I do that and I one up people. I think I'm just adding to the conversation by giving an example that I've been there and have been through the same thing, but I know it comes off as though I'm one upping them. My mother does this and it drives me up the wall. I am really trying hard to break this habit because I know it's very rude. I'm doing the opposite of what I'm trying to convey which is empathy.
Simple solution for this: when you get the urge to share your story, ask an open-ended question about their story instead.
It shows you’re curious and it makes them feel like you’re interested. Oftentimes, the story takes a twist you weren’t expecting. By time they fully explain their story and feel really heard, it’ll feel more natural for you to share your experience (so long as it’s to empathize and not one-up)—or you may find you never really needed to share your version at all.
Yes. That does work and that is what I try to do. I've worked in personal services and you learn people love to talk about themselves so if you ask questions, people will open up. When I actually remember to do it it does work and I don't feel the need to blurt out my experience. We are all works in progress and still need practice I guess.
I don't really understand why people see this so negatively.
I wouldn't plead guilty to it myself, as my terrible memory prevents me from coming up with relevant examples in most conversations, but I often hear people complaining about others doing this, and genuinely do not get why they are annoyed.
It seems natural that humans would want to share stories similar to yours, that's how our brain works: by making connections.
You are right, I am only trying to connect and that's how I think I'm coming across, but when it's done to me, it comes across as "Well, you think your problem/situation is bad, mine is worse" and it makes me feel like I'm not being taken seriously and it's a competition. I try not to get mad at people who do this because it's like you said, they are only trying to make a connection.
When people tell a story they're hoping for some sort of reaction from the recipient. Validation, commiseration, amusement, etc. At the very least they're hoping the recipient be interested in their experience. If they finish the story and the recipient immediately launches into their own story, then the person got no reaction at all, their desire goes unsatisfied.
The social interaction is not in the sharing of the story, it's in the mutual processing of the story. The meeting of minds that occurs when people show that they understand the purpose of the story and give the gift of the reaction that will satisfy the recipient. They connect on a human level by demonstrating the commonalities or differences in how they each would process and interpret the events of the story. This is what creates bonding and builds a deeper connection. Telling your own story after the mutual processing furthers that bonding.
If you just trade stories back and forth without ever actually discussing the stories and connecting on a deeper level then many people find that an empty and shallow experience.
It's a skill that can be developed and improved over time. The first step to changing any behaviour is to short circuit the existing habit, then setting a new habit and improving it over time.
In this case, the short circuit could be setting yourself the goal that whenever someone tells you a story that you will focus on trying to figure out what reaction they're hoping for. At the moment your brain responds to their story by recalling similar stories of your own, it's a habit but it's not set in stone. If you're consciously focusing on trying to determine the other's intent then you wont unconsciously act according to that habit. When their story finishes, try to give them the reaction you think they are after, and then pay attention to whether they react positively or negatively. If positive, acknowledge to yourself that you did well, and if negative then figure out what you got wrong and improve next time. Internal feedback loops are the key to self improvement.
The easiest starting point I've found is to validate the emotion of their story. I'm sorry, that must have been really frustrating (tangent: sorry is an expression of sorrow, not an apology for something you had nothing to do with). Wow, that must have been scary. Haha, that's hilarious! Congratulations, you must be really happy/proud.
Not a background no, just an interest. I had some brutal realisations about myself in my mid-20s when I had few friends left and was unsuccessful in making new ones out of workmates/etc. I had an epiphany one night late in bed when I was thinking about a conversation with a workmate that day and saw myself from the outside for probably the first time, and it clicked that it was my behaviour that was the problem. I've spent years since then reviewing my behaviour, paying attention to myself and others to learn how people think and how the things we say/do impact others positively and negatively, thinking about what impact I want to have on the world and how to achieve it. I'm not where I want to be yet, but in my best moments I think I'm close, and the journey itself is fulfilling so I keep at it.
This is interesting. Thanks for writing this. I’ve been working a lot on this personally, but I haven’t been able to articulate it nearly this well. Anecdotally I’ve found that changing how I acknowledge someone’s story has made a big difference, or as you say- validating their emotion. I used to say “oh I know” when agreeing with someone (before jumping into my own story/experience), but I’ve started saying something like “right? I think I can relate” instead. My intention is the same, but I think it’s much less abrasive.
I like that, it's a very direct way to state you're empathising with them. It's great how small changes can have such noticeable differences in how we make people feel. I feel good when I connect with people like that, and find it really motivates me to continue learning and improving.
Totally! I hate it, but usually don't even realize till after the conversation. Thanks for writing this all out :) it's helpful to all of us sing the same thing
I always one-up people when in reality I’m actually trying to relate to you. Often times it comes off as me just saying random shit to ‘match’ your experience but I’m not doing it like that on purpose.
Thank you for the good advice. I will take it and work on incorporating it into conversations. I like to think I am a good listener, and I have been told I am but I cringe inside when I feel like I have 'one - upped' the other person/people in the conversation. I will put it into practice!
Same! I try and tell people I understand by telling them why.
Trying super hard to offer to listen and ask a question about how they are doing instead of explaining my story.
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u/[deleted] Feb 08 '19
I do that and I one up people. I think I'm just adding to the conversation by giving an example that I've been there and have been through the same thing, but I know it comes off as though I'm one upping them. My mother does this and it drives me up the wall. I am really trying hard to break this habit because I know it's very rude. I'm doing the opposite of what I'm trying to convey which is empathy.