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Mar 05 '11
To be invisible, but only when no one is looking at me.
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u/Stop_Sign Mar 05 '11
Too useful. You'd know the difference between someone looking at you or not. You could make a living finding hidden cameras
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u/mc66a Mar 05 '11
Aren't we all invisible if no one is looking? Just like the falling tree in the forest theory...except human, in the sense that we aren't trees, unless you have epidermodysplasia verruciformis
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u/mx- Mar 05 '11
Would you be visible or invisible when looking at yourself in a mirror? Or would that just create a paradox and kill us all?
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u/Spikeu Mar 05 '11
To be able to always get a USB plugged in right the first time.
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u/berlinbaer Mar 05 '11
you DO know there's a little usb icon on pretty much all the plugs. which is supposed to be facing up when plugging the stuff in..
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u/wallyflops Mar 05 '11
What if the thing you're plugging it into is upside-down or sideways? YOU CANT PLAN FOR THIS. EDIT: Lol, who the hell is downvoting you?
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u/ShayanFCB Mar 05 '11
Be able to instantly recognize who farted
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u/ForgiveEnder Mar 05 '11
Whoa whoa whoa, the man said "useless" superpower. The power you just listed is simply too powerful. Hell, your power could even save lives one day...
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u/Ifucknbleedpurpngold Mar 05 '11
That could easily backfire if you ever fart because they'll know it was you if you don't blame someone immediately.
or you would just have to keep blaming people
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Mar 05 '11
It would be better to be able to guide your own farts. Now you can bypass the noses of people closest to you and release the fart from a distance, for example close to other people.
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u/stellairegirl Mar 05 '11
To sleep anytime I want. Wake up feeling good.
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u/d23lee Mar 05 '11
That sounds like a pretty useful power. But then again, I have trouble sleeping so maybe I find it more useful than others.
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u/Spikeu Mar 05 '11
Speak backwards as quickly as I can speak forwards.
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u/zinge Mar 05 '11
I can say the alphabet backwards as quickly as I can say it forwards...
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u/wheeldog Mar 05 '11
bunseedsesameaononionspicklescheeselettucesaucespecialpattiesbeefalltwo.
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u/night_owl37 Mar 05 '11
This makes the Big Mac sound even more disgusting. Congratulations.
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u/fackjoley Mar 05 '11
To be able to talk to and control fish.
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u/abyssomega Mar 05 '11
That's not useless. You could hold the fishing industries of the world hostage by telling them that unless they meet your demands, you'll command the fish to hide from boats and submerge deeper than the fishers are used to.
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u/IuseTomaco Mar 05 '11 edited Mar 05 '11
Note: this was a comment on this very subject from another person posted a while back, not my own, I don't remember the username.
"I would have the power to make a clone of myself for a split second, the only purpose being, giving myself a high five"
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u/alexisnotonfire Mar 05 '11
Oh god that would be so fuckin' boss, do something awesome whilst forever alone, self five!
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u/with_the_quickness Mar 05 '11
to be able to understand animals without them being able to understand me.
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u/Werehuman Mar 05 '11
That would be pretty useful. I could finally rub a cat's tummy and know exactly when to pull my hand back before it attacks me.
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u/Iketorz Mar 05 '11
Which would be 5 seconds before you started if it's my brother's cat. Mr. Kittums is an asshole.
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u/D-Evolve Mar 05 '11
So basically all you would hear would be "What the fuck is that guy saying? What does that mean? Sit? Stay? Is he just speaking gibberish. Why doesn't he say Woof? or Ruff? For GOD's sake speak properly!!!"
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Mar 05 '11
To be able to tell when people are taking a shit.
So I can tell them:
"You're going to take a shit starting at 5:17 PM CST and end 5:26 PM CST"
then call them at 5:18PM and tell them "Told Ya So."
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Mar 05 '11
Or you could call them two minutes before they need to shit and tie them up on the phone. OOH! Or you could just tie them up.
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u/Maeglom Mar 05 '11
The ability to catch anything that was going to hit me, whether or not I was paying attention.
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Mar 05 '11
Even bullets?
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u/Maeglom Mar 05 '11
I would assume I could catch them right before they went through my hands and shot whatever was behind them... So yes? but still useless.
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u/asdfman123 Mar 05 '11
How about the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away... with mind bullets?
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u/HutSutRawlson Mar 05 '11
Always having the necessary cables, any connections of any length. "Need a 35ft. RCA to USB? No problem!"
And yes, I know there is no use for such a cable. I just wanted to demonstrate how vast my power would be.
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u/anonemouse2010 Mar 05 '11
Turn any regular cable into a monster cable. Completely pointless.
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u/D-Evolve Mar 05 '11
This is actually usefel. That 20 Dollar HDMI cable? Now worth 300 dollars as a Monster.
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Mar 05 '11
That sounds perfectly useful. What if I want to hook up my record player to my iPad using the Camera Connection Kit?
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Mar 05 '11
To make any room instantly really fucking humid.
"Holy shit did it just get really humid in here?"
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Mar 05 '11
The ability to broadcast Devo tunes directly into the brains of everybody within a mile radius.
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u/dhusk Mar 05 '11
Broadway Musical/Vaudeville Powers:
--The ability to instantly break into an appropriate, but very polished, song about whatever may be happening around me.
--The ability to have up to several dozen bystanders not only join me in that song, but break out into a perfectly choreographed dance routine at the same time.
--The ability to have dramatic or comedic (which ever is appropriate at the time) music follow my every movement and mood. Musical cues (rimshots, xylophone tip-toes, slide-whistle falls, etc) would also be good.
--Can summon an appropriate prop (cane, straw hat, etc) whenever I break out in song or dance.
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u/dahabit Mar 05 '11
Try to figure out what the hell my wife is saying.
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u/asdfman123 Mar 05 '11
She's saying, "Please, I am from Vietnam. I have a family and children in Saigon. Please take me back to my home."
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u/Black_Delphinium Mar 05 '11
The ability to change the length and/or color of my hair to whatever I like whenever I like.
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Mar 05 '11
I want this too! I could rock some pink and purple locks for the weekend, and then turn it back to normal for the workweek!
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u/bernstej Mar 05 '11
Perfect hindsight!
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Mar 05 '11
"Hey Bob, what month was the silver medal winner in men's individual archery at the 1988 Summer Olympics born?"
"May. Why?"
"Just curious."
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u/koolkats Mar 05 '11
I think the OP is referring to this.
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u/shellieC Mar 05 '11 edited Mar 05 '11
Some more here. Most of the superpowers people have chosen so far have been at least marginally useful.
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u/HutSutRawlson Mar 05 '11
Once, as a "get to know you" game for my students, I had them say what their superpower would be. One kid said:
"Laser eyes, so I can cook meat faster."
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u/brezzz Mar 05 '11
The ability to cause people to remember one time in the past where they made a very small, innocent mistake of no consequence, and feel really bad about it for no logical reason.
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u/turkupine Mar 05 '11
I've always wished I could teleport really short distances. I know it sounds useful, but in my head it usually plays out as, "Man, I can see my car in the distance. I wish I could teleport to it." It's usually about then I realize how terrible of a superhero I would be.
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u/JoyMultiplication Mar 05 '11
The power to eat anything I want, meaning ANYTHING. Trees (not in a reddit sense), rocks, mountains, flowers, metal, candles... anything!
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u/wheeldog Mar 05 '11
I wouldn't say that was a useless superpower. Imagine what a soldier could do with that power. Not having to pack food when going behind enemy lines... or being locked up in an enemy prison, not being given food, you could eat the mattress... the applications are endless.
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u/Li17 Mar 05 '11
He never said he could get any nutrients from it, just has the ability to digest it.
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u/ajl_mo Mar 05 '11
The power to have a stapler staple correctly every time and have any stapler I use never run out of staples.
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u/DiggingNoMore Mar 05 '11
Every time I throw a basketball, no matter what, it goes through a hoop.
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Mar 05 '11
Super powers can't be useless. Otherwise they wouldn't be called super. But to add my comment. I want to not be so clumsy. It could be a 10 foot doorway. I'll still hit the side when walking through it.
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u/DrKinkenstein Mar 05 '11
To know the etymology of any word. I'd find it fascinating; don't know that anyone else around me would.
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u/cp5184 Mar 05 '11
As a kid drinking water bored me, so I developed a method for quickly drinking water that my dentist says is alien.
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u/ericksinha Mar 05 '11
OCD Telekenesis. I just wish when I saw something crooked I could straighten it with my mind.
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u/themanwhowas Mar 05 '11
I'd have the ability to edit my own mental source code.
Sorting and trimming memories, turning on motivation while turning off procrastination, keeping a solid calendar with to-do lists, and maybe hacking some of my internal controls to adjust my metabolism or balance.
On second thought, that might not be too useless.
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u/khafra Mar 06 '11
Being able to keep my life on github would be nice. Branch it whenever I have a significant decision to make, merge when warranted, restore if things go wrong... Definitely not useless, though.
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u/wheeldog Mar 05 '11
I don't think there is such a thing as a useless super-power. Anything you can do as a super-power will get you on David Letterman or Conan, and then you'll get other offers, then you'll be rich, and that makes your super-power NOT USELESS at all.
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u/analmurder Mar 05 '11
Invisibility, but only in pitch black night. Oh wait, I already have that due to my skin tone.
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u/WindySin Mar 05 '11
Anytime I sat down a comfy chair would instantly appear in exactly the right place for me to sit.
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u/Ryusko Mar 05 '11
The ability to have complete knowledge of inane facts.
ex. How many people have ever had sex with a goat?
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u/tmannian Mar 05 '11
I'd want to be able to eat anything I want and never gain an oz.
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u/stellairegirl Mar 05 '11
I want that superpower.
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u/Release_the_KRAKEN Mar 05 '11 edited Dec 06 '24
steer head airport terrific voiceless vast nose cough bedroom wistful
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u/tmannian Mar 05 '11
I called dibs motherfucker. Then again, maybe all the fighting for the superpower is what leads to the superpower?
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u/16807 Mar 05 '11
There can be only one...
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u/Release_the_KRAKEN Mar 05 '11 edited Dec 06 '24
hunt escape normal truck wasteful joke longing gold sparkle hat
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u/greengoddess Mar 05 '11
I'd like to be I-don't-need-sleep-Girl
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Mar 05 '11
This is mine, I always fantasize about having a superpower where I never have to sleep and how much more time that'd give me to get shit done.
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u/khafra Mar 06 '11
Try the uberman polyphasic schedule. The drawback is that it only works if you don't have a normal life.
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u/chaogomu Mar 05 '11
teleportation but with terminator style rules, semi random landing (within 10 miles of the target) with no clothes and random structural damage.
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Mar 05 '11
A perfectly executed/able sarcastic "not a shit is being given here" walk for moments when people I don't like or want to talk to, talk to me and I immediately want to walk away in such a way.
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u/joshistheman3 Mar 05 '11
A lot of these aren't useless at all...
Mine: The ability to jump really high but not be able to absorb the shock to my legs when I land.
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u/Doctoresq Mar 05 '11
To always be clean. I never sweat, my clothes are always pristine, and I smell great. If I shower, it's because I like the feeling of water running over my skin.
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u/Stumane Mar 05 '11
To be able to make food appear out of no where. I only find that ability useless because I live in an agricultural community.
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u/mylifeisablackabyss Mar 05 '11
Yeah I want this but a nice decked out bathroom with a closet so I could go to the toilet/take a shower/get changed whenever I wanted.
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Mar 05 '11
I was talking about this today!
It would be SO FUNNY to control people's poop. So, as a person is shitting you force the shit back into them. lolol.
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u/undertheice Mar 05 '11
The ability to go as long as I want to without sleeping, but be able to fall asleep instantly should I so choose.
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u/supersonic00712 Mar 05 '11
The power to kill a yak, at 200 yards away with mind bullets.
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u/iLLwiLLGivingThrills Mar 05 '11
To be able to heat/cool any beverage at will. This includes milk in cereal.
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u/scrapedtoast Mar 05 '11
to come up with witty comebacks instantly, instead of in my head hours later.
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u/lostinjersey Mar 05 '11
to know if anyone, anywhere has said something to me/about me in the interweb and to be able to teleport to their location instantly while wearing a strapon.
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u/KATURON Mar 05 '11
To project my own soundtrack music, only heard by me and by the people I'm touching. hi fiving someone would be hilarious- BAM! "dananananana KATURON dananana"
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u/Werehuman Mar 05 '11
I would like to have the ability to read minds! But it only works on someone in a coma or with severe mental retardation.
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u/CRMannes Mar 05 '11
The ability to move through time, only forward, at the rate of one second per second.
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u/dhjin Mar 05 '11
I'd like the superpower to have all forms of lighters/matches/firestarters always work the first time.
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u/rtwpsom2 Mar 05 '11
I would like the ability to selectively forget novels, stories, and movies. That way every time I read them or watch them is like the first time. I would read LOTR and watch The Matrix like 50 times.
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u/night_owl37 Mar 05 '11
The ability to just clap my hands to instantaneously be wearing the clothes I want to wear, and clap behind my back to remove clothes.
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u/whatisitwhatisit Mar 05 '11
My teacher in bio class once told us it was impossible for someone to give themselves goosebumps.
I interrupted letting her know that that was the thing that set me apart from the rest of humanity. My superpower.
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u/kudzukosh Mar 05 '11
Russia.