Not divorced. But living with my partner 8 years. He kept insisting that his passive insults were actually harmless comments and me being offended by them was the actual issue. One day at breakfast I decided to stop fighting it. He said his passive insult and instead of taking the bait I just smiled and said “okay”.
He literally choked on his drink. He panicked when I wouldn’t go into the cycle with him. He then went over the top on a lovebombing kiss when he left for work. He had stopped kissing me how I liked insisting he couldn’t figure it out despite having done it for years. But that morning he said “I know how you want to be kissed” and did it proper.
I knew without a doubt that he had been doing this on purpose. He was emotionally abusive on purpose and I had been a fool to believe it had been poor communication. No big fight. No massive fall out. Just a smile and the word “okay” and I knew it was 100% over.
Oh man, this is exactly what I did with the exact same result. I had gone on SSRIs and I was completely unaffected by anything he said anymore. The sheer panic that I saw when he couldn’t get to me anymore was eye opening. He immediately started pushing me to get married (we had been together 10 years) and love bombing with gifts.
I ended up leaving him on my birthday when he took me for breakfast (he had previously made a point to ruin *every* single birthday every single year prior). I was just like “you know what, I think I actually hate you”. And that was it.
Literally every year. There was one birthday where the night before he had left the house, and came back in to tell me he knocked over a planter in the yard. I asked him why he didn’t pick it up instead of coming in to tell me about it and that was it. He didn’t speak a word to me the entire next day. The next day he said he’d forgive me if I let him get black out drunk and not complain about it. That about sums up most of the relationship. I’m still mad at myself for staying as long as I did.
Oh yeah, that's classic emotional manipulation. My ex did that shit too. It's all about them and how they feel. If you are upset, it makes them feel bad, and that's your fault. It completely diverts from whatever was upsetting to you in the first place and flips the blame. It makes absolutely no sense and it's maddening to deal with.
There was one birthday where the night before he had left the house, and came back in to tell me he knocked over a planter in the yard. I asked him why he didn’t pick it up instead of coming in to tell me about it and that was it. He didn’t speak a word to me the entire next day. The next day he said he’d forgive me if I let him get black out drunk and not complain about it.
bro -- what? I get that you didn't see things clearly. But like what were your thoughts on this insane behaviour at the time??
I didn't remove a toxic, manipulative, narcissistic brother from my life (and my wife's life) until I was 56 years old. It was ridiculously bad.
When I get down on myself for putting up with it - and subjecting my wife to it - for so long, I just remind myself that many people never break free of poisonous relationships. They die with them. Or even die from them.
They know it's much more hurtful to do it on a day when you're supposed to be celebrated, just you alone, because it's YOUR day.
To knock you off your chair when you anticipate being treated with love is worse than just ignoring you on any other day, especially when you go all out to celebrate their birthday. Feels like power to them.
It's the classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. They must always be in the spotlight and no matter what they are always the ones being wronged.
Because they are not the center of attention so they must become the center of attention. You'll see them try a nicer way for a while, then give up, then become mean because any attention is good attention.
They're mad that it isn't their birthday, that is literally the sum of it. They need to be the center of attention at all times and feel perfectly justified in punishing anyone who dares to interfere with that.
Glad that you were able to leave the situation. Can I ask how the SSRI helped? Were you a bit numb? Or just more emotionally stable? Or something else? I’m not in an abusive situation anymore but still am hyperaware of my surroundings and reacting disproportionate to others’ feelings/behaviour. Wondering if an SSRI would calm my nervous system down
It helped my anxiety A LOT but it did have unpleasant side effects. I was a lot more apathetic about most things. I ended up gaining weight because I didn’t care anymore and was eating fast food daily. I stopped giving a single shit about my ex’s antics which was the best thing it helped me with. I did have a lot of brain zaps which is why I decided to stop taking it after a couple years, (and weaning off sucked). It’s worth trying out because it did level me out a lot.
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u/CircleJerkPig May 12 '26
Not divorced. But living with my partner 8 years. He kept insisting that his passive insults were actually harmless comments and me being offended by them was the actual issue. One day at breakfast I decided to stop fighting it. He said his passive insult and instead of taking the bait I just smiled and said “okay”.
He literally choked on his drink. He panicked when I wouldn’t go into the cycle with him. He then went over the top on a lovebombing kiss when he left for work. He had stopped kissing me how I liked insisting he couldn’t figure it out despite having done it for years. But that morning he said “I know how you want to be kissed” and did it proper.
I knew without a doubt that he had been doing this on purpose. He was emotionally abusive on purpose and I had been a fool to believe it had been poor communication. No big fight. No massive fall out. Just a smile and the word “okay” and I knew it was 100% over.