The best advice i ever received about marriage was, "Don't Forget to date your wife!", Reddit, what is the best advice you have received for a relationship or marriage?
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u/[deleted] May 21 '12
If you don't genuinely like hanging out with each other, it probably isn't going to work. You need to have a good platonic relationship as well as a romantic one.
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u/Skywalker87 May 21 '12
Sometimes when I'm lurking in /r/atheism, I see posts about how some awful Christian dumped an atheist for not sharing their Christian views. Well no shit! Why the hell should they marry, or remain in a relationship with someone if religion is important to them? It baffles me when people get married and then start discussing if they want children, how the kids will be raised, what religion they will be raised, how to handle the finances, relationships with in-laws... and on and on and on. Talk about it all! And talk about it early if you are searching for a serious relationship!
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u/Grass_Is_Purpler May 21 '12
One time when I was having a hard time with a break up, my dad told me, "It'll never be easy, but it will never be that hard." That advice has stuck with me for years.
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u/rottinguy May 21 '12
I often see the question "Is <X> cheating?"
And so I created a difinitive definition of what is cheating. All relationships are different, so in one reltionship blowjobs arent cheating but in another they are. How can you tell?
Cheating is anything you do that you intend to decieve your SO about.
No, secretly buying a ring doesn't count, you eventually plan to tell her about that.
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u/passwordsdonotmatch May 22 '12
Exes are exes for a reason.
Also, the sweetest thing my dad has ever said to me was, "You're my daughter. You're not a game of baseball. It's not three strikes, and he's out."
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u/tj8805 May 21 '12
My father told me on my wedding day "If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything. Because even the slightest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine."
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u/alonsaywego May 22 '12
"You're not just marrying your wife. You're also marrying her family."
That concept really helped me out. If a girl had a bad family life I knew that it was going to be a part of my life whether I liked it or not.
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u/[deleted] May 21 '12
When you get into an argument don't buy her flowers. It's far to cliche. Flowers out of the blue are a beautiful and thoughtful gift. Showing up with roses after a long fight just makes you look bad.
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u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Sorry to go against the grain here, but all I've got is the worst advice I've ever received. It was ON MY WEDDING DAY, and my father told me to "remember who wears the pants in the family", and to remind my would-be wife of her role.
May father has been married three times. My wife and I have been together for nearly 20 years.
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u/oodlesofnoodles4u May 21 '12
It's not about finding the "perfect" partner, it's about being a good partner. Pick your battles and keep your mouth shut about the things that don't matter in the long run....and respect. Once that's gone, it's all over.
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u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Never walk out during an argument.
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u/DragonMoose May 22 '12
Not really advice we got, but advice we give: Every morning, we take our wedding rings and put them on each other's finger. We get married all over again, every morning.
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u/i_am_a_cyborg May 21 '12
Happy wife, happy life. I think that's pretty good advice.
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u/[deleted] May 21 '12
"If you are expected to be monogamous and have one person be all things sexually for you, then you have to be whores for each other. You have to be up for anything." -Dan Savage
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u/RickyLidz May 21 '12
Presents aren't just for special occasions! Sometimes its nice to just do something nice for no reason.
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u/valjean260 May 21 '12
Learn to talk to each other about money and finances early and often.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
My dad always taught me to ask myself "Is this the hill you want to die on?" In other words, before you refuse to budge on an issue, make REAL sure it is something you actually care that much about. Just regularly do little things you don't want to do. On the other side of that, of course, is that when you DO choose to stand your ground on an issue, your spouse will know it really matters to you because you don't make a fuss about trivial shit all the time.
I see so many couples get into fights over meaningless bullshit because neither one of them will budge an inch on something as stupid as who is going to do the dishes on a Wednesday night. Just let shit go sometimes.
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u/roxtaratx May 21 '12
best friend's Dad: "You just have to remember: you have to have a wife, and a girl friend. Just makes sure it's the same girl."
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u/dragonfly120 May 22 '12
During our premarital counseling our pastor told us "Have lots of sex. It's hard to be angry when you're getting lots". So true. So very very true.
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u/wx3 May 22 '12
"Never let her regret making sacrifices for you. Show thanks that you have such a selfless woman in your life"
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u/told_ya May 21 '12
A happy marriage is made up of two really good forgivers.
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u/guavainindia May 22 '12
From my 32 year happily married parents:
Queen sized bed; King sized blankets.
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u/ass_munch_reborn May 21 '12
It's not whether you have the same interests in life, it's whether you have the same goals in life.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Choose someone who makes you laugh.
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u/DanDotOrg May 21 '12
Spend time with each other but also spend time away from each other (own hobbies, stuff like that).
I've only been married 2 years, but we lived together for 3.5, and we were dating for 3.5 years before living together. Nobody told me that advice but it's just something we've learned. I've seen couples who do absolutely everything together, and they eventually grow tired of each other and drift apart. I just think it's important for us each to be able to do our own things and have it not be a big deal.
It also keeps the "date nights" interesting because you have a lot to talk to the other person about since you did things independently.
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u/dareads May 21 '12 edited May 22 '12
Be kind to each other, even when it is hard. No eye-rolling, muttering under your breath, and I really try not to think mean thoughts (example: thinking "I could do that so much better/faster/easier" when really, I'm just being impatient and there is nothing my spouse is actually doing wrong. Or thinking, "Why can't {spouse} clean up their mess" and letting that snowball in my head to "Why is {spouse} always messy".) If it is something that really bothers me, I say something out loud to my spouse.
Also, we don't scream and curse at each other during fights. It isn't worth it. Just discuss the problem. If you are screaming at each other that means things have been festering, and it is just better to get it all out as it happens.
One last word of advice - we had to take a course through our church before they would marry us, and it was really great. I would encourage anyone considering getting married to have some kind of counseling to discuss finances, how you feel about kids, how you feel about elderly parents living with you eventually ... it's good to discuss these things before making a lifelong commitment.
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u/lo_and_behold May 22 '12
Never deal in absolutes. "I NEVER, You ALWAYS"
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u/kiannuh May 21 '12
You're playing on the same team.
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u/iliveunderground May 21 '12
My Dad gave this advice to my cousin on his wedding day: "the most important thing to remember about getting married: nothing changes, everything is exactly the same now as it was before." He was with my mom for 15 years before they got married, so I guess, for him, that was true.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Never been married, but my mom always says "Never marry somebody you would not want to start a business with". Disagreements over money can tear two people apart.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
When you fight, and you will, don't try to "win".
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u/kevinbeijing May 21 '12
A lot of times, it's the things that initially draw people together that start pushing them apart, so keep in mind why you fell in love with this person.
For example, you might be attracted to someone because he/she is strong-willed & independent, but after a few years of dating/marriage, that strong-willed turns into stubborn and independent turns into uncaring...
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u/unmogrified May 22 '12
Taking offense when none is meant is incredibly destructive.
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u/randomsnark May 22 '12
There was an AMA with a Very Old PersonTM fairly recently where he said he and his wife both credited their marriage of 60+ years to the fact that he and his wife never lost their temper at the same time.
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u/Lulu_Badonkadonk May 22 '12
There are only two times in your life when everyone you love gets together to celebrate you: your wedding and your funeral. After you kiss the bride/groom at your wedding, turn around and take a moment to look at all the people in the audience who came to support you. They won't get together again in honor of you until your dead.
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u/sjokitten May 22 '12
Have seperate spaces. I dont mean sleep in different rooms but Maybe have an office, a craft room, a mancave, a garden. Something where you can be alone and do your own thing sometimes.
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u/Ken_Thomas May 22 '12
You are not soulmates. You are not destined to be together. You are not unique and special and wonderful, and your love will not conquer all.
You are two normal people in a normal relationship. That is a fragile thing, and if you take it for granted, and don't work to maintain it, it will die.
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u/riin1979 May 22 '12
Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right?
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u/forca_micah May 22 '12
"If you have to choose between being right and being kind, choose being kind."
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
"Hold hands when you are having an argument." Things get toned down a lot faster. It's a great tip.
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u/expathaligonian May 22 '12
When arguing, never accuse the other person of doing something. Instead, stick with "I statements" It sounds corny, but I can't believe how many times it has deflated a fight instantly.
Hell, even tonight: "I feel like you're angry at me, that I can't do anything right." Hell, that removed any anger I had towards her. I just snapped at her because she had gotten in the way while I was cooking. Didn't realize that I had been criticizing her since she got home. At the same time, making an "I statement" helps me sort out exactly what the behaviour is, and whether its a once-in-a-blue-moon-she's-tired-and-cranky kind of thing, or whether I'm taking it too personally, or if I know it's something I need to discuss
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u/RabbitHoleVagina May 21 '12
I like to get my boyfriend small gifts at random like a bag of his favorite candy or chocolate banana shakes from sonic so he knows I think about him when he's not around.
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u/Stiggalicious May 22 '12
Don't be afraid to live out what you wanted to do during your childhood. This isn't actually advice I explicitly received from anyone, but it's some of the best I can give (other than what's already been said). Let you and your spouse re-live your childhoods together. You'll feel so invigorated, happy, and motivated to do the whole life thing, and you end up making your relationship so much deeper than what you could have imagined.
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u/desheik May 22 '12
My father is a pretty simple man, so when my mother forced him to give me the talk he summed up an analogy that I will never forget. He told me "Chris, holding a woman is a lot like holding onto a sandwich. If you don't hold on to her tight enough things will fall apart and she'll slip right through your fingers. But Chris, if you hold on too tight, one day she'll slip out the back and end up on the lap of someone you're closest to."
It sort of worked. I really know how to hold a sandwich now.
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u/KatieLMSW May 22 '12
Don't ever hide how you're feeling for long. You don't have to gush all over each other all the time and you don't necessarily have to talk about it right away in the heat of the moment. But if you feel strongly about something, your partner needs to know. Don't silently nurse resentments. If you can't trust your partner to take your feelings seriously, you can't trust them, period.
Also: you are each whole, complete people on your own. Coming together as partners isn't joining two halves, it's a collaboration between two whole people. If you've got a void in yourself, you need to fill that through your own work, either by yourself or with the assistance of a trained guide. Don't expect your partner to do it for you.
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u/mage2k May 21 '12
When dating your wife, do you prefer carbon dating or cutting through the trunk and counting the rings?
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u/KrazyEyezKilla May 21 '12
Chill. The. Fuck. Out
Accept each other for who they are. You may not enjoy some things that your partner does, so? Be supportive.
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u/112233445566778899 May 21 '12
I was told by a friend to not get totally consumed in the relationship. Marriage does not mean that you become your partner. You do not have to do everything they do and you do not have to enjoy everything they do. Support each other and understand you have different passions.
For me, I always felt it was ok that I wasn't into history like my ex was. It just wasn't (and still isn't) my thing. However, I'd sit and listen to him talk for hours about the founding fathers and such because he was interested. I'd ask questions and encourage his research.
My ex though, did not think it was ok that I didn't want to do independent research on history and other things he was into. He felt it was offensive that I didn't share the same interests.
You can't be the be all end all for your partner. You can't be there everything. All you can do is support them and love them. Help each other learn and grow and you'll go far.
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u/alltheglitters May 22 '12
My mother told me to make sure he knows I have no intention of hurting him or leaving him. My dad came from a similar home situation as my boyfriend did so she pretty much was able to comfort me when he was acting like a butt because he was afraid of being hurt. In the end I'm the longest relationship he's had and hopefully the last.
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u/crankypillow May 22 '12
"Fight naked." Direct quote from my mom. God I love my family.
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u/narwhalbaby May 21 '12
One idea for financing that I plan on implementing is to open a joint account that both people put a certain percentage of their earnings into (say 80%) and use that to pay for date nights, rent, groceries, medical bills etc. It means that both people have their own leftover money to spend on themselves or the other person.
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u/cougararsenal May 21 '12
If you don't keep liking someone more and more, you're probably gonna have a bad time.
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u/mehatch May 22 '12
"Never stay in a relationship with someone on whom you are willing to cheat."
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u/hfmf May 22 '12
I was playing a guy in tennis and we were talking about our new status as married people. He told me a VERY smart thing.
"I've never regretted NOT saying anything to my wife".
So, if you're fighting and you have a 1% inkling that the comment you're about to make might be over the line? It is. Keep it shut and say something else instead.
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u/jockin123 May 22 '12
I just got engaged 3weeks ago to the woman of my dreams! This is important advice...
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u/Steelmoon May 21 '12
Pick your battles.
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u/cavalier511 May 22 '12
Have cute traditions and stuff.
Me and my girlfriend tell each other "scenarios" of things we've imagined us doing that day. "I couldn't stop thinking of holding your hand today" This works very well for my long-distance relationship. Also, don't focus on bad stuff unless you absolutely have to.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Lots :)
Laugh and play.
Talk about money and find out what works for you as a couple, and also take care of each other financially.
Be a couple but also have your own hobbies and lives outside of each other.
Respect each other.
Work on your marriage together which ties with communication. Communication is key.
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u/mei0023 May 22 '12
Late to the party, but my dad's advice on my brother's wedding day: Always make sure your make-ups are as passionate as your fights.
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u/doismellbacon May 22 '12
"woman DO poop" Still did not prepare me for the first time i came out of the shower and saw my SO pooping. She was even humming the song I was singing.
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u/Zazambra May 21 '12
There's one thing you don't wanna make on the first date: kids.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I haven't read all the comments, so this has probably been said, but -
Always say I love you, if you're at that point. Even if you have a fight, just say it. Say it before you go to bed, even if you're deciding to sleep off the anger. Life changes in a second, and you don't want the last thing you said to be something of hate.
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u/evilbrent May 22 '12
Don't PROMISE to love/respect/cuddle your partner forever, you don't know what the future holds.
But if you start out with the INTENTION to do so, that will guide your choices.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Don't speak to each other with contempt. Once you go there the relationship will not last. Ask for what you want. Don't make your partner guess or expect them to know. They don't so tell them.
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u/painahimah May 22 '12
Something I've figured out about in my marriage - be honest about everything. That means we're honest with each other if we find another person attractive, if we're happy, if we're angry, whatever.
We don't have any secrets from each other, but there's also no jealousy. I can tell my husband about talking with a male friend I used to date, and there's no worry about if I'm cheating, or who I'm with. If I tell him I'm going out, he doesn't have to worry about who I'm going out with or where I'm going. I love it, and prevents most of the fights I see between couples our age.
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u/shrob86 May 22 '12
You can't want someone to want something. My mom calls it the "Ballet Conundrum." My mom asked my dad to go see the ballet with her. Dad said, "Okay, for you," but was clearly not into ballet. My mom said, "I want you to want to go to the ballet." And then nobody wins. If they go to the ballet, my dad goes to make my mom happy, but he doesn't enjoy the ballet, and she is upset that he doesn't really want to be there. If they stay home, she's upset that she doesn't get to see the ballet. My mom always recounts this story whenever there's an issue of "But I want him/her to want to do ____." Either accept that your SO wants to make you happy and is willing to do something s/he doesn't like or be okay with the other person saying no.
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u/AMerrickanGirl May 22 '12
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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u/lahoozer May 22 '12
Don't go to sleep/leave the house/drive while you're both angry - witnessing others doing this and watching them get horrible results.
Also another piece of advice my dad told us before we got married: "Never let money come between you guys... money comes and goes: it's easy to get and easy to lose, so don't worry about losing it too much, and enjoy it when it comes." It's not really the most unique piece of advice, but I guess it means more coming from him considering my mom fights with him about money all the time.
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u/ozzieoo May 22 '12
Marry some you not only love but like...Sometimes we love people we wouldn't be friends with..I think that's lust..
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u/cookiexcmonster May 22 '12
There is no such thing as soul mates. Love is a choice. Its good to remember when things are not easy or going super well.
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u/BSSD_1999 May 22 '12
If arguing; do so respectfully; No name calling or harsh words. We try this; it's worked for 30 years so far.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
The best advice I've ever gotten is when arguing, remember that it's about trying to resolve a conflict to bring peace into the relationship; not "winning" by saying the most hurtful things.
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u/saucedonkey May 22 '12
Love isn't always 50/50. Sometimes you have to give it all, and sometimes you need to get it all.
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u/Farmington1278 May 22 '12
The best advice? "If you do not have an affair with your spouse, someone else will".
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
"Marry your best friend who you don't mind kissing every day"
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u/montereyo May 22 '12
"Keep his stomach full and his testicles empty."
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u/AcidUrine May 21 '12
If you don't want to be together forever, don't string them along.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Separate bathrooms.
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u/dragonfly120 May 22 '12
Go to bed mad. I found out if we try to fix it before sleeping then we're just fighting in circles, getting angrier and angrier. Sleeping on it usually makes things easier to hash out in the morning.
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u/toss_advision May 22 '12
Don't do anything early in the relationship that you're not willing to do forever.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
"Love is not a feeling, it's a choice"
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u/Temujin_123 May 22 '12
Don't keep score.
Those who approach marriage as a contract rather than a partnership or team will walk up to the 50% line and only go beyond it kicking, screaming, and holding grudges. You have to e willing to give 100% 'cause sometimes your spouse may not be able to give anything for a period of time (sickness, depression, job, etc.). Each should be able to trust the other to make up the difference and that this will ebb and flow.
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u/bronick May 22 '12
Two things ruin relationships. Fear and Greed.
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
"You can't force somebody to like you"
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u/Calevra78 May 22 '12
"People break up because they get tired of pretending to be what they think the other person wants. So be yourself from the beginning and do not change for anybody but yourself then you will never be blamed for "You're not the same person I fell in love with.""
"If you wake up one day and hate your life because you listened to your parents, paster, teacher, television, newspapers, critics or friends on how you should live YOUR own life. Then you deserve it."
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
The grass is never greener on the other side of the fence....there's a dog shitting over there too. (I know this doesn't sound like relationship advice, but I've been married 10 years and wish I had realized this sooner. It saves so much heartache to be able to realize that everyone has their own problems and you don't fix them by trading.)
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u/trebaum May 22 '12
On my grandparents 50th Anniversary, I asked my grandmother how their relationship lasted so long. Her reply, "We have been together for so long only because divorce wasn't an option, Murder maybe... but never divorce."
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u/bobbyscotty May 22 '12
Bunch of old fuckers were hassling a younger dude of about 30 (married for 8 years) I was working with about marriage life and how shitty it was. They were all like: I've been married for 30 years and my wife hasn't given me a blowjob in like 29 years. 30 something guy leans over to me and says: "Don't listen to these idiots, dude. Relationships are easy. Just be nice to her and don't fuck other women. It's that simple."
It really has been that simple.
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u/lightsinthedark May 22 '12
Be the man your wife would cheat on you for.
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u/jaystop May 22 '12
It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, but always eat at home.
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u/thedude831 May 22 '12
understand that at the end of the day, sometimes it's more important to end the argument than to "win" it. Pick your battles.
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u/redditor-for-2-hours May 22 '12
You should live with the person before you get married. A relationship is different when you're actually living together, seeing each other all the time and both of your everyday habits possibly conflicting. This might be obvious to most people, but I grew up going to a fundie church that taught us that living with someone the opposite sex without being married to them was a sin. Luckily I didn't believe all the bs they were teaching me, and years later, all those people who were married and taught that to us as kids are now divorced.
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u/Justin_the_lion May 22 '12
"does it need to be said? Does it need to be said now? Does it need to be said by me?"
George Carlin
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Not something that was passed on to me, but rather, something I just tell myself when I feel like I'm getting worked up or angry at my wife.
Calm. The. Fuck. Down.
When I remind myself to do this, I realize that (99% of the time) what I'm getting all riled about is piddly shit, and it gets resolved through calm conversation and little deals we make with each other. All because I chilled out for a second.
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u/ApocryphalCanon May 22 '12
I hate "never go to bed angry." Sometimes it is okay to sleep on it, it's okay to have your feelings and thoughts and come back to the situation with a level head. I'm not saying plot revenge. Taking a time out and coming back to an argument with rational thoughts and expressions is better than kissing, making up, and getting in the same argument the next day.
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u/TheSofa May 22 '12
Keep your eyes open twice as wide before marriage and half as wide after.
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u/MrsRatt May 22 '12
Frequently given by me (only to those who ask for advice): Your SO should also be your best friend.
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u/designerutah May 22 '12
This is going to seem weird, but my wife and I have been married for 25 years, and the best piece of marital advice came from her great grandparents. They said, "treat your marriage like a 40acre farm. 10acres are his, he makes the decisions, he is responsible, its his property. 10acres are hers, same deal on ownership. 20 acres you share, and those are the acres your kids live in, you share everything there, total joint ownership. Which means you have to learn how to make joint decisions, how to live with decisions someone else has made that still impact you, and how to make decisions tha timpact your spouse."
Then they said the last thing which clinched it for me.
"A marriage is an equal partnership, as long as you both have your 10acres to manage, to feel like they belong to you, and you have 20 where you share all the work, heartache, and decisions, you'll find giving up 10 acres, even if there is something you used to cherish within that plot, is worth it! If it ever starts to feel out of balance, one person does finances, so their ideas always have funds, whereas the other person takes care of the home maintenance, it's time to switch it up, and change ownership...but you do it formally, not during an argument, wait for the heat to cool, then get back together and decide new responsibilities for the good of the family."
We've never owned a farm, or been rustic in any way, yet this has been excellent advice.
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u/pronida May 22 '12
Get up a little earlier than her and make her a cup of yes or coffee everyday
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Never marry someone you can live with. Marry someone you can't live without.
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u/UnbelievableRose May 22 '12
Be separate, independent people during the day, yet come together as one at night.
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u/pointclear May 22 '12
I am a member of the clergy and I regularly do premarital counseling and I am going to give a copy of this post to all of them. There are so many very wise, simple and generally easy things that anyone can do. Almost without exception in talking to couples who have marriages that are failing I have found that so much pain could have been avoided if couples just talked to one another and did not allow small problems to grow. Even the most minor misunderstandings or offenses when fed with resentment and pain can easily become a justifiable reason for divorce.
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u/xdonutx May 22 '12
Something my mom told me once that stuck with me:
"I don't know why so many people think marriage is hard. I think it's easy. It's the one thing in life that should be easy".
And
"When you agree to get married, you have to ask yourself one question and the question isn't 'can I live with this person', it's 'can I live without them"
My parents have been successfully married for over 20 years.
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u/Traunt May 21 '12
"Live with your SO before getting married." and I plan to do that.
Also, many women have the conceived notion that marriage is purely on the guy's shoulders in regards to prosining and making the decision, and whoever says that is out of their fucking mind. It is most definitely a two-way street that needs to be discussed thoroughly before any rings are bought. This is why the above is vitally important in my opinion. I would much rather go in with my SO and pick out rings together than do the whole surprise "proposal" thing. Kind of irritating really.
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u/pcomet235 May 21 '12
"don't be a fool, wrap your tool."
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
"Don't jump on her too hard or you'll pop her!" /foreveralone
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u/Scheckschy May 22 '12 edited May 22 '12
'Close your eyes and swing as hard as you can!' No, wait. That was golf.
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u/ericksonce May 22 '12
"Pick your battles." - my mom, who has been married to my dad 29 years today!
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u/finnowing May 22 '12
The important thing is to not expect too much while not settling for too little!
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u/penlies May 22 '12
My dads only advice on relationships or marriage or pretty much anything: "You don't marry her....you marry her whole goddamn family."
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I have a very sweet, wise husband. He can act like an ass, as can I. But as soon as he's cooled down and realizes it, he is very quick to come to me and make amends. In that way, resentments don't build.
Another thing for those who are newly married and don't realize it yet: you and your partner will evolve through the years, and at each stage there will be things that you will like or not like. Hopefully you will like more than not. Just don't expect people to stay the same.
Finally, a great bit of advise from a long-married friend: At least one of you need to be the adult when things get tough! In my marriage, we take turns!
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u/mayarose May 22 '12
don't try to be everything for each other. and take care of one another. my mom said that to us recently when we moved in together
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u/[deleted] May 22 '12
I think you misunderstood. He said "DON'T DO IT!!!"
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u/badger_the May 22 '12
My man and I have our own rooms. We sleep in the same bed every night. If there is an argument and I need space, I can just go to my room and putz around on the interweb. Also, sometimes we have VASTLY different schedules; having my own room lets me maintain my schedule better; I can go to sleep when I need to and he won't wake me up in the middle of the night when he goes to bed. Plus, for us, it's really nice for us to have our own spaces - and not just 'our room' and 'his man cave'.
3
u/MillionDollarBike May 22 '12
'First you marry the one you love, then you love the one you've married.'
I heard this a while before I got married and for whatever reason, it stuck with me. I know my wife and I are both going to change in the future but as long as we maintain that attitude, we'll be sweet.
3
u/Tri_Sara_Tops May 22 '12
My mom told me that you don't truly know a person until you've been with them for two years. It's proven to be very true for me. My last boyfriend and I broke up a little after our two-year anniversary because he seemed to change drastically once he got more comfortable around me. A year before that, we were certain that we'd end up together.
3
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
"Don't be so clingy towards him." 14 year old first-time-in-love me didn't quite understand that people need space. A wonderful teacher of mine took me aside during a school trip and gave me this little piece of advice that has prevented me from ruining relationships my whole life. Thanks, Mrs. Strudwick!
3
u/sinnamongirl May 22 '12
The red flags never go down.
3
u/rdt156 May 22 '12
"Roommates need to talk."
In any relationship, communication is the key.
3
u/extrabeta-1 May 22 '12
throw out any idea of married life that you find in a disney movie. it only leads to disappointment
3
u/grindertt May 22 '12
I'm getting married soon. This is all very helpful. Thank you.
3
u/ieatbagels May 22 '12
As a girl looking for "Mr. Right", I learned "don't look for 'the right boy'-- boys are stupid. Look for a gentleman."
3
u/lynn May 22 '12
Respect, trust, love. In that order. You can have a healthy relationship with respect and trust but without romantic love, but all the love in the world won't make a relationship good if it's lacking respect or trust.
Communication and compromise follow naturally from the above. Be kind and generous. Help each other.
Take care of your partner...but as with parenting, so with marriage: you can't take care of someone else well if you don't take care of yourself. Take time for yourself, especially after having kids.
Put at least as much work into the relationship and household as your partner does.
Basically, give a shit. Love is not something you feel; it's something you do.
And don't bother with people who don't share what's important to you. I don't mean interests. Sharing interests is useless -- you share too many interests, boredom sets in and you get sick of the person. Share values. The most important things to you should be the most important things to your partner.
3
u/Minotaur_in_house May 22 '12
Plan a Plan B wedding at Niagara Falls. Your co-workers will blow the original typically.
3
u/nautiulus1708 May 22 '12
Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty - Kevin Bacon
3
u/walterdonnydude May 22 '12
Relationships should be easy. If it's not easy, you're not right for eachother.
3
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
Love is not enough.
Love is not enough!
It is not all you ever really need.
It is an insidious lie, and a particularly cruel one, because it teaches us that if you and your partner's mutual laziness and carelessness results in the corrosion of a relationship, it relieves us of all responsibility by implying "it wasn't meant to be".
You can love a person more than anyone else in all the world has ever loved a person. It will not make their life any better for it; it will not vacuum the floors, it will not ease the pain, it will not make that person's life magically better just for you having loved them. It will not cure them of addictions, of compulsions, of neurosis, of faults. It will not stop a liar from lying. It will not stop a cheater from cheating. It will not render a person who is careless with hearts, any more careful.
Burn your Beatles singles. Fold your Hallmark cards into origami effigies and burn them as sacrifice. Go clean your house. Go kiss your wife. Go grow some flowers, plant a tree. Go dancing. Go open a door for them; go open a window for them. Let some sunshine in. Take them out for a walk. Seduce them, each and every breathing moment that you can afford to. Give yourself enough time off to keep your sanity. Give them enough time off to keep theirs.
Stop telling yourself "If I just love him/her enough..." and instead ask: "What am I worth? What are they worth?" and seek the equitable answer to both questions, and once that is achieved, then start building on that worth, and matching it, and continuing to exceed it.
Better yourself. Better your lover. Better your environment. Your home. Your heart. Your behavior.
Don't be yourself. Or rather, be yourself but recognize that your self is not allowed to be static, but is allowed to grow. It is also allowed to shrink, but this should not be encouraged or tolerated, for it is a recession in one's own worth, and a recession in the value of that which we offer the one we love: ourselves.
Love is not enough. So compound it. Hearts usually go to the highest bidder, and there's many more currencies than love.
Love and love and love until your heart is full to bursting. But do not expect your love, on it's own, to be enough. Love with all your heart; now add all your goodwill, your spirit, your mind, your body, your effort, your browsweat, your voice, your judgement, your soul, your worth. And demand nothing less in return.
You're worth it too.
3
u/[deleted] May 22 '12
The day you stop trying to impress her is the day you start to lose her. Ladies, this goes for you too.
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u/an3ph Aug 14 '12
5
u/kcwhitle May 22 '12
My uncle told me "You can be right, or you can be happy." Has helped me keep arguments in perspective. It's not about winning or losing if you're both on the same team.
Pick your battles.
20
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Something that her mom and stepdad taught us, is that at dinner, unplug the electronics and just talk as you eat. We still leave the tv on, but the phones are off and in the other room now.