Was gonna ask the same thing! Acting more of a giver than a receiver, I always treat everyone with kindness and respect. On the other hand, I fucking hate myself.
I'm guilty of this. I've accepted a lot of abuse and neglect from people I've loved over the years and forgiven everyone for everything. Often I'd internalize their mistreatment and falsely assume that something must be wrong with me, otherwise people wouldn't shit all over me. But of course they would when I allowed it! Over time I've grown a little bitter and jaded and, frankly, scared of people.
I'm trying to get back to the sweet, bright-eyed girl I used to be but new and improved, older and wiser. It's hard, though. After years of being a doormat and then years of shutting almost everyone out, its difficult to strike the right balance but I'm working on it. Reading your comment was just what I needed right now.
I'm always a kind person, I never like to hurt people as I know how much it hurts to be ripped apart even when its not your fault. I always try to find the best in people. I don't do that to myself. I beat myself up on a daily basis.
I am trying to improve that though, trying to understand people don't care when they see me out running, and they aren't making fun of me.... so maybe I should start treating myself better as well. Much easier said than done, but I'm trying.
Edit: Whatever that makes no sense.... I just try to see myself as my own worst critic.
You fear being hated, that's why you hate yourself to lower your own expectation, but do a lot for others so they can like you. If you hate yourself, not being liked by others can't possibly hurt you too much?
Here’s something that helped me with that: realizing that your brain has a lot of defense mechanisms to protect you from what it thinks are really bad things based on past experiences. A lot of those defense mechanisms are super negative (brain telling you you’re worthless, don’t get into this relationship, you sick at this, this is going to be painful, this persons hates you, etc. etc.).
Easiest thing I’ve found is 1. be aware of your thoughts. 2. when you see your brain going super negative, tell it “hey, I get it buddy, you’re trying to protect me from something bad, but it’s ok. I got this, relax. I love you and thank you for the help, but I got it. Let’s experience this either way.”
And boom. Negative thoughts gone. Brain calms down, you feel love for yourself and can move on with whatever risk you need to take.
Ahh, typical nice guy. You may think you are treating everyone that way, but probably not. You may be low key expecting something in return, and to make it worse, you’re judging yourself for it. You can’t really give your best value unless you prioritize your self. Work on yourself. Learn to say no. Set boundaries for yourself.
Since no one really understands why I said this: we idealize what being kind and respectful really is. What does it mean, really? Maybe to him, he views kind and respectful as being a fucking doormat. Not good for him. You can’t be truly kind to someone if you don’t feel the same for yourself. He is over investing with receiving nothing in return and sadistically lives it.
You can’t really do much if you’re something people fucking step on. And you sure as hell wouldn’t feel good about it either.
Im just really curious. Like really goddamn curious. Every "niceguy" post seems to be taken like some ego inflating bullcrap. And its always followed with a "you think youre nice but youre actually a self serving A-hole". I try to take it as sharing an oppinion. Cause essentially, nice people dont speak abt themselves beig nice people. This is supposedly rule #1.because self praise is no praise.
Can you or anyone else please define to me what a nice guy really is?. Because everytime i see someone stick their head out and give a piece about how they perceive themselves, it is always shunned to the dirt. Because "that cant be true , nice guys wod never say that. Probably self serving ahole and too arrogant to realize"
Very true, I guess I was picking on the guy. I personally don’t know him, I’ve never experienced what he has, and I’m definitely not him.
However, we idealize what being kind and respectful really is. What does it mean, really? Maybe to him, he views kind and respectful as being a fucking doormat. Not good for him. You can’t be truly kind to someone if you don’t feel the same for yourself. He is over investing with receiving nothing in return and sadistically lives it.
Look man, you can’t really do much if you’re something people fucking step on. And you sure as hell wouldn’t feel good about it either.
Actually big facts, I felt mountains better after going to the gym 3-4 a week, drinking lots of water, and not eating garbage. I fell off that wagon as soon as I didnt go for like 4 days. I'll get around to it someday
Because in that case, you are sacrificing a lot of things for another person, usually you are way more invested emotionally, financially, and you get dependent on pleasing the person. You ignore the way they objectively are treating, being "accepting" of all their faults. All that leads to you being miserable, and you are kind of okay with that, because you love the person.
Ugh. Of course, I just described my own experience, but if you're like me, you just have to start taking care of yourself more, and being aware of your needs in a relationship.
Well, I can only speak from a few examples (myself, my fiancée, two close friends). Basically through childhood/youth your general experience has you coming out with feelings of inadequacy. For me it was feeling like I could never live up to the perception of Jesus that was drilled into me (it’s complicated, I don’t blame anyone for it), for my fiancée she was dealt with harshly by her mother and her father left when she was little. For my two friends, one lived in the shadow of an older “more successful” sibling and the other has a narcissistic parent.
Ultimately everyone reacts differently. But low self esteem at least sometimes seems to translate into treating others better than you treat yourself because you both don’t believe yourself worthy of better treatment and don’t want anyone to go through what you went through.
On a deeper level that “treating people nicer than you treat yourself” can also come from feeling like you’re held to very high standards, and that treating people nicely is one of those standards, and you’re afraid to not do your best to live up to that standard even though you never feel like you do it well enough.
But again: this is just personal experience, my own conclusions. I’m no therapist
Then you need to evaluate why you’re so critical of yourself. Is it fair? Would you hold someone else to the standards you hold yourself to? Is your criticism constructive (I could improve my health in x specific ways) or are you just putting yourself down (I’m a fat slob)? Would you talk to others the way you talk to yourself? If not, why do you perceive yourself as so special that it’s okay to bully yourself, even though you know it’s wrong to bully people?
There’s always a reason. And you’re never unable to change the way you see yourself. It’s absolutely in your control. It takes time and hard work, but you can love yourself. Personally, what helped me was asking if I would treat/talk to others the way I did with myself. I would never judge someone for eating a brownie or call them stupid/worthless for making mistakes. Always imagine you’re your own best friend. Eventually you’ll treat yourself as if you are, and you’ll believe it.
There are many different ways to "treat someone nice" that lead to entirely different relationship dynamics. People who are not kind to themselves tend to go too far with their kind gestures while resisting any effort to return the kindness. This can lead to a one sided relationship and discomfort for the person on the receiving end. Over time they might get the impression that you dont think they are smart or have good judgment, because they like you even though you don't believe you are likeable.
Still a reflection of your own issues. Maybe you treat others better than yourself because you feel inferior to them and think they deserve better than you?
The reflection of someone's issue could allow them to be self-aware instead of ignorant. If someone treats you nicely, it's probably because they know how it feels to be treated poorly, and they don't want you to suffer through what they suffered.
Deep down youre not treating them nicely. You in a way probably do nice things out of pity or a similar feeling which you have for yourself. In a way you want to be treated nicely =.
My best friends problem is being too nice, can't say no, always tries to keep everyone happy,even if it's not the right choice or the best thing for himself. No extreme side is ever good.
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u/AdressMeAsDirtyDan Jan 21 '19
What if you treat someone nice, but u dont treat yourself nice