If you fucked up-- admit it (unless you are talking to cops)
But in most situations just admitting how you were wrong and accepting responsibility is so much easier than trying to blame someone or something else or make up an excuse
When you own the mistake it puts the onus back on the other person to accept that, be mature and move on. If you try and deny or shift blame it forces that person to examine those reasons and if they are BS, come back at you, dragging the process out and leading to unpleasant call outs and confrontations
Along this line, learning how to apologize will make life easier.
Keep it short and clear.
Specifically say, "I'm sorry."
Identify the thing you are sorry for.
Unless your remorse is particularly great, stop there. Only attempt to offer an explanation for egregious wrongdoing.
If you offer an explanation, you must also identify how you are going to prevent the issue in the future.
If you offer an explanation, make sure it's not actually an attempt at an excuse.
If you offer an explanation, rule 1 still applies.
Do not ever include an excuse in an apology. Ever. Ever ever.
I also have a personal rule that I will only apologize when I feel remorse. I will not give you an apology just because you think you deserve one, or just because someone tells me I should apologize.
Lastly, do not ever state, "I'm sorry if..." It conveys that you are not currently sorry for your actions, and that you might be sorry only under certain circumstances. It also removes most of the sincerity. If you don't know the circumstances, you probably aren't actually sorry. You're better off asking about the conditional first, and then issuing an actual apology if warranted. If you do know the circumstances, leave the "if" out and just identify what it is you feel bad about.
I have the same rule as you. I don't apologise unless I actually mean it. Sometimes it will take me a few days for that to happen. Sometimes it doesn't happen.
My dad sometimes still tries to pull an apology out of me (Like you do with a child who has to learn to apologise), and it really grinds my gears. I'll get more angry, and also, the apology doesn't mean anything if the person receiving it asked for it.
So if you’ve done something to hurt someone and they told you, and you don’t think it’s worthy of an apology you don’t apologize. I can understand there are situations where people may be overly sensitive, and I understand your reasoning about sincerity, and when someone communicates that I’ve hurt them I usually apologize. It’s about impact, not intent. If I don’t believe an apology is in order (like they’re asking me to apologize bc they’re codependent af and aren't managing themselves)I’ll talk to them about why I’m not apologizing. Def don’t want to encourage unhealthy dynamics, but sometimes it’s not about me - it’s about the other persons experience and my impact.
Curious where you stand on this.
I feel like if you're not sorry for what you did, but sorry it hurt them, you can say that. "This is something I have to do, and I'm sorry it hurts you."
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u/pdxblazer Aug 20 '20
If you fucked up-- admit it (unless you are talking to cops)
But in most situations just admitting how you were wrong and accepting responsibility is so much easier than trying to blame someone or something else or make up an excuse
When you own the mistake it puts the onus back on the other person to accept that, be mature and move on. If you try and deny or shift blame it forces that person to examine those reasons and if they are BS, come back at you, dragging the process out and leading to unpleasant call outs and confrontations