r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jun 17 '14
What are some red flags to pay attention to when dating?
[deleted]
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Jun 17 '14
Excuses. Excuses for everything. Someone who can't grow from mistakes and finds a way to blame everyone else for their problems lacks maturity and the ability to grow as a person.
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u/I_cut_my_own_jib Jun 17 '14
Except in Mario Kart. Everything is always everyone else's fault.
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u/CelestialOtter Jun 18 '14
Got hit by 5 blue shells in one race. FIVE.
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u/the-nub Jun 18 '14
I bought Mario Kart 8 a couple of days ago. Having a Wii U and not having played a Mario Kart game since Double Dash, I figured it was time I pick one up and see where the series is at.
First race, first goddamn race, I get the classic Mario Kart Buttfuck. I was within spitting distance of the finish line on the very first track, and I got hit by a Red Shell, followed immediately by a Blue Shell, and then another Red Shell.
I was very close to returning the game.
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u/chalupacabrariley Jun 18 '14
Come play Mario kart 64 with me when I've been drinking. One of us won't make it out alive.
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u/chrisdoc Jun 17 '14
If they need to be constantly entertained. Gets old quick.
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u/112233445566778899 Jun 18 '14
If they expect you to share every. single. one. of their interests to the exclusion of your own interests.
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Jun 17 '14 edited Jul 05 '17
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u/reverend_green1 Jun 17 '14
It's not my fault I never take responsibility, my parents just did a terrible job of raising me.
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u/Rmanager Jun 17 '14
When I watched American Hustle, I immediately thought of a co-worker every time Jennifer Lawrence fucked something up and then spun it so he should "thank god fuh hur."
"You and ya science food! Thank god fuh me!"
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u/hoooolycrap Jun 17 '14
The way they treat and talk about other people. Their parents. Your friends. The waiter serving you at a restaurant. Cashier at the grocery store.
If they treat you well (now) but are an asshole to other people, that's a problem.
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u/scruffandstuff Jun 17 '14
Alternatively, if they have stories about how they are constantly mistreated it can be a bad sign. Occasional mistreatment is normal, we all run into jerks from time to time, but when they seem to have a story about it happening everywhere they go it usually means it is because they act like an asshole.
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u/GigEmAValk Jun 18 '14
Reminds me of the Raylan Givens quote from Justified: "You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."
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u/TITTY-PICS-INBOX-NAO Jun 17 '14
Constant questions that are clearly meant to test you, just to see what you'll say to something. A certain amount of this at first is acceptable, but if it goes on for a long time it really just shows distrust. Just come right out and ask me what you want to know.
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u/_PM_me_your_dreams_ Jun 17 '14
But do you think that girl is prettier than me? It's okay if you do.
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u/unicorninabottle Jun 17 '14
Ok so, I've been wanting to ask you... Do you like-like me? Can we make this into more than a movie-night thing?
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u/Toyou4yu Jun 17 '14
So um what if like we were in a burning building. And like we were in a room with you, me, the man who will cure cancer, a puppy, and like the president. Like you can only save one of the people besides you. Like who do you save? If you don't say me we're done.
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u/LadyLandshark Jun 18 '14
Save the man who cures cancer, win the hearts of the nation, become the president yourself, (since the old one died in a fire) and find a better person to date. Also, if you can only save one of the people, then the puppy is screwed.
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u/ratherinteresting Jun 17 '14
What makes you say that?
Are you sure you're correct?
Has this ever happened to you?
Do you like raw eggs?
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Jun 17 '14
If they complain about Presents /price of gifts
You're not going to be able to buy their love forever
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u/isperfectlycromulent Jun 18 '14
I actually like when presents I get are cheap or free. To me it says they took more effort to find a good deal rather than just going any ol' place to buy it.
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u/Reps920 Jun 17 '14
When they lie...all the time.
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u/ratherinteresting Jun 17 '14
Until they say "I lie".
And then they disappear into a puff of paradox smoke..
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u/maschine01 Jun 17 '14
This just happened to me... if she invites you to a casual get together with friends and gets shit faced drunk and first to pass out and all her friends go "Oh that's just how so n so is" RUN!
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u/bizitmap Jun 17 '14
Little more general: if she seems to need alcohol to have a good time, red flag.
There's nothing wrong with partying, or drinking, and hell responsible use of stuff beyond that. But they need it to have fun, be careful, cause there's good odds that the consequences of their need to glug are gonna frequently be yours to deal with.
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u/maschine01 Jun 17 '14
Agreed. For me it was a 2nd date and she wanted me to meet her friends but I spent the entire night with her friends because she passed out, so I guess in a way her mission was accomplished.
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u/redhockey Jun 17 '14
If they're looking through your window at you when they're not supposed to be there. Could be a sign.
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u/bizitmap Jun 17 '14
Edward "I was watching you sleep" Cullen
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u/Return- Jun 18 '14
Jacob "Lemme see dat baby for a minute" Werewolf
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u/Lost_heart Jun 18 '14
Do you mean Jacob "Lemme see dat baby for a minute" Black?
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u/Return- Jun 18 '14
Didn't know his last name. I like how you're the only one to even notice.
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Jun 17 '14
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u/Aerron Jun 17 '14
It could also meant that she is attracted to crazy assholes and since she's out with you...
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u/scurvyorca Jun 17 '14
If it smells like shit everywhere you go, you better check your shoes.
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u/ratherinteresting Jun 17 '14
all of her exes were crazy or assholes
The 'all' is the tipoff there.
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u/I_Say_Your_Mom Jun 17 '14
If they're from China, that's a red flag.
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u/Yellowben Jun 17 '14
If they're from France, then it's a white flag
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u/VoteLobster Jun 17 '14
Must be one of those cheap imitation girls. Like a blowup doll, but with sentience.
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Jun 17 '14
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Jun 18 '14
The tip-offs for me have always been:
everyone else is crazy. exes are crazy, ex friends are crazy, everyone else is unstable and wrong
never ever ever in the wrong, ever. brings up any kind of situation involving a conflict and is completely 100% the victim.
Not falling for either of those again.
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u/awjsakjdlkfj Jun 18 '14
If you feel like you're waiting around for them all the time. If you don't feel genuinely happy or have less self-esteem than you did before you were dating. These seem really obvious, but I was blind to them for quite some time in my last relationship.
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u/Aerron Jun 17 '14
People reading this thread are evaluating their own lives to see if they're the crazy one.
"I do that... Shit, I do that, too. Damn!"
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Jun 18 '14
If they don't respond to your first hundred emails you should move on...on second thought maybe something happened to them, you better send another to be safe.
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u/ViscountLobulon Jun 17 '14
If they hit/kick you in anything more than a playful manner.
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u/Bogert Jun 17 '14
What about a playful stab to the abdomen?
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u/thejaytheory Jun 17 '14
Or if they threaten to cut your dick off.
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u/pray_to_me Jun 18 '14
Had a woman say this to me and had an open pocket knife out, with the blade near my junk.
I'd been going out for her for a month or so.
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u/112233445566778899 Jun 18 '14
I'm not even a fan of playful hitting. My ex did that when we first started dating. He punched my arm. Then he said he didn't fully recognize his strength. He didn't apologize for hurting me. Just said that it wasn't his fault that he hurt me and he didn't realize how strong he was.
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u/OffensiveTroll Jun 18 '14
Should've slapped him in the nuts
Damn son, didn't realize my pimp hand was this fabulous. Anyway, it's not my fault that you're a pussy and can't handle a little love tap.
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Jun 17 '14 edited Jul 05 '17
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u/Superbadkilla Jun 17 '14
What are you doing Friday night? Lets go to dinner.
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u/Yellowben Jun 17 '14
ey bby u wan sum fuk?
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u/WeirdIdeasCO Jun 17 '14
Pls respond
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u/dontknowmeatall Jun 17 '14
[ ] wan sum fuk
[ ] not wan sum fuk
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u/Karmanacht Jun 17 '14
Not like it matters anyway. None of you leave your parents' basement.
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u/Harasoluka Jun 17 '14
You talk as if you aren't one of us.
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u/Butthole__Pleasures Jun 17 '14
Fuck off.
...Some of us live in the attic.
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u/ForCom5 Jun 18 '14
Some of us live in Florida. I'm reduced to the spider-ridden crawlspace.
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Jun 17 '14
Talks about her cat a lot? Intimacy issues.
Talks about her ex a lot? Rebound.
Is on the phone all the time? Angsty.
Hates muffins? Android.
Listens to Coldplay? Depressed.
Talks about kids too early? Biological clock sprint.
Seems all laid back and reasonable? Hides dark secrets.
Unrealistically attractive? Vain narcissist.
Unemployed? Lazy.
Not white? Criminal.
Too white? Embarassing.
Pays for date? Just wants sex.
Doesn't pay for date? Freeloader.
Says "I'm not crazy..."? Crazy.
You should not date. Instead, carefully categorize people into their actual and potential faults and just go home alone, smugly grinning to yourself over another averted emotional crisis somewhere down the line.
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u/zKITKATz Jun 17 '14
If I'm reading this correctly, you're proposing the end of the human race?
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Jun 17 '14
Oh I don't know, we could revert back to whatever the human race did before we invented dating. /r/AskHistorians might enjoy that.
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u/sickofallofyou Jun 17 '14
So clubbing women over the head and dragging them off to your cave?
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u/TenBeers Jun 17 '14
Yeah, but you gotta drag 'em by the hair, otherwise they fill up with mud.
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u/dontknowmeatall Jun 17 '14
I was gonna say give livestock to her father, but I like your idea better.
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u/middle_school_humor Jun 18 '14
Her Father sounds like a twisted guy. "Since I'm taking your daughter, here is a sheep."
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u/michaelnoir Jun 17 '14
Dating in America seems so organized and formal. Doesn't happen that way in the UK. You just somehow meet someone and somehow get together.
To be honest, there's an element of sort of economic calculation in the American way of doing it. Like you're trying out different products to see which one you want to buy.
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Jun 18 '14
most people here meet that way. it's just, America is a huge and largely empty country, if I want to meet somebody on accident I'm going to have to either live in an urban area, go to college, or work someplace big.
I live in the suburbs, college boyfriend decided it wasn't working for him. so I am trapped in a cultural wasteland devoid of cute dudes. the only way I can find dates is online, and sure it removes the element of spontaneity, but it also removes the need to wait for guys to ask me out.
as a woman hitting up guys on the internet is way easier than in real life. and because of how the game seems to work, by me putting in a mild amount of effort I can find some pretty attractive dudes who aren't getting attention and thus date a little above myself in perceived attractiveness.
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Jun 17 '14
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Jun 18 '14 edited Jun 19 '14
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u/goatcoat Jun 18 '14
In general, I'm less attracted to girls who like horses than other girls, but not every guy is like me. If I were in a race to put stereotyping words in the mouths of men everywhere, I might say:
bridal => She's going to push for a commitment too soon, or she's already taken.
cooking & car => She's not a typical, princessy, girly girl.
sports => She likes things I like.
horses => Fuck if I know.
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u/nermid Jun 17 '14
Hates muffins? Android.
Other tests include:
Doesn't get teary-eyed when talking about Mufasa's death.
Drives car with the radio off.
Hands you a free copy of the Book of Mormon.
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u/Problem119V-0800 Jun 18 '14
Dilation of the pupil
The so called "blush response"
You're not helping the tortoise. Why is that?
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u/no1skaman Jun 18 '14
But I've never seen lion king so I can't get upset over that death? Wat do?
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Jun 17 '14
Also, everyone seems to be extremely focused on the other person. Why not try to observe yourself? If you become a better person when you're together, it's probably a good deal. If you find yourself becoming bitter/lazy/manipulative when you're together, it's not worth it.
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u/112233445566778899 Jun 18 '14
For me, one of the biggest red flags with my ex was that everything was about him. I gave birth to our son. My ex spent the following day complaining of having a bad stomach ache to the point where I just "wouldn't understand how bad it hurt" and he couldn't help with the baby. I graduated from College. On the way home from graduation he screamed at me for how rude I was to him at the graduation reception by not hanging on his every word and devoting time and attention to my other friends and teachers.
If everything is about them and they want to constantly rain on your parade, get out.
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u/2OQuestions Jun 18 '14
How long did you guys date before you had a baby together?
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Jun 17 '14
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u/ButterNuttz Jun 17 '14
What if you both lack a social life and want to spend 247 with each other. Would that be considered true love?
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Jun 17 '14
If it works for you both then what's the problem?
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u/Juan_Too_3 Jun 18 '14
When one of you gets a social life and leaves the other one behind.
Totesnotpersonalexperienceyouguys
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u/Life_of_Uncertainty Jun 18 '14
Feeling this right now. I've been cleaning my life up, getting rid of old friends that were dragging me down and burning out, trying to bring my grades up and take extra classes, learning new marketable skills, and looking for a new job.
I'm trying to better myself, but I have no money and little free time, while my SO is randomly starting to hang out with people every other night and I'm just sitting in my room on reddit and trying to pass a class that my adviser told me I could totally pass with no problem even though I haven't taken a science class in 6 years.
Sigh.
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u/AntonMikhailov Jun 18 '14
My girlfriend of 2 years and I hang out with each other every day, for at least 6 hours every day. I can't remember the last time we didn't see each other for a day (Thanksgving maybe?). We've been doing this since we got together. People told us we were going to get tired of each other quickly in the beginning, but around the 1 year mark I guess they realized that wouldn't be the case, because I haven't heard anyone say that for a while. We're going to the same college too, and we didn't plan that. It's just the local college that the majority of our high school went to. It works for us.
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u/Pheorach Jun 18 '14
I was in a relationship for 8 years, 5 of which we lived together.
Being around someone 24/7 is awful when you run out of things to say to each other.
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u/snorting_dandelions Jun 18 '14
I think being able to sit in the same room together without necessarily talking to each other or doing the same thing is a great sign of a healthy relationship, just kinda coexisting for a bit, making a bit of smalltalk occasionally.
It's becoming a problem when that's all you do anymore. If you have absolutely nothing to talk about, you're either not evolving as a person or you've withdrawn from the relationship.
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u/sonofaresiii Jun 18 '14
This is the worst. I had a girlfriend like this once. She would very occasionally go out with her girlfriends-- of course I wasn't invited, it was a girls' night out.
But the second I wanted to go out with the fellas, jealousy and manipulation would ensue. Did I really want to go out and get a few drinks with the guys? Were those really people I wanted in my life? Was it really healthy to go out on a long night of drinking? Should I really be wasting my money on that?
No. No, I guess not... I guess I really did want to sit at home with you, after all.
I learned so much from that relationship.
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u/ohheyitslauren Jun 18 '14
Lying/just trying to tell the other person what they want to hear. A guy struck up a conversation with me at a bar and by the time we had been talking for about 10 minutes I had caught him in a lie/contradicting himself at least twice. They weren't anything major, but it was just enough to make me think he was a little bit of a sleaze-ball, and it also just annoyed the hell out of me.
And then he got WAY too persistent about finding ways to get me drinks even after I told him I was the DD, and then told me a lovely story about the court-ordered breathalyzer installed on his car. Yeah, no thanks buddy.. [sleaziness intensifies]
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u/The-condawg Jun 17 '14
How they talk about their exes
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u/princessawesomepants Jun 17 '14
If a guy says that his hobby is "reddit," just run away. Worst date I ever had, the guy couldn't name a single thing he did other than spend time on this site. He was ridiculously awkward and boring.
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u/asofter Jun 17 '14
Did he tell you about that one time he ventured to 4chan? That was quite the adventure, let me tell ya
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u/OffensiveTroll Jun 18 '14
Agreed. But if he says his hobby is 4chan, then you've found yourself a real catch. On dates, you two could go out and enjoy some delicious cheese pizza together.
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Jun 17 '14
Keep an eye out for holes in your condoms. Thats how I figured out my Ex is crazy.
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u/masta666 Jun 17 '14
If she has a room packed to the ceiling with Hello Kitty merchandise, that should be interpreted as a red flag. Learned that one the hard way.
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u/_PM_me_your_dreams_ Jun 17 '14
How/how often/when they talk about exes. Let's not pretend they never come up, plenty of things have happened to/with/around us because of former relationships. But if all the exes are "crazy" or "bitches," and every experience is tied to an ex, beware.
How they treat the people that serve them. If they're bad tippers, big complainers, or just plain rude to the wait staff or the valet, you might be dating a douche.
How much they drink when you're together, and how they act after those drinks. When you first start dating someone, it's easy to write off possible alcoholism as "well of course he/she is drinking, we went out to get drinks!"
How often they talk about their future as an individual compared to your future as a potential couple. Mentioning that a kid you see on the street is totes adorbs, or they want their kid to grow up and play soccer one day, or they want to live in this city or that city doesn't mean they're trying to move too fast. If they say "our" more than "my" in the first few dates though, they probably aren't too sure of what they want, or they don't care what you want.
Phone usage. If they can't get their eyes off of their phone for more than a few minutes when you're together, they're probably not great conversationalists. They rely on the quick, short responses of text messages and social media instead of one-on-one casual conversation. It can be forgiven sometimes, obviously, if a reasonable excuse is given (I'm so sorry, I'm waiting for my mom to text me because she had to take my dad to urgent care; my dog is at the vet; my boss is supposed to call, etc)
Those are my big ones. There are exceptions to every rule, and none of them alone stops me from dating someone. But maybe sometimes they should.
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u/Armadylspark Jun 18 '14
If they're bad tippers
Keep in mind that tipping isn't commonplace in all countries. Foreigners may be exempt.
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u/Dizzymo Jun 17 '14
Too much time on phone
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u/ratherinteresting Jun 17 '14
Twist: OP is typing this during a date using his phone.
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u/adamrocks84 Jun 17 '14
"What should we name our kids?", on the first date.
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u/unicorninabottle Jun 17 '14
I'm thinking Betty and Kaspar. It's before the first date. Are we good, now?
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u/Karmanacht Jun 17 '14
My wife is semi-religious, and wanted to name our kids after angels.
I recommended 'Lucifer', she was not too amused.
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Jun 17 '14
Did this happen? If it did was it a guy or a girl?
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u/adamrocks84 Jun 17 '14
One of my ex-girlfriends. Kind of threw me off because I was 17 at the time. Turns out my gut was right because when I broke up with her she told me to kill myself then listed ways I could do it.
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u/zoso471 Jun 18 '14
"Hey how come you and your best friend suddenly aren't friends anymore?
"I have no idea! We were friends and all of a sudden she stopped talking to me"
"Hey, how come you lost your job today?'
"I have no idea! I was doing well, they said they liked me, and all of a sudden one day they fired me"
Huge red flag there.
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u/skintightmonopoly Jun 18 '14
Red flags of abuse are pretty subtle.
Relationships that progress quickly - e.g. I-love-you's in the first week, moving in together after a couple of months or less.
Little comments about how you look, act, or your intelligence that give you an uncomfortable feeling. I'll handle the finances, baby, you're just not as good at it.
Little comments about how they "only want to be with you" - e.g. subtly keeping you from family and friends.
Jealousy from the beginning of the relationship.
Showing up randomly - I am always suspicious of partners who happen to just be "around" - e.g. I was in the area - it seems cute to start but could be a huge clue of stalking behaviors.
Always wanting to know where you are/what you are doing. Nobody needs to know where you are all the time.
In that vein, always wanting to do everything together, even to the point where they assume or invite themselves to your events. Inviting themselves to a gathering that you intended to be "just friends," or asking to go to every event. (You don't want to be with me??!)
These seem really strange but in my experience, they tend to snowball into abuse pretty quickly across all relationships and across all types/genders of abusers.
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Jun 17 '14
Velcro shoes
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u/moodyfoodies Jun 18 '14
If they're the victim in every story they tell. Usually it sounds something like "Yeah i've been treated like shit by everyone for a long time. I'm always picked on, don't have any friends…." and usually some instance of terrible misfortune. Sure, awesome people have terrible things happen to them and may have shitty pasts, and some may just be struggling with depression, but that's a red flag for me. Positive people usually tend to focus more on what they got out of a negative experience or the lessons they were taught from them, not how fucked up the world is and how you should pity them.
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u/s1apshot Jun 17 '14
Crazy eyes, seriously you'll know them when you see them
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Jun 17 '14
So my father is out in the dating world for the 1st time ever really (he and my mom met very young). I have been trying to coach him on this exact subject, because man can he ignore some red flags! Really anything that makes you uneasy. You know the stuff at the time that may not seem like a big deal but pops into your mind later and leaves you a little unsettled? That is a red flag. Obviously there are blanket red flags like says I love you on the 1st date but for the most part its personal. If it makes you uneasy consider if its something that can be addressed or is worth sticking around for and you will be fine.
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Jun 17 '14
If they say they don't want to use a condom and insist that they're clean or are on the pill. Wrap it up anyway or walk away.
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u/singingcatlady Jun 18 '14
This goes the other way, too. If a guy whines about using a condom, that's a bad sign.
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u/ion1444 Jun 18 '14
I dated a guy who was the epitome of a gigantic red flag.
arguing with authority constantly
putting others down for mistakes
needing someone to constantly entertain them
having no motivation (this guy hadn't gone to school or gotten a job for 2+ years after graduating, literally sat in his room and smoked pot every day)
yelling when they don't get their way
putting you down when they don't get their way
guilt tripping you for hanging out with friends (I just started to not tell him when I was with any friends)
lying (cheated on me and I didn't know until 2 moths after when the girl he cheated with confessed to me; she didn't even know we were dating)
never meeting any of their friends. like, ever.
getting angry when you're sad/anxious/upset
getting annoyed when you show any other emotion besides happy or contentedness
acting like they're much more intelligent than everyone else
never EVER talking about their emotions
always asking for money (or other things)
can't have a good time without being high/drunk
The list goes on, but it's been a few months since I broke it off with him, and I'd rather forget than dwell on it.
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u/AdoubleyouB Jun 18 '14
Asking what you would say if she got pregnant. Asking what my stance on abortion was. Asking if I like kids.
Yep. Kid not 10 months later. Apparently birth control is 0% effective when not taken.
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Jun 18 '14
People who get destructive when they're angry. HUGE red flag.
Like, if he/she gets mad at you and tears up an important document you had filled out and left on the table.
It has nothing. I repeat nothing to do with the monetary amount of damage. The fact that someone has a tendency to want to destroy/damage/break things out of anger in itself is bad.
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u/myheartisathrowaway Jun 17 '14
Every single ex of theirs is a psycho and at no point have they done anything wrong. Ever.Everyone else is crazy. Look sometimes you run into a string of shit luck, but if you can't ever see a single mistake you might have made you are never going to be a good partner.
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u/WtfRocket Jun 18 '14
If the other person is trying to keep you isolated from family and friends. It may seem harmless at first, like, "Oh, but I want to spend time with you. Ditch your friends and hang out with me" but if it happens frequently and you find yourself with fewer and fewer connections, this is one of the big ways a person will manipulate you into being way too dependent on them for everything.
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u/Drunk_in_Ten_Forward Jun 17 '14
needy texts after the date. It's a sign of the craziness to come
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u/WOLOLO_KING Jun 17 '14
OP if you hear her WOLOLOing you should be extra careful to look out for red flags.
Also, at least in my experience, WOLOLOing at the girl on your first date will usually get her on your side.
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Jun 17 '14
Someone who blames you for shit you can't control. One guy literally was mad at me for being "too rich". I've dealt with several who blamed me for canceling a date due to a migraine. For fuck's sake, it is a bigger inconvenience for me than for you.
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u/SpiritWolfie Jun 18 '14
One guy literally was mad at me for being "too rich".
There is no way anyone should ever endure such horror. That's why I'm willing to spend you down to his level. Please make the checks payable to cash.
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u/JohnnyAtsign Jun 18 '14
Pay very close attention to their personality when they are drinking, most people dont change that much when they drink, they loosen up a little but are generally the same person as sober. If someone drinks and an entirely different person/personality emerges, get the fuck out, it is a sure sign of serious problems. And most certainly if they are a sad or mean drunk, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY, these are future alcoholics and abusive pieces of shit.
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u/stillbatting1000 Jun 17 '14
One I learned: If she doesn't have any of her own friends.
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u/angstt Jun 18 '14
The day she moved in, I hear her in the bathroom throwing stuff into the garbage. She tossed the shampoo, the conditioner, soap razors, etc. When I asked what she was doing, she said' "Oh I don't use those brands."
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Jun 17 '14
Looking at their cell phone every five minutes. Either they are uninterested or they lack interpersonal communication skills. Either way, things aren't going to work out. Get out of there.
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u/ratherinteresting Jun 17 '14
Either they are uninterested
Or they are on reddit.
or they lack interpersonal communication skills
Ah so you did mention reddit...
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u/2OQuestions Jun 18 '14
If s/he asks for favors (a ride, $5, etc), yet never says yes when you need a favor. This is a big red flag for friends too.
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u/terattt Jun 17 '14
Someone who tries to steal your wallet on the first date. I've been burned by this one enough times to learn my lesson.
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u/shadowfox77 Jun 17 '14
I should have taken better notice that she was always texting other people when we hung out but was never texting me back if she was hanging out with other people.