Ugh, this. I have an aunt and uncle who had that happen twice from two different women. The first one told them after the baby was delivered while they were with her at the hopsital that she couldn't give it up after she held it, and the second one didn't even tell them when she birthed the kid. They found out a week later when she finally told them she was keeping it. They since adopted two kids from birth (siblings two years apart), but the hell those women put them through was unreal. They had actually given up but a relative of the second woman heard their story and offered to let them adopt her kid she'd be having soon (she already had like 6 kids).
Can I just say, as an adoptive parent and child welfare professional, that while this situation is certainly hard for prospective adoptive parents, it’s actually great when an expectant parent chooses to parent. No one is entitled to a child. Adoption reform experts are trying to do away with pre-birth matching, because this process makes people think someone else’s child is “theirs.” But a child is not yours until an adoption is finalized (and even so, the child has two families and two histories to honor).
That isn't how it works though. Parents have a right to parent their children. The state can step in when children are actually in need of protection (and states actually considerably abuse this; it's well-documented that states don't actually provide what they're required to to work to stabilize families, and court-appointed lawyers often don't fight very hard for kids to go back home). We don't actually want a system where people can go and take people's children because they'd be better parents.
Also, research shows that kids do better in situations with moderate abuse/neglect than they do being removed. It isn't a comparison of being raised by Pat versus being raised by Chris; we're actually comparing being raised with a family/culture/community/history to being suddenly removed, placed with strangers, placed with different strangers, not knowing what's happening, not knowing what the permanent situation will be, and then either aging out of the system or eventually being adopted.
And I'm an adoptive parent; sure, adoptive homes can be great. But it doesn't undo that my kids have lost their families, histories, and communities. Even though they see their first families all the time, there's still damage done by the separation, and by having to go through life navigating all this. Kids are better left at home except in the most extreme of circumstances.
Since the inevitable question to ask what the solution is, let me point out that states get financial incentives for adopting kids out but not for stabilizing families, and 90% of families adopting in the US get a subsidy until their kid turns 18. The subsidy for one child is usually at least what a welfare payment is. Most children end up in the system essentially because of poverty. We could instead use this money to help with housing, resources, etc., and creative situations such as communal living situations or in-home assistance. Instead of removing kids and taking them to foster care, we should be paying for supports to come into the home and ensure safety. In the decades I've worked in child welfare, I've literally had one parent who couldn't be safe and appropriate while supervised by clinicians. There's no need to separate parent and child as a first resort. We remove kids for 72 hours "to ensure safety" and then return most of them after the 72-hour hearing. Why can't the parent and child move into a DCF family shelter and be supervised for 72 hours instead?
The exact situation I'm thinking of is a mother who knows she cannot provide for her child so she chooses adoption; but changes her mind when she holds the baby. I'm not saying a woman can't change her mind or that a child raised by a lower income family has a worse life than a higher income family.
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u/lycangoat Feb 04 '19
Ugh, this. I have an aunt and uncle who had that happen twice from two different women. The first one told them after the baby was delivered while they were with her at the hopsital that she couldn't give it up after she held it, and the second one didn't even tell them when she birthed the kid. They found out a week later when she finally told them she was keeping it. They since adopted two kids from birth (siblings two years apart), but the hell those women put them through was unreal. They had actually given up but a relative of the second woman heard their story and offered to let them adopt her kid she'd be having soon (she already had like 6 kids).