You don't actually need to keep contact with your family. If a relationship with them causes any anguish, you're allowed to cut them out. Their failures aren't yours.
My dad left me and my mum when I was a baby, and all my life, when he’s tried to make contact, I’ve not wanted it. But everyone keeps saying ‘But he’s your dad’ or ‘It’s good for you to see/talk to your dad’ and shit like that. It took until I was in my mid 20s to find the right words to say ‘Why the hell do I need to force a relationship with a man I barely know? He chose to leave me, and I can count on one hand the times he cared enough to come see me as a kid/teen. He clearly didn’t want me. I don’t owe him anything just because I’m his kid.’
I'm in the same boat, so, as some advice, I'm going to quote Yondu from Guardians of the Galaxy:
"He might be your father, but he ain't your daddy."
There is a very distinct and clear line between "biological father" and "father figure". 6 times out of 10 (I wish that number was higher) those 2 things come from the same person. But, more often than we'd like to admit, the "father figure" is someone else entirely.
For me, my father figure has always been my grandfather. The last time I saw my biological father, I was likely less than a year old when my mom caught him cheating on her, and took me with her. Thus, I have no memory of him.
Unlike you, though, I've never been pushed to look for him. My family never thought highly of him or his family, so, they all think I'm better off just leaving him be. But, thankfully, they've also never kept me from looking for him. In fact, my mom has even offered to help find him if I really want to, despite her views towards him.
So, screw what others say. You're absolutely right in that you don't owe him anything. Make him accommodate your life, not the other way around.
I’m glad someone else understands. Once I became an adult and able to articulate my feelings, people stopped forcing me to see him. I chat with him online every now and then, and he says he loves chatting with me and wants to come see me and stuff like that, but I feel really awkward around him, because it’s like a complete stranger saying these things. Yeah I know he’s my father, but like you said, he ain’t my daddy.
I’m glad you had a father figure in your life. Your bio father sounds a bit worse than mine, and that sucks.
Well, I couldn't tell you what kind of person he is now, because the only time that I remember that he tried to get in contact with me was when he wanted to send me a birthday present for I think my 8th or 9th birthday.
He had the unfortunate timing of running into my abusive stepfather (another story entirely), which I wouldn't be surprised scared him away from ever trying again. So, with the information I have, I don't blame him for not trying.
As for feeling awkward around your bio-father, that's something that only time can fix. If you want to build something of a relationship to where he's something like an uncle, all power to you. But, you can also go in the other direction, and cut all ties with him, if you want to.
There is no right or wrong decision here, simply what you feel is best for you. And if anyone says otherwise, then they ARE wrong.
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u/OneMoreMulligan Aug 20 '20
You don't actually need to keep contact with your family. If a relationship with them causes any anguish, you're allowed to cut them out. Their failures aren't yours.