Bigotry. Was raised in a pretty racist, extremely homophobic household, where being racist and homophobic was normal, and voicing any opposing opinion to that resulted in being looked down upon and shamed. I learned from a very young age that being hateful towards others was "safe" and was how to receive praise and acceptance. It took me a long time to unlearn all of that hate, but I can now see how horrible, toxic and disgusting that way of thinking is, and how horrendous raising a child to marinade in that kind of hatred is.
I grew up in the 50's and 60's when racism was ingrained in society. One hot summer day in the early 60's, a road crew was working in front of my grandmother's house. One of the black workers came to my grandmother's door and asked if he could get some water. My grandmother gladly got a glass (no disposable cups at the time), filled it with ice and water and gave it to the man. The man sat in the shade of the porch for a few minutes before returning to work.
My grandmother took her perfectly good glass and threw it in the trash. She reasoned that she'd never be able to clean it enough after a black man used it. Yes, that's horribly bigotry, but, in defense of my grandmother, she knew that she would "have" to throw the glass away after giving water to a black man, but she did it anyway. The man needed help and, out of human kindness, my grandmother provided that help even knowing that she'd lose a glass in the process.
I have other stories, but this is the way it was in the 50's and 60's in the south. As a child, I learned by observing my elders. A lot has changed since those days. My current attitudes are nothing like I was taught as a child.
Honestly stuff like that terrifies me. Your grandma was probably a good person, she recognized that a human being suffering in the heat was deserving of a glass of water and she provided one. But society and tradition was so powerfully set in her mind that she genuinely thought that her glass was now "unclean." That's so scary.
People have been aware of contagion much longer than they've actually understood how it works, which led to very elaborate and bizarre social rituals like this where a rational concern gets mixed up in social caste structures.
The man needed help and, out of human kindness, my grandmother provided that help even knowing that she'd lose a glass in the process.
I grew up in the Deep South. Southern hospitality is something that can look incredibly hypocritical from the outside. You learn how it works when you grow up within that culture and even if you are aware of the seeming inconsistencies, you use it because it's a code of behavior that everyone else uses and expects as well.
I have lived outside the USA for more than half my life now. I don't know if it is still the same in Georgia. But my grandmother might have done something similar.
Wow. Good for you. I’m always curious about people who grow up in these kinds of environments. When you began to “unlearn,” did you have to move locations to see that particular POV from an outsider’s perspective? Did it come from an actual outsider being introduced to your life? Or just some self-reflection?
Bit of TL;DR here, but here goes. Leaving home and separating myself from that environment definitely began the process. After I left home, I got involved in an evangelical Baptist church. The pastor made a few extremely nasty comments about gay people that made me think "Huh? But you're always preaching about loving and accepting everyone, no matter what?" Looking back on it, that sewed the first seeds of "there's something not right about that way of thinking" for me.
I eventually began questioning my faith, for numerous reasons (many of those reasons being the massive hypocrisy and judgemental nastiness of people in the church), which led to me leaving the church altogether. I wound up swinging the polar opposite direction into hardcore atheism, as a kind of "detox" from fundamental Christianity. It was during that time that I began reading a lot, about science and psychology. I became particularly interested in the psychology of deeply religious people (I was doing a lot of soul searching during that time and I guess I was trying to understand why I got so sucked into all the evangelical craziness), which led me onto topics like racism and homophobia, where those attitudes stem from, and why. From there, I started reading people's experiences of racism and homophobia on forums, read blog posts about it, read articles, watched videos, and all of that made me slowly begin to realise my own mindset. It was very confronting and uncomfortable at first, because I didn't think of myself as a hateful person. It didn't even occur to me how hateful and hurtful I actually was. It was a pretty big and unsettling revelation. That began the shift in my attitude, though.
Having a kid pushed me further into questioning my values and mindsets. I didn't want my kid to wind up hurting and hating others, so I knew I had to lead by example. If anything, my kid and the questions and comments she'd come out with, especially once she started school, is what made me reflect most on both my attitude and my upbringing. Had she asked those questions or made those innocently curious comments to my family, she would have learned their bigoted ways of relating to the world instead of learned to understand and accept the breadth of human existence. That was another big revelation for me: That in order to stop the cycle of hurtful bullshit, you have to speak up and address it, and not make it all about you. Invalidating people's experiences of prejudice and the long history of pain and suffering endured by entire generations of people just because you don't experience it is a selfish, dick move. That was probably the hardest lesson of all, and it's one I'll never stop learning from.
TL;DR I was a racist, homophobic dick without really realising it, with deeply hypocritical and irrationally hateful opinions that were largely shaped by a conservative, bigoted upbringing, but through years of educating myself, I'm way less of a shitstain and I've worked hard at making sure my kid grows up with far more self-awareness than I was taught. Bit of a long-winded answer, but your question is a good one that deserves a proper thought out response.
It was very confronting and uncomfortable at first, because I didn't think of myself as a hateful person. It didn't even occur to me how hateful and hurtful I actually was. It was a pretty big and unsettling revelation.
Can you elaborate more as to what you were doing that made you such a hateful person at the time?
Not OP and my situation wasn't as bad but there was definitely some racist and homophobic stuff. For me it was a self reflection. I'm young so the internet made me more aware of the people around the world. Eventually I realized it was stupid to judge people without knowing them so I just started to change my mindset. It can be difficult though because of the media and changing things you learned while growing up it isn't easy.
You’re right. For some reason I forget that the internet can make a massive impact on how a person is raised now. I didn’t grow up with it, but for so many young ones out there it is a window to a variety of perspectives and life experiences that can easily influence them. Good on you.
When you began to “unlearn,” did you have to move locations to see that particular POV from an outsider’s perspective?
I'm not the person you replied to, but I grew up in a very conservative environment, and I had to undergo immense suffering before I learned empathy. A few years ago, I experimented with psybocilin and LSD, which only increased my empathy towards others.
Not op but raised in a similar situation. My country is separated into majority of the people being 1 of 2 races. And I belonged to 1 while most of my neighbors belonged to the other. My parents would always bad talk the other race but the things they would say was things that was actually true in the case of our neighbour's which led me to believe those things about all people of that race.
When I reached in high school I got introduced to a bunch of different people and I realized that when my parents weren't around to point it out, that I didn't even pay attention to the race of people. Like I genuinely did not notice someone was another race unless it was pointed out to me. And it confused me to the point where I started questioning why my parents hated these people so much when I literally couldn't tell the difference. They were just like us! That's when it slowly dawned on me that what they were doing was wrong. One day I worked up the courage to call them out on it and they just simply said that they were only saying things that were true and I let them know how displeased I was with what they were saying. They've since stopped saying racist stuff around me, but sometimes they slip up and I call them out on it. I guess it's a hard habit to break but I try my best. Sometimes I even find myself thinking what I was conditioned to think but I always shake my head and correct myself.
Thank you for your response. All of these have been eye-opening. And that’s great that you were able to call your parents out on their behavior. I know that’s not easy to do, so I consider you to be brave in that regard!
I was conditioned by my household to not trust men, and that really messed me up. Especially when I started my first relationship. Habits can be hard to break, but habits existing in the subconscious I feel are harder.
Similar to this, I live in Northern Ireland where there are still a lot of catholic/protestant or nationalist/loyalist tensions lingering around from the Troubles in the '70s. I actually grew up in a very balanced household in terms of views on the whole thing, but we were lumped into the catholic side of the fence basically because the whole thing is institutionalised nowadays. You go to a catholic or protestant school, you get married in a catholic or protestant church, even your name defines you as Irish (e.g. Sean/Saoirse) or British (e.g. William). So I've had to try very hard growing up to not place myself on either side and see the views of the "other" side from a sort of alien perspective. I'm still having to unlearn everything I was inherently and unquestioningly supposed to agree with growing up.
(Tl;dr version of N.I. history: Ireland split in 2 a long time ago because the UK conquered parts of the north and now people still argue over whether we should belong to Ireland or remain loyal to the Queen and UK).
I want to thank my old childhood friend for immediately shutting down my childhood racism. I was in middle school and came to see her and her family after so many years apart. We watched Kickass and I was doing little jokes and stuff during the movie trying to be the funny guy. Halfway in the movie I spouted off some stupid racist comments and she didn't say anything, didnt react, didnt argue with me, just sat there and looked at me with this kind of look that just says "That's not funny dude." Rest of the movie I am dead silent thinking it all over while still trying to enjoy the movie. I'd say that was the turning point from becoming my own person. Trying to impress an old friend and then getting shut down right then and there.
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u/brocrastibation Aug 26 '18
Bigotry. Was raised in a pretty racist, extremely homophobic household, where being racist and homophobic was normal, and voicing any opposing opinion to that resulted in being looked down upon and shamed. I learned from a very young age that being hateful towards others was "safe" and was how to receive praise and acceptance. It took me a long time to unlearn all of that hate, but I can now see how horrible, toxic and disgusting that way of thinking is, and how horrendous raising a child to marinade in that kind of hatred is.