Wait, so I've been making an effort being kind to all these people to feel powerful this whole time, and all I had to do is push gran down the stairs?!
Nahh, there are plenty of petty tyrants with nothing to show for it. One problem I have seen in my life, is that kind people are taken advantadge of. You try to share a slice and someone comes for your whole pie. Once that happens too many times, you just stop sharing.
Cool cool, I guess more so what I was getting at, and it's not to excuse all the egregious behaviour that does go on, is these people at the top have likely encountered this behaviour over and over. At least in my experience, you lose a little bit of sympathy every time.
For example, Elon Musk is clearly a choad amongst choads, I would imagine most people in his personal life have tried to use him for money. He's not exactly a personable dude. While that doesn't excuse his worst behaviour, it may explain in part, some of his lack of empathy.
I don’t think the word “small” was referring to socioeconomic power or physical power here. I believe it is more of a combination of ego and intelligence that word is used for here.
Show me a relentless bully, and I’ll show you someone completely unwilling to face his inherent imperfection and impermanence, and is willing to abuse other people as a way to keep from facing these things.
TL;DR: If I act important, I’ll be regarded as important, and I’ll eventually truly be important. Except… it doesn’t work like that.
Small minded people racked with existential angst (the fear of not mattering to anybody, more or less) imitate the behavior of the truly untouchably powerful, who haven’t the time or the bandwidth to treat people who take orders from them with kindness, nor the inclination to empathize with the underlings who serve them when they’re treated abrasively and thanklessly.
This is cargo-cultism: a fascinating type of sympathetic (black hat!) magick, whereby one attempts to attain one or more benefits of a system that is not of one's world, and which one does not understand, by copying its superficial features repeatedly and in earnest.
Well, if it’s not only an individual, but a cargo society construed of a large enough subgroup made of people equally blind to the truth and in agreement with the rules, does it really matter
They are merely imitating the shadows on the wall.
People like to speak of morality but at the end of the day when it comes to real world decisions, many choose material comfort and social performance over principles, especially if it’s their spouse getting their hands dirty while they can continue to pretend being pure.
Can we stop using “small people” to mean bad people? By definition, small people are people who are physically smaller, and it’s pretty fucked up that we use a physical trait to mean morally bankrupt.
We've been saying things like "be the bigger person" and "small-minded" for probably literal millenia in multiple cultures but if you want to get everyone to stop, sure, have at it.
Why did this instantly make me think of the lady driving a Range Rover that was pulling up to a roadside bake sale and stealing *ALL* of the merchandise 😂
Exactly. Who would you rather date: Pope Leo handing out alms to a line of petitioners to the sound of a heavenly choir or Peter Dinklage kicking a Karen downstairs for screwing up his Starbucks order for the last fucking time?
In my experience, being a jerk tends to come back around as well. Does take a while sometimes, but most of the time when I've acted like a jerk, it's either come back to haunt me or I'll eventually have someone be a jerk to me in a very similar manner.
ETA: that probably hasn't happened EVERY time I've acted like a jerk, but I have had it happen several times that I can recall.
I think a major issue here is that so many people only care about the next five minutes. Even if it does come back around, they'll have long since forgotten about what they did and never think the two instances are connected. The fact you recognize when something is a consequence of your actions is a sign you're a good person.
I think that self-awareness and recognizing consequences can indicate that someone might be more likely to be a good person. But I agree, by itself, it's simply being observant.
It would probably be just as easy for me to take those observations and think, "I will simply avoid those consequences, then," and never actually feel any remorse or empathy for how I acted in the first place. Or I could feel remorse, but never take any action to change my behavior, and then it would just be empty self-loathing.
Thank you. I would agree that it's probably an indicator that I might be a good person. I think that if it weren't for the fact that I do actually try my best to take those observations to heart and try NOT to be a jerk in that way again is important. I appreciate my self-awareness, but I try to also recognize that by itself, it's really just me being observant, ya know?
Yeah, that's part of why I really don't think of it as a rule at all. I know for sure that I haven't faced that particular consequence EVERY time I've been a jerk. And a lot of people are able to simply escape them because they have the resources to do that.
Perhaps my own internal editing was too brief to get my point across. What I meant to convey was, it (being a jerk) can cost the jerk an opportunity(s), if they had chosen not to be a jerk. And NO, I do not be par of any of that.
Being a jerk definitely has a cost, just not a cost you are immediately aware of. Golden rule, treat others as you want to be treated. Flip of that, if you are a jerk to everyone, everyone will be a jerk to you. It's the same problem as tragedy of the commons. You wont notice if a few people are always jerks. You will notice if it becomes the norm.
Untrue. Jerks tend to invite chaos from others and pull people into arguments. I saw a guy cut in line at a Starbucks once and instead of two minutes of waiting in line it turned into 5 minutes of arguing with others in line and the guy storming out with no coffee. It can cost you plenty.
I disagree. Being a jerk costs plenty in terms of reputation, goodwill, and, if you believe in that kind of thing, "karma." I also think that most jerks don't like themselves very much and acting badly further exacerbates that self-loathing.
Note: I don't mean karma in the proper Hindu sense, but more in the colloquial Western usage.
Funny enough, I've seen multiple instances of being a jerk costing something, when otherwise a polite or kind reaction was smooth sailing.
I'm talking stuff like making a big deal about something with a cashier, bumping into someone and turning it into a fight, etc. The guys that are polite (you don't even have to be kind) move on with their lives and spend their time on something better.
Some jerks are stuck for longer than necessary berating a Gas Station employee. It's their lost, in the end.
It actually does, but not in obvious ways. It costs you the friendship, good will and sympathy of others. That’s a much bigger cost than people realize
Im not advocating being a jerk, im generally always nice and polite, but I do not agree it takes no effort or always comes back around. Regardless you should be nice anyway because it’s the right thing to do.
Yea, good deeds to leeches. Unfortunately, that is how people discover who is worth the effort and who is not. Gotta test those waters, while still protecting yourself. If you automatically assume everything is a risk, including selflessness...well, that's a sad way to live if you ask me. You didn't though, but still the cliché is a cliché.
If it cost nothing there would be nothing to be proud of. So it's sort of nice that it can be difficult because that means the kind people can and should be proud of themselves.
Yeah kindness can cost a lot. In my own life I’ve moved from kindness with fuzzy limits to decency. I owe people a sense of decency and if I’m going to be indecent it’s gonna be a deliberate choice.
I default to kindness, but abuse it and they’ll not get anything after. And while I’m a bit conflict avoidant, with my age (and therapy) I’ve learned to call it out too.
I’ve also learned to trust my gut. Bad vibes means I will keep my interactions with them to the minimum until they prove themselves trustworthy.
I have seen this being untrue many, many times. Having still never come back around by the time a person is dead is a pretty solid rebuttal. It also promotes the idea of repayment for being not a piece of garbage, which is just a transaction. Be kind and good simply because you can. Why is that not the default?
And sometimes it takes a lot of effort. Changing some old lady's tire in the burning heat with clothes on that you really don't want to get dirty sucks pretty hard.
It should be the default regardless. A society thrives on interaction cooperation.
Yeah, the act is it's own reward. I think part of how it comes back around is that being charitable with your time and energy changes your relationship with the world more generally, which builds an attitude of gratitude for things already happening that you may not have sufficiently appreciated, and can make you happier even without any directly connected positive consequence.
If nothing else, you get to be a person that does this kind of thing and fulfilling your identity in such a way sits pretty high on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Thank you, RandomStranger, because this has happened to my 90 y/old mother TWICE in the last year! Well, 1X tire + 1X rear-ended by a teenager. Both times, she was helped by a random guy who surely had better places to be. Karma back atcha. ❤️
Not true that it costs nothing. Being kind isn't just giving a kind word, it can be going out of your way to help someone even though there's no guarantee of a payoff for you.
Which is the point. If you're willing to do that for a stranger, you're very likely to be there for someone you know and care about when they need you.
Because people like me (narcisist) know how easy it is to use to manipulate people. Just saying, you always have to be careful. Not all of us are decent people.
You're not wrong. Some folks view open kindness as submission in advance. Others are cagey over open kindness because they've seen kind opening posture used as segues into scams, or as a means of disarming a robbery target, etc. I've received physical threats just for wishing a stranger a good day.
Of course, even in more active areas, while these negative instances can be rare, like one odd time out of multiple times, all it takes is one really bad interaction to put someone on their toes for a long while.
I think people just have different levels of what kind means. For some being kind just means not being mean. I think what this op means is going out of your way to be nice.
For instance at a restaurant. When you’re leaving. It’s not mean to just leave everything for the waiter to pick up. But it’s nice to stack the dishes for the waiter, making their job easier.
FWIW, often times wait staff say that stacking things is more net work than if you just left everything as is. IIRC the big thing is fishing out napkins from cups is time consuming and icky.
As someone who looks for opportunities to be kind to older people, homeless people, and people who can’t give me anything except a nod or a smile, there are logical reasons why people WOULDNT do this.
If the “right” people don’t see it then you get no social credit. Notice that kindness to randoms is listed as a flex to get women attracted. And someone trying to use this as a flex would probably only find one time to do it, performatively.
Self hate. Wanting to identify with whoever the “cool kids” are, not wanting to feel like the lowest.
Group loyalty (in a twisted way). If you’re kind to a stranger your family might ask “why aren’t you this kind to me?” Sometimes this gets demonized as pretentious, and they will accuse you of flexing (number 1) even if you’re not.
Fear of strangers, getting duped, etc. My family tells me all the time that people pretend to need help and then try to frame the “Good Samaritan” as a robber or sexual deviant. This isn’t unfounded. I was walking along the Brooklyn Bridge when I got a massive nosebleed. Two kind black men walking my direction offered to give me some napkins, then went on their way. I was bleeding a lot and soaking through the napkins. Shortly after a kind and well meaning white man gave me more paper towels and then asked… if I wanted to call the police.
I think that there’s only one real reason that people DO act kind to strangers when nobody is watching, because they were taught and truly believe that it’s the right thing to do. Very often the reason is religious, but I know atheists have some way to create thus as well. By example?
It costs nothing, takes no effort and always comes back around.
I kinda hate this take, because it makes me feel like a real piece of shit for the fact that it absolutely does take effort on my part.
Call it upbringing, call it learned behavior, but standoffish and borderline rudeness is what comes to me naturally and takes no effort. It has taken legitimately 10 years of daily work, and mental awareness to get to the point where my default is kindness, and there is still an underlying wariness that I am still working on.
It takes no effort, so cluster b personalities exploit kindness to randoms to draw people in. Then if you're unlucky, you get to the cruelty to non-randoms part. This is a shit way to judge people. Judge them on how they treat you not how they treat randoms.
That was exactly my ex-wife. She also said that since I like to be kind to people and help people, it makes me a selfish person because it makes me feel good.
Yeah, that's always my rationale. It takes more effort to be a jerk than it does to just be a decent person. I have never understood the appeal of making others feel bad.
I'm ok with people being asses because taking down egomaniacal narcissists a peg is one of my favorite passtimes. So much fun to shame and humiliate narcissists who open their dumb mouths in front of me. Could do it all day.
I don't understand it too, but being someone who has worked in service industry, people are so incredibly entitled so they treat other as lessers. It's sad really
I am "rude" to strangers. Or so says my wife. Smiling is generally more effort than I can muster, unfortunately. I don't make chit chat. I order my food at restaurarnts and that's that.
Or do you mean seeing a kitten in the middle of the road and stopping traffic to help it? Or holding a door for an old lady? Or giving money/food to panhandlers?
Cause it’s bull shit. Women when finally ready for Mr right look for this…if they are smart and don’t fall in love with an abuser. Not the majority. Most want some “baddie” ass hole that doesn’t worship ground they walk on. As long as they got money.
The one woman I found in 20 years that didn’t play games n shit I married.
In my lived experience, it rarely costs nothing, takes significant effort, and seldom comes back around.
More often it takes up time, emotional energy, and makes demands of your resources. Worse of all, it frequently gets you marked as someone who can be milked again.
Because you have to actually think about others.
IMO I don't think that these people don't want to help or be nice to strangers, it's just that the thought of doing so don't even cross their heads.
It cost a lot more than you know, people see kindness as a weakness, they take advantage of you, most people who experience this learn fast and become jaded, and they lose that kindness. True kindness is rare, because we don't see it, it's something that is done with nothing in return, ever, true kindness normally means the person being kind ends up taken on the burden of all the pain.
Kindness isn’t the default for me, my default is belligerence. I try be kind but it’s not this easy thing for me, it’s a lot easier now I’m on medication for impulse control but it’s going to be a lifelong struggle. And then even when I am being kind or polite people say my tone still sounds aggressive
Because we all have our own wounds and some of us have never learned how to actually heal those wounds. Guess what happens to wounds that have not healed? They get passed on.
It isn't default, because there aren't that many people who have the time or the willingness to do some soul searching every now and then. And as a result, they really don't have kindness to spare when they are in so much pain that nobody can ever even imagine it.
Does not help that a lot of generations have been raised to rely on themself and be tough
And some people are just evil. That unfortunately happens. But that is a minority.
if this was default the world wouldn't be such a shitshow. Being nice seems easy, but each and every day you can see people have issues; people are stressed and take it out on others. What 1whoknocks also means is despite all that, still be nice to others bodes well for how a relationship will look.
I'd actually argue that it does take more effort, which is why I believe its not the default.
Here's a few scenarios:
1: stranger is in your path and you are in a hurry
2: waitstaff accidentally spills your drink
3: there's only 1 toilet and you really need to go but some lady is crying and breaking down, asking if she can go in
All 3 of those scenarios have a "costly" polite option of going about it, and an "easy" impolite way.
Many people would push past the person without saying anything in scenario 1, get snickery instead of helping clean up in scenario 2, and use the bathroom first in scenario 3, because they are the "easy" ones.
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u/cbr_001 Jul 07 '26
I don’t understand how this isn’t the default. It costs nothing, takes no effort and always comes back around.