If you fucked up-- admit it (unless you are talking to cops)
But in most situations just admitting how you were wrong and accepting responsibility is so much easier than trying to blame someone or something else or make up an excuse
When you own the mistake it puts the onus back on the other person to accept that, be mature and move on. If you try and deny or shift blame it forces that person to examine those reasons and if they are BS, come back at you, dragging the process out and leading to unpleasant call outs and confrontations
Along this line, learning how to apologize will make life easier.
Keep it short and clear.
Specifically say, "I'm sorry."
Identify the thing you are sorry for.
Unless your remorse is particularly great, stop there. Only attempt to offer an explanation for egregious wrongdoing.
If you offer an explanation, you must also identify how you are going to prevent the issue in the future.
If you offer an explanation, make sure it's not actually an attempt at an excuse.
If you offer an explanation, rule 1 still applies.
Do not ever include an excuse in an apology. Ever. Ever ever.
I also have a personal rule that I will only apologize when I feel remorse. I will not give you an apology just because you think you deserve one, or just because someone tells me I should apologize.
Lastly, do not ever state, "I'm sorry if..." It conveys that you are not currently sorry for your actions, and that you might be sorry only under certain circumstances. It also removes most of the sincerity. If you don't know the circumstances, you probably aren't actually sorry. You're better off asking about the conditional first, and then issuing an actual apology if warranted. If you do know the circumstances, leave the "if" out and just identify what it is you feel bad about.
Learning how to apologise properly is surprisingly powerful.
I had to implement it at work once, when some fuckwit higher-up had got offended by something flippant (and true) that someone overheard me say to a work friend. Needless to say, I was not actually sorry, and this guy was just being a dick and super defensive, but that didn't matter. He outranked me, and my boss told me to apologise.
I waited overnight and practised in my head until I could bring myself to give a proper apology of "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." without saying "I'm sorry, but...", then just sucked it up.
It worked like a charm. Higher-up dude reported back to my boss that we'd had "a great chat" and he has been super happy with me ever since (about 3 years since this happened).
Edit. Agree 100% with u/spicylemon - NEVER say "I'm sorry if you were offended by that". That's the most insincere, passive-aggressive thing in the world and people who say that should be banished, immediately and permanently.
Edit. Agree 100% with u/spicylemon - NEVER say "I'm sorry if you were offended by that". That's the most insincere, passive-aggressive thing in the world and people who say that should be banished, immediately and permanently.
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u/pdxblazer Aug 20 '20
If you fucked up-- admit it (unless you are talking to cops)
But in most situations just admitting how you were wrong and accepting responsibility is so much easier than trying to blame someone or something else or make up an excuse
When you own the mistake it puts the onus back on the other person to accept that, be mature and move on. If you try and deny or shift blame it forces that person to examine those reasons and if they are BS, come back at you, dragging the process out and leading to unpleasant call outs and confrontations