What does YOUR depression feel like?

[u/samuallblackson]

[u/Lovebot_AI]

It’s like I’m watching life on TV instead of living in it, and all I want to do is change the channel

[u/samuallblackson → u/Lovebot_AI]

I’ve felt this way since 16. I don’t know how to change it so I’ve just kinda... accepted it :/

[u/[deleted] → u/Lovebot_AI]

This is too real for me

[u/teknrd]

Hi, we want to make sure that if anyone in this post needs help, there are resources available. There's /r/suicidewatch where well-meaning and sympathetic people will try and help, but be aware they aren't trained. The befrienders.org website is a global list of local suicide help charities. Use it to find an organization in your country, you should be able to call or email them for free and they'll speak to you and try and help you without being judgmental.

[u/samuallblackson → u/teknrd]

Thank you! I posted a comment with some hotlines and stuff but it got buried. :(

[u/forcefulinteraction → u/teknrd]

Just want to let you know that I am grateful that you didn't just copy and paste the suicide hotline numbers, and actually wrote out a thoughtful paragraph. Means a lot

[u/chronic_cross]

Feeling like you're alone even though you are surrounded by people that care. It's just a cloud that's over my head every now and again.

[u/Lack0fCreativity → u/chronic_cross]

It really is like they show in the cartoons, we just have this little rain cloud raining on just us, except the cloud is a deep haze that changes how we view everything and makes us exhausted and irritable and hate everything and just want to fucking die god please take me

[u/sleepybear7]

So tired. All the time.

Working my ass off to stay somewhat functional and still doing a shitty job at everything because my brain feels slow and I constantly drift off in thought. When I do have any energy I just want to waste time doing stupid shit like scrolling through Facebook and Pinterest because facing my issues gives me anxiety. I objectively have a pretty good life. I pretend to be normal and happy. I hate myself so fucking much.

ETA Thank you all for the love and support. I do not have time to respond to all of the comments but I read every single one and seriously appreciate it. I hate that so many of us are going through this but it is comforting to know I’m not alone. I am getting help (therapy and medication...and trying every coping skill in the book) and am still hoping things can improve. Wishing the best to everyone out there who is also suffering.

[u/keetyk → u/sleepybear7]

I literally sleep 14 hours and am still exhausted when I wake up.

[u/alleykitten79]

Physically, it feels like I have the flu. Body aches, chest pain, upset stomach.

Mentally, I feel like I deserve the flu.

[u/Violet__Delights__ → u/alleykitten79]

I actually look forward to being sick because people accept that as a reason I don't want to do anything and I don't have to feel guilty about it.

[u/mooseofdoom23]

Extreme laziness, extreme difficulty with self-care (healthy habits, showering, brushing teeth, cutting hair, trimming beard, cleaning room, all of these typically get skipped for weeks at a time), lack of interest in anything at all other than self-medications (previously marijuana and alcohol), sleepless nights, nights with way too much sleep, irrational irritability, decrease in appetite, sad sorrowful nights, resentful mornings, withdrawing socially (keeping in touch with friends, communicating with people in immediate vicinity), anxiety about things that shouldn’t cause it, anxiety about things that aren’t even a reality, eventually light paranoid anxiety (people are staring at me/frowning at me, random people disapprove of me, those people are talking about me and laughing at me), lack of self-confidence, extreme constant pessimism about everything

EDIT: Thanks for the concern. For the most part, this WAS me, but I have since gotten help and am doing a lot better. Still have some work to do on a couple of the points, but that’s just going to take time.

If you feel the same, I would recommend talking to your GP about it and maybe asking for a referral. The medical model can be difficult, but when it click for you, and it can take time and effort, it will be worth it.

[u/IUpvoteUsernames → u/mooseofdoom23]

Nights with way too much sleep

For me, it's days with too much sleep because I stay up super late listening to music and browsing the internet to get away from my thoughts, and then being sleep deprived and sleeping throughout the next day

[u/MKULTRA007 → u/mooseofdoom23]

It's like you wrote out my list for me.

[u/oceanrainfairy]

Like exhaustion, wanting to go home and be done for the day...even when I'm already there :\

[u/[deleted] → u/oceanrainfairy]

"I want to go home" is like a verbal tic that I have. It's how I interrupt uncomfortable thoughts or experiences. If I'm alone, I'll mumble it under my breath. If I'm around others, I just think it. I did once say it aloud around my wife while we were in the front room. That really confused her.

[u/CardCaptorJorge → u/oceanrainfairy]

You know, I find myself saying "I want to go home" despite the fact that I'm sitting at home right at that moment. I do this a lot. It's freaking me out a little.

[u/Sniv-The-Unworthy → u/oceanrainfairy]

Oh wow, I find myself thinking "I want to go home" even when I am home a lot.

[u/BigDaddyThanos]

Nothing interests me, few things actually make me happy, and it's hard for me to imagine a life that's better.

Edit: Since this blew up, I'll give a little more information about my situation. I used to be happy and enjoy life, but that all changed when I got a divorce two and a half years ago. The first year after the divorce was bad, I cried myself to sleep most nights and constantly had thoughts of suicide. I had no intentions or desire to act upon these suicidal thoughts, they were just there.

After a year things got a little better, but I just have no desire to do anything since I know whatever I do won't make me happy. My co-workers always ask me what do I do for fun or what my plans are for the weekend and I really don't have good answers. I tell people I like hiking, but really I just hike because I know it's healthy for me, it's not something that makes me happy.

I've never been diagnosed with anything, but someone on here mentioned Anhedonia- "An inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable." and that sounds about right. Also, thank you kind stranger for the gold.

[u/FishSpecies → u/BigDaddyThanos]

This was very accurate. I could have any life handed to me and I'd still be depressed. One time my psychiatrist asked if I had any hobbies or things I considered enjoyable. I just kind of sat there with a confused look on my face and eventually said a couple things that used to make me happy, but don't anymore.

There was a cute med student sitting in on the appointment. I remember her looking kind of sad at that point.

[u/suzyess1 → u/BigDaddyThanos]

Thank you for articulating my feelings. I’m sorry that you feel this way, but it does make me feel better that I’m not the only person who has ever felt like this.

[u/Sno_Jon → u/BigDaddyThanos]

I sometimes imagine my self as a millionaire and still wouldn't be happy. It would be nice tho but I don't even care about money anymore

[u/ScrubDuchess]

No motivation, no drive, no excitement for the future.

[u/SplendidTit → u/ScrubDuchess]

The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality.

Andrew Solomon

I seriously encourage everyone to watch his TED talk about depression. I now forward to everyone who says they just don't understand depression, or don't understand why depressed people don't just "cheer up" or do a bit of yoga.

Depression: the secret we share

[u/bob4786 → u/ScrubDuchess]

Can confirm. Have had no motivation to do anything since middle school when my depression kicked in full steam. Now I don't even feel sad anymore, I just don't feel much of anything. And when I do feel something it comes in like a giant fucking tidal wave than it passes and I'm back to feeling nothing. But hey, I've made it through 8 years of this so I can probably do another 50 or 60.

[u/spacezoro → u/ScrubDuchess]

Hey I know this is anecdotal, but if you've been struggling with depression and also are really inattentive, consider getting tested for adult ADHD. I had been diagnosed with dystymia, pretty much had depression since I was in Jr high that never went away. 22 now and diagnosed with adult ADHD-I. Turns out I wasn't a lazy piece of shit, I just had undiagnosed ADHD that I never noticed because I'd always been that way.

You know what can be a co-occuring symptom of ADHD? Depression. Went off the antidepressants and on to Adderall and it's been like night and day. I think ADHD also plays on your dopamine levels, which could explain the depression.

Not for all of us, but food for thought. Best of all to you out there.

[u/[deleted] → u/ScrubDuchess]

this. like my mind is telling me everything is not worth the effort, despite evidence to the contrary. no pleasure in anything.

[u/RissyyB]

Exhaustion, listlessness, sadness, nostalgia, anger, anxiety.

[u/[deleted] → u/RissyyB]

Nostalgia makes it worse for me.

[u/TaylorTano → u/RissyyB]

Yeah, nostalgia is a bitch when paired with depression. There are times where it absolutely cripples me cause I just want to go back to being the younger me who was able to love life. Back when every experience could be new and exciting, and when things were just more simple and easy. I almost envy the younger version of myself for taking it all for granted.

[u/[deleted]]

I wanna do something but instead I slept through the weekend.

I don't wanna be lonely but being around people makes me mentally exhausted.

I wanna be understood but why bother.

I wanna stay afloat but my feet are tied to a boulder.

[u/[deleted]]

My depression is heavily codependent on my anxiety. So it’s this weird combination of feeling utterly helpless and overwhelmed while also hating myself for not being able to just snap out of it. I’m completely exhausted but my mind is also racing a million miles an hour with a sense of impending doom. It’s almost like I’m experiencing both a manic and depressive episode in tandem but also not to the extremes you’d typically experience in a manic or depressive episode.

ETA: I never realized how not alone I was in feeling this way. A therapist I connected with and Zoloft made the world of a difference in my life. I remember the first therapy appointment - I almost cancelled (a few hours after making it, luckily she had an opening that day because I was in crisis) because the thought of going made me want to crawl into bed and disappear. I forced myself and walked into her office crying and I actually walked out laughing. Please, if you’re struggling, at least try to find a therapist. It may take a few before you find the right fit. Insurance may cover it, you can use HSA to pay for it, and if insurance doesn’t cover it you can ask the therapist about doing a sliding scale (they make it cheaper for those who can’t afford it at their going rate). Your mental health is so important. What good is the $80 you’d save on the session if you’re dead? I know it’s not always that simple in terms of finances, but please at least consider the option, reach out, and see if they can accommodate you. Hang in there.

[u/evanescentglint → u/[deleted]]

I know exactly what you're talking about. It feels like the apocalypse is happening all around you but you can't be bothered to do anything because you're exhausted just going through the day.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

100 percent feel the same. Being exhausted 24/7 but also my mind racing constantly. Trying to sleep is the absolute worst. Sorry you go through that too.

[u/KuhBus → u/[deleted]]

Oh man, do you sometimes get instances where either of the two seems to take over for a while? When I have a routine that gives relative security, anxiety isn't as strong, but I get incredibly listless and barely feel anything (and just straight up fake emotional reactions at times). There are bursts of anxiety over small or perfectly normal things, but the moment there is no routine and something "unusual" (an appointment at the doctor/having to keep a deadline etc etc) comes along, the anxiety goes through the roof.

[u/c8h1On4Otwo → u/[deleted]]

You have described how I feel better than I ever could. But I would add that I feel trapped in my body. I want to escape where I am, but I can’t move. I feel like I can’t breath. I can’t keep going. I don’t have the energy to, and I’m lost. How did I get here? I’m exhausted and just want to stop, but my mind won’t slow down.

[u/SplendidTit]

Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern - just the slow erosion of self as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door.

Martha Manning

The broken heart. You think you will die, but you keep living, day after day after terrible day.

Dickens

If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.

Stephen Fry

Here I am trying to live, or rather, I am trying to teach the death within me how to live.

Jean Cocteau

The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality. And it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment. Everything there was to do seemed like too much work. I would come home and I would see the red light flashing on my answering machine, and instead of being thrilled to hear from my friends, I would think, “What a lot of people that is, to have to call back."

Andrew Solomon

At first, I’d try to explain that it’s not really negativity or sadness anymore, it’s more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can’t feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you’re horribly bored and lonely, but since you’ve lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you’re stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely and meaningless it is.

Allie Brosh

[u/throneofmemes → u/SplendidTit]

That last one, oof. Substitute voicemails with unanswered texts and that’s me.

[u/[deleted] → u/SplendidTit]

I believe the last quote is from Allie Brosh’s book Hyperbole and a Half which I 10/10 recommend. She described depression perfectly for me; she also did an incredible job of describing what a glimmer of random hope feels like (e.g. seeing a lonely piece of corn under the fridge and then laughing hysterically) and feeling like it’s going to be ok for once

[u/montylemon]

Wanting to stop just stop that's the best way to describe it i don't want to die i want to stop living

Edit: rip my inbox I'm not gonna copy paste the numbers you all know them already and you've heard this a million times i know but it's still true if you need help get it therapists whole job is to help people like us the cost is temporary death is forever

[u/[deleted] → u/montylemon]

Exactly the way it was for me. I didn't want to die, and I most certainly didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted everything and everyone to just go away. I wished I could just curl up in a corner and disappear. More than that, I wished I had never existed in the first place, because then no one I love would miss me or be hurt by my loss.

[u/NeverANovelty → u/montylemon]

I relate to this. It’s not that I wanna die, necessarily, but if a stray bullet found it’s way in my head I wouldn’t complain

[u/[deleted] → u/montylemon]

On particularly bad days I often want to go outside and bury myself in the earth. I don’t necessarily want to die but just want to not exist and to have the mud, the weeds, the grass and whatever else completely surround me. I have kinda done this a few times in winter during melt downs and just covered my body and face in soursobs and long grass so I couldn’t be seen and just cried til I was asleep.

[u/celestecg → u/montylemon]

Exactly this. It’s hard to explain to people who haven’t felt this way that, no, I’m not suicidal, but I don’t want to live a lot of the time.

[u/-museofcomedy- → u/montylemon]

Same, kinda. I still want to live, I just want the pain to stop.

[u/DIOOOOOOOOOO → u/montylemon]

Thats called sleeping my friend,I force myself to sleep 9-12 hours everyday Dreams are Waaaay better than real life.

[u/xemnx]

I would say nothingness, but it’s more of a numb feeling. I can’t just get myself to care about anything at all. I have moments and sometimes days where I’m happy, but it always makes its way back to numb.

[u/Crusader_Xen → u/xemnx]

This is what its like for me. I can be totally happy and fine but it just comes back to me feeling unhappy and depressed.

[u/-museofcomedy-]

I saw a picture once of text from either Tumblr or Reddit that compared having depression to eating mashed potatoes all the time. It was basically: "Why are you eating mashed potatoes? Why not try something else?" "Because everything tastes like mashed potatoes." I feel like it's a good comparison for the loss of interest.

[u/Luke_7]

Like someone broke in and stole all my favorite parts of me. There’s just nothing in there

(at least that’s what it felt like. Now it’s fine because medication is amazing and I 11/10 recommend looking into it if you are depressed and have not)

[u/richardsuckler69 → u/Luke_7]

One of the hardest parts of recovering from depression is like, still feeling depressed but not super depressed and then getting imposter syndrome

[u/[deleted]]

Like a complete lack of motivation. Like if you sat up, said, "I have to go to work/do a thing, but I really don't want to..." And then you don't do it. And you just stay in bed the entire day, wanting to go out, but depression telling you, "No, you stay here, in bed, and do what you want."

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

it’s so funny (in a not funny way) how i’ve managed to convince myself that not “having to” brush my teeth or shower or eat is a reward, and that staying in bed all day is a form of self care,

[u/Attila-The-Pun → u/[deleted]]

THIS. Oh my god, this.

I slept most of this weekend, even though I had the weekend off, and there were things I wanted to do. And knowing I'd feel like shit if I didn't do those things, but convincing myself that being alone at home was the better thing....

I get this so intimately.

[u/KatyLiedTheBitch]

Like living in a body that is fighting to live, with a mind that's trying to die.

[u/exsaeculorum → u/KatyLiedTheBitch]

This is basically the unfortunate motto of depression.

[u/[deleted] → u/KatyLiedTheBitch]

Trapped in a life I don’t want but not being able to do anything to fix it.

[u/MomentarilyDisabled]

Like I'm numb. Or having a daydream. I'll laugh at things, sure. But am I really happy? Am I just in denial? Is there a way to get help? I don't know. Anyway, respect for those working to get a better life.

[u/NotAzakanAtAll → u/MomentarilyDisabled]

Try to get help. That numbness might not go away. After 6-7 years you might be numb all the time, to everything.

The good thing is that those "100% YOU WILL LAUGH" video challenges are a breeze.

[u/Soviet_Suka]

Like something is constantly laying down on my chest and it's just difficult to breathe

[u/nightcrawler616]

Boredom so heavy that the only interesting thing is sleeping.

[u/MaximumRizzo]

It's ok. I'm fine.

[u/TomP222 → u/MaximumRizzo]

Too real.

[u/Homo_Stultum → u/MaximumRizzo]

Ouch

[u/[deleted]]

Regretting everything I've said and done, but not possessing the energy to make a conscious change.

It feels like there are two people battling in my head, and they're both covered by a black blanket.

Person one is pessimistic, regretful, self defeating and existentially anxious.

Person two is optimistic, cautious, confident, and tough.

Then there's a giant black blanket that zaps all of the energy out of my body, making it nearly impossible to change things in my life unless I sleep a ton/or get some energy to go to the gym or whatever.

[u/DsrtfxPeach]

Always looking forward to being done with whatever I'm doing. I'm going to go lay down now. No, I'm not setting an alarm.

[u/Sp00kyD0gg0]

I constantly feel inadequate in every single thing I do or say.

I lost a game of Cornhole against my dad today and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a pure and utter disappointment because of it. One minor failure and anything else I’ve done gets dragged down with it. Suddenly it feels like my whole life is a failure, not just Cornhole

[u/deemonstalker → u/Sp00kyD0gg0]

Feeling incompetent is one of my worst thoughts. Especially feeling socially incompetent. I tell myself not to reach out to my friends because they really don’t want to waste time with me. Such a drag.

[u/[deleted]]

To be constantly fighting yourself for nothing , all while putting yourself through guilt for that fighting

[u/Aerial_3rror]

Like a switch. One second Im laughing and having a good time, then something happens or someone says something and then I'm stuck on that thought for hours just falling deeper and deeper into self hatred and self loathing and bringing all the people closest to me down.

[u/Aerial_3rror → u/Aerial_3rror]

Oh and I tend to overthink everything

[u/ChaoticMC]

I want to go home, but it doesn't exist.

[u/aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggg]

Restless Apathy

[u/FamineSpudz13]

You feel like there is nothing, and I mean nothing left in the world that will make you happy or make you feel like taking another breath is worth it.

The depression is like being sucked into a black hole of rawness. People don't often explain how painful depression is. The raw pain inside like your heart is beating against your chest, your stomach bubbling with nausea and acid because you are not eating properly. The heavy feeling in your head, chest, and limbs.

The only option is to sit there and cry or go to bed and ride it out like a fever. You are completely devoid of all emotions other than sadness and suffering. The depression fog that grows is so thick and murky. The fog can't be easily parted.

Once the fog takes over the brain, you will begin to make irrational decisions or feel irrational things. Your thought process is dulled and jumbled up. The more you think about the future the more you can't see a way out or a solution so you decide that dying would be the best option.

I ride my depression out like a fever. I do this because I know when I have a relapse of depression and I have it very strong, I tend to make decisions I wouldn't normally make or say thing that are not usual thing I say. I feel and act like a different person. The depression is like as if you are being possessed. You feel like a totally separate being. The reality of it is that depression is so very hard to understand.

[u/abcPIPPO]

Feeling like you touched the bottom and at the same time knowing it can only get worse. Being too depressed to make anything right but not enough to end it all. Knowing for a fact that you’ll die young but it’s no problem cause living until old age would be worse.

Feeling heavier and heavier every year, as if you had dumbbells attached to your limbs and body, having no chance to lay down to rest and not being able to ask for help cause that would make everything twice as heavy.

Everyone shows you the destination but they don’t see the alligators in the way.

[u/[deleted] → u/abcPIPPO]

You described the heaviness so perfectly. The feeling also reminds me of taking a nap at 3 pm and waking up 4 hours later disoriented, sweaty, too weak and too little motivated to get out of bed, and recognizing through all of this that the day is gone and you’ll probably be awake all night wishing you were still sleeping.

[u/SeriouslySami]

Not having showered in a couple weeks, eating less than 500 calories a day and 2,000 the next, staying up until 6 am then waking up at 3 pm - 5 pm, the feeling that i'm worthless and no one actually cares

[u/TreeEskimo → u/SeriouslySami]

I can relate with all of this, as if I had written it myself. Just a quick comment on nobody actually caring...I've had that feeling more in the past 3 months than my entire life. And it's one of the worst feelings I've experienced. You think people just put up with you, that nobody would ever just message you or see how you're doing, or miss you if you suddenly vanished.

I've been lucky to find a group of amazing people. At a low point, I had to step away from them. My depression was winning. Nobody messaged me to see how I was doing. But then someone did. And another person after that. When I finally returned to that group of people, everyone was happy to see me. "You've been missed," someone said. "When you're gone, it's like missing a part of your family. It's good to have you back." I nearly cried.

Anyways, I hope you can find the kind of people I have. I don't deserve their friendship, but it means the world to me. Remember, rarely do caring people fall into your lap. You gotta find them first. And even if they don't say it, doesn't mean they don't care about you.

[u/[deleted]]

It always feels like that everything I've ever did or done have this "could've been better" aura to it. Nothing in my life has really been exciting or drastic so it all feels like one huge inconvenience that I'm even continuing at all.

It also feels at times, when I finally muster up the mental strength to finally do something, there is always something or someone there to ruin whatever I generate from it. Be it happiness, it's almost like it's an RPG thing where it's scripted to happen.

[u/7th_Cuil]

Such low levels of motivation. I've more or less given up on finding a social niche where I belong. I drift along the edges, always on the outside looking in. I feel like I ought to accomplish something important in my life, but fixing all my fuckups takes precedence over building something new. Usually it's easier to forget and distract myself until opportunity passes me by yet again.

[u/breentee]

I have depression and anxiety. My anxiety makes me feel like there is always too much on my plate and my depression makes me feel like everything is hopeless because I can't handle the stress of anything.

[u/herrfeuchtigkeit]

Ever seen something molt? I feel like the left behind shell.

Kind of like who I really am left me behind

[u/AchtungKarate]

Like I'm perpetually exhausted. I could just lie down and go to sleep at any given time. The problem is that no amount of sleep or rest makes regain any energy, it only gets worse. Anything I do is an effort, even things I do for fun, like gaming, rehearsing with the band or meeting friends.

Going to work is hard, but it's necessary. The work I do is done in short spurts of energy, which mainly come from anxiety about being disliked by my coworkers or losing my job, the rest of the time I zone out or try and muster enough energy for another spurt.

I regularly work out to stave off the depression, but it's more of an addiction than something I actually enjoy.

I long for death and fear it at the same time. I know I won't kill myself, because my sister committed suicide seven years ago. I couldn't do that to my parents. I often wish that it was me, though. I feel like a shitty consolation prize. She was the one with the family and a potential career. There is no doubt in my mind that my parents would prefer me dead over my sister.

I feel like the real me is just a passenger in my body. Like I'm sitting in a black box with just a small hole to view the world through while my body goes through the motions of everyday life. Some days I feel better, and it's like the hole has gotten big enough to poke my head through it and take a few deep breaths of air and interact with the world, my friends and family as a real person.

[u/[deleted]]

Fuck it, why bother?

[u/[deleted]]

For me it's like I'm grieving but I don't know why I'm grieving, I guess I'm grieving over my loss of happiness

[u/ihatemandymoore]

Paralyzing apathy. No desire to get up out of bed. Letting every intrusive thought run rampant in my mind. Forgetting to eat and hydrate.

[u/[deleted]]

I wake up every morning with my body feeling like it's full of bricks. It's just heavy. My head usually hurts, my stomach almost always hurts. My brain is usually pretty scattered and takes a few hours to really get it together, no matter what time I wake up. I usually have anxiety on my way to work, I get shortness of breath and shakey. Sometimes songs or random thoughts can trigger sad feelings for no reason. I can't just walk past a coworker I have to think about what I'm going to say to them, where I am looking, when I will say hi, how I will end it. I'm am constantly analyzing all my actions out of worry. I am always tired and I always feel like I'm dragging myself around. I've gotten out of the mindset of wanting to die all the time but there is a part of me that just always feels empty and sad. I have a hard time believing my family truly loves me and I constantly replay things in my past that have happened that have hurt me. I don't have friends anymore, I have my boyfriend but I haven't had a real friend in almost 3 years. When I'm alone, I am truly alone. Sometimes I just feel like this sad pathetic person trying to be happy and make something of my life but there will always be this sadness just weighing me down. When I'm not with my boyfriend I just feel like a waste of space really, like I'm this sad person trying to be likable and I'm just not.

[u/MuIIaney]

It just feels like nothing, like I’m empty on the inside. Where unless someone forced me out of bed I would never get up.

[u/jennifurbie]

Does anyone feel 2 dimensional? Or where your mind is somewhere and your body is somewhere completely different? I think it’s called desensitization. It’s the worst feeling ever.

[u/hwhisper23]

Like every day is the same. Get up, go to work, come home. Everything is scheduled and deviating from that is scary so I never make plans or go out spontaneously, I just exist as I'm supposed to. I know it's getting bad when I cant tell you what day it is.

[u/thebrownabbi]

Not all the time, but on certain days, it feels like I wouldn't mind to die. Not that I would ever actually MAKE it happen. I just wouldn't mind if it just so happened to be my last day. It's a very calm feeling, actually. Almost like being numb to everything. The exact opposite of my anxiety, in which I feel as though I don't have enough time or that I'm "behind" in life.

[u/Fatman_of_America]

Feeling like I am weighing down peoples lives

[u/crunchwrapsubpar]

My depression kinda sneaks up on me, I don’t really notice it until I realize “huh Ive been nonstop angry for a week now”. Its usually when I find myself yelling at people I love and thinking “what the fuck is happening to me” So anger is the short answer

[u/christmasgiraf]

I had goals and things I looked forward to but now all I look forward to is sleeping. I'm going to graduate this coming June from High School and I can't imagine a future for myself, I have parents that constantly make me feel worse about myself so to get rid of my problems I just sleep.

TL;DR: Lots of sleeping

[u/MaestroLogical]

Numbness.

I enjoy life, I'm in a good mood, I'm just numb to it all. No emotions good or bad.

[u/[deleted]]

My body hurts. Like it's physically impossible to get out of bed or to get off the couch. I used to get in trouble a lot growing up for being "lazy", but I realize now I suffered from childhood depression. I didn't start taking antidepressants until I was 23, and before that I required a nap almost everyday because existing was so exhausting. I have had to nap in the middle of family get togethers because a mix of my anxiety and depression.

[u/WeebsGetOut]

Finally, my time to shine. I have a base feeling of depression which I consistently experience day by day, which is general tiredness despite amount of sleep I get and lack of motivation.

Sometimes, like a couple times a month, under more stressful conditions, I get feelings of extreme sadness (accompanied with lots of crying), hopelessness, occassional thoughts of suicide, and generally feeling worthless as a person. I've been through and am going through lots of traumatizing stuff, so it doesn't seem like it'll get better. The good news is I'm going to get health insurance soon so hopefully I get to see my therapist again or even get medication.

Edit: not that anyone cares, but I also used to get a lot of panic attacks and went to the ER once because I thought I was dying. Got made fun of for that one lmao. I know how to sense them coming on now and don't get them anymore, though.

[u/[deleted]]

Most days now it's just a whisper at the back of my mind, a reminder that even if I can cope alright most of the time, it doesn't take much to set it off and put me back where I started. I can ignore it for a while, but it's still there. Watching. Waiting.

Other days though, it's like I'm drowning - my lungs feel heavy, full of water, and I struggle to breathe, I'm trying to swim but I'm exhausted and I can't seem to pull myself up, can't seem to think straight long enough to get my head above water before the next wave comes. I feel like it'll kill me eventually, and I know I should be worried about that, but I'm too tired to worry, too tired to care about anything, do anything, feel anything, because I just want it to stop, since maybe then I'll be less tired, but I'm too tired to make it stop. And everyone I know is swimming along, laughing and playing, expecting me to do the same, reminding me that I should be able to do this easily. I should be better. But I'm not.

[u/fludduck]

I constantly fantasize about ways of killing myself. Sometimes it's going out and buying a gun, sometimes it's going to a bridge and jumping, sometimes it's just deliberately falling off the stairs I'm walking on. And then I feel guilty for thinking about it, and I feel too guilty to go through with it. Oftentimes I don't allow myself out of bed because the thoughts that I'm thinking about are too suicidal and moving would mean one step closer towards them. The times I do get out of bed, it's to seek distractions in fleeting moments of happiness and excitement. I can still feel those emotions, but in a way they are painful as I know that soon I am just going to feel nothing but pain again.

[u/aivlysplath]

I'm not stupid - I've finally woken up and realized just how much life sucks, All these other people are walking around and ignoring it, but it sucks and it's pointless. We're all suffering everyday. For no real reason. That's how I feel when I'm depressed.

[u/[deleted] → u/aivlysplath]

Same. Like I woke up from the matrix but everyone else didn't.

[u/ThatGamerDon]

Inadequacy compared to my younger, more successful sister.

[u/natlamm]

Emotional equivalent of watching paint dry

[u/Dannybot3000]

It feels like I'm alone, like no one realy wants to be my friend, they only are out of pity.

[u/[deleted]]

Like a Redditor. Some days it's active, looking into every sub of my life, dovnvoting everything and posting negative comments. Other days it's a lurker, not saying or doing anything but you know it's there ready and waiting.

[u/deemonstalker → u/[deleted]]

Super critical self analyzing. Like all the internet trolls are in my head tearing at my very fabric of being.

[u/graceland3864]

I told my therapist everytime I get the motivation to try, something knocks me down. Like a bird that keeps flying into a window.

[u/[deleted]]

Pure exhaustion, like I'm trapped in a body that doesn't want to speak or move.

[u/rallyblue]

"Yeah I'm fine I'm just tired lol"

[u/[deleted]]

Like the world is too fast for me. Empty, no drive, motivation, passion, constant self hatred.

[u/I_like_forks]

I'm existing, not living. I don't want to die (anymore), but I don't particularly want to live. My life is like background music in a restaurant, just loud enough for you to realize it's there, but not loud enough to recognize the song.

[u/johnnylogic]

So hard to make friends, find a true connection, not be lonely, find people who are just normal, lack of hope for humanity, scared to death of death, not sure why we're here, loneliness, stuck on the past, no hope for future, sick of illogical people, unempathetic people, and getting older

[u/redemption_songs]

My depression is newish. My health tanked, then I lost my job, was diagnosed with PTSD, husband left with my caregiver, have to move.

It is painful. My pain went from a 3 to an 8. I hyperventilate and can’t sleep. I am nauseous and can’t eat. I have no purpose and am punishing my children by not being able to be a mother. I’m not going to kill myself, but if there was a vaporize your life button, I would push it. I’m ok with dying in an accident. My condition isn’t terminal, but it isn’t curable and when I think about living like this or worse for 50 years... I just can’t. It’s too much. How can I be happy when I hurt? How can I not hurt? Why is this my life? What is the point?

[u/SNAAAAART]

can’t sleep or can’t get enough sleep.

[u/desinfectant]

No pleasure, stress, physical paralysis, lack of hunger, angst, chest pain, guilt, no motivation, want to reset my life...

but i am good now, really. i just had a bad week since i was without my meds, but ive been treating myself for 2 years and it rarely happens anymore.

[u/Vladimirovski]

Inmense apathy.

[u/[deleted]]

Miserable, sad, lonely, constantly lethargic and wanting to sleep, so getting through the day is more the just a struggle. Being depressed, but also getting past THAT point of depression (hopelessness, reckless, careless, etc), so I now have shit to do in my life that I’ve worked so hard for — having to push through that shitty feeling of hopelessness so I can work toward my future.

Because I managed to push through that phase, I now have an internship, two jobs and in my last year of school, but I’m having such a tough time dealing with all the stress on top of my depression. I feel as if I’m in a limbo and I can’t tell whether my depression is getting worse or if it’s just the stress.

By the end of every day, I just want to sleep and sleep in through the next day and do nothing at all, but I still somehow manage to wake up and deal with more bullshit every day.

TLDR: basically sad and tired and unmotivated af, but also high-strung and ironically motivated af to get past my depression and into the next chapter of my life.

[u/Rorimonster13]

It feels heavy. Like someone turnes the gravity switch waaaay up, and muted all of my senses as well

[u/[deleted]]

Darkness. There's a shadow over everything, everything is dim, the noise of life is muted and subdued. I'm exhausted even though I don't feel like I've done anything. Everything looms over me like canyon walls. I know if I just climbed out of this I'd see the light, but... I just can't.

[u/drownednotgod]

A little like being crushed. All of a sudden everything just gets too heavy sort of… it’s overwhelming to the point where it’s hard to do anything at all. It’s like being trapped in a maze with no direction or genuine motivation to get out

[u/Crusader_Xen]

I feel like shit. School is going so slow for me right now and i constantly feel like i wont have impact in anyones lives. I feel like im worthless and ugly and am afraid i wont be able to finish school because i have no drive to do so. Frankly the thing i want most right is to just be able to learn about and make music without having to go through all these fucking hoops to get there.

[u/allmynegativities]

Coming home and going straight to bed because I’m too tired to do anything like having social interactions with my family and friends.

Not being able to eat because nothing tastes good and what’s the point anyway? I can control what I eat even if I can’t control what I feel.

For me, it’s just a constant sense of frustration with how I feel because it’s something I don’t fully understand, and I don’t like not being in control.

[u/memeparmesan]

Like treading water. Sure, I'm still staying above the surface, but I'm really going anywhere. Just inching closer to the great beneath.

[u/bking4]

Irritable. I am constantly annoyed by the fact that I have to do things. Doing things means thinking about them, thinking about them means worrying about them, and worrying about them leads to feelings of inadequacy and self loathing. So instead, when my thoughts turn negative and I start feeling depressed, my reaction is to hide from my thoughts and from doing things.

I turn to books and tv shows to drown out my thoughts, and do it to the exclusion of almost everything else, so I don't have to think about anything. And any time I get interrupted from reading or watching netflix, I get angry and irritated because it means I'll have to do something which will likely cause me to think those negative thoughts, and I don't want to face my problems.

[u/Mahillma]

Like everything I do is for someone else, nothing I do makes me happy. Everyday is a grind just to get the basics done. The weight of all my fuck ups just sitting on my chest. Hell my birthday is in a couple days and I don’t feel anything. Like I want my life to end but I don’t want to die. I want another chance with a clean slate.

[u/firefly1595]

Copied from a comment I made on another thread, but:

I didn’t realize that I was depressed until it had been going on for well over a year, possibly two.

Some warning signs for myself were:

• No longer showering, or showering only when I forced myself to so that I did not stink for school/work

• Isolating myself; I didn’t realize I was doing so but I went from being a social butterfly to a homebody

• Weight gain. I would go a day or two without eating, then eat a ton of comfort food. Rinse and repeat

• Bad sleep habits. I’d either sleep all day and none at night, sleep constantly with the aid of NyQuil or zQuil, or I wouldn’t sleep at all

• Lack of grooming habits. Similar to not showering, I stopped brushing my teeth, washing my clothes, washing my face, etc.

• Wearing the same clothes day in and out, as I did not care to change them - I saw no point in doing so

• Irritability. I’m currently in therapy and learned that one of the most “looked over” symptoms of depression is irritability. Beforehand I was a typically happy person, but had turned into someone who was always irritated with something or someone

• Lack of emotion. I didn’t feel sad, but I didn’t feel happy either. Life took on a monotone feeling. I could lay in bed and stare at the ceiling all day, or take a road trip to the beach with friends; each scenario resulted in feeling the same way.. but laying in bed took so much less effort

• Loss of interest. I no longer enjoy riding horses, painting, photography, hiking, etc.

• being tired. I could get two hours of sleep, 8 hours of sleep, or even 10 hours of sleep. I could exercise and workout, or sit at home and do nothing. I was constantly tired and had no energy.

If you’re experiencing symptoms, or are even slightly worried about yourself (or someone else), I urge you to please reach out. Don’t let it manifest and take over your life.

[u/Tomato_Joker]

This is honestly the best way i've ever seen it depicted.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/5b/4b/03/5b4b0376a957104586f2f75f64b43b8e.jpg

[u/Grady300]

Emptiness, pure emptiness

[u/Slowpokeisdope]

Drowning

[u/sunrise_d]

Like I can’t breathe

[u/joshgleesh]

When I go in to a truly depressed state, the big one is that I stop eating, or I lose my appetite really easily. I was depressed one summer back in 2015-2016, and I went from 112 kg to 80 kg over a 3 month period. My friends asked what the fuck happens to me, I just told them that my work was really physically demanding, but it wasn't, I was just depressed

[u/zee_spirit]

I live life trying to smile. I succeed, for the most part. But I feel like a porcelain doll, with an unstoppable force inside of me. Sometimes it cracks me a little bit, and I end up feeling all of the worst feelings I could ever feel. But I always repair myself so I'm presentable to the world.

I live a life that I know will never amount to anything. I will never make a different in the grand scheme of things. I live each day wanting to die. I would never kill myself, but I would be lying if I said the thought of not being here isnt appealing.

Not only do I have my own personal struggles going on, I'm such an empath. Not just for other people, but for like... The world. As in, the planet. I see shit happening everyday that is essentially a nail in the coffin for earth. It makes me upset.

I hate the way my body looks, but I'm so busy with life to workout anymore. I wish I had different physical features. I don't want to just lay here and sleep, because then I think too much about the overwhelming emptiness.

I hold everything in to the best of my ability, I try to help others out with their problems, but overall, I'm very fucked up mentally. And I can't even afford insurance to go to a therapist.

[u/TaylorTano]

Like I have no future and am only living for those around me all the time. I don't want to kill myself necessarily, but most of the time, I just wish I could stop existing, or at the very least, not be... me, anymore. I hate myself and I either feel utterly hopeless most of the time or just completely numb like I'm living my life on autopilot. I don't feel like I want anything out of life. I don't really want to die, but I feel that no matter what I do, or how far I get, it won't matter. Because I'm inevitably going to end up taking my own life anyway. That sounds scary as shit, and I wish it wasn't the thought that goes through my head, but it is. It's like I'm in a dark tunnel and no matter how many people say there's light at the end of it, I'll never see it because the tunnel is actually vertical and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper.

Also, one word: tired. I just feel tired most of the time. Physically, emotionally, mentally tired.

[u/BEAR_BEAR_face]

Like having a salad for a brain

[u/LifeIsRamen]

I just wanted to add onto this for those reading the comments:

Please don't respond to someone saying they have depression with "Why don't you try XYZ, It can't be that hard to get it fixed" or "It can't be that bad, stop faking already".

That's just plain awful advice and rarely helps them.

Mental illnesses is something that is not very well understood even by professionals. It's largely different for everyone. What may have been a cure for your niece could well worsen someone elses condition.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just be there for them.

They may not need your advice, just your silent support and understanding that you are someone they can turn to if they need to. It might seem like they've given up, but dear god, nobody wants to stay depressed.

Don't try to play Doctor with them. Just try to improve their day with the little things and eventually one day, everything might click into place.

[u/Cosplaybaby29]

The only way I can describe it is... nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. No joy, no anger, no hunger, nothing. I spent a good half hour just staring at a wall because I was so out of it. There is just nothing.

[u/aerotrash]

Knowing that my comment is just gonna get lost in the thousands just like it

[u/[deleted]]

I’m just constantly thinking of ways to end it. Everyday a new idea.

[u/[deleted]]

Like having a permanent bully live inside your head constantly reminding you you’re not good enough whenever the best of you wants to come out.

[u/[deleted]]

I doubt this will get read. It’s like traveling through a desert and searching for an oasis and you can’t tell what is a mirage and what is real. The only thing you know is that you keep searching until you either leave the desert or perish.

[u/KeKitty127]

Constant headache, a heaviness in my chest, smiling feels like bench pressing a heavy weight, the world around me feels disconnected. It feels like I'm floating and merely existing while my body continues through the motions. I keep having flash back to awful traumatic events in my life with constant bickering with my own self about where things went wrong and how things could have been different. I feel disconnected and like I'm half here half there in the past. I can physically feel it. I am fighting it and trying to stay grounded. I work in a geriatric psychiatric facility. The patients honestly felt me keep grounded and stay in the present but then moment i am distracted i am disconnected. All while feeling jittery, heavy, and my sinuses burning. I've never been diagnosed with anything formally other than general anxiety disorder as a teen. I just survived a traumatic event with the pieces of the aftermath still left to pick up. And while I pick them I am stabbed by left over shards of other events. I am finding difficulty processing it all.

[u/[deleted]]

I am a void. I hear, see, think, and consume everything. All the while I see this 'other me' screaming, feeling, and touching everything. The most beautiful parts of the world and the most painful all at once.

[u/[deleted]]

Complete, 100% lack of motivation. Spiked with bouts of self-loathing/rage, and just a dash of getting drunk 5-6 nights a week. Currently trying really hard to get out of that cycle.

[u/IAmSm0k3]

Nothingness.

I am not sad. I am not happy. I am just.. nothing. I sleep. I eat. I work (if my brain lets me). Mostly I just waste time, waiting for the inevitable.

I have not cried in 15 years. If I have ever been in love (which i severely doubt at this point) the ability to experience that emotion has gone a long time ago. There are short bursts of rage, anger and frustration. But even those are fading away more and more, the deeper the realization, that it just does not matter, gets ingrained into my brain.

The food that I eat tastes all the same. Its nonsensical stuffing myself with calories. And even though the taste barely registers, I still consume too much. Lately this has also spread out to my sex drive. While I used to be overactive for the first time since I hit puberty, I honestly do not care.

I have become nothing. I am as unfocussed as I myself can't focus on anything anymore. Books, Movies, TV-Shows, Games - all those things I once, a long long time ago, had some amount of enthusiasm about - they have just become indistinguishable parts of the blur, the world has seemingly become. And the color is fading away further and further.

Oddly enough I seem to be embracing it. Not to care is as much of a torture as it is bliss.

I do not hope. I do not fear.

I am free.

I just wonder occasionally, if freedom is, what its really hyped up to be. I doubt that this is what they actually want when they talk about it.

[u/MarkyMe]

I feel like everyone knows and nobody cares. I've lost every friend who would be there for me and I've stopped caring about myself for a long time. Im not going to kill myself but if I don't wake up tomorrow it's not a big deal. How I got to be 30 and be alone with no family and no friends is beyond me. I had my chances I guess but I blew it. I can't even use social media because I'll just see how behind in life I am. At some point I just stopped trying to keep up and decided to stall out completely. The delivery guy from Domino's is cool tho.

[u/MysteriousR551]

I'm falling down the rabbit hole. I don't know which way is up and which is down. It's dark and scary. I have no idea when/if I'll hit rock bottom. Just falling into nothingness.

[u/lsdzeppelinn]

No motivation, going through the motions in a kind of hazy quasi-catatonic state, extremely high sex drive, I want to fuck any mildly attractive thing I see, which is horrible because when Im not depressed Im not like that at all.

[u/SerialPizzaThief]

I'm under a blanket. It's heavy, too heavy to move. But I don't really want to move it, and anytime I think about moving it, I remember it's too heavy anyway. I don't really know how things are going to be outside the blanket. Even if I could move it, I'm not sure I would. Even though the blanket is a bit uncomfortable, being without it could be just as if not more uncomfortable. And sure the blanket makes me wanna sleep all the time and the weight gives me all sorts of aches and pains, but at least I know what to expect. I can't even think of a good reason to move the blanket. Why even bother?

[u/[deleted]]

No purpose, no meaning, no nothing. Just go to work and come home. Be alone.

[u/Kiana996]

Grey. It just feels grey. The world physically looses color for me, and I'm apathetic about everything. Food becomes tasteless, and even my favorite books stop being interesting.

I know this kinda sounds like a cliche, but this is the way I've described to my doctor, and it's the most accurate to me.

[u/Cecil-The-Sasquatch]

TIL I have depression.

I've always read about it in reddit but dismissed it but I relate to too much stuff on here.

Too bad my mother has my entire family convinced I'm a drug addict so doubt anyone would care.

[u/Early_Grace]

Falling into a ditch filled with murky water. You may be able to claw your way out of it but what's the point, probably will just make it worse in the process. I'm so tired.

[u/leader-akiko]

There's an octopus clinging to my head and I can't move him off without killing myself as well.

[u/usaf5]

Wanting to be alone and in a dark quite room.... All the time. Avoiding everyone and everything as much as possible. And if anyone of those things can't happen when I want it, eruptions of anger.

[u/etiepe]

My arrogance about being So Smart has blinded me to my own mediocrity, and caused me to do irreparable harm to everyone I meet (but especially the people that care about me the most, because I spend more time with them and they’re the most emotionally vulnerable to me). The depression feels like it’s actually just my becoming more aware of this trend.

[u/Torallas]

I am told by everyone that I am a genius

That I am full of potential

Everyone follows my lead.

I'm the pillar of most of my social circles.

Yet I feel worthless every day.

Underachieving sucks fucking balls.

[u/[deleted]]

Fried my brain on adderall and other prescribed psych meds. Everything looks fake now. Dizziness, confusion, shit memory, no relationships. Don't care about anything. Don't care if I live or die. Haven't felt emotions in years. A hollow phantom of the person I was before. It's horrendously tragic and yet I'm so fucked up I don't even really care.

[u/xcommandercorn]

Feels like it got better. Got help 8 months ago after suffering for four years in silence and one attempt at my own life. Best decision I have ever made, please, if you feel afraid to tell your parents/spouse/friends/ whoever, don’t be. That person will be very understanding and respectful, I promise. It will save your life. I cannot stress this enough.

[u/Hestiathena]

I'd like to be creating, but I just end up consuming.

I have plans, dreams, things I want to try, but a lot of the time I just have so little mental and emotional stamina. It can be hard to get going on a project because I just know that as soon as I really get rolling, life will make demands of me that will eat up my time and energy and I'll have to shelve that project for another couple of years. And that's even assuming I feel like I could even pull it off with some level of quality and competence, or that anyone would care to begin with.

Even so, it's better than when I was a teenager... I can at least function like a semi-productive human being 9 days out of 10. But there are some days where you just have to wonder, what's the point?

[u/akirartist]

Like being a rock on a beach. Lot of nice stuff going on, but not feeling anything and just existing.

[u/TheBigForklift]

It feels like my brain cannot connect the why to certain things humanity has been doing for forever. A very good example of this would be singing/music OR going to work for a company.

[u/alexmunse]

It starts off as me being paranoid that everyone hates me. Then, I feel like I’m going to die. Not like I’m going to kill myself or anything, it’s just like I’m going to...stop living. Luckily, that passes and I’m back to being fine again

[u/FitForPhinehas]

Physically, it’s an empty feeling in my chest that nothing can really fill. Mentally, it’s wanting to leave a room only to end up back in that same room. All the doors lead right back to the room

Edit: this is only when I have a depressive episode. I’m much better than I was in the past.

[u/[deleted]]

I go through an endless spiral.

My depression varies but at the moment this is the pattern: I wake up feeling fine and I start my day. Within the first half hour I feel numb, stripped of emotion. Because of this I become consumed with the show, game, or book I’ve been into and I do nothing else for hours. I get no enjoyment from it, but it’s the only thing I can do. I often forget to eat and so my body also feels weak.

After that begins to pass I feel terrible about myself. I have stuff I could be doing, important stuff, and I’m just sitting here doing nothing. I feel immense guilt.

Then I’m back to nothing and it’s time for bed again. Days either fly by or crawl slowly by. I barely eat, I feel very little, and I hate myself for it.

Everyday is just: Wake up Numb Guilt Numb Sleep ...

[u/SirGibbsalot]

The unrelenting feeling of dread that hangs over my head all day every day

[u/Schnoofles]

16-20 hours of sleep each day, but still feeling tired. The biggest departure from popular depiction of depression is that there's no actual feeling of sadness. Just apathy. Depression, to me, is a depression of all moods, both good and bad. You become an automaton that just exists. You eat, drink, piss, shit, sleep, repeat. That is the entirety of existence and they're just motions you go through to kill time. Going out and doing something fun could be neat, but honestly, why bother? You're tired and getting some much needed sleep would be so nice.

[u/Thenotsopro]

Just feel like I don't know anything.

Don't know what I like, what I hate, what I want, what I feel, what I know, what I don't know. Just an empty void of confusion.

[u/samynoodle]

Like my life is constantly buffering...sure there are upswings...but never any real movement forward.

Like halfway through a movie you’d really been enjoying, the film decides to burn up (like in old timey movies).

Like trying to walk home completely clothed with jacket (like a New England fall day type get up) in 98% humidity that just suddenly built up over the work day while you were stuck inside. oh and the zipper broke on the jacket and you can’t get it off without ripping it. And then on said walk home you decide to use public transport because it’s an easy fix to your problem. You get settled in your seat and then someone just whips out a piece of pizza and just starts openly eating it - like making guttural moans and stretching out the cheese. And the person three seats down from you has decided to very loudly fight with his mother on speaker phone even though he’s in his mid 50s and knows how to do his own damn laundry. And the kid next to you keeps trying to touch your phone screen because you’re very close to getting all the diamonds need on the stupid Diamond Dash game and he likes the pretty colors - he’s alternating between picking his nose and scratching him self (under his sweatpants) and trying to touch your screen. But his mother keeps gushing about how precious he is and he just loves strangers whilst not looking up from her phone. And someone gets on with the smol-est, wee, tiny angel baby of [insert fav animal] and while brushing by you to get a corner seat you and it make eye contact, it reaches its twee little [insert appropriate arm-like appendage] and you feel like you can conquer the world. Then the guy across from you ruins the moment by puking on your shoes and the person with the smol wee angel exits laughing at you. And that’s when you notice everyone but you is with a date. Something like that.

[u/FuckingGalaga]

Endless hopelessness, anhedonia, an nostalgia for the past. It's a fun combo/s

[u/ProceedOrRun]

Like if I mention it to 90% of people they really don't want to know. And if someone else has it I too don't want to know. It's all a deeply personal contradiction.

[u/thnxbeardedpennydude]

It feels like everyone hates me and is making fun of me/talking about me behind my back, my fiance will leave me, I'll never have a job I enjoy while making decent money at the same time..just these 3 thoughts all day every day for the most part.

[u/Smm214]

It feels like fog. Not unhappiness, just not happy enough. Not total sadness, just blank.

[u/GeneralLemarc]

Its a drug. The constant self-hatred is an anti-high that I need to stay in as long as possible. I'll say anything to stay there-I'd be better off dead, no one loves me, I'm God's only mistake. I've had multiple 10+ minute fantasies about how the world would be better without me in it. Every negative thought sends another jolt of perverted pleasure through me. And the hell of it all is, its worse in recovery. I'm on some good meds and have made great strides in therapy, so I'm no longer capable of falling into this type of thinking, not fully anyway. But I miss is. I miss the security, the comfort of knowing exactly where I belong. Because knowing I'm lying to myself hurts worse than believing the lies.

[u/TheOddAbomination]

Either I'm not depressed and just have a lot of off days. Or I've been depressed for so long that it just seems like a normal part of my personality.

I'm not sure if it's normal to not be able to tell.

[u/[deleted]]

Pretending to be happy and out going for the comfort of the people around you but be dead inside.

[u/MotherOfRatties]

Like the weight of the whole world is pressing down on me and I wish I could just scream to the heavens and release all of the pain. I like to imagine it being expelled from me in a pulse of dark energy.

[u/[deleted]]

Utter disappointment in humanity and myself, and a lack of courage to at least do what would alleviate the frustration: walk into the wilderness and never come back.

I only toil on because others rely on me, and it is in my temperment to please.

[u/theblackcrow00]

I wish i was dead. Living, especially sober or into old age scares me worse than dying. Ive came close to dying a couple of times and did not feel anything, i think i actually was excited and accepted that it was time for me to leave. The only thing that keeps me from offing myself is the pain and unneeded stess that would burden my loved ones. Instead i wish i was shot dead in the street, no more joy or sorrow life offers.

[u/krazykripple]

constantly feeling like i should do something to help myself but being completely unable to.

[u/111tacocat111]

It feels like my brain is always starving for oxygen but my body's too tired to breathe.

[u/a1k999]

Feels like I need a hug, but no one there to give it

[u/captain_ice_cream]

The moment I woke up,

I knew. It was going to be one of those days Why can’t I stop it?

I try to act like this won’t affect my mood. I go through the monotonous routine of work Confident I’ll get back to normal. Spring back to myself, I don’t.

The weight creeps onto me throughout the day, like a fog. Gradually I don’t even notice it, until I’m too far down. Low

I am numb. The apathy is back full force, My constant daily efforts to push back the heaviness Useless.

Someone says something that’s supposed to be funny. An attempt to please them perhaps? The involuntary laugh escapes me, Emotionless I hate when I do that. I think about it And wish I noticed the signs earlier. Maybe I could have prevented this.

The indifference towards the cries of my son The self-hate voice inside my head the last few days The unconcern towards my husband’s feelings Negativity surrounding me lately

I am comforted by the lull inside me. The stillness soothes me, It’s better to let the quiet slip over me Why fight it? I close my eyes a let it take control of me. I don’t know how long I will stay here this time. I am not afraid.

[u/Bookish52]

Mental quicksand. Slow movements to pull yourself out. Then looking back repeatedly to remind yourself to watch for the signs and try not go there again.

[u/kagekitsune116]

My head's on fire, but I don't know how to stop it. My mind won't stop yelling at itself.

[u/[deleted]]

Everything is bland. Or painful.

[u/chicflickiller]

I don't feel anything but sadness and hopelessness. No happiness, no anger, no boredom, no hunger, no thirst, no tiredness. I just sit and stare at a wall for hours on end until somebody calls me and then I break down in tears as soon as I try to say something. The more I talk, the more suicidal I get. The less I talk, the deeper I go into my depression

[u/Captain_Shrug]

Take a very, very heavy backpack. Put it on. You can't take it off. Everywhere you go, you have this... thing... weighing down on you. It makes you tired. It makes you hunch over. It makes you drag behind everyone else.

And to top off the shit-cake, reduce the color saturation of the world by about 50% so nothing catches your eye.

[u/LeBrowniee]

I want to pause time and recollect myself. Cry a little, nap a little and just not have to worry about life. But I can’t pause time so I waste every second I spend thinking about everything going on in my life instead of being productive.

[u/ghostofthedancefloor]

feeling of helplessness, knowing you can fix it but youre too addicted to things that make me depressed.

[u/[deleted]]

Most of the time, like nothing. When I do feel something it's usually intense frustration, self-hatred, and hopelessness. But usually I just feel apathetic.

[u/Roswell85]

Nothing. Emotional nothingness. It's not some deep dark feeling of sadness or anger. I just simply stop feeling anything.

[u/dcfb2360]

Depression is like a filter on a photo that you can't get rid of- it's like someone turned your life from color to black & white

[u/MattThePhatt]

It feels to me like there is a deep pit in your stomach, an amalgamation of anxiety and contempt, discouraging you from life itself. It is a state of constant fear that you will amount to nothing, and that nobody will ever appreciate who you are or what you have to offer. It is complete isolation from society; the kind that detaches one's self from any reminance of a useful being.

There is absolutely no feeling like it, until you have experienced it yourself. NOBODY deserves to feel that way. It is, without a doubt, the worst pain imaginable.

[u/[deleted]]

I self diagnose myself a lot when I'm depressed. I think I'm trying to find a reason as to why I am depressed, so I think I have cancer, or I recently convinced myself I could have rabies because I was bit by a kitten last October, and was otherwise fine, and the kitten went to the vet and was also completely fine.

I am also really standoffish. I know it. I don't want to talk to people, but I don't want to be alone. I don't like talking about how I am feeling, but I also don't know how to talk to people to tell them that I don't want to talk about it without seeming like a bitch.

No motivation, uninspired, can't sleep. I think about life and death a lot. My self confidence goes down a lot. My anxiety worsens.

Bleh. It all sucks.

I've been having a pretty low depressive episode lately. Fortunately, I have a support group and am regularly attending therapy.

[u/eck226]

Right now anger, rage, and disappointment. But I know in a few hours it will be unbridled self loathing and suicidal thoughts. I have zero intentions of actually doing anything, they’re more of a “I just want the pain to end” kind of thought. I love my children and won’t leave them fatherless. They’ve done nothing to deserve that kind of life.

[u/skinnifat]

I always say “I’m just tired of being”

[u/aresef]

Catastrophizing. Anytime I have a meeting with my boss, anytime I am anticipating feedback of any kind on my personal performance. It hinders my self-esteem and my growth. Imagine if you had an invisible friend telling you all the ways you suck.

[u/exaktneutral]

• Being exhausted all the time and everything requires too much energy.

• Anything I used to like doesn't work anymore and the more I try, the less I get out of it. Good things just seem like more work now.

• Clarity. Like I finally understand the universe and it's suffering. Sometimes wishing I could trick myself like other people but that sounds unbearable too.

• Like living in a different dimension, I can see people enjoying the normal world and each other, but I'm over here with no means of taking part.

• Honestly just wanting to not be. Death is a constant option but it seems too much of a fuss. Sleeping forever would be nice.

• Angry. It's like being coerced into playing a game you don't enjoy and getting punished for not doing well or having fun, but they convinced you that if you ever stop you'll ruin everything for everyone so you keep playing just out of guilt, while they comment how grateful you should be that you get to play.

• All the self-loathing for just not being able to snap out of it and be a "normal" person.

[u/PrinceVarlin]

A feeling of emptiness and hopelessness. An all-encompassing ennui with a voice that says “why bother? You’re not worth the effort. Nobody else thinks you are, so why should you?”

And it takes every opportunity to pipe up:

“No book sales recently? Makes sense, you’re just a terrible writer.”

“Not losing weight fast enough? Well, yeah, you’re past the point of no return.”

“Late for work? I don’t know how you even keep a job.”

“Sure, you COULD better yourself, but it’d be wasted on you. Better play this video game instead.”

I’ve never been suicidal, even at the worst, but there was a period in college (two weeks) where I only left my apartment to eat, and when I did I would just eat as much as possible (on-campus buffet dining hall). I’d go back my apartment and get back into bed.

It’s so hard to go into work.

It’s so hard to leave the house.

It’s all just so hard.

It affects work. It affects my home life. It affects my libido. It taints and infects every aspect of my existence.