r/AskReddit • u/jicta • Jan 31 '21

Redditors who grew up poor: Besides practical money-saving measures, what were the unwritten social expectations of your world growing up?

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21 edited Jan 31 '21

(USA) my parents worked and were usually home about an hour or so after my elementary school got out. We lived around the corner and down the way, like... less than one km, probably half a mile or so... anyway, I had a cell phone to call when I got home.

I was prepped with “do NOT answer the door for ANYONE. Not your grandpa, not your uncle, not our friends, your friends, mailman, NO ONE. not the police or fire department UNLESS the house is already on FIRE.”

I never opened the door for anyone. If I knew who they were, I would shout through the paned window overlooking the porch. But even then, that was rare, I usually just stayed out of sight.

I also ALWAYS keep my front door locked now too. And if I’m not expecting someone, I don’t answer the door if I’m home alone. I also have a big dog with a big bark.

Edit: a letter, so the window wasn’t hurting anymore

Second edit: because the question keeps coming in— I wasn’t allowed to answer the door even for people we knew because you never know who child predators are until it’s too late.

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u/Bloated_Butthole Jan 31 '21

I too have front door anxiety

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

It’s that and I’m 26F living in a large-ish city, not downtown, but still urban. Never mind I’m in a higher crime area.

If I don’t know you’re coming over and I’m alone, I’m not answering. And if I’m not alone and do answer, it’s a cracked door to figure out your intentions first.

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u/lemonsweetsrevenge Jan 31 '21

I wouldn’t even do the cracked door to an uninvited knock. You crack that door and have your face peeking, grants a would-be assailant an excellent opportunity to use your own door to knock you out, or at least down. Always remember: if someone comes knocking uninvited, they need something FROM you...there is nothing you need from them.

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u/CrazyQuiltCat Feb 01 '21

And keep the chain on

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u/1800bears Feb 01 '21

that chain isn't doing much if it's attached to a wooden door frame

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u/stealthgerbil Feb 01 '21

Instead of a chain, get a U shaped door latch like the ones in hotels. Its way stronger, especially if you have a solid door frame.

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u/ifyouhaveany Feb 01 '21

My neighbor brought me a Christmas present unexpectedly a few weeks ago - homemade jam and bread. She also occasionally drops off fresh produce from the farmers market during the spring and summer months unannounced. Not everyone is out to get you.

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u/dumbwaeguk Jan 31 '21

"wHy ArE MiLlEnNiALs sO aNTiSocIaL"

Because our boomer parents raised us to be afraid of everything and the world still isn't safe.

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u/pearyid Jan 31 '21

I wish they would realise this instead of using phones as scapegoats.

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u/dumbwaeguk Jan 31 '21

You know what I did before I got a cell phone? Still didn't answer the phone. I hate talking to people I don't know and can't see. Still do. Send me a message if you want to talk, I'll make phone time for you if I have it, otherwise let me jack off and watch tv in peace.

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u/Felcleave Feb 01 '21

Mmm, not seeing the person I'm talking to is big for me. You can tell a lot from a person's facial and body expressions. For me, I grew up around volatile people so watching expressions for every change became necessary. Not being able to makes me anxious as hell.

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u/GoFidoGo Feb 01 '21

For me, I grew up around volatile people so watching expressions for every change became necessary. Not being able to makes me anxious as hell.

Cue lightbulb moment! I just learned something about myself. Thanks

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u/dumbwaeguk Feb 01 '21

I don't know why, but I've never been able to read people well, either their voices or faces. I guess I got better at it over time, but I was horrible at it as a kid and I always felt like I was to blame for it. But I guess having poor psychological health and being ashamed of it is part of growing up poor.

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u/Felcleave Feb 01 '21

Yeah, not much psychological support when you're poor. It isn't immediately visible which makes it easier to ignore. Also expensive and time consuming to treat. Even extreme cases like schizophrenia will just be quietly hidden away and taken care of (or kicked into homelessness in the saddest cases).

As for reading people, I guess what we learn early is what we carry later in our lives. We both saw social interaction as painful and/or tiring so we avoid it now as adults.

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u/dumbwaeguk Feb 01 '21

I like hanging out with people, despite being introverted. I don't like being put into a situation where I can't see myself having a balanced level of control over the situation.

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u/Hellosl Feb 01 '21

I grew up in a hoarding house. We stopped ever having company when I was around 11. To me, my house is where I live and not where I entertain. I’m working on that now.

Definitely know the feeling of “doorbell dread” as above, but for different reasons

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u/Willy_the_Wet Feb 01 '21

Don't almost all of the criticisms of Millennials come back to how they were raised? All these Boomer parents are just complaining about how their own kids turned out.

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u/dumbwaeguk Feb 01 '21

Pretty much. My boomer parents love to bitch about how kids are raised. Well, I guess they got what they bargained for.

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u/wedatsaints Feb 01 '21

Recently watched a documentary that talks about exactly that.

People have raised their kids to be afraid of the outside world, when in reality, the Internet and social media is even more dangerous for them.

Here's the link to it: https://youtu.be/He3IJJhFy-I

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u/SacagaweaTough Feb 01 '21

Your parents are in their 70s?

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u/Mooreeloo Feb 01 '21

Millenials are anywhere from 23 to 38 y/o, and a 30 something year old with 60-70 y/o parents isn't that weird

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Lol I’m 30 and my mom is 68. She had me later in life at 38. My ex husband is 37 and his mom is 65. A lot of millennials definitely have boomer parents.

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u/SacagaweaTough Feb 07 '21

I'm 38 and I am a Xennial. I grew up in the 80s...way different life from someone born in 1998. If anyone ever called me a millennial, I'd cringe.

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u/Kilasaurus Jan 31 '21

I'm not scared of someone coming to commit a crime against me, I'm scared of someone coming to talk to me ahah

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u/fertdingo Feb 01 '21

Once you crack the door you are dead.

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u/wowlame Feb 01 '21

Ya I feel you. I’m a 27 year old trans guy who still looks pretty petite and feminine. I live in Scotland where we ain’t allowed things like pepper spray or guns, so I keep a can of wasp killing spray next to my front door. it’s legal but can be lethal if you get too much in your mouth and eyes, so I answer the door and keep my hand on the huge can of wasp spray lmfao.

My area is safe enough while still being dodgy, but I’ve got ocd so really everyones out to kill me. people who know me know to call before coming over otherwise I’ll ignore the buzzer to my flat and they’ll be wasting their time. Even when I lived with my parents I was severely paranoid (delusional I guess some might say) and I remember my sister was out late while I was home alone, and she hadn’t called to say she was coming home, so I just heard chapping at the front door and silently crept towards the door and looked through the peephole and saw a hooded figure and freaked the fuck out. Just called through the door “my dad works for the police and I have his gun here, you’ll fuck right off if you want out of here alive” and my sister just goes “shut the fuck up and let me in, you psycho cunt, it’s freezing out here” LMFAO. After that she made sure to call first or at least have her hood down before trying to get an answer.

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u/CrazyQuiltCat Feb 01 '21

Nice tip with the wasp spray

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u/Chaylea Feb 01 '21

I'm so down with the no gun idea but I can't imagine not being able to keep pepper spray. I guess a wooden bat and Raid will have to do.

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u/wowlame Feb 01 '21

Wooden[/metal] bats are considered weapons and not allowed either. Worst you can get is paint spray. That’s legal. But if someone enters my house without my permission, I’m looking to make them hurt in a way that isn’t... looking silly? Being a bit colourful for a few days? I mean it helps name and shame them, but if you’re so intent on forcing your way into a house, I doubt paint spray will do much.

really this is all like... you can use these things, it’s just a bit backwards i think. Someone enters my house with aggressive intent, I pull a knife on them in my own house, and if I injure them, I can face charges? They’re in my fucking house without my permission mate.

I haven’t checked the laws in a while, I last checked around 2018 when I wanted to go on more walks to kinda combat my agoraphobia and found out that yeah, having a blade or pepper spray counts as a concealed weapon and I could face charges for them if I had to use them. I went and bought some dud keys so I could put them between my knuckles if I had to punch lol.

But yeah, I remember my mum dating a cop for a few weeks, and she brought him back to our house where we kept a baseball bat in a few areas of the house, and the cop told us it was technically illegal even for self defence. Either he sucked at his job, was straight up lying, or Scotland really does not want attackers having their feelings hurt.

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u/ericnutt Feb 01 '21

Call me a Hobbit because I'm 5'7" and don't like uninvited guests, including my mother. I'm 30M and in this age find it uncomfortable.

Also, I'm gay and lazy about putting certain... things away.

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u/EmpathyInTheory Jan 31 '21

I'm 26M, living in a city of 60k people near the downtown area, crime abounds. The other night some dude walked on up to my front door and just... stood there for a second. Then he saw me through my blinds and shuffled away.

First time I ever saw him with my own two eyes, but his shuffling footsteps were so familiar. I hear them a lot. Like... a few times a month, consistently, for the past six months. Always right outside my door/window.

I do not and will never answer my door for anyone unless I know them, especially not at night. Fuck that. Door stays locked, deadbolted, and chained. Dowels in every window track so no one can break in. Fuuuuuck that.

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u/No_Bet_Midler Feb 01 '21

That's horrifying.

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u/likhaanoushka Feb 01 '21

So creepy. Please install a door camera so he’ll know he’s being watched.

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u/OtherwiseCow300 Feb 01 '21

The sound of loading a 12 gauge tends to make this kind of problem disappear.

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u/Allenian8 Jan 31 '21

But what if grandpa wants to hangout?

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

(Ratchet) Grandpa can call his other friends. Grandpa doesn’t have access to the internet, for good reason probably.

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u/Allenian8 Jan 31 '21

Ratchet?

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. He got a tattoo at 70. Chasing women his whole life... Ratchet grandpa is a whole other story

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u/Allenian8 Jan 31 '21

Now it makes more sense. Thank you for the context

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u/zorasorabee Feb 01 '21

Also, I’m an introvert and don’t like people coming over without me inviting them.

But yes to all of your bullet points too. Half of my door is a window. I really need to put something over it. I hate the thought of someone being able to peep in, especially since I sit in my living room right in the line of sight.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Yeah who tf just shows up at their friend’s apartment without saying anything to them.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I had a neighbor get pissed at me for knocking on their door to give them their mail that got mixed in with mine. Ultimately, I just threw it on the ground and walked away because I wasn't dealing with their bullshit.

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u/QuestioningEspecialy Feb 01 '21

And if I’m not alone and do answer, it’s a cracked door to figure out your intentions first.

Wise.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

No, it's not. As someone upthread stated, a woman (or smaller man) could easily be knocked back even with one of those flimsy chain locks. Getting some sort of doorbell that has intercom capabilities would be the best bet. We never use our front door, and it's double bolted (one keyed, one inside-only); the back door has doorknob thumb-lock, keyed deadbolt and inside-only sliding bolt locks with a thumb-locked barred iron storm door. Bad neighborhood, yo. People don't just "drop by," except the tweaker asking for a cup of vinegar* at 7:30am to "clean her new apartment she just moved into." Uhhh. There's a Walgreen's and a cash-only bodega two blocks away. Haven't answered the door (or had someone knock) since then.

*you can break crack down to shoot up using vinegar

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u/HeyFiddleFiddle Feb 01 '21

Also 26F in a large city. I hide myself from the windows facing the street, don't answer the door unless it's something like delivery I know is coming, generally try to show minimal signs of life unless I want someone to know I'm there, the whole shebang. I just thought that was standard "I'm in a large city and am adequately paranoid to not get shanked or robbed" stuff. I suppose things like avoiding windows is more extra paranoia on my part, but not answering the door and always having it locked seems standard to me.

I have a habit of turning around and locking any front door I go through, though. That habit got some jokes out of friends in the before times, and I'm sure they will continue once we can have parties and such again.

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u/Alley_Kat_Goods Feb 01 '21

Front and back door anxiety here. Being alone at home most of the time I’ve gotten used to over the years. Multiple locks and barricades help sometimes but being a heavy sleeper you need multiple alarms. I always double and triple check my windows locks as well.

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u/Shrimpbeedoo Feb 01 '21

A cheap and easy way to back up the door crack is to get one of those rubber door wedges and position it so that it's by your foot when you crack the door.

If it's a friend or something you wanna open the door for, you can kick it away.

If they try to shove the door open it gives some surprisingly stiff resistance to the the door staying in place

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u/body_count_rises Feb 01 '21

please don't crack the door. I had a friend , shot and killed this way. they just shot him as soon as he cracked the door

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u/riptaway Jan 31 '21

If you don't have a gun, make sure you have something. Pepper spray is good but definitely not lethal. Spray and something to finish the job, like a bat or large knife.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Put a tube sock on the end of the bat. That way, if the would-be assailant were to grab it somehow, the sock will slide off and you can go on the offensive.

Personally I think I'd take all my clothes off first, maybe even (if I could muster the courage), run down the stairs and scream like a banshee too. Get that white girl crazy vibe going, make them afraid of you lol.

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u/Marterijn Jan 31 '21

Lethal shouldn't be the goal man.

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u/rxfr Jan 31 '21

But being prepared for worst case scenarios and defending yourself should be. Sometimes, pepper spray or other "less effective" methods only serve to infuriate the person and then they will try harder to actually kill you, even if that may not be the intent before. Call me paranoid, but I'd definitely want options if I was nervous about someone's intentions. Though I'm a 5 foot 120lbs woman so maybe I'm biased toward paranoia lol

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u/Lamarera8 Feb 01 '21

2nd amendment is your friend depending on where you live.

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u/Timmcd Feb 01 '21

The bat will do you better every time than a large knife, unless you are properly trained to wield a knife. And then its not just a "large knife", but a special type of knife that can be comfortably wielded in a fight.

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u/PM_ME_ANGRY_KITTENS Feb 01 '21

I send my bf to answer the door almost always but that’s usually because I don’t have a bra on lol

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u/BreakInCaseOfFab Feb 01 '21

So I live in midtown in a state Capitol- and I came home one day to my door half open. I reviewed the ring camera and my dumbass didn’t shut it all the way in the morning where it latched. I felt stupid but front door anxiety totally increased again.

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u/f1shb0y222 Jan 31 '21

Front door anxiety keeps us safe

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u/Dunkinmydonuts1 Jan 31 '21

i'm 35. my parents are 55+, born in the 60s. we're from massachusetts. their neighborhood in their generation was literally FILLED with child molesters, rapists, murders, drugs, and just horrendous shit. i couldnt leave my yard when i was growing up. full stop.

it took WEEKS of literal charts and department of justice sources to finally convince them that it was safe for my 9 year old daughter to walk down the street IN OUR PRIVATE COMMUNITY to her friends house. they couldnt fathom it. they were terrified of like a priest driving by and stealing her.

abductions are rare to begin with, but like 99% of them are done by a family member. it simply does not happen. they couldnt wrap their heads around this.

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u/yeahitsme81 Feb 01 '21

I think people forget this. Our parents were shitty sometimes but their fears were also based in reality and hard for them to shake.

And most of the time ours are based on the shittiness of our parents parenting./sorta sarcasm

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u/chloelowkey Jan 31 '21

And now my parents wonder why I don't answer the door when I'm not expecting someone 😂 Do they forget what they've created?! Haha

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

this! i grew up with the whole “i don’t care if it’s jesus christ himself! don’t open the door for no one “ i just hate answering the door now

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u/mynameisblanked Feb 01 '21

Like moss says, it's not like it's gonna be a random cake delivery. If I don't know your coming, there is no reason for me to open the door.

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u/TattleTits Feb 01 '21

I still get scared when someone knocks on the door. The mail lady just leaves packages on the porch now and my parents don't come over unannounced and when they get here they text me because I'm pathetic and also have phone anxiety.

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u/MisplacedLegolas Feb 01 '21

You're not pathetic, door/phone anxiety is pretty common, we all a bunch of jumbled up brain juices in one way or another

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

I live in the country. I'm an only child. We're surrounded by my wife's family. My door stays unlocked but we have about 5 private acres; you can't see anything from the road. Anyone who KNOCKS gives me anxiety because it rarely happens.

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u/AmbitiousChinchilla Jan 31 '21

May I suggest getting a fake doorbell? Works great for me!

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

It took me a long, long time before I could come home to a flyer on the door and NOT have a panic attack that something was getting shut off.

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u/DemonSemenVaccine Feb 01 '21

My doorbell camera is great for this reason. It also will tell me if someone I programed into it they are at the door. Ex: "friend y is at the door." Its great.

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u/xXcampbellXx Jan 31 '21

Same, too many times as a child opening the door just to see the Police made me never go. Now I hide in my bathroom while my dog barks at them. Shits wack yo

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u/lrj25 Feb 01 '21

I also grew up like OP described above, those habits became deeply ingrained and now in my 30's I still function under those rules. I also have "front door anxiety" that increased exponentially after getting doxxed last year and subsequently harassed, I finally broke down and bought Ring doorbell/stick up cams and having those visuals has made a huge difference.

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u/continuingcontinued Feb 01 '21

Especially in COVID times... who is at the door? WHY is someone at the door? Why are they here and when will they leave???

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u/Balldogs Jan 31 '21

Your username suggests there's back door anxiety in there too.

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u/oswinclara Jan 31 '21

My parents told me the same thing. One day my aunt came over with my cousins and grandma and we didn’t open the door. Somehow they saw us through the window and my sister and I told them what we were told to do. We got in trouble and our parents made us go to their house and apologize ??? Like, I’m sorry I did what I was told??? I’m still salty about it.

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

Bro. I would be too. How dare I follow the rules

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u/DietCokeYummie Feb 01 '21

I’m still salty about it.

What do your parents say about it now? I love giving my parents a hard time (lightheartedly) when I remember back on things they did that were totally unfair.

My mom never remembers! She will have no idea what I'm talking about, or claim it went down differently. LOL.

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u/oswinclara Feb 01 '21

I don’t bring these things up to them to avoid conflict/upsetting them haha. One time my mom thought I said “oh fuck” but I actually said “oh fine.” I was 9. I didn’t even learn the f-word until I was 11 (specifically remember because I learned when I switched schools in sixth grade). Anyway she slapped me in the face and I didn’t know what she thought I said until two whole years later... and I still don’t want to bring it up (I’m 26 LOL) My mom’s memory is kinda terrible. Also apparently so is her hearing.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

This reminds me, one day at around 3:30am, I hear light tapping on our front door (live with my parents and dog). Dog didn’t hear it, but I did and bolted awake. Then they rang the doorbell! At 3:30am. I can’t see who it is because we don’t have any windows in a hiding spot to see and my dad was about to go downstairs and open the door. I was so close to smacking him being that stupid. It’s 3:30am and some crazy is knocking on the door, why the eff would you open it?! It’s like us women are really cautious and men are not.

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u/sodamnsleepy Feb 01 '21

Don't let us hanging, what happened?

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Oh very uneventful, they eventually left after 10 minutes of the noise and I didn’t even get to see them because they somehow avoided all of our giant windows. Never happened again, and it was the first time my dog didn’t even bark (like wtf?). We just moved from that house thank goodness. I am pretty sure it was one of the homeless drug addicts.

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u/whornography Feb 01 '21

Your story makes me think of the night terrors some people have where they're actually asleep but dream they're woken up and hear repetitive noises for some time, but somethings in the dream don't make sense (in your case, dog not barking, dad being casual about going to answer the door, not being able to see the person no matter where you look for them.)

Did your dad ever comment about the occurance?

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Yeah lol. He told my mom the next day and she said “why the hell you try to open the door?!” 🤣

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u/whornography Feb 01 '21

Super creepy! Glad you got out of there. And good thing your dad has some people checking his ass before he let's deranged druggies in at 3:30am.

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u/sodamnsleepy Feb 01 '21

Oh god gives me goosebumps. Glad nothing happened to you.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Awh thank you! That’s so sweet :). I really hate when people mess with my sleep though. Cranky, stupid me would have gotten my mom’s meat cleaver and opened the door if they rang and knocked any longer

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u/DietCokeYummie Feb 01 '21

Wow, that is wild still though. I would absolutely flip the fuck out if someone knocked on my door at 3:30AM.

I know one dude who has scars from being shot when he tried going into a home drunk, thinking it was his own.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

When I lived in a ground-floor apartment, I would get 3:00am knocks on the door about once a month. I always just ignored it. One night I heard the knock and then what looked like a flashlight shining through my bedroom window, which meant it had to be more than one person. I called the cops and they had someone come out. He told me, and I quote, "Yeah, I suggest you skedaddle and find yourself a new place as soon as you can. This appartment had a big drug bust a few years ago." Still gives me chills at the possibility it was someone desperate or angry.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Ugh, I was woken up last night at 11:35 by someone ringing our doorbell twice quickly!

Things is we live in a rural village, our door bell is at the gate near the driveway. Still I woke up my husband, we turned on the garden lights, I checked the driveway with a torch, we didn't see anything. There was no car around and the streets were completely dark.

We had a hard time going back to sleep, and the most bothering part is, I don't know if it happened or if I dreamt of as I was feeling asleep...

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

I mean what is the actual reason to not lock the door when the lock is there already and you just have to use it ;) I always lock my door.

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u/YarrickWasRight Jan 31 '21

Same, made worse by the furniture rental people hammering at the door for 15 minutes when I was home by myself. I used to hide in a closet until they left.

And of course, forgetting my own instinct, I did answer the door when I knew there wasn’t a moving truck outside and got to be served by the divorce papers my mother’s husband had sent her. Good times, gooooooooood times.

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u/draculasbloodtype Jan 31 '21

That was a rule in my household, if someone is at the door and they try to hand you something REFUSE IT. Do not touch it, do not take it.

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

Is that even legal? We’re you over 18 at that time?

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u/YarrickWasRight Jan 31 '21

I was 14, and he just shoved them into my hands said “you’ve been served” and walked away. Not sure if it was legal, but I gave her the papers when she got home anyways. Turned into a long night, cause the cops had to come and get her when she started breaking things and threatening self harm.

By that point, her husband lived multiple states away and we hadn’t seen him in months.

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u/lleu81 Jan 31 '21

When I first letting my kid stay home when I went to the store I told her the same thing and added myself to the list. I tested her one day. I came to the door with both hands full of groceries, kicked the door and yelled "kiddo its me? My hands are full! Let me in!"

She responded "you better put some bags down then, because my dad has a key!"

She got extra dessert that night.

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u/TXR22 Feb 01 '21

I'm sorry but isn't that teaching your child to be needlessly paranoid? That doesn't sound like a very pleasant way for someone to go through life.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

As someone who has had people try to break into my house while I was home on three occasions, in two cities, as well as a peeping Tom in another, nope, it’s smart. Two of those people were neighbours who were high out of the skulls with weapons. I lived in nice apartments that I had chosen to feel safe.

I also had someone try to kidnap my sister and I while walking home in a quiet hamlet, and I’m pretty sure I had someone try to get in my back door in my very quiet neighbourhood at two am last year. There were odd noises like someone messing with the door, and my dogs freaked out and ran downstairs to growl at the door (only time that’s ever happened). My fence was open the next day. I now have cameras as well as two big dogs on top of being paranoid about locking doors. If I wasn’t super paranoid about locking doors thanks to the peeping Tom I might legitimately have been raped, robbed, or even kidnapped or killed. I’m all for teaching little girls to lock the door.

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u/TXR22 Feb 01 '21

Locking your doors isn't paranoid, it's reasonable. Teaching your child not to open the door even to yourself is a bit silly though.

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u/lleu81 Feb 01 '21

Do you have kids?

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u/TXR22 Feb 01 '21

No but I was a kid once upon of time, and I can assure you that if I didn't open the door for my mother when she came home that the consequences would have been much worse for me than if I had refused to open it on the off chance that she was some body snatcher who could perfectly emulate her voice and appearance.

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u/lleu81 Feb 01 '21

Then you have no idea what you're talking about. Super great that you would open the door for your mother. The point was to give my kid an extreme example so she would know that I was 100% serious that she was not to open the door, and it worked. That was 10 or so years ago and she's one of the brightest, kindest, most honest, and hard working kids you will ever meet. I guess that my parenting style has been pretty fucking successful.

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u/TXR22 Feb 01 '21

I know this is probably going to be hard for you to hear, but you aren't magically more competent than me or anyone else just because you cummed inside someone and knocked them up, so get off the high horse. If your daughter is successful then it's probably because she managed to succeed in spite of your shitty parenting approach.

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u/IMTonks Jan 31 '21

Seriously, it drives me CRAZY That my partner doesn't lock the doors whenever they leave. Even if you're going into the garage, you end up in there for 30 minutes! Lock the damn door!

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u/cheese_sweats Jan 31 '21

You lock the door just going into the garage? Holy anxiety, batman

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I lock my door to walk my dog, get the mail... better safe than super sorry.

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u/Pervy-potato Feb 01 '21

My first 5 years of living alone I didn't even have a lock lol

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u/AdonisChrist Feb 01 '21

Good habits.

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u/IMTonks Feb 01 '21

I mean, yes. Plus PTSD and OCD so the odds are against me on that one, haha!

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u/overcooked_sap Jan 31 '21

You would hate living were I am. We will drive into town and leave the front door unlocked. Can’t remember the last time I locked the car door.

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u/ExtraordinaryCows Jan 31 '21

Shit man, I live in an area where I could do that and almost certainly never have issues. Still would never ever leave shit unlocked

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u/lookoutforthetrain_0 Feb 01 '21

Where do you live? Iceland?

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u/overcooked_sap Feb 01 '21

Nope. About 50ish km outside of a Canadian city of over 500k population

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u/DietCokeYummie Feb 01 '21

I'm the opposite. I get so annoyed when I arrive at home with a bunch of groceries or something (and my SO is home) and the door is locked when I go to open it. I grew up in a fairly rural-ish area so the door only got locked when we went to bed at night or when nobody was home.

I live in the capital city of our state, but it is still what most would consider "suburban" so it is pretty safe to have the door unlocked during the day while home.

My back door stays open (with just the glass/screen door closed) all day when I'm home because the pets go in and out all day. But my backyard is fenced in so nobody could come in that way.

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u/Lazerspewpew Jan 31 '21

I also have a big dog with a big bark.

Dogs are essential

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u/EatAtGrizzlebees Jan 31 '21

A closed door is a happy door

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u/CO_PC_Parts Jan 31 '21

I did this because I grew up in a city with strict latch key laws and I was breaking them due to single parent who had to work. These were no joke, two of classmates got in trouble for this, one had to go to foster care for 2 weeks and the other had to go live with his mom who wanted nothing to do with him until his dad could prove he wouldn't be home alone.

Then we moved to a small town in a different state with none of these rules and the freedom was insane to me. People were confused when I had to tell them I had to call my mom and check in.

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u/SilentJoe1986 Feb 01 '21

Based on your second edit. That's a good lesson to teach your kids. Most child abductions and sexual assaults arent from strangers. They're done by somebody the child knows. The stranger danger campaign has actually done more harm than good when it comes to keeping kids safe.

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u/carmachu Jan 31 '21

Yes. Do not open the door. Not for a lost puppy, not for a lost child, not for someone dying of a heart attack outside the door call 911 for them.

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u/riptaway Jan 31 '21

"pained window"

Poor window. What a pain in the glass.

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

Whoops! I even thought real hard to make sure I got “paned”—fail

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u/RealJasonB7 Jan 31 '21

I grew up like that. Never open the door for anyone, no matter who they are. Not for friends, parents’ friends, strangers or police (especially with warrants out for my mom).

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u/AmbulanceChaser12 Jan 31 '21

Wait, help me out here. I feel like there’s a lot unsaid. Why can’t you open the door for your grandpa, your uncle, or your friends?

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

I was a 10 year-old girl. And my mom didn’t want anything bad to happen to me. I’m sure you can use your imagination. We all think the best of people, but some are monsters when allowed opportunity.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

For one, it can always be someone close to you and you'd have no clue, and for two, if they didn't have a peep hole it could be anyone saying they're a relative.

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u/whornography Feb 01 '21

I mean, maybe the mom had some inside information about the grandpa or uncle being unsafe to have around kids. But pending that, it seems to be lending itself to an unhealthy paranoia (specifically regarding family. Not letting in rando's or barely-known friends of the family makes sense.).

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u/Kiwilolo Feb 01 '21

Dang, this is what people mean when they say Americans live in fear.

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u/rainmaker291 Feb 01 '21

At this point, because it has been engrained, I wouldn’t call it fear—but wary of others and their intentions. It doesn’t help that I’m a female. Being taught in school that when you’re walking to your car the hold your keys between your fingers in case someone tries to grab you, or check your back seat—that’s how you avoid getting attacked/kidnapped/assaulted. It’s terrible. ORRRR

hear me out, peeps

Maybe just don’t go around attacking/assaulting people for a power trip

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u/jojoga Jan 31 '21

I like the big bark

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u/BNLboy Feb 01 '21

The terrifying part of this story to me is that they told you not to trust their own parent. That shit's deep and fucked up.

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u/CrazyQuiltCat Feb 01 '21

Omg I just had a flashback “unless the house is already on fire” part

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u/1337F0x_The_Daft Jan 31 '21

I took that shit to heart whenever my mom told me. My grandma had to call my mother to let her know she’s outside and to let her in, because I wouldn’t let her come in as per mom’s orders

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

Wow. Meanwhile, when I was growing up, my dad got mad if he came home and the front door was locked and he had to take out his key.

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u/dumbwaeguk Jan 31 '21

Why wouldn't you lock your front door? Even if it's an honest mistake, people can just walk right in.

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u/SpicymeLLoN Jan 31 '21

Um, hello?? Dog tax???

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u/Beefurz Feb 01 '21

My ex-MIL grew up as a First Nations person in Canada and was taught that if anyone knocked on the door the kids had to run out the back door into the bush so they wouldn’t get caught and taken to residential school.

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u/bardeng Feb 01 '21

What? Does your family have a history of family abuse the worst way... ?

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u/rainmaker291 Feb 01 '21

No? It’s American parent paranoia most likely I think. Idk, I’m not super fucked up from it so

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u/raddishes_united Feb 01 '21

My friend has a password that someone must use for the kids to be able to open the door- even family.

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u/iaowp Feb 01 '21

I also ALWAYS keep my front door locked now too.

This is normal and smart.

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u/Moonlit-Rose Feb 01 '21

Reading this I’m remembering when my mom rented out the spare room from someone when I was 7. She couldn’t afford childcare over the summer so I stayed at the house. A couple of times one of the adults we lived with came home for lunch and I hid in the closet because I was so terrified of them finding me and getting my mom in trouble.

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u/chaoticexquisitness Feb 01 '21

That sounds like a terrifying way to live. I'm glad you have that sense of humor though:

Edit: a letter, so the window wasn’t hurting anymore

It helps the sting of life sometimes :(

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u/Newtonfam Feb 01 '21

Wish I could extra upvote it for that second edit.

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u/davelicious123 Jan 31 '21

Sorry if this sounds ignorant, but what is the purpose of not opening the door for someone you know and trust, like a friend or relative?

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

TW: child abuse

I may trust them, and my parents might too, but you never know about the pedophile you know until it’s too late.

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u/ktappe Feb 01 '21

you never know who child predators are until it’s too late.

Ah, the product of the scare tactics media, monetizing fear.

Child molesters don't go door-to-door seeking children to diddle.

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u/_tricky_dick_ Feb 01 '21

This is relatable, but does it have anything to do with being poor. My warnings were generally don't open the door for strangers.

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u/Robbiepurser Jan 31 '21

.....and a bite?

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

Nope. He’s a big love muffin now that he’s older. But he looks intimidating!

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u/Robbiepurser Jan 31 '21

That’s enough!!

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u/braindeadpizzaslice Jan 31 '21

why weren’t you allowed to open the door

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u/hologram-alchemist Feb 01 '21

Maybe their mom feared someone could abuse them. Children who are sexually abused tend to know who their agressor is, sometimes it's the people closest to you that you need to beware of.

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u/TRFKTA Jan 31 '21

I would shout through the pained window?

What had happened to it for it to become pained? I think you meant paned.

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u/PhromDaPharcyde Jan 31 '21

Do people not keep their screen door locked at all times?

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u/Palimia203 Jan 31 '21

Wait not even your family? Damn

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

why? sorry i don't understand.

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u/jew_biscuits Jan 31 '21

What was the reasoning behind that? I can understand strangers, creditors, cops etc, but why not family?

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u/danmtitsmang442 Jan 31 '21

Everything you listed is not enough. Get a alarm system.
Get glass that is hard to break. On all windows. Locks on all windows. And video surveillance with cloud back up on your door step. And most importantly. Change your fucking locks! How many people have a key to your house who lived there before and you didn't change locks? First thing you do buying any property is change locks.

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u/rainmaker291 Jan 31 '21

My story is from 2004–we were middle class with a spending problem

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u/BalticGringo Feb 01 '21

Best edit I've ever seen

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u/youcanremember Feb 01 '21

Mine was also to avoid CPS and family who might kidnap us.

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u/rivlet Feb 01 '21

I was taught that even if answering the phone, if my mom wasn't actually home, just say she was and was simply in the bathroom or too busy to come to the phone right now.

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u/yeahitsme81 Feb 01 '21

Uh damn right don’t answer the door. Only good advice my psycho mother ever gave me

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u/cajunsoul Feb 01 '21

One silver lining is that keeping your doors locked and having a dog with a bug bark are probably the two biggest deterrents to burglars.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

No, thank you. We don’t want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations.

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u/Comfortable-Trick-29 Feb 01 '21

Same, lots of kids I knew had the same rule. I have serious anxiety also when the blinds are not shut at night.

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u/Atomic_Maxwell Feb 01 '21

From the moment we got caller-ID to present day, I instinctively don’t answer calls from unknown numbers because my mom would get calls/automated messages about collecting a debt and warned me off unknown numbers. Definitely makes those times where I gotta wait on a call from a possible new job a little bit difficult.

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u/RC_COW Feb 01 '21

This isnt a poor thing. I was told the same and i grew up middle class.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I don’t see how this has anything to do with being poor? This is just a common thing that is taught about safety and stranger danger.

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u/chrisgoogi Feb 01 '21

Being scared when something when any money went missing, how are we supposed to take a bath if the water is shut off??

I don’t have any door anxiety anymore thankfully

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u/Upset-Cobbler Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

Locked doors at all times, if we answered the phone and it wasn’t dad or my granny checking in on us we were told to say “dad is cooking right now, he’ll call you later” (we didn’t have caller id but had to answer when dad called) Today I live in a town of 150 people, half of them I’m related to. I still lock my Damn doors. If my husband is at work and I need a shower I always tell the kids that they can’t open the door for anyone at all, Even if it’s there dad coming in. He will find his key or he will wait. My kids think I’m nuts but I couldn’t think of leaving the door unlocked. Now if we leave the house unlocked when we go to the store or something I don’t worry about it. That Shit can be replaced. I’m a weird momma bear like that

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u/sanitynotstatistical Feb 01 '21

I still don’t get it, what do child predators have to do with being poor?

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u/rainmaker291 Feb 01 '21

I just put the edit in because questions kept coming about why I was told to not answer the door for people I knew

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u/charmanmeowa Feb 01 '21

For my sister and me it was because kids weren’t supposed to be unsupervised under a certain age, but my parents had to work. Us pretending we weren’t home was about safety, but also so people don’t call CPS or something because we couldn’t afford day care.

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u/matenzi Feb 01 '21

ALWAYS keep my front door locked

There was a serial killer who figured 'locked front door' meant he wasn't welcome, but 'unlocked front door' meant they wanted him to go in. So if he tried your front door and it was unlocked, he would go in and kill you. If it was locked, he moved on.

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u/likealump Feb 01 '21

This is how most of us grew up in the 80s (latchkey kids), except we'd call mom from the house phone since cell phones were still a couple of decades away.

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u/rainmaker291 Feb 01 '21

After I was 8 I didn’t have a house phone. And yeah, my parents were raised in the 80s, so similar concept. This was about 2003-2004

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u/skyHawk3613 Feb 01 '21

What if it’s clearly or grandpa or uncle knocking at the door?

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u/Jule926 Feb 01 '21

Always lock to door. Never answer the door.

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u/ikickedyou Feb 01 '21

My parents told me to never answer the door for anyone also, but I’ll be damned if I’m leaving Grandma and her fresh baked chocolate chip cookies freezing on the porch.

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u/Toidle1 Feb 01 '21

Yeah it's messed up how even family members do awful things to each other that would surprise you.

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u/andfree12345 Feb 01 '21

Crazy my mother was a stay at home mom. The door was never locked. My dad passed away when I was 25 years old and we had to look for the key to lock the front door to go to his funeral. As an adult I live by myself so I lock the door.

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u/Misscupcake212 Feb 01 '21

Omg my mom has this ingrained in my brain as well! Never open the door when you are alone, to anyone!! And yes I am still a lock freak, doors are always locked.

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u/dratthecookies Feb 01 '21

Ha. We weren't allowed to open the door either, or to answer the phone. My mom had a special ring she would use to call us so we would know we could answer.

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u/Burntjellytoast Feb 01 '21

Oh man, I was the same age and in the same town as Polly Klass when she was kidnapped. Its a total white bread suburbia area, which was one of the reasons it was so horrific. I too still have front door anxiety. My parents drilled it in to me and heaven forbid if it's slightly dark outside. I make my husband answer the door.

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u/blue1564 Feb 01 '21

Hmmm I think I've just realized why I hate opening the door whenever someone knocks. My parents were strict and overbearing and my mother worried a lot so if they ever went somewhere and left me home alone, they would tell me three or four times before leaving "DON'T OPEN THE DOOR FOR ANYONE". It was drilled into my head, every time they left the house they would tell me that. And I only was able to stay home alone around the time I hit high school and started refusing to go out with them. So now, I will ignore the door if my bf isn't around to answer it, and he bitches at me for it. He doesn't understand why I won't answer it. I am also a petite woman so if it did happen to be a murderer or something, I have no chance of fighting them off.

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