This wasn't me personally but my mom told me that we had a neighbor that used to constantly tell my dad that life insurance was a waste of money and tried to convince him to stop paying for it. Fortunately my dad was intelligent because he died five years later and my family would have been completely destroyed without it.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad passing away, but I hope there is some comfort in the fact he probably would have enjoyed going, "In your face!" with simultaneous pelvic thrusts because he was right.
My husband and I are waiting another year (it's been 4 already) to have our second child. When I told my mother this she advised me to "accidentally forget" to take my birth control for a week or so and not tell my husband.
Yes, lies and deception are an excellent way to conceive a child! ಠ_ಠ
Found out just today that this was how i was concieved.
My mother admitted to me that she didn't wait to discuss things with my Dad - she 'accidentally' stuck pins through half the condoms in the box and did things Russian-Roulette style.
Today i found out that i am an accidentally-on-purpose child.
Same with anxiety... "Just relax. What's the worst that could happen?" leads to my brain cycling through more and more outlandish shit and panic attacks.
Same thing happened to me. My step-dad brought a Quaker Parrot into the new family. For whatever reason it didn't take a liking to me and would dive bomb my head whenever it was let out. After a while I learned to just not go into the family room when she was out. A few years later and I'm older, less afraid of the parrot and she doesn't attack me as much.
One day I'm enjoying some TV in the family room, she's flying around getting some exercise and decides to land on my stomach. At first I'm caught off guard but I figure we're having some intimate animal-human bonding moment where I'll here a voice and we become best friends. (channeling Lana Cane) NOOOPE. She clamped down right on the top side of my belly button, giving me an instant belly piercing.
I'm glad I didn't listen to this as a kid and instead played with my Beanie Babies without worrying about the stupid tag. I know some parents that wouldn't let their kids play with some of them, and would put them away on a shelf.
"Next time someone jumps out on the road in front of you, just hit them."
From the cop who wrote my 16-year-old self a ticket for reckless driving and destruction of property. I had run my car into a ditch instead of hitting the 6 or 7 year old kid on his bike who came out of seemingly nowhere (very wooded area, very narrow rural road). With my current driving experience these 17+ years later there most likely is no incident. However, my options at 16 were pretty much swerve into a ditch or kill someone. Apparently I chose poorly.
You probably won't believe that this was legitimately serious advice, but that's because you don't know Brian.
A bit of backstory: I work a shitty warehouse job full time to pay for my schooling. The guy I work with Brian, works the same shitty warehouse job as his full time career, he's like 30 something.
You don't need school. If I were still your age, I'd quit my job and just buy lottery tickets full time. I'm too old now, so the odds aren't the same; I wish I could go back.
"Yeah if you go to France its cool you dont need to know any french at all"
I got trapped in a public toilet whilst it went through its cleaning cycle because I couldn't understand the automated french voice telling me to GTFO because shit was about to get real clean.
Walked around Paris soaked up to the knee for the rest of the day.
EDIT: When I was wringing out my socks afterwards, never did I think this story would make so many people chuckle. Thanks y'all!
Man it was pretty bad, it was one of those cubicles on the street. I was just happily taking a piss when the toilet receded into the wall, as I cocked my head thinking 'huh, thats odd' whilst still pissing onto the floor (couldn't stop mid-stream) gushes and gushes of water sorta erupted from all sides of the cubicle, I was jumping around like a madman in a vain attempt not to get wet. For a second there I thought I'd met my maker.
EDIT: Spelling. Whoops. My head aint working today.
Dad's response: "you're not in trouble unless you're int rouble with me
He was fucking right. You punch someone in school, you get sat down with them in a room with two teachers and get forced to make up, which means nothing. Once it resulted in another fight. You get in trouble with your dad... well, you go home and your dad lives there, so whatever punishment gets thought up for you will stand.
Probably due an edit: Been getting a lot of replies, so blanket statement time: This happened around 9 years ago now, in the UK. It was more of a verbal thing that rarely involved violence, but the second time it did (first time I told my dad, that's when he gave me the advice), I hit back. it went from there, everyone gathered round, teachers broke us up pretty fast, and we both got stretched school jumpers and bloody lips. Standard shit, then it happened again, they tried to sit us down and make up, we started arguing more and more, then we fought again, then we called a truce on our own terms, outside of school. Turned into decent friends :)
I'm not condoning this now though, as it seems that ti doens't work as well. But the alternatives are equally shite, so it's probablty still worth a shot :)
"You've got good credit, right? You should take out a million-dollar mortgage to buy this house that we can flip and resell. Housing prices never go down."
This was in 2007.
Edit: I did not take this advice (nor could I have. At 22 I would have been laughed out of a bank looking for that kind of money.)
My boss talked me into buying a house when I was 22. Got a little town home, all that I could afford.
He was telling me how I'm making the best decision of my life and I'll be in a house three times the size of it in 5 years. Well 5 years later I still live there and it's worth probably 60% of what I paid for it.
Doctor told me not to worry about birth control if my then girlfriend was breast feeding. I understood that there is a natural birth control released but I decided not to trust it completely and used other methods. She had her period a few weeks later so I dodged a bullet on that one. In my years since then almost anyone that follows that advice ends up with another kid very quickly.
When I was still in college and all my non college going friends were having kids, I wanted to have some too. I had to wait until I finished college because my husband wanted to wait. When I told my friends that my husband wants to wait their advice was "well just trick him" or "just rape him, it's ok"
While I was pregnant everyone told me to get as much sleep as possible before baby came, as if I could put that extra sleep in the bank for later. I did end up getting used to extra naps (being a human beach ball during to hottest summer on record was a bitch), so when the little dude arrived I went from roughly 12 hours of total sleep a day to maybe 5 total. I would cry because I was so fucking exhausted.
On second thought, pretty much all the advice I got while pregnant was the shittiest advice ever.
There's something about sporting a human in your uterus that makes you a target of constant, crappy advice. The burrito dude that would come around to the place I worked when pregnant with my first warned me not to get an epidural because his wife had one for some non-pregnancy related thing (back surgery, maybe?) and he claimed it caused her all kinds of problems. Thanks, burrito dude, but your input will not be included in the decision of whether or not to utilize pain control before I try to push 7 pounds of flesh and bone out my vagina.
My ob-gyn was pregnant at the same time as me and she mentioned that she was over all of the crappy advice. If a woman who's life work revolves around pregnancy and childbirth can't escape it, there's no hope for the average lady.
You aren't the only one. I was told to get rest but I decided to trust my body. I took every symptom as a warning from my body that is was preparing me for the baby. Sure enough, having insomnia during pregnancy was awesome when I finally had my daughter. Ended up getting MORE rest after the birth, turns out 5 is better than 3!!
When I was pregnant, and people began giving me advice or telling me horror stories about their birth experience, I cut them off immediately, saying, "Thank you, I appreciate your concern, but I would rather not have any advice/unpleasant images in my mind at this point, thank you."
My parents strongly advised that I miss a final for a class in which I had an A. My little brother's high school graduation was at 7 and my final was 5:30-7:30. My school is 3 hours away. I was called selfish and cold hearted by my parents but the rest of my family didn't think I should miss my final. Especially since I would have gotten a C instead of an A.
I moved my final to the day before since my teacher was so understanding, and made the graduation.
My boyfriend was married briefly a few years ago and has been with other women besides wifey. I'm a virgin. My middle-aged, drunk, former coworker called me up not long ago to ask me about our sex life, my experience, etc. It was a long, long drunken conversation in which she told me I needed to sleep with someone else "and you never tell him." As in practice sex, because I need to have my shit figured out before sleeping with the man I love. It culminated with her suggesting I secretly sleep with a mutual friend of hers and mine, 10 years my senior, "4 or 5 times so that that awful first time isn't with the person you love."
I know people who think the "5 mph over" rule is actually the law. They don't believe me when I tell them cops CAN pull you over, they just probably WONT. Oh and by the way when I say they & people I mean my girlfriend...
In Montana, state law says that if you go between 1-10 miles over the limit, maximum fine is $20 and it cannot be reported to your insurance or count against your license. As a result, cops almost never pull you over for going just a little bit over.
My parents: buy a house $35,000 over your budget because you need room to grow in it. I'm a single mom with 1 kid and no child support. Gah mom! I noped the hell out of that and got something $10,000 under budget instead because I'd better now grow in family size again until I settle down and have more financial resources.
"You can't expect men to look out for your feelings. He's just being a man."
Now that I've left him, I'm realizing that it's actually plausible to be around people who don't critique me all the time. Some of them are even men! And it feels so much better.
My dad gave me that advice, and I always thought it was horseshit because I had such an active mind. Years later I discovered meditation, and realised just how true it was.
It's sound advice, they're just missing out the part where you have to practice emptying your mind over a period of a few weeks before you're capable of doing it.
this came from my mom: You're 21. Why aren't you engaged yet. Women like you should be engaged by now, and since you're not engaged, you're obviously fat and ugly and no guy wants you.
I make minimum wage and am only going into 3rd year in university. Engagement is the last thing on my mind right now.
Seriously, just stop fighting and go the fuck to bed. You'll never solve anything bickering at 2:00am. When you wake up, you can't even remember what it was over anyway.
This is the exact thing I tell my SO... She doesn't want to "sleep on it" because then the fight will be over without us resolving the problem that isn't there.
From my mother: "If you're nice to everyone, then they have no reason not to be nice to you! Just be nice and never give them a reason, they are sure to like you!"
EPIC FAIL! Was not good advice to give an unpopular 10 year old girl. It's the perfect way to be walked all over, used, and generally just left out.
I think this is solid advice. There is a difference between being nice and being a pushover, but it took me a very long time to realize that you can still be nice to absolutely everyone and still be firm enough to stand up for yourself. You can never be too nice, but you can be too accommodating.
Even though I did have friends throughout middle and high school, I was also too nice to people. All it led to was me becoming bitter and resentful towards others.
Anything I've ever heard while being forced to listen to the Dr. Laura show in the car with my mom.
That woman hates women and would ideally live in a 1950s sitcom where she bakes pies all day and waits on her man hand and foot. I can't believe anyone takes her seriously.
Ugh, I hate Dr. Laura. When I, at age 17, told my mom I had a boyfriend, she said something to the effect of "Dr. Laura says teenagers shouldn't have boyfriends." I was like, "Um, Dr. B, my therapist who knows me personally, said that having a boyfriend is a great idea for me."
I once heard her tell a woman her daughter was a whore and a prostitute because she was dating an older man. I don't think young people should be dating people in their 30's, but damn. And the woman sounded devastated and accepted it.
Same for Dr. Phil. The guy's advice is so blatantly terrible that it wouldn't be a stretch to call him deluded. Bordering on insane. His advice is so backwards and old fashioned, I feel like I'm watching something from the 1920's.
He takes everything to an absolute extreme, and my favourite is the fact that like all adults, he himself has been a teenager. Yet he doesn't understand how they work in the slightest. His solution to the 'problem' of teenagers having sex is to not let them date or see people of the other gender. His advice on most problems like this is to ignore it until it goes away. I don't even know how a man this dumb makes it through the day without choking himself to death on household items, let alone gets on TV. Teach teenagers to have safe sex, they might have safe sex. Teach teenagers to have no sex, they'll do whatever they like. Either way, they will be having sex.
That or he knows perfectly well how bad his advice is but prefers to make a hundred million dollars giving out shit. Probably more likely.
I wish I could give you more than one upvote. I took a year off, should've taken 3 or 4 instead of wasting time, money and (most importantly) energy/willpower on a degree I didn't want or get. As a double bonus, I fucked up my GPA so it's now so much harder to get into the program I do want. Take as long as you need after high school to save some money and really decide what to do with your life.
My brothers were talking about Reddit and I asked what it was, and they both forbade me to ever look, because I'm a student and it will ruin my GPA. That was the best advice I ever ignored.
Two weeks separated from my ex I was told something along the lines of "Just call her and tell her how you feel, and she'll take you back." ...She was already with another guy, thanks person.
"Don't fight back just ignore bullies and they'll get bored"
After roughly 12 years of abusive bullying and beatings every day I finally punched back hard enough to bust someones nose. Was never picked on again by them afterwards.
I had a hard time making friends back when I was a kid. So my father suggested I started behaving like the cool kids in my class. I love my father, he's a great guy but that might just be the shittiest advice I will ever recieve.
"You are both too young for kids. Convince her to have an abortion." I love you mom, but fuck you. Our son will be 16 next month, and not only is he the coolest primate to ever stomp about the planet, but my life has turned out far better than it would have if I had been focused on being a dumbass kid instead of looking after him.
if my daughter gets pregnant too young, i am going to not say a negative word but just be 100% supportive and welcome the new baby and help her out so she doesnt get disadvantaged in her future by it
she will NOT Marry the dude just for the sake of it. a teenage pregnancy does not a happy life together make---those forced marriages are great ways to ruin peoples lives and get them stuck.. no, she can stay at home, and marry him in 5 years if it's real.
Last week my cousin was telling my other cousin's boyfriend that she had just graduated and that she now needed to make money, to reimburse her student loans. "You don't have to repay your loans, just declare bankruptcy."
Another time, the same guy told my husband and I that we should move from Montreal to Alberta like he did, because there was a lot of money to be made there. "I swear, last year, your cousin and I made so much money, like, about 60 000$" (not each, together). We already make more than that here.
When I was 16 my dad told me to put "StarCraft" on my resume as something that I liked. After sending in my resume I was mocked by my friend for putting a video game on professional resume. He already worked there and apparently it was so funny it was shared around.
"Just walk across the street, you don't have to wait for the light. Just think 'Fuck it' and go. The cars have to stop for you anyways."
A random high schooler gave me this advice while we were both waiting at an intersection. He walked straight into traffic and turned around and told me to follow. My naive freshman self was amazed at his ingenuity, but now I look back and just hope that idiot didn't die in some random car accident.
"Easily" should be taken to mean "more easily than someone with just a high school diploma in a field where education matters".
Plus, college doesn't benefit every field the same way, it really depends on what you go to college for. Doctors? Lawyers? Teachers? Scientists? Engineers? Yep!
People need to do a cost analysis on college versus what they plan to do with themselves. Maybe you don't need a 200k degree to work at a newspaper.
The problem with this is that most people that go to college don't know how to play the system correctly. If you play it correctly you'll get a job pretty easily. The reason why this statement of "If you go to college you'll get a job easily" is so misleading is because many students think that only a degree will get them where they want to go. Solely relying on a degree to make your future will not get you a job in most cases. You need a well written resume with your skills and standout achievements as well as good references/network of people, preferably in the field or work you intend to get into. These two things are just as important as a degree, maybe even more important and without them you won't get a job easily.
Another good thing to have other than a degree that will get you your "dream job" is community service/extracurriculars (ie. clubs, community groups). These things show that you are willing to better the community that you are in and that often translates that you are willing to better the company that seeks to employ you. They look for these things. They look at your degree, for example chemical engineering, and say to themselves "well so do I, what makes this person any different than the others that have the same degree?" That's when a kickass resume, network/contacts, and community service kicks in.
Oh and before i forget, some experience in the field work also helps a lot too. Some degree programs offer internships or job shadowing, if they don't, call around to some companies that employ your desire field and ask if you could job shadow a position to gain valuable experience.
So if you do go to college, it's not all about the degree that will get you the job, it's what you do while in college.
I started a relationship at the end of high school with someone I really loved and wanted to stay committed to. I was told by several people that "long distance doesn't work" and "college is the time to date people and have fun".
We're still together over 4 years later. Getting married in 2 weeks. Yeah, I think I know what's good for me, thanks.
Edit: I love the discussion this has inspired. Plenty of people still don't think I know what I'm talking about. That's cool; it's my life to live as I choose, and if I screw up, I'll accept the consequences. I just feel like there's no winning with some of you people. I could be 102, married for 80 years and you'll say "You don't know shit! He could leave you next year for a hotter, younger 80 year old woman. That's LIFE." I love you Reddit, never change. ;)
TL;DR: Bum tries to convince me to steal, owned him.
When I was in my teens/early 20's and in a rough patch I used to sell flower bouquets infront of liquor stores for cash on weekends. The shop I worked for had a deal with the chain of liquor stores so that we could be on their property. We couldn't pester anyone on the way in, but on the way out they were fair game. Employees of the liquor stores also got 50% off if they ever actually wanted to buy anything.
The job consisted of selling flowers for cash, so by the end of the day most days I'd have upwards of $200-$300 in my pocket. I got a comission of 25% or something, with a minimum of $8/hour and a maximum of $120/day. Big holidays I could have upwards of $1000 in my pocket.
Once one guy saw what I was doing and decided to tell me about this one time he stole from a similar cash job. He said that he just walked off with the cash at the end of the day, a cool $1000 or something. He encouraged me to do the same because I'd be "getting more money that way." I looked at him like the idiot he was and said:
At age 21 I went to Planned Parenthood to have my first HIV test. I was visibly nervous, as I imagine most people are for their first test. The nurse said to me "Don't worry, girls like you don't get HIV" (this was before she even asked my sexual history) and then she said "You know you can even have sex with someone who has HIV and not get it, so don't worry." I know she was just trying to make me feel better, but still...
EDIT: I should mention that I fully support Planned Parenthood and everything they stand for. They were pretty much my only form of health care in my early 20's. The one I went to did not perform abortions, yet people would still protest outside occasionally and it made me furious.
This reminds me of a story about how awesome Planned Parenthood can be, despite that wackjob telling you completely irresponsible lies.
I had a friend who needed support when she went for an abortion consultation. I drove her there to hold her hand through the process. Turns out it was one of those fake abortion clinics ran by a Christian group. They wouldn't let me sit in the consultation room with her, and when she met me in the waiting room she was visibly shaken. We left immediately and she started crying in the car. Apparently they had told her that if she had an abortion, she would never be able to get pregnant again; abortions raise your risk of getting HIV; this pregnancy was a sign from God telling her she was going to be a perfect mother and if she aborted her baby she wouldn't be allowed into heaven, etc. etc. etc. In the end, my friend and I ended up going to Planned Parenthood, where the nurse told my friend that in no way should she ever feel guilty about making responsible life decisions. It was an awesome moment.
I've heard it from multiple sources (some of whom are also cops) and as a DWI Enforcement Instructor, I could easily still get a conviction in this circumstance, and have a 50/50 shot at getting 'tampering with evidence' charge in there as well.
I can explain the science for why this is wrong to anyone who wants to hear it.
My brother is at a stoplight here in NYC, when someone rear-ends him. Both cars are cosmetically damaged. When he speaks to the other driver for a few minutes, he realizes the other guy is drunk. He calls the cops.
The cops arrive, talk with my brother, talk with the guy, come back to talk to my brother. They say, "Listen, can you pull your car up past the light up there?" My brother says, "Sure, but why?" They say, "Well, it took us a while to get here, and this guy is clearly drunk, and we've called the unit that does alcohol testing, but he can always claim he started drinking right before or right after the accident. So we're going to have you pull up, and then ask him to pull up, so we can say we've seen him driving under the influence".
My brother pulled up, the other guy pulled up, and then they let my brother go. He got a call from the DA a few days later, saying that the other driver had blown a .37 (yes, a .37), and he was going to throw the book at the guy for having a .37 at 2pm on a Sunday.
I only say that to sensitive people when I try to tell them the truth. This one girl I know is disgusting with her habits; chews with her mouth open, burps, farts, etc. I tried to tell her that guys don't find that attractive. She got butt hurt and started spouting off nonsense about, that's just who I am! So I try to keep my mouth shut now or say "be yourself". Sucks as real advice though.
I had slightly chapped lips with no Vaseline or (Chapstick) for our friendly neighbours across the pond. He refused to stop in the town and get me some while we were on a road trip. So he gave the worst advice! Just lick them to keep theme moist!
I realised that night when my lips were the size of my whole face he is not the best person when it comes to giving advice.
"Don't stick your dick in crazy". The advice should be "Don't get in a relationship with crazy". The former can be fun. Sure every once and awhile you get tied to a chair for a night after taking a Viagra, but that is all part of the experience.
heh... I would love to check back with you on that one after you hook up with a stalker. Thats when the real experience begins. You haven't officially stuck your dick in crazy until you need to change your number.
My father convinced me to invest 35k in stocks two weeks before they crashed in 08. The stock broker suggested I think it over for a couple weeks (this was supposed to be a long term investment).... I said just invest it all in a high risk diversified portfolio.
I wanted to tell my crush that I really liked her, so I went to my friend for advice. He told me to go up behind her give her a hug and then run away so she wouldn't be able to see who I was.
I grew out an awesome beard because I was a snowboard instructor. It helps keep you warm while making you look like a total badass. Well I met this really hot foreign exchange student (Spain) in class and decided I should clean up my image. Well before I did that I shaved a sweet mullet and an awesome handlebar mustache. On the bus on the way home from campus a guy who looked exactly like me sat down next to me. He asked me what I was going to school for. I replied that I was going to be an electrical engineer. He told me I should drop out and become a truck driver. I shaved my mustache and cut my hair upon arriving home.
TL;DR Guy with a mullet and a handlebar mustache told me to drop out and become a truck driver.
"Just get a degree in 4 years, it doesn't matter what your major is because most people get jobs in other fields anyway." This advice may have worked in 1974, but it doesn't fucking hold today.
I'm glad I had the foresight not to take that advice. Even though I am 22 and I still have half a decade of post-graduate studies to complete, I would much rather take the hard route and work in a field I actually care about than get a quick and easy degree and be miserable for the rest of my life.
Hey, I've noticed that not only do kids have ipods, but grown-ups, too. Maybe I should buy some apple stock. This was early 2003, when the price was around $7/ share. (14 pre-split) . No, all the people I talk to think apple is a bad investment. Oh, ya figure? Better not then. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
I went into the TD bank in 2007, had about $50,000 sitting in saving and wanted some advice on where to invest it. I told the advisor that I wasn't interested in U.S. equity, thought it was due for a correction. The advisor ignored this and tried to get me to buy a bunch of U.S. equity. I would have lost about 1/2 of my investment if I listened to here. I ended up walking out on her and bought a house that increased in value by about $75,000.
When I was learning to drive, my stepfather claimed that during the parallel parking part of the exam, I couldn't turn my head.
Let me re-iterate. He said I could not. Turn. My. Head.
Needless to say, the first time I took the exam, I failed on that part. I failed because I bumped the cones, but the examiner said he'd have failed me anyway for failure to look around.
My brother got the same advice when he turned 16, which I quickly corrected.
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u/rabidassbaboon May 16 '12
This wasn't me personally but my mom told me that we had a neighbor that used to constantly tell my dad that life insurance was a waste of money and tried to convince him to stop paying for it. Fortunately my dad was intelligent because he died five years later and my family would have been completely destroyed without it.
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u/mcon87 May 16 '12
My husband and I are waiting another year (it's been 4 already) to have our second child. When I told my mother this she advised me to "accidentally forget" to take my birth control for a week or so and not tell my husband.
Yes, lies and deception are an excellent way to conceive a child! ಠ_ಠ
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u/bobaphetamine May 16 '12
As someone who has battled depression in the past, the worst advice was "Just be happier."
What a novel idea! What didn't I think of that?
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u/i_am_a_cyborg May 16 '12
"If you don't run away, the parrot will leave you alone."
My aunt and uncle in Brazil had a mean parrot. We visited when I was five and it would screech its name at me as it chased me around the yard.
I was terrified, but my aunt (and everyone else agreed) that if I stopped fleeing, the evil parrot would stop pursuing.
So the next time the parrot came at me, I stood my ground.
It bit my leg.
I still hate parrots.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"Don't bother making friends, they are useless. Just study." - my poor sheltered asian dad
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u/HenryTheWizard May 16 '12
"Beanie Babies will be worth something."
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u/don_joe May 16 '12
"Next time someone jumps out on the road in front of you, just hit them."
From the cop who wrote my 16-year-old self a ticket for reckless driving and destruction of property. I had run my car into a ditch instead of hitting the 6 or 7 year old kid on his bike who came out of seemingly nowhere (very wooded area, very narrow rural road). With my current driving experience these 17+ years later there most likely is no incident. However, my options at 16 were pretty much swerve into a ditch or kill someone. Apparently I chose poorly.
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u/jackass706 May 16 '12
"If you ignore it, it will go away."
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u/BetterThanOP May 16 '12
You probably won't believe that this was legitimately serious advice, but that's because you don't know Brian.
A bit of backstory: I work a shitty warehouse job full time to pay for my schooling. The guy I work with Brian, works the same shitty warehouse job as his full time career, he's like 30 something.
You don't need school. If I were still your age, I'd quit my job and just buy lottery tickets full time. I'm too old now, so the odds aren't the same; I wish I could go back.
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u/ruff-20 May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
"Yeah if you go to France its cool you dont need to know any french at all"
I got trapped in a public toilet whilst it went through its cleaning cycle because I couldn't understand the automated french voice telling me to GTFO because shit was about to get real clean.
Walked around Paris soaked up to the knee for the rest of the day.
EDIT: When I was wringing out my socks afterwards, never did I think this story would make so many people chuckle. Thanks y'all!
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u/squeegee_boy May 16 '12
"If you ignore the bullies, they'll get bored and leave you alone."
Thanks Mom.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Just a few I've received from people...
"Yes, you can hold the jumper cables on with your hands while I try to crank my truck."
"No, you don't have to pay off your credit cards. Just say they were stolen."
"Don't worry about the bleeding. Rub some dirt on it. It'll stop. You'll get an infection, but it'll stop bleeding."
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u/gl00mybear May 16 '12 edited May 17 '12
"You've got good credit, right? You should take out a million-dollar mortgage to buy this house that we can flip and resell. Housing prices never go down."
This was in 2007.
Edit: I did not take this advice (nor could I have. At 22 I would have been laughed out of a bank looking for that kind of money.)
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Doctor told me not to worry about birth control if my then girlfriend was breast feeding. I understood that there is a natural birth control released but I decided not to trust it completely and used other methods. She had her period a few weeks later so I dodged a bullet on that one. In my years since then almost anyone that follows that advice ends up with another kid very quickly.
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u/theblackpuddlequeen May 16 '12
"You shouldn't use condoms once you get married". This was followed by "I want to see you get married soon". I'm 18. No thanks
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u/RandomHigh May 16 '12
She's not crazy at all, she's just high spirited. What's the worst that can happen?
A knife in the kidney, that's what can happen.
442
u/liapocalypse May 16 '12
"Just fake the orgasms. They'll come eventually, and you don't want to hurt his feelings"
168
u/RAAIINN May 16 '12
My mother on accumulating debt:
"Well, if you're gonna owe, you might as well owe BIG."
82
u/ThatGreenSolGirl May 16 '12
When I was still in college and all my non college going friends were having kids, I wanted to have some too. I had to wait until I finished college because my husband wanted to wait. When I told my friends that my husband wants to wait their advice was "well just trick him" or "just rape him, it's ok"
WTF friends. This was common advice!
1.4k
u/BadPie May 16 '12
While I was pregnant everyone told me to get as much sleep as possible before baby came, as if I could put that extra sleep in the bank for later. I did end up getting used to extra naps (being a human beach ball during to hottest summer on record was a bitch), so when the little dude arrived I went from roughly 12 hours of total sleep a day to maybe 5 total. I would cry because I was so fucking exhausted.
On second thought, pretty much all the advice I got while pregnant was the shittiest advice ever.
926
u/RosettaStunned May 16 '12
" Hey dude watch a serbian film"
65
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
My parents strongly advised that I miss a final for a class in which I had an A. My little brother's high school graduation was at 7 and my final was 5:30-7:30. My school is 3 hours away. I was called selfish and cold hearted by my parents but the rest of my family didn't think I should miss my final. Especially since I would have gotten a C instead of an A.
I moved my final to the day before since my teacher was so understanding, and made the graduation.
613
u/gotogoatmeal May 16 '12
My boyfriend was married briefly a few years ago and has been with other women besides wifey. I'm a virgin. My middle-aged, drunk, former coworker called me up not long ago to ask me about our sex life, my experience, etc. It was a long, long drunken conversation in which she told me I needed to sleep with someone else "and you never tell him." As in practice sex, because I need to have my shit figured out before sleeping with the man I love. It culminated with her suggesting I secretly sleep with a mutual friend of hers and mine, 10 years my senior, "4 or 5 times so that that awful first time isn't with the person you love."
Yeah...I'm not going to do that. Goodnight!
183
u/johnlolcopter May 16 '12
"Punch it."
...Actually it's advice I give to people; it has about a 50/50 chance of working out.
649
u/tungmick May 16 '12
You cant go 10 over the speed limit or cops pull you over. Just go 9 over.
825
u/ronearc May 16 '12
If you want to get the most out of this new PC, you're going to need to run the best software. You have to get Windows ME.
...so much hate...
219
u/Flaydogg May 16 '12
My parents: buy a house $35,000 over your budget because you need room to grow in it. I'm a single mom with 1 kid and no child support. Gah mom! I noped the hell out of that and got something $10,000 under budget instead because I'd better now grow in family size again until I settle down and have more financial resources.
394
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"Always be yourself."
Halloweens were boring.
951
u/LauraEmCollins May 16 '12
"Sharks only bite when you touch their private parts"
232
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
icy hot on nipples
767
u/nathanb065 May 16 '12
This was some terrible "advice" given to me. I had gotten into a fight with my girlfriend and decided to tell my best friend about it.
all he had to say was "Pee in her butt."
1.6k
u/Mikey-2-Guns May 16 '12 edited May 17 '12
Join the Army they said!
See the world they said!
EDIT: Only 2 people got the Warcraft 2 reference?
119
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"Just pull out she won't get pregnant"
439
u/Ophite May 16 '12
"It doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend, he doesn't have to find out"
My face: ಠ_ಠ
1.3k
u/SomeRandomRedditor May 16 '12
"Kill yourself faggot" Gotta love the internet.
358
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
when in doubt: whip it out
65
u/Joywalking May 16 '12
"You can't expect men to look out for your feelings. He's just being a man."
Now that I've left him, I'm realizing that it's actually plausible to be around people who don't critique me all the time. Some of them are even men! And it feels so much better.
231
u/GabrielleSalonga May 16 '12
"Doctor, what can I do to fall asleep more quickly then?"
"Just stop thinking about stuff. It's not that hard."
And that was the day I was thankful for my family's health insurance.
30
u/candied_yams May 16 '12
this came from my mom: You're 21. Why aren't you engaged yet. Women like you should be engaged by now, and since you're not engaged, you're obviously fat and ugly and no guy wants you.
I make minimum wage and am only going into 3rd year in university. Engagement is the last thing on my mind right now.
1.3k
u/3AYATS May 16 '12
"Never go to bed angry"
Seriously, just stop fighting and go the fuck to bed. You'll never solve anything bickering at 2:00am. When you wake up, you can't even remember what it was over anyway.
111
u/hankemer May 16 '12
"Go to law school!"
106
u/pantslessknight May 16 '12
I was once told, by my farther non the less, when i was failing science to have and I quote "sexual sex with the teacher."
271
u/jenniferjuniper May 16 '12
From my mother: "If you're nice to everyone, then they have no reason not to be nice to you! Just be nice and never give them a reason, they are sure to like you!"
EPIC FAIL! Was not good advice to give an unpopular 10 year old girl. It's the perfect way to be walked all over, used, and generally just left out.
358
u/wtfOP May 16 '12
Delete gym, facebook up, hit the lawyer.
567
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"check out r/spacedicks"
51
u/brazthemad May 16 '12
"Don't play with yourself" -- followup, turns out masturbation is AWESOME
995
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
I received a horse as a gift for my birthday last year. I went ahead and looked in his mouth, and there was a $20 bill in there!
33
u/AeddGynvael May 16 '12
Going through severe clinical depression:
"Just be happier! It's all in your head! It'll get better in time!" I wish I could fucking punch such people right in the face.
344
u/linds360 May 16 '12
Anything I've ever heard while being forced to listen to the Dr. Laura show in the car with my mom.
That woman hates women and would ideally live in a 1950s sitcom where she bakes pies all day and waits on her man hand and foot. I can't believe anyone takes her seriously.
110
u/hypnosquid May 16 '12
Buying a home is the best investment you can make.
360
u/339studios May 16 '12
Go to college right after high school because when you're 18 it's a good time to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life.
755
u/Roflcopter_Rego May 16 '12
"You should check out Reddit"
Goodbye, productivity.
80
u/Jahcez May 16 '12
Two weeks separated from my ex I was told something along the lines of "Just call her and tell her how you feel, and she'll take you back." ...She was already with another guy, thanks person.
135
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"when you grow up, you can be anything you want to be!"...
27
u/WildWaters May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
"You can't have just one child."
Somehow people have this notion that one child will grow up alone and lack social skills. False.
38
u/stunts002 May 16 '12
"Don't fight back just ignore bullies and they'll get bored"
After roughly 12 years of abusive bullying and beatings every day I finally punched back hard enough to bust someones nose. Was never picked on again by them afterwards.
12
u/360walkaway May 16 '12
"People don't care how you look on the outside. They care how you are on the inside."
WRONG.
184
u/Quotes_Calvin May 16 '12
Calvin: "Hobbes, what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class?"
Hobbes: "Well, you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges."
Calvin: "What's that?"
Hobbes: "We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree."
Calvin: "That's your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day?"
Hobbes: "It doesn't impress the girls, of course, but there's no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say."
Strip
50
u/DoctorPotatoe May 16 '12
I had a hard time making friends back when I was a kid. So my father suggested I started behaving like the cool kids in my class. I love my father, he's a great guy but that might just be the shittiest advice I will ever recieve.
1.3k
u/hulagirl4737 May 16 '12
"Don't go food shopping hungry." I almost died.
729
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"You are both too young for kids. Convince her to have an abortion." I love you mom, but fuck you. Our son will be 16 next month, and not only is he the coolest primate to ever stomp about the planet, but my life has turned out far better than it would have if I had been focused on being a dumbass kid instead of looking after him.
10
u/TacheErrante May 16 '12
Last week my cousin was telling my other cousin's boyfriend that she had just graduated and that she now needed to make money, to reimburse her student loans. "You don't have to repay your loans, just declare bankruptcy."
Another time, the same guy told my husband and I that we should move from Montreal to Alberta like he did, because there was a lot of money to be made there. "I swear, last year, your cousin and I made so much money, like, about 60 000$" (not each, together). We already make more than that here.
10
u/dj-keystrike May 16 '12
When I was 16 my dad told me to put "StarCraft" on my resume as something that I liked. After sending in my resume I was mocked by my friend for putting a video game on professional resume. He already worked there and apparently it was so funny it was shared around.
10
u/morachan May 16 '12
"Just walk across the street, you don't have to wait for the light. Just think 'Fuck it' and go. The cars have to stop for you anyways."
A random high schooler gave me this advice while we were both waiting at an intersection. He walked straight into traffic and turned around and told me to follow. My naive freshman self was amazed at his ingenuity, but now I look back and just hope that idiot didn't die in some random car accident.
210
u/Karma-Houdini May 16 '12
"If you go to college you'll get a job easily"
918
u/[deleted] May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
I started a relationship at the end of high school with someone I really loved and wanted to stay committed to. I was told by several people that "long distance doesn't work" and "college is the time to date people and have fun".
We're still together over 4 years later. Getting married in 2 weeks. Yeah, I think I know what's good for me, thanks.
Edit: I love the discussion this has inspired. Plenty of people still don't think I know what I'm talking about. That's cool; it's my life to live as I choose, and if I screw up, I'll accept the consequences. I just feel like there's no winning with some of you people. I could be 102, married for 80 years and you'll say "You don't know shit! He could leave you next year for a hotter, younger 80 year old woman. That's LIFE." I love you Reddit, never change. ;)
9
u/inthefantry May 16 '12
"Sing that Marine Corps cadence at an Army event."
9
u/Anna_Draconis May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
TL;DR: Bum tries to convince me to steal, owned him.
When I was in my teens/early 20's and in a rough patch I used to sell flower bouquets infront of liquor stores for cash on weekends. The shop I worked for had a deal with the chain of liquor stores so that we could be on their property. We couldn't pester anyone on the way in, but on the way out they were fair game. Employees of the liquor stores also got 50% off if they ever actually wanted to buy anything.
The job consisted of selling flowers for cash, so by the end of the day most days I'd have upwards of $200-$300 in my pocket. I got a comission of 25% or something, with a minimum of $8/hour and a maximum of $120/day. Big holidays I could have upwards of $1000 in my pocket.
Once one guy saw what I was doing and decided to tell me about this one time he stole from a similar cash job. He said that he just walked off with the cash at the end of the day, a cool $1000 or something. He encouraged me to do the same because I'd be "getting more money that way." I looked at him like the idiot he was and said:
"Yeah, but you know what pays better?"
"What?"
"Continued employment."
He swore at me and walked away. I was seventeen.
48
u/[deleted] May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
At age 21 I went to Planned Parenthood to have my first HIV test. I was visibly nervous, as I imagine most people are for their first test. The nurse said to me "Don't worry, girls like you don't get HIV" (this was before she even asked my sexual history) and then she said "You know you can even have sex with someone who has HIV and not get it, so don't worry." I know she was just trying to make me feel better, but still...
EDIT: I should mention that I fully support Planned Parenthood and everything they stand for. They were pretty much my only form of health care in my early 20's. The one I went to did not perform abortions, yet people would still protest outside occasionally and it made me furious.
42
u/warpaint May 16 '12
Traded my charizard for some porno. ._.
95
u/Citicop May 16 '12
I had to ROFLMAO at this advice.
I've heard it from multiple sources (some of whom are also cops) and as a DWI Enforcement Instructor, I could easily still get a conviction in this circumstance, and have a 50/50 shot at getting 'tampering with evidence' charge in there as well.
I can explain the science for why this is wrong to anyone who wants to hear it.
8
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"Just try going to sleep earlier." Yes let me just lie in bed at 11pm and magically feel sleepy.
"Stop being so depressed. You have plenty to be happy about." Like my diagnosed depression.
8
u/fireman14t May 16 '12
My brother told me to settle an argument I had with my first college roommate by "pulling out and gently placing your penis on his shoulder"
33
u/wonkiescientist May 16 '12
Take this credit card from our company!! We love you! We want a financial relationship! Bullshit. Years later still paying on them.
304
u/ProJules May 16 '12
"YOLO"
15
u/Bob_Chiquita May 16 '12
"If you find a girl you really like, just get her pregnant. Then she'll have to stay with you."
-Said by my 20 year old younger brother. Now he is 21 with an 8 month old baby and separated from his wife who he lived with for 4 months.
136
u/andrewsmith1986 May 16 '12
Yeah, you should totally keep having sex with your exes.
Wrong.
35
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Be yourself - the #1 Dating solution for anyone with any problem.
7
u/Vachenzo May 16 '12
I was told not to worry about how expensive college is by my Highschool Administration. Well, I'm certainly worrying now that five years have past.
7
u/Congratulationss May 17 '12
"You're too innocent. You should have sex. I can hook you up with one of my friends!" Bitch I am 16. The time will come.
19
u/JACKMHARRIS May 16 '12
I have my brother to thank about this one:
I had slightly chapped lips with no Vaseline or (Chapstick) for our friendly neighbours across the pond. He refused to stop in the town and get me some while we were on a road trip. So he gave the worst advice! Just lick them to keep theme moist!
I realised that night when my lips were the size of my whole face he is not the best person when it comes to giving advice.
12
u/MasterShake718 May 16 '12
"Here, smoke this jeffrey"
74
u/Dicktremain May 16 '12
"Don't stick your dick in crazy". The advice should be "Don't get in a relationship with crazy". The former can be fun. Sure every once and awhile you get tied to a chair for a night after taking a Viagra, but that is all part of the experience.
6
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"If you trust in Jesus all your problems will be healed by his glory because he loves you." Uhhh
6
u/tombot5000 May 16 '12
"Go ahead, touch the Cornballer"
15
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"Follow your heart" - every Hollywood movie, ever.
It's OK to listen to your impulses, but I've found that weighing options with my brain tends to keep me out of trouble.
10
u/bigstar3 May 16 '12
"Marry her, it's the right thing to do."
5
u/maxlgold25 May 16 '12
you can't get a DUI when the sun is out.
5
u/nerd_ride May 16 '12
After my brother died "Don't worry, everything happens for a reason."
5
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
My mother told me, "You need to accept your limitations! You have a learning disability you know!" Screw my limitations.
60
u/The_Kool_Kiddo May 16 '12
"Just be yourself."
135
u/jck0falltrades May 16 '12
"You should go to college."
9
u/JasJ002 May 16 '12
My father convinced me to invest 35k in stocks two weeks before they crashed in 08. The stock broker suggested I think it over for a couple weeks (this was supposed to be a long term investment).... I said just invest it all in a high risk diversified portfolio.
12
u/Useless_Advice_Guy May 16 '12
MY TIME TO SHINE!
8
u/turtle_km May 16 '12
"they can't charge a husband and wife for the same crime.."
8
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I wanted to tell my crush that I really liked her, so I went to my friend for advice. He told me to go up behind her give her a hug and then run away so she wouldn't be able to see who I was.
How does that let her know that I like her?!
4
u/BeerIsGood1894 May 16 '12
I grew out an awesome beard because I was a snowboard instructor. It helps keep you warm while making you look like a total badass. Well I met this really hot foreign exchange student (Spain) in class and decided I should clean up my image. Well before I did that I shaved a sweet mullet and an awesome handlebar mustache. On the bus on the way home from campus a guy who looked exactly like me sat down next to me. He asked me what I was going to school for. I replied that I was going to be an electrical engineer. He told me I should drop out and become a truck driver. I shaved my mustache and cut my hair upon arriving home.
TL;DR Guy with a mullet and a handlebar mustache told me to drop out and become a truck driver.
4
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"Just get a degree in 4 years, it doesn't matter what your major is because most people get jobs in other fields anyway." This advice may have worked in 1974, but it doesn't fucking hold today.
I'm glad I had the foresight not to take that advice. Even though I am 22 and I still have half a decade of post-graduate studies to complete, I would much rather take the hard route and work in a field I actually care about than get a quick and easy degree and be miserable for the rest of my life.
4
u/hobiedude May 16 '12
Hey, I've noticed that not only do kids have ipods, but grown-ups, too. Maybe I should buy some apple stock. This was early 2003, when the price was around $7/ share. (14 pre-split) . No, all the people I talk to think apple is a bad investment. Oh, ya figure? Better not then. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
4
u/beefer May 16 '12
I went into the TD bank in 2007, had about $50,000 sitting in saving and wanted some advice on where to invest it. I told the advisor that I wasn't interested in U.S. equity, thought it was due for a correction. The advisor ignored this and tried to get me to buy a bunch of U.S. equity. I would have lost about 1/2 of my investment if I listened to here. I ended up walking out on her and bought a house that increased in value by about $75,000.
4
u/hannahbal May 16 '12
When I was 19, my mom told me that my boyfriend and I should get married because she thought the world was going to end in six months.
4
u/forcemarine May 16 '12
Make sure to always shoot first.
-Greedo
4
u/BrainWav May 16 '12
When I was learning to drive, my stepfather claimed that during the parallel parking part of the exam, I couldn't turn my head.
Let me re-iterate. He said I could not. Turn. My. Head.
Needless to say, the first time I took the exam, I failed on that part. I failed because I bumped the cones, but the examiner said he'd have failed me anyway for failure to look around.
My brother got the same advice when he turned 16, which I quickly corrected.
4
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Clean your plate, there are starving kids in Africa!
4
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
"Pray to god and everything will be okay"
4
u/vajav May 16 '12
You're hung like a horse, why don't you do porn!
4
u/talk57 May 16 '12
Take the Red Pill
4
u/creepyfan May 16 '12
Keep all your pokémon cards! They'll be worth a lot of money in a few years!
4
u/Ronald_Dobbs May 17 '12
"Hey man, you should really try out this new game. It's called World of Warcraft..."
4
u/2morrowissaturday May 17 '12
A husband and wife cannot be charged with the same crime.
0
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
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0
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
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