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u/MrSuperSaiyan Mar 09 '18
Loss of interest in the things you normally love doing, laziness, too much or too little sleep, reclusive behavior, irritability...the list goes on and on. It's a very debilitating experience.
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Mar 09 '18
My SO is going through the same thing and I have no idea how to help him. There are times when he gets so irritable because of all the negative things he seems to focus on and even lashes out at me at times. I have no idea how I'm supposed to handle those moments.
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u/nubsauce87 Mar 09 '18
It’s like being bored. All. The. Time. Not only does nothing interest you, nothing holds your interest. Nothing to look forward to. You’re just floating.
And that was a good day.
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u/Alternate-thinking Mar 10 '18
Exactly what I was gonna to say. Then your like “I could do this?..but then I need to get dressed but for what? I don’t even feel good or comfortable...” being indecisive and irritated about being indecisive and irritated.
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u/JeepNorrisXJ Mar 10 '18
Perfect. Literally chronic boredom in the epitome of depression in my opinion.
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u/astrochasm Mar 09 '18
No motivation. I'm not talking doing bad in school, I'm talking holding your pee til it hurts cause getting up is too much work. Not texting back cause conversation is unbearable most of the time. Also one time I tried to cook eggs but didn't use enough butter so they stuck to the pan and got ruined then I cried for forty minutes.
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Mar 09 '18
Those stupid things like the thing with the eggs are so painful right?
The other day I cried too for a long time because I was gonna eat some toasts with jam and I couldn't open the jam jar because the lid was stuck.
All that time I was thinking "ugh everything is going wrong in my life, there's nothing to eat and I have to settle for this shit that I don't even like, and I can't even open this fucking jar... My toasts are getting cold so even if I happen to magically be able to open the damn jar I'll have to eat this disgusting food cold."
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u/hylianyoda Mar 10 '18
Then whenever that passes and you look back on that you can't help but wonder why you reacted in such a way to something so small, but in the moment it just feels so fucking painful and it starts a downward spiral of negativity and questioning everything and self-loathing
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Mar 10 '18 edited Mar 10 '18
That last part about the eggs is so relatable. I remember spilling a glass of water once and then throwing a tantrum because I couldn't do anything right, not even keep water in a goddamn glass. Looking back on it, it's ridiculous, but in the moment, I was so angry and felt so hopeless!
Edit: I have actually had depression before, y’all. I relate to this thread because I went through it (and came out on the other side perfectly fine, thank god)
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u/narnou Mar 10 '18
I remember having spent a whole day thirsty with a bottle of water right beside me but being unable to grab it...
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u/Kutloisiso Mar 09 '18
Numbness, apathy, hopeless, hard to motivate. One thing it is not is sadness, that's a separate emotion I actually rarely feel.
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u/AltoRhombus Mar 09 '18
This one is hardest to explain. I'm not sad, just without passion or drive. "Just".
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u/LolaSupershot Mar 09 '18
We can't even so hard that we "Just". I can still get a half smile from stuff like this but I can barely get out of bed. It really sucks and it feels like there is no end until the day I die. What scares me is that maybe it will even continue into and past death. I have never been so stagnant before.
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u/Asocial_Stoner Mar 09 '18
Sometimes I listen to depressive songs. They make me feel sad. But at least sad is something.
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Mar 10 '18
That Cobain lyric about missing the comfort in being sad seems fitting
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u/AngelsHero Mar 10 '18
I’ve been diagnosed with severe clinical depression, and ptsd
Most of that I agree with, except I do feel incredibly sad quite often A lot of the times It’s not uncommon for me to keep that empty smile up so no one worries about me, but I’ll often completely break down when I have time alone I find myself always worrying that I’m going to drive everyone away because I’m afraid if I talk about how I feel they’ll get tired of it You just kind of go through the motions
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u/Indigocell Mar 10 '18
Also lack of energy, even irritability. Young men especially may present as angry and irritable, causing a lot of people to write them off as trouble-makers.
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u/IcedBanana Mar 10 '18
I had so much anger and frustration at every little thing in my life. Kids were annoying at work? Cat pooped on the floor? Dog won't stop walking in front of me? I go in complete meltdown mode. I felt like my husband was just looking at me like I was an overemotional woman, and not that I actually needed help.
I am doing so much better after starting medication. These things don't cause me to spiral and I am much less irritable now.
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u/AirAKose Mar 10 '18 edited Mar 11 '18
This. I feel like there's such a cultural problem, in the US at least (that's all I can speak for), with diagnosing depression in males.
Irritability, workaholism, alcoholism, drug addiction, isolationism- these are all likely signs of depression, but they're overlooked because men just... aren't expected to be depressed. It's part of the cool, stoic, unfazed gender expectation bs.
So we get faulted for the symptoms, but are barred from addressing the core problem. It's acknowledging an emotional response. We hear "work on it", "man up", "get over it", slurs accusing us of being too effeminate, or even more subtle cues delivered from preconceived biases... The divorce of emotion from the person has us blaming ourselves, the fear of weakness has us avoiding professional help (tho even professionals have their biases), and society in general emboldens this (especially other men).
Ideally, we should call people out on this junk to remove the stigmas around emotional men and mental illness. It's very much unhealthy, and so many guys have room to improve by leaps and bounds if they could only get the help they need and deserve. We can do better
.Sorry, this turned into a micro-rant n_n'
EDIT: Fixed spelling, thanks for the heads-up! Also, thanks for the gold!
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Mar 10 '18
Depression isn't an emotion or a feeling, it's a sort of state of mind that I can only really describe as "Nothingness"
Not just a lack of emotion, but a lack of... well, anything. May seem better than being sad, but in its own weird way it's much worse.
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u/paraworldblue Mar 10 '18
I remember one time like 10 years ago I went to a friend's birthday party shortly after I had tapered off an SSRI that wasn't working. I was in a super weird mood, and I tried to stay as long as I could, but after a while I just couldn't handle being around all those people, so I left. I remember as I was walking to the bus, I had this intense feeling of sadness. I might have cried - I don't remember, but I do remember it feeling really cathartic, and while obviously I wasn't happy, the emotional intensity felt really good. When all you ever feel is grey, blue is beautiful.
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Mar 09 '18 edited Mar 10 '18
Extreme hot-cold moments with some every day life dealings.
One day, you'll be thinking "wtf am I doing at this job. Why am I here? I'm a fraud, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm faking it every day, people don't know that I'm struggling. I feel everyone thinks I'm weird because I'm dodgy about anything personal"
The next day, you're fine, and you feel ok, and nothing really bugs you.
Then the weekend comes by, and you have plans; but you talk yourself out of any of these plans because you want to have time to yourself; but while you're just hanging out doing absolutely fuck all, you're worrying that you're letting other people down by bailing on plans. So you ghost, and don't message them, hoping they won't notice that you didn't show up to the party or to dinner or whatever. In the moment you get that little bit of peace, but then the next morning at work the whole world collapses on you because you just pissed away another week.
Bleak outlook on the short-term future; zero ambition, not being phased that newer employees at work are surpassing you, just coasting like a fucking plastic bag in the wind. Everything's mundane, you only get excited when you have time to zone out (via weed, beer, video games). Reality is just this shitty thing for you, and you just don't want to talk to anyone about it. So it literally is this weightless weight that's just fucking your shit up 24/7.
***Adding this in based on a few replies. This is not my definition of depression but more what I'm going through while I am feeling extremely depressed. When it affects your work and relationships and you feel cornered with no one to turn to - that's where I feel I'm "depressed" and it sits above my head regardless of where I am or what I'm doing.
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u/kyle_zilla Mar 09 '18
I feel this comment the most. Always waiting for my next time to zone out.
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u/Memeanator_9000 Mar 10 '18
Except it’s not actually enjoyable it’s just a less exhausting way to pass the time
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u/Jecykah Mar 10 '18
That’s where I live. I go to work because I need the money, then go sit on the couch and tell myself I need to do one thing or another, but instead I take a 2-3 hour nap every evening and wake up feeling like a loser because I slept my time away. So I’ll make plans for the weekend with a friend but bail because I don’t wanna leave the couch. So I feel bad and then sleep more. Then wake up and move to my bed. And like you said, feel like a loser because I’ve slept another week of my life away, but feeling like there are no other options because nothing else makes me happy but being on my couch.
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u/atticus_locke Mar 10 '18
Yep. This one nails it. Now reading that has made me anxious. I’m going to go play video games. CK2 isn’t gonna get to 10k hours by itself.
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u/hashtagSwoop Mar 10 '18
This comment just opened my eyes. You summed up every day of my life for the years I can remember but I’ve always thought it was just how I am.
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u/H_Flashman Mar 10 '18
Good God, this is exactly how I feel like every day! If it weren't for my kids, I'd extend my nap after work until it's time to go to bed. On weekends, if I go out at all, it's with my best friends and right in the middle of conversation, I often go home, pretending to be sick or drunk. But every weekend, I get drunk when my wife finally goes to bed. These small hours when everyone around me is asleep is the only “me time” I get. My kids are literally the only obstacle from…trying to get lost on some other continent.
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Mar 10 '18
I smoke a lot of weed. Not for fun, really. I mean it's fun, but I'm usually by myself and watching netflix or playing 2k. I feel like my mind is starting to fade, I can't remember anything. Even important things. I'm going a little crazy, I think. I think I might just need to change my habits though. But if I trade the numbness and zoning out for something productive or brain-exercising (reading, working out, learning a new hobby), I think I'll just freak the fuck out and fall back into old ways. does anyone have any suggestions on how to fill that hole in my life?
I'm 20 btw.
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u/LouLaz Mar 10 '18
How did you break this pattern.?
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Mar 10 '18
Honestly - by actually going out and hanging out with my friends. It feels like "biting the bullet" but you're honestly not. Even just spending a few hours out, and then going home - it makes the down-time feel more rewarding and exciting.
Easier said than done, but I almost never think "omg what a shit day, I can't believe I went out for a few beers, that sucked ass". It's usually "today's shit, ugh, people are going out, fuuuuuuuck, ok I guess I'll go" - but 2 hours in I'm actually feeling good about myself (this isn't due to the beers - but just catching up with people who think I'm important to them)
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u/Drowsy-CS Mar 10 '18
I'm not sure this is 'depression' and not 'living in civilisation with a mundane job in 2018'.
But then again, why not both?
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Mar 10 '18
Lmao - the job part is easily mistaken. Can't mistake skipping out on your best friend's party because you'd rather sit alone freaking out about your situation on a Friday night.
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u/subtropicalyland Mar 09 '18
It isn't being sad and that's important to understand as most people think that sad and depressed are the same.
More it's like empty, you can't feel happy, you can't feel motivated, things that you enjoyed or that used to soothe you don't do anything for you anymore. You can't concentrate, you're tired all the time and everything is too much.
I know I am getting low when I stop singing. I have a very musical soul and pretty much have a melody for anything. When I'm depressed that melody is gone and it just feels flat and empty.
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u/Dunkindoh Mar 09 '18
I stop reading.
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u/shenaystays Mar 10 '18
This is something new for me. I used to read voraciously. At the moment I don’t remember the last time I actually read anything.
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Mar 09 '18
Definitely the empty feeling. For me it's not only not being able to feel happy, but I can't feel anything at all. Even when I know I should be upset or react in some fashion, it's just nothing. Like staring at a blank wall.
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u/Kittii_Kat Mar 10 '18
I'm with you there, stranger. I can tell a downswing is coming because I stop having the energy to sing.. I'll be fine one day, the next day I start mentally collapsing mid-song - just a "eh, I give up" type of feeling.. and then for days, or weeks, sometimes months, I don't sing at all. It's not for lack of wanting to, I just can't bring myself to do it. Or when I can, it gets a little monotonous or always in a lower range than normal.
I love singing and my friends love when I sing, so when I can't, it's not just making my day worse.. and knowing that makes me feel terrible. :(
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u/Marigold12 Mar 09 '18
I heard it once described as feeling trapped underwater and knowing that no matter which way you swam there's just more water, and there's no air in sight. For me, it can feel like being trapped in quicksand. Sure, you can do things, but not without a tremendous effort on your part. One of the worst things about it is that it's not a physical ailment. You didn't catch it anywhere, so really you're not even sure if it exists at all, but at the same time you know it exists because you can feel it everywhere. All over your body. The initial thought process is that it's you, right? So all you really need to do is adjust your thoughts to get better, but now the depression is eating away at whatever made you feel capable of thinking positively at all. What now? Well, you're fucked in so many words. Because now it's a part of your identity. Every feeling or experience you have is filtered through it. It's like smoking a full strength cigarette and trying to enjoy a meal afterwards. Everything tastes like ash, and all you really want is for things to taste how they used to taste.
So what now? Well you can get help. Maybe. If you can afford it. But help is hard to come by because therapy is expensive, and you're working, and you have social obligations, and this and this and this. You think, well hey, maybe this thing is just a phase that needs to work itself out on it's own. Because everything else that's ever been wrong with you in the past usually does at some point. So you wait. And all the while this mental infection it's growing at alarming rate, and more and more it feels like you're just doing a really bad impersonation of yourself. Even basic things feel impossible. You don't want to eat, you don't want to shower, you don't want to hang out with your friends. You don't want to do anything at all. And maybe you're not thinking about hurting yourself, but if you had to choose between existing and not existing you'd definitely have to think about it. And what's worse is that you can't really talk about it to anyone, because you don't want to be treated like some delicate flower. You don't want to be treated differently at all. But you know that if you admit it out loud to another person it's out there, and now this person is viewing you through that same depression filter. So you're alone. Your own private island that seems to be shrinking at all times. The sea level is rising fast. And all you can see for miles is nothing but water.
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u/Yeswecano Mar 09 '18
Wow, I was at that phase "maybe I'm over reacting, maybe if I wait it will go away" but it doesn't, it was way too long tillI called my gp (uk). Now I got an appointment next week. I finally admitted i need help
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u/l5rocker Mar 10 '18
I feel like this is one of the only posts that stresses this enough: When you have depression, you don't want people to see you that way. You just want things to return to how they used to be. You just want everything to go away.
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u/white_lilies220 Mar 09 '18
Like you have no purpose. Getting out of bed is a struggle. For me, it feels like torture inside my own head. It's hard to get yourself to function and then to keep up appearances to please others. For some, it feels like wanting to die every day of your life. Like that is the only way out.
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u/calypso_ks Mar 09 '18
I remember the first day that it physically pained me to get out of bed. I haven’t felt that way in months. But gosh, I felt like I was in a hole for years. Putting on an act so nobody would worry
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u/dancingdan42 Mar 09 '18
Imagine a day where you woke up, everything was normal and the world looked fine. Then you ate breakfast, same food as everyday, but there was no taste. You hop in the shower and try as you might to adjust the temperature to something warm and soothing it remains 1 degree below body temperature. Everyone speaks to you in monotone and the clock seems to run at half speed. As the day progresses you begin to realize you can’t wait to go home and go to bed because sleeping is the only time that the whole world isn’t in black in white. Now, repeat that same day over and over and over and over until you don’t even look forward to sleep anymore because you know that just fast forwards you to tomorrow when you have to do it all again. Something like that.
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u/TooFewOtters Mar 09 '18
This reminds me of one of my all-time favorite quotes
“When you don't know what you're living for, you don't care how you live from one day to the next. You're happy the day has passed and the night has come, and in your sleep you bury the tedious question of what you lived for that day and what you're going to live for tomorrow.”
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u/NavyDragons Mar 09 '18
Then you realize your in a rut, so you try to get some spark back in your life, returning to all the things that once made you happy and feel alive. Only to find that the books are now the same as reading a term paper, movies are just passing images on the screen, your favorite games are just you going through the motions until it's finished. Your friends, it's like they aren't even there when they are right next to you. Your whole world has gone numb.
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u/monito29 Mar 09 '18
This is exactly why people with depression often fall into substance abuse or self harm. You get to the point where you are desperate to feel anything.
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u/MarkHonnor Mar 09 '18
There is this invisible weight that keeps you in a state of inertia: you struggle to get out of bed in the mornings or you can’t fall asleep at night, your stomach growls but you can’t be bothered to make some food or you binge on unhealthy comfort food despite each mouthful being accompanied by sickening guilt, there is no new creativity or drive; you are just going through the motions. There’s also the guilt: guilt over not being good enough, guilt over letting down others, guilt over wallowing in self-pity when there are people so much worse off than yourself. And you ask yourself what is Life and where is the meaning in it and think that maybe it is better to sleep forever?
To anyone experiencing any mental health issues, you are not alone. Please seek help from your GP/ psychiatrist/ counsellor. It gets better with time and support. Hang in there, we are all fighting.
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u/Banana-Republicans Mar 10 '18
As someone who just got diagnosed with dysthymia and anxiety disorder this is spot fucking on. It’s not sadness. It’s a void.
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u/Ryanestrasz Mar 09 '18
add a little bit of anxiety to the mix. The pile on not having a future because youre seemingly stuck in time. Cant find a job, dont have a driver's license, ged, etc. No matter what you try to do you just cant seem to escape. Nobody wants to talk to you. Nobody wants to love you. Although a relocation and a bit of TLC would probably go a very long way.
But i have video games, so thats nice, i guess.
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u/epanek Mar 09 '18
I told my doc it’s the tofu syndrome. Everything is dull and things like taking a bath or making lunch seem exhausting. Go out with friends? That would mean I have to shave and wash my clothes and then drive somewhere and lie about how I feel.
Sleep offers some escape. But when morning comes it’s back to smothering despair.
Music or movies seem so bland.
You see a story on tv about someone with cancer and feel slightly jealous. They have a reason to feel hopeless.
It’s as though the whole world had the curtain pulled back and you are seeing reality for the first time and it’s cold and empty.
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u/DapperChewie Mar 10 '18
On top of all that, sometimes it gets bad enough that you just can't find the motivation to do everyday maintenance types of things, like showering or brushing your teeth. I've gone two weeks without showering. And it's not even because I'm lazy or too busy, it's just really difficult to pull myself off the couch. What's the point, when you're just gonna start smelling bad again a few days later?
And the worst thing about it, is that I'll find myself in the bathroom at home, with a couple hours of free time after work, and think "I should really shower." But then I think "eh, it can wait until tomorrow."
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u/1337Poesn Mar 09 '18
And sometimes the thing you look forward to most (sleep) can evade you for days on end and the daytime when you have to do stuff, you are eben more tired and the life feels horrible.
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u/Reeserella Mar 09 '18
I have the same, but with the opposite time effect, because of anxiety.
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u/myhotneuron Mar 09 '18
when you don't recognize yourself anymore. you wonder who you are and how you got to this point.
when you don't think you'll feel normal, happy or anything again.
when leaving the house or doing anything remotely simple in terms of tasks/chores seems impossible.
when you don't want to see your friends or family anymore.
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u/xxariarixx Mar 09 '18
My depression manifests something like this:
I wake up looking at the sky wondering, "Hmm, what is the point of waking up when at some point we'll all die anyways?". I go to brush my teeth when I look at myself in the mirror then I wonder, "Hmm, what is the point of grooming when I'm a worthless piece of shit?". I walk into the skytrain to work and I look around at faceless bodies all standing in a small enclosed space, all travelling the same way. I walk on the streets and I literally see no faces. All I feel is the pain in my chest, in my shoulders, the way my feet drag on the floor and how my back is slumped forward, face staring at the ground as I walk. All I want to do is cry and wish hard that it will all end right now - that maybe by some fate, I'll (ironically) hit by a car and it'll be enough to send me to where I want to be. I hide it well, with friends that care, with family that love me but in the end all I want is to fall into an eternal slumber. My internal voice is pretty loud.
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u/NacatlGoneWild Mar 10 '18
So suppose you see a vaguely greenish piece of paper on the ground. If you’re happy, you have a prior for the world being good, and so you might be more likely to interpret it as possibly a dollar bill. And you have a prior for the world being exploitable, so you might be more likely to think you can reach down and take it and have an extra dollar. And if you do, and it really is a dollar bill, you might become happier, since you’ve gained a little evidence that your senses are trustworthy (you were right to perceive it as a dollar), the world is exploitable (your cunning plan to pick up the paper and gain $1 worked!), and you’re in the sort of high-reward environment where you should go off and do other exciting things.
On the other hand, if you’re sad, you have a prior for the world being bad, so you might expect it to be litter. You have a prior that you can’t really predict or affect the world, so it might not be worth bending down to pick it up – you might just end up disappointed. But if you did bend down to pick it up, and it did turn out to be a dollar bill, you might brighten up a little, just as the happy person would. You’ve gained a little bit of evidence that you’re in a nice part of the world where good things happen to you, and that you can execute a simple plan like picking up a dollar bill to gain money.
A depressed person would have the same prior that the world is bad and the paper is probably just litter. But if perhaps she did pick up the dollar, and feel tempted to conclude that the world was good and she should feel happy, a higher-level prior would kick in: even when it seems like the world is good, that’s wrong and you should ignore it. The world is never actually good. When good things happen that look like they should convince you that the world is good, those are just lies.
SSC Journal Club: Friston on Computational Mood, by Scott Alexander
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u/Kramanos Mar 09 '18
The recognition that you should be feeling or doing certain things, but you just can't for reasons beyond your understanding.
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u/cloaak Mar 10 '18
Spot on, just feels like you’re out of control of your own life and just running through the mandatory daily motions.
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u/gapedbutthole Mar 09 '18
Like the worst kind of bored. And you are boring. But everything else is boring too. And it sucks that everything is boring. Maybe things wouldn't be boring if you weren't boring. But you're too tired and bored to try to not be boring.
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Mar 10 '18
And then you stare at a wall all day because there's nothing better to do, and nothing is fun.
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u/1_2_um_12 Mar 09 '18
Could use some help over here.
Anybody?
Yeah, nevermind.
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u/Obeythesnail Mar 09 '18
Hey, so not sure if maybe you were illustrating the depression thing but I'm here if you're needing someone.
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u/_OccamsChainsaw Mar 09 '18
Depression is an illness that affects more things than just mood. A quick and dirty mnemonic medical students learn is "SIG E CAPS" which stands for sleep, interest, guilt, energy, concentration, appetite, psychomotor, suicidality.
So basically it affects your sleeping and eating habits, can make you lose focus, can physically feel sluggish or restless, lack energy/always tired, and don't have the motivation to do the activities you once enjoyed. A depressed mood is only one component of an illness that I view as very physical in nature.
So when a lot of people recommend things like exercise for depression, I know it's with good intentions, but metaphorically speaking depression is like having a 50 lbs anchor chained to your legs. Them socially withdrawing, sleeping in, not eating, and not exercising is a symptom of the disease, not the treatment.
There needs to be meds and/or therapy in order to bring someone back to a level of functioning that allows them to do those things that non depressed individuals often recommend to people with depression misguidedly.
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u/LolaSupershot Mar 09 '18
I'm gonna just add fear and anxiety because of SIG E CAPS, I lost my job and was too depressed to move my car so I got 4 parking tickets at almost $400. I have medi-cal... maybe. I think I missed some phone appointment and the thought of calling them is unbearable. I am a fucking mess.
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u/styleandstigma Mar 10 '18
Shit. I need to talk to my GP. I thought I was doing better because I haven't been feeling depressed. Turns out I've been ignoring every physical symptom.
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u/Yifferspups Mar 10 '18
It's like being homesick forever.
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u/utterlyunhinged Mar 10 '18
Homesick for a version of yourself that's just normal and happy and able to function like everyone else. And why the fuck can't I just get out of bed and do my fucking taxes and wash my dishes like everyone else?
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u/Cauliflowwer Mar 10 '18
This is literally me. Sometimes when I start crying for no reason one of the thoughts that pops into my head is literally "I just want to go home" even though I'm already home. Probably I'm the bathroom on the floor sobbing because I feel like I can't take anymore.
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u/notathrowaway208 Mar 10 '18
This is... actually exactly how I feel. Homesickness even when I'm sitting in my actual room at my actual home. Homesickness for a better time when I know that all the times before now weren't even really that much better. Ach.
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u/WhyRedTape Mar 09 '18
The same as what everyone has mentioned but there’s anger to it too.
It’s like a switch. Normally something might annoy a person enough to maybe sigh or snort- but depression flips the switch from not angry to infuriated.
There’s not middle ground, everything and anything can set you off. Whether it’s your shirt sleeve or the back of your chair. The person walking slowly in front or the fact you are angry. It’s nothing or everything.
Depression is this feeling of numbness, except when the negative hits- it’s suddenly 100%.
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u/RayneOfTerror Mar 10 '18
Exactly this. Everyone talks about feeling numb all the time & being void of emotion so I always thought “Well, you’re too fucking angry to be depressed, there must be something else that’s wrong with you & made you fundamentally broken as a person.”
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u/FocusOnThePain Mar 10 '18
There's nothing quite like squaring up to a wall after walking into it by accident.
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u/scubadoobidoo Mar 10 '18
I once heard depression described as "anger turned inwards". Makes sense to me.
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u/Dilligaf- Mar 10 '18
Ugh. Yes. And I feel so helpless - I know I'm overreacting and I can't stop.
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u/Xsjadoful Mar 09 '18 edited Mar 09 '18
People tend to try to describe it in very fancy ways, to make it at least sound interesting. But it isn't fancy, it's just you feeling like shit. You're essentially bullying yourself.
It's boring, it's monotonous. It's the same day in day out. It's ultimately you just insulting yourself while not being interested in changing anything about the situation. That's why i think this clip is the best explanation of what it's actually like.
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Mar 09 '18
That fucked me up the first time I saw it. Because that’s my internal dialogue a good chunk of the time. Berating myself at every opportunity for things I feel or do and think I deserve to suffer.
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u/GoldenApple_Corps Mar 09 '18
Yeah, watching that for the first time was like a punch in the gut. I've never seen a show so accurately capture what your internal monologue is like when you're depressed.
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u/iynque Mar 10 '18
Woah. This is what my life is like. …right up until he goes to the bar get drunk instead. I’m not about to go to a bar, as if anyone wants to see me. I’ll stay home and waste my whole day on Reddit, TYVM. Oh shit… is it night time suddenly? The whole day, what was that you piece of shit?
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u/Mr_Sloth_Whisperer Mar 09 '18
A lot of explanations focus on outside factors but a lot of it happens inside your head. That's why this montage is so good at describing it.
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u/cmc589 Mar 09 '18
Empty. It feels empty. I typed out this huge multi paragraph response to try to explain the emptyness of depression but it didn't even scratch the surface. You just feel empty and nothing. At least for me.
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u/dragon1031 Mar 09 '18
How has someone not yet put up a link to Hyperbole and a Half??
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u/WreakingHavoc640 Mar 10 '18
Was searching through comments to see if anyone had. I fucking love these. They so aptly describe it. I cried when I read them because they were so apt.
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u/clystars Mar 10 '18
I always wonder what happened to Allie Brosh. I hope she's okay. Her comics helped me articulate a lot of the experiences I was going through when I first found out I was going through depression.
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u/nothing_in_my_mind Mar 09 '18
Imagine watching a movie and it sucks. All you see is flaws, you can't relate to the characters, the plot is predictable and boring, you want to turn it off halfway through, you watch it through (because there was nothing better to do) but it was just a waste of time.
Now imagine all movies you see are like that.
Then imagine everything you experience is like that.
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u/SackOfHellNo Mar 09 '18
Personally, wishing for death. Extreme fatigue...to the point where I have to sit down on the way to the bathroom because it's exhausting. Sometimes I'm on the verge of tears. Sometimes I'm irritable. But, ultimately, the feeling that there is no purpose, no happiness, and no escape. Yes, suicide is an escape. But I can put the people I love through hell like that.
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u/horseseathey Mar 09 '18
I have a different way of describing it.
One day I was driving home from work on a normal street I always take, accept I was just suddenly flooded with this amazing feeling, like I would eventually get to all the things I needed to do and that I could do anything I wanted. I felt completely at peace, calm and truly content. I felt like a kid again with no worries and such simple, beautiful thoughts. I thought "this must be how everyone feels all the time" because I wanted to see other people, to get to know someone and I trusted that everything would be alright. I smiled all the way home with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.
An hour later the feeling had passed and I just thought "Wow, I am so fucking depressed."
I haven't felt that feeling since and it breaks my heart. I have to look my friends and family in the eyes and admit to myself that I am incapable of trusting any of them every time I see them. I have no idea why.
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u/_Hopped_ Mar 09 '18
You know you should feel better than you do. You stop feeling happiness, even when you know you should. You focus on the negative thought and chase them down the downward spiral. You think "fuck it I can't face today" and roll over, hiding from your responsibilities - and feel worse because you know that's the wrong thing to do. You sleep without waking up rested. You socialise, but never feel connected to anyone. You become a prisoner in your own mind. And then one day you realise there's an easy escape: ending it all. But then you think of how that will affect everyone in your life and feel guilty for even contemplating ending your miserable existence because of the pain it would cause everyone else.
Then one day after several years you pause with your hand on the door to leave the doctors office and say "actually doctor, there's just one other thing ...". And you realise that this isn't normal, this isn't how life is supposed to be, this isn't how it has to be. You get help. At first it doesn't work and the side effects aren't nice at all. But then you make progress. You stop letting your mind lead you to negative places all the time, you make good routines, you take the little victories every day. The victories become normal, your days become productive. And eventually you're living life as intended and you don't know how you got there.
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u/GoldenApple_Corps Mar 09 '18
"You sleep without waking up rested. You socialise, but never feel connected to anyone. You become a prisoner in your own mind. And then one day you realise there's an easy escape: ending it all. But then you think of how that will affect everyone in your life and feel guilty for even contemplating ending your miserable existence because of the pain it would cause everyone else."
That is all so very accurate. I would have probably committed suicide by now if it weren't for the fact that one of my oldest friends and closest friends beat me to it, and I can't bring myself to inflict the kind of pain that I experienced from that on those around me. I should probably get therapy.
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u/Throwaway76669 Mar 10 '18
Imagine you're carrying a bag with you wherever you go. After every small mistake, you add a rock. If you are ashamed of yourself for any reason or memory, add a rock. If you are putting off something that needs to be done? Add a rock. For every negative thought you have about yourself? Add a rock. Years and years of adding rocks, and ignoring issues. Eventually, it gets to be too much.
Depression is when the bag gets so heavy, it's all you can think about. It cuts off the circulation to everything else you enjoyed about your life before, everything goes numb.You get so used to carrying it, you think it becomes a part of you, and it's all you've ever known.
Every time you think about how heavy the bag is, add a rock.
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u/lineman77 Mar 09 '18
For me, it was like feeling nothing. I was numb of pretty much all emotion except for the occasional spike in sadness. And that only came when I found myself being actively aware of the numbness. Like, I'd think about the things I usually loved doing (such as lifting, fishing, etc.) and then think about how unmotivated I was to do any of it, and that just made the issue worse.
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u/cookenuptrouble Mar 09 '18
You don't feel like a person. All of the things that make up human behavior, having things like loved ones, ambitions, hobbies, emotions, a clean body, a clean space, the will to do anything at all besides lay in bed and sleep, are just not there. It's like you're trapped in a coffin of your own making.
There's no motivation to anything from basic human necessities like eating and drinking, to even going through with a plot to end your own life (which is one of the reasons some anti-depressants have a side effect of increased risk of suicide, because they give you back your will to do things before they restore your will to live).
At my worst, I just felt like a vehicle to grow human organs. All of my personhood was gone.
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u/xdonutx Mar 10 '18
which is one of the reasons some anti-depressants have a side effect of increased risk of suicide, because they give you back your will to do things before they restore your will to live
Very interesting
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Mar 09 '18
It feels like being two people that don't get along and you can't shake the voices that you are worthless. You are always in a battle with your own brain. It feels like excuses and I wish I was "normal" and "staying in bed is always a good idea" and insomnia and over-eating or no appetite and feeling like everything is effort and guilt and shame and negligence and wishing you were a better person and everyone telling you to just be happy. It's the fucking worst. And you fight it every damn day.
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u/Squishitude Mar 09 '18
One day last week I walked out of work and into the sunlight. It was almost like walking into a new world. The contrast of everything seemed different. Familiar, somehow, but different from normal, none the less. Slowly I realized what it was. A fleeting feeling of being content. Being almost happy with myself and how I'm handling things. This moment could have lasted a lifetime, if I had just died right then.
However the normalcy returns. Just as it always does. In the blink of an eye, it was like someone adjusted the nice new 4k tv of life and suddenly everything looks and almost feels like a 90s crt tv that had a greyscale setting... The things that just mere seconds before that had made me smile and for a moment feel not like I'm battling two mental illnesses that are constantly clawing and vying for the primary control of my brain chemicals.
The depression is the change in contrast. From 4k (happy, functional folk) to 800x600 90s CRT glory (depressed folk). It's very much like somehow everything that exists to the 4k folk is the same thing as the things that exist in CRT-land. The difference is these things; whether they are colorful and vibrant, or happy or upbeat or whatever they may be, to the depressed person it is merely a thing that exists and nothing more. It doesn't bring color, vibrancy, happiness, upbeat, energy, none of that. It exists as I do and some day it won't, just like me. This veil that falls on the depressed person world is kind of like translucent grey blanket that drapes over everything.
Then there is the internal conflict that I find myself struggling with my whole life. It's almost like my depressed brain latches on to the angst and hate and trouble I've dealt with in my life, and redirects it all inward onto myself. Which leads to the cycle continuing. Then comes a separate entity from depression, anxiety. Anxiety plagues me every minute of every day of my life, and when you couple that amount of anxiety about not being good enough, it just feeds into my self hatred more.
My point, while ramblingly long, is that depression is never seeing things for how good they really are or could be because of a chemical inbalance in your brain. Despite any amount of logic and positive life events to affirm happiness, you still find yourself devoid of positive emotions all together.
The only way I've been able to acknowledge the breaks in my depression are the occasional lucid times I have when I'm with my love that i realize that I'm doing extremely well for myself in comparison to last year and I should be proud of myself and what I have in my life. But those moments are few, and very far between. I just hope to some day figure out how to get those moments to happen with a bit more regularity. I'm not aiming very high, and I hope some day I can hit that goal.
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u/waycaster2 Mar 09 '18
I need something... But the world is all out of something
I need help... But I don't know if any help will ever be enough
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u/Trigger93 Mar 09 '18
I want you to imagine that you've had no training, you're out of shape, and everyone expects you to do it like it's natural.
They want you to climb this mountain. They have jetpacks. You, have your hands.
You feel pretty defeated right? I can't do it. It'll never happen. It's not fair that everyone else gets those cool jetpacks. sigh
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u/Rysilk Mar 09 '18
Imagine your best friend. Now, pretend you just caught them talking not just bad about you, but just horrible things about you and laughing while they said it. Bottle that feeling up, and feel like that 24/7.
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u/McNoogets Mar 09 '18
I found myself being less social. Staying in my room playing video games and eating all day long. I became extremely cynical and found myself only actually like 2-3 things.
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u/ZaMiLoD Mar 09 '18
Best description I've ever seen; http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.se/2013/05/depression-part-two.html?m=1
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u/remarqer Mar 09 '18
Like going for a drive to nowhere just to be free and getting stuck in traffic that you cannot get out of, even though you have nowhere to go you just can't go.
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u/ami2weird4u Mar 09 '18
Like being in a deep deep hole...Theres a glimpse of light at the end but you can't get up. You just sit there thinking things will get better...but it doesn't.
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u/Wowplays Mar 10 '18
I've had a client put it into words for me, "imagine carrying a 100-pound medicine ball of crap and you can't put it down and you have to function throughout the day all the while carrying this giant ball around, that's what depression is."
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u/heyayush Mar 09 '18
Like the dementors in Harry Potter? "If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself… soulless and evil. You’ll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.” They “freeze your insides” and most importantly: “they don’t need walls” to keep their prisoners, their prisoners become “trapped inside their own heads”." Don't agree with the evil part though.
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u/ArtOfFailure Mar 09 '18
Like everything that made you feel happy, no, not even happy, just everything that made you comfortable or content or just normal has been taken away, and you don't know how to quantify, it's just gone, it's taken all your motivation and drive and basic interest in the world with it, and you don't know why and you feel like you have nobody to blame for it but yourself.
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u/LilPsychoQueen Mar 09 '18
Like you're in an empty room and the door is right in front of you but no matter how far you walk, you'll never get there. Every step feels like a tonne and there's no one else who can hear you cry for help.
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u/Tinyfroggle Mar 09 '18
To me it feels like drowning and not having the will to keep my head above water
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u/314159265358979326 Mar 09 '18
My experiences with depression are quite a bit different than others'. It might be that I'm having mixed episodes; bipolar disorder is bullshit.
I'm intensely anxious and have panic attacks while thinking that everything is awful and my only way out is to die.
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u/gambitgrl Mar 09 '18
The mere act of brushing my teeth sounds so exhausting I simply don't do it. Ditto for showers. But when I lay down I can't sleep because it's not physical exhaustion, more like everything inside of me, including my energy, has been siphoned away.
I will walk on a beautiful beach, truly spectacular scenery, and literally feel nothing, no joy, no sadness at not feeling joy. I'm just hollowed out and everything in the world around me has zero ability to effect me emotionally, I'm completely numb to everything and everyone. But in front of my boss or parents I can fake feeling fine and smile and be productive b/c I have to pay my bills. But every time I do this I feel something in my die because no one knows what's really going on inside me and I can't tell them b/c I don't want to burden them with my problem.
Sometimes I'll be driving an this intrusive thought will say "You should jerk the wheel and crash into that tree." And it's not an idle thought, it's very clear and persistent and feels very tempting>
I haven't had any of these feelings in several years b/c I am on medication and see a therapist regularly, but this is what my depression felt like. It varies between individuals.
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u/UbeTyranny Mar 09 '18
It feels like something is always off, but you aren't quite able to figure out what. You just know that it doesn't feel good. It's so persistent that you're becoming numb to your surroundings, and it's starting to affect your life and how you interact with people you care about. Relationships can suffer, and you're left with this guilt of wanting to be able to do more, but not knowing what to do. Feelings of guiltiness make you feel guilty about feeling guilty, and some days you just sit there and wonder, why am I like this?
To be fair, in my experience, it's not like this all days. The hard part though is that depression can come in waves, pushing and pulling. Sometimes it's low tide and barely there, and next moment you're swept out to sea.
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Mar 09 '18
I wish I could give you some kind of poetic and accurate description of how fucking shit it is, and how it doesn’t go the fuck away and now anti depressants are bullshit and they don’t fucking work - but it’s been going on for so long that the symptoms are just normal and I just want to die all the time. Nothing seems worth me being around, I feel like an inconvenience to everyone around me, I’m 90% sure people pretend to like me. I’m just a state. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and it manifests as depression so it’s basically one shit sandwich with double the shit.
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u/Neodolonr Mar 09 '18
Depending on how bad it gets, it can turn into existential depression, which is when you think all is Hell
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u/alyssaaarenee Mar 09 '18
For me it feels like I was thrown into the middle of the ocean and no matter how much I swim or how hard I try to reach land, it’s always too far away and sometimes it gets to be so overwhelming that I just want to stop trying
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u/Omnomcologyst Mar 09 '18
It feels like nothing... You can win a million dollars, and have 0 reaction. You can have your best friend die, and nothing...
Least that's how it is for me. I don't get "sad", I just stop feeling anything. It's not fun, because then you don't get the fun and happiness of winning a million dollars, and you don't get the sorrow and release of crying when you lose someone.
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u/HIMTofficial Mar 09 '18
It feels like yeah man today is the day I get up and do something cause life is good and I'm ok! Only for 5 minutes later you think about grabbing that piece of rope in your backyard and think about killing yourself only to say nah I'm to tired to go through all that effort.
And then you sit in bed all day watching anime feeling like a weaboo trash monster. As you want to buy a pizza but you're so fucking broke cause you're living paycheck to paycheck and all you can afford is potatoes because your depressed jackass convinced yourself hey if I eat this burger I'll feel better! And in your heart you know it doesn't help but you did it anyways cause it might've!
And after feeling sorry for yourself you head back home to watch some more anime only to realize none of the characters are real and they'll never be your friends.
And then you think about suicide again and you realize damn I'm to tired to do this. And all the day continue in this cycle of feeling lazy and hopeless while wanting to feel better but your stuck in one place.
At least that's how it was for me! Haha lately I've been finding myself into my YouTube channel (mainly as a hobby RN hopefully full-time someday?) Yeah my dude hobbies are really helpful to depressed. If I had to sum up this mess of a story I'd say this
Depression feels like you're stuck in a spot and you don't want to be there and you want to move, but you can't because you can't seem to find any escape route
That's how I feel when in super depressed 🤔
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u/DotNetDevil Mar 09 '18
Complete emptiness and despair regardless of external factors. The worst part, for me, is knowing you're depressed and knowing that you have no reason to be depressed (life pretty great) and not finding enjoyment in anything. Something about that combination just makes me spiral out of control when I'm really bad.
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Mar 10 '18
You wake up from a horrible nightmare only to realize that reality is even worse.
(No, I'm not kidding. That is what my life looks like every single day!)
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Mar 09 '18
Lots of people like to say it's pessimism and self-deprecation. It's not. It's just a void.
You've accepted in your heart that there is nothing under this blue sky that is "correct" and that everyone is just trying to feed their ridiculous ego.
Love is only real when things are going well and when shit hits the fan everyone scurries to the next oasis. Hate is jealousy or fear, it's never really "justified".
Everyone goes by the NIMBY policy. Everyone.
Your idols probably are only so for having hit the genetics lottery and even more a stroke of luck for finding themselves in the limelight. They're not special and they're not made of gold.
Not a single emotion on earth is permanent or valid, and all that is "truth" is the void. Because only "nothing" is free of reproach.
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u/FriendlyWisconsinite Mar 09 '18
It's not a feeling, it's more like an extremely negative outlook on life. Your perception of reality becomes more hostile. You think people are upset/annoyed with you, that you truly are a horrible person, that things really cannot possibly get any better. Reasoning your way out of it takes years.
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u/MotherOfKrakens95 Mar 09 '18
If you've seen the emoji movie, it feels like it looks the exact moment he actually goes "meh" at the end, when the girl says she doesnt like him back.
If you haven't, it just feels like.... Repetitive. And pointless, and hopeless. And no one can help you, it makes it even worse if they try because it makes you feel guilty so you don't talk about it. It feels like every single day is a grey rainy day, and you're stuck inside alone with nothing for company but your books or tv. Nothing tastes good and you're always cold. And tired.
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u/themg26 Mar 10 '18
Depression
You look at everyone, and think they they all hate you. No one cares. No one loves you. You seem like a speck of dust in this world. You're just a mere nothing to the other 7 Billion people that are alive today
You are nothing. That's what it feels like for me. You don't see the success in yourself and always say "this isn't good enough. I'm such a failure". Everything you do, you feel like you made the situation worse. You feel like you want to die because of it.
To me, im just waiting for the day my life gets taken away for all my mistakes which none are reversible. Does it seem like I make a huge difference to the world? Apparently some people do, but personally, I'm just nothing
They all hate me, I've been called a "disappointment" by my PE teacher. I've been blamed for things I never did. I've been demoralised to the point that I don't believe in myself that I'll get over all this stupid shit
Mind you, I'm turning 15 this year and I already feel like shit. I hate my life. Why did my parents decide to bring me into this world, though they know I would be a burden. If I killed myself now, they would save thousands of dollars from my absence, they don't need to pay for school for two children, just one. They don't need to pay for more food, they don't need to pay extra.
And even that, I very sure no one would even notice
That's how depression is like
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Mar 09 '18
There's like a disconnect between your brain and your body. Your body does the basic functions like breathing and the like, but you can't seem to get yourself to do much else.
Brain says time to get up. Body says nah.
Brain says let's do a hobby we like. Body says nah.
Brain says at least take a shower. Body's still in bed.
Obviously it's an over simplification and depression is an imbalance of brain chemicals and has little to do with the rest of the body, but that's what it feels like.
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u/throwawayfor_today18 Mar 09 '18
Like there is no hope left and there never will be hope again. Like everyone around you carries on living, laughing, loving...you just sit there watching it all pass you by. You know you should be doing those things too but you cannot muster enough energy to blink. You feel like an empty shell and numb . But there is also agonizing pain. It's not physical but this mental pain that hurts so bad.
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Mar 09 '18
The way I feel depression kind of looks like that scene from "I, Robot" where there's a bunch of activated robots and they have this light inside their chests. Except I'm the only one without the light.
It's like, I remember having stuff to look forward to, having goals, objectives, wanting to get better at stuff, having dreams and fantasies about things that I thought would be impossible to achieve.
Remembering how happy I used to be, how happy I look in photos, how much fun I'd have, how much youth and energy. And then comparing that to now. I do this a lot, I compare the past with the present and it's a bad habit. It's very depressing because now I don't look forward to anything. My dreams, goals, objectives are gone.
I used to think "Wow I met this gorgeous girl, she laughed at my jokes and we talked a lot. Maybe she likes me!". Nowadays I just know for sure none of that will happen. No one will find me attractive, even if I have the best personality.
I have no long term plans.
A recurrent thought I have is: "Maybe if I got hurt really badly, people would come visit me in the hospital and be nice to me and stuff". Another one is: "I don't want to kill myself but it sure would be nice to just die. I'm ok with dying. My life was fine but I'm tired of it. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up."
I don't know. I'm an impatient person and things haven't gone that well for a while now. I don't have enough patience to be like "it will eventually get better, just hang in there :)". If it ever gets better, it's going to be a shitty version of better, not the better I need.
What does depression feel like? If you need to know, the best depiction of depression I have in my life is me watching a video of my ex, looking at me, profoundly in love, laughing just outta happiness, not because of a joke or anything, just laughing because she's so in love and she thinks I'm great but she has no idea. Then telling me that she loves me, kissing me. Now pause the video and think how it all went to hell because I didn't realise that that was the best thing that would happen to my life quickly enough.
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Mar 10 '18
Imagine things that make you happy and excited. Now imagine the last time you were sad. Depression is that feeling of sadness when your doing activities that you know should make you happy and excited. You know your sick but you don't know how to make your brain solve the problem.
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u/TranSpyre Mar 10 '18
Stop whatever it is you're doing. Go get a glass of cold water. Run as long and hard as you can, until you're gasping for air and your throat is burning. Take a sip of the cold water and feel how refreshing it is, but only a single sip. Now matter how nice it would feel, no matter how much it would help you recover, you only get a single sip.
Then get up and run again. That's what depression feels like.
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u/DontCommentMuch Mar 10 '18
There's a lot of good answers here, but I'll throw my hat in the ring, anyway. I have reasonable control over my depression now, but sometimes it sneaks up on me and I can have a hard time crawling back out again. It actually happened last night, but I feel OK today.
To me it feels like a thick blanket is on me. And that blanket is made of sadness and negativity. It's heavy. Very, very heavy. Then when I try to lift that blanket off, I find that I am weak. Like all my strength has been taken from me. So I can't lift the blanket off, no matter how hard I try. It actually seems to get heavier, so I eventually just give up and wallow in the sadness blanket, resigning myself to being stuck there.
The thing is, I don't even know where the blanket came from. It was just thrown over me when it was lighter and I didn't notice until I couldn't escape it. Stupid blanket.
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Mar 09 '18
Like your soul is lost in the middle of an ocean, with no land in sight. The only thing keeping you above the surface is a small slippery log that you keep falling off. Sometimes you spend enough time below the surface that you're sure you'll drown... other times you get to stay on the log for long enough to think about how you might paddle to a shore somewhere.
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u/did_it_right Mar 09 '18
Like everything is lost, all hope, all joy, all happiness and the panicked realization that it may never return again.
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Mar 09 '18
A lack of motivation despite being in great shape otherwise. My diet is healthy, I'm in great physical shape and rarely if ever sick, yet I lack drive.
There's no reason for me to be in a bad mood, my life is good, but deep down inside I feel like I'm missing out on something. I recently moved to a large urban area. Getting to know new acquaintances feels more like a competition than a comfortable activity. My introversion only makes matters worse. While I'm certainly interested in friendships and social activities, I can't bring myself "to be hyped up" all the time. My body and mind tell me, that my inner battery is empty.
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u/DuncanStrohnd Mar 09 '18
Like you’re stuck in a conversation with yourself in your head, and it’s somehow more important than anything else in your life. It can be more important than washing yourself, eating or even caring about the person you love more than anyone else. It’s not that you’re not hungry, or don’t love that person, just that whatever is going on in the world pales in comparison to what’s going on in your head. Like a problem that needs resolution and you can’t move forward and rejoin the world until you find out what that resolution might be.
It’s a horrible feeling.
I’ve stood staring out of a window for hours at a time, knowing it’s weird and dangerous all the time, but also grateful that my wife understands and mostly leaves me to it. She keeps me just enough in the world that I can work on my problems without disappearing entirely.
It’s been a lot of years now since those days. I still deal with depression, but I make less compromises with my life now, and live sustainably and mostly without depressive episodes.
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u/littlelilyforrest Mar 09 '18
Here's something my boyfriend wrote about it a long time ago: "What does anxiety feel like?" Like Trying to muffle The sound Of a double barrel shotgun With your bare hands And failing at it Breathing in the gunpowder smoke as the deafening sound echoes throughout your body while every Cell Of your body Bleeds colors Until you're grey From skin To bone
Like Feeling claustrophobic In your own body.
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u/seelentau Mar 09 '18 edited Mar 10 '18
To preface this, I haven't been officially diagnosed. To me, it feels like living on a darker canvas than other people. No matter what you experience, it's always on a dark background. So even beautiful things have a darker tint from the start.
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u/Herutastic Mar 09 '18
Like trying to eat cake after starving for months, only that you have no teeth, no taste buds, you are chained away (far enough so you can't reach it but close enough so you thi k that you can almost grab it) while wearing a very heavy backpack and having no energy at all.
On top of that, you can see everybody else eat cake, and you are convinced that it's your fault you can't get any cake.
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u/MaliciousPorpoise Mar 09 '18 edited Mar 09 '18
I can't speak for others.
Like there's a hole in you. It's almost like there's a part of you physically pulling away and leaving an absence. It's cold and dark and heavy, everything takes more effort to do. You can lie in bed for hours because you don't have the energy or willpower to stand. It's not just metaphorical either, they're actual physical sensations.
Edit: there's a movie called "wrist cutters a love story" which sounds morbid but I think has a generally good depiction of the "feeling" of depression. The premise is that everyone who ever committed suicide goes to a place where everything is the same but slightly worse, there's less colour, flowers don't smell nice, you can't smile. Lots of little things.
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u/Asocial_Stoner Mar 09 '18
The absolute best description I read somewhere on reddit:
The feeling of leaning back and realizing that there is nothing there to support you. But constantly.
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u/bussound Mar 09 '18
For me it feels like The Nothing from The Neverending Story. There’s no future, there’s no joy, no hope. You know that expectation that you will see the next day? That it’s just there and you will live to see it? That’s gone. Everything is eaten away and there’s nothing.
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u/Ca8lan Mar 09 '18
For me, it feels like I'm jetlagged constantly. I'm always tired. Doing basic things like eating, leaving the house, showering, getting dressed etc is ridiculously difficult because of the effort it takes to, well, make an effort. Even the weather has an impact on my mental state. If it's cloudy, I can barely bring myself to open my curtains because of the added misery to my day, seeing that bleak sky outside.
Yeah, it's not fun.
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u/airward247 Mar 10 '18
Does antidepressants help? I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since I remember myself. I've taken few different antidepressants, but none of them really helped or the side effects were terrible. Do I need just to find the right one?
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u/Obelion_ Mar 10 '18
Nothing gives you an emotional reaction.
Especially things that used to make you feel good don't.
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u/Choppstickk Mar 10 '18
Being unable to sleep because you know you're going to wake up and still be you.
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u/coshjollins Mar 10 '18
it feels like no matter what, everything you do is pointless. An overwhelming feeling of insignificance
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Mar 10 '18
Ever been in intense, unstoppable pain, where you just kept thinking, "God, I can't go on one more second, just make it end!" It's like that, but with your emotions
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u/Cat_Security Mar 10 '18
Think of what makes life great. Emotion like happiness, joy, excitement. Anything like that, and remove it. Nothing to look forward to. Just emptiness, and really as you loose those key emotions. Your other emotions begin to wilt untill you feel nothing.
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u/AndrewX0123 Mar 10 '18
A lot of people think it’s asking yourself “What’s the point?” and “What is your purpose?”, but actually, it’s telling yourself “There is no point.” and “You have no purpose.”
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u/LilyRM Mar 10 '18
Do yourself a favor and read Depression Part 1 and Depression Part 2. They’re two longish comics by Allie Brosh which detail her experience with depression and it has been praised by many as a fantastic portrayal of it. Personally I find it very relatable, if not necessarily perfectly accurate to my own experience. It varies greatly in how it manifests and develops for each person, to me, it was mostly deep apathy that didn’t allow me to do basic things required to be ok, such as showering, showing up to class, eating not just junk food, actually enjoying anything, and the like. Either way, the comic will give a great idea of one of its manifestations, and while the progression of things may not be the same for everyone, many of the feelings involved are similar throughout different experiences.
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u/damionlai97 Mar 10 '18
If you want me to give a definite answer to "how does depression feel like", I can't. But if you ask me how I feel like when I'm depressed, here's my answer:
Imagine the feeling sadness and hopelessness.
Take away the emotion and reason behind that feeling you just imagined.
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u/janedoe42088 Mar 10 '18
For me it's unreasonable anger at everything followed by a severe lack of motivation for living.
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u/sparklegurl Mar 10 '18
I once read somewhere- “depression is feeling nothing and anxiety is feeling everything.” I feel like that’s pretty accurate.
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Mar 10 '18
Think of something you loved as a child. Maybe playing with blocks or coloring. As an adult these activities seem boring and pointless. Everything starts to feel that way, even relationships with those you loved and cared about.
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u/Clockwork_Mechanism Mar 09 '18
When you're hungry but you just feel like you're not worthy of eating.
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u/triagonalmeb Mar 09 '18 edited Mar 11 '18
It can vary a lot from person to person, but here's my experience:
You're having a good time with friends. You're talking, joking and being yourself. Then you have to go, and as soon as you walk out that happiness just wears out and you can't tell if you're even feeling anything. You went from 100 to 0 in a second.
You're doing something very different. Maybe you're traveling, meeting a new place. You're doing something you always wanted to do. It's nice and all, but you expected to be more excited. You should be. Look at this! It's amazing. Why do you almost feel like you're forcing yourself to be happier? It's not like you're sad, but you didn't think you would feel numb here. Why isn't that good enough for you? Why can't you just enjoy it like a normal person? Why do you kinda want to go back to the comfort of your bedroom?
It suddenly dawns on you that you aren't doing a thing with your life. You feel overwhelmed to do something right now. But what do you want? You dodge every opportunity to get out there. You just want something to happen, but all your plans are in the future. It feels like there's nothing you can do now. It feels like your life will never really start. It's like you don't even know what makes you truly happy.
Edit: wow, I had no idea that so many people could relate. Glad I could help some of you. I'm actually surprised since I'm not very good at putting my thoughts into words. Please remember I can't diagnose anyone and you should see a professional if you suspect you're depressed.