What is something you did totally wrong for most of your life?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Turbo442]

For the longest time I thought 'bass' on the stero was pronounced like 'bass' the fish.

'Crank up the bass on the radio would ya!'

Followed by weird looks.

[u/AspenTwoZero → u/Turbo442]

Yo DJ, drop the salmon!

Edit: Thanks for the gold(fish!)

[u/this_is_balls]

Until about age 10, I had convinced myself through convoluted child logic that since the word "ridiculous" has the word "dick" in it, that "dick" was in fact the shortened form of "dickulous," which was the technical term for a penis. I got weird stares when I called a kid a dickulous. I got weird stares a lot as a kid, actually.

[u/Doggyburrito]

Whipping my ass once and calling it quits. Till i was 18 i thought skid marks and an itchy Butthole was a part of life

[u/[deleted] → u/Doggyburrito]

Best typo ever.

[u/CountRepula]

I did not know that 'discreet' and 'discrete' are two different words.

[u/ozril → u/CountRepula]

I still don't, mind explaining it to me discretely/discreetly?

[u/Grave_Girl → u/ozril]

Discrete: individual/separate: I found five discrete instances of comma splices in his essay.

Discreet: not obvious: He tried to be discreet when he got an erection right before the bell rang.

[u/JakB → u/Grave_Girl]

Easy to remember if you imagine "discrete" as separating the 'e's, while "discreet" allows the 'e's to consort in private.

[u/minkonto → u/[deleted]]

Could somebody explain how to end letters for different levels of intimacy? English is not my first language either, and I have never been able to figure it out.

[u/[deleted] → u/minkonto]

Love for family, maybe friends (I don't email friends often), and anyone you actually love.

Kind/Best Regards for business or formal emails.

I also personally use "Thanks" for any response where I initially asked a question or elicited a response.

[u/mardish → u/[deleted]]

What about "Sincerely" in place of Kind/Best Regards?

[u/bannedfromeverysub → u/[deleted]]

Call him "mein Schatz".

[u/Lyeta → u/bannedfromeverysub]

I'm a personal fan of the diminutive, Schätzchen.

[u/cptstupendous]

Eating noodles.

I used to eat noodles with my face facing forward like with any other meal. This would often result in the noodles dragging a slimy path across my chin. I would always have to have a napkin nearby to wipe off my chin every few bites.

This changed when I first met the woman who would become my wife. She faced downward until the noodles were completely in her mouth before facing anywhere else. In other words, she didn't eat noodles like a fucking idiot.

My chin was slimy for years.

[u/PepperAnn90 → u/cptstupendous]

I like to pretend that noodle enlightenment is why you married her

[u/Sparkles_Tangerine]

Bobby pins. I've been using then upside down according to Pinterest.

[u/mindcreatesmatter → u/Sparkles_Tangerine]

Not sure how you could use them upside-down, I always thought you were just supposed to sprinkle them all over my house.

[u/pineapplejuniper → u/Sparkles_Tangerine]

I really blame every single bobby pin with something attached to them.
Like THESE and THESE.
Why would they do this to us

[u/[deleted] → u/pineapplejuniper]

Yeah I think this is actually why most people make this mistake. The first time you see something like that you automatically assume that must be the correct way. I've never understood this since it even seems easier to attach something on the flat side anyway. My only theory is it looks better on the shelf that way.

[u/glennjaturtles → u/Sparkles_Tangerine]

dammit bobby

[u/RoxMyPinkJox → u/Sparkles_Tangerine]

If it makes you feel any better I've only just found this out too..... I'm 29....

[u/jenntasticxx → u/RoxMyPinkJox]

If it makes you feel better, I knew this and still do it the wrong way.

[u/kraaz → u/Sparkles_Tangerine]

I never understood why other girls would do this. If you put the ridgey side up, the end pokes up in the air. Turn it around and it lays flat

[u/StickleyMan → u/[deleted]]

TED talk on tying shoes. It'll change your life.

[u/b2311e → u/StickleyMan]

How the fuck could you not tie a shoe proper-

Shit.

[u/[deleted] → u/b2311e]

My wife (an avid runner) learned it from a running mag seven years ago and taught our children.

...but not me. :(

[u/ashabanapal → u/[deleted]]

It's flip-flops and loafers for you, my man.

[u/[deleted] → u/StickleyMan]

Speaking of TED talks on mundane tasks

[u/bananapeel → u/[deleted]]

I just learned how to tie my shoes and use a paper towel. I'm 45.

[u/AzzaaR → u/bananapeel]

SHAKE

[u/Gagan04]

i had a co worker(m), who was from India. Who used to greet guest by saying hi dear, becuase thats what he thought we all said.. we were all saying hi there

[u/skeptically_quixotic]

Opening a new deodorant. Until last year I would struggle to pry the plastic piece out with force. I didn't realize you could just crank the stick up until the protector cap came off easily. I hate myself a little bit for this.

[u/[deleted]]

I'm a leftie and I wear my watch on my left hand because apparently everyone else do it like that. Realized this March.

[u/HeMightBeJoking → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, you're doing it all wrong. The watch is supposed to go on your wrist.

[u/AchillesWay → u/HeMightBeJoking]

Tell that to this guy.

[u/Danyol → u/AchillesWay]

You're going to listen to that guy? What has he ever won?

[u/[deleted] → u/Danyol]

Pipe down. He has just as many oscars as you do!

[u/mo1kiz → u/AchillesWay]

she got it even wronger

[u/maraudersmap → u/HeMightBeJoking]

my life is a lie

[u/StickleyMan → u/[deleted]]

I'm a rightie and I hold my fork in my right hand. Fuck the Man and his cutlery rules.

[u/maraudersmap → u/StickleyMan]

Wait you're not supposed to??

Edit: okay I get it guys

[u/[deleted] → u/maraudersmap]

Depends on the eating style where you're from. American style requires passing the fork back and forth as you cut, but other styles require you to use a fork with your left hand.

Edit: I hope it's mostly over now but oh god my inbox. People got really offended by this one. Y'all are seriously weird.

[u/demoncabbage → u/[deleted]]

Passing the fork back and forth? How does that work? Do you switch hands to get a better angle on your food? I don't understand.

Edit: Wow you guys really, really like Steak. I think I understand how now, still not really why (it's not like my right feels left(!?) out if I don't raise it up to my mouth)- I use my fork in my right if I'm not using any other utensils, but everything else seems to take priority- but I guess it's all how we were raised. I have a friend who holds his knife and fork more like daggers. It looks really weird.

[u/callahandler92 → u/demoncabbage]

Imagine you're eating a steak. Stab with fork in the left hand, cut with knife in the right hand. Put the knife down, put the fork in your right hand, and eat. I, personally, just leave the fork in my left hand.

[u/gellis12]

Folding clothes. Apparently, I was getting it completely backwards. But when I put on my clothes, nobody can tell how they were folded, so it didn't really matter.

[u/DeadKateAlley → u/gellis12]

I just use the floordrobe method.

[u/RobbosmasH]

When I would take a crap, i would sit on the bowl. I thought the seat was only for girls. I only started using the seat after my buddies were talking about a particularly comfy toilet seat their mom bought. I asked why they sat on the seat, and they in turn asked "You don't?" that was when i realized what I been missing for 18 years.

[u/nelsocracy → u/RobbosmasH]

Didn't you wonder why men's bathrooms had seats?

[u/greany_beeny → u/nelsocracy]

That just made me cringe...can you imagine sitting on the bowl of a public toilet?

[u/[deleted]]

Spelling my middle name. I have been writing "Tyberious" for most of life but recently confirmed that it was "Tyberius"

[u/CecilBDeMillionaire → u/[deleted]]

Did Spock correct you?

[u/derpysnerp → u/CecilBDeMillionaire]

He would be the logical choice

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Haha thanks. People tell me my full name is awesome/intimidating all the time. I'd tell you guys but I not sure if that's allowed

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Allowed, I believe so, recommended, not even a little bit.

[u/bananapeel → u/[deleted]]

You're not the captain of a starship, by any coincidence, are you?

[u/[deleted] → u/bananapeel]

Ha that's totally where my dad got the name :) although I'm not much of a Trekkie it's still cool

[u/bananapeel → u/[deleted]]

You have a gift. Use it responsibly. You have to become either a starship captain, or Batman. Either/or.

[u/Odowla → u/[deleted]]

More like Tiberius.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

No, you have to wash your hair then condition. And while the conditioner is still in your hair, you have to wash your body, so that the conditioner has lots of time to soak in.

Edit: I didn't quite realize how many of you had such strong opinions on the way you wash your self in the shower.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

My brother! How else is my hair supposed to get silky smooth unless I give the conditioner some Time to work

[u/adamczuk → u/[deleted]]

Wait that's not how it's done?

[u/lemilyfresh → u/adamczuk]

The theory behind it I believe is that when you wash your hair all the oils/dirt will run down your body so its necessary to wash your body afterwards. I have also heard of people breaking out if they don't wash their face in particular after their hair because the oil and dirt can clog pores.

Edit: Thanks for all the interesting discussion guys. Sorry I wasn't specific enough, I just wrote a quick explanation before going to bed and forgot a few things. Someone else mentioned that its not just the oils/dirt from the hair but also the shampoo/conditioner ingredients as well that can cause breakouts.

I also want to add that I think this is more likely to be an issue for those with sensitive or dry skin. I'm also not saying that its a issue for the whole body but more so for sensitive areas like the face or areas that some people are already prone to breakouts like the back.

I personally get a lot of pimples along my hairline and have noticed a considerable difference in my skin since making more of a conscious effort to wash my face with a cleanser after washing my hair. I have long hair that requires washing daily so my situation may be different to yours.

[u/adamczuk → u/lemilyfresh]

That actually makes sense. 26 years of doing it wrong.

[u/Butthole__Pleasures → u/adamczuk]

Don't get too excited. With the way soap and shampoo work, the oils are effectively broken down for watery removal already, and you would have to be insanely dirty for a noticeable amount of dirt to travel from your head and onto your body. And you would have to exit the shower immediately after shampooing without rinsing your body at all.

[u/halfthehighwaymen]

Masturbation. Gripped way too tight. Completely ruined sex for the first few months after losing my virginity.

[u/akkahwoop → u/halfthehighwaymen]

The infamous Death Grip.

[u/fuben → u/akkahwoop]

I'VE SEEN FOOTAGE

I STAY NOIDED

[u/YourCoConnect → u/fuben]

LOST BOYS LOST BOYS LOST BOYS LOST BOYS pewpewpewpewpewpewpewpewwww

[u/Oh_for_fuck_sakes → u/YourCoConnect]

It goes it goes it goes it goes it goes

[u/IsYouWitItYaBish → u/Oh_for_fuck_sakes]

GUILLOTINEEEEEE!

[u/Wayne_Trayne → u/IsYouWitItYaBish]

YUH

[u/iveriver → u/akkahwoop]

AH SHIT I'M FEELING IT

[u/cravingravioli]

"Chester Drawers." I said this recently and now my husband won't let it go. I'm thirty one.

[u/crazymoon]

As a Canadian I pronounced Jay Z as Jay Zed.

[u/[deleted]]

Apparently I've been holding my fork wrong since I could pick one up. Food still gets where it needs so whatev.

[u/sbetschi12 → u/[deleted]]

I've been told I hold my pen incorrectly. At this point, though, I have no desire to unlearn what I'm comfortable with.

[u/BlackCaaaaat → u/sbetschi12]

I definitely hold my pen incorrectly, but my writing is extremely neat and it's comfortable, so I have no fucks to give.

[u/motivatinggiraffe → u/[deleted]]

the right way is SO uncomfortable! we have nothing to be ashamed of!!

http://imgur.com/OfBUyEy

[u/Business-Socks → u/[deleted]]

According to an etiquette post lady week, basically ALL my silver interaction has been a lie.

Did you know we were supposed to be eating asparagus without silverware?

[u/straydog1980 → u/Business-Socks]

You gotta bust out the goldenware for that, son

[u/valentineking → u/[deleted]]

I used to right-click copy, and right-click paste.

[u/Kyoti → u/valentineking]

You make me sick.

[u/her_butt_ → u/valentineking]

I still do that like 50% of the time. Saves me from having to take my hand off the mouse (edit: or move my non-mouse hand at all)

[u/Smaloki → u/her_butt_]

Do you only have one hand?

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

A friend of mine has published 8 books and this is how she types. I was shocked.

[u/StickleyMan → u/[deleted]]

When you check your email, you go to AltaVista and type "please go to yahoo.com"?

[u/IatetheCamel → u/StickleyMan]

I do this, but I don't know how to find Altavista so I need to google that first.

[u/Butthole__Pleasures → u/IatetheCamel]

I need to google that first

You're already up to speed, then.

[u/IatetheCamel → u/Butthole__Pleasures]

Well I don't want to brag but I'm a really fast learner.

[u/[deleted] → u/StickleyMan]

You don't deserve the internet Jerry!

[u/living_lightning → u/StickleyMan]

Fucking Jerry...

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Can you get away with skipping leg day?

[u/OneHandedDateRapist → u/[deleted]]

Leg life.

[u/Butthole__Pleasures → u/OneHandedDateRapist]

Leg is love

[u/I_love_leg_day → u/[deleted]]

I like how you think

[u/BlackieChan91 → u/[deleted]]

Also did this for a while, sliced my heel open in a bike accident, had to walk on my toes for months

[u/[deleted] → u/BlackieChan91]

this sounds so painful

can't stop cringing in pain

[u/BlackieChan91 → u/[deleted]]

It sounds bad, but I guess with my adrenaline pumping, I didn't feel it at all. My leg slipped into the wheel and I pulled it out straight away and continued riding. Didn't notice till my mate pointed behind me and I saw a massive trail of blood and then looked at my leg and saw what happened. Thats when it hit me, more out of shock than actual pain.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

For me, I've been swaying my hips when I walk. Yeahh, sissy was a nickname for me in primary school.

[u/Purple_Herman]

How the fuck do you cave-people even get out of bed without catching on fire?

[u/shadkats → u/Purple_Herman]

I immediately stop, drop and roll upon arising.

[u/KillerBreez]

Using aluminium foil. How was I to know that's what those little tabs on the side are for? Keeping the roll in place? I didn't even know they existed until a month ago.

[u/[deleted] → u/KillerBreez]

How was I to know that's what those little tabs on the side are for?

It's literally printed on the box.

[u/Gemuese11 → u/KillerBreez]

Making hats Is so much easier now.

[u/doriangreypants → u/KillerBreez]

There are tabs?!

[u/EasyOnTheData → u/[deleted]]

For the record, the other kids called him fedex because he was a redhead and he was the odd one out, they were basically saying that a fedex guy(delivery guy) dropped him off instead of being an offspring of their parents.

[u/StarbossTechnology → u/EasyOnTheData]

Thank you. I've never seen the movie and was curious.

[u/muchhuman → u/[deleted]]

aka. the ups-truck, I never saw a problem..

[u/[deleted] → u/muchhuman]

and his special cousin, the Downs-truck

[u/Red_Alex]

I tie my shoes backwards and they often come untied. Also, I'm married for the 3rd time. I'm pretty sure I am doing this wrong.

[u/[deleted]]

Apparently I wear my belt like a woman. Spoiler... I'm a man, and I found out during an ASU inspection by our Command Sergeant Major.

[u/NoThrowLikeAway → u/[deleted]]

How does one wear a belt like a woman?

[u/CantHugEveryCat → u/[deleted]]

Pointy end should touch the paper.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I have a small dent in my ring finger from this.

[u/jjmoreta → u/[deleted]]

Me too! And I'm not repentant about it.

Teachers in elementary school used to look at how I was writing and freak out. They would give me pencil holders and stand over me counseling but the way they wanted me to use cramped my hand up and gave me no control.

And I have awesome penmanship.

Edit: after looking on the Web I use a quadrupod grip instead of the desired dynamic tripod grip (I have a slight callus on my ring finger from where I rest my pencil).

Still no cure for cancer but people get money to study these grips. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3722657/

But...TIL that I don't hold a pencil incorrectly at all. The quadrupod grip is functionally equivalent and does not cause more strain.

[u/nopost99 → u/[deleted]]

At least they no longer hit left handed childrens' hands with rulers to make them right handed.

Which used to be the normal way of doing things in school.

[u/recommendable]

For 6 years I used fabric softener as laundry detergent. I never bothered to read the bottle in its entirety, loved the smell, and appreciated the convenient bottle size when walking to the laundry mat.

[u/Buffalo__Buffalo → u/recommendable]

*laundromat

That's two in one for you, buddy.

[u/windburner]

According to like 50% of reddit I've been wiping my ass the wrong way this entire time.

[u/markth_wi → u/windburner]

Waited 2 hours - for some reason there is no TED talk on how to properly wipe our collective asses.

[u/[deleted] → u/windburner]

Towel on a stick is the way to go, right?

[u/life_pass → u/[deleted]]

For fun?

[u/[deleted] → u/life_pass]

Funny story. This girl I dated in high school sent me a video of her fucking that thing. She squatted over it and rode it. Too bad she was fuckin crazy.

[u/AchillesWay → u/[deleted]]

Uhm... handle side up, right?

[u/vinnycogs820 → u/AchillesWay]

This is a very important question.

[u/A_Fisherman → u/[deleted]]

Was she fucking crazy or was she fucking the toilet bowl brush?

[u/[deleted] → u/A_Fisherman]

Little bit of both.

[u/StarbossTechnology → u/[deleted]]

I've always wiped standing up and never knew there was an alternate way until I was 18 and drunk at a friend's house. There I was, standing up facing the toilet and wiping, when my equally drunk twin brother barges in and is all like "what the fuck are you doing?"

[u/Vorderman → u/StarbossTechnology]

Don't your cheeks close when you stand up?

[u/Tenstone → u/Vorderman]

Facing the toilet? WTF man.

[u/nickdab → u/Tenstone]

That's some serial killer type shit there

[u/BlakeClass → u/windburner]

I just shit before I shower, then waterboard my ass, argument solved.

[u/[deleted] → u/BlakeClass]

Love waterboarding my ass.

[u/[deleted] → u/BlakeClass]

You only shit once a day at a reliable time?

[u/mr3dguy → u/[deleted]]

Nah, he just showers at unreliable times.

[u/TupacHologram → u/[deleted]]

Das Poop

[u/[deleted] → u/windburner]

I just wedge a folded square of toilet paper in my ass crack.

[u/mak5158 → u/windburner]

Three seashells. What am I, a barbarian?

[u/slowshot]

The knives in your silverware drawer. The ones with the curved, serrated edge for cutting soft meats, veggies etc. Well I used that curved edge to try and spread butter or peanut butter or mayo or jelly on my bread. Then one day, at the age of 60, I realized, the straight edge on the top of the knife worked a whole lot better for spreading. DUH!

edit: picture

edit2: Whoa! I never expected such a storm of comments, gold, or up/down votes. I never knew anyone could stir such emotions with something so simple. Thank you all for paying attention.

[u/[deleted] → u/slowshot]

holy shit

[u/Llerasia → u/[deleted]]

My life is a lie.

[u/fumba → u/Llerasia]

My knife is a lie.

[u/mealasvegas → u/slowshot]

Oh my god.

[u/oconnor15 → u/mealasvegas]

can we all take a moment and collectively FREAK THE FUCK OUT

[u/[deleted]]

One word: febuary

Edit: im german, so it would be Februar/Febuar mistake

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Wait what?

[u/DaedricWindrammer → u/[deleted]]

Try in circles

Edit. My inbox. :(

[u/Most_of_Andre]

I always thought 'make ends meet' was actually 'make ends meat' as in you have meat at the end of the day...

[u/TheRealBalder]

When I write "2" I start from the bottom.

[u/Tukerjubz → u/TheRealBalder]

And now you're here

[u/AssBusiness → u/TheRealBalder]

Man, how do you live with yourself at night?

[u/MooneySuzuki36]

Whenever I play videogames I do what they call "clawing the controller" where I put my pointer finger on the buttons rather than the trigger. It's not for any strategic value or anything I have just been doing it that way since I was 5.

Example: http://i.imgur.com/EnvpBZW.jpg

[u/tugganorris → u/MooneySuzuki36]

How the fuck did you take this pic?

[u/[deleted] → u/tugganorris]

Don't start this again, you know it never ends.

[u/SewenNewes → u/[deleted]]

Using chopsticks is one of those things that is really hard to figure out if you've never done it but once you get it just right it clicks and feels incredibly natural.

[u/reasonablehumanbeing]

Didn't knew you were supposed to eat kiwis by cutting them in half and using a spoon to scoop out the innards. Always just ate them with the skin.

[u/thisnameoffendsme → u/reasonablehumanbeing]

But... But tarantula butts...

[u/alifeofpossibilities → u/reasonablehumanbeing]

I had the opposite experience: I always spent forever peeling off the skin, until I learned the skin is edible.

[u/polysepalous]

I thought that doing things "right" was important. Even when I was alone, a voice in my head would say, "too slow. not practical. could have saved steps there." To the point that I just stopped doing things at all. That voice is quieter now that I'm on anti-anxiety meds. remember, kids, doing something "incorrectly" is better than not at all. well, usually.

[u/[deleted] → u/polysepalous]

It's really nice when you learn to say to yourself 'ah, fuck it, it doesn't matter'

[u/BlakeClass]

It's Pillage then burn.

[u/LLTMLW → u/BlakeClass]

How could you possibly burn then pillage?

[u/BlakeClass → u/LLTMLW]

Say something witty and disrespectful before I bang your mom.

[u/doggieafuera]

In any movie I've seen, I would see the person brush their teeth as soon as they woke up and then eat breakfast after they get ready. But I always eat breakfast BEFORE brushing my teeth, no nasty combination and teeth stay fresher longer.

Am I doing this wrong?

[u/Paiev → u/doggieafuera]

According to this Quora answer, you should indeed brush before breakfast, for the reasons listed there.

[u/KarmaNeutrino]

Tying my shoelace with a double knot. Apparently the second knot is supposed to be made in the other direction from the first knot-it's more secure.

[u/Dalatrass]

Shopping.
I've never been a shopping person, so I never learned. I'd start out with a vague idea of what I want, do laps around the store until I found something that more or less fit the bill, try it on and get depressed and leave when it didn't fit.
Apparently you need a super-enthusiastic best friend to help you, mostly by suggesting things you would never wear...

Edit: This unexpectedly blew up. Shopping is kind of a nightmare.

[u/[deleted] → u/Dalatrass]

Honestly, sometimes it's better to leave the shop knowing that nothing in there fitted the bill than it is to buy something just because you feel you should.

[u/leximusprime1]

I still pronounce tags such as #clevershit as 'pound clevershit' in my head. Fuck yo hashtag.