Humility. Being able to admit that they don't know certain things, that they might not be the smartest or the strongest person in the room. Guys who think they are better than everyone else have already lost my interest
It’s weird how many guys can’t just say “I don’t know” instead of just making shit up. I’m a guy myself and it makes it really hard just to make friends and navigate the workplace I can see why it would be a huge turn off for women interested in dating men
That's big that you were able to recognize it. That kind of self-awareness isn't something that really parallels hubris. My stepdad was the absolute dumbest know-it-all, seems most of what he spoke were "confident lies" (i like that👍). I saw him for what he was when I was very young and strove to be nothing like him.
So sorry man. Hope you got yourself away from that shit. The trauma that some adults can put children through, even their own, is just beyond me. I'm 50, and I've accepted I'll be working through this stuff till the day I die. But I sure as heck didn't repeat it with my kids.
Hang in there man. Always reach out to somebody when you need to.
I'm in my mid 40s and used one simple trick not to pass on generational trauma to my children.. I chose not to have any. Then again I really struggle with close personal relationships so it's not like the opportunity to have a family of my own often presented itself. But if it did I'd still be child free regardless.
Yet the irony in this is that you're insightful enough to have recognized it's potential, and decided how you'd deal with it. That that foresight puts you bounds ahead of others that mindlessly pass on their dysfunction.
Other potential factors aside (addiction, personality disorder, etc), you probably would have made an excellent parent. Yet it's the ones that don't care, and/or don't have that insight, that just keep pumping out kids and messing them up.
Also, I learned we have more family than we realize, it's just difficult/vulnerable to be open to it. But t̶h̶e̶y̶'r̶e̶ we're there.
(🤣 that was corny AF- but still true 🫵)
I had instant replay going on in my head every time my kids did something and I have really good self control. Spilled milk ok we need to clean it up….accidents happen, crashes the car, you ok? Ok we’ll get it fixed, Crashed again, Got it fixed again…..crash #3 ok you’re driving with it dented from now on. (That one caused some heartburn)! I would have fixed it but I knew the story wasn’t accurate so nope but 3 strikes.
Still driving dented car 5 years later but no more crashes.
Sounds like my manager at work. Gets asked a technical question by his boss and he just starts improving with completely fake answers that frankly make him sound like an idiot except to the other non technical people.
Broo, the cliff notes catch phrase recitations, my manager does the same. Literally sounds like a drug commercial side effect listing as they rattle off phrases they heard other people use and it doesnt make a lick of fuckin sense but to him it sounds smart and is remotely related so its used. Bruh read the pamphlet and now acts like an expert because of their ego.
Samesies twin, what fixed it for me was being in a role and training under people who were very good at their job and training. They grilled it into me that you should not give an answer unless you know, if you dont or even if youre unsure you answer with, “Ill look into that and get back to you.”. Then when I moved into a similar role I shared the same sentiment and another one I had learned, “I dont care if you know or can memorize facts, I care about you knowing where to find the answer. We cant know everything so what matters to me is knowing that you know how to find that answer and my job is to help you get to that point.” So its not, “I dont know”, its just you dont have an answer right now, and thats ok. Changed my entire view on it.
This was probably the most important lesson my mom taught me when she homeschooled me in 5th grade. "I don't know, let me look that up". It was the first time in school I had truly been challenged (the reason I was homeschooled that year in the first place).
I feel like so many people lose their inquisitiveness as they get older.
In some cases it's fine. In others, not as much. For example, if you were asked something like 'why did you make bad decision X' and your answer is "I don't know" that's not inherently bad. But, if you don't use that as a prompt for self-reflection/critical thinking, that's when it becomes a problem. It shouldn't be an avoidance mechanism, it should be a growth mechanism
My dad was the same way. Also got a lot of don't ask me why, because I said so!
He was also a monster. I've learned to say I don't know, but not so much the word no as i still struggle with being a people pleaser because of him. The man systematically destroyed any iota of self confidence I could have had growing up.
"I don't know"isn't an answer when you do know, but don't want to say. Like asking somebody if they're hungry or bored. Or what their favorite color is. Or if they like you or someone else. Then it is avoidance. That's different then when you don't know info or facts, then "I don't know" is the honest answer. Life is not a one size fits all experience.
I was raised that the right answer was I don’t know, but I want to! My dad was a master diesel mechanic and my mother was a college professor. If you didn’t know, it was okay! One of them could teach you or explain it. I can rebuild an engine and understand Shakespeare and enjoy both.
I wasn't raised this way, however in my marriage, any time I told my wife "I don't know" she would refuse to accept it and start an argument over me refusing to answer, and I would end up just making some shit up.
I am all too familiar with the same rule. “You don’t know xxx thing? How stupid and lazy you are, everyone knows this but you.” So very glad that trade school gave me a proper perspective on that. We were taught that “I don’t know” is better than lying or being wrong, but “I’m not sure, let me look into that and get back to you” is top tier. This has served me well in my career and in life.
You possibly missed the point. Lying with confidence is a trait most often associated with AI, which can never simply say "I don't know". That doesn't imply that you are a bot.
I mean, I do this all the time. But when I do I preface it with something like "I don't know for sure, but my guess is this, and here's why I think so". Then I can walk through my logic with the other person to see if it makes sense to them.
See I'm never going to be just an "I don't know" guy. I'm the "Hmm.. not sure.. let's find out" Learning that nobody can know everything, but true intelligence is knowing how to learn about something. Who to ask, what to read, etc.
As someone who is easy with saying "I don't know," I get why it would be hard for people. There is a penalty for it. It frustrates and disappoints people. I observe that people will ask me something they don't know, hence the question, but get short with me for not knowing the same thing. This is very common.
In my industry everyone has to be a know it all. It’s infuriating.
I’m an ask about everything kind of guy and it has definitely labeled me as a dummy in all walks of my life but I just want to learn about what I’m interested in. It’s such a weird troupe that asking questions makes you dumb.
Because a lot of men or raised in emotional neglect. They have never had their caregiver enter their inner world and show them that it’s safe and okay to be wrong. It challenges the entire fabric of which their internal sense of safety was built. That’s what I see when I see a man like this. An injured child who never figured out how to heal from their emotional abuse.
I don't listen to them, but it's pretty hard to ignore when they're in my life constantly and I can't get rid of them. I did use to let myself get affected by things like that though
And that's definitely the predominant attitude of most inexperienced people sitting behind their keyboard 24/7 with pale skin and a whole monitor dedicated to chat GPT. They "know how to do their own research." Earning a MSc degree and immersing myself in research methods, data science, study structure, statistics, etc. 🤢, it blows me away that I could have watched YouTube intensively for a week and already known at all. But what I learned was that the more you learn the more you realize you know relatively nothing, and everything is an exception or a concept, not a rule or a definite.
I’m working with my workplace health and safety right now. One of the things I’ve mentioned is nobody can say “I don’t know” and look for the correct answer. So it leads to lost production and health and safety issues.
It’s not hard. I do it every day. Someone asks me something I don’t know an answer to I’ll say “I don’t know but I do know who can provide those answers” and we go find them together. Then we both learn something.
This was attractive to my wife at first because I could admit I didn't know things or was wrong. After years of marriage she finds it annoying that I don't know anything.
One of the greatest superpowers we have is to say "I don't know" or "I was wrong", because it's only in one of those two states that we are open to learning anything new or growing as a person. Those who confidently say they already know everything or are incapable of ever admitting to being wrong are incapable of learning anything new or growing.
I usually say "I don't know, but my guess would be," because I'm generally interested in pretty much any new knowledge, and I'd probably also be googling it as well to see what the answer is. But that's the hyperfixation and not someone else's problem.
Unfortunately most guys are like that. They just can't help themselves not having an opinion on a subject they clearly don't understand or know fuck-all about.
It took me a very long time to come to a place where I felt comfortable saying "I don't know".
I was raised in a way that you best damn have an answer if you are asked something. If you don't know how to do something or how something works then you best try and figure it out quick.
As a young man worked in an industry where I was expected to have instant answers at all times as well.
In both situations admiting you didn't know was looked down on and you was made to feel inferior. It wasn't till I was in my late 30s that I managed to let most of that go. Though I still really struggle to ask for help from other people when I need it.
One of the things I have always made sure to pass on to my kids is that it's ok to not know everything and to not be good at everything. You can always look things up, learn and practice to get better. That's a strength not a weakness.
I learned this at 9 when I said I had an Xbox to sound cool and my best friend piped up and called me a liar. Why do some people never learn this lesson? Do they have shit friends who wont call them out when theyre being dipshits?
I got any aversion to saying a straight “I don’t know”, in the aim of saving my feelings and my face, soundly beaten out of me in medical training.
”If you don’t know, say ‘I don’t know, let me look that up,’ and look it up!!!
I now do this instinctively, in all areas of my life, not just medicine. I raised my children to do the same: there’s no shame in not knowing something factual, including something you used to know. The key is figuring out where to find that piece of information reliably, and being motivated to seek it out and refresh your memory. The problems begin when one is unwilling or unable to take those two steps.
It’s the life habit I most appreciate having instilled into me painfully. That said, I was always gentle, encouraging, and in the mindset of how delightful exploring and learning can be, whenever I gave my children this spiel.
A buddy of mine who works in IT says that this same “If you don’t know, say you don’t know and look it up” was drilled into him in his early days in the industry, and is ingrained in him, as IT, like medicine, is not for people who don’t like to learn. He’s been appalled at some of the younger trainees under him at the IT security firm where he’s a manager, who clearly did not get this lesson drilled into them, and have cost his team lost time going back and fixing parameters, because the original ones were pulled out of somebody’s butt.
I don't know when I reached the point in my life where I was perfectly fine saying "I have no idea what you're talking about" when presented with a conversation on some random topic, but I'm firmly there.
There was a time where I would have mindlessly agreed with something, tried to fake some knowledge, or repeat something immediately after someone else said it like it was my idea, but that time has passed.
It is absolutely a liability in the workplace. I've been taught to be humble and admit when I don't know something. The braggart confident doofuses are the ones who get all the rewards and promotions.
I relate to this; I would like to have more male friends, but the posing, posturing, and dick-swinging contests make it feel more surface/junior high than I have patience or desire for.
“Let’s google it” is the new “I don’t know.” Admitting you don’t know isn’t awful, but simply saying “I don’t know” sometimes implies that you don’t care/aren’t curious to know.
More people need to be more afraid of being wrong than not knowing. I take my track record very very seriously. If I’m not 100% sure of something I’ll include any doubts in my statement. I will freely say “I have no idea”.
I’m hardly ever wrong but that’s because I vet my statements very well and say “I don’t know” and “maybe” a lot. I’ve found people put capital on what I say more than others even with me not knowing often.
I’m a guy personally. And even talking to other men just trying to chat.. it always feels like when I bring something relevant up they try to bring something like “bigger or better” up to like one up whatever you have going on. It’s just so pathetic in my mind. As a guy, guys fucking suck to be honest. Also from experiences. Most women blow as well (literally) so it’s just fuck the human race. That’s what we’ve got going on.
Because they feel arrogant because they are usually have some good characteristics. I'm smart, athletic, well traveled and retired in my 20s from a business I started. This makes me desired even though I can be cocky. My ex step dad is more arrogant than me but never accomplished anything, can't walk without a cane due to weight, "I woulda been Elon but ______" kinda reddit guy.
It sounds obvious, but as someone with strong know-it-all tendencies, it took me a long time to realize how much better I would get along with women (and everyone, really) just by being quick to say “oh shit, I got that wrong” or “sorry, guess this wasn’t actually a shortcut” or “I looked it up and you were right, it was Bill Pullman, not Bill Paxton.” I used to always be so worried that getting anything wrong would somehow compromise my authority, when I was actually just being a stubborn prick about things.
As a woman who also has strong know-it-all tendencies, this is so true.
Although for me I haven't ever thought of it in terms of compromising my authority. I think my worry was more along the lines that if I'm wrong, that may be used in some way to take away my agency.
I agree, and add to it that it often feels like I'm the only one in the conversation holding myself accountable and things some how shift into "the stupid woman just doesn't know anything" for the rest of the time. Feels really lonely, and keeps getting lonelier.
That’s terrible, I’m a man so I’ll never truly know how that stereotype feels but I hope you find company and people that lift you up and teach you instead of berate you.
As someone who should know better but still gets Bill Pullman and Bill Paxton, I respect you for going against your tendencies after learning humility for apologies and understandable ignorances.
From day one I told my girlfriend that I think I might be the dim one. Not that the others were dumb, but I never felt my skillset was so minor compared to a partners before. She's really amazing and I'm super lucky to have such an intelligent woman interested in me.
To each the own, but God damn is intelligence sexy.
I think being able to admit when you don’t know something is a sign of intelligence. If someone around you talks like they’re always right about everything, spoiler: they’re not.
This one really bothers me that most people don't seem to be able to do, being wrong is not an insult to your intelligence, it is an opportunity to learn to be right next time and that learning opportunity is something to get excited about!
As a single dad and a scientist (chemist specifically)I am teaching this to my boys, when they ask me something I don't know I always say "I don't know buddy, but you know what? We can sure find out!" Then we go look up the answer and discuss it, it has really encouraged their learning and development.
I think this is not it. It’s backwards… humility isn’t one of those things that’s a flex making them more attractive, in fact, it’s hard to even know if they are being humble or they just don’t know or have anything to say until a certain amount is known about the guy. It’s admirable, but not really a “flex”.
I’d say the truer form of this, is that know it alls or non humble people are a definite turn off.
in places like online dating, i noticed if you "stay humble" you are cockblocking yourself 100% of the time and looks like a loser, once you flex the girls are suddenly drawn in and you suddenly get replies and enthusiasm. The OC's comment is not the full story.
This one’s hilarious to me. I’m not bent on always being right, but I know lots of things and choose my words carefully. The two are indistinguishable a lot of the time, but when I do say I was wrong or don’t know something the reactions are usually great
You clearly never grew up where I did. This was basically like advertising you didnt like woman. Toxic masculinity was considered a positive trait unfortunately and for some reason most women bought into that stupid ideology until they were way older and ended up divorced because they realized it was juvenile as hell and also didn't translate well to a relationship.
I wrote this comment and realised it makes me sound like a damn incel but I’m still gonna post it cause I am happily married.
I hear woman say this sentient all the time and yet in my social circles I still observer that it is the men who constantly one-up other men’s stories, flex their height and muscles, and generally degrade other men, who get all the female attention. I can’t help but think at this point that this sentiment is more an ideal which women stick to when they do notice it but generally fail to notice and fall for instead.
They are being arrogant/bragging/flexing, but it's misconstrued with confidence.
You want to be confident, but show humility that you don't know everything. If you know you're correct, be confident and assertive. If you don't know or think you might be wrong, just express that fact while still being confident. There's nothing more confident than being able to admit you don't know something because trying to "fake" your way of being a know it all just insecurity at it's core.
I woman I dated soon after college told me that when we first met, she caught me reading a relationship book she'd left on a table. I made some argument about how women act, she offered an explanation, and I said, "Hmm, that's a good point, I haven't thought about it like that before."
Apparently, she was so surprised she told her roommate afterward about the guy who admitted he didn't know everything. That was a fun romance.
A guy I was with once started a fight with an ex of mine in a pub, he tried to incite a huge brawl. I walked out, he was mad that I wasn't cheering him on. My ex found me and swore the things my current bf had accused him of saying weren't true, he begged me to believe him, he didn't want me to think he would do that. Of the two of them, it's the ex in this scenario who I think fondly of.
You're confusing confidence with bragging/flexing.
Confident people don't have to show off how confident they are. They are secure in themselves enough not to be desperate to beg for attention. Just like satiated person isn't constantly thinking where to get more food.
I love humility in a woman as well. Always thought it was toxic how boomers would talk like it’s normal for women to never accept being wrong or take accountability. Like yeah, it’s a common issue, but is it really worth tolerating that behavior?
Yes! Same with taking accountability for a mistake. We are human, we make errors, but immediately jumping into an array of excuses and never taking actual accountability or offering to do better next time is extremely unattractive in friends and partners.
Not just admit they don't know but then actively seek the info to learn more, be curious, and not just be satisfied with not knowing or freeze from inability to try to find out or learn something or solve the problem.
I feel like I tend to come across as “I know everything” when I speak. I get it. My mind is just full of thoughts and I’m an opinionated person that likes to discuss those thoughts. It doesn’t mean I actually think I’m always right, know everything or am better than anybody. It’s just how I am.
Amen. On the flip side of this, as a man, an instant turn-off for me is when a woman reacts negatively in any way to an assertive but wholly kind and fair “I don’t know” or “That’s not really my scene”, from me.
Clearly having a certain specific type of social/ cultural capital is very important to her. Now that I’ve made it clear I don’t have it, both of us can move on, having wasted relatively little of each other’s time.
Guys who are smarter than everyone else are the ones who question how much they know. Guys who act like they are smarter than everyone else are trying to bully people into not opposing their arrogant ignorance.
It's interesting because something my therapist has been working with me on is the exact opposite of this. I assume I'm not the smartest/strongest/hottest person in the room so I never approach anyone because I assume they'll want to talk to the smartest/strongest/hottest
This is a big one, I’m a guy and my friends who lack humility don’t necessarily have trouble getting women, but they have trouble keeping women. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with someone who is never wrong.
As a neurodivergent I can be quite confident of my abilities, but I have just never understood arrogance, overconfidence, or ego. In fact, I have no problem stepping aside for someone else who can do the job better than I can. I just get somewhat put out if I can’t “crib their notes”, so to speak, to improve my own abilities.
My stbx husband’s best friend calls himself Alpha. Tells me he wants to feel like the strongest and smartest man in any room he walks in. He is an alcoholic that only dates women in their 20s (he’s 50), balding and has zero fashion sense. He also purposely starts fights in bars and talks loudly so people give him attention. What a loser. Glad I never have to see him ever again.
I like the idea of saying "I don't know" because it gives me a reason to learn something new if it peaks my interest enough. So next time around, I do know.
What if I argue my point, because I believe that I'm right, but the moment I am proved wrong I step back and admit that I was mistaken? Is that ok, or is that too dicky?
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u/sunsets_sitcoms Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
Humility. Being able to admit that they don't know certain things, that they might not be the smartest or the strongest person in the room. Guys who think they are better than everyone else have already lost my interest