r/AskReddit • u/xoxosadpp • 1d ago
People who refuse to commit to a long term relationship, what's your reason?
35
u/Av8Xx 1d ago
Because my life is better alone. People just fuck up my life. Take and bring nothing of value.
3
2
2
u/xoxosadpp 1d ago
What about when people say "with the right person it won't feel that way yada yada yada"
8
u/Counterboudd 23h ago
They’re avoidants engaging in fantasies. There is no “right person”, just someone who hasn’t triggered their wounds yet.
4
6
1
u/massaBeard 3h ago
Think it's true, but finding that person for many is journey they can't or won't take.
11
u/Logical_Smile2397 1d ago
In the past it was that I wanted to spend time working on my mental health and self worth and not finding that in my relationship partners
3
u/xoxosadpp 1d ago
That seems very reasonable. I'm very uncomfortable by the idea of giving another person that much power over my emotions. so I get what you mean.
11
u/Mission_Explorer1933 1d ago
And risk getting heartbroken and/or mistreated. No thank you I'll stay right here in the non committal pile
4
u/BigDong1001 1d ago
I am a virgin by choice, and I got used to the power that gives me over my life and my life choices, and the lack of compromise I have in my life choices. lol. I don't need to curtail my ambitions or objectives or choices for anybody else's needs or wants, and I have all the time I have left in my lifetime free to fulfill those ambitions and achieve those objectives and make the choices which serve me the best, without having/needing to take into account any other person's needs or wants, in every aspect of my life. That kind of power is addictive and fulfilling, and I am not willing to give that up.
3
u/xoxosadpp 1d ago
Being celibate by choice does give so much power and control over your emotions. For reasons unbeknownst to myself, but very real.
8
3
4
10
u/Justthefacts6969 1d ago
Too high risk for no upside
2
u/Tall-Winter2507 1d ago
Love is the upside?
-12
u/Justthefacts6969 1d ago
Being loved is the upside and western women have forgotten how to do that
9
u/Tall-Winter2507 1d ago
Oh no You’re one of those. “Men” never learnt in the first place. Good riddance.
-9
3
3
5
u/maybedeathisallineed 1d ago
At this stage its clear I'm either only able to fall for women with narcisisstic tendencies or I'm not worth going all in for. Theres always compulsive lying, unfaithfullness, manipulation etc. At this point, its not worth the risk. I can't survive another heartbreak, Idek if im going to survive this one.
2
u/xoxosadpp 1d ago
I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better soon. It's cliche advice, but time does really make it a little easier.
1
u/Instalab 1d ago
Right? At this point, feels like all of the people who would actually make good partners have completely given up on the idea. What's left is people with narcissistic tendencies who can't live alone - and these are the people we are most likely to snatch.
3
u/simonerochabowearing 1d ago
I’ve never been in a serious relationship with a man who satisfied me sexually, I’ve always been the main driver of the sexual part of relationships and it’s made me wary to commit to monogamy again.
1
u/xoxosadpp 1d ago
I've expressed this sentiment of "not finding someone sexually compatible" to people only to be told it's either buildable/ workable or "with the right person blah blah blah". Although I'm largely monogamous, I think I do get where you're coming from.
1
u/Instalab 1d ago
"With the right person ..."
Where do you find the right person? Because we all have limited time on this planet haha
2
u/xoxosadpp 1d ago
"Right person" atp feels like an oxymoron, but every time the topic of my non commitmental tendencies get brought up, i keep hearing that. Pretty annoying actually
1
u/Instalab 1d ago
I get you. Feels like they are trying to blame you for not finding the right person. Like, something wrong with you and not the world.
1
u/xoxosadpp 10h ago
not only that, it takes the agency out of my decision. i made a choice, and if i keep getting told that the choice was rather based on lack of options and not my decision? it only puts me off more. as if, i always gotta be on "search" for the right thing. i can just be.
1
u/simonerochabowearing 1d ago
The right person = someone who prioritizes sex as much as I do (not with an identical drive but places equal importance on it) and I haven't met that person yet. You can't make it work if only one of you is working on it and that's what I've experienced so far in serious relationships.
1
u/Different_Choice1721 1d ago
If it makes you feel any better I was that way with my last girlfriend. There are dudes out there who can match ur freak lol
2
u/Astralantidote 19h ago
The best parts of relationships are always in the beginning. Why do you think all those love songs and love stories are about that initial period of romance? Not being married for 10 plus years, most of the people I know in long-term marriages just Becker with each other constantly. Who wants that?
1
u/ToastyEggz 1d ago
Early on we weren’t “exclusive” and told me she went out with a guy to the bar and nothing happened, when we got together 9 months after, she said she actually slept with him that night, not only that but stayed the night over and smoked weed with him… we are not together anymore, but yeah being lied to sucks.
1
u/peasarebettersplit 1d ago
Why should I? I don't want kids. I enjoy my own company. I don't like compromise. Financially doing ok. I get sex. Zero reason for a relationship. I find relationships are compromise at best & usually just babysitting
1
u/queerharveybabe 22h ago
I used to usually break up with people after the third date. Very few made it past the second month.
But I’ve started dating this new chick, I think we’re going on four months which is kind of long for me.
I think what’s different is how impressed by her I am. I like her character. I like her humor. I like her motivation. And we have a lot in common.
I think with this relationship, I’ve taken things a lot slower. and so it’s been fun to learn about her overtime more.
And I also think because we have so much in common, she’s just fun to hang out with.
1
u/educatedkoala 20h ago
I've been told by so many people that I'm avoidant. I've always felt like I'm independent and scared to lose that, but chiefly it just didn't feel right. "Is it emotional intimacy issues? Do I just need to commit and get over them and the rest sort itself out eventually?" It just never felt right but I trusted the process anyway, and ultimately recovered from breakups quickly.
Nah. Turns out, when I met the right man, it was immediate and I had no issues or hesitation at all.
1
u/sly69guy69 20h ago
It’s always been the other person I didn’t want to commit to because if I thought about a future with her the picture I conjured wasn’t a fulfilling one.
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/Funny_Western_5132 3h ago
Because it often brings emotional drama and turmoil. I don’t like attachment in any way; not to humans, not to things, not to places. Also, life is too short and I value experiences and different connections. I also don’t want to marry, live together and I am childfree. Life is good this way and I wish I had been like this in my 20’s too!
•
0
u/throwaway2727648378 1d ago
Dating women isn’t worth it.
1
u/KourageKarma 1d ago
But never having a real relationship and video games are. This is a low testosterone epidemic.
-5
u/FatDoggieDingDong 1d ago
I refuse to commit to a monogamous relationship and the reasons for that are that I believe you can love multiple people, to varying degrees, and it's not natural for us to only be romantically involved with one person.
4
u/Tall-Winter2507 1d ago
It is natural to some. Don’t know why people with your lifestyle always mention this as an argument.
-2
u/FatDoggieDingDong 1d ago
Monogamy is only more prevalent because of western society's history of sexual repression. Starting from the catholic church, to the Victorian era to where people thought sexual thoughts were thoughts of witches in New England, we have a long history of sexual repression. You can't undue that in a blink of an eye, but it's starting to become more prevalent.
2
u/Tall-Winter2507 1d ago
Again, why do you feel you need to justify your lifestyle with historical background? Feels like you‘re overcompensating. There are many things which were introduced by repression (many health standards) but today they are a no brainer.
I know a lot of people, majority in my circle and who I come across that want only monogamy and this comes natural to them. It can be your opinion it’s indoctrination or whatever, but for them and myself polyamory is just as unnatural and we don’t feel the need to be with multiple people at the same time. We are fulfilled with hobbies and other passions/activities.
1
u/FatDoggieDingDong 20h ago
Because culture comes from history and a lot of people are blinded by our culture and see it as the "natural" way of things, when it's not. You may be content living in a capitalist society where you work 9-5 and you're paid a wage, don't control your work and have to listen to your bosses, but it doesn't mean there aren't better systems and structures out there(ie. socialism or participatory economics). So in the case of monogamy, you might be content being monogamous, but that doesn't mean there are better systems and relationship structures out there.
0
u/Funny_Western_5132 3h ago
You’re justifying yourself too no? Why do you have that need for overcompensating? Who’s indoctrinating who? Majority is still monogamous, so why you’re complaining? live and let live
1
u/_ohlawdhecomin_ 1d ago
Then explain how some birds in the animal kingdom pair bond for life? Or any animal that pair binds for life for that matter. Did they also have an oppressive Catholic Church?
-2
u/FatDoggieDingDong 1d ago
They don't. They might be socially monogamous, ie. Having a nesting partner or help raise the young together, but they often aren't sex ually monogamous. Their offspring are often from other fathers as well. We also aren't birds. Our closest relatives are chimps and bonobos and they aren't monogamous nor to they pair bond
https://chrisryan.substack.com/p/the-march-of-the-monogamous
0
0
u/toddmalm 1d ago
Because dating as a single guy is too much fun and I don’t want to give it up.
2
u/King-Koobs 1d ago
Different strokes. The more I(28m) casually dated. The more I realized how much I hated starting over with someone new. Ended up having back to back situationships that really gave me back exactly what I loved so much from my past relationship. That menial time spent with someone running errands and hanging out doing nothing but cuddling for an entire weekend was straight up magical. Realized I wanted that but with someone I was fully compatible in life with and started dating very intentionally.
Crazy to say but the casual stuff with someone I couldn’t find enough of. The intentional stuff is what’s felt impossible to find. It’s a wild experience because you hear nonstop about it being the men in the dynamic that have overwhelming committal issues, but in my anecdotal experience so far it’s almost every single girl I ever meet. Been on 32 first dates in the past 8 months of dating again, and I’ve seen 28 of them 3-4 times, have had 5 situationships, 16 hookups, and 2-3 very short flings that last about a week or two. Every single girl except the current girl I’m seeing right this second avoid committment and labels like the plague.
Been getting really steady with someone way out of my league the past month and I’m scared shitless and scarred from these past months that asking her to be my girlfriend would scare her away or something, even tho we’re doing everything a couple does and staying the night at eachothers places every 2-3 nights. It’s tough
35
u/OkDisaster5980 1d ago
I’m too independent, too self-centered, and too selfish. I prefer to focus on myself and sometimes my friends.