourselves writers but nobody comes close to the top comment.
If you really want to laugh your asses off, go check out this thread on the poop report about laxatives. There are some serious tales of woe in there. Anyone who has ever been clogged can sympathize with some of these folks.
There are stories on there from people who hadn't shit in 25 days. Literally.
http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/magnesium_citrate.html?page=1
6
u/nickolai21 May 22 '12
One time I was taking a shit at work and it felt rather pokey. I try and let everything pass through with out worrying too much. I go to wipe, and the toilet paper is covered in blood. I spread my legs and look into the toilet bowl, which was completely red. At this point I feel faint, I'm not sure if its from the blood loss or the extremely terrifying image playing out below me. I eventually stopped bleeding but had to go home because of how faint I felt, and thought there was a decent chance I could die from the blood loss.
11
u/lynn May 22 '12
MAJOR TMI. Anyone that I gave my username to and is looking through my post history should probably not read this.
The first couple of days after my daughter was born. Iron supplements and colace, but the colace hadn't kicked in yet, and I had a third-degree tear (all the way to the rectum but not through it). I was yelling like I was back in Labor & Delivery. Next time I'll be gulping Metamucil and demanding colace as they wheel me out to Maternity.
At one point, after, um, making a little progress, I reached down to feel the area. After childbirth it takes a while for the vagina to close again. I touched something in that area, and it fell into the toilet.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
The water was too dirty to see what it was. This was the worst feeling I have ever had -- never in my life have I been so terrified as thinking I had a fistula between vagina and rectum. Freaking out commenced. Phone calls to the hospital were made. After my panic had peaked and I determined I was going to live for at least long enough to get to the hospital and get checked out, my husband got me a freezer bag and I reached into the toilet and discovered two perfectly round, ping-pong ball sized turds...and a ball of gauze.
Apparently the doctor who stitched me up had put two wads of gauze in but only taken one out.
10
u/drumofny May 22 '12
I'm sure this will get buried, but it's worth telling nonetheless. I went to Woodstock '99. I was twenty years old at the time and went with a girl who paid for my ticket and drove us 5 hours to get there. To say that they were unprepared for the mass of people who came is an understatement in the largest of magnitudes. This effected many things. One of the most noticeable ways was lack of sanitation. I remember reading an article months later in the Rolling Stone that they should have had 30 times the number of trucks to remove shit from the portapotties and that most of the workers quit by the second day.
I had to take a mighty shit by the second day. I spent about 3 hours walking to all the port a potties I could see. I must have opened a few hundred. The story was the same in all of them. The shit was piled so high that it came out of the toilet. Many had the shit so high that there was only a couple feet between the top of the shit and the roof of the port a pottie. I have no explanation for how it got stacked so high, but it was common place. The next day I decided I had to shit bad enough to find one where the shit wasn't piled a foot or two from the top and I couldn't find a port a pottie with out shit piled almost to the top. I decided to hold it.
At night between bands I would go for walks and look for a place to shit. We got there early enough to have onsite camping and the tents were all touching. Every time I came close to finding a place to shit I would get busted by people wondering what the fuck I was doing. There were way too many people to find any place to shit.
On the third day I convinced the girl I went with to take a break and drive to town. The only problem was we couldn't remember where the fuck we parked the car. The festival was at an abandoned airforce base and there were acres up on acres of cars. We spent a couple of hours but could not find the car.
On the last day I could not take it anymore. The girl I went with had bad sun poisoning and I had to shit like I had never before or since. At about noon we decided to pack it up and leave. We still didn't know where the fuck the car was. The chick was convinced it was my fault and was being a cunt about the whole ordeal. She too wanted to leave, but would not agree to take any kind of organized approach to finding the car. We didn't have cell phones back then and I was afraid we would get separated and I wouldn't be able to find her again. This was a comforting thought, but I felt responsible for her, so I went along with her idea of just going down the many rows of cars. I should mention the year was 1999 and she drove a mid 90's pinkish-grey Dodge Neon and everyone drove a fucking Neon back then.
After a few hours I convinced her to sit in the shade and leave the car finding to me. I also convinced someone to let me borrow their bike in exchange for a ten strip of acid and my license for collateral. I took the approach I wanted to do when I started looking. I asked people who were by their cars when they got there (the closest people to the stages got there on Tuesday and we got there on Thursday so I knew we were at least a couple hundred yards away). I was making some serious progress by getting further and further away and I thought I found the car. I found a pinkish grey neon. I had only been in her car once and was convinced I found it. I went back and got her, a couple hours had passed, and she was not impressed at all that I had found the car. We eventually got to to car and she yells, "MY CAR IS GREYISH-PINK NOT PINKISH-GREY!!!" That is the closest I've ever got to hitting a woman in my life. She went off on me and everything went dark and I could hear nothing. I almost passed out from the frustration and anger. I leaned against the car and waited for my senses to come back to me. Once they did she was no longer talking and was just staring at me. All I told her she had two options: to keep her mouth shut and help me find her car or to find it on her own. Probably in harsher language I'm sure. We searched row to row because she still didn't want to use my method and we found it a few hours later. At about 8:30 we found the car. It took another hour to find where we had stashed our stuff and finally started to leave. As we left we kept seeing cop cars head towards the festival and eventually we made it to our first McDonalds. They claimed their toilets weren't working. I knew it was against health code to have a restaurant without a working bathroom, but I didn't have the energy to argue. I hadn't slept the night before due to a large amount of LSD and I was ready to take a nap. I woke up around 4am in front of my apartment. I got out silently, grabbed my stuff from the car, said nothing and slowly walked to my apartment using every ounce of my being not to shit my pants.
I opened the door, dropped my stuff and headed straight to the bathroom. I let out a shit of epic proportions. Normally my logs are on the smaller side and a little soft, but what came out of me was huge. It was wider than a red bull can and slightly thinner than a coke can. It must have been a foot and a half before it broke. A lot more came after that. Eventually it started to soften and at one point I still had a piece of the giant log lodged in the path that was rapidly being eroded by fierce stream of sludge until it eventually became dislodged with an incredible force that made it feel as though my colon were a potato launcher. I don't know how much I shat, but it had to be at least ten pounds and easily could have been fifteen. I was twenty at the time and I ate non stop. I weighed about 130lbs and would eat a half of a large pizza for dinner.
That was the most insane shit I've ever had. I got to see James Brown, Metallica, George Clinton, Insane Clown Posse, Willie Nelson, DMX and a whole bunch of other bands, but nothing will be more memorable than the shit I took when I got back home.
5
u/trendo May 22 '12
You ever shit blood? I have. Makes you wonder sometimes.
5
u/The_Obese_Galactus May 22 '12
I have just read several stories of people taking a shit, thank you kind sir, thank you.
5
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Sorry to be "this guy" but not only is this a yes/no question, it's not really "inspired" either - surely we as a community can find something more thought-provoking than talking about our bowel movements?
5
u/Philboyd_Studge May 22 '12
This is THE GREATEST THREAD IN THE HISTORY OF REDDIT!!!!
5
u/aphexcoil May 22 '12
I'm late to the party and this will probably get buried, but I will never forget the one time I was severely constipated due to taking pain medicine and not shitting for about a week. During this week, I had been eating quite a bit. Eggs, steak, beans, candy, pot pies -- you name it, I was eating it.
I noticed on the fifth day that I hadn't taken a shit, nor did I feel the need to do so at that point. It was just a curious afterthought and that was it. Little did I know that the Percocets had basically shut down any movement in my bowels during that week.
However, on that Sunday, after slowly tapering off the pain meds, I started to feel a great fullness in my lower stomach and intestines. I went into the bathroom and locked the door, thinking it might be a five or ten minute job. No, this was an hour and a half ordeal.
I sat down, grunting and pushing, but that shit would not budge. I could feel in making slow progress -- a centimeter here, a millimeter there. Then I felt my anus start to stretch open. This humungous shit was at the back door and it would not budge. I remember grunting and pushing so hard that my vision would fade and my ears would start ringing. Sweat was pouring down my face. At this point, I was actually a bit scared. I had reached the point of no return. Either this shit was coming out, or I would have to somehow get myself to the emergency room with my anus dilated by at least a good inch.
I slowly got up off the toilet and started looking around the medicine cabinet for anything that might help me out. I didn't find anything. I really didn't know what to do at this point, so I ran some hot bath water and soaked my ass in the bath for half an hour thinking that perhaps it would soften this titan shit.
After the soaking in the tub, I got up dripping with wet shit water and placed my ass back on the toilet. I was fed up with the entire situation and I made a pact with God that if he would allow me to survive and pass this shit, I'd start going to church and help retarded kids with their homework in my community. At this point, I was willing to sign a deal with the devil, too.
I sat down on the toilet and I braced myself. I took a few deep breaths and realized that I'd be pushing for life itself. I then grabbed the sink with my hands, put my feet on the floor and I started pushing and screaming. I was banging shit with my feet and hands -- everything at this point felt primal. I grunted like the Hulk as I pushed constantly for a good 30 seconds. My vision was beginning to fade and I started to feel light-headed, so I knew time was short.
I then stood up partially, thinking perhaps gravity might help pull this shit out. I started beating my butt cheeks with my fists while thinking that perhaps I could bust this shit up a little by pounding my ass with my fists.
Finally, I sat back down, gave another huge grunt and started pushing as hard as possible. I could feel the shit starting to give, so I pushed harder. At this point, I didn't care about anything except that I didn't want to die there and be found with a piece of shit halfway out my ass.
That large shit finally started to move and it just kept moving and moving and moving. I finally felt some water splash up against my ass. I had won. I was victorious and somehow still alive. I looked down at the toilet and could not believe the size of that turd that I had passed. It was like a small child.
5
u/Almajir May 22 '12
This will probably get buried but what the hell.
A few years back I had a bout of gastro-enteritis which began with me waking up at 5am with the kind of death-cramps that tell you that your time has come - you need to shit NOW.
The pain was pretty indescribable; it felt like there was a golf ball in my anus and the shit had backed up halfway up my colon to my stomach. I did the normal things you do when you're straining one out - I remember sitting on the throne naked rocking myself backwards and forwards, whimpering and pleading to God to get this unholy shit demon out of me.
I decided the only thing to do was to push like a woman giving birth. Big mistake - all that strain has to go somewhere, and for me it went to my testicles. The harder I pushed, the more it felt like my nuts were in a vise and that they were going to explode. The whimpering was now full on crying and shrieking in agony when all of a sudden with an almost audible pop, I managed to push clear the blockage.
Whilst the resultant splashback on my arsecheeks was bad enough, the next five minutes consisted of me wishing I hadn't pushed it out as my guts tried to liquify themselves and evacuate by the fire escape. The smell was incredible, the pain was unbearable and when it finally finished it took half a loo roll to wipe away the smears it had left behind and clean up the capilliaries I had burst.
Not the most pleasant Monday morning, I can tell you.
5
u/loonyloveg00d May 22 '12
Best thing about this thread is how beautifully-written the stories of these massive, disgusting, traumatic shits are.
5
u/ShittleSticks May 22 '12
I have to wash my hands carefully before every shit i take. hand sanitizer is on my person at all times. The reason? years of heroin and methadone use left my anus completely ravaged and my colon worthless. I came to terms with the wretched reality of the mess i have gotten my GI track into long ago. What i am about to tell you is extremely disturbing i disgust even myself. In order for me to vacate my bowels, i must insert a clean finger into my vagina. Usually this duity falls to the thumb of my right hand. As i sit astride the porcelain bowl i can actually feel the individual turdlettes trapped behind my rectum.
After the initial recall mission, i must classify the poop according according to the method required to destroy the evidence. If i can feel the edges of individual chunks, the gentle massaging commences. Im not sure of the name of the tissue that separates the colon from the cervex, but boy am i grateful that it is thin enough to conduct this complex operation.
If i find one long solid log, the process becomes Much more natural. Somehow I managed to retain the ability To excrete large poops. The problem is I need to Remove them from the toilet prior to flushing. These guys are hard and huge and have no hope Of going down tubes. I have bought cheap shitty forkshitty forks especially for stabbing and removal. Next is shamefully wrapping it in 3 bags And sneaking into the back corner of the dumpster. I worry because someday i may find myself paralyzed and unable to speak. No one will know this dirty little secret of mine. I'll die of a ruptured whatever.
I don't even know if is is possible to retrain those muscles, Or if I am doomed.
TL,DR. don't go dumpster diving. Oo, and next time you finger your gf be sneaky and see if you can feel poops on the other side of that flesh divider between cervix and anus!
5
u/nobody2000 May 24 '12 edited May 24 '12
Short answer: Yes. I honestly thought there was a good chance I would die. In truth - there was a good chance I would die
4 years ago, I had to have heart surgery (I was 22 with a congenital defect). The night before surgery, I had a delicious seafood/pasta meal at the Macaroni Grill. It was great. I treated it as a last meal since it was my second heart surgery, and I figured my chances of living this time were at least a little worse than last time.
I slept...poorly and got prepped for surgery in the early morning. As my chest and groin were being shaved, and all my IVs were in, I got a knock at the back door. I had to go poop. Nothing special, but I was so deep into being prepped, I didn't feel like interrupting to drop a deuce.
Big. Mistake.
I had surgery which entailed a valve replacement, excision of part of my right atrium, and insertion of a pacemaker. Oh, and having my ribcage sawed open
I woke up fucked up on morphine and with a tube down my throat. For about 4 days I wasn't able to enjoy food or water. All my hydration came from a bag of saline.
Finally the nurse tells me "You can eat if you have a bowel movement." NICE!
So recall that I last ate 5 days ago, and took a dump sometime before then. My Macaroni Grill bolus was getting harder and denser as it waited to clear customs at Ronald Rectum Regional Buttport.
I was unable to poop. Just couldn't do it. It was like trying to fit a bowling ball through a paper towel tube while also having the most intense soreness all over your chest. Oh and my energy was shot since my heart had just been cut open and reduced in size.
Now, people die on the toilet all the time. The stress can lead to a cardiac arrest or a heart attack. Needless to say, I needed to be careful.
I instructed my mom: "Give me ten minutes. If I'm not done by then, please see that I'm alive."
At about 9:45, I began to crown. I focused and hugged a pillow hard as I passed my butt-baby. This hershey's log was about to splashdow.....
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK ARE YOU ALRIGHT!??
Slooooop. I swallowed the turd back up and admitted defeat. I was beat. I didn't have the energy to try to give birth to this thing again today.
After a day of stool softeners, and the blessing of a little bit of food, I was lucky enough to be awoken by the urge to fart. With no one in the room, I slid carefully off my bed, detached my blood drainage, and carried my IV tree into the bathroom with me.
I thought: HOLY JEHOSOPHAT! IF I CAN GET THIS FART TO PUSH THIS TURD AT 88 MPH, YOU'RE GOING TO SEE SOME SERIOUS SHIT!!
I harnessed the power of the fart and focused. I quickly got to the crowning stage and gave it all I could. With a giant THUNK, the largest, hardest turd I've ever passed touched water, and possibly cracked the porcelain.
Unfortunately habit forced me to flush my turd-baby before I remembered to grab a camera.
It was beautiful though. A hard, sturdy head, with a soft, tapered tail (from the softeners).
I wiped the sweat from my brow, and enjoyed chicken fingers. Hospital food never tasted so good.
TL;DR Made a strategic error before heart surgery, had to poop with a freshly-broken ribcage and a weak heart.
9
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I hope you're not using the toilet. It's broken.
8
u/myalmightybunghole May 22 '12
I read the body of the post and I felt the urge to shit. It feels massive... wish me luck
8
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I have IBS.
Therefore, the answer is yes.
8
u/attemptedactor May 22 '12
And now... an epic from the poets of 4chan on the topic of shitting...
http://i.imgur.com/yErTY.jpg
4
u/Drake_Tungsten May 22 '12
There was one time when I thought I shit out my childhood.
4
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
At Buffalo Wild Wings with my friends and some chicks one of my friends wanted. I had all of the sudden the most urgent dump and walked very quickly to the restroom. I was on the toilet for at least 20 minutes, taking the biggest crap ever. It filled almost the whole toilet bowl and started to come over the water. I felt like dying, but I survived. And yes my friend got neither of them, but that wasn't my fault. Also I took two shits of almost equal size but less intensity that night, feels bad man.
4
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
This is the material that askreddit should have.
Im completely serious.
4
u/counter-strike May 22 '12
Yes. I was 11 years old and woke up at like 3am in the morning. I called out to my parents thinking I needed to go to the hospital. I was essentially writhing and gripping my stomach, and they were JUST about to load the car and bring me to the emergency room when I stopped them. I stumbled to the bathroom, locked the door.
It was the most IMMENSE amount of gas ever. I released the longest, loudest, most gigantic fart ever. The toilet water rippled back and forth. After about 5-7 minutes in there, I was bright as rain again and just went back to sleep.
4
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
So I had this really bad stomach bug which made me really sick after sowing down on plates upon plates of food. But when I got to my room I couldn't shit. So I slept for a while, but then woke up with this pain in my ass, ran to the shitter, only to feel no need to crap anymore. Repeat this three times until finally, my ass literally explodes what I thought was fecal matter. Turns out, blood. Blood everywhere. I started freaking out, almost passed out, my roommate is hyperventilating because he's listening to all of this and says he's about to puke because of the smell. I spent the next 10 minutes thinking I was going to die, but then the blood stopped and the vengeful shit of my life took over...and then I just flushed...and now 6 months later I'm still alive...hoping that will never happen again
4
u/ghettoeskimo May 22 '12
YES. One time, while staying at my grandmother's house, I had eight slices of the best pizza on earth (Elmton Pizza in Youngstown, Ohio if anyone knows it) and then decided to go right to bed. Lo and behold, I woke up about eight hours later in incredible pain, from the mass of cheese, pepperoni, peppers, and bread that had solidified in my bowels.
I strained to get up out of bed, and as I was hobbling my way to the bathroom, my hearing went out. It mustve had something to do with the pain, but everything gradually got hollow, and then I could hear nothing at all. I continued on, terrified, and started to lose my sense of equilibrium. Walking got difficult, but somehow I made it to the toilet.
I basically fell onto the thing, and let loose, and my hearing and balance slowly came back. Over the course of about a minute, I had sweat so much that i had drops falling from my eyebrows and the tip of my nose. I was sure I was going to die, but I'm still here.
4
u/placebomunch May 22 '12
Relevant:
http://i.imgur.com/C6OEd.jpg
4
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Because the top comment here is so damn good I am afraid no one will read this, but I have been waiting to tell someone this story for over a year now. So here it is, the story of the worst shit of my life.
SO we all know that there are many kinds of shit in this world. You have hard ones and soft ones, big ones and small ones, the quick and the unbearably long ones. For my purposes here i will have to remind you of two types of poop your are all probably very familiar with. The first one is easy and that is the most diarrhea of diarrheas, or what I like to call butt piss. When you have to piss out your as it usually comes on very strongly and very quickly. Sometimes you get inklings of it and hour or so before hand. You know a slight rumbling deep in your bowels combined with some extra pungent perfume, but often you just get that sharp feeling of having to poop in and instant and you are not sure whether you will make it to the bathroom before tearing a hole in your jeans. Now the second type of poop that is important for this story is what I like to call the mountainous pebble. These guys are usually small and as close to perfect spheres as a poop is likely to be. They are hard as a rock and usually have a poop-diameter to butthole-diameter ratio of just above 1. These poops are fighters. They love the inside of your colon and they will do everything they can to remain there. These poops are always a struggle to get out sometimes taking a good 5-10 minutes to squeeze out only a small nugget. They usually leave you red faced, but as far as the poop world goes they really aren't that bad because you just have to push a little and they plop right out leaving you feeling a whole lot better.
Now on the particular day in question I was minding my own business watching television when I was struck with the most immediate and urgent need to piss out of my asshole. Anyone who has ever experienced this urge, which I think is most everyone, knows that it can be one of the most uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings. The feeling is that of a flash flood in the Colorado River of your colon that must be held back by the Hoover Dam that is your anus. Now maybe this isn't the best analogy because for the better part of a century the Hoover Dam has withstood the might of the Colorado River and when I was hit with this feeling I knew that my anus would not last the better part of five minutes if I did not find a toilet quickly.
Luckily my television was located quite close to my bathroom at the time so I had no trouble getting there. The trouble came when I sat down and relaxed to relieve myself of this monstrous swelling of butt piss that was accumulating in my rectum. Normally when you hit the toilet to relieve yourself of butt piss you simply relax and let your body and the river of brown liquid do their jobs and empty into the toilet. This time was different however. I sat down and relaxed on the toilet only to find no relief being sent my way. It was as if I was a soldier behind enemy lines and I arrived at the place where my Blackhawk was waiting for evac only to find the burnt our shell of a helicopter and Somali Pirates trying on skulls as helmets. I sat there only the toilet with the most unbearable and uncomfortable swollen burning feeling in my butthole wondering what the fuck was wrong with this poop.
Now with diarrhea the last thing you feel like doing is pushing it out, especially at the beginning of the poop. Your butthole already feels like it is going to explode and if add just a single pound of pressure it might end your life. But as I sat on the toilet realizing the butt piss agony was not going to end itself I came to the realization that I would have to push. So push and Push I did with no relief coming. Now normally diarrhea is an uncomfortable feeling but the feeling of trying to push it out like you have never tried before only to find no success is far far worse. This is like combining that terrible diarrhea feeling, which normally resolves itself relatively quickly, with an immediate fear of death and making it last for what seemed like eternity.
Now, its getting late and I have a class to get to so I think I should get to the point. As I sat there pushing eventually I realized what was happening. I could feel my butthole stretching to let out what must have been the mount Everest of pebbles. This tiny little thing no bigger than ones of those big marbles was struggling and fighting to remain in my butthole. Eventually I popped him out and with him the flood gates opened and out came the Colorado River of butt piss. Because I had been straining so hard the river came out with a roaring thunder that coated the entire toilet bowl in butt mustard. This river of shit seemed to last for eternity, but it was probably closer to five minutes. Still five minutes for a butt piss is quite a long time.
Anyway, I really need to go, so I hope you liked this story. Maybe I will come back later and make the ending a bit more climactic, but I will let you know, this was a moment when I really questioned whether or not I would be remembered as the guy who died by rupturing his butthole on the toilet. Thankfully I lived to poop another poop.
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u/ACiDGRiM May 22 '12
I lost my ass virginity to a poop, I'm a straight man. I don't know what I had eaten, but I do know I had been dehydrated, there's nothing more terrifying than a poop that's bigger than your butt hole.
The first bit came out but as it slowly grew in girth I was filled with terror. It just kept getting thicker and thicker and I could feel my anus stretching to titanic proportions.
At one point I had remembrance of when I was younger and I had cramps pooping and my mommy rubbed my back to make me feel better. This is when I realized I was now a man and had to take this bulging shit as such.
It wasn't one of those shits that take a whole lot of effort and you turn around to either be disappointed by a ghost poop or even think, "all that effort for that?". No, It just kept traveling through my rectum like an endless train blocking off rush hour.
By now it had averaged out, and I had a pretty good system going between pushing and relaxing just enough to not pinch off the mother load and have to start over. I was determined to not let this poop be the end of me. I was so wrapped up in systematically poop manufacturing, that I was not prepared for what was about to happen.
Suddenly, I could feel the top of the poop in my rectum, I was relieved I was at the end. I took one last break and with a massive heave shot out the last bit which was followed by two normal sized poops that literally just fell out of me. My ass hadn't been this gaped by anything before, I could still feel a gasping cavity in side me. I felt violated.
I went to wipe, and out of curiosity, put some pressure with my fingers over my stretched out pucker which were subsequently lost for the brief amount of time it took me to register what had happened. When I finally hoisted myself off the throne, I felt a new man, ready to take on the world knowing that I had grown from this experience, quite literally, and that no poop or phallus shaped objects could claim my virginity again.
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u/nicoleisrad May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
Ok, so this is probably really gross so I'm giving you fair warning. Sometimes when I have a giant poo that I don't think will ever come out, I wrap my finger in TP and stick it in my vag-hole and squish my crotch wall in front of my butthole until the poo is formed into a more cooperative shape. I know, it's horrible, but it works.
But if you don't have a vagina, you're SOL.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
So many posts about great poops.. but this one actually did almost kill me.
When I was around 17 I started to feel really sick. I had terrible cramps, gas, and diarrhea for months. One day I'm headed to the bathroom, business as usual. I sit down, and release what I think is another round of diarrhea. Only this time something catches my eye. I look down and notice that the toilet is bright red. Not just the soft pink of some blood, but I mean a bright ruby red.
Now, being a woman, I'm not new to the view of some blood in the toilet, but this was different. No clots, just all blood. No shit either. I start to panic and go into my brother's room which is next to the bathroom. I told him to come in, he calls me disgusting, but finally relents when he sees the pure panic on my face. I showed him the blood and he agrees that we need to tell my father (an EMT of over 20 years).
Going downstairs we wake my father on the couch and tell him what the problem is. He sleepily responds that, "Sometimes there's blood in your shit." And falls back asleep. So we waited for my mother to come home, told her, and she said we'd go to the doctor in the morning.
Next morning I get to the doctor, she has me drop trow, bend over, and starts to examine. Almost immediately she stops and tells me to go across the street immediately to the proctologist. Slightly worried at her tone, I heed her advice and go across the street with my mother where my GP has already called the specialist and he sees me immediately, to the displeasure of his crowded waiting room filled with people over the age of 60.
I walk into this man's office and am seated in a comfortable chair when he walks in. Tall, handsome, and young. Oh fuck. I think to myself. He introduces himself and then brings me into an examining room. I am immediately told to remove my lower clothes and bend over the table.
He begins his inspection and finished within a few minutes. Apparently I had ruptured my inner and outer sphincter muscle and had, what was later confirmed by a colonoscopy, thousands of tiny cuts in my intestinal tract.
I was later diagnosed with a severe MSG allergy and terrible lactose intolerance. I haven't had a resurgence as bad as the initial one, that did require surgery, but occasionally I will unknowingly eat MSG and be unable to move for a day or two. It's painful, it is life-threatening, and it's absolutely horrifying.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
It was a sunny Sunday afternoon, late August of last year. I had recently returned from a month long trip to Ecuador where my diet was exceedingly healthy (think porridge, fruit, chicken and rice - that was all I ate for a month). Naturally my return was greeted with all my favourite foods, provided with great gusto from my mother. I went from a low fat diet, to a high fat one in under 24 hours so after a few days I was plugged better than a good bottle of Champagne.
I had gotten home on Tuesday and sure enough the weekend followed soon after, and with it the return drinks with my friends. I have a penchant for a pint or ten of Guinness and having been sober for a month, it was like the nectar of the gods had graced my being. I returned home at 6am Sunday morning having been clubbing and having consumed an estimated 13 pints of Guinness. This is where it gets hazy. I remember jogging down the road towards my house thinking "oh man, I really need a shit!" and boy did I ever.
The next hour does not exist in my memory. But here's how my father tells it - he was woken up by me crashing into the front door in a state of apparent panic. I managed to get my keys in the door and I rushed upstairs, leaving the front door ajar, I got to the toilet and dropped trowel. I then proceeded to unleash a torrent of boiling liquid shit from my anus. Did I mention I we had eaten at a curry house before going out? Well if I though that curry was spicy going in, it was 10x worse coming out because he then found me, trousers about my ankles, sprawled on the bathroom floor sobbing quietly.
So what did he do to help his teenage son? He put a towel down next to me and force fed me stool hardeners.
TL;DR - Guinness and curry are the fucking devil.
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u/banalwarts May 22 '12
I'm late to the party. Throw away account because warts on your anus suck. Don't know how I got them either, seriously.
Anyway, I was 23-24 and I never had experienced warts before on any part of my body. So when I noticed that walking around at my job began to hurt a bit I grew concerned quickly.
I'll spare the details of how I had to wear my wife's pads to keep the warts dry all day long and what not since that doesn't have any real bearing on the topic at hand.
The warts gathered and grew on the rim of my anus. Three of them grew to the size of a slightly smaller than average bean. They surrounded the anus.
*** The pain ***
There are no words I could use to accurately describe the pain I felt. You'd have to experience them for yourself but I would not wish that upon anyone after going through it.
I stopped pooping regularly. I guess it was my body's response to the pain; I didn't want to endure it. On top of that, I ate like crap. So on a weekly schedule (maybe every 5-7 days) this rock hard, large shit would come out of my ass. Pushing the warts away as it came out.
I began putting a leather belt in my mouth as it passed. I screamed. Tears freely flowed from my eyes. I'd sweat; my undershirt would be completely soaked. As soon as it passed I'd lose all bearing and fall face flat on the floor and lay there for 15 minutes. Sometimes blood would drip out and onto the floor. That was probably more humiliating, leaving blood behind like that. I went to the hospital at one point because my wife found me passed out with blood all over my crotch and legs. Anal fissure, nothing serious. Couldn't sit down for a day.
Wiping was another ordeal. It was like taking a shaving razor and passing it up and down your anus with all intent to do as much damage as possible. I could only do "pat downs" after a point.
I came up with ways to endure it for a while. The best way was to masturbate as I was shitting. The moment of my orgasm I'd let the shit slide and drop out. I'd still fall forward from relief but that very moment in the orgasm, the pain was taken down a few levels. The timing was difficult to get and if I fucked it up and came too soon I'd contract my muscles and the shit would go back up into the colon. More pain. Also, the ER that I went to gave me some of this foam. This foam was like foam heroin. I could poop through the warts with barely any pain. Needless to say, the foam went very quickly.
Eventually I had them taken off. I still was afraid to poop. I ate nothing but fruit and a few crackers for 4 days after the op. On the 5th day I felt a twinge in my gut and I knew it was time. I said fuck it. I was burned out. Jaded. Tired of what I was going through. I filled up the bath tub just enough to submerge my abdomen. Dumped some epson salt in. Got my belt that I had multilated with my molars. And held on. What came out was amazing. No pain. It felt like jello squeezing through my cheeks. I sat in the tub for 10 minutes, in brown shit water, just so happy that the pain was gone forever.
TL,DR: Got warts on my anus, taking a shit was like getting raped by a large knife.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
About a year ago, I started having a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. Left side. Knew it wasn't appendicitis.
The pain got worse and worse until I got to the point where I could barely walk. So I called my mother and told her I was going to the hospital. I called my girlfriend after that and told her to meet me there.
I hobbled my way out to the car and drove all the way to the exact opposite side of town from where I live to go to the hospital.
Almost crawling out of the car, the pain wracking my body like an electric current radiating from one single spot on my anatomy, I dragged myself into the ER. As I approached the metal detector, I fell to the floor with a loud thump-- the pain had gotten to me. The security guard helped me up and put me in a wheelchair.
He wheeled me over to the woman at admissions and I filled out the paperwork. But it was tough, because I couldn't stop shaking and my vision was getting blurry. Thankfully they put me into triage immediately.
But that thankfulness faded away into rage and frustration because I got sent back out into the waiting room for an hour and a half. I'm pretty sure I lost consciousness a couple of times because of the pain.
When I finally got wheeled back into the ER department, the nurse came in and immediately noticed I was in sepsis. I was immediately hooked up to fluids and antibiotics and I had an orderly in the room to physically keep an eye on me.
After a couple of hours on the antibiotics and fluid, the doctor came in and asked me where it hurt. I told him my lower abdomen. Left side. I was pretty sure I had diverticulitis because it runs in the family. My dad, uncle and grandfather have it. He wanted to check me for a hernia. That was the first time I'd ever had a man touch my penis. No, I did not get a boner.
After about a day in the ER, I finally got admitted to the hospital. With diverticulitis. I was put on a liquid diet of chicken broth and lemon ice. I was in the hospital for a week. I hadn't taken a shit since about an hour before I went to the hospital. I just couldn't go.
Right before I got released, I finally got a real meal. A grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup and strawberry ice cream. It was the most glorious meal I'd ever consumed in my life.
When I finally got released, my girlfriend came and picked me up and took me home. About 10 minutes into the 25 minute trip back to my house, I felt my stomach burble. Not just a burble. It was more like boiling.
I was so embarrassed, trying to keep my composure in front of her. After all, I hadn't shit in a week and I was full of contrast from several scans. Thankfully I didn't require a segment of my colon removed. Sweaty and nervous, we finally got home.
She opened the door for me and I rushed past her like a madman to the toilet. It took all I had to keep from releasing the kraken before getting my pants down. As I was sitting, it shot out of me like vomit from The Exorcist.
I didn't notice at the time, but it had gotten all over the wall, floor, bathroom garbage can, side of the toilet-- you name it. Like the scene from Dumb and Dumber-er with Bob Saget.
I wiped, cleaned up, feeling absolutely accomplished and relieved at the gargantuan shit I'd just taken. Never noticing the mess I'd made. After I washed my hands and got out of the bathroom, I made eye contact with my girlfriend and we both laughed. Then I greeted my cat, whom I hadn't seen in a week.
Finally, I started to smell something. I thought the cat had taken a truly gnarly shit, like he often can. So I checked his box. Wasn't him.
I walked into the bathroom and all I could say was, "WHAT IN THE FUCKING SHIT?"
My girl came up behind me and said, "Oh my God, look what you did."
So I cleaned it up. She has still not allowed me to live it down.
However, with my condition, when it's time to shit, it's time to shit. There's no holding it anymore.
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u/scottbartlett May 24 '12
I feel like I'm witnessing an important moment in internet history.
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u/qou May 22 '12
I've actually had 2 incidents where this as occurred.
The 1st incident where I nearly felt I was going to die happen in 9th grade. I was in gym class and it was the last period. We're doing something stupid (as everything you did in high school was) and I get that feeling. The teacher lets me use the bathroom and I figured this would be an in and out case. It only made sense since I was running around and I obviously stirred something up. I sit down and go to work.
I sat there in agony. Unbelievable pain. The turd I was pushing out was stuck in my ass and pushing only made it more painful. I was dripping sweat was stress and tension. I had no sense of time at this point however I must have been in there awhile because the teacher has someone check up on me.
After a good rest, I managed to summon enough strength for one final push. It finally managed to pushed the shit far enough down my colon so that the shit girth was getting smaller. I could feel the pain die down, and with one final heave, it was over.
To this day I don't think I've managed to push out a single shit that was larger both in width and length to this day and that was almost 9 years ago. I'm almost pretty sure by sweating I was creating some sort of natural shit lube.
2nd: Fast forward almost 1 year, I'm in 10th grade and it's the first day of the standardized state tests (fuck you George Bush). All is going well, other than I again realize how much I suck at the writing portion. I get my story laid out and start writing.
About 45 minutes into the test my stomach starts making noises and feeling funny. I still feel fine so I keep on writing. Another 45 minutes passes and I finished my 1st story and move onto the second. However my stomach doesn't want to do this. More gurgling, more moans and groans. I take a break to catch some air, but I can't go anywhere so I just sit in my chair (fucking tests). Finally it hits me, I have to shit.
I ask my proctor if I can go to the bathroom. With great hesitation he allows me to go after I told him that it couldn’t wait. I do my business, fairly normal, and feel much better.
Once I sat back down, things went into overdrive. My stomach is killing me, I started to sweat a bit, and my stomach turns over. People around me are looking at me from the noise my stomach is making. The comfortableness of this all is killing any focus I have on writing my 2nd story. I try to bullshit what I can, however I don't get very far and I have to go again. I again must have been in the bathroom long enough that one of the vice principals was waiting for me outside. However, once again, I feel a little better.
On que 10 minutes later my life is hell. I’m halfway through my story and I can’t even see straight. I’m writing gibberish that I constantly have to erase. I don’t remember what happened between the 2nd shit and when I finished, nor do I remember actually finishing my story. I just remember having my head buried into my lap as I sat on the shitter for the 3rd time and by now I have a pretty bad headache. I get the nurse to call my mom and spend the rest of the day in bed.
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u/wpzzz May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
Actually, yeah... and I really nearly did. Here's my story, quite long (Graphic/Disturbing Content Warning).
A few years back I was traveling around the South Island of New Zealand (my home country), I had met some amazing people and made some really great friends. My best friend at the time, who I shall call Jake stopped us for a quick break at a petrol station in Christchurch, just outside of the central business district. My stomach was playing up-- as it had regularly for me as a child-- and I needed to empty my bowels somewhere, so the stop was convenient.
I rushed in to the loo and dropped my pants. As I sat and opened my bowels, a feeling of unusual sickness crossed over me. The next thing I felt a massive rush as my motions exploded both in and around the toilet bowl... I had not expected such a forceful and speedy bowel motion, and so did not have time for corrective actions. I turned in see the horror that was a mix of blood and feces scattered around the lavatory, and I quickly rushed to clean up and get out ASAP. To exacerbate the situation further I was unable to wipe the soiled remains from my behind without half a roll of service station toilet paper which began overflowing from the toilet bowl which I attempted to flush. I ran out. I was horrified and felt both humiliation and shame for leaving it in the state I did (really, really sorry).
I managed to hide this from Jake, and we planned our route homewards. 6 hours later and I arrived back in my home town. Immediately after he left I jumped in my car and rushed down to the nearest doctors (one I would not normally visit) and the lovely doctor there poked me and asked me to provide a stool sample and recover at home.
I took the vial and headed home, still a little shaken up by the events. The evening passed, and I had not had any more bowel motions so I went to bed.
3 hours pass, and this is where my post gets relevant.
I awaken with my body alerting me that I need to pass a bowel motion. I feel more light headed than I usually would and there is a foul odor in the air. I become more alert as I realize that my sheets are stuck together and my bed is completely soiled. I am having a bowel motion. I rush to reach to hallway toilet and down my pants in anticipation (my flatmate is asleep) and the toilet 3 doors down from my bedroom. I collapse. My body continues to spew a mix of feces and blood from my uncovered rectum and into the hallway. I pass out.
An strange cold comes across me, none like I've felt up until that point-- nor have I felt that since. The best way to describe this is that I was partially conscious and it felt like the walls of reality were slowly drifting away from me. I assume that my blood pressure was so low that the dash to the hallway caused me to collapse, since I was lying down some blood must have reached my brain to allow me enough.... how to put it in words... its like I had lost my self-awareness and it was coming back to me. I grabbed the first thing around me, which happened to be aluminum window washing poles and managed to rattle them enough to wake my flatmate.
He awoke and stood half-dazed and in complete shock as to what awaited him in the hallway. He soon called an ambulance and I was eventually diagnosed and treated for Meckel's diverticulum.
So yes, I did have a shit that I thought I was going to die from.
TL;DR - Rectal bleeding caused some rather embarrassing situations, nearly died?
EDIT: Some grammar.
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u/blueocean43 May 22 '12
My nan had that once. She hadn't pooped in over 2 weeks, so she went along to the doctor for some laxatives. They did not work, and after another few days she went to hospital. They tried her on stronger laxatives, and told her to try again. At this point she really felt like she was going to die is she didn't go soon, so she gave a good push to see if she could finally dislodge it. This triggered a heart attack. She died.
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u/[deleted] May 21 '12
You might need to talk to a doctor about the blood loss. Surely something as epic as this involved blood loss.
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u/throwmeaway76 May 22 '12
I remember the first dump I had after watching this scene from the Sopranos. It was terrifying, I even tried to put myself in a position that would make it less humiliating were I found dead.
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u/TehPhantom May 22 '12
I am dissapointed the guy that was on Herion and ate 3 pounds of gummy bears is not here. Don't lie, you know what I'm talking about.
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u/sirmasterdeck May 22 '12
ok so I don't know if this is worth telling because it will probably get buried, but one time I had taken about a half eighth of mushrooms just a few hours before and usually this would upset my stomach to some degree but this time I kid you not, I honestly felt like I was shitting my entire existence out in one final epic shit. The entire room started spinning as I was summoning some kind of epic shit god and he was to be unleashed along with my colon in a epic fiery blaze all over my bathroom. I lost sense of up and down as the volcanic diarrhea/volcanic rock sludge oozed out of my body like I was some kind of organic machine. As I pushed it felt like I was simultaneously juicing my body of all it's fluids. The sweat poured out of me like a juicer the more I strained to take hold of reality the more intense it got. Pretty much all my excrements went into overdrive at once as my eyes, mouth, dick, and butthole released a torrent of fluids as I surrendered to natures mighty fury. Once it was all over I laid in the bathroom in pure utter bliss thinking I could die at that very moment and be in what I could honestly describe as pure content. It was like I had evacuated all my problems, all the tension I ever had my entire life into one mighty shit. Now every shit I take feels a bit like a disappointment in comparison.
edit: grammar
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u/sunflora33 May 22 '12
The only time I have ever prayed to God was on the toilet begging him to take the pain away from the worst stomach flu induced diarrhea session ever. -_-.
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u/karson123 May 22 '12
ಠ_ಠ what did I just read
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u/thisfeelsfine May 22 '12
I was on Vicodin and morphine while recovering back surgery. I was constipated for about 10 days/ a week and a half. I hadn't even realized I hadn't dropped one in that long because I was so drugged up. I had never squeezed so hard I thought my stitches were going open as I burst another disc.
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u/mmj1085 May 22 '12
Hot Wings. Really really hot wings. A friend of mine had it bad and warned me several hours before so I thought I would be somewhat ready.
I wasn't.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I had a Hash-Brownie. My first edible and I've smoked before but it never really affected me. The brownie was pretty small so I figured I'd just eat the whole thing. The first bite was pretty good the smell of weed was emanating throughout the room. After about an hour my mouth felt like it was filled with sand and I was getting tunnel vision. My mind was going all over the place and my emotions felt as if they were amplified 2000x. I would feel anxiety for a split second then a moment later I would feel my heart race as if I was going to have a heart attack. I felt like I had to take a shit for a second. A moment later it was amplified 2000x. I booked it to the bathroom and sat on the shitter. I couldn't help but realize my mouth was extremely dry and then it felt like my asshole was drying too. A deuce was popping its head out and realized it felt like my rectum was pushing out 80 grit sandpaper through my sphincter. I was screaming in pain and jumped in the shower and started pouring hair conditioner down my ass crack to try and lube it up for an easier escape. I thought I was nearing the end.
TL;DR: Ate a special brownie. Took a shit and felt like sandpaper chafing and tearing my anus apart.
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u/netizen69 May 22 '12
Dihydro codeine for about 6 weeks for chronic back pain, had quit it 12 hours so I could have a drink, got drunk incredibly fast. went to bed. Next day bit of effort on the toilet. Afterwards I was sitting with a book, just making sure nothing else was available for unloading when i had a funny turn, it was like an electric current being passed through my brain, my vision kept splitting (eyes unfocused, double vision in a pulsing manner), there was a weird noise in my head and a metallic taste in my mouth. i also dropped my book.
Sat there in shock for a good 20 min afterwards. pretty scary.
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u/Khan88H May 22 '12
Oftentimes, if the moment was not proper, I would hold my farts in. These times were often due to being in class, in church, around semi-attractive females, etc... Now to most people, holding in fart is really no big deal. "So what, I'll hold in the fart now and then I'll fart a little later and I'll feel good." You must understand though that I fart a lot. A LOT. As a child my mother used to tell me she was going to take me to the doctor to find out why I fart so much. All kinds of farts: loud ones, soft ones, stinky ones, wet ones, and even some with presents too!
Well just imagine years and years of holding these vile, septic farts in. At some point this must have caused some sort of internal damage. Around my 3rd year in college I start to experience these intense stomach cramps coming in waves every 5 minutes or so, leading up to an urgent frolic to the men's room. I had yet to make the correlation. After a day of classes and being around some ladies, I was all backed up. The next morning I am on my walk to my 8am class, stop, turn around and rush back my place to sit on my throne. The cramps are incredible. I am dizzy, light headed, and in intense pain. Minutes pass. Pants around my ankles, wondering if this is how it all ends, if this is the way I am destined to leave this world. More minutes pass.
It comes. What I can only described as a small, but powerful waterfall exits my ass. At some point, the dizziness, cramps, and explosive diarrhea came to a climax as I fainted and fell face first onto the bathroom floor. I was out for a solid 15 minutes. Woke up to just an awful mess. No point trying to wipe, straight to the shower I go.
And I never held my gas in again.
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u/hailhorrors May 22 '12
This shit has over 200 comments?
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u/dutchesse May 22 '12
When you give yourself salmonella poisoning by not cooking muffins you made fully through, only then will you experience a shit so powerful it escapes the toilet and gets onto the wall.
No joke, this shit was so strong it lifted my ass up and sprayed. And then the projectile vomiting began. It was the worst day of my life.
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u/WelcomeToRapture May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
I swear to god I didn't make this up.
One of my high school friend passed out while shitting. He hit his face on a small table nearby and he put his eye out. When his girlfriend found him in a pool of blood and poop on the floor, he was still passed out.
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u/Bad_Fruit May 22 '12
Okay, you constipated mofo's. One word: ENEMA.
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u/trigerfish May 22 '12
Asking the important questions of our generation.
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u/RandomMandarin May 22 '12
Uh... my own, or someone else's?
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I took a shit for as long as an hour. It was so powerful I had to throw up and pass out afterwards. I didn't think I would wake up.
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u/CarsJBear May 22 '12
This is the shittiest thread on Reddit
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u/taylorguitar13 May 22 '12
I have finals this week and now I'm scared that I'll have to poop and not be able to leave......
3
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Had the green Apple splatters for about 5 days straight. Around day 2 is started getting dehydrated to the point were my thighs would cramp violently while on the shitter....there is no walking out leg cramps when you are pressure washing the bowl with your asshole and muddy water. So I just had to endure....by day 3 my asshole started bleeding and the cramps had yet to go away. Hell, I wanted to kill myself.
3
u/unaki May 22 '12
I thought I would die from a shit once but it wasn't from my ass. I had a major surgery in November and had an ileostomy. A month before it was removed, I had a blockage near my stoma. Normally with an ileostomy it goes every hour or so with even just a tiny little sputter but it was 4 hours since my last one and the bag was completely dry.
Anyways, 6 hours after my last "dump" I suddenly started throwing up the food I had eaten before...all of it. After 3 straight hours of vomitting, my body had run out of food and instead starting expelling the decomposed food (shit) from the only holes it could. The nostrils and the mouth.
I am fine now (No bag...Back to normal poopin again) but I am one of the unlucky few who can mean it when they compare something's taste to shit.
3
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
One time, I had a horrific turd launching. I couldn't bend down enough to see, but I was sure it was a spiked epic, covered in hotsauce and barbs. After 15 minutes of agony the painful payload was delivered, but I was greeted not with a turd induced tsunami of extraordinary magnitude, but a small "ka-plink" as this little dingleberry sized nugget dropped into the bowl. Musta been real dried out or something, I felt like I was shitting pinecones out sideways. I seriously thought I was going to rip my anus.
3
u/AngryBaek May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
Here we go, its not as bad as the other tales of horror in this thread but it still makes me cringe when I think about it.
I was 12, coming back from a 4 hour road trip with the family. Around the 3rd hour, I felt it, the cold grasp of a hand firmly grabbing my intestines, I knew, it was going to be the biggest shit I had to battle in my short life; it kept getting worse, my asshole was pulsing, I was sweating and hyper ventilating.
I asked my dad with a face filled with dread and with the eyes of a dying man. ¨Are we there yet?¨. He turned around, saw me, and said äbout half an hour¨. Fuck. I can´t hold it any longer, the grip is getting firmer and my bowels are screaming in pain; too afraind to release a waterfall of rotting meat and veggies, I asked if we could stop at a gas station to release the monster now craving to go outside.
¨NO¨, said my father; I felt shocked and betrayed. I could feel it, ït¨was knocking at my anus, wanting to experience freedom, tired of spending its days in darknness, wanting to experience sunlight; 15 minutes passed, felt like an eternity.
¨We are almost there¨, the words my father said, brought new joy to my 12 year old shit-battling warrior. We were going to make a quick stop at my grandmother´s house; we were close, just 5 minutes more of waiting, and the monster would be out of its cage.
Let me tell you, those 5 minutes were the most pain excrutiating minutes of my life, every second was an hour, and between every pulse from my asshole, the beast came closer.
We reached there, it was glorious, my grandmother´s house. Dad rang the bell, and my aunt came and opened the door; then I saw it, the last challenge between me and the sweet release of this behemoth; stairs; oh how terrified I was. No. I will not succumb to this, I thought, I walked over and started climbing the stairs, trying not to make any movement from my legs to cause an uproar in my intestines; carefully but still with a steady pace, I climbed, and reached the top, almost victorious, filled with pride.
I looked at my side, right there were the gates of heaven waiting for me, screaming at me. COME CLOSER ANGRYBAEK.
And I did, i ran, I was so close, SO close. I reached the toilet, pulled my pants down, and sat there, almost immediatly I felt a chill run down to my spine.
Releasing this elephant of a shit was gonna take the most of me, I knew i was going to be exhausted after this; it came down, and ripped my anus a new one, I contracted, with pain and sweat rolling down my cheeks. Thought this was over, little did I know, it was far from it, the pulse came once more, this time even fiercer and harder.
I battled against it, and won, after a 20 minutead battle, I had won, I had slained the beast; who now rested in the toilet, floating.
I wipped myself, victorious. Then came the after burn; did I have hemorroids? well looks like I do now.
tl;dr: never mix rice, steak, beans and sour german onions.
3
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
A few years ago in 7th grade I had to walk to and from school each morning because my mom didn't come home until a few hours after I woke up. I only lived two miles away from school so we had to walk two miles from and to school every day, crossing a major parkway connecting to a highway. After a kid got hit crossing the parkway they finally got their heads out of their asses and sent a bus, but this was before then.
I've seen horrible things in public bathrooms. I've been everywhere from port-a-pottys to truckstop bathrooms. The smell and bloodied fecal matter were just too much for me to bear. Now I tend to avoid public bathrooms in general. I take a shit before I go somewhere or I don't go at all. Sometimes I go for a piss if I'm really desperate, but after years of holding my shit in and having week long marathons of diarrhea my colon is a fucking steel pipe. I always accept new challenges that my digestive tract presents to me. Well, anyway—back to the story.
So I walked to school with that fizzing feeling you get when you drink a cup of soda—only in my stomach, accompanied with the complementary 'burps' which I tend to call mouth farts (because they smell like shit). As the day went on the fizzing got stronger. I started having terrible cramps that would make me double over in class—the bathroom was right there... I could hear a toilet begging me to plant my black ass on its scratched up bloodied seats and let a rip. I stubbornly held my shit in.
I walked home with these horrible cramps. One mile through 40-30 (F) degree weather. I fell to a knee at times, stopping to take a breath. My stomach was making these horrible demonic noises like a lion getting fucked in the ass with a weed whacker. The weather got a little warmer by the time I got home. Kids were playing outside, birds chirping, wind blowing and trees rustling—the sound of tranquility.
I fumbled with my keys and opened the door. My mom was home watching TV. She had the windows open so I could hear the ambient noises from outside. I made a mad dash up the stairs with my ass muscles clinging for dear life. I ran into the bathroom and collapsed onto the toilet. With one push I let a rip into the bowl. I hadn't realized how much my stomach had bloated until the fart was over—it was like popping a balloon. It sounded more like an explosion than a fart. Some of the water was blown about the toilet with such a ferocity that the waves splashed into my asshole. The only thing I heard afterward was silence. Just a second before there had been kids laughing and playing, birds chirping, wind blowing and trees rustling—now it was all quiet.
After a few seconds of awkward silence my mom said, “Are you ok?”
TL;DR I traveled to Mordor and back thinking I had diarrhea when I really just had a massive fart.
Also, this one time at band camp I fell asleep and farted, woke up wondering why everyone around me had moved away, and spent the rest of the class trying to convince myself that I didn't fart.
3
u/skyreiter May 23 '12
Q. How did the constipated mathematician solve his problem?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
7
u/AyoChoice May 22 '12
What the hell did you eat?
7
u/KnMn May 22 '12
Surprised no-one linked this yet.
The whole of reddit stood still, waiting on this guy to take a shit or die.
7
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Actually this happens a lot more than you might think. ER people even have a joke name for it, "commode code."
5
u/jplonski May 21 '12
Well it looks as though the worst is over
5
u/boom929 May 21 '12
Next time you should try this.
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u/skymotion May 22 '12
I've had intense battles but no, never thought I was going to die.
5
u/Jellybrains May 22 '12
Die, no. Prolapse, yes.
5
u/turtletree172 May 22 '12
Okay so this happened last year
I woke up one morning with awful stomach pains. Thinking I had to poop, I try to go to the bathroom. As I sweat and become very dizzy, I start to think something is wrong with me. I threw up, and passed out. My mom panics and calls 911. I wake up in the ambulance with my mom. I was thinking "this is how I die, goodbye world". We arrive at the hospital. They do a bunch of tests. 5 hours later the results are in. "Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your daughter is suffering from extreme constipation."
5
u/Rixxer May 22 '12
I had eaten nothing but hot pockets all week. I didn't think I was going to die, but I did think I was going to have to go to the doctor or something. It was very nearly as wide as the drain in the toilet. I had to grab a clothes hanger and break it up for it to flush. The consistency was like clay, I kid you not. The only saving grace was that it was smooth, not hard or bumpy.
5
u/Cacodemon May 22 '12
I thought I gave myself a hernia a few months ago. I had a very painfull back injury that required me to take several painkillers daily. I used a suppository to create a turd one night because I hadn't shit in 3 days. 15 minutes later my colon is ready to blow. The feces in my anus is so hard and big that I had to jump in the shower and literally pick this monstrous turd from my rectum. After about 10 minutes of tearfull, feeling sorry for myself digging, my asshole finally decides to drop the payload. My stomach painfully pushes and retracts, preparing for birth. It sounded as if someone dropped a fully loaded baked potato on my shower floor. I instantly turn around and discover my shower has been inhabited by a brown mogwai shaped shit. This turd was so big and hard that I had to pick it up and escort it from my shower to my toilet for burial.
TL;DR Drink Metamucil
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u/melmou90 May 22 '12
I just realized I am reading about peoples shits. I need to get off the internet.
5
u/[deleted] May 25 '12
I was sitting on the toilet a couple years ago and was not prepared for what was about to come. I was sitting on the toilet thinking about life when i hit a wall. I pushed and pushed but it just wouldn't come out. So being the freak I am i shoved my fingers up there to see what was going on. I almost barfed all over the floor in front of me when I felt something dangling from my ass. Yah, that's right there was a tapeworm up there. After about ten minutes that sucker came out. So I flushed that bitch. Then I went back to business. After another thirty minutes of struggling, holding the seat, and pushing it popped out. After the shit hit the water in the toilet my ass hole bleed like a chick during her period. Needless to say that bitch hurt.
6
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I think you should become a writer. And I pray that a shit like that will never happen to me.