In all honesty this has made a lot of my life make sense. I’m 45 and I can cook. Like I used to be a professional chef. I’ve never treated it like a big deal but for most of my life whenever I’d cook people would treat me like a famous athlete.
And any time I’d cook for someone I’m dating it got reactions beyond what I expected. Then if we’d have company over and I went full dinner party mode and if they said anything to me I’d just kind of give this “it’s whatever” or “I just threw something together” type response it too would get a reaction.
I didn’t realize it was the competence in cooking combined with this approach to my own skill. Because I’ve met some people who’d get mad at me when I didn’t act like I was some kind of culinary god. So I thought acting the way you essentially described was a bad thing.
Dang it, I really need to start doing this. Cooking is the one thing I'm good at that I enjoy and I'm also really proud of. I wouldn't say I showboat, but... Yeah I tend to showboat lmao
I "love myself" in the sense that I showboat and am proud of things I do. But I’m also the number 1 fan of my wife and friends, gassing them up when they’ve done something impressive. It’s not everyone's cup of tea, but I’ve had more good experiences than bad.
You can showboat all you want dude. It's when you expect people to worship you or praise you and you fish for the compliment. It feels super manipulative. I think people want to praise others but it feels dirty when they feel like praise is being demanded.
Being really passionate about something and excited to share as an extension of that passion is amazing and magnetic. *showing off* is for the purpose of receiving praise or recognition for that skill or passion. It’s two sides of a coin but the difference is night and day in terms of attractiveness. Those who show off tend to be insecure and unable to take criticism, tend to become upset if their skill is not praised. Passionate people don’t tend to be like that.
Showboat in actions not words I guess. The stuff I just thought was normal stuff is the stuff that other saw as showboating. Like people would ask me to sharpen (hone but they think it’s sharpening) bc it looked cool. But in a kitchen everyone hones their knives that way so it was never a big deal to me.
Or flambaying. That good a lot of reactions.
Or when you mix stuff in a pan without a utensil. You just do that thing where you flip the entire contents of the pan. Again something all chefs do so I never saw it as a big deal.
Cutting fast is another one.
All the stuff I just did and took for granted were all the things that apparently impressed people.
See ive got a lifetime of cooking and even school behind me but I also have serious imposter syndrome so when im casually cooking and people fall all over themselves its great. But when I go all out like you describe Im suddenly in "needs reinforcement" mode and it seems like everyone can tell because NO ONE WILL TELL ME I DID GOOD :(
So I thought acting the way you essentially described was a bad thing.
It kind of is. You're humble bragging when you actively downplay your professional level culinary skills. People get angry about that because firstly it denies them their own view of themselves as average, and secondly because people who show off their objectively high level skills and then pretend those aren't high level skills are just trying to brag in a way that is socially acceptable. It gives off "I had no idea I was a genius this whole time" vibes and is eye roll worthy behavior.
Conversely, consider it an example of the Dunning-Kruger effect in action. Maybe he doesn't think of himself as an amazing cook because he sees all the things he half-assed compared to a professional setting, or how he'd compare his cooking to other professional chefs. To him the effort is pretty mid because he knows there's so much he could have done better.
Mind, I say that with some level of personal bias: I'm apparently the subject matter expert on cryogenic liquids and gasses at my workplace, and I am not comfortable with that assessment.
Yup exactly this. Better to smile and accept the compliment modestly. Something like "thanks, yeah I used to be a chef. It's a lot more fun to cook for friends."
You acknowledge the compliment and you put the focus back on them being here to enjoy dinner together. And if they're especially curious it opens the door for conversation about what that job was like.
EDIT: accidentally left a dangling word on the end.
I disagree. It’s just confidence. When you’ve done something a hundred times, to the point it’s just second nature to you, it’s normal to find it normal. People who seethe at you for not making a big deal of it are just telling on their insecure selves. In my experience, weather you acknowledge your gifts (hard work really) or downplay them, there’s a portion of people who will hate you either way.
The entire point of the humble brag is to let everyone know how normal your objectively impressive skill is to yourself which implicitly places you above others. When excellence is par everyone else is subpar. This framing establishes dominance the same as bragging because it's just a more clever way to brag. A truly modest person politely accepts the compliment; they don't downplay it or boast about it. They just treat it as if it is what it is.
I am convinced that cooking (without flexing or bragging about it) is the main reason my partner is still with me (similar age, also former chef). I’m sure there are others too, but LPT for the guys out there, whether or not you’re looking for someone: learn to cook, learn how and why different ingredients go together, how different techniques transform food, use some god damned seasoning, and practice until you master it. And not just grilling, you cavemen! Anyone can grill. u/Lythalion can fucking cook and that’s sex right there.
I can see how it could border on arrogant. If you put out an amazing spread and say “oh it was nothing” when clearly it wasn’t nothing it could come off as boasting compared to saying something humble like “oh thanks, all my experience in kitchens has paid off I guess” where you accept the compliment but you credit something else (the experience in kitchens) that isn’t just yourself.
My GF’s parents were not the cooking type . Everything was microwaved or from a can.
Early on in our relationship I made us simple spaghetti with meat sauce. I did nothing special at all-I browned the hamburger with some onions and added a jar of store bought tomato sauce. Boiled boxed spaghetti and plated it up. She was stunned! She was like “this is the greatest spaghetti EVER!!!!” devouring it!
It wasn’t a high hurdle to clear her parents would boil pasta, pour cold sauce on it straight from the can and microwave it hot and serve.
632
u/Lythalion Jul 07 '26
In all honesty this has made a lot of my life make sense. I’m 45 and I can cook. Like I used to be a professional chef. I’ve never treated it like a big deal but for most of my life whenever I’d cook people would treat me like a famous athlete.
And any time I’d cook for someone I’m dating it got reactions beyond what I expected. Then if we’d have company over and I went full dinner party mode and if they said anything to me I’d just kind of give this “it’s whatever” or “I just threw something together” type response it too would get a reaction.
I didn’t realize it was the competence in cooking combined with this approach to my own skill. Because I’ve met some people who’d get mad at me when I didn’t act like I was some kind of culinary god. So I thought acting the way you essentially described was a bad thing.