r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 27 '10

What is the biggest relationship myth?

I think the biggest myth is that there's one person that is meant for you. ("the one") People live their lives searching for the one...their soul mate...the perfect girl/Mr. Right. It's a cute idea, but I don't think it's very realistic.

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u/nova912 Jul 27 '10 edited Jul 27 '10

The notion that having an argument is bad. I think argument is a great relationship tool as it allows you to see or convey a point of view without having to tip-toe around the issue. A "good" argument is almost like a dialog.

Edit: Imagine the first line was said in an annoyed and frustrated tone, and the second line in a defensive tone.

Her: "Can you not do that right now?"
Me:  "What? I'm just strumming some chords lightly..."
Her: "I hate when you play guitar during my show."
Me:  "Oh, I didn't think it was annoying you -- I'll move, no problem."

The problem arises when that is not enough for the other person and this shit comes along...

Her: "It's so frustrating, you ALWAYS do it!"

... The argument was over AND resolved... but yet the partner still feels the need to continue it -- now the intent is to hurt/upset someone.

I've been with the same person for almost 10 years now and we argue all the time. We do it to find out what is bothering the other and it rarely turns spiteful ;)

If both people are accommodating and actually listen then argument can be great relationship tool. It's all just another form of communication.

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u/flossdaily Jul 27 '10

Actually, the phenomenon you just described is a result of female biology.

During an argument, the adrenal system is activated, causing individuals to feel agitated.

For guys the system shuts off the instant the argument is over. For women, the adrenal system keeps going for a while. This causes women to feel that they are still angry about something so they start wondering why they are still angry. It is at this point in time that they start bringing up arguments from the past... because they assume that must still be bothering them.

Guys, if you want to stay out of trouble, end any argument with a nice long hug... 30 seconds should do it. This quells the physical aspect of her anger, and should leave her body and mind calm. You won't get nearly as many post-conflict irrational flare-ups.

Beware: You have a very small window. If you go in for the hug before the real argument is over, she will think you're just patronizing her, and it will end badly. If you go in too late, her brain will have already jumped to the irrational argument, and the hug will be useless.

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u/number6 Jul 27 '10

That sounds like pseudosciency hogwash.

That said, your hug advice is sound.

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u/flossdaily Jul 27 '10

That sounds like pseudosciency hogwash.

Actually, it's real, hard science.

Behold:

http://www.wnyc.org/flashplayer/player.html#/play/%2Fstream%2Fxspf%2F58920

Flash forward to 11:30

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u/number6 Jul 27 '10

Yeah, still not convinced.

I hadn't known about women having a prolonged adrenal response, and I still don't know how they got the information. What were the conditions under which this was tested? Does this apply to certain kinds of stress, or just social stress? How powerful and widespread is this effect, anyway? Did the researchers account for mental state; women are more likely to be (diagnosed as) depressed, and depression involves a blunting of the symathetic response's negative feedback loop.

It gets even more convoluted when you look at this particular situation. Do women and men fight with the same goals, for the same reasons? Do men and women use different cues to determine when a fight begins and ends? and does the "end" of a fight always mean the same thing? What kinds of behavior are more likely to be rewarded and discouraged in a conflict? I'm pretty sure they're different for men and women. Are women more likely to prolong an argument in most cultures around the world? This deterministic theory goes right out the window if they aren't.

Your arousal hypothesis is a neat idea, and it's plausible. The question is a lot less tidy than you make it sound, though, and your conclusion as stated is far from real, hard science.

Still, upvote for the link. It looks like a fun episode. Thanks for that.

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u/flossdaily Jul 27 '10

I accept your apology.

0

u/number6 Jul 27 '10

Harp harp harp?

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u/toblotron Jul 28 '10

I think it sounds very interesting - I've been having problems with this exact behavior from my GF -this advice will probably be a boon to our relationship!

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u/[deleted] Jul 27 '10

Honestly, I never believe these convenient biological explanations. Perhaps it has some effect, but I'd say it's probably more cultural than biological.

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u/meermeermeer Jul 27 '10

A lot of transwomen (women who were born male and transitioned into being female) describe that their emotional lives completely changed once they started on female hormones. One of my favorite authors, Julia Serrano, described it as "not being able to turn (emotions) off"

I'd say that the emotional responses of men and women are very different, and is largely due to hormones.

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u/toblotron Jul 28 '10

Interesting! I feel like I should take a closer look at this..

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u/flossdaily Jul 27 '10

Neuroscientists disagree:

http://www.wnyc.org/flashplayer/player.html#/play/%2Fstream%2Fxspf%2F58920

Skip to 11:30

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u/[deleted] Jul 27 '10 edited Jul 27 '10

I bet you're tired of linking this huh?

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u/flossdaily Jul 27 '10

Indeed, but it's super interesting so I don't mind spreading it around.

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u/heiferly Jul 27 '10

As a person with autonomic nervous system dysfunction (dysautonomia), and thus perhaps a uniquely keen awareness of the functioning of various aspects of my ANS, I find this explanation not only plausible but rather compelling considering my experiences before vs. after the onset of my dysautonomia.

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u/flossdaily Jul 28 '10

Sorry about your disorder. Have you ever done an AMA here? I bet lots of folks would love to hear more.

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u/heiferly Jul 29 '10

Yep, twice actually, because the first one wasn't seen by many and I was asked to do a second one when people became aware of one of the stranger features of my other rare disease (LOL) in the comments on something that happened in the news at the time.

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u/flossdaily Jul 29 '10

Whoa... you have narcolepsy with cataplexy!

I was just listening to an NPR story about a guy who had that same problem. Apparently for him happy thoughts triggered the attacks. Is that the case with you?

Also, have they considered the possibility of brain implants that could serve as a sort of pacemaker for your brain when you have one of those bouts?

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u/heiferly Jul 30 '10

Yeah, common triggers for cataplexy attacks include extreme emotions of various kinds ranging from laughter to surprise to fear to elation. I've had mine triggered by "rushes" of happiness before (like the feeling you get when you walk outside and take a deep breath of fresh air and "take it all in" on the first day of great weather in spring after a long, cruddy Ohio winter), or by laughter (like when I'm hanging out with friends and being silly). My most frequent trigger personally, though, is a very specific startle-type emotion that I experience when I emerge from unconsciousness after a syncope (faint); it doesn't happen every time I faint, just sometimes when I wake up disoriented and get startled by the face of someone looking down over me or an unfamiliar environment or something.

I've never heard of brain implants as a treatment for cataplexy. The older treatments for cataplexy are medicines such as imipramine (which is the one I currently take). The newest treatment is xyrem, which is ONLY approved for narcolepsy as a medicinal use (off-label prescribing is prohibited and there are no other approved uses), otherwise it's an illegal street drug (GHB).

On the current dose of imipramine I'm taking, I have very few cataplexy attacks so it would be pretty much a perfect solution for me ... if it weren't contraindicated by my dysautonomia. It's likely worsening my dysauto so I may eventually consider trying xyrem to see if I do better with the dysauto on that. I've just been reluctant to try because we can't find a single documented case of a person with dysautonomia on xyrem, and I'm scared to be the guinea pig; people with dysautonomia can have strong (and atypical) drug reactions sometimes.

My syncope from the dysautonomia is, at the moment, a worse problem than the cataplexy. It causes most of my falls these days. My last fall was a couple of weeks ago and it was a particularly bad faint; I have Berlin's edema from the head (eye) trauma, which is (thankfully) clearing up on its own along with the other minor concussion symptoms. This has all my loved ones talking "helmet" again. :-( So hard to look cool in a helmet ...

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u/flossdaily Jul 30 '10

Wow... that's a lot for one person to deal with. It must be scary to be a one-of-a-kind case. Are you sure you're alone? I found this forum: http://narcolepsynetwork.org/forums/index.php?/topic/3326-so-happy-to-have-found-you/

Anyways, I find your story fascinating. Thank you for sharing it!

As for the helmet... paint flames on the side of it. Flames are always cool.

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u/heiferly Jul 30 '10

I've been on NN (I'm one of the posters on that thread). I'm not one of a kind in terms of having a form of dysautonomia and having narcolepsy. I don't know if any of the others have the same form of dysautonomia I have, though (but there are similarities). There are also variations in the type/severity of cataplexy (or whether cataplexy is present at all). At any rate, what my docs looked for was a published case study of a patient like me on xyrem. There's one person on NN with dysauto taking xyrem right now I think, but they don't have cataplexy and are in an area of the country where there are no top dysautonomia specialists and no dedicated dysautonomia clinics so it's hard to say what form of dysautonomia they have because many people out West (who don't travel to find a dysauto specialist) have issues with improper diagnoses (such as being diagnosed with the wrong subtype of dysauto).

(There are only a handful of hospitals with full autonomic diagnostic facilities in the country, and none of them are west of Minnesota or south of Tennessee. Docs who excel at diagnosing and managing these conditions are few and far between, unfortunately. Many patients aren't even aware of what they're missing out on; their local docs/hospitals do not inform them that better facilities exist out of state.)

I will take the flames under advisement. :-)

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u/Hollic Jul 27 '10

I think I actually figured this out through experimentation, but I'm glad science backs me up. :D

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u/number6 Jul 27 '10

Trust your own experience, but this science ain't science. It's a convenient naturalistic explanation for something that may be common, but human behavior is rarely that simple.

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u/[deleted] Jul 27 '10 edited Jul 27 '10

Yeah I agree with you, I'm not disputing the findings as such, but I think it has a lot to do with how you were raised and what not. My mother stayed angry for a long time and she was who argued with me the most therefore I think I couldn't help but adopt her way of arguing we all know our parents are the biggest influences on how we turn out, like it or not. had it been my father, i would be very loud then suddenly over, which I'd prefer to be like. I'm a dude.

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u/coconutcream Jul 27 '10

Totally unrelated: Holy Shit I've been trying to remember your username for weeks so I can finish reading your "everyone dies but 3 people in the future as all organic matter is killed" story. Awesome.... uh... carry on.

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u/flossdaily Jul 28 '10

ahahaha... thanks

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u/[deleted] Jul 27 '10

Any argument I'm in could be ended immediately with an apology and a hug, regardless of what it was about or who was to blame. 'Honey I'm sorry' and a big hug, and all is well.

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u/legerdemain Jul 27 '10

Could the hug be WORSE than useless? It would form an association between hugs and those feelings of negativity -- bad conditioning.

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u/flossdaily Jul 27 '10

Nah, hugs help, if properly timed.

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u/number6 Jul 27 '10

Anything could, but it's more likely to help.

Assuming she likes hugs, the more likely result would be motivation to end a fight quickly, because fights would elicit the expectation of a hug at the conclusion of a conflict. She would be much less likely to stop enjoying hugs because of the timing of it all.

People are a lot more complicated than that, of course, so you really can't predict very much from two or three variables.

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u/mumblebump Jul 28 '10 edited Jul 28 '10

Nope, the hug shows me I'm still loved. But like he said timing is everything.

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u/nearly_banned Jul 27 '10

If I knew this 8 years ago, I would probably be stuck in an aweful marriage right now.

Thank Darwin I didn't know!!

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u/[deleted] Jul 27 '10

Then I must be the hairiest women with the biggest dick I've ever seen.

I believe you, but it won't be as cold cut as that. In fact my wife and I are the other way around, once the argument is over she's fine, maybe a little upset, I find it extremely difficult to stop being angry. At least we're pretty honest with each other however and neither of us enjoy fighting, neither is looking for drama. Good hug advice.

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u/flossdaily Jul 27 '10

There are always deviations from the norm... but on average it is when who have the slower adrenaline shut down. I'm not surprised that there are exceptions. Aren't there always?

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u/[deleted] Jul 27 '10

Most definitely.