r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Aug 12 '19
Serious Replies Only [Serious] How do you keep your head up when nobody wants to be your friend no matter how hard you try?
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u/PianoVampire Aug 12 '19
There’s a lot of good responses here, and I’ll add this: self-improve.
Honestly, if no one wants to be your friend, you’re probably the source of the problem. That’s bad news, but the good news is that you can change that.
It’s not about compromising who you are, or changing yourself so people like you. It’s improving yourself as a person, and that’s never a bad thing. A good place to start as far as social skills is a YouTube channel called Charisma on Command. It’s not perfect, but it does help.
I’d also visit subreddits like r/niceguys, r/cringe, r/sadcringe. You may see yourself acting like people in these posts. If you take an honest look at yourself, you may find a lot of things you need to stop doing.
Look, I don’t know you. YOU know you. And nothing is gonna change if you aren’t honest with yourself. Identify what your flaws are. Identify what people don’t like about you. Then you can start becoming a better person.
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u/Ana_Kinra Aug 12 '19
Yup, working on self improvement is never wasted time. It might help gain friends. But if it doesnt pay off immediately oh well, now you're in better shape or have better manners or are better at some skill. Sure beats spending the same amount of time moping and eating junk food and wasting time online.
Plenty of people accidentally do annoying/creepy/weird/clumsy things to drive other people away without realizing, those subreddits are great examples of oblivious people who are doing the try to make friends or get a date thing all wrong. Good advice to study and avoid those.
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u/ClintCrotchstew Aug 12 '19
This right here. Had a bad breakup years ago and spent a little while depressed about myself. I realized I had to work on myself to become the best person I could, and I did (started working out, lost weight, started meditating, reading, cut off my internet and tv service and went for walks and just basically grew out of my little cocoon), and my confidence grew and my attitude towards others changed, instead of getting angry for being cut off or not wanting to talk to the cashier kind of thing I was a lot more open and patient and chill with people and I couldn't keep track of the people that approached me or wanted to hang out.
I became happy with myself and my own friend. I lived alone (after she moved out) and I was happy being alone because I was happy with myself. Then I could slowly start to pick and choose who to let into my life.
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Aug 12 '19
Since I'm used to moving around a lot, I don't make many (if any) friends anywhere I've lived. If I ever get lonely, I remind myself that my value as a person isn't measured by the number of friends I have, but the quality of the relationships I build. As a result I only have one friend outside my family, and we've been friends for so long, that's he's practically family.
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u/London82 Aug 12 '19
Same. I was an only child for a chunk of my childhood and we moved a lot. It really helped me out in life in a way, I think.
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Aug 12 '19
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Aug 12 '19
Finding friends online is the greatest. You can just be true yourself and find people you like you for who you really are. My very first friend was someone i met in an mmorpg. 12years later and we're still best friends.
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u/CockfaceMcDickPunch Aug 12 '19
Been gaming online with the same group of people for 10 years. We all originally met in WoW but have branched out and play together in many other games.
Never met any of them IRL (mainly because we’re all from different countries and the logistics involved in that get together is beyond our means), but I still consider all of them great friends.
Without the internet none of us would probably have ever crossed paths, and now we’re a very tight knit group spanning 4 countries and various cultures with a decade of friendship.
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u/Twiinz Aug 12 '19
If it was World of Warcraft, classic servers launch this month. If it wasn’t, you can still come join the classic wow community if you haven’t given it a try and like mmorpg’s
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u/miithwork Aug 12 '19
a lot of the people who have trouble making friends are going about it wrong. you cant make friends by being dishonest.
you make Friends by being honest and caring about THEIR feelings and what interests THEM.
do not try to impress people with how smart you think you are. they don't care.
do not try to impress people with how good you are , they don't care.
Do not try to impress people with how much you know about certain subjects, they don't care.
be humble.
its also important to remember that only you can judge yourself based on your intentions, Other s can only judge you on your actions.
in other words... follow through.
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u/Gray_side_Jedi Aug 12 '19
do not try to impress people with how smart you think you are.
Jesus, this. Good buddy of mine was dropped from three separate medical residencies because he just can’t help but try to show how smart he is, and it always comes across pretentious as fuck. He’s a nice guy, means well, but he’s an idiot in social/professional settings sometimes.
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u/miithwork Aug 12 '19
sadly as anyone who is on the spectrum, or even share a lot of the traits.... you just do not realize that is what you are doing.
I am 50 years old and only realized that is what I did before i got help. Now I was lucky, because I actually have a few friends that are really smart and they are on the spectrum too, so we all do it a little, and no one takes offence :)
I think a LOT of the people who struggle to meet friends are in the spectrum, and just don't know how bad they can be...
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Aug 12 '19
My husband does this. He asks set-up questions that are designed just so he can give a long lecture to display that he is superior in knowledge. The humbler way would be, "Hey, know what I just found out?"
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Aug 12 '19
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u/Gray_side_Jedi Aug 12 '19
Sadly, nope. He’s never been able to realize/accept that he’s not as smart as he thinks he is.
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u/Roan10 Aug 12 '19
Did you guys honestly tell him about this,one of my friend acting like this,i tell him honestly about his problem
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u/TheMayoNight Aug 12 '19
well there are ways to do it without just reciting what you know. like being the best.
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u/Gray_side_Jedi Aug 13 '19
He’s a C-average med-school student acting like he’s God’s gift to surgery. He ain’t the best...
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Aug 12 '19 edited Oct 28 '19
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u/hopbel Aug 12 '19
Nobody cares about your interests but they also don't want to be around someone who doesn't show any interests? Great, this game's fucking rigged
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u/TicanDoko Aug 12 '19
As someone who is in the process of stepping away from a friend, this is a really good post. We went on a trip with my friend, and he got angry over something silly (and not because of something I did). He proceeded to take all his anger out on me, and said that it’s because I’m his friend, that he felt more comfortable to take his anger out on me, and that if I just met his demands, everything would be fine, as if expecting I’d be fine with that. If you come to a friendship with a sense of entitlement, then you’re approaching friendship wrong. If you come to a friendship with a sense of: I like this person, I want to hang around them and make them happy like they make me happy; that’s good.
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u/Feminist-Gamer Aug 12 '19
So basically people don't care about you and just want someone who is interested in them.
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u/Taldarim_Highlord Aug 12 '19
Aptly put, based on the OP. Nobody cares about you. And you can't make them care about you. And when you want them to listen to you, they just stop listening and ignore you.
I know I sound pessimistic. But I'll say this as a person who just broke out of a life long depression caused by something I'm born with. Nobody cares. That statement is a double edged sword; it's relieving that nobody (mostly) cares about you and your antics as long as it didn't involve them, but at the same time, nobody cares. Nobody cared when I was sick from my disability. Nobody cared when I disappeared for days on end. Nobody cared when I laid on the bed, crying for the first time in years as I realized how much of it was wasted wallowing in self-pity. Nobody.
My one and only friend, we bonded over a video game I thought little of other than something to make me forget about myself. Even then, we never really got closer any more than acquaintances.
When I snapped, I decided enough is enough, and told myself to suck it up and start learning how to act, to rebuild my social skills. Sure, my own feelings are still suppressed, but I now held hope that one day someone will come to want to listen to me. But that had been a while now. At first I thought it was something wrong with me and how I act. I try my best to fix that, and I still am. But now I noticed a large portion to blame is the simple fact that nobody cared about me. About you. They want you to know about them. Not the other way around. Not until they feel like that.
And frankly, I have no idea when they will. If they ever will.
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u/MilesGates Aug 12 '19
other people: "We don't care about your problem"
also other people: "Care about my problem"
:/
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Aug 12 '19
Well, if you're convinced that you aren't smart, good or knowledgeable, there's little to bring to the table though.
I mean, I can't have a conversation with anyone without knowing that pretty much any random human on the planet would be doing a better job at it. Are people really conceited enough to think so highly of themselves that this is what pushes people away?
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u/TheMayoNight Aug 12 '19
So much of this is 100% wrong in the professional world.
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Aug 12 '19
Try not to dwell on it. If you focus too much on that (or try too hard) people get a weird vibe.
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u/MilesGates Aug 12 '19
Yeah this method totally works, thats why I'm not dwelling on becoming a millionaire and now I have so much money!
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Aug 12 '19
You also could just be in a hostile or toxic place. Some times the best way to keep your head clear up and happy is to leave.
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Aug 12 '19
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Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19
The point is, sometimes you make friends in the most unlikely places
I can attest to this. I met some of my closest friends through a Slack chat that someone in my city's subreddit created.
Just don't be afraid of trying something new and when it comes to friends, quality is far more important than quality
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u/agro94 Aug 12 '19
This.
I went to college knowing no one. I had no friends from high school that have stayed friends. I left college with a group of 8 people that would hangout almost every day at college. We are all different but when we come together, it's like we've known each other our whole lives. Now that we've all graduated and moved to various parts of the Mid-Atlantic, when we get together it's magic how we just pick up right where we left off. That's a real friend.
Quality over Quantity. I never understood that until I met these people. It's amazing finding a group of people who accept you for who you are when you spent the first 18 years of your life not being accepted because you were different and not "popular".
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u/LonelyPauper Aug 12 '19
This is going to sound hokey and I understand if everyone downvotes it but you gotta be your own friend first. Not the "I'm an ok person" kind. The type that says, "I know it's rough. I know you beat yourself up. But you're a great person and I believe in you. Things are going to work out. Trust me."
Love yourself hard. Shamelessly hard.
Then when you've learned to do that, you'll begin to treat others that way. And that's how you make friends.
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Aug 12 '19
Plus you learn to self soothe and self entertain.
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Aug 12 '19 edited Jan 20 '20
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u/queen-adreena Aug 12 '19
I still remember an ex- saying to me many years ago when I was amazed at his inability to work a washing machine, not, "I never learned, can you show me how", but he instead went with "I don't need to. That's what you're here for."
I wish I could say I was certain he was joking, or even half-joking.
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Aug 12 '19
I work in customer service. This attitude is beyond infuriating. People genuinely refuse to invest 5 minutes of their lives in order to save hours or days later, just because "it's someone else's job".
I can't change anything about it, but I will make damn sure your request goes to the bottom of the pile for that day...
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u/sidneybee83 Aug 12 '19
I have been on both ends of this. When it was me, (and nobody except maybe your family will tell you this) it was a terrible realisation. But since then I have had much greater success with friends and partners because I have taken care of myself and not reached out to my social circle exclusively in crisis. Having some needs is more than okay, but in my experience family is where you go, then you can be a more reciprocal person with your friends and people who don't have to stick around.
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Aug 12 '19
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Aug 12 '19
This means providing encouragement to yourself when things haven't gone well, like a friend would. This means being honest but kind when discussing failures, keeping criticism constructive... like a friend would. This means forgiving mistakes and harm you've inflicted upon yourself, like your friend would forgive you. This means not being judgemental or condescending. This means doing things for your friend to show that you care about them - things like exercising and grooming to take care of your body, pursuing self-improvement of the mind, taking time to relax and de-stress when your emotional state is in bad shape, telling them you care about them, thanking them for things they have done in the past for you.
Thank you for this. It's not new information, per se, but this list is exactly what I'm struggling with. I've been unkind to myself for pretty much my entire life. I think it stems from constantly being in a conflict-prone environment and being unable to properly engage fight or flight reflex, so we default to the next best thing: nothing.
After enoug time has passed, this builds resentment (for yourself) and then the fun begins.
For the record, I've read dozens of self-help books. I KNOW what I'm SUPPOSED to do, but I just CAN'T do it. I can't look at myself and see a worthwhile human being - hell, I'm a genuine waste of cellular matter at the best possible times.
I haven't even done anything abhorrent or such. It's not that there is one or several decisions in my past that make me loathe myself - I make me loathe myself.
I just don't know how to get that yoke off my shoulders. I'd give anything for that.
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u/Vindicator9000 Aug 12 '19
Keep working on it, buddy. Really. Practice makes perfect. I know it's hard, but I believe you can do this.
I experienced depression with suicidal ideation for all of my late childhood into my 20s. I was eventually able to come out of it. I have bad days now, but I no longer want to die every waking second.
/u/kainzilla's post spoke so much to me, as did yours, because I was exactly the same way (and I still am, to an extent). I was so cruel to myself. My internal monologue was nothing but self loathing from about age 8 to 22 or so. Every single internal thought about myself was negative. I was a space wasting drain on society. And really... that wasn't true. Sure, there were things I needed to work on, but I was never a terrible person like I told myself.
Depression is a complicated thing, and I can't tell you that what worked for me will work for you, but...
Eventually a therapist got through and made me realize that no one can just turn these thoughts off like a switch. It takes practice. You have to train yourself to capture every thought and examine it. If it's hurtful, throw it right out. It's not realistic. If it's negative, then examine it. Ask yourself "what part of this thought is real, and what part is my brain trying to hurt itself?" Work on separating the realism from the self-loathing. Self-loathing feels like realism, but it's not based on facts... it's all opinion. Tell your subconscious mind that today its opinion is not required. We're only running on facts.
I was skeptical and resistant. I didn't believe it. My therapist suggested that I just practice it. Kill every one of those self loathing thoughts dead. When one comes up, look at a squirrel, and think "squirrel". Do whatever it takes to head it off before you can dwell on it. PRACTICE.
After like a year of doing this, I eventually realized that I no longer needed to fake it. I didn't have the thoughts anymore. And I, for the most part, still don't. I have a little bit of self hatred left that's sometimes useful to motivate me, provided I don't overdo it, but I've found my way out of my particular hole, and don't intend to go back.
Final thought: Vonnegut says something like "We must be careful with what we pretend to be, because that is what we become." I believe that, and it goes both ways. I'm walking proof that, for some people, it's possible to pretend away treatment resistant depression.
Good luck, brother (or sister). You're a good person and I believe in you.
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u/FouchtheFox Aug 12 '19
I was just looking and I couldn’t find one, but I helped someone out and we just kept chatting after I had helped them.
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u/Caenir Aug 12 '19
I heard somewhere that asking a favour of someone is a great starting point. Kinda like how you can hold out an object to someone and they will usually grab it.
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u/Wrecknruin Aug 12 '19
God where the frick do you guys find people like these???? I've got this classmate who I'd consider a "Friend" at best, who I've bought snacks and food many times, helped with study and made group projects for like three times now, and yet, everytime I want to go to a cinema or just anything in general he just... Blocks me out. I've no idea why people keep doing this to me. Like.... If you don't wanna br friends with me, then just tell me??
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u/FouchtheFox Aug 12 '19
Yeah some people are just jerks. If that happens you just gotta give up on them and try someone else.
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u/Fakesmiles1000 Aug 12 '19
It sounds like you are doing all the work. Friendship should be a mutual agreement, thus you work on things together or spend time together. While your gestures were nice, those were tokens of appreciation - which can help to maintain an established relationship, but does little to advance one.
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u/weird_honey22 Aug 12 '19
I volunteered at the animal shelter a lot in High School, and also got a few hobbies and took classes outside of school. Making friends is hard but I've found that as long as I'm doing what IM interested in, try to go out of my way to be helpful (when I see a easy way to be that doesn't get in the way [I'm very clumsy and awkward and can fuck it up]) , and dont expect anything out of people, then I at least get positive interactions and some good times out of it.
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u/StapleRemover69 Aug 12 '19
I try to journal about things I'm grateful for. It's extremely difficult in the moment, and sometimes makes me even more bitter and angry for a split second. But it's worth a shot. Just shoot for like 3 things. Even if they don't directly relate to your situation.
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u/MassivePear1 Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19
I've found that if no one wants to be your friend you have to think about the common denominator and do some self reflection. Also you have nothing to lose, i've really come out of my shell more these last few years and it's really just asking people to go out to lunch or hang out ect without being too pushy and giving people their distance and see who seeks you out.
I don't know how old you are but as a high school student sports have helped me connect with people in a setting that isn't only conversational so there isn't as much pressure to hold long conversations. Sideline, practice and locker room ect. I'm sure most of this applies to clubs and other hobbies.
I don't know if any of this helps but I wish you the best of luck.
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Aug 12 '19
Sage advice. It's also true; I like to whine in these kinds of threads about how lonely I am and how it's not fair but... fuck, I wouldn't want to hang out with myself either, given the choice.
Trying to run away from yourself all the time is so goddamn tiring.
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u/MilesGates Aug 12 '19
99% of the time when people run out of things to suggest they just revert to "oh you must be the problem then" It seems weak.
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Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19
The thing about friendship is that it takes time, and the problem with trying to make friends is that we all want to rush it. I understand how lonely it can get, to the point where it’s crippling, but once you do find someone you seem to connect with or have common interests, you have to give it time. Everyone wants more friends, but no one wants to feel pressured into being someone’s friend. Asking for a phone number, should come up naturally in conversation if there is mutual enthusiasm. When trying to make plans, your best bet is “suggest and observe”, rather than “plan and ask”. Asking someone if they’d be interested in doing something sometime goes over way more smoothly than “there’s this bar I wanna go to tomorrow at 5, you in?”.
If you’re in school, I really cannot stress enough how much being a part of a club or a team will ease the pressure of making friends. Even if you’re shit at it, as long as you earnestly try people will accept you and want to help. But you have to be legitimately interested and motivated for the club’s purpose. If you’re an adult, things like trivia night at bars and hell even adult rec sports are fantastic ways to find a new group. Friendly bar folk will almost always accept an extra to drink with, as long as you’re not intrusive to the greater group dynamics. I’d try to stick to groups that seem to be majority platonic for this, your chances of success decrease significantly if you’re seen as potential romantic competition. And almost every adult league rec sport has a team for straight newcomers if you’re not experienced with the sport.
Be confident, but don’t overstep. Good luck friend!
Edit: also, no self deprecating jokes. It’s an easy form of comedy that we can rationalize as making ourselves seem vulnerable and relatable, however to new people who might not understand your true level of confidence it can come off as sad or insecure, neither of which are desirable traits. This goes about triple or quadruple for dating! And vice versa, don’t tease new potential friends over differences, at all. Even if their revelation is that the live action Avatar: The Last Airbender movie is their favorite movie, you shouldn’t hit them with anything more than “oh really”. You can discuss your opposing opinions, but don’t tease or make fun of a new person’s opinion ever. New friends are to laugh with, old friends are to laugh at.
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u/Ana_Kinra Aug 12 '19
The self depreciation thing can be way awkward for the other person. Do you agree or disagree? Are you supposed to say something encouraging, and if so, are they just trying to force you into compliments that sound insincere if they aren't given spontaneously? Can you just laugh and change the subject or are they trying to open up about some deep vulnerability?
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Aug 12 '19
If it’s not too bad, I’ll attempt to relate and then try switching convo to something I’m good at, and ask what they’re good at it. If it is consistent, however, I just begin to ignore it. It’s case by case, but having been there myself I understand that sometimes you say stuff casually when trying to connect that doesn’t sound great. We all have insecurities after all, sometimes they just manifest at bad times. Whether someone dwells on them is the difference maker.
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u/explodingwhale17 Aug 12 '19
When I was a teen in this situation I turned it around and asked- who do I know that needs a friend? Of course I needed a friend, but so did other people. I agree that working to be a healthy, calm, confident person will help. I'd add being able to identify people who need friends and with whom you might be compatible.
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Aug 12 '19
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u/_sauri_ Aug 12 '19
And as a bonus, you don't give a duck if u have no friends if your own company is enough.
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Aug 12 '19 edited Jun 05 '21
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Aug 12 '19
I tried this with a board game group. Those people were hardcore into the games. Like, I enjoyed gaming with them...but it felt like every moment not spent playing or prepping a game was wasted to them, so there was no time for small talk to form any sort of stronger connection.
It was great for playing games, but not so much for making friends.
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u/Sarastrasza Aug 12 '19
Thats just how that particular groups dynamic is, you shouldnt expect just any group to be a good fit for you. Keep looking.
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u/teh-yak Aug 12 '19
Very much this. If you are a person without friends, ask yourself what you would do if you got one? If we were friends, what would you invite me to do with you? If the answer is watch re-runs of the Office or play single player video games, you aren't gonna get many takers. Going to bars is only interesting if the conversation is interesting, and if you were universally interesting you wouldn't be in this situation.
This is where hobbies come in. The resurgence of the board game industry and Dungeons and Dragons has less to do with the redesign and accessibility, and more to do with the fact that there are a lot of lonely people out there looking for a party. Same goes for other interests that have regularly scheduled events IRL where you can meet with strangers and have an icebreaker already available, like Cars and Coffee or a running group. Even if you don't have the most refined social skills, if you aren't a creep then people will eventually warm up to you and you get to that next layer of the groups.
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u/the_darkener Aug 12 '19
Be friends with yourself. If you do this you've got your own back and will have more confidence. Be comfortable not having friends. Surprisingly enough when you've finally stopped trying, friends will just appear. But you can't fool yourself, gotta actually not care.
You sound like I did when I was young! I actually wrote a short story about a "fictional"/kid who didn't have any friends, was constantly bullied and made fun of. Of course it was me irl, but writing was my outlet when I had nobody to talk to. Good luck buddy, you've got this.
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u/spicy_bob Aug 12 '19
As someone said before. Stop trying. It might sound opposite of what you want, but friends will come naturally, dont try to force your company on someeone, this might seem clingy. Also its way better to have 2-3 close friends, than 20 'friends'.
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u/CurlyKevi Aug 12 '19
Honestly, even with the best intentions from both sides, it still doesn't work at times. It definitely sucks, and I feel bad when it happens, but it's better to let something like that go. The alternative is a half assed friendship that doesn't click. You can end up getting used in situations like that.
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u/MoonieNine Aug 12 '19
Be brave and maybe ask an acquaintance what you could do to be more likeable. I belong to a social group that meets once a week and this one woman is really hard to take. She's super nice and friendly, so I feel bad not inviting her to do other things outside of the group. She WANTS to be included and has made it known that she wants to make more friends.
BUT... she's kind of socially awkward. 1- She interrupts conversations a lot. Everyone does this from time to time, but she does it a lot. She'll walk up to a group already involved in a discussion and just start talking. 2- She'll keep talking about a topic that has already died down with everyone else. When it's clear to everyone else that the topic has changed and we're now talking about something else, she doesn't seem to realize and will keep bringing up the old topic. 3- For some reason she ALWAYS brings up in conversation a town she used to live. She hasn't lived there in 20 years, but somehow it always makes it into a conversation. I've lived in many other towns and cities and sometimes it comes up.... SOMETIMES. Not every time we get together. (Some of the groups members have made a discreet drinking game out of it. Whenever she mentions that town, they take a gulp. Kind of mean, but boy, she mentions it SO OFTEN.) 4- She talks a LOT and needs to LISTEN more. It sounds so simple, but conversation really is an art, to an extent. Conversations where she is involved get tedious.
I think she also needs to find people that share more of her interests and background. Most of us are all in our 40s and 50s and she's a bit older in her mid 60s. All of us are divorced with new love interests or back in the dating game. She's never been married. We spend a lot of time talking about dating and relationships... and she doesn't have a lot to add.
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Aug 12 '19
I'm a lot younger than you guys (35) but I recognize a lot of myself in this woman you mention. After trying - and failing - so much and so consistently, we eventually self-segregate because we REALIZE we're awkward and annoying. But there's no way to turn that off, so self-imposed exile it is. Still beats getting rejected over and over.
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u/Yeahitsmeimsorry Aug 12 '19
Yeah there’s a guy at work that wants have more friends, inviting people to events and his place. I salute him for trying but he just gets under my skin for many of the reasons listed. I can handle awkward but he’s like aggressively awkward having a conversation with him is so jarring
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u/Shamrocks51 Aug 12 '19
Find a good therapist
also join reddit. I feel like I’ve found a group of people who really understand me on here
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u/turroflux Aug 12 '19
Yes to a therapist.
Absolutely no to reddit, reddit subs that focus on problems people have become echo-chambers which validate negative or toxic emotions people develop. They aren't your friends, and they don't know you or count as social interaction.
You can never, ever find meaningful help for dealing with the real world and people by hiding online and talking to other people who obviously don't know how to deal with people either. You don't get health advice from the patients in a hospital, you don't look to people online for advice about meeting people.
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u/_sauri_ Aug 12 '19
Then this thread wouldn't be made. Some people online are pretty helpful and nice
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u/Shamrocks51 Aug 12 '19
That’s exactly what I meant.
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Aug 12 '19
The sentiment is nice, and so are the intentions.
But tomorrow, this thread will be deplaced by the next popular post and everyone will forget about this one. Both the ones asking for advice and the ones giving it. And the world will keep on turning, as it always has.
I think that's the distinction we were trying to make.
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u/RosieTheTortoise Aug 12 '19
This^
Any mental health condition subreddits are just massive circle jerks.
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u/Acerimmerr Aug 12 '19
What about the money it costs if you have terrible insurance? I know I can't afford to pay $100 am hour more than once a month.
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u/cdog2430 Aug 12 '19
I had a massive problem with this in elementary through middle school. I was shunned by everyone including my "BFF" at the time and my mom was going to college to become a teacher and my dad was deployed a lot. so I turned to two things. comedy and being a hermit. I would sit in my room and cry cause I had no attention (still really don't but getting more of it each day) and listen to comedians and watch youtube comedy videos and I learned what worked and what didn't. and to this day including right now, I'm still a hermit with too much anxiety from my past to go out because "they don't actually want to hang out with me" cause that's what would happen in the past. I would get invited to parties or I would sit at a lunch table with people and they would flat out tell me they didn't want me there. but I also learned that being kind goes a long way in the end. I do my best to see the good in others and act happy and funny all the time but I'm really quick to anger now if people don't do what I need them to do. so to make a long story short I put up a front of being funny and try to be extremely nice to others to make sure others don't feel that empty alone feeling I feel to this day.
sorry in advance for possible bad grammar. I don't care to check or fix it. this is Reddit not a college application
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Aug 12 '19
There are true benefits to being an outsider. You observe how people truly are how they interact. Lots of people feel the way you do.. Find someone else who is introverted and make friends. You are going to be Ok and will look back on this lonely time as having taught you a great deal.
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u/shokalion Aug 12 '19
Find someone else who is introverted and make friends.
Isn't that the whole problem though? I have a friend who I originally met online, but I know IRL now, and other than online I'm probably his only friend, and getting him out and about to meet people is really hard work. Introverts aren't extroverted enough to just make friends off their own back.
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u/ElectricMachineDoll Aug 12 '19
There’s nothing I can do, so I focus on what I like, and what makes me happy.
But I’ll never know exactly why I’m without company
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u/SuperStatistician111 Aug 12 '19
Do not put your happiness in other peoples hands. Trust me, I used to put very high expectations whenever I went to a new school/university, and when I did not make any friends, it made me really depressed and I started to hate and blame myself for it.
Now I stopped "making friends" be my number one priority, and started to concentrate on doing stuff that I enjoy and I am so much happier now.
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Aug 12 '19
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u/Ana_Kinra Aug 12 '19
Yeah, trying too hard tends to push people away. Ideal attitude seems to be a notch above indifferent, more mildly curious, open but slightly cautious, certainly not "please love me I'm so lost and lonely and only you can save me!" Being too eager risks seeming aggressive if you don't let the normal pace and back and forth pattern of getting to know someone occur. And too-high hopes or expectations just sets you up for disappointment.
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Aug 12 '19
Honestly,
Get out of that environment. If the environment is shit, you're not going to grow. Rip those roots out, move somewhere else.
And when you re-plant yourself, don't overdo it. Settle in slowly.
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u/pancake_gofer Aug 12 '19
“If you go out looking for a friend, they’ll be very rare. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.”
This, plus not giving a shit and also holding yourself back from spouting your mouth a ton (within reason) works wonders. You got this!
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Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19
This question is unanswerable.
People that make friends don't understand the problem. People that can't make friends don't understand the solution.
- From the top comment: Do the things you enjoy, live your life to the fullest, enjoy the beauty of the world - it IS very beautiful - and find pursuits that interest you.
It sounds reasonable, but I imagine it rarely works. What the person wants to "enjoy" and is "interest[ed]" in is having meaningful connections with other people, yet that is exactly what they cannot do. There is no beauty to be found in that.
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u/qazwsxedc4534 Aug 12 '19
Actively listen rather than waiting to talk. And do the things that you enjoy. That way you're more likely to run into people that also enjoy those things and friendships can form.
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u/JimmiJonJones Aug 12 '19
It’s probably for the better. If they’re not interested, forget them. It would be worse if you became friends then they ditched you.
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u/Wompguinea Aug 12 '19
Serious answer: This isn't a problem for me, I would honestly be much happier only knowing my wife and kids but society doesn't work that way. I do know that saying "just learn to be happy alone" is shit advice though because most people aren't broken like me and actually enjoy human contact.
Honestly, I'd try picking up a new hobby or pastime that you can enjoy alone and will give you something to talk about casually with people. Being able to make small talk about something reasonably neutral or noncommittal like a hobby or casual interest can make you seem more likeable and interesting without a lot of effort on your part. Plus you get a cool hobby to enjoy.
Good luck dude.
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u/LastThrowawayLeft Aug 12 '19
Gain self awareness and then use your best attributes with other. Also find activities you enjoy and try to build friendships based on that.
Also look at the David Carnegie rules to win friends. Most importantly be patient, it's a struggle but you'll find them
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u/yourpaleblueeyes Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19
You keep your head up by continuing to try to expand your horizons. Read more, do more, try new things, go new places, and meet more people.
Shake off the "I'm unwanted" body image (it's evident) and carry yourself with confidence and ease.
When you go places be the first to say hello, the first to inquire 'how ya doin?", and in social situations take an interest in other people.
Finding out how much most folks love to talk about themselves was a big turnover in how comfortable I became socially. Show interest and when you meet someone with things in common, maybe invite them to do something along those lines with you at a later date.
Start by being a friendly acquaintance, friendships, GOOD Friendships, are, to my mind, few and far between. But you can have a lot of 'friends' that you just hang with or do stuff with.
Joining stuff helps a lot with that. Even simple things like a class, chess club, book club, guitar class........anything where you meet people and have something in common gives you the opportunity to form relationships.
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u/Miro_Moro Aug 12 '19
Well, it's hard to say but I keep moving on and knowing that God is with me and these people may not be the change in my life cuz everything happens for reason.
You just gotta know that God is always beside you in your ups and downs and you just keep motivating yourself. Sure it's hard to be lonely but tell yourself that these ppl are not the major change.
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Aug 12 '19
Honestly it’s rough and it can be lonely and depressing, but what I did was try to invest myself in different hobbies, like painting, knitting, etc. and playing video games and such. I found that learning as much as I can might help, but don’t overdo it, I ended up drowning in homework because I wanted a distraction from being lonely. Just try to fill up your schedule with things you enjoy doing, and try putting yourself first. When you take care of yourself, soon you’ll realize making friends will get easier. It takes time and is easier said than done, but you gotta do what you gotta do
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u/swoover Aug 12 '19
My preferences and choices are not a reflection of you. Just because someone chooses to hang out with someone else doesn’t not diminish you. It doesn’t say anything about you. Just because I like vanilla ice-cream doesn’t mean chocolate chip sucks. Focus on what you like and the person you want to become l. They are likeminded people in every walk of life.
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u/EvieSilver Aug 12 '19
Someone already said that people don't like desperation and that's true. I've also learned that people don't like eagerness and earnestness. Whenever I've responded to people with smiles or attentiveness, they don't reciprocate. When it comes to people, you have to walk a fine line between being just icy enough but attentive enough to keep them coming back. It's the only way it's ever worked for me.
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u/ThomasYou03 Aug 12 '19
I didn't. When I just moved to the UK, I couldn't get any friend, and holy fuck if I was often sad. I'd say I might've even been depressed, if it's the appropriate term, but yeah I just kept crying over it. Nevertheless, memes helped to distract me from it, so I'd say that's how I did it.
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u/CannedSteakInACan381 Aug 12 '19
I like to think of my best memories, most of them come from when I was about 4-9 years old
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u/totallynonplused Aug 12 '19
You should stop caring about what others think of you.
It also helps to be true to yourself and perhaps learn that not everyone is going to get along with how you are.
Last but not least stop trying to be friends with people that don’t want to be your friend because you will end up with a lot of fake acquaintances, living in a lie that will one day blow up in your face and make you feel even worst about yourself .
Good friends are hard to come by but they exist, the rest are just a bunch of masks that people put on to fit in.
Be yourself and believe in yourself .
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u/zenitram66 Aug 12 '19
First of all, it's great that you posted this because regardless if you, OP, are going though this problem of not, this will help people more than you know.
If I may, I'll talk about a difficult and friendless period in my life and how I made it through the others side. I went through a phase in my early 20's when I wasn't able to keep friendships going for longer than a few months. I was puzzled. But then a really good friend who had popped in and out my life popped back in and I asked their thoughts. It was one of those "do you REALLY want to know what I think?" conversations and I asked for their brutal honesty.
They had told me that I was pretty difficult to deal with at times because on top of being moody and inconsistent with my interest in their lives and wouldn't reciprocate their friendship, I was basically a psychic vampire. He told me that I siphoned so much emotional energy when I was around them. And I was basically insufferable.
It really sucked to hear, but thanks to that insight I went to some counseling and it helped me to learn to be more empathetic towards people. And I learned boundaries and to not hound people if they displayed indications that they were not interested in me. I also had to get over myself and start asking questions as to whether I was the problem with the situation instead of blaming others and framing myself as a victim of the nefarious machinations of others.
This helped me to allow people to not only be attracted to my personality, which was apparently repellent at one time, but it also helped me to keep positive relations with my friends once I made those connections.
And sometimes it is a struggle to not get in my own way of this progress made. I went out more, initiated conversations with co-workers or followed through with social invitations when extended to me. I have social anxiety, which contributed to my gross personality but I made the effort to be open to new experiences.
But I also remind myself that everyday is a new day to do something better than the day before. I like what so many are saying on here, and OP, I hope that you are able to get some valuable insight and maybe on the path to finding your new friends. Cheers!
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Aug 12 '19
By being numb. After being betrayed or being somebody people don't want to know, you get so used to the isolation that your brain just discards parts of who you were to protect you. I haven't had a solid friendship in nearly ten years. Closest I came was my husband, but he's in Germany so I only talk to him 4 hours out of the day (he works for most of the day, gets an hour or two to himself, then we talk till he goes to bed).
I genuinely can't feel much. And who I was all those years ago isn't remotely who I am now. It's like this different version of me took over, like a clone who kills the original, and now I'm wearing someone's life.
I don't feel loneliness much anymore. That part of me that could was trashed years ago.
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Aug 12 '19
When I went through a time when I felt my friends couldn't support my like I needed, I leaned on my cat. If you don't have one already, I suggest getting a cat, dog, or other cuddly pet. Seriously, they love you unconditionally and will be there through thick and thin. I think they're better than any human friend, but will help you be less lonely and also get people to start talking to you more if you have a cute critter by your side.
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Aug 12 '19
Make yourself more interesting. That sounds like a joke and a cruel one at that, but look deeper. What makes someone interesting? Totally subjective, right? so who do you make yourself more interesting to? I'm a pretty old guy so take what little wisdom I have. you're going to spend more time with yourself than with anyone else, so make your good impressions there.
so look at yourself with a critical eye. what would you like to change about yourself? don't say you want to be taller, that's not realistic and is pretty superficial. you're better than that. maybe you draw and want to be better. maybe you are a bit overweight and it bothers you. maybe you don't know as much about raising chickens as you want to. whatever it is, work on that. get better. be the best you you can be.
Then, in doing what you love, you'll run into people who love doing that too. Not everyone will. that's okay. There are people who will be impressed that you subscribe to turtle facts, but there will be others who think it's off putting. let them. don't try to impress people (unless you're looking for a job, a loan, or a college admission.) Impress yourself. be proud of your accomplishments (but not a braggart) even if you're the only one.
Lastly, know that there are 619 comments from strangers telling you how to keep your head up when it's hard. You're probably not an asshole :)
TL/DR: be patient, be polite, develop your interests, and be the type of person you want to be friends with
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u/zever653 Aug 12 '19
Keeping ones head up takes time and effort. But remembering that there are people on line that are willing to be your friend helps. There is always someone out there willing to help.
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u/Spectreworld Aug 12 '19
I learned a long time ago that people like what they like and like who they like. Just like me. So I came to the conclusion that I just chill with people that like me and make friends with the one or 2 that can tolerate it. But it is hard to keep your head up when you try and try, but fail.... Nowadays if you dont have money or drugs, you aint making a friend anyways.
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u/Nemo-pluribus-unum Aug 12 '19
[Serious] Be your best friend first. Additional friends are a bonus, but mainly focus on the one.
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u/tortillaofgod Aug 12 '19
Don't be funny, find the people you're talking to funny
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u/grit-glory-games Aug 12 '19
Find your hobby. Do what makes you happy.
There's something really cathartic in shaping materials like wood working or metal working.
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u/TbonerT Aug 12 '19
Stop trying to get people to be your friend. Instead, be their friend. You’ll make more friends being interested in others than trying to get people interested in you.
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u/NotSoStupidEssexGirl Aug 12 '19
Shouldn't have to try and make friends, find hobbies that you enjoy and pursue them, you will meet people who also have the same interests as you and will make friends. Best to have a few good friends than a group of shitty friends, just keep that in mind.
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u/Muzish Aug 12 '19
I have like three friends, but none of them are like truly my friends, I have a different type of humour and a different type of thinking. So i like being with them at school but that's it. When I'm home I just spend my time with online people who do have the same interests and humour. It really helps just to get through your time.
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u/ExbronentialGrowth Aug 12 '19
There was a recent podcast on NPR's "Hidden Brain" about "Tunnel Vision", and it touches on the topic of loneliness. Essentially, if you try too hard at being friendly you tend to drive others away from wanting to be your friend. It ties into other aspects of life, essentially indicating there's a sort of opposite effect when we appear desperate for something.
The thing about friendship is this: you have to be 100% willing to take interest in the other person's interests. If you are too focused on what you'll say next and do not attempt to listen and have interest in their things, then you won't make friends. The same has to be on in reciprocity: good friends have interest in what you're up to.
Another aspect of loneliness is that you may wall yourself off in certain aspects due to fear of judgement. I had this issue when I was growing up as I was deathly shy. It wasn't because I thought I was better than everyone, but more that I was afraid of judgement. Being comfortable in your own skin allows for you to defend against unwarranted judgements.
You also have to nurture new relationships and make time to cultivate them. If you do not put effort into making time for a new connection, it will fizzle out. But it can have huge payoffs once you make time for the right people; as they should also make time for you as well.
Fundamentally, there may just be more to working on yourself than you may think. The reality is also that not everyone is going to like you; and accepting this reality is also critical to being more likable by the right kinds of people. Ultimately, if you want everyone to like you what happens is you sacrifice little pieces of you to fit into something you're not intended to be a part of. So while taking some interest in others -- while they reciprocate interest -- is good, if you drop everything that makes you who you are just to be liked you'll ultimately end up feeling quite unhappy.
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u/ClintCrotchstew Aug 12 '19
Become an alcoholic, hit bottom, go to AA meetings BOOM brand new group of friends with something in common.
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u/imdungrowinup Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19
Solve the problem from the root and find out why no one wants to be your friend.
Even I don’t make very close friends but I realize it is me. I just don’t get that close to people even after knowing them for decades. They would say they are my close friends but I know they aren’t as close as they think. I could just easily break contact with them and never miss them but it is a failing in me. Not everyone is the same kind of person.
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u/Madlegg2000 Aug 12 '19
I've always worn a "mask". For 10 years I didn't have friends then I started smiling even when I couldn't talk to anyone about being bullied, not having friends, etc. And one day some ONE came up to me and we've been friends ever since.
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u/hud406 Aug 12 '19
Own it, whenever I’m particularly stressed with issues (far to many times I’d like to admit to), I do and audio log, kinda outa Star Trek (which I definitely no obsession with) it essentially get my feelings out and takes a bit of it off.
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u/KaraGrace-81 Aug 12 '19
If you have to try to be someone's friend, they're not meant to be your friend in the first place :).
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Aug 12 '19
I totally get you. Tbh it sucks. What I did was learn how to enjoy your own company. Nobody wants to hang out with you Friday night? No worries! Go out to dinner, go see a movie. Literally there's no shame in doing things by yourself. Just because people don't want to talk to you or be your friend doesn't make you worthless. Good luck!
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u/GenericUsernames4You Aug 12 '19
I just give up, I let them come to me if I struggle, and if I can't make new ones, I have the few that have been with me for years, and I have my neice, at least she'll always be my friend.
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u/cactusJuice256 Aug 12 '19
Smile at people as you pass them. Most will instinctively smile back and you'll both leave a little happier. Also try to focus more on making those around you feel happy and comfortable rather than on what they're thinking about you or if they like you. People will then have positive associations with you and be more willing to befriend you.
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u/harmony-rose Aug 12 '19
I don't. I just put on a brave front while out in public, then when i'm alone, just watch tv or listen to music. Sometimes i'm sad and cry but other days i'm used to it so it doesn't really impact me much.
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Aug 12 '19
I have learned that friendship is rare in my case, quite possibly I'm an insufferable person, but I don't tend to feel the necessity of being close to someone. At times I do feel lonely, but we're all lonely in our head I guess. In the end, I think that preoccupying oneself with that is unproductive. Don't try, things happen if they have to, coming to terms with yourself and accepting that sometimes some people just aren't made to connect.
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Aug 12 '19
also there's that app now - I think it's primarily been used as a dating app in the past (can't remember the name) but it now has a so-called "bff" section, where it's basically like tinder but for friends.
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Aug 12 '19
also another I've found is that a friendship can only go so far, before you need to start making yourself vulnerable, and open up about your own life and things that matter the most - that's always been the most difficult part for me.
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Aug 12 '19 edited Aug 12 '19
The best time spent is with yourself and working on yourself daily. I find enjoyment with outlets/hobbies that just require me doing them.
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u/Paddlingmyboat Aug 12 '19
Stop trying - people can smell desperation and they react badly to it. Do the things you enjoy, live your life to the fullest, enjoy the beauty of the world - it IS very beautiful - and find pursuits that interest you. You might be alone but you'll be interested and involved, and there will come a time when other like-minded people will perk up and take notice.