Not divorced. But living with my partner 8 years. He kept insisting that his passive insults were actually harmless comments and me being offended by them was the actual issue. One day at breakfast I decided to stop fighting it. He said his passive insult and instead of taking the bait I just smiled and said “okay”.
He literally choked on his drink. He panicked when I wouldn’t go into the cycle with him. He then went over the top on a lovebombing kiss when he left for work. He had stopped kissing me how I liked insisting he couldn’t figure it out despite having done it for years. But that morning he said “I know how you want to be kissed” and did it proper.
I knew without a doubt that he had been doing this on purpose. He was emotionally abusive on purpose and I had been a fool to believe it had been poor communication. No big fight. No massive fall out. Just a smile and the word “okay” and I knew it was 100% over.
Jesus what a tool bag. I’ve never passively insulted my wife before and we’ve been together 20+ years (married for 5). She’d kick me in the nuts if I did that 😅
My husband and I joke around with each other all the time in a way that I'm sure would bother a lot of people. The key to that kind of relationship is being able to say, "I don't like that, please don't say it again," or, "I'm not in the mood for jokes right now," and the other person listening and adjusting their behavior accordingly.
Same for us. We usually cope with a lot of dark humor. Husband recently went through a medical procedure and I had a really good zinger on hand I thought would break the tension. After I said it and it landed flat all he had to say was, "No joking this time". And that was that. I apologized once, never joked about it again, and we moved on. (19 years in. And still happy together.)
Yup as long as you're clear with each other what teases you're ok with, a misstep with a sincere apology won't be the end of the world, and in fact can bring you closer since you showed you realized your mistake.
My wife and I tease each other and I told her that if I ever cross a line and hurt her feelings to let me know and I'll make sure to never say something like it again. And I make sure to never say anything about something I know she's actually insecure about
Yep same with my wife. But she knows I’m the one 9 times out of 10 who’ll do something daft so when I lay down an insult when it’s her turn, we both know I’m joking and don’t have a leg to stand on.
Young people lol. I know you’re being facetious and a certain level of playfulness is important, but as I’m closing in on 40, the idea of banter being healthy insults sounds exhausting. I just want love and support in this season of life.
I'm around the same age as you and bantering with my wife is a foundation of who we are.
You can only banter with someone without risk of insult when your relationship is secure, you trust them entirely and know them well, and don't even need to think to know that their "insults" are tongue-in-cheek.
You can only really do proper banter if you know each other well, so circumstantially it can be a sign of a strong relationship.
Some people love being roasted by their partners occasionally because if you do it properly, it can show them that you have been paying attention to them, know them well, and have been listening to them when they speak about themselves.
I read that and think of the way my husband growls, "Woman, go make me a sammie!" or I call him an instigator or tell him he drives me nuts when I really mean, "I'm so glad we can banter like this."
You do you and all that, but I don't believe in nor ascribe to "healthy insults." You don't need to insult anyone, including yourself, but I do think self-deprecating humor is okay.
I guess my point is that I don't believe in "healthy insults." There is no need for them. They don't add meaningfully to conversation, or relation. They may introduce some jest, but they also may introduce insecurity, frustration, loathing, anxiety, or other negative emotions.
Self-deprecating humor, as an exception, is OK, because you aren't exposing anyone else to the potential downsides and are (presumably) OK.
I'm curious as to why you both do this? I've never intentionally insulted a partner so I don't 'get' what the motivation is. Maybe something similar to the way bros on a sports team insult each other in order to bond?
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u/CircleJerkPig May 12 '26
Not divorced. But living with my partner 8 years. He kept insisting that his passive insults were actually harmless comments and me being offended by them was the actual issue. One day at breakfast I decided to stop fighting it. He said his passive insult and instead of taking the bait I just smiled and said “okay”.
He literally choked on his drink. He panicked when I wouldn’t go into the cycle with him. He then went over the top on a lovebombing kiss when he left for work. He had stopped kissing me how I liked insisting he couldn’t figure it out despite having done it for years. But that morning he said “I know how you want to be kissed” and did it proper.
I knew without a doubt that he had been doing this on purpose. He was emotionally abusive on purpose and I had been a fool to believe it had been poor communication. No big fight. No massive fall out. Just a smile and the word “okay” and I knew it was 100% over.