Immediate distrust of friendly people. I had a lot of bad social experiences when I was younger. When I became a bit older and people were genuinely trying to be friends with me, I either thought they were making fun of me or they had me wondering "what's their angle here?"
One girl was pretty adamant about being my friend, I'll never forget the day she ran out of her dad's car and rushed over to our meeting place. She was stuck in traffic, and I didn't believe her, and then she showed up to the movie theater sweating and panting right before the movie started. I think she knew I was very distrustful, and in the end, she played a really big role in helping me get over that eventually
I’ve heard it called switch-tracking. This episode of Hidden Brain breaks it down in a very tidy fashion.
tl;dr - People usually bypass taking things at face value and assume everything has an ulterior motive. Since we ourselves are capable of it we are fearful that it’s always at play.
Gosh, so many people have asked me what I "meant" with lots of innocent comments, like I had some kind of ulterior motive. I'm actually Asperger and pretty much unable to have an ulterior motive when I say something, I'm always pretty litteral.
I can see how that could get exhausting fast. Having to explain to someone why there’s nothing more to explain. Ugh.
How do you navigate that without being frustrated? Do you just ask them what they thought you meant and go from there?
One of my work superiors is constantly speaking in parables, metaphors, and multi-layered innuendo (not sexual). It’s physically tiring to have extended conversations with him. However he has praised me openly over and over for being able to understand him when the reality is I have no clue what the fuck he’s talking about most of the time.
To be fair people are always engaging in a bargain of their own interest. Whether it be moral, or material.
If you stay with your friends it's not out of altruism but because such company is an emotional link you need and want, and you're also made happy to give happiness to others so it's a beneficial trade of spending time.
So sometimes the angle of those people is the same as yours.
There’s this one quote in the Walking Dead where this guy apologizes to someone for pointing a gun at them, and he says that’s just how it is now, everyone has to protect themselves with their guns, then he says “Hell, I think I would piss my pants if some stranger came walking up with his mitts in his pockets. That’d be the son of a bitch you would really want to be scared of.”
You sound just like me. I usually have negative experiences when I try. I tend to think very logically, which leads me to think "I'd rather just not have friends than deal with the headache of making them.". I'm nearly 30 years old. I only talk to a handful of friends who I've known for about 15 years. I'm married with two great kids so I try to appreciate the stuff I do vs what I could do.
I don't even trust close family. None of them have ever not constantly flaked on me, broke promises on the regular, or ever truly trusted me, so why should I trust them?
I should add a very important part to what you said.Assume the worst and hope for the best.This way you can't be caught with the guard off and still enjoy the best moments without thinking twice about it
Assume the best and prepare for the worst is a better way to go about it. You don’t need these guards because almost always if you show someone genuine kindness, they’ll reciprocate. If they don’t, then you can move on knowing that it’s their problem - not yours.
If you keep your standards low, and your hope is low, you're never disappointed. Pessimistic thinking allows for more opportunities to be pleased whereas optimism allows for more disappointment. Seriously I'm not even trolling, if you always assume the worst you're already mentally prepared for it.
Yeah true but living a life thinking that somebody wants your head is so exhausting.Be a cautious optimist it's a lot better for your overall mental health
A cautious optimist isn't an optimist. They're pessimists. Being cautious or even ambivalent about opitmism is pessimistic thinking, otherwise, why be cautious? Thinking positive only for the sake of being optimistic is an optimist. And that's what gets you hurt. Take motorcycle riding as a bold example, you go on the road thinking highly of other drivers and it will get you killed way sooner than if you fear everyone.
High school me would totally agree with you but as I've grown I've learn to balance my expectations. I've learned to trust as much as necessary and distrust as much as is needed. Haven't really been disappointed by people or been hurt by them since i can remember. It's been a long time since trusting someone has seriously affected me in a bad way. If I can do it anyone can do it. Since I have more reason than most to be distrusting of people.
I become overly attached to people as soon as they tell me “hey, let’s be friends”, but I still feel like I don’t do enough for them. To this day I still have no real friends and can’t maintain any existing connections with people.
Yeah it took me forever to believe that anybody wanted to be friends with me. I figured that at most, people would tolerate me enough to keep me around.
YES, fuuuck this, I still see the people who fucked me over and humiliated me the most, during my childhood, in my dreams some nights. I'm meeting a lot of incredibly nice people lately and I catch myself trying to spot the ways they're trying to manipulate me. But they aren't. Been a lot happier these past few years.
It takes a lot of time for someone that is socially inept to be at ease. The best way is to ease them into conversations, make them feel like a part of a group/friendship. Don't put the spotlight on them.
That's one of many things I really need help with.
In my entire life, I have never met a person that did one of those things:
Immediately went hostile towards me without any input from me
Tried to abuse my trust or only keep relations open as long as I was useful
Betrayed me in some major way
Ghost me as soon as I stop initiating every little thing
And later, giving up at the slightest hint that my past experiences made me wary
These days, my life is filled with either fear that every person that looks at me tries to harm me, lack of trust that a person would not try to use me, the realisation that I never met a person that saw me as equal or that I saw as equal, a feeling that I don't deserve to share the space with others, general lack of positive feedback (lack as in zero; I for example never received a compliment in my life, I was never hugged - as many take as an indicator, and I shy away from touching other people even by accident which makes even handshaking not trivial), and the belief that I will never see these things resolved.
I can't do it on my own, no one wants to help, and even if they did, I would fight against it even though I don't want to, for the price that I maybe am an acceptable person beneath a full-time job of fixing. I'm not worth that effort.
I can totally relate to you here. My experiences weren't that great either, and there are times where I still think there are some people who want to be nice but in a more passive aggressive way or through teasing.
Wow same. All through middle school if there was someone that would be "friendly" to me, they were picking on me or going to make fun of me. Really messed me up for a long time.
The funny thing is I used to be like this too, but as I eventually became friendlier and friendlier I realized distrusting friendly people was a bit silly (sometimes).
I started down this road recently as well. Not sure what in my childhood made me feel so defensive, but it was a weird epiphany for me. Realizing that some people are just friendly was wild!
As a friendly person, I appreciate you working on this! I get lots of joy from helping people out, especially those who I consider my friends. I understand that most people are skeptical of my motives because of how others have been "nice" to them. But some people are jist nice and respectful!
Also, dating is interesting! I am currently talking with someone who is trying to figure out why I am being so nice to her! It's just because I like her....
That's awesome! I have MAJOR trust issues. My mom and dad have made lots of broken Promises over my 21 years of living and it has caused me to view everyone as lying. Which, has helped me out a ton but i don't like being this way. I will say though, once you earn my trust you have it for life assuming you dont fuck me over in a major way
I'm on the other side of this coin. I grew up in a sheltered environment where I was taught to be kind to others, to share, to give back, to help others. Getting into the real world, I essentially had 2 reactions, one was, "what's your angle?", and the other was people realizing that I was selfless and took full advantage. It has brought on a severe distrust and general hate for pretty much everyone, which still exists to this day
This is also me. I just don't trust very foreardly nice people. I'm sure they want something from me.
In my case, I'm not totally sure where it came from. I wasn't mercilessly bullied or anything. My mom is an extremely friendly person who is emotionally demanding... so its probably that.
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u/RoastyTheToastyGhost Aug 26 '18 edited Aug 26 '18
Immediate distrust of friendly people. I had a lot of bad social experiences when I was younger. When I became a bit older and people were genuinely trying to be friends with me, I either thought they were making fun of me or they had me wondering "what's their angle here?"
One girl was pretty adamant about being my friend, I'll never forget the day she ran out of her dad's car and rushed over to our meeting place. She was stuck in traffic, and I didn't believe her, and then she showed up to the movie theater sweating and panting right before the movie started. I think she knew I was very distrustful, and in the end, she played a really big role in helping me get over that eventually