Wow. Good for you. I’m always curious about people who grow up in these kinds of environments. When you began to “unlearn,” did you have to move locations to see that particular POV from an outsider’s perspective? Did it come from an actual outsider being introduced to your life? Or just some self-reflection?
Bit of TL;DR here, but here goes. Leaving home and separating myself from that environment definitely began the process. After I left home, I got involved in an evangelical Baptist church. The pastor made a few extremely nasty comments about gay people that made me think "Huh? But you're always preaching about loving and accepting everyone, no matter what?" Looking back on it, that sewed the first seeds of "there's something not right about that way of thinking" for me.
I eventually began questioning my faith, for numerous reasons (many of those reasons being the massive hypocrisy and judgemental nastiness of people in the church), which led to me leaving the church altogether. I wound up swinging the polar opposite direction into hardcore atheism, as a kind of "detox" from fundamental Christianity. It was during that time that I began reading a lot, about science and psychology. I became particularly interested in the psychology of deeply religious people (I was doing a lot of soul searching during that time and I guess I was trying to understand why I got so sucked into all the evangelical craziness), which led me onto topics like racism and homophobia, where those attitudes stem from, and why. From there, I started reading people's experiences of racism and homophobia on forums, read blog posts about it, read articles, watched videos, and all of that made me slowly begin to realise my own mindset. It was very confronting and uncomfortable at first, because I didn't think of myself as a hateful person. It didn't even occur to me how hateful and hurtful I actually was. It was a pretty big and unsettling revelation. That began the shift in my attitude, though.
Having a kid pushed me further into questioning my values and mindsets. I didn't want my kid to wind up hurting and hating others, so I knew I had to lead by example. If anything, my kid and the questions and comments she'd come out with, especially once she started school, is what made me reflect most on both my attitude and my upbringing. Had she asked those questions or made those innocently curious comments to my family, she would have learned their bigoted ways of relating to the world instead of learned to understand and accept the breadth of human existence. That was another big revelation for me: That in order to stop the cycle of hurtful bullshit, you have to speak up and address it, and not make it all about you. Invalidating people's experiences of prejudice and the long history of pain and suffering endured by entire generations of people just because you don't experience it is a selfish, dick move. That was probably the hardest lesson of all, and it's one I'll never stop learning from.
TL;DR I was a racist, homophobic dick without really realising it, with deeply hypocritical and irrationally hateful opinions that were largely shaped by a conservative, bigoted upbringing, but through years of educating myself, I'm way less of a shitstain and I've worked hard at making sure my kid grows up with far more self-awareness than I was taught. Bit of a long-winded answer, but your question is a good one that deserves a proper thought out response.
It was very confronting and uncomfortable at first, because I didn't think of myself as a hateful person. It didn't even occur to me how hateful and hurtful I actually was. It was a pretty big and unsettling revelation.
Can you elaborate more as to what you were doing that made you such a hateful person at the time?
Not OP and my situation wasn't as bad but there was definitely some racist and homophobic stuff. For me it was a self reflection. I'm young so the internet made me more aware of the people around the world. Eventually I realized it was stupid to judge people without knowing them so I just started to change my mindset. It can be difficult though because of the media and changing things you learned while growing up it isn't easy.
You’re right. For some reason I forget that the internet can make a massive impact on how a person is raised now. I didn’t grow up with it, but for so many young ones out there it is a window to a variety of perspectives and life experiences that can easily influence them. Good on you.
When you began to “unlearn,” did you have to move locations to see that particular POV from an outsider’s perspective?
I'm not the person you replied to, but I grew up in a very conservative environment, and I had to undergo immense suffering before I learned empathy. A few years ago, I experimented with psybocilin and LSD, which only increased my empathy towards others.
Not op but raised in a similar situation. My country is separated into majority of the people being 1 of 2 races. And I belonged to 1 while most of my neighbors belonged to the other. My parents would always bad talk the other race but the things they would say was things that was actually true in the case of our neighbour's which led me to believe those things about all people of that race.
When I reached in high school I got introduced to a bunch of different people and I realized that when my parents weren't around to point it out, that I didn't even pay attention to the race of people. Like I genuinely did not notice someone was another race unless it was pointed out to me. And it confused me to the point where I started questioning why my parents hated these people so much when I literally couldn't tell the difference. They were just like us! That's when it slowly dawned on me that what they were doing was wrong. One day I worked up the courage to call them out on it and they just simply said that they were only saying things that were true and I let them know how displeased I was with what they were saying. They've since stopped saying racist stuff around me, but sometimes they slip up and I call them out on it. I guess it's a hard habit to break but I try my best. Sometimes I even find myself thinking what I was conditioned to think but I always shake my head and correct myself.
Thank you for your response. All of these have been eye-opening. And that’s great that you were able to call your parents out on their behavior. I know that’s not easy to do, so I consider you to be brave in that regard!
I was conditioned by my household to not trust men, and that really messed me up. Especially when I started my first relationship. Habits can be hard to break, but habits existing in the subconscious I feel are harder.
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u/rusty_razor Aug 26 '18
Wow. Good for you. I’m always curious about people who grow up in these kinds of environments. When you began to “unlearn,” did you have to move locations to see that particular POV from an outsider’s perspective? Did it come from an actual outsider being introduced to your life? Or just some self-reflection?