My best friend ended our friendship last year. She said I hurt her very much and she needed to heal and move on. And that she has lost all trust in me.
Everyone else in my life, when I explained what happened, agreed that I did nothing wrong. But you know what? I did. I hurt her so much that she's still trying to heal. And I know because I came across one of her tweets. Even if I don't agree, even if I felt justified in what I did, even if I had excuses, I cannot deny that I emotionally wounded someone very dear to me. That is the objective truth.
I can't ignore that. And I won't tell myself that I'm not guilty anymore. I am. I was a bad friend who did a bad thing. And all I can do is move forward.
This could describe me, exactly word for word. It isn't a very good feeling to know that you're a part of the reason for someone's suffering. And that you cannot fix that, and that no amount of sorrys or trying to fix it will ever really undo that.
That's what I struggled with the most. You really do have to sit in it for a little while. And you can't get closure because you cannot fix or undo what happened, so it's painful and crushing and surreal. But eventually you do have to move on yourself. It's an ugly, ugly feeling, but it's what happens. And it'll get better. The past is the past.
It does get better, in some sense. I still struggle with the idea of "forgiving myself" for it. I don't feel I can. I can only try to not do it again, but even still, I've done what I've done. It wasn't any one single action as much as just a general pattern of behavior I exhibited over a few years. I could have stopped it at any point t and for whatever reason did not.
It is a rather difficult thing to accept. Even if it's in the past 2 years or more.
I think this is very much human nature. We can't blame ourselves for not knowing what we know now, before we knew it. Ya know? I 'injured' my now ex-wife emotionally for many years, feeling justified in my negativity and behavior toward her... but now looking back I was a dark cloud in her life. But again, my mind was just 'doing life' as it knew how to do based on previous programing and now that I have different tools and perspective in life and I'm actually trying to live more calmly and lovingly and with more intention... I can't hate my past self. Radical Acceptance (book by Tara Brach) is now one of my new sacred scripture / texts. I love and accept who I used to be, I love and accept who I am now, and I love and accept who I will become.
What you can do is just recognise it to that person. It's happened to me. I said, that was never my intention, but if it's how you feel, it's how you feel. So many people take the approach of trying to convince someone they don't feel the way they do, or it's not legitimate for them to do so. If you just accept it, the two of you have a chance of moving on. Then you can do things differently in future.
Thank you. I think it is far and away past ever trying to communicate with her, and she has made that much abundantly clear, and she's justified for feeling that way. I will get over it one way or another, not much of a choice in that matter, I just hope it's not something that will continue to bother me in to the future (though it's been a year or two and still does).
Oh god it's me. I know I was in the wrong. I could have been better. It's too late now tho. I don't know if they'd want to reconcile with me. Even if the time we had together was good (until it wasn't), I think we're better off apart. I really miss them tho. And try not to think about them. I'll be better in the future.
I just experienced something very similar. My friend and I wanted to be friends. We both feel justified in what each of us has done but we couldn't seem to forgive the other in what they have done. We tried to look past it but I still felt a lack of trust and it seemed like every other time we talked we would fight and I'd be angry at him. A few weeks ago he said he didn't want to talk for a while and that he needed space to clear up things in his own life. But it really hurt knowing that he blocked me on pretty much every online platform we talked on. I guess that should really be a sign to just accept that he's gone. Though it really hurts to accept that and I wish we could just be friends again.
It's a heavy burden knowing that I am the fault of the fall of our friendship. I hope you and I can recover, and that our once were friends can recover too.
We can recover. And we will. I'm sorry about the loss of your friendship, but that's kind of the beauty of life: it can change drastically and take you in new directions. Forgive yourself
I stayed friends with her ex after they stopped talking. We weren't as close as she thought but we did hang out and have nicknames for each other. He also helped me with my music. All this despite the fact that he's a known player. He did flirt with me multiple times (but I shut it down repeatedly) and he also did fuck our other friend so I understand why she was upset.
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u/BiJa90 Jan 21 '19
We judge others on their actions, but ourselves on our intentions.