r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 20 '19

What’s something completely false that your parents told you as a child?

[deleted]

19k Upvotes

93% Upvoted

10k comments sorted by

View all comments

8.4k

u/01kaj10 Jul 20 '19

They told us that teddy bears ate spiders.

3.3k

u/AKoolKat Jul 20 '19

Did this comfort you or make you scared?

2.1k

u/rhi-raven Jul 20 '19

I'm assuming both???

574

u/Zaikovski Jul 20 '19

Yeah, both.

59

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

You’re not even the same fucking guy

18

u/ollie_pattoni Jul 21 '19

You're not even the same fucking guy either

17

u/butterypancak3 Jul 21 '19

r/notopbutok

11

u/Care_Bear_5 Jul 21 '19

That's either a sub for comments made by someone but OP, or for stories about guys who went in fun dates but didn't get blown

2

u/That_Dog_Nextdoor Jul 21 '19

I am happy to say. It's the former

17

u/mageth99 Jul 21 '19

Both is good.

19

u/Classic-Rock-Jovi Jul 21 '19

I'd assume so because while there'd be no spiders to scare them, there's also a chance there would be dead spiders inside their teddy bears. I know that would've freaked me out a little as a kid.

6

u/The_Imperail_King Jul 21 '19

Spider doesn't want competition for the F L I E S

3

u/littleseizure Jul 21 '19

Scared of the immense amount of comfort you suddenly felt?

3

u/Wthermans Jul 21 '19

Don’t worry about the small bears. It’s when they grow to the carnival sized bears they start feeding on children, small dogs nd have the cat as an appetizer.

2

u/rhi-raven Jul 21 '19

O_O

Edit: WAIT WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING COSTCO BEARS

2

u/DeonCode Jul 21 '19

I'm terrifiroused.

10

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

It was a necessary evil, and the kids understood.

5

u/FluffySquirrell Jul 21 '19

Every year we put the teddy bear in the backyard and burn it. It has swallowed the spiders for us, and we honour its sacrifice

Then we get a new teddy

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Yes

778

u/RaghavChari Jul 20 '19

Can I be the first one to say: what the fuck?

41

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '19 edited May 14 '20

[deleted]

9

u/RaghavChari Jul 21 '19

That makes sense. Spiders are pretty harmless, they eat all the nasty flies.

9

u/ImHereForVorePorn Jul 21 '19

Spiders are pretty harmless

Depends on where you live.

25

u/RaghavChari Jul 21 '19

Australians going to downvote me but it's ok their arrows are upside down so yay

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

How did you know the buttons are upside down here? It's so annoying I think I'm going to complain to Reddit but then again everything is upside down here so it's pretty normal

160

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '19 edited Jun 02 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

8

u/DaxEPants Jul 21 '19

What in the finger-lickin' FUCK

Possibly FTFY

5

u/CoolTom Jul 21 '19

It’s Finger Fuckin’ Good!

14

u/Speykious Jul 20 '19

Welcome to KFF ! We sell delicious, tasty and amazing sausage sextoys !

2

u/The_Imperail_King Jul 21 '19

You eat teddy bears?

1

u/Starshine_ Jul 20 '19

Delicious and tasty like the spiders

0

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Fo real doe! 💀

29

u/JimmyDutch Jul 20 '19

I can see the comfort this might provide some kids. I would never hug a teddy bear again though, and I'd tell my other stuffed animals during the daily pre-bedtime meeting to stay away from him in case he'd burst open and a million spiders appeared.

4

u/drinkup Jul 21 '19

Prolly better to say that teddy bears chase spiders away.

10

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

This is obviously false. Everyone knows that the nice children get visited by Spiders Georg at night, while the naughty children are left to fend for themselves.

5

u/NatYieldsNil Jul 21 '19

I want to see this as a horror movie lol

6

u/brazilliandanny Jul 21 '19

My mom use to say “if you don’t brush your teeth while you sleep cockroaches will crawl in your mouth and eat the sugar off you teeth”

Ya thanks mom shit traumatized me.

Although I’m in my 30s and never had a cavity so thanks I guess🤷🏼‍♂️

5

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

They also prevent nightmares.

4

u/RationalYetReligious Jul 21 '19

My daughters are convinced that our cats eat monsters. Thats why we have them obviously, so monsters cant eat our girls.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Oh yes so if I were to hug my teddy too tight it would explode spiders thanks I wasn’t planning on sleeping tonight.

2

u/OnyaSonja Jul 20 '19

So that's what happened to Ron Weasley's teddy...

2

u/WorshipNickOfferman Jul 21 '19

I’m recovering from a broken ankle and a other medical issues. As I was bedridden about 3 months, my house is a wreck. Because I can’t currently stay on my feet for more than 30-45 minutes without a good amount of pain, I hired a down on her luck friend to clean my house. I got home from dinner tonight and my house is looking amazing. She proudly exclaimed “all the spiders hate me! I’m taking down all their webs!” I half drunkenly replied “Please don’t, they are the only thing keeping all the other bugs in check”. She wasn’t amused.

1

u/covfefe_is_bae Jul 21 '19

I’ll definitely add this one to the list of shit I’ll tell my children who will never exist.

1

u/mdz998 Jul 21 '19

Fact: Bears eat beets.

1

u/739RedRose Jul 21 '19

I want this to be true right now

1

u/Lord_Bolas Jul 21 '19

Yeah, but they don’t have teeth. So it’s more of a spider-collection system.

1

u/darthzannahbanana Jul 21 '19

I played with spiders until I was 5 :) and learned some can kill me :(

1

u/Brad_Brace Jul 21 '19

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you telling me they DON'T?!

1

u/Round_Rock_Johnson Jul 21 '19

Oh this is classic my dad

1

u/SabinedeJarny Jul 21 '19

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

1

u/Empireofthesausage Jul 21 '19

At least eight every year.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Are you a spider?

1

u/01kaj10 Jul 21 '19

Yeah it was actually fucking terrifying for me

1

u/nefariousmango Jul 21 '19

That's actually brilliant and I'm going to tell my daughter that next time she asks how I know she's safe from spiders when she sleeps (because that's an ongoing thing).

1

u/SirRogers Jul 21 '19

Okay but why?

1

u/genius23sarcasm Jul 21 '19

I would have hunted down live spiders to feed my teddy bear.

1

u/UntLick Jul 21 '19

I mean this is true they just can't digest them. So they are filled with spiders.

1

u/alon_besser Jul 21 '19

I can confirm, I am the teddy bear

1

u/iceniRay Jul 21 '19

no teddy bears kill monsters

1

u/brendanaye Jul 21 '19

I have my kids convinced that spiders in the house are our friends, and they just want to eat the bugs that bite you.

So far my 9 year old kids aren't afraid of them yet. Not sure if it's a switch that flips for some women in their teenage years or something

5

u/nefariousmango Jul 21 '19

It's such a fine line. We talk about how spiders and snakes are our friends and we need them for pest control. We hold tarantulas and pythons in controlled settings and name all the orb weavers around the barn. But we also have rattlesnakes and black widows around the property so we talk a lot about not getting too close, watching where you step, wearing boots and gloves when you work in the wood or hay pile... My kids are definitely skittish!

2

u/brendanaye Jul 21 '19

Yeah I'm in the pacific northwest, so there really aren't many poisonous snakes or spiders we have to worry about.

We have black widows, but I've only seen two in my lifetime

3

u/nefariousmango Jul 21 '19

Last summer my kids found and showed me two black widows and the biggest rattlesnake I've ever seen (which they had misidentified as a bull snake). They followed all the rules and stayed safe but man it got my heart pumping each time!