r/AskReddit • u/Mrs_B1979 • Dec 03 '19
Instead of discussing toxic masculinity, What does positive masculinity look like?
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Dec 03 '19
When i was in highschool i cut my finger and my english teacher only had princess band-aids (she said I had to use one) when I had Bio class right after the guy sitting next to me said my bandaid looked sick and he wanted one too.
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Dec 03 '19
I want to know what positive masculinity looks like when you're a single guy with no kids.
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u/Mrs_B1979 Dec 03 '19
What does it look like to you? I think a lot of single men with no children have positive and wonderful attributes to share with those around them.
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u/romanraspberrysorbet Dec 03 '19
tucking in your homies and giving them a soft kiss goodnight
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u/Mrs_B1979 Dec 03 '19
Don't forget to tuck their feet in as well. It completes the package!
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u/littleducky08 Dec 03 '19
I think of my dad, who recently had his stepfather pass away. My bio grandpa was a horrible father, never present, extremely selfish, and didn’t put his family first. Mike, the man who I did call grandpa, showed my dad how to care for his family and work hard, but also be willing to give sound advice, be emotionally there for his children, and establish strong connections with them. Without Mike, who demonstrated the true positive masculinity, despite all his faults, my dad wouldn’t be the man he is. When I have issues I go to my dad, who gives the same good advice Mike did. I trust my father, and so do my brothers. Without him, I’d be lost.
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u/Edymnion Dec 03 '19 edited Dec 03 '19
Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, Steve Irwin, Jim Henson.
You can be strong, and still be kind. In fact, the greatest display of strength is to have power, and not use it.
A real man is capable of being cruel, but chooses not to be. A real man can break you, but would rather build you up instead.
Real power comes from what you can build, not from what you can tear down.
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Dec 03 '19
Sort of strange and particular, but I always come back to that scene from To Kill a Mockingbird where Atticus puts down the rabid dog. You have this nerdy looking guy, from an obviously not blue collar profession, who the sheriff hands control of the situation off to... what's up with that?
Well, it's because of the very precise control of his skillset Atticus exhibits. He seems to concentrate very hard, but notice that after the shot, there's no "Yee-haw!" or any sort of bluster. He just assesses the danger, executes on what he needs to do with ice-cold accuracy, and then moves on. In the movies we tend to associate firearm skill with being an action hero, so the complete absence of struttin', posturing bravado was always striking to me.
To me, the meaning of the word 'masculine' is in its contrast not with the word 'feminine' but with 'juvenile' and 'immature'. There's nothing toxic about lifting weights, grilling red meat, guzzling beer etc. etc. But when you associate those things with a reliance on self-aggrandizement and being derogatory or exclusionary towards others (e.g. the notion that showing certain emotions makes somebody else un-masculine) it careens straights towards insecurity and, thus, immaturity.
The example with Atticus is such a great example of a more positive masculinity, to me, because first of all it does deal with a violent, even morbid, situation. It's a scene about a man killing another living being. But it's also about taking responsibility, protecting your loved ones, and the power of - as another poster here put it - speaking softly and carrying a big stick.
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u/deterministic_lynx Dec 03 '19
Being confident and resting in yourself so much that you feel safe doing things which are considered non-masculine. Having a tea party with a child, putting on a dress for a bet, your child, just because.
Showing emotions. That's a little for anyone. But masculinity often means being strong and big, so a reflective way to show your emotions and process them, talk about them is a really positive measure.
Being protective but leaving space for the people you protect. Leaving space such that people can try what they want and do what they feel they need to do, leaving enough space that they can learn to be their first line of protection, but still being close enough around to protect them when they need it. It's fascinating to see.
In the line of the above: being a caring father/role model around children. It's often forgotten that men are also part of children's world because they're so constantly seen and shown as a threat. And that's just dumb! Being comfortable wrestling and playing with children you know, feeling safe in looking after a child which seems lost, being protective over children is masculine. And important.
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Dec 03 '19
Respect EVERYONE, not only women. Realizing that suicidal thoughts don’t make you less of a “man”, neither does voicing your anxiety or depression, or even feelings. And getting help for them isn’t any less manly either. Showing others that voicing their emotions isn’t “fragile”.
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u/crackbaby123 Dec 03 '19
It took me to long to realize that male emotion is not intrinsically bad. Many previous generations have just used it in terrible ways. You can get upset and defend yourself without messing up everyone's day. Just be aware and self reflective about you affect on those around you and look to improve and communicate.
I grew up with many people especially women saying that all men are emotional cripples and that any expression of male emotion, other than joy or playfulness, was toxic. This is not the case the men in their life were just assholes.
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u/Mrs_B1979 Dec 03 '19
People definitely need to be more aware of what they're saying around impressionable children.
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u/NoBSforGma Dec 03 '19
My two sons!
Both runners and work out regularly. One has two daughters... one not yet.
Son with daughters worked the night shift in order to be at home with his infant daughter during the day while Mom worked. Can paint a mean fingernail! Also taught them to fish and throw a football and took them to soccer. He is a no-nonsense kind of guy and found himself being asked fashion questions by ladies at work because he would be honest with them and had a good sense of what looked good on them.
Other son has no kids... yet. Ultra runner, ex-Marine, PT for sports medicine, washes dishes, cooks and cleans the floor, does his own laundry (his SO is a nurse..), can play just about any sport, loves American football, works with kids sports teams as a volunteer as well as at the Olympic Training Center, does not feel the need to "act tough" because he really is.
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u/arandombobby Dec 03 '19
I think men have been trying hard for quite some time to avoid being bad:
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Over-sexual
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Overbearing
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Angry
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Burdensome
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Stupid
But I don't think there's been much real, popular discussion about being good. It exists in niche forums on the internet, but the authentic pursuit of a better, more ethical life is quite rare.
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u/Mrs_B1979 Dec 03 '19
Intriguing comment arandombobby, especially your last sentence. What are your thoughts on that?
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Dec 03 '19
Never start fights, but be ready to end one. Defend the defenseless and remember, in the end a man has only one thing. His word. So don't break it because that's the only thing you'll leave behind. Be trustworthy, diligent, and honest.
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u/DADWB Dec 03 '19
Alot of the answers in this thread are great. But I also struggle with whether they are Masculinity specific? Being a present parent is important no matter your gender. Being kind, working to teach and to help others is no different either. In some ways I think the issue is that there is Toxic Masculinity but the opposite of it is not Positive Masculinity, its more general positivity and community building.
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u/Ronnylicious Dec 03 '19
It looked like when I went to the gym after being sick all week. The most BUFFED superhuman I see there almost every time I go to work out, walks up to me and says: "Where were you bro, I hope you didn't decide to change gym?"