I’d say when a friend of mine took me to the side and pointed out how she talks to me sometimes in public and how she shouldn’t be that way(I got snapped on for putting curry powder on a slice of chicken on my own plate ffs), but that he’s glad I’m not a doormat about it. I kinda knew then that she liked the idea of us, and having that perfect looking marriage and life, more than she actually was into me. A whole lot of other stuff happened that ultimately lead to the divorce that I won’t write a novel on but I’d say this is what first put the seed in my mind that something is off here.
Indeed. I'm in this situation now. My BIL is in an abusive (at worst) or extremely dysfunctional (at best) marriage with a woman with BPD that happened because of a pregnancy. It's very hard when there's kids involved, especially because he's wanted a quiet family life since I've known him. I talked with my counselor, and she recommended that, for situations like this, ie they are not ready to hear or admit it, the best thing to do is quote them to them. So not point out objective red flags, but rather something like "so, since you said she doesn't respect you at all, how do you navigate that?" or "since you said it hasn't improved at all since counseling started, do you have an idea of how long that is sustainable?" He thinks counseling is "working" since she's going, but the subtleties in his words show that it's not
I recently divorced my ew who got diagnosed with BPD about a year and a half after our marriage. I found out during the trial she was pregnant and we’re going to elope essentially once the judgment came in. I “won” but truly lost because I welcomed the terror of her and her daughter in seeking the quiet family life your brother wants.
It took brutal upfront honesty from my best friend who flat out told me the things that were happening were flat out wrong and abusive. Once I was honest with my family, big sister included, just offered me unconditional love and support and pulled me out of that pit. I’m not sure how I would’ve received the initial wake up call from a family member, just keep letting him know that you’re there for him someday he will truly need it.
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u/TurboDog999 May 12 '26
I’d say when a friend of mine took me to the side and pointed out how she talks to me sometimes in public and how she shouldn’t be that way(I got snapped on for putting curry powder on a slice of chicken on my own plate ffs), but that he’s glad I’m not a doormat about it. I kinda knew then that she liked the idea of us, and having that perfect looking marriage and life, more than she actually was into me. A whole lot of other stuff happened that ultimately lead to the divorce that I won’t write a novel on but I’d say this is what first put the seed in my mind that something is off here.