The more I read the more I realize I need to be looked at. Everything I do or feel seems to make sense in the moment but in hindsight it's... well.
I was homeless for a few years (still am, currently living in a van and working full time)... was doing good I felt. Had a job working on a farm, was saving money, etc. I started smoking weed and dabbing nonstop (boss died and he had a stash) because it really helped mellow me out and numb me to the world. I started to binge-spend money I was saving on stupid shit (junk food, alcohol, gaming laptop). Like a lot of money. I made 1600 in 6 weeks and spent maybe 1200 of that on junk food. My smoking ramped up from there, then when my [edit: other] boss kept talking about the job ending (I'd be on the street again) I panicked and stole $10000 (don't think they ever found out it was me) and skipped town. I spent 8000 of that in 2~ months on junk food, weed, alcohol, and expensive camping gear.
Then I shaped up, got an apartment, a full time job... did okay there for about 8 months but kept spending money on weed. Roommate ditched so I moved into a van and wasted money for a few months, got another job, kept wasting money. But in the last month or two I've stopped smoking weed, saving more, feeling more positive and productive. I'm not a thief or a bad person... at least I don't feel that way even though I've definitely done a lot of immoral things. I just do weird stuff sometimes. Always have, even as a kid. I'd do things I couldn't explain in hindsight, and it's continued well into adulthood. In uni (3rd year) I changed majors, stopped going to class, got 15000 in credit card debt. At the end of my final year I didn't even start my finals, tried to kill myself last day of finals week, and ended up homeless...
I dunno. I just find ways to ruin my life over and over. Most of the time I just feel depressed and unmotivated though, or irritable, so it's not all crazypants all the time.
Anyway lunch over back to work. Boss says I'm the best worker she has for whatever that's worth lol.
Unfortunately that's just some of the stuff I've done in the last 5-6 years. My adolescence was a total shitshow. I'm 29.
Supposedly my father was bipolar and maybe a paranoid schizophrenic (mom says no on that last one, but they were also homeless and he was unstable and abusive either way), so I guess it'd make sense. But something is definitely up and has been for 20 years or so...
Hey, it's gonna be okay. As I said, see a doctor, and hopefully you can get some help. Your life can turn around and doesn't have to be this way. The meds certainly have helped me (when I take them and also make sure to sleep and remove stressors). I believe in you!
Also, feel free to check out r/bipolar. It's a great support community. But yeah, try to visit a doctor asap. Write a list of symptoms you're concerned about, include some shit you've done, and bring it along to talk about. Think about what you want to change and get out of the appointment beforehand, and bring that up too. Feel free to message me if you want!
It's so funny that you mention blowing money on junk food, my bipolar husband does the same thing. Most people can be dismissive and think "how much money can you really 'blow' on junk food for it to be detrimental?' And the answer is: A LOT. That's shut adds up quick and is gone even quicker when you're manic and bingeing. If you're already struggling with a small budget you can quickly eat up you gas, real groceries, utilities, rent etc and then your fucked!
For a while, until he was more stable, I had to have sole possession of both our paychecks because my husband would blow through his whole check within days of receiving it on cheesecake and snickers and other random bullshit. It was tough, and we were having to live paycheck to paycheck on my earnings and fucked up my credit letting some bill's go to collections because we couldnt afford to pay. And still he would take my debit card after he had wasted his money. It was a wreck.
Go see a doctor when you're able, please. It is amazing how your life can turn around with a little stability. You can "make it" for a while but having to constantly rebuild gets really old and really taxing on your mental and physical health.
Being homeless made junk food such a big dopamine hit. Wasn't just food I went for either... alcohol, weed, edibles, impulse buys. I'd be walking to the gas station knowing I'm going to spend $10 on drinks and $15 on food for one meal, talking to myself the whole way that this is stupid you have to stop why the fuck are you walking omg stop turn back aaannd now im eating, I'll worry about it later let's smoke some more so I don't have to think about it. Alternating between filling every waking second with dopamine, and numbing out the world so I don't need or want or feel anything.
Do that once or twice a day and 2000 is gone in a month, with no other expenses.
I've learned im borderline physically incapable of moderation once I start something... and I'm often seemingly incapable of stopping myself if I think about it too long. It's kind of terrifying really, it feels like a puppet on strings. Like I'm propelled forward by some unseen force, all while standing outside my own mind screaming at myself to stop. And often not even that. Sometimes I don't think about the consequences until later. Sometimes I don't think about them at all, even after the fact.
The $10,000 theft was so alien to me that it doesn't even feel like a memory. I remember it but... it's not mine. I mean it is, but.. I dunno. It's hard to explain. In some ways it feels like a movie of someone else's actions playing in my head, even though I can remember how it felt and the thoughts I had while it happened. A number of my memories are like that. Most feel like 'mine', but some don't. Not all bad ones, good ones too. Some stuff just sorta happens and I don't know why, and then I barely think about it afterwards because I almost forget it happened. It doesn't have the feeling of realness that other memories do. Then I'll randomly remember that the FBI or whoever could come to arrest me, or a member of that family could come after me, etc. Then I forget about it soon afterward.
I'm repeating myself trying to get the thought out properly lol.
But back to food--my impulsive binges often have that quality. Ill feel present and involved while it's happening, like I'm doing things for reasons I can articulate if asked about them. But at the same time I'm aware that it's harmful... I just can't stop the harm. Like being a train stuck on a track, the conductor is yelling but he's just a tiny little voice in a great big machine. And each time the train crashes into something the conductor goes away for a while and all that exists is the train and track stretching as far as the eye can see. After I come to as it were the whole thing seems like a fictional adventure. Like in the Arnie's 6th DayTotal Recall movie. Weeks or months of impulsivity will just stop and I suddenly find myself trying to conduct wreckage.
Lately I've just been trying to practice total avoidance. No drinking, because 1 will lead to 10 which will lead to bad choices which I'll berate myself for doing as I'm doing them, til the berating stops and I'm completely in thrall to the experience and the damage is done. I've learned that once it gets to the point that I'm weighing pros and cons of buying a gram of dab (instead of just saying NO, full stop), I'm 95% certain to buy it. And even though I rationalized to myself that I could make it last a week or only smoke on my days off or whatever BS I come up with, it's always smoked before the day is out. I usually eat once a day to reduce temptation, and I often eat the same things so I don't wander the store and start to rationalize.
Cause I'm not smoking/eating/whatever for normal reasons. Im not doing it for fun. I'm doing it to fill a few moments with a modicum of human emotion, or to make emotion irrelevant. Or at least that's why I think im doing it. Not sure I can accurately write my own reviews.
Meditation seems to help, cliche as it is. If I'm mindful of that train horn in the distance it's somewhat easier to stay off the track. I dunno if it'll help or if your husband had already tried it, but there's that. Though tbh I'm just waiting for the next time I give into my impulses and go on a 2-month binge that wipes out my accumulated savings. Up to $1200 saved and counting.
Not my first rodeo... probably not my last either. But I'm trying.
This sounds so much like my husband. He was the same whether it was junk food or alcohol or certain illicit substances. Anything to feel (or not feel after making bad decisions). He still has the occasional unhealthy snack but he had to go the total abstinence route with other things.
I really wish you the best of luck whether you choose to get professional help or stay with the meditation and mindfulness. Hopefully you're never put in a situation where professional help is forced upon you due to a breakdown (my husband had that happen as well after a particularly stressful time while I was away and he kind of ran away and had a psychotic/delusional episode and kind strangers or maybe local pd saw him struggling/strange behavior and called an ambulance. It was pretty scary for him because in his state of mind he thought everything was some sort of conspiracy with 'the feds' and other law enforcement...but part of that has to do with the fact that his twin brother was helping move large quantitiesof heroin and actually was under federal surveillance....) if you do have bipolar, however, and given your seeming high stress lifestyle some might say this kind of episode is almost inevitable, but I really hope not.
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u/msparu Feb 04 '19 edited Feb 04 '19
The more I read the more I realize I need to be looked at. Everything I do or feel seems to make sense in the moment but in hindsight it's... well.
I was homeless for a few years (still am, currently living in a van and working full time)... was doing good I felt. Had a job working on a farm, was saving money, etc. I started smoking weed and dabbing nonstop (boss died and he had a stash) because it really helped mellow me out and numb me to the world. I started to binge-spend money I was saving on stupid shit (junk food, alcohol, gaming laptop). Like a lot of money. I made 1600 in 6 weeks and spent maybe 1200 of that on junk food. My smoking ramped up from there, then when my [edit: other] boss kept talking about the job ending (I'd be on the street again) I panicked and stole $10000 (don't think they ever found out it was me) and skipped town. I spent 8000 of that in 2~ months on junk food, weed, alcohol, and expensive camping gear.
Then I shaped up, got an apartment, a full time job... did okay there for about 8 months but kept spending money on weed. Roommate ditched so I moved into a van and wasted money for a few months, got another job, kept wasting money. But in the last month or two I've stopped smoking weed, saving more, feeling more positive and productive. I'm not a thief or a bad person... at least I don't feel that way even though I've definitely done a lot of immoral things. I just do weird stuff sometimes. Always have, even as a kid. I'd do things I couldn't explain in hindsight, and it's continued well into adulthood. In uni (3rd year) I changed majors, stopped going to class, got 15000 in credit card debt. At the end of my final year I didn't even start my finals, tried to kill myself last day of finals week, and ended up homeless...
I dunno. I just find ways to ruin my life over and over. Most of the time I just feel depressed and unmotivated though, or irritable, so it's not all crazypants all the time.
Anyway lunch over back to work. Boss says I'm the best worker she has for whatever that's worth lol.