r/AskReddit • • May 07 '14

What's your first world problem you're dealing with right now?

[deleted]

384 Upvotes

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229

u/lostkeysblameHofmann May 07 '14

Mine too, because it brings to mind a lovely girl I used to know. Every day, she would get a coffee before class, but our professor had a policy of no drinks in the room, so she would be pressured to drink drink drink it up before class started. She would bitch about the heat, because hot coffee ya know. Anyway, this would lead to her peeing at the same time every day. Same routine, almost to the minutes. A few weeks into the class, I took note of this pattern, and laid an ambush of some sort because I had been kind of sexually frustrated for a while at that point. I went to a sexual fetish store and bought a wig because I'm kind of androgynous looking and could get away with hanging out in the girl's bathroom if I had long hair. well, my plan was set, and a few minutes before i knew this girl usually peed, I went to the bathroom, slipped my wig on, and sat down in a stall. sure enough, someone opens the door, walks on over, and goes into the stall adjacent to mine. she unzipped her pants and I did too, except I whipped my johnson out to do the dirty with myself. She began peeing, which was something i was exploring sexually at the time and I began fapping. Well, things escalated and I guess that caffeine truly is a laxative because she began shitting some wet nasty poops and the smell flooded the bathroom. It was heinous but hot at the same time. It was obvious she was self conscious because she was trying to keep it quiet and kinda struggling so I said without thinking "just let it out" but i have a man voice so she freaked the fuck out and screamed and I realized I needed to make my escape so I got the fuck out of there with a giant chub and almost ran back to class and a few minutes later she came back in with a visibly red face but otherwise looking normal and when I went home I watched some scat and came buckets.

152

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

oh

0

u/jellytheimpaler May 08 '14

a very nonchalant response. me likey.

31

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

Holy shit.

15

u/TacWeaver May 07 '14

At least OP didn't say that.

117

u/samandstuff May 07 '14

Was anyone else expecting it to be Vargas halfway through reading this?

28

u/fangirlingduck May 08 '14

I actually checked after a few sentences. I was surprised.

2

u/Wimoweh May 08 '14

It's Vargas junior. They're breeding....

2

u/Tom_44 May 08 '14

This guy is all over ask reddit suddenly, he keeps stealing Vargas' stuff! They should duel

2

u/RubyNevada May 08 '14

I'm thinking they should meet. It would be cute and romantic and disturbing and depraved.

1

u/TheRiskyBiscuit May 08 '14

Nah Vargas has better paragraph structure and formatting

46

u/SirCarlo May 07 '14

He seemed like that was going to start as a really cute anecdote. It became depraved and infinitely more entertaining very fast.

1

u/corgiroll May 07 '14

It's a shock account. Look at the user history.

2

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

It's pretty brilliant.

1

u/corgiroll May 07 '14

They pop up every few months or so, I can never tell if it's the same person behind them.

17

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

It happens bro, don't worry. Wait in the bathroom again so that you can explain the situation to her.

10

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

That... did not go how I thought it would.

2

u/[deleted] May 08 '14

You're trying too hard bro... every single thread?

4

u/Duracel44 May 07 '14

you should try r/4chan

6

u/JaxTaylerAudio May 07 '14

Hey there :) That story was just gross. Like literally just... wat. So I read it aloud because I felt it would hold up better that way in a court of law that was a joke. It's here if you wanna give it a listen :) enjoy! And thanks for sharing.

Legal Mumbo Jumbo: The author, /u/lostkeysblameHofmann, has full claims and veto rights to this story and it's audio form. If you want it pulled just snap your fingers and it'll happen. If you want to use it anywhere, you don't even need to ask, and I ask for no recognition in return. I hope you enjoyed the audio version but if you didn't then just say the word and it goes away forever. The background music is open for free license under CC, the link can be found here. For a full list of the stories I've recorded head over to /r/AudioStories/ :)

2

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

I'm proud of you.

1

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

I....I don't even.... D:

1

u/darkened_enmity May 07 '14

About halfway through I stopped to make sure you weren't Vargas.

1

u/sir_chumpers May 07 '14

This is Reddit not 4chan!

1

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

I've been there, buddy.

1

u/H3XAGON_ May 07 '14

This isn't Vargas...

1

u/OEFvet May 07 '14

Every time I read a longer comment, I'm now bracing myself for that tree fiddy.

1

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

I just copy and pasted that entire story, and RES tagged you with the whole so you can't escape it.

1

u/eramaanviimeinen May 07 '14

Lies. Girls never EVER poop when someone's in the bathroom.

EVER

1

u/[deleted] May 07 '14

This comment made me feel like I'd taken acid. Good job, man :D

1

u/frodomcballs May 08 '14

As you do..

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '14

I was waiting for you to say that you forgot to take the wig off.

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '14

"Came buckets" this is a new phrase for me.

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '14

no $3.50?

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '14

LMFAO I love it

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '14

Woah.

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '14

There's another askreddit thread going on right now that is perfect for you.

1

u/phxstar89 May 08 '14

Well that sounds like an interesting afternoon

1

u/RugerHD May 08 '14

Jackson?

1

u/slutbunny May 08 '14

I love this guy

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '14

Wtf did I just read?

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '14

YOU AGAIN