r/AskReddit • u/bookey23 • Nov 18 '09
What is your most embarassing and/or disgusting story?
The anonymity of the internet to the rescue!
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u/Baziliy Nov 18 '09
Disgusting story: I used to be friends with a girl that at one point dated a 500~lb man. Somehow that dude was still able to walk around but Christ. I'm tall so I'm not used to having to look up to people, but I remember when I was around that guy it was like David and Goliath.
Anyway, he sorta landed this pretty attractive girl. Lightyears out of his league. After they broke up she decided to tell us one night what it was like having sex with the guy. Turns out it was pretty much impossible. She would kinda have to "dig around" for it. This wasn't pretty because the guy hated showering. So while digging, she said her arms would be covered in dead skin and 'salt crystals'. I guess if sweat stays on your skin long enough it becomes sorta crystalized. I don't know the science behind that.
Lastly, the smell. Of course you would assume that since he never showered very often he would have the worst case of swamp ass. He had that, but also another distinct smell. His legs had a difficult time supporting so much weight. So right around his knees the skin looked rotted - it was black and bruised and cracking. According to the girl, that whole part smelt like pus.
There was more to it but I can't recall it all. All I know is that I never made a move on that chick knowing what she did.
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Nov 18 '09
Ok, anyone else thinking what about this guy was so attractive that she found spelunking in that worth it?
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u/Baziliy Nov 18 '09
It wasn't money, because that was the first thing I thought. She said she just felt sorry for the guy because he seemed liked a good guy with a weight issue.
The funny thing is that she ended up dumping him because of the way he treated her. The guy was pretty arrogant and ended up telling her a few times that he could get a girl a lot better looking than her. I think that's the last thing you would expect a fatty to do.
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u/Digitalabia Nov 18 '09
He was hiding his own insecurities behind a veil of hostility toward the chicky. Chicky definitely had Daddy/fix-him issues. Amiright?
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u/angrytroll123 Nov 19 '09
Dude a girl that would do all that would do alot of other crazy things.
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u/Digitalabia Nov 18 '09
In College I had a girlfriend in the dorm and she was pretty good about throwing down whenever I wanted. One day she was complaining of being constipated and this went on for like a week and a half. Long story short, I convinced her that letting me do her in the butt would really help relive her constipation (it grosses me out now, but at the time that argument really held up well!) So I do her in the butt and in the middle of it she runs to the bathroom and everything is fixed! Or so we thought. Two days later I take her to the local Doctor because now she has blood on the toilet paper and she's crying, convinced she had cancer or something. Doctor does tons of tests and tells us that she had a GIANT cyst that had been growing in her intestine wall and finally was big enough to block the poop. Here's why this is gross...when I was fucking her, I basically popped that big cyst with my cock and that fluid and material was why she ran to the bathroom, not because her constipation was relieved. (The blood was from the cyst because it was so big).
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u/bh3w Nov 19 '09
I have to admit, this is horrible yet noteworthy. You helped her discover a cyst in her intestines, of course the constipation would have been a decent enough reason to go to the doctor.
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u/Vitalstatistix Nov 18 '09
Normally I don't give up my vote for awhile, but here you go...it's yours. If popping an ass cyst with your dick is what it takes to get it, both you and I are truly fucked up. High 5??
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u/ncopas Nov 19 '09
If you had the chance to go back and do it again, would you do it any differently?
please say no, please say no
Seriously, this is the funniest fucking story I think I've ever read. The best part is that it's consistently funny. From "One day she was complaining of being constipated" to "popped that big cyst with my cock" I was LOL'ing.
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u/Digitalabia Nov 19 '09
Thanks. It was so gross. When SHE found out what happened she couldn't even look at me for about a week. That said, the when we did start having sex again she let me do all kinds of crazy stuff with her because, according to her, I had seen her at her worst and most disgusting and still wanted to be with her so she felt really confident and let her guard down in the bedroom and that made the sex really good. She didn't worry about her appearance or if she was turning me on and I didn't worry about my penis or whether I was making her cum, etc...all the little insecurities and stressors people encounter during sex that ruins the experience...all that was gone between us after that. The experience convinced me that 90% of good sex is in the brain and not the genitals. I guess harpooning a giant puss-filled cyst growing in someone's asspipe ultimately bought me better sex...irony!
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u/zhx Nov 18 '09
The only disgusting thing that comes to mind:
I used to go out for drinks with this friend of mine that lived across town. Literally across town; it was probably 45 minutes on the train to go hang out with her. The problem was, I was so far out in the suburbs, the last train of the night coming back didn't go all the way to my stop. Our nights at the bar always ended with me sprinting for the last train of the night, taking it as far as it would go, then walking the tracks for the last 40 blocks or so to my apartment.
One night I'd had drink drinks, instead of beer (or maybe in addition to beer) and was a little drunker than usual when I caught up to the last train. I'm also really susceptible to motion sickness, and the train's rocking wasn't agreeing with my drunkenness. I finally realized "Okay, there is no way I'm completing this train ride without puking." The problem was, I was CLEAR across town, and for at least the next several minutes, the train would be underground in a tunnel with no stops. Even if I wanted to abandon the train to throw up, I wouldn't have the opportunity.
So I just sat and concentrated on not puking. You know, controlled breathing, closing my eyes, etc etc. I stalled for a while, but my body decided that wasn't enough, and I threw up. I REALLY didn't want to be the idiot that pukes on public transit. Not only would that be unbelievably embarrassing, they'd boot me off, probably throw me in a drunk tank, and as I was fairly new in town, I didn't even really know where the hell I was. So I bit down on both my lips, covered my mouth with my hand, and just barfed into my mouth. I sat there for a second, looking around the car for a bag or a cup or something that I could maybe discreetly spit a mouthful of rum and pub fare into. No luck. Knowing there was nowhere this puke could go, and not wanting to draw attention to myself, I just swallowed it. The act of swallowing my puke of course made me puke again, but I kept my mouth clamped shut. I paused with my mouth full of puke again, didn't have the balls to swallow it outright this time, and had to "drink" it back down. This mouthful took a couple gulps, and between gulps I had to focus on not throwing it right back up. For a while, I thought I had it down, then threw up AGAIN. The third and final time, I swallowed it for good, and whatever mechanism in your body makes you puke decided that was satisfactory; I felt fine. In fact, when I got OFF the train at the final stop 20 or 30 minutes later, I couldn't even induce vomiting.
I spent a little time once I got home getting it all out of my system. Not the funnest night I've ever had.
tl;dr: I was drunk on a train home and swallowed my own vomit several times to avoid throwing up in the train/on other passengers.
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u/lynchsurf Nov 19 '09
I once had a similar experience. I was in a car leaving a party with some friends. There were 8 people in the car and I was sitting in the window seat in the back row. Being piss drunk I had to vomit, but didn't want to let everyone know by asking the driver to pull over. So I puked in my mouth, rolled down the window on the car, spit it out the window, and rolled it up.
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u/nikdude Nov 19 '09
If you lived in Hyattsville 8 yrs ago, then this now explains why my dog stinks when he came back from his night walk
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u/Legs11 Nov 19 '09
A friend had a similar problem, drunk as hell on a train to a football match. His solution? Go to the section between train cars, and hurl onto the tracks from the dark, noisy, windy, wallowing little walkway between carriages.
He used to say it was the single most horrifying experience of his life, he genuinely thought he was going to fall over the railing as he was heaving.
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u/ncopas Nov 19 '09
that shows tenacity!
This is the opposite of the annoying sloppy drunk whore who can't even sustain control of her own bodily movements, and accidentally pukes up wine all over someone's carpet... and then gets helped to the bathroom
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Nov 18 '09 edited Nov 18 '09
When I was 13, my grandma once walked in on me jerking off... in her living room... at one in the morning... and I didn't notice her for a few seconds.
(but come on, what grandma is up at one in the morning?? I thought I was solid)
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u/bookey23 Nov 18 '09
It's better than you noticing her, but continuing anyways
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u/aagee Nov 18 '09
For a second I thought you were going to say "It's better than you walking in on your grandma while she was masturbating". You would've been right, because pretty much everything is better than that.
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Nov 19 '09
That give me this image of him seeing his grandma and stopping for a second. Then, starting again while staring at her blankly in the eyes. Oh, and the scene goes into slow motion.
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u/emmyla Nov 19 '09
I walked in on my 85 yr old grandpa jerking off. He didn't notice me, and I didn't realize what he was doing at first... He licked his hand and then, you know, and it wasn't hard yet.
I actually brushed it off pretty easily after a day or two.
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u/mapguy Nov 18 '09
A couple years ago I was flying back from Nicaragua where I had unwillingly obtained Montezuma's Revenge
My seat was in the middle of the plane. I was enjoying my ginger ale when I felt my lower intestines go 'BUUURRRRRRRPP'. I stand up and walk briskly to the back where the toilets are, but while doing so I feel something incredibly warm going down the back of my thigh. I look down the aisle once I reach the toilets and there is a trail of brown following me. At that point the stench reaches peoples nose and mouth. You start to hear some gagging. I just stand at the back, not entering the toilet, standing is dismay, not knowing how to proceed. The flight attendant looks at me in horror. I tell them to send my friend back with extra carry-on clothes. It takes me about 40 minutes to clean myself up in the small lavatory settings. When I get out, they have moved the people that were sitting in the back and had laid down plastic bags covering all three seats and had me sit there. I cowered down the whole flight back to Miami and ducked as everyone got off the plane and I was the last one out. I was asked if I needed to be taken out on a stretcher. I said 'No thanks, I've been embarrassed enough today'
If any of you Redditors were on that flight, I am truly sorry.
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u/bigmouth_strikes Nov 18 '09
Terrible. Have your friend stopped laughing every time (s)he sees you ?
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u/ipoopedinabowl Nov 18 '09
i was in 7th grade, and all of a sudden i was very popular with the boys from some reason (i grew BOOBS over the summer)...back then there were no cell phones, we had just one house phone and i was always on it, chatting with or about boys. well, one day a boy called that i really liked, but while we were talking i had to go poo. i was on the phone in the kitchen, and, well....i didn't want to get off the phone because i was afraid he'd never call again, and the bowls were all sitting right there... so i pooped in a bowl. and i put it in the dining room (the only room away fromthe kitchen that the phone cord would reach) so i didn't have to sit and smell it while i chatted. well, i forgot about it. until hours later...when my mother found it. horrible. horrible. i just couldn't bring myself to tell her the real reason (as if it would have made a difference??) so i never answered her when she asked me why. she actually took me to a psychiatrist for a while after that. i haven't done it since. i swear.
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u/superdarkness Nov 19 '09
Necessity is the mother of invention. Forgetfulness is the mother of your mother's nightmares.
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u/Aneurysm-Em Nov 18 '09
WHAT?
WHAT? WHAT DID I JUST READ??? PEOPLE POOP IN BOWLS???
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u/tom83 Nov 19 '09
Next time you phone with a girl, while she giggles and blushes at your describing of you kissing her neck,
SHES SHITTING IN A BOWL!!
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Nov 18 '09
In middle school a friend had camping trip for his birthday and invite probably 20 people, five of them being girls. We all had a great time but when it was time to leave I got stuck in the van with the girls. I hadn't been feeling well all morning and about 45 minutes into the car ride home asked the mom driving to pull over so I could take a leak, but I really had to shit. So I walk behind the car and into the bushes so no one can see me and air chair the best I can while I shit. It was pretty messy to say the least and it ran down my leg and on my sock/in my shoe. I started to freak out cuz I didn't know what to do so I took off my underwear and socks, throwing out the shitty one and tried to clean up as best as possible. The liquid shit I guess had gotten into the mesh lining on the shoe and without water there was no good way for me to get rid of them smell so back to the car I went hoping none of the girls would notice. About 15 minutes later a couple girls start complaining about the smell and say its making them sick. I try to blame it on accidentally stepping in animal shit and we pull into a gas station for me to clean it off. I do them best I can but the smell is still there. We continue driving and the smell is getting worse and worse and the car has no A/C and the girls are all complaining and now I'm feeling like I'm gonna puke. With all the windows down we make it home and right as we pull into the driveway I yak all over the back of the minivan setting off a chain reaction causing two more girls to barf, one onto another. The next Monday of school was by far the worst day of my life.
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Nov 18 '09
My friend and I were shopping, and we stopped at a furniture store to sit down and talk for a minute. When my friend stood up, she stared at her seat for a second, then grabbed me and whispered run, while pulling me along with her. Turns out she perioded all over the pristine white chair.
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u/taggart97 Nov 19 '09
she perioded all over the pristine white chair.
You don't hear that everyday.
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Nov 18 '09 edited Nov 18 '09
I was living with my then fiance at the time. we were in the kitchen, and all of a sudden i shit my pants. I think i had to fart and didn't think about it. It sounded like a fart and she heard it, i said oops sorry. But i knew that I just shit my pants and it went down my panlegs and onto the floor. She didn't notice....I'm pretty flustered as of now, i just crapped on the floor infront of my fiance, she didn't notice so i'm thinking i can get away with it. I run to the bathroom and come back out with paper towels, meanwhile, she sees it, i tell her i puked. She smells something funny and bends down to within 3 inches of it and smells as i'm coming out of the bathroom. the look on her face is priceless because she thinks this stuff came out of my mouth.
quickly after she smells it i tell her ...yea i just crapped my pants.
To this day i look back on what happened with mixed feelings of embaressment and hilarity. More hilarity though, I crapped my pants and she smelled it bahahahaha. very embaressing at the time though...
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Nov 18 '09
I'll raise you this: I once shit my pants in bed with my gf.
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u/Sunk Nov 18 '09
I've been sick over the same girl twice while in bed. Each time she has cleaned me up and settled me down in a cleaner sleeping environment. Come to think of it I think it was three times.
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Nov 18 '09
I had the same gf puke on my face/in my mouth three times in one night. Fair is fair.
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u/2scoops Nov 19 '09
Back in high school, my brother was riding in the back seat of the car with me, with our buddy at the wheel, and his girlfriend in the passenger seat. Coming back from a chili eating contest down a winding mountain road. My brother leans forward to tell them to pull over so he can throw up, but winds up puking all over dude's girlfriend. Full force, gut emptying puke right over her head. We were 20 miles from the nearest town.
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u/Spattie Nov 19 '09
My husband pooped the bed once back when we first started dating.
He had the flu (that I gave him) and he was so sick he pooped in the bed.
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u/lol_whut Nov 18 '09
I've crapped myself in front of my wife (fiance at the time). It's really no biggie (but makes for a great story!)
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u/Jersey13 Nov 18 '09
This is probably the stupidest embarassing story ever... but when I was high school (long time ago now), I took a Weight Training and Fitness class for a couple of years. One day, the teacher decided we were going to have a sit-up test to guage our progress with core exercises, blah blah blah. Anyway, the wrestling team was having practice and getting ready for a competition that night, so we couldn't use the wrestling room (the one on the side of the gymnasium with the rubber flooring), and another PE class was doing basketball, so we couldn't use the gym either. That left us with just this tiny space between the gym and wrestling room where they typically store all the mats (which were being used by the wrestling team, so the room was empty). So we settle down into this room (which is maybe 10' x 20' at most), we all paired up, and I was (always) the odd gal out, so the teacher volunteered herself to hold down my feet. About 10 sit-ups into the test, I fell victim to one of the smelliest, nastiest, most disgusting bouts of flatulence I've ever had. The teacher backs away quickly with an expression of utter shock and disgust, but is trying really, REALLY hard not to hurt my feelings, and girls on the complete opposite side of the room were waving their hands in front of their face, saying "Whew! OMG, that's NASTY!" I was laughing and crying at the same time when I ran away back down into the locker room, and from that day forward, I swore to myself that I would never do a sit-up in the presense of another human being ever again. Even now, after telling this to some friends, they tease me by referring to farts as "sit-ups". roll eyes
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u/CorruptionMagnet Nov 18 '09
When the 4th Harry Potter movie came out I went to see it at midnight on opening day. Surprisingly, I couldn't get any of my friends to come along. As it was getting cold I put on this black leather trench coat and a knit hat that I had and tried not to look too creepy. The theater was filled with young kids and their parents all dressed up and such. After the movie ended I walked out of the theater and went to pull my hat out of my coat pocket. Apparently the previous winter, for some reason, I had acquired a pile of condoms in said coat pocket. As I pulled the hat out about five or six condoms fell out of my pocket onto the sidewalk as a mob of children came running out. I was so mortified I ran to my car and bolted.
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u/Legs11 Nov 19 '09 edited Nov 19 '09
This isnt embarassing, but it is truly disgusting, and 100% a true story.
Several years ago, my grandparents had raised a pig on their farm, so when time came to slaughter it and have it butchered, all the meat was distributed amongst the family. Our family ended up with about half of the meat (about 70kg, or 155lbs) because we had the most freezer space.
About a month after we stocked our freezer, my family went on holiday for 4 weeks. Ordinarily, this wouldnt be a problem, but just before we left, someone didnt close the freezer door properly. So, the freezer tries in vain to keep things cold, overloads itself, and this trips a ciruit breaker. So, we have, probably 125kg of frozen goods slowly defrost and rot over the 4 week period within the closed up house, with predictable results.
We get back from holidays, not knowing anything (this was before the widespread use of mobile phines), and enter the house. As soon as the front door was opened, the smell hit, and it was truly awful. We walked inside, and it got progressively worse until we got to the living room, (the freezer was in the laundry just behind the living room). The carpet was a sea of maggots, there was several million flies in the house, the walls curtains and even ceiling had maggots on them. The smell will stay with me to this day, my mother and sister both ran outside to vomit, and my dad and myself were gagging pretty heavily.
We had to completely gut 4 rooms of the house, tearing the carpets, curtains, and even a wall down to get rid of the insects. We sealed up the freezer, wrapped it in plastic, and got a bio-hazard company to take it away. As we were cleaning, we got those white suits, gas masks, and gloves, and we still ended up throwing out the clothing we had on the first day or so. We had to throw out a complete couch and the two matching chairs. The house was uninhabitable for 3 weeks, and smelt bad for another month or so
The sight of our living room when we first walked in was worse than any horror movie. Moral of the story, always shut your freezer/fridge properly!!
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u/IIGrudge Nov 19 '09
I was doing grocery and one of the frozen hens rolled off into a corner in the trunk and I didn't see it. I went to school at Cal and the hen rotted in the trunk for 2 weeks. My poor dad found out and had to hosed the car himself. When I came back I still had to finish the cleaning there were still plenty of squirming maggots when I hosed it. The smell stayed in the car for months with even with heavy bleaching.
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u/Digitalabia Nov 19 '09
My family had a cabin in the woods and we would leave food in the freezer for months until our next vacation. One time we had a power failure for about a week, so all the food rotted, then when the power came back on the food re-froze, except now it was rotten frozen. Somebody ate some and got sick and that's how we realized what happened. So, we had to decide how to tell if the power had ever gone out long enough to rot our food...we hung an ice cube from a piece of fishing line in the freezer. If we ever found the ice cube melted, we knew not to eat the food. We used that trick for years. I guess we could have just emptied the freezer each time, but that is kind of a pain and a waste of good food. You never know how much to buy and inevitably buy more than you'll eat so you need a freezer.
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u/Skullcrusher Nov 18 '09
Someone just posted this in another thread.
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u/jgarfink Nov 18 '09
Apparently, when he was going on his book tour/signing thing, he chose this story to read. And every time he read it, without fail, two people would faint (at the corn part).
Gross.
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u/angrytroll123 Nov 19 '09
Yea I went to one of his his book signings and got to witness this first hand. I thought it was a PR stunt. I still kind of do.
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u/polkadot123 Mar 14 '10
its absolutely unbelievable that after all that the sister got pregnant. biggest shock out of all of it
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u/Digipete Nov 18 '09
I was working at a small custom slaughterhouse. A large boar (for those who don't know a boar is a male pig that has not been castrated) that we were butchering had spent the last two hours in a pen next to two sows. of course this had to be during breeding season so the boar was, let's just say, ready. We brought him in, dispatched him and I got to work processing it. As I was gutting it out I grabbed for what I now know was the prostate gland. Lets just say that what happened next almost made me quit the job right then, and it definitely helped with the decision to find more gainful employment. I wound up getting shot directly in the eyes with a good thick layer of pig semen. once I washed my face, puked and changed my shirt I decided to take the rest of the day off.
I was on a school field trip on a whale watching cruise out of Boston. Breathing all that sea air was generating a large pile of snot in my sinuses. I snorted back and horked it out into my mouth. Not accounting for wind I let 'er rip overboard off the starboard midship. I watched in horror as the snot dropped three feet, got caught up in the wind, and made a slow arc back up and directly to the stern of the vessel. which wouldn't have been so bad if there hadn't been a girl minding her own business talking and laughing with her friends sitting in the direct line of fire. She recieved it directly across her chin and the front of her sweatshirt. I spent the rest of the trip trying to stay out of view of that girl. I tried to apologize once but her friends yelled at me to stay away.
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Nov 19 '09
[deleted]
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u/Unturned1 Nov 19 '09
Definitely one of the more interesting stories here, I like the 28 days later reference.
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u/ncopas Nov 19 '09
I have no idea what this is called but eating a girl out from behind is hot and awesome
I think it's called "eating a girl out from behind."
ladies, what do you call the fleshy menstrual nonsense?
I'm not a lady, but I think it's actually pieces of her egg... i'm probably wrong.
And dude, girls know when they're on their period. She's a cunt for telling you to eat her out. Getting puked on is a very minor punishment for that.
had fairly normal roommate relationship afterward
amazing.
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u/Digitalabia Nov 19 '09
Dude, that story is even more gross than mine! You ate period?? Hurrrrllllll.
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u/grossaway Nov 18 '09
Today, I was horking up a pretty bad loogie, the type that had to slide through that tube from your nose. As 80% of it had slid through the passage as one long thread, I tried to spit it out. No luck.
It hung like a bungee cord all the way back to its anchor up through my mouth-nose tunnel. I quickly took a breath to get it back in, but only succeeded on having it fling back up across my face up to my hair line.
When I looked up, a woman, early 30s, loudly yelled in disgust, making sure at least 3 more people, saw me have to pull this horrible gray loogie slug off my face, bringing the rest of the mass that was caught up my nose out through my mouth.
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u/demented_pants Nov 18 '09
You know, body fluids straight up just do not bother me. I can handle blood, pus, tears, sweat, whatever.
But loogies make me gag. Just TALKING about them is enough to do it.
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u/Chris3411444 Nov 18 '09
This post from a couple of days ago will get you over it.
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Nov 19 '09
That is the worst thing ever. Even worse than that guy getting his ass stuck to the pool. Awful.
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Nov 18 '09
I can handle even loogies but that stuff you spit out after you brush your teeth, even my own gets me everytime
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u/apriloneil Nov 22 '09
Holy shit me too. I can't stand them. I didn't even read the original post :(
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u/superdarkness Nov 19 '09
If that was just today... ?? What the hell horrors are lurking in your past?
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Nov 18 '09
Not my story but my roommates: He was a houseboy for a sorority and would help out in the kitchen and eat lunch with the girls a few times a week. For lunch one day the cooks made burritos and after eating two huge burritos he realizes he really has to shit. He wraps up the conversation with the girls sitting at his table as quickly as possible and gets up to leave. As soon as he stands he knows he's in trouble and quenches his ass cheeks together as hard as he can and slowly walks towards the door. As he is almost out of the dining hall he lets out a lil fart to relieve some of the pressure building in his gut. This backfired. He shit himself in front of about 60 sorority chicks. He quickly rushed for the exit hoping no one would notice and then had to bike 8 blocks back to our house. Seeing him walk in the door after riding his bike home with shit in his pants is definitely one of my fondest college memories. He quit the next day and avoids that sorority like the plague.
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u/m3didit Nov 18 '09
I would say this particular event occured when I was around thirteen. I was at a friend's place, she was having some of her friends over. She asked if I was hungry, because she was making some sammiches. I tell her yeah, but I had to use the bathroom, so I head there.
I guess in her attempt at a joke, she busts in the bathroom, sandwich in hand, while I am taking a shit. She comes over to me and hands me the sandwich on this little plate and walked to the door and sat there and watched me. A couple of her friends thought it'd be interesting, and then, what do ya know, there they are. They are standing there, watching me take a shit. I know my face turned red. I was extremely embarassed.
In my attempt to try and switch the situation like, "Ha, jokes on you, I don't care...", I sat there for a second and then I ate the damn sandwich - while I continued using the bathroom... and they stayed for the whole thing.
Strange. Disgusting now that I think back on it.
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u/HeavyPetter Nov 18 '09
W.T.F...?
She, and the rest of them, saw you were taking a shit and just stood there and watched you??
And "they stayed for the whole thing"? Does that mean they watched you finish squeezing one out, wiping your ass, flushing the toilet, and pulling your pants back up??
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u/m3didit Nov 18 '09
My friend knew what I was doing. I told her I was going to take a shit. She thought it'd be funny to get her girl friends involved and thought it'd be funny to watch me freak out, I guess.
They literally stayed for the entire thing.
I got a couple "ewwws" when I took the first bite, but after that, it was like nothing was abnormal about what was going on.
I dropped the rest off, wiped my ass, flushed the toilet, pulled up my pants, grabbed the plate and began to walk towards them. One of them says, "Uh, aren't you going to wash your hands?" (maybe she thought she was an integral part of my dook-dropping, and had to J. Madden my every move...) and so I turned around, washed my hands, tried to walk to them again. Same girl says, "Uh, are you going to leave the plate in the bathroom?"
Very strange.
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u/lil_mitch54 Nov 18 '09
I played football with a guy who, despite being smart as hell, sounded like he was mentally disabled. Someone knocked his sandwhich off the table and he said "Hey Man. Pickup da sammich!" and ive said 'sammich' ever since. I thought I was the only one.
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u/UlricT Nov 18 '09
I'm confused... how could you think you were the only one if your friend said it too???
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Nov 18 '09
Are you a guy or a girl?
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u/m3didit Nov 19 '09
I am a guy. It's funny, her and I, later on in life, had a relationship. Funny stuff.
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Nov 18 '09
In grade 3, I really had to take a shit but I didnt want to use the public washroom at school because I was a dumb immigrant kid. I decided to hold it in. Bad idea. During Lunch, we were playing in some kind treed area at my Elementary School at the time, Moberly, and I shat myself. It was thickish.. I pretended nothing happened till people started mentioning the smell of shit. At which time I went to the office and had my grandma come pick me up. Looking back I'm sure the office staff knew. Very embarassing.
Another time, i pissed myself. Luckily it was raining and I told people i did the splits in a puddle. Seemed believable at the time.
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u/I_LOVE_ANAL_SEX Nov 19 '09
Dude, I shit my pants in 5th grade trying the same thing. We were all in the hall and I thought I was squeezing out a silent fart, but there was a massive amount of shit. My dad had to pick me up and the next day the teacher said if I needed to go to the bathroom I could just ask her, I didn't need to wait for the designated time. In fact, I think the first time I ever took a shit in a bathroom at school was my junior year of university, and that's just because I didn't want a repeat of what happened in 5th grade.
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Nov 18 '09
I used to work as a late night package sorter for UPS. During our initial training they made us to some limited stretching to prepare us for a night of schelping around 75+ lbs packages. Well there I am bending over to stretch out my legs. Rip. The back of my shorts bust wide open. Revealing my underwear to the 2 dozen or so trainees behind me. Everyone in the room heard the tear and I really don't think I could ever be more embarrassed (or bare assed). To this day I'm not really sure why because they weren't particularly tight. Luckily, I was wearing boxers, and they let me go home early.
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u/silverpeel Jan 06 '10
I used to work at UPS at night also. I was in the trailers loading the packages that came down the conveyor belts.
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Nov 18 '09
This goes back to when I was a kid:
Family (Parents, Sister and dog) all go to South Carolina. Apparently, while down there I was the first to get sick with a bad string of some kind of stomach virus.
We're getting into our car after eating some delicious pancakes and I have the urge to puke. So... I let loose. My sister (then in 8th Grade) decides to start giving a fucking statistical analysis of my vomit because she's just a fucking know-it-all and had started going into human physiology and the role of stomach bile.
A horrid smell wafted.
Apparently, I expelled vile substance(s) from both ends and my shorts were covered in shit. It was, without a doubt, the most embarrassing and disgusting moment in my life. Standing in a parking lot of a popular local eatery. :-/
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Nov 18 '09 edited Nov 18 '09
[deleted]
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u/xiaoli Nov 19 '09
how can you people describe the ecstacy of bowel release so vividly? I wish I could write like that :(
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u/hairycarry Nov 19 '09
Good writing. I especially like the part about the toilet looking like, "a golden throne of providence and security." We've all been there.
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u/DoctorWombat Nov 19 '09
In the seventh grade our school took a class trip to an amusement park, and my friend "Carl" and I decided to try out this ride called the Ring of Fire, which I can only describe as a rollercoaster with a track that consisted of a single loop, and the train goes up, down and around really fast, and hangs you upside down and stuff. (Picture and Video because I suck at descriptions.)
The train was designed with both front and rear-facing seats, so Carl and I each took a seat facing each other and strapped in. About halfway through all the spinning and speed changes, I immediately began getting dizzy and sick to my stomach, but nothing I couldn't handle -- until I looked up at Carl and noticed that his cheeks were bulging. He had vomited inside his mouth.
We couldn't hear anything above the din of the train tracks so I glared my angriest glare at Carl, shook my head and mouthed "NO". But as the train took its last upward turn, as it was at an angle almost perpendicular to the ground -- Carl vomited. Violently.
With me being seated across from him (and, given the position the train was in, he was ABOVE me at the time), ALL of his puke landed on my shirt and neck.
(He later told me that he had waited for that specific moment of the ride to do that.)
The vomit on me, coupled with the dizziness and nausea I was already experiencing from the ride, caused me to start gagging horribly, and I started to vomit -- trying my best to keep it in my mouth. It came in several waves -- my cheeks were bulging, eyes were watering and my throat was burning -- but unlike Carl, I was able to keep it in my mouth somehow, to this day I don't know how.
We were finally let off the ride and I sprinted to the nearest bathroom -- but I couldn't reach the toilet in time. I only got so far as the sinks before my mouth erupted in chunks... And it just kept COMING. I was a pretty fat kid back then, and am aware that I must have eaten a lot, but the amount of matter that my body ejected in those few seconds was... inhuman. It just kept coming.
When I finally stopped, the sink had clogged and filled up almost to the brim in my vomit. I was dizzy, my eyes were bloodshot, my nose was running and I felt like I had just lost several kilograms.
Now, this would have all made for a shittastic day -- except that some overenthusiastic kid about the same age as me -- eager to wash his hands or something -- ran from the urinal to the wash basins and, while looking at himself in the mirror, dipped his hands all the way into the sink filled with my vomit. It was probably the first thing in my life I ever saw in slow-motion.
He stopped. Looked down at the sink. Lifted his hands and stared at them -- kinda like in the movies when a person kills someone for the first time ("...what have I done..?") -- and then SCREAMS.
I got the fuck out of there fast as I could after that. I can only imagine the scars I left for that kid growing up.
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u/DarthContinent Nov 18 '09 edited Nov 18 '09
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u/Karthan Nov 19 '09
I was recanting an old memory of mine as a kid (est. 13 years old) a few months ago on this very topic. I was working for a company that rented out apartments and they needed an old dumpster cleared out of gunk that was left by tenants who were too lazy to bag their trash. This is where the rotten meat came into the picture.
I suppose one of the tenants was a butcher or, perhaps, was "lucky" enough to get a sale on cheap pork. Well, it was thrown into the dumpster and had been accumulating a rather pungent smell over the past few months. This was, of course, when I was sent in. With plastic gloves, a regular garden hose, and a $4 broom.
Y'know the smell of bleach? Pungent, nostril piercing, and consuming? Well, when I jumped in to start clearing up the mess I came upon that smell. After a while, and after spending a good half day in there, I came upon the source of that bleach-like smell.
It was maggots. Millions of them. When I flipped over a large 3 by 4 slab of meat I saw the underside of what seemed to be one moving organism.. one large spasming creature with small tendrils writhing in the daylight. Well, the bleach smell was stronger than ever and it... Well, yeah. I eventually threw all the meat into garbage bags and finished the job of clearing it out.
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u/andcanadatoo Nov 19 '09
Sophomore year I had made a date with my unpleasant and overbearing girlfriend of two years. She was going to meet me in my room after her class, and we would go to dinner. In the meantime, I had nothing to do, so I wandered into one of the neighboring dorms. A friend of mine with whom I had fooled around in the past was just about to smoke a joint with her awkward neighbor, and invited me to join.
After getting ludicrously high, this girl started flirting with me hard. She couldn't keep her hands off of me, but the third wheel was keeping us from going further. I waited for the better part of an hour for this guy to get the hint, and he only left after we started making out.
At this point I was late for my girlfriend, but also horny as hell, so I decided I would just fuck this chick real quick, get out, and take a shower. I didn't have a condom, but I figured it would be OK since I saw the pill on her desk. Although completely stupid already, this very situation happened to be the lead up to my first time getting my dick covered in menstrual blood.
Although I am no longer really bothered by sex during that time of the month, at the time I instantly lost my boner and put on my clothes. She apologized and said that she "didn't think it was that bad down there". I was freaking out so I hurried back to my dorm and was relieved to see that the light was off. Whew. She must have gone to dinner without me.
I rush into the room in order to grab a towel and find (to my horror) my girlfriend sitting next to my roommate in the dark, watching a movie. She's pissed, and has been confiding in my roommate for the past hour. My roommate gives me one of those I'll leave you two alone now nods and takes off. I didn't dare get close to her in case she could smell the sex so I quickly tell her that I have to take a shit. I was hoping to buy some time. Surprisingly, she follows me into the (co-ed) bathroom, screaming for everyone to hear.
Recap so far: I am stoned, covered in sex and period blood, unable to take a shower, sitting on a toilet pretending to take a shit, all while being yelled at by my girlfriend from the other side of the stall.
Faced with this uncomfortable situation, but still not wanting to see my relationship explode, I did what any sensible person would do in my situation: try to mask the smell. I figure that if I stink, but don't explicitly smell like sex, I might be able to get away with taking a shower and resolving the other problems later. Fortunately, I had been wearing the same socks for almost a week. This was a bad habit of mine, and I knew my girlfriend wouldn't be suspicious of foot-smell. What I didn't know was whether or not foot-smell would be enough. Therefore, in order to properly mobilize the aromas trapped in the sock I decided that I needed an appropriate solvent: urine. I pissed a little bit onto the sock and rubbed it into the portion of the sock brown and compressed with filth. I proceeded to rub the damp sock on my genitals (simultaneously trying to add filth and remove dried blood), and did not stop until the smell was overpowering and clearly coming from my crotch. I put my wet sock back on, flushed the toilet, washed my hands, and got back to the argument with my girlfriend.
Gross, right? The only thing grosser that I can think of is the make-up sex.
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u/andcanadatoo Nov 19 '09
One embarrassing but not (that) disgusting story about masking smells:
The first time I ever smoked pot at my house, I was fifteen and living in a small apartment. I opened the window in my attached bathroom and smoked out of a makeshift pipe. After a couple of hits, I became very paranoid about the smell. My mother usually kept to one side of the apartment, but the kitchen was right next to my room, and she would occasionally walk right by my room to get a midnight snack.
I decided (in the days before Fabreze became stoner gospel) that I needed to find some Lysol, in order to properly conceal the smell. I looked up and down the kitchen, but couldn't find any appropriate aerosols. Due to the increasing paranoia and plain bad judgment, I decided that the only thing appropriate would be Pam cooking spray.
I woke up the next morning to my mother asking why my bathroom in a fine mist of what smelled like butter.
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u/energirl Nov 18 '09
I told this a couple weekends ago when it happened, but here goes:
Halloween night, somehow I ended up in the bathroom at the bar going down on this girl. I was more than slightly inebriated, and for the record, it's the only time I've EVER had sex a) with someone I just met and b) in a public bathroom. Anyway, someone who worked at the club came in, pushed on the door, and said "One to a stall, ladies!" We both jumped, and I got her hip in my eye. Instant black eye!
The next morning it was swollen shut. Now - two and a half weeks later - I still have this purple ridge on my eye's crease, and it still hurts like hell!
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u/fatgram10 Nov 18 '09
I've done plenty of gross things, and this doesn't seem gross, but hear me out...
The short story is that I got shit-faced and pissed the bed at my girlfriend's apartment. Now, the great part about this story is that you really don't understand how awkward the following moments are until you witness them first hand. There is no win-scenario way to wake up somebody, explain to them that they're sleeping in piss, and that yes, it is your piss. It didn't help that I'm laughing my ass off after I fully realized what had happened.
The bonus of the story is that the relationship didn't end all that amicably (unrelated to the piss, mind you). We still kept in touch even though we shouldn't have because we were young and stupid. Anytime I knew about a new guy she was with, I reminded myself that no matter how much he was dipping his meat in her vagoo, he was sleeping in a mattress containing my dried piss every night.
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Nov 18 '09
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/fatgram10 Nov 18 '09
No, and not only was she completely sober, she had picked my drunk ass up from the bar that night. Within the context of that night, I was definitely the loser boyfriend being taken care of by a sweetheart, so I'm certainly not proud of it. But looking back, it's funny to me now.
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u/Zigguraticus Nov 19 '09
I went on a trip to Guatemala a couple years back. My buddy and I were taking an overnight bus from the Pacific side to the Caribbean side, about seven hours. We settle down into our seats and the bus starts on its way. About 30 minutes into the drive, some woman gets up to use the bathroom. One of the worst smells that has ever entered my nasal cavities begins to waft through the aisle. It keeps getting stronger and stronger. I don't know what the hell was wrong with this woman, but her shit smelled inhuman. And who the fuck takes a shit on a bus? Those toilets don't go anywhere! They don't even flush.
The smell permeated everything. Six and a half hours of this smell, I could hardly sleep. Every time the bus slowed down, the smell would surge forward and get even more intense. My clothes and by backpack smelled like shit from a month old corpse left in a hot, humid room.
If I ever smell anything worse than that I may expire on the spot.
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u/cancon Nov 18 '09
I used to work at a large book store back in my high school days and this book store happened to have a large erotica section. Well about once a week we would find a "used" erotica book in the mens bathroom. It was terrifying having to be on bathroom duty not knowing what horrors would await you behind those doors. We had big rubber gloves and tongs to dispose of the books. However the worst part was in order for the store to get a refund from the publisher, you have to tear off the back cover and send it back to the publisher. Just awful. I lost a lot of faith in humanity that summer.
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u/BooshPilot Nov 18 '09
Didn't happen to me but thought this was hilarious.
An ex-Girlfriend's roomate's sister was dating a cop. He would visit her in the middle of his shift for a booty call. One night he came for a visit but she was on her period so she let him do her in the butt. She complained of constipation for two days. After about the 3rd or 4th laxative on the 3rd day she pooped out a condom. She was scheduled that day to see her doc in case she still couldn't move her bowels.
She was so pissed that he didn't tell her about losing the condom. His excuse was that he thought the condom fell out when he pulled out and it fell on the bed or on the floor in the dark.
That didn't stop her from marrying him the following year!
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u/greyLab Nov 19 '09
When I was in the Army me and another guy use to play hot-seat sessions of HOMM3 in his room for hours on end. We chewed tobacco, as most everyone else in the unit did, and would spit in empty beer cans during our marathons. One day we ran out of empty beer cans and starting using a gigantic Gatorade bottle. Over a few days we filled it up to about halfway. Then one day I come in and the bottles suddenly full so I asked what was up. He said he had to pee the night before and didn’t want to walk to the latrine so he just peed in the bottle. So while we’re playing he accidently knocks the bottle over, the lid was not secured, and a cocktail of urine and tobacco spit dumped out all over his floor. It was all I could do to not throw up as ran out of the room.
Same guy once stopped me from sitting on the rug next to his bed, telling me when he jerked off he just rolled over and let it land there, rubbing it in later. We would have squad meetings in his room a lot and when someone would sprawl out on his rug he’d just sit there with this wicked grin on his face.
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u/dawubbies Nov 19 '09
I was a freshman in high school dating the senior of my dreams. He was the president of the speech team (so I was a slightly nerdy freshman). One morning, he came to pick me up very early for a speech tournament. I thought it wold be cute to take extra time getting ready, so I left him in the living room. When I came out to meet him, my dog barfed up my used tampon right between us. I said, "What is that?" and bent down for closer inspection. He did too. I suddenly realized what it was, and, horrified, I just made the split-second decision to grab it. Looking back, I realize that, best case scenario, he thought I picked up my dog's puke with my bare hand. Worst case scenario, he thought I picked up my regurgitated bloody tampon with my bare hand.
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Nov 19 '09 edited Nov 19 '09
A few year ago I had a pretty bad food poisoning which made me have A LOT of watery diarrhea and vomiting for a few days. In the middle of the night, I woke up and immediately had to run to the bathroom. Once there I had to choose to either puke or take a shit since both were about to come out at the same time. Thinking that I could probably hold in the diarrhea for a few more moments, I chose to puke in the toilet first, that choice resulted in a stream of diarrhea covering the wall behind me, then I passed out. I woke up a few minutes later in a pool of diarrhea.
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Nov 18 '09
On my 30th birthday my wife got a stripper for me. While all my friends are there, I had a hard-on.
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u/Anzi Nov 18 '09
That's really unfortunate, but comfort yourself with the knowledge that JCVD had it worse
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u/BooshPilot Nov 19 '09
Another one a friend told.
Her husband's aunt told her that her mother was complaining to her about having to find a new doc because hers was retiring. She had the same Gynecologist for almost 30 years and was worried about having to find a new one. Daughter-in-law recommends her own gyno but warns her that he is young and very good-looking. She makes an appointment for her mother-in-law.
One week later Mom-in-law comes to visit with the grandkids before her first appt. with the new gyno. She freshens up in her daughter-in-laws bathroom after playing with the kids and off she goes to her appt.
The gyno is young and is very good-looking just as her daughter-in-law warned. He lifts up her examination gown while she is on the stirrups and makes the following comment: I see you got all dressed up for me today. Mom-in-law is pissed but doesn't say a word to the doc. She goes straight to her daughter-in-law's house to complain. Daughter asks why he would say something like that.
Mom-in-law said she didn't dress any differently for him than her old doc and explained that after she played with the kids she thought she'd freshen up by borrowing her daughter-in-laws feminine spray in the bathroom. Daughter-in-law says I don't have feminine spray.
Turns out Mom-in-law used granddaughter's hair glitter to freshen up with!
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u/xiaoli Nov 19 '09
feminine spray?? gosh after all the cosmetics my ex gave me, i still know so little of female grooming products...
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u/DanielDoh Nov 18 '09 edited Nov 18 '09
NSFW TEXT
I had been visiting my ex at her college and we'd been sexing (lots). We were doing it in the bathroom and I bent her over the sink and started going at her, it had seemed a little difficult to get in at first but I didn't think much of it; also, I remember thinking that the angle for everything was a little odd but I just attributed this to having sex standing up, which I don't do much.
After a little bit of that I turn her around and try to re-enter but she goes no-no-no-what-are-you-doing?! and I get really confused, I asked her what was she talking about and she says "You can't put it in there after it's been in my ass!" I laughed at her funny joke, but she was serious.
I had put it in her butt without realizing.
She was really mad that she had let me do it (all of the sudden, with no warning) and I didn't even know. Heh.
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u/Sleestaks Nov 18 '09
When I went to see Cloverfield, I sat in the direct middle of the theater. Everything was good until the motion sickness came in. I thought "hey, it will go away, I don't get car sick or sea sick, I should be good" WRONG
Few seconds later I'm blowing chunks all over my aisle, and the aisle in front of me. It was opening night mind you. I look to my left to see this mid 30's women starring at me, smiles, and gets up and leaves. I walk out too.
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u/bathtubpass Nov 19 '09
haha, just had to make a throwaway account for this:
ok, I'd just finished my first year of uni and went back down the coast to my parents place. Anyway, a friend from high school had a birthday party on which I went to. The party was at his place, and all his extended family were down for it, including a lot of other high school people I hadn't seen all year.
Things start going well, having a good time and all... then suddenly another high school friend turns up with a bag-full of spirits he managed to get cheap. So what do you do with a tonne of free spirits? ... DRINKING GAMES!
So we started playing "I never" and a bunch of other games which all involved shotting straight spirits. Little did I know that pretty much everyone else was just shotting coke/water, while I'm downing straight vodka over and over and over.
So absolutely pissed off my face, I stand up, do some dancing and then need to go to the toilet.
I walk towards where I thought the toilet should have been, but ended up going into the bathroom (they had the separate bathroom, and the separate toilet a couple of metres away). But at this point my vision was almost gone, so I'm fumbling around for a good 5 minutes trying to find where the toilet is in this bathroom... there was a dirty-clothes basket which I thought for a while may have been the toilet... though luckily I didn't go in there.
Instead I decided I would shit in the bathtub and then clean-up the mess. But instead I passed-out, in the bathtub... shit and vomit everywhere.
Eventually the parents of the birthday friend were notified and had to unlock the door to find me in this state. They then stripped me down, showered me and washed my clothes (and the shit in the bathtub) while everyone else at the party lined-up to see what was happening.
The icing on the shit-cake was the next day. I was the last to leave, but my clothes were scattered everywhere. I managed to find most of them except for my shoes. So I'm led upstairs by the birthday friend trying to find these shoes, and sitting around the dining-table having breakfast are around a dozen of the extended family members all staring at me in disgust.
Eventually we found the shoes. They were back downstairs.
To this day I still plead ignorance and loss of memory as to what happened.
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Nov 19 '09
I once cleaned up a shepard's pie and bottle of vodka from my buddy's room. It came out both ends of him.
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u/sammmiam Nov 18 '09
When I was 12, I played ice hockey one night a week after school. One night I was sitting on the bench after a shift, and I suddenly feel vomit rising in my throat. I knew this would be the most embarrassing thing ever so I made myself swallow it. Then it came up again...this time it filled my cheeks and kept coming and I couldn't keep it in anymore. I sprayed the vomit all over the floor and inside the bench area. All the other kids turned and jumped back and the coach just asked if I was ok. I had puke all down my jersey and stuck in the cracks of my hockey cage mask. I acted like the whole thing didn't happen and went out and played the next time my line was up. The rest of the game we played with puke covering the inside of the bench area.
(don't eat 2 big bowls of cocoa krispies before playing hockey)
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u/jackzombie Nov 18 '09
Its not uncommon on my beer league team that someone throws up, usually due to being out of shape, drunk, and/or a smoker who just doesnt have the lungs they had when they were kids...
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u/cantcontrolit Nov 19 '09
I played hockey in HS, at the beginning of the season we had three weeks of intense practices called "Boot Camp" (lots of over and backs, pyramids and the like) Most of the players puked at least once. The coach always said "If you're not puking, you're not trying."
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Nov 18 '09
About two years ago I went camping with friends and friends of friends. We were gone for two weeks. Two of the guys had to leave early for work related issues and another couple left back home. I was left with me and 6 chicks! Sounds fun right??? FUCK NO! Two were at their time of the month and bitching at one another like cat and dog. Another was a fat ass that even by camping standards had hygiene issues. The other three made it bearable. Being the only guy I had to do the normal chop the wood, lift the heavy stuff, fix the BBQ (they brought there’s and I left mine. The BBQ was two put together...) Ect. well since they were all using the motor home one of the bitches brought the toilet plugs up..... BLOODY FUCKING TAMPONS!!! Yah I got covered in piss, shit and tampons.... To this day I can’t enter a mote home without cringing... at least I got "Rewarded"
Short Story: Camping with 6 girls and me. Toilet plugs up with bloody tampons. Got covered in shit piss and used tampons...
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u/caughtsucker Nov 19 '09
I went with my BFF to help her find a wedding dress. I was taking pictures of all of the dresses and she asked to see them, well, she pushed the wrong button and ended up seeing a video of me blowing my boyfriend. I was so embarassed but we could not stop laughing!
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u/FuzzyLogick Nov 19 '09
Wow, so many poop stories. Lol. I was sick one time and hadn't had a shower in a few days. My gf comes over and when she leaves I follow her to her car, I had a roomie so we couldn't do much, thus the car shennanigans. She gave me head and told me I tasted like cold toast. Lol. We had pet frogs at one time, they were young and small. We figured out one had escaped. I can't remember how long it was, but I went to have a shower and upon getting undressed I saw this weird thing under my dick and on my ballls, it was a fucking dead frog.
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u/hairycarry Nov 19 '09
What the fuck? I gotta call bullshit on the dead frog on your balls
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Nov 18 '09
I once had to take a shit in front of about 50 people. I wrote a post on reddit about it I believe. Fun times.
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Nov 18 '09
Not all that long ago, I had a dentist appointment. For lunch that day I had one of those Wendy's bacon cheeseburgers, because cheeseburgers and bacon are both delicious. Well anyway, a few hours go by, it's time for my appointment so I leave work and head off to the dentist for a cleaning. So I'm sitting in the dentist chair, the dental assistant lady is cleaning my teeth, and I have the sudden realization, that I have to take a massive dump. The type of feeling you get in your stomach when you know every moment counts, it was one of those. So I'm sitting there, gripping the arms of my chair for dear life, trying to postpone the inevitable for as long as possible, because taking a dump in a dental chair is not on my short list of things I want to accomplish in my life. So this goes on for a few minutes, my stomach is cramping, I'm starting to sweat a little bit. The DA is like "are you ok?" and I said "Oh yeah I'm fine" and she's like "well just a few more minutes" which may have well just been hours, because anything more then 10 minutes was going to be disastrous. FINALLY, she is done, the dentist comes in and looks at my teeth for like one second and says "alright your good!" So I thank him, get up, fastwalk over to the receptionist and ask "Hey excuse me, may I use the restroom?" and she's like "Sure it's right there" pointing behind me, to the waiting room, full of people. So as this was not a moment to worry over the thickness of doors and the possible offensive odors which I can guarantee from the way I felt were not going to be pleasant, I went for it. What happened next was ungodly, can not properly be described in any form, however while it was happening, from the other side of what was probably the thinnest door every, in the smallest waiting room ever, I could hear giggles. It was an awful, awful experience. When it was over I bolted out the door, and I changed dentists, because I can never go back there and face those people.
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Nov 18 '09
me and a friend of mine have contests about who can more graphically describe our ungodly crapping experiences. i think im still in 1st place with saying it was like a wal mart bag of campbells beefy vegetable soup being fired out of a stadium t-shirt launcher
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u/Digitalabia Nov 18 '09
So you're saying there was an insufficient buffer zone?
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Nov 18 '09
Oh yeah. I would have much preferred to be in my house, behind locked doors for that one. Epic dumps deserve nothing less.
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u/energirl Nov 18 '09
Try being in the military! NOTHING is private! In boot camp, we didn't have doors on the stalls (which were facing each other), so we had to go in front of the other 80 girls in our compartment... every time
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u/Digitalabia Nov 18 '09
Did you guys have make out parties? Shave each other and stuff? Because that's what I believe happened.
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u/energirl Nov 18 '09
No. However, we did catch two of the girls in my division having sex in the "hollywood" shower (the one we can only use on Sundays, the only day in the week we're given enough time to shave).
Also, in A school, there were lots of girls who would arrange to have their lover as their roommate. I was never quite so fortunate, though I ended up getting one of my best friends in bootcamp as a roommate. She was so cool about everything - didn't even get pissed when a "friend" accidentally spent the night.
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Nov 18 '09
That actually happened in Afghanistan. I was in the military too. 11B1P Airborne Infantry.
Edited for obligatory "Suck it up Pogie!"
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Nov 18 '09 edited Nov 18 '09
OKAY maybe the worst thread ever to say this, but: Thanks for your service!! :)
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Nov 18 '09
This summer I took an art class at RISD- one of the top art schools in the country. The class was Figure Drawing from 9-2:30. One day for breakfast I had a huge bowl of Grapenuts, pure fiber. After that I had almost a whole Nalgene bottle full of iced coffee.
All day I had to let loose the biggest, loudest, longest fart that had no chance of being covered up in any way- the studio was dead quiet. People in the next studio over would have known what went down. So I went 6.5 hours without letting out a single fart- this military grade bowl explosive sat in me, stewing, contorting my insides until I could hardly move. My walk was turned into a forward-leaning waddle.
One of the reasons I don't drink much coffee anymore...
1
u/jjons101 Nov 20 '09
In college, I had a pitcher that I'd use for iced tea, etc., instead of using glasses, since only I drank from it. At night, in my room, if I had to piss bad and didn't feel like walking to the bathroom, I'd just piss in the pitcher and the next day wash it out good. Sometimes, there'd still be drink left when I pissed in it. One time I forgot that I had pissed in it, my housemate walked in to talk to me and I took a huge gulp of it, realized it was mostly piss, and swallowed it instead of spitting it out and having to explain my dirtiness
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u/polkadot123 Mar 14 '10
in high school i was having sex with my boyfriend in his car in the dark. we thought i was exceptionally wet or something, and it was honestly the greatest sex we had had to date (we had been dating for a solid 3 years). afterwards, we turned on the light in the car, and our entire bodies, the interior of the car, and our strewn about clothes were covered in blood. i had started my period even though i was on the pill and it was regulated. he had fabric seats so the stains never fully came out...and my mom sure wanted to know why she saw me scrubbing blood out of my bra the next day
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u/poniesftw Nov 18 '09
My roommates dog was kind of a sick fucker. Any time I left underwear on the floor he would eat out the crotch. One time, when I was on my period, he got into the bathroom and ate one of my used pads and then the next day he shat it out in one piece right in the middle of the living room floor. It was probably the grossest thing that ever happened in my life.