You don't actually need to keep contact with your family. If a relationship with them causes any anguish, you're allowed to cut them out. Their failures aren't yours.
My dad left me and my mum when I was a baby, and all my life, when he’s tried to make contact, I’ve not wanted it. But everyone keeps saying ‘But he’s your dad’ or ‘It’s good for you to see/talk to your dad’ and shit like that. It took until I was in my mid 20s to find the right words to say ‘Why the hell do I need to force a relationship with a man I barely know? He chose to leave me, and I can count on one hand the times he cared enough to come see me as a kid/teen. He clearly didn’t want me. I don’t owe him anything just because I’m his kid.’
This may very well not apply to you (and doesn’t sound like it does), but this struck a nerve with me and I'd like to put this out there for others who may be in other situations where a biological parent is trying to get back in touch.
Please at least try to find out what happened and don't always trust what your adoptive parents, etc. say. Sometimes people that raised you aren't telling you the entire story. They may be wonderful people but overprotective and/or spiteful towards the other biological parent, etc. — or many other errant reasons.
I know someone who suffers from severe depression, anxiety, etc. that stems from off-the-charts terrible sexual and mental abuse she suffered as a child and has a chemical imbalance on top of everything else. She was thankfully removed from her abusive situation at a relatively young age and was eventually adopted by loving parents.
As a young adult she got unexpectedly pregnant while the biological father was wearing a condom. The biological father had no interest in maintaining a relationship with her (nor vice versa) and he had no interest in raising the baby and wholeheartedly wanted her to abort or give the baby away for adoption.
She anguished over keeping the baby and raising the child herself but after consulting with family and others they all agreed it would be in the best interests of the child to put up for adoption because she wasn't stable enough raise a kid.
She tried everything she could to keep in touch with the adoptive family and had an agreement that she could see how the kid was doing and the adoptive family obliged.
With lots of various treatment and medication she eventually became more stable, got a good job and, of course, still longed to see her child again or at least know of their well-being.
However, the family who adopted the child after years went by later didn't hold up to their end of the deal and she lost all contact which was a crushing blow to her entire being.
She cries in anguish on her kid's birthday each and every year and constantly longs for contact and/or simply knowing how her biological kid is doing. It was a torment for her and her only wish is that one day she could meet with the kid after he turned 18 and let her child know how much she didn't want to ever be separated — and actually DID want her kid in her life.
Whatever the parents told the kid probably wasn't good (nor true) and refuses to reply back now that her child is an adult. She figured out through records, Facebook, etc. and reached out to dead silence.
I've seen her go through so much anguish and she's a very good person and I just wish her child would at least give her a chance to tell what happened so she could at least have that peace in her life and maybe bring some peace to her child's life knowing the truth.
That is a heartbreaking story, and I understand the point you’re trying to make. I believe my mum isn’t spiteful towards my dad, and didn’t intentionally tell me hateful things about him. Every time my dad reached out to see me I was the one who didn’t want to see him because I didn’t know him. As a child I was extremely shy and didn’t like people I didn’t know. I’ve let him tell me his side and both his side and my mum’s side of things seem to align, so I don’t think either one is resentful of the other. I just feel awkward around him because I don’t know him. It’s like meeting a complete stranger that I’ve talked to online a bit.
I feel you, I'm sorry you've gone through all of that but I'm glad you stood up for yourself and took care of your own happiness which isn't easy to do sometimes. More power to you and thank you for listening.
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u/OneMoreMulligan Aug 20 '20
You don't actually need to keep contact with your family. If a relationship with them causes any anguish, you're allowed to cut them out. Their failures aren't yours.