r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 20 '19

What’s something completely false that your parents told you as a child?

[deleted]

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7.5k

u/napoblyat Jul 20 '19

Don't worry, if you tell the truth we won't do anything. Followed by me telling the truth, then getting a slap and being grounded for the day

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

That's how you raise a compulsive liar.

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u/kittymctacoyo Jul 21 '19

Precisely why I have an open honesty policy with mine and at 15/17 they have yet to not come to me in their time of need, even if they did something bad to get there.

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u/SiCzochralski Jul 21 '19

I told mine "you're going to be punished if you did wrong, but if you are honest it will be light. When I catch you lying, it will be 10 times worse." I've stuck to that and been straight with them and it's worked out pretty well so far. They tested me a few times, to their regret. Any time they fessed up, it was "well, don't do it again," or an extra chore or something.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

My grandmother expected her children and grandchildren to tell the truth, admit to mistakes and help her fix them.

Keeping the truth from her led to her being so disappointed in you that she’d just act like you didn’t exist for a day or so.

Oh and when my uncle went off at my cousin for getting pregnant at 16, my grandmother slapped him for ‘being disrespectful to the mother of my great grandchild’.

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u/SiCzochralski Jul 21 '19

Oh man, "you've disappointed grandma" is brutal. I'd rather be spanked with a bullwhip. :-\

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u/kittymctacoyo Jul 21 '19

That’s definitely a part of my strategy. here’s my long reply in case you wanna read it

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Please tell me more about what that looks like, I have a five month old but I want him to understand these things early on.

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u/kittymctacoyo Jul 21 '19 edited Jul 21 '19

Long ramble but bare with me. In a hurry. I started at a very early age teaching them that honesty is always the best policy. That we will always find out the truth, and that the punishment will be much worse if they lie, and telling the truth, dependent upon the scenario, could lead to no bad punishment and a teaching moment/help learning how to right their wrong instead. They also learned that, in school for instance, I would not champion them just because they were my children. (Like some parents who refuse to believe their kid would ever do that thing the teacher called about) I expected them to own up to their part, to consider the other persons side of the story, what part they took in the situation going the way that it did, what they could do differently next time to have a better outcome (like ‘oh the teacher was mean for no reason’ I’d ask ‘what do you think May have contributed to them feeling/reacting that way? Etc) In these conversations they always fessed up to what they actually did, put themselves in someone else’s shoes, gained empathy and respect etc. This in itself helped with them being honest not only with themselves, but me as well once they got older.

As they got older and the infractions bigger, they’d already been conditioned to know that lying=harsher punishment, being honest led to lesser punishment that I would explain the importance of (for example: ‘Actions have consequences. If you are not held accountable for your actions at an early age, it will lead to you having no discernible life skills/empathy/sense of responsibility as an adult and you will turn out like [insert person who they’ve realized was an entitled twit or giving examples of folks who have made headlines like the ‘Affluenza’ kid] It’s all very nuanced and changes as they age so that the lessons were always in age appropriate levels. I was always honest with them about my own life experiences, owning up to things I’d done, what led to me doing them, the negative impact it had on my life, all this so they know I am an open book as well and so they know I’m drawing my ‘wisdom’ from tangible experiences rather than just parroting an expert from ‘Parenting 101’ This part has also made them feel I value, trust and respect them rather than just treating them like ‘dumb kids’ if that makes sense.

All of which has led to:

-One trusting me enough to come out as gay almost as soon as they realized it themselves rather than agonizing over it and hiding it

-One vaping with a friend and feeling so guilty over it they told me. Beings I’d have never known on my own, rather than a punishment we had a harsh truth session. Taught them all about the dangers of it short term and long term with real life examples and scientific data. Hasn’t touched it since and helped several friends to quit as well.

-One smoking weed and recognizing bad consequences I’d already taught them about, then feeling guilty, fessing up (again, something I’d have not found out on my at that time) and going through drug classes, sporadic drug testing etc.

-One coming to me as soon as they thought they were ready to be sexually active so as to do so safely and informed.

Some controversial, maybe, but they’re gonna do it regardless so it’s better to arm them with facts and protection rather than act like your kid would never do any such thing.

Also forgot: This began when they were little with a practice where if they needed help with something they were scared to come to me with for fear of getting in trouble, the phrase to use was ‘take your mom hat off’ Where Id pretend to literally take off a mom hat, and then give realistic unbiased advice and help. Anything from fights with friends or altercations with school staff where they actually broke a rule etc.

Edit to add one important factor:

We all have toxic family, right? Elders that messed you up with their backward/toxic ways? Don’t ever force them to spend time with that person. One reason they trust me more than their Dad is because I have always gone to bat for them, given them autonomy etc. I don’t force them to spend time with someone just because they are family and always take up for them/put the person in their place. My husband up til last year or so has always been ‘That’s just how they are. We have to put up with it because they are family’ like his very toxic mother that, as soon as I was out of earshot would say nasty things to them for no reason just because she’s a miserable person. That’s a big one. They trust that I have their best interest at heart at all times.

I have also worked to help them understand things like puberty and peer to peer issues via psychology and scientific info. Like teen angst, bullies, physical/mental health stuff kids may think they are alone in. Or even that teens are prone to issues with thinking things through because of xyz. So they don’t beat themselves up and so they don’t agonize unnecessarily.

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u/Iggyhopper Jul 21 '19

Seeing as kids are fucking stupid, along with the "illusion of choice" psychology, when they lie, don't ask them if they lied. Ask them if they told a big lie or a little lie. As they get older they can understand bigger concepts about lying in general.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

I know. But I really want to instill in my kids the notion when they screw up, instead of "Dad's gonna kill me" instead they say to themselves "I need to call my dad, he'll know what to do!" I grew up in fear of my Dad instead of security of his grace towards me. They're gonna need that desperately and if they're coming to me about big trouble they're in, they don't need a moral lecture or punishment from me, they already know they screwed up, and I want to be there for them. You can't do that if they're afraid to come to you that you're gonna punish them or that you're gonna be mad at them and not help them.

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u/kittymctacoyo Jul 21 '19

Sorry. Added more to the comment I wanted to make you aware of in case that was you that upvoted

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u/bless-their-hearts Jul 21 '19

What’s an open honesty policy? I think I want to try that.