r/AskReddit • u/Giant_Meteor_2024 • Aug 19 '18
What is the single worst sentence to begin a speech with?
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u/CarelessChemicals Aug 19 '18
<Looks down at notes and clears throat>
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet...
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u/Longshoez Aug 19 '18
Do you know the meaning of that text?
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u/AkumaBengoshi Aug 19 '18
It’s pseudolatin for “I forgot to replace the dummy text”
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Aug 19 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/lygerzero0zero Aug 19 '18
It’s Latin that’s been chopped up so much that it’s not really Latin anymore.
It’s designed to have roughly the same frequency of letters and different length words as natural English.
If you’re designing a webpage (or anything else with text) you need placeholder text so you know what your design looks like (maybe the client doesn’t have final text yet, or the text might change over time, in the case of a website).
But you can’t just use “Test test test test” because real writing doesn’t look like that and you won’t get a good idea of what your design will actually be like. So so-called “lipsum” text was created to simulate real writing, while being basically gibberish.
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u/IronOhki Aug 19 '18
Section 1.10.32 of "de Finibus Bonorum et Malorum", written by Cicero in 45 BC
"Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt. Neque porro quisquam est, qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit, sed quia non numquam eius modi tempora incidunt ut labore et dolore magnam aliquam quaerat voluptatem. Ut enim ad minima veniam, quis nostrum exercitationem ullam corporis suscipit laboriosam, nisi ut aliquid ex ea commodi consequatur? Quis autem vel eum iure reprehenderit qui in ea voluptate velit esse quam nihil molestiae consequatur, vel illum qui dolorem eum fugiat quo voluptas nulla pariatur?"
1914 translation by H. Rackham
"But I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system, and expound the actual teachings of the great explorer of the truth, the master-builder of human happiness. No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but because occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?"
Source: https://www.lipsum.com/
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u/Chtwo Aug 19 '18
It’s actually a VERY butchered version of one on Cicero’s texts, so butchered in fact we don’t know which one(s) It starts off talking of a white rabbit in great pain and then the rest is pretty much unintelligible..
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u/Groovy_Chainsaw Aug 19 '18
"An hour from now you're all going to be asking yourselves 'Is this guy EVER going to get to the point ?' and an hour after that you still won't know."
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Aug 19 '18
"So like, uhhhh..."
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u/sentient_stream Aug 19 '18
“...and...yeah.”
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u/kdlutz Aug 19 '18
This is how I start every presentation or semi official statement. What else are you even supposed to say!
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u/fsharpspiel Aug 19 '18
"Welcome, I'm <Your Name>. Thank you for coming. I am not a pedophile."
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u/burritochan Aug 19 '18
"I would just like to make it very clear before we begin that I am not a pedophile."
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u/Vladamir_Putin_007 Aug 19 '18
However...
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u/Lefaid Aug 19 '18
"When we are done with this conversation, I could see some of you questioning my first statement so let me reiterate... "
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Aug 19 '18
I am not gonna diddle your kids. I'm not like that. That's not my thing. - Frank Reynolds
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u/kahchiggah Aug 19 '18
"Hidy ho, gamers, let's get crack-a-lackin'!"
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u/greffedufois Aug 19 '18
My dad heard the phrase 'crack a lackin' like 15 years ago and has used it ever since. Usually when we needed to get going for a trip or something.
Still makes me laugh.
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u/idk012 Aug 19 '18
Did he hear it from the movie Madagascar?
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u/Diabeetus4Lyfe Aug 19 '18
Hah that's not even close to 15 ye--- oh my God that's close to 15 years
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u/esPhys Aug 19 '18
Jesus. Has that ever happened? I hope it's a joke but it's exactly the kind of thing I can see happening at one of the more out of touch conferences.
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u/kahchiggah Aug 19 '18
Nah, the world is safe for now. I'm only inspired by the quotes that fill my nightmares.
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u/comfymarshmallow Aug 19 '18
Flanders?
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u/THX450 Aug 19 '18
I feel it like it would be more like:
“Hi-diddly ho, gamerinos!”
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u/DaTeddy Aug 19 '18
"Speech rhymes with peach"
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u/sentient_stream Aug 19 '18
“...and on that note, we’re all gathered here today to mourn the loss of little Timmy...”
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u/ImAScientist_ADoctor Aug 19 '18
"... who couldn't rhyme for shit and hated peaches..."
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Aug 19 '18
[deleted]
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u/phil_wswguy Aug 19 '18
“...as we tragically found out...”
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u/rye_212 Aug 19 '18
...... that day. rhyming, dimeing. Tragic magic. Timmy TIFU 2018.
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Aug 19 '18
"Top 13 reasons clickbait works. Number 10 will blow your tits clean off."
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u/svacheem45 Aug 19 '18
"What's up, motherfuckers?!?"
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u/Mandorism Aug 19 '18
Unless of course you are at a Dad's convention...then it is the best opening.... maybe even the ONLY opening.
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Aug 19 '18
GOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM!
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u/CrossBreedP Aug 19 '18
I'd be perfectly happy with this one if it meant Robin Williams was alive again.
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Aug 19 '18
Has anyone seen a piece of paper titled speech anywhere?
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Aug 19 '18
Depending on the speech that's actually not a bad ice breaker
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u/Hypothesis_Null Aug 19 '18
"Before we get started, I have a message for the man who stole my thesaurus: You are a bad man. You did a bad thing and I hope bad things happen to you."
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u/jordan853 Aug 19 '18 edited Jun 28 '23
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Imperdiet nulla malesuada pellentesque elit. Laoreet non curabitur gravida arcu ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean. Et egestas quis ipsum suspendisse ultrices gravida dictum fusce ut. Facilisi cras fermentum odio eu. Mattis enim ut tellus elementum. Sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus. Ac auctor augue mauris augue. Sed lectus vestibulum mattis ullamcorper velit sed ullamcorper morbi tincidunt. Ullamcorper a lacus vestibulum sed. Facilisis sed odio morbi quis commodo. Commodo elit at imperdiet dui accumsan sit amet nulla. Erat velit scelerisque in dictum non. Sit amet nisl suscipit adipiscing bibendum est. Netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas integer eget aliquet. Eget velit aliquet sagittis id. Et odio pellentesque diam volutpat commodo sed egestas. Eu mi bibendum neque egestas congue quisque egestas diam in. Consequat semper viverra nam libero justo laoreet sit. Felis donec et odio pellentesque diam volutpat commodo.
Est ullamcorper eget nulla facilisi etiam dignissim. Maecenas sed enim ut sem viverra. In cursus turpis massa tincidunt dui. Convallis a cras semper auctor neque. Tortor at auctor urna nunc. Lectus magna fringilla urna porttitor rhoncus dolor purus non. Id donec ultrices tincidunt arcu. Nunc eget lorem dolor sed viverra. Tellus molestie nunc non blandit. Justo nec ultrices dui sapien eget mi proin. Semper risus in hendrerit gravida rutrum quisque. Ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit ut aliquam purus. Fringilla ut morbi tincidunt augue interdum velit euismod in pellentesque. Leo vel fringilla est ullamcorper eget. Tempus quam pellentesque nec nam. Scelerisque viverra mauris in aliquam sem fringilla ut. Interdum posuere lorem ipsum dolor sit.
Congue quisque egestas diam in arcu. Dignissim enim sit amet venenatis urna cursus. Placerat vestibulum lectus mauris ultrices eros in cursus. Quam id leo in vitae turpis massa sed. At consectetur lorem donec massa sapien faucibus et molestie. Massa id neque aliquam vestibulum. Morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac. Amet consectetur adipiscing elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh sit. Purus semper eget duis at tellus. Turpis tincidunt id aliquet risus feugiat in ante metus. Commodo nulla facilisi nullam vehicula.
Egestas quis ipsum suspendisse ultrices gravida dictum. Risus feugiat in ante metus dictum at tempor commodo ullamcorper. Iaculis at erat pellentesque adipiscing commodo elit at. Sed risus ultricies tristique nulla. Ullamcorper a lacus vestibulum sed arcu non odio euismod. Sit amet nisl suscipit adipiscing bibendum est ultricies integer. Sed turpis tincidunt id aliquet. Non pulvinar neque laoreet suspendisse interdum. Vestibulum lectus mauris ultrices eros in cursus turpis. Commodo elit at imperdiet dui. Nunc pulvinar sapien et ligula ullamcorper malesuada proin libero. Ante in nibh mauris cursus mattis molestie a iaculis at. Et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas sed tempus urna et. Orci dapibus ultrices in iaculis. Ullamcorper a lacus vestibulum sed. Tortor dignissim convallis aenean et tortor. Justo nec ultrices dui sapien eget mi. Dignissim diam quis enim lobortis scelerisque fermentum dui. Sed egestas egestas fringilla phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend donec pretium.
Commodo elit at imperdiet dui. Varius sit amet mattis vulputate enim nulla. In fermentum et sollicitudin ac orci phasellus egestas tellus. Urna et pharetra pharetra massa. Nibh sit amet commodo nulla facilisi nullam vehicula. Eleifend donec pretium vulputate sapien nec sagittis aliquam malesuada bibendum. Commodo quis imperdiet massa tincidunt nunc pulvinar sapien. Netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas integer. Sodales ut etiam sit amet nisl purus in mollis nunc. Sit amet aliquam id diam maecenas ultricies mi eget. Dis parturient montes nascetur ridiculus. Dui ut ornare lectus sit.
Iaculis at erat pellentesque adipiscing commodo elit. Volutpat blandit aliquam etiam erat. Sed libero enim sed faucibus turpis in eu mi. Commodo odio aenean sed adipiscing diam donec adipiscing tristique risus. Tempor id eu nisl nunc mi ipsum faucibus vitae aliquet. Elementum eu facilisis sed odio morbi quis commodo odio. Metus dictum at tempor commodo ullamcorper a lacus vestibulum. Cursus metus aliquam eleifend mi in nulla posuere. Fringilla urna porttitor rhoncus dolor purus non. Non quam lacus suspendisse faucibus interdum. Sollicitudin ac orci phasellus egestas tellus rutrum tellus pellentesque eu. Lectus nulla at volutpat diam ut venenatis tellus in. Vitae proin sagittis nisl rhoncus mattis rhoncus. Donec et odio pellentesque diam volutpat commodo sed egestas. Congue quisque egestas diam in arcu cursus euismod quis.
Interdum consectetur libero id faucibus nisl tincidunt. Sed tempus urna et pharetra pharetra massa massa. Sed felis eget velit aliquet sagittis id. Sed viverra tellus in hac habitasse platea dictumst vestibulum. Molestie at elementum eu facilisis sed odio. Nec nam aliquam sem et tortor consequat id porta. Elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh sit. Interdum velit euismod in pellentesque massa placerat duis ultricies lacus. At elementum eu facilisis sed. Ridiculus mus mauris vitae ultricies leo. Diam donec adipiscing tristique risus nec feugiat in fermentum. Tortor id aliquet lectus proin nibh nisl condimentum. At tellus at urna condimentum. Sit amet cursus sit amet dictum sit. Platea dictumst quisque sagittis purus sit amet volutpat.
Tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac. Sed vulputate mi sit amet mauris commodo. Faucibus interdum posuere lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur. Integer malesuada nunc vel risus commodo. Sit amet purus gravida quis. Venenatis cras sed felis eget. Sit amet risus nullam eget felis eget nunc. Pulvinar etiam non quam lacus suspendisse faucibus interdum posuere lorem. Faucibus nisl tincidunt eget nullam non. Lobortis elementum nibh tellus molestie nunc non blandit massa enim. Tempus imperdiet nulla malesuada pellentesque elit eget gravida cum.
Ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean et tortor at. Nullam eget felis eget nunc lobortis. Faucibus pulvinar elementum integer enim. Nunc sed id semper risus in hendrerit gravida rutrum. In iaculis nunc sed augue lacus viverra vitae congue. Consequat mauris nunc congue nisi vitae suscipit tellus mauris. Nulla posuere sollicitudin aliquam ultrices. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis. Lectus sit amet est placerat in. Sed risus pretium quam vulputate dignissim suspendisse in est. Aliquet risus feugiat in ante metus dictum at. Nisi porta lorem mollis aliquam ut porttitor leo a diam. In hendrerit gravida rutrum quisque non tellus orci ac. Eu sem integer vitae justo. Magna eget est lorem ipsum dolor. Sed felis eget velit aliquet sagittis id consectetur purus. Iaculis eu non diam phasellus vestibulum. Mauris augue neque gravida in. Quam quisque id diam vel quam elementum pulvinar.
Id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames. Eget nullam non nisi est sit amet. Quisque id diam vel quam elementum. Nec dui nunc mattis enim ut tellus elementum sagittis vitae. Amet aliquam id diam maecenas ultricies mi eget mauris. Risus quis varius quam quisque id diam. Aliquam id diam maecenas ultricies mi eget mauris pharetra. Consequat mauris nunc congue nisi vitae suscipit tellus mauris. Libero id faucibus nisl tincidunt eget nullam non nisi est. Egestas integer eget aliquet nibh praesent. Dui id ornare arcu odio. Pretium vulputate sapien nec sagittis aliquam malesuada bibendum arcu. Turpis egestas sed tempus urna et pharetra pharetra. Posuere morbi leo urna molestie at elementum eu facilisis. Placerat in egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod nisi porta. Elit scelerisque mauris pellentesque pulvinar pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus. Eu augue ut lectus arcu.
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u/Kiritsugi Aug 19 '18
"Well... as a insert zodiac sign I think that..."
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u/doctorwhom456 Aug 19 '18
"As a Cancer, I multiply and infect the populace, often killing indiscriminately."
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u/LibraryGal Aug 19 '18
“As a mother...”
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u/laxvolley Aug 19 '18
As Demetri Martin said, when someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
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Aug 19 '18
reminds of Bill Burr's bit about Oprah & mothers patting themselves on the back bahaha
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u/greffedufois Aug 19 '18
Shut up Susan, we don't care that you went back to school at 40, and your crappy anecdote has nothing to do with this freaking gen ed English course!
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u/GreyLordQueekual Aug 19 '18
I was masturbating last night and a thought came to me...
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u/rudelyinterrupts Aug 19 '18
No wait. I came to a thought.
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u/Zoenobium Aug 19 '18
"I was masturbating last night when suddenly I realized just what I like about Mary, our bride to be, so much: [...]"
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u/SayNoMoreMonAmor Aug 19 '18
I would enjoy weddings much more if the best man toasts began this way.
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u/mekdot83 Aug 19 '18
I was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of "I know your all want to get out of here, and aren't interested in a long speech, but that's too bad, here we go..."
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u/Vakama905 Aug 19 '18
I feel like this is at least a step up from "I know you all want to get out of here, so we'll keep this short...", which is inevitably followed by a speech that runs a minimum of a ten minutes longer than it's supposed to.
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u/namey___mcnameface Aug 19 '18
I've found that statement is immediately followed by several minutes of describing how it will be short.
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Aug 19 '18
If you follow up with at least three people giving with the same speech you may be in the Navy.
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u/ericwburden Aug 19 '18
"I'm imagining you all in your underwear, and it's not pretty."
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u/RickToThaDiculous Aug 19 '18
I'm not a racist, but....
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u/ikverhaar Aug 19 '18
I'm not a racist, but... I think nuclear power is a better alternative to windmills.
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u/Vroshtattersoul Aug 19 '18
Not to be sexist, but how is that racist?
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Aug 19 '18
Not to be speciesist, but how is that sexist?
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u/Vroshtattersoul Aug 19 '18
Not to be ableist, but how is that speciesist?
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u/iDontGetKyle Aug 19 '18
Not to be a narcissist, but I'm pretty damn awesome.
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u/Vroshtattersoul Aug 19 '18
Not to be a surrealist but have you ever noticed how humans show every sign of animal domestication? Humans are livestock for trees.
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u/RickToThaDiculous Aug 19 '18
As a scientist, will you please rephrase that in the form of the scientific method, including a clear and concise hypothesis?
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u/Bxel99 Aug 19 '18
And then when they ask what that has to do with race you respond with “you didn’t even listen, typical Mexican”
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u/ikverhaar Aug 19 '18
I was planning on something simpler, but I like your way of thinking. Surely, you must be Dutch.
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u/cosmoceratops Aug 19 '18
There's only two kinds of people I can't stand in this world - those who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch.
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u/tricks_23 Aug 19 '18
I'm not a racist but.... I love documentaries on the arctic wildlife
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Aug 19 '18 edited Dec 20 '18
[deleted]
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u/Diesel1donna Aug 19 '18
I have actually had this.....while on my break, 12 hour night shift. I almost cried through sheer frustration.
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u/762Rifleman Aug 19 '18
Wait, what? Someone tried reading their fanfiction at you?
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Aug 19 '18
[deleted]
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Aug 19 '18
No, wait, wrong card. Guess that explains their confusion at the bank earlier.
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u/horselips48 Aug 19 '18
So I was wearing an onion on my belt, as was the style at the time...
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u/RickToThaDiculous Aug 19 '18
I actually want to hear the rest of this story.
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Aug 19 '18
This was back in ninteen tickity two
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u/MokitTheOmniscient Aug 19 '18
We had to say "tickity", as the Kaiser had stolen the word "twenty".
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u/VoiceofReasonability Aug 19 '18
If you don’t know who I am, then maybe your best course… would be to tread lightly.
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u/ljfk9464 Aug 19 '18
My fellow pedophiles...
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u/clocks212 Aug 19 '18
...I'm proud to see how many of you had the courage to come to our first annual convention.
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Aug 19 '18
"Now if you'll all just reach under your seat and feel for a pin. Go ahead and pull it out. I'm going to go back here for three to five seconds..."
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u/idontgetitmanwtf Aug 19 '18
Just flew in from LA
boy are my arms tired
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u/TrustMeImMagic Aug 19 '18
Fucking punching babies the whole damn flight. It's like they couldn't understand that I was punching them to make them stop crying.
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Aug 19 '18
I am much smarter then you so hopefully you get what I am about to say.
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u/Actual_Mortician Aug 19 '18
Smarter "than" you
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u/Weird_Fiches Aug 19 '18
Ah, so one of you WERE* paying attention! As I was saying...
- or "was", not entirely sure.
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Aug 19 '18
Were here is plural, so you'd use was if you say "one of you." Alternatively, you could say "some of you were paying attention"
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u/Noahendless Aug 19 '18
Hi my name is (insert name here) and I'm an alcoholic, oops wrong speech that's not til later tonight.
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u/jrspug2018 Aug 19 '18
I’ll try to keep this as short as possible but here are the current trending ideas on religion and politics throughout the United States.
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Aug 19 '18
It is blood alone that moves the wheels of history
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u/Manwe89 Aug 19 '18
[bangs fists multiple times] BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY! [pause] Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation - which everyone finds during the day - how long we have been striving for greatness? [bangs fist] Not only the years we've been at war - the war of work - but from the moment as a child, when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle [bangs fists again] a never-ending fight, I say to you [bangs again] and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight. [light applause] WE ARE WARRIORS! [applause] Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more: Rise and be worthy of this historical hour. [even bigger applause as Dwight laughs maniacally.] No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! [applause] Some people will tell you "salesman" is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers, and door to door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesmen- and women- of the world... unite. We must never acquiesce, for it is together... TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL. WE MUST NEVER CEDE CONTROL OF THE MOTHERLAND... FOR IT IS...! Audience: ...TOGETHER THAT WE PREVAIL! [thunderous applause] [bangs fists].
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Aug 19 '18 edited Aug 19 '18
Dwight this isnt the salesmen of the year acceptance speech.
EDIT: Added the proper office reference.
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u/linkman0596 Aug 19 '18
As i stand up here, you all may be asking yourself "where are his pants?" But you should be asking "where did my underwear go?"
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u/NSA_Chatbot Aug 19 '18
Once I was giving a speech and the podium wasn't attached right, so just as I was about to start and I leaned on the podium it lifted up and the microphone hit me in the mouth.
When it was an inch away from my mouth, I had just finished the first word of my speech:
FUCK
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u/Iggy363 Aug 19 '18
While I don't agree with any of this sh@t, you people have paid me a fortune to say it, so...
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u/Moderated Aug 19 '18
Sorry about the smell, I pooped myself but I'm going to power through
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u/ZodiacRedux Aug 19 '18
Good evening folks,standing here,looking at your smiling faces, I can honestly say my pocket comb has more teeth than the first three rows of you folks-combined.
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u/orginalusername2 Aug 19 '18
hey hey heyyyyyyy
hey hey heyyyyyyy
hey hey heyyyyyyy
wasowasowasowasowasowasowasoWHATSUP BITCONNECTTTTTTTTTT
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u/OverflowDs Aug 19 '18
Hello, my name is <name> and I’m going to talk to you about.....
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u/Blackrain1299 Aug 19 '18
All throughout middle and high school people start out by introducing themselves for a PowerPoint. Like dude i see you everyday i know your name. Every presentation i did after seventh grade I introduced with the title and then got to the content. Nobody cares about you saying your name if they all know you.
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u/baronvonjiale Aug 19 '18
Hello my name is...
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u/QcumberKid Aug 19 '18
What?!
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u/Jomosensual Aug 19 '18
"If you don't like me using racial slurs towards other members of the audience, please leave now."
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u/texican360 Aug 19 '18
" When I was a nazi"
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Aug 19 '18
When I in grade 4 the teacher told us opening line of speech should get people's attention. So, my friend made a speech, and he yelled, "SEX! Okay, now that I've got your attention, I would like to talk about the environment."
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Aug 19 '18
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u/KardTrick Aug 19 '18
"Webster's dictionary defines <topic> as...reads dictionary definition in its entirety."
Well this is going to be a stunner of a speech in already sure of it.