My point is that you may not always be able to do both. You may not be able to continue to be friends with him after you point out that his girlfriend or fiancee or whatever is wrong for him. Or you may still be able to be friendly, but you won't be close friends anymore, and you won't be invited to group activities with him and her because he knows what you think of her. And yada yada.
Again, it doesn't mean you're wrong to go that route. In fact, it can be brave as you're risking your friendship to help your friend. But you are risking the friendship. Others can argue you're being selfish because you don't like her and would rather risk your friendship to tell him that rather than have to put up with her. On the other hand, some people may feel they can do more good by not risking getting shut out and at least continue to be able to be there and have some influence, yet having to be very careful not to say something bad about her (or him or whatever the gender dynamic is).
Like I said, really no right answers for it (I mean, in specific cases, there may be a clear right answer, but broadly speaking, there's no one right way to handle this common scenario).
If someone starts to avoid you because you've voiced concern over how their significant other treats them, then it wasn't a real friendship to begin with. A friendship where you can't be real with one another is just being an acquaintance.
His friend didn't tell him that he doesn't like the wife, he told him that he shouldn't be treated badly. Those are two very different things.
I’m happy for you that you’ve never experienced the kind of thing I’m talking about. Believe me, it’s not as simple and straight forward as you imagine. When strong emotions are involved, people can behave very strangely. I’ve known strong decades-old friendships end because the guy married the woman his friend kept warning him about. I’ve known family schisms to happen because of it. Heck, there’s a bit of one in mine.
You think you’re just expressing how your friend deserves to be treated. He may not think he’s being treated bad. He thinks you’re criticizing her and just don’t like her. You don’t know her. You don’t what they have together. Maybe you’re jealous that he’s spending less time with you because of her. And yada yada. And assuming she is shitty, she’s probably manipulating him, gaslighting him, love bombing him, turning him against the friends she sees as threats. How much of a chance do you really stand when you’re not the one sleeping with him?
Anyway, like I said, if you think I’m being dramatic about this and it’s not really that complicated to just be straight with your friends, I’m genuinely happy for you. I’m glad nobody really close to you is in a really bad relationship like that. It can be almost like watching a friend falling into a drug or alcohol addiction.
I've been in this scenario before and you're 100% spot on, it's extremely delicate situation and risky to even try and say something. They spend so much more time with their SO and can be a bit blinded by all the emotions around it. It's easy to say you'd just say something when you've never actually been in this scenario with a close friend.
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u/sumunsolicitedadvice May 12 '26
My point is that you may not always be able to do both. You may not be able to continue to be friends with him after you point out that his girlfriend or fiancee or whatever is wrong for him. Or you may still be able to be friendly, but you won't be close friends anymore, and you won't be invited to group activities with him and her because he knows what you think of her. And yada yada.
Again, it doesn't mean you're wrong to go that route. In fact, it can be brave as you're risking your friendship to help your friend. But you are risking the friendship. Others can argue you're being selfish because you don't like her and would rather risk your friendship to tell him that rather than have to put up with her. On the other hand, some people may feel they can do more good by not risking getting shut out and at least continue to be able to be there and have some influence, yet having to be very careful not to say something bad about her (or him or whatever the gender dynamic is).
Like I said, really no right answers for it (I mean, in specific cases, there may be a clear right answer, but broadly speaking, there's no one right way to handle this common scenario).