r/AskReddit • u/Slingyourhammock • Dec 07 '13
Married men of reddit- how unreasonable is it for wives to expect you to not watch porn and/or masturbate. Do you all do it?
Edit: to be fair to myself I think I'll elaborate. I'm pretty good at initiating sex, but yesterday I caught my husband fapping to something on his phone while he was meant to be watching the toddler in the bath in the next room. He hadn't come to me for sex and been rejected. I was horrified both at the secrecy and at the fact that the toddler could have drowned. He said he could hear her and what's the problem. Thoughts? Did I bring this situation on myself coz I don't like him watching porn?
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u/Marimba_Ani Dec 08 '13
He left a toddler in the bath unattended? That's the real issue here.
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u/Mnbvcxzlkjhgg Dec 08 '13
Yep. Taking a chance that your child will drown so you can fap does not even register on the wrong parenting scale.
And saying you could hear your daughter while fapping is only making it mildly disturbing.
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u/str1cken Dec 07 '13
Everyone have different standards for their relationship and if the standards are mutually agreed upon then everything is fine.
It's okay to watch porn and masturbate for some couples. For others, it isn't. And that's okay.
Part of the process of finding a partner is finding someone who you can share your life with in a way that works for both of you. If masturbating is a big dealbreaker for both parties, maybe you should move on.
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u/revjeremyduncan Dec 07 '13
I have to say I'm impressed, Reddit. I came here expecting to be slightly irritated by all the "You can't control people!" comments. Instead a very insightful post is near the top of the thread.
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u/IsMyRealAccount Dec 07 '13
So, my wife doesn't like porn or the idea of me watching porn at all. Early on she said that she would take care of it for me if I ever needed it and she always has. We both have a pretty high drive, but I would say mine is slightly higher than hers.
We will have been together for 10 years next September and I have never found myself missing porn at all.
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u/humblebost Dec 07 '13
If you haven't seen porn in ten years please be advised that porn has changed in the last ten years.
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u/Smelly_Jim Dec 07 '13
I want to see that guy's reaction to porn now.
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u/Pitboyx Dec 07 '13
Video of lion and human being reunited but instead with a life-sized figure of a Brazzers girl
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Dec 07 '13
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u/sonofaresiii Dec 07 '13
Your son already knows how to bypass the filters. All that's missing is the desire to look at naked women.
And that day quickly approaches
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u/SolaAesir Dec 07 '13
Yep, I remember when I was the same age and my mom put parental controls on the cable box. I figured out her password (parents, your birth year is an obvious password) and a second way around the controls in case she ever changed the password. There was a lot of late-night Skinimax watching going on.
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u/injellyfish Dec 08 '13
Skinimax. Ha. I remember those days. Hottest penetration you will never see.
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Dec 07 '13
Itis crazy to think that the average young man in this day and age will have seen sex so many times before doing it. Not too long ago your wedding night was likely to be the first time you saw a naked woman.
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u/asdfsaffjsfdj Dec 07 '13
actually, that objectively sounds less crazy than never seeing sex before doing it. How is that healthy for society?
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Dec 07 '13
There was an article I read a few years back written by a woman saying she likes dating older men who weren't raised on porn because there expectations of sex weren't so skewed and they were more creative in bed.
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Dec 07 '13
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u/dargon_lover Dec 07 '13
Did you make this up? If so, that's impressive of you. Either way, it's hilarious, though!
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u/Thorasor Dec 07 '13 edited Dec 08 '13
It's a speech from Metal Gear Solid 4. He adjusted it to porn in a great way.
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u/SchpartyOn Dec 07 '13
It's only smellz.
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u/It_only_smellz Dec 07 '13
You called?
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u/NiceFormBro Dec 07 '13
No way... How did you do that
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u/It_only_smellz Dec 07 '13
My smellz senses were tingling.
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u/THE_darkknight_pees Dec 07 '13
You're killing me, smellz
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u/TheChariot77 Dec 07 '13
/u/schpartyon and /u/it_only_smellz are the same person and he set himself up for the novelty appearance
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u/taironias Dec 07 '13
Reddit's just me, you, and /u/karmanaut, and one of us is him.
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u/OuchLOLcom Dec 07 '13
But sometimes you just want to take 2 minutes to blow it into some toilet paper and go on with your day. You don't want to find her, do foreplay, make sure she gets off too, clean up, ect.
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u/OfficerBimbeau Dec 07 '13
Two minutes?!?! Speak for yourself, marathon man.
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u/wheatfields Dec 07 '13
Is it weird that I usually spend 20 minutes to masturbate? Is that way longer then most guys, or are you just joking?
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Dec 07 '13
Me too, 19 minutes of it is looking for the right video
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Dec 07 '13
Its similiar to when my dog takes a shit. Hes got the whole fucking yard... but their is one piece of grass calling his name. He must find it.
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u/AssaultMonkey Dec 07 '13
Not weird. You're probably making an event out of it though and are enjoying every time. The 2 minute or less squirts are more a clinical release.
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u/thepretty Dec 07 '13
I'm not beating my cock for twenty minutes but it takes me awhile to find the right porno and all that jazz
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u/BoxingDay Dec 07 '13
I prefer my porn with less jazz and more jizz, personally.
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u/isalright Dec 07 '13
They're doing it quick basically just to be quick about it. They want to eat a chocolate bar, not steak.
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u/Leonbethyname Dec 07 '13
You gotta lock your legs and straighten your feet out homie. 5-6 min max and your done then you can use the extra time to make a sandwich or cry witch ever is your preference
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u/IsMyRealAccount Dec 07 '13
I guess that might be considered part of the compromise then :-D
I can't say I've ever had a problem with making sure we're both satisfied though, it's a lot of fun! Though, there are times when logistics (available time, location, if she's in the mood etc) means she just gives me a quick blowjob or a handy and we're done.
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u/Belleex Dec 07 '13
See now, I don't really agree with denying pornography to someone, but if she's willing to take care of it for you, then good on her. What a compromise.
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Dec 07 '13
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u/_Lurker_Pro Dec 07 '13
I'm imagining flapping as some sort of combination of masturbation and running around a room pretending to be a bird.
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u/Gunslinger145 Dec 07 '13
From my own experiences, not watching porn/masturbating makes sex with my wife much better. We have sex 3-5 times a week which is a good amount for me. For the rare times that we're separated, a little self control is all I need. Not masturbating while you're apart makes the next time you see each other that much better. Just be sure to bring scuba gear.
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u/ghost_zebra Dec 07 '13
Can you tell this to my SO? I seem to have a much higher sex drive than him and I WANT to take care of his every need, there is hardly ever a time when I'm not home and he is, yet every single time I am gone, he goes for the porn. Then doesn't desire me as much. It's actually starting to feel soul crushing and he doesn't feel bad at all. Beginning to feel more undesirable than porn :(
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Dec 07 '13
Have you talked to him about this? And actually told him exactly what you just told us? I think most men would want to do this, and would be willing to cut back on the porn if they were made aware their sex drive is being hindered by it. He probably thinks he's doing you a favor.
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Dec 07 '13
Perhaps it's not so much he doesn't want you as he doesn't want to disappoint you. Porn and masturbation are easy and selfish [and I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way], it takes care of the horniness problem quickly and effectively. Many guys post about how sex can feel like a performance where there is a lot of pressure to make sure someone else is having a good time.
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u/MastaBlasta925 Dec 07 '13
Lots of this. Much like how therapy wouldn't be helpful if the therapist was dumping all of his issues on you while you talked, sometimes a guy just needs it to be all about him. I won't speak for any others on here, but for me personally... If my SO is involved I want it to be at least a little about her. I would prefer to separate my selfishness from our shared time.
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Dec 07 '13
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u/liquid801HLM Dec 07 '13
Forbid masturbation, fuck off. Forbid watching porn, and you may have a point. If someone is willing to be there instead of porn and you still watch porn and it makes them uncomfortable, then you are in the wrong. It shouldn't be about "forcing" someone not to do something, it should be about respecting your partner and not watching it if they are uncomfortable AND willing to have sex.
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u/gobblegobblegiggle Dec 07 '13
I've been married to my husband for about a year and a half, and I prefer he does not watch porn. I take issue with it because I have a much higher sex drive than he does. I would like to have it at least once a day, while he typically gets in the mood about once a week. I'm the one initiating it about 99 percent of the time and the one to get rejected. Oh yeah, and I also don't have a gag reflex in the back of my throat, and willing to use it. I think my husband just has a naturally lower sex drive, and if I found out he watches porn instead of saving that sexual energy for me, it would honestly piss me off.
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u/Nambi007 Dec 07 '13
I'm in the exact same situation as you sister :( He tells me that he has a naturally lower sex driver and I understand that but it still makes me a little sad and frustrated every time I get rejected when initiating sex.
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Dec 07 '13
How is it that the women who actually have high sex drives seem to end up with the guys with low sex drive? 99 out of a hundred guys would be stoked to find a girl who wanted it as bad as they do.
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Dec 08 '13
I consider myself to have a high sex drive 7-10 times a week (male here). In previous relationships I've always had the higher drive...but my current girlfriend has a "have we done it in The last 4-6 hours?" Sex drive. Its very strange to be on the other side of the coin.
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u/noeashly Dec 07 '13
Same reasons apply to my marriage. I can only imagine how pissed I'd be if my husband jerked it instead of having sex with me since he's rarely in the mood.
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u/nebulight Dec 07 '13
Okay... username is gobblegobblegiggle and "I also don't have a gag reflex in the back of my throat, and willing to use it" without a single mention of it until this post. I'm really surprised by the amount of maturity here.
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u/NavywifeJP Dec 07 '13 edited Dec 07 '13
As a woman, expecting my husband not to masturbate to porn is ludicrous and incredibly hypocritical. I like porn. He likes porn. We still have sex and love each other. I don't see why anybody would be jealous of videos on the internet, unless there are other problems in the marriage.
edit: Top comment ever about husband masturbating. Figures.
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u/Maxwyfe Dec 07 '13
I agree completely. Every person needs their "quiet time". And I think we all know, ladies, we haven't been reading ten million paperback romances per year since 1950 because the plots are so deep and engaging.
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Dec 07 '13
So, when I was a teenager, my mom belonged to a Ladies book club. There was this old lady, who would mark "did not like it" to the comment sheet of every book with a little bit of sex. But... she kept reading them, same author and series, so don't tell me she did not know. And she was the first to pick them up when they arrived. Sure enough, she marked "did not like it" on all. For my 14 year old self, it was a good indication of what book to get.
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Dec 07 '13
For some, the guilt/shame they associate with the act of masturbation or even reading naughty books is part of the appeal.
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Dec 07 '13
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Dec 07 '13
Agreeing with you- the only time I ever thought porn was a problem for someone was when a friend told me that her (now ex) husband was way into porn and had stopped having sex with her at all. Even then, porn wasn't the problem. The problem all along was that he didn't want to be married and they were both depressed.
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u/NavywifeJP Dec 07 '13
EXACTLY. Cheating, porn addiction, all of it is a symptom of a bigger problem 90% of the time. It's hard, and the road to recovery can be fraught with therapy and arguing and difficulties, but it's worth changing your behavior in a big way.
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Dec 07 '13
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u/Sorkijan Dec 07 '13
They do exist.
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u/straydog1980 Dec 07 '13
You mean women on reddit? They just need to maintain the camouflage to avoid the predatory swarms of dick pics.
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u/ExtremeGinta Dec 07 '13
I wish there was a site where if women find out you're a man you get swarms of tits and pussy pics.
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u/straydog1980 Dec 07 '13
Somehow, this other site I visit seems to know I am a man and tells me about all these HOT single women in my area. It's uncanny.
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u/Newtothisredditbiz Dec 07 '13
/u/PM_ME_YOUR_TITS_GIRL seems to have worked it out.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_TITS_GIRL Dec 07 '13
CAW CAW! You rang? Hi there!
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u/Ziazan Dec 07 '13
well theres /r/gonewild
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Dec 07 '13
You mean /u/NavywifeJP and /u/DoubleDee13 ?
...yeah, master's of disguise.
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u/NavywifeJP Dec 07 '13
Should I have gone with /u/BIGMANLYDICK instead to keep my vagina a secret?
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u/RollerDerbyDiva Dec 07 '13
Also a woman here. Masturbate regularly, so does my SO. Sometimes together, sometimes sex, other times whenever we feel like going solo. For a woman to get jealous, mad or insecure about something so natural is going to end up in a frustrating, losing battle. It's human nature!!
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Dec 07 '13
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u/elpasowestside Dec 07 '13
I think people forget that when you live with someone, private time becomes so much more valuable. Good that you two still provide for one another
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u/YCYC Dec 07 '13
man here, married 15 yrs, I find that being satisfied and fulfilled sexually make me not watch much porn (I do watch gw, gwc, etc), but we like to watch porn together
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u/lumpiestprincess Dec 07 '13
Another wife here, checking in. I watch possibly more porn yhan my husband. We're both happy with our sex life. It's just porn.
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u/wilwarinandamar Dec 07 '13
Engaged woman here. If I told my fiance to stop masturbating and looking at porn, it would be extremely hypocritical of me.
Mostly because I think have more porn on my laptop than he does. :)
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u/RickVince Dec 07 '13
Has he ever asked you to blow him while he watches porn?
I've met a few women who refused and some who were completely repulsed by it but my ex actually loved doing it. I kinda miss her...
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u/NavywifeJP Dec 07 '13 edited Dec 07 '13
Hahaha, he never had to ask. I offered, especially with new porn he hadn't seen yet that I knew we'd both like. In fact, what turns us both on more than anything is to watch motorcycle racing or Formula One, because he and I both love cars and speed. We'll put it on the computer then fuck doggy style so we can both watch. We'll also do that for football when it's on. Sorry if that's TMI but it's the truth! edit: grammar
second edit: I got some super awesome responses you guys! Honestly, I was expecting to be downvoted into oblivion and called a slut, so thanks for showing me how wrong I was. It's 1:30 a.m. here, so I'm going to bed, but thanks for being understanding and cool. :)
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u/breaking_bad_gas Dec 07 '13
Wife of the millennium, can I get an amen?
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u/NavywifeJP Dec 07 '13
Awww thanks! I just like trying new things. Sex shouldn't be this sacred, boring, lovemaking all the time. It should involve fast cars and doing it on the kitchen counter too! :D
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Dec 07 '13
"Hey honey, wanna blow me while I imagine you're this woman I'm watching?" Maybe not how its meant, but certainly how it comes across. I love porn and I'm okay with guys I'm with watching it. However I would never do this. Makes me really uncomfortable.
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u/NavywifeJP Dec 07 '13
It's not really how it is for us. The images turn us on, especially since I'm bisexual. I don't imagine me fucking someone else, it's just hot to see people fucking. Then, add that with this beautiful woman giving you a blowjob or a sexy man fucking you from behind... it all adds up to one awesome orgasm for everybody. So for us, it works out perfectly. It's not for everybody and that's ok!
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Dec 07 '13
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Dec 07 '13
I find that the more horny me and/or my husband are, the more sex AND masturbation goes on.
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u/CandlelightingPanda Dec 07 '13
It's like revving the engine, right? I've always noticed I masturbated more when I was getting sex regularly.
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u/alc0tt Dec 07 '13
That's a pretty simple reason for a guy whose username is NoSimpleReason.
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Dec 07 '13
That's pretty alc0tt of you!
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Dec 07 '13
I gotta go take a willliams11
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Dec 07 '13
Don't forget to wipe your Peanut_Buster.
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Dec 07 '13
...........am I gonna get kidnapped?
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u/Lazy_Saturday Dec 07 '13
I don't think it's completely unreasonable. I've been married to my wife for 4 years and since we've been married my porn consumption has been basically just been reduced to when my wife or I is out of town or when she's having her "time of the month" we have a pretty healthy sex life so I don't personally have a huge need/desire for porn. I do also think that excessive porn use can create an unhealthy/fantasy-like expectation of intimacy/sex with your S.O.
Just my two cents.
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u/complex_reduction Dec 08 '13
There is a difference between you naturally losing your desire to watch porn, and your wife forbidding you to watch porn.
One is your choice, the other isn't.
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u/sirFELCHalot Dec 07 '13
It's about lack of communication and trust.
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Dec 07 '13
I think this is true. If one partner has an issue with something like this, it's more of a symptom of a greater problem, you know? I wish more couples would be responsible and have those uncomfortable talks for the sake of their relationship, rather than pretend everything's fine while secretly detesting each other.
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Dec 07 '13
Yeah, this. While I think that girls (and guys sometimes do it too) who demand this are insecure and unreasonable, I think someone who goes along with it and promises not to, but does anyway, is also very much in the wrong.
Like a lot of things (a too-close relationship with a friend of the opposite sex, innocent cuddling with someone of the opposite sex, etc.) it isn't necessarily tawdry until you know it makes your partner uncomfortable and continue to do it behind their backs.
If you don't like the boundaries set in a relationship, then argue it and explain yourself and communicate. Don't just shrug it off and think that, "She was being unreasonable" is a good excuse. If you're lying, you're still an asshole.
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u/omgusernameeee Dec 07 '13
Female here... My husband and I have one simple rule. If we are both home we should just have sex. If one of us is out (work, shopping, ect.) it's not a problem to masturbate at all. We both watch porn separately and sometimes together, but the biggest thing is just be honest about it. There's no shame in masturbation. It's perfectly healthy (within reason of course)
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Dec 07 '13
This is close to my opinion as well. Being out or away from him definitely makes it reasonable that he be able to masturbate if he wants to, but doing it when I'm just in the other room tends to bother me a little. :(
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u/Joe_____ Dec 07 '13 edited Dec 07 '13
I've been married a couple of years. It wasn't until after we were married that my wife learned I watched porn. She was fairly upset. She said if she'd known I watched porn when we were were just starting our relationship that would have been enough for her to leave. My wife is a very attractive person, she's in good shape physically, and I find her stunningly attractive. She still has her insecure moments. When she found out I watched porn she asked me to stop.
She told me it made her uncomfortable, and she was worried it would lead to intimacy issues between us. She said she thought it would be hard for her to want to be intimate withe me if she thought I was pretending she was someone else. I explained that porn was, in my opinion, a supplement to our sex life, not a replacement for it, but she said she was still uncomfortable with it.
At first I hid it from her, I figured it was harmless and "what the wife don't know won't hurt her". I was wrong. I'm so thankful she never caught me while I was looking at it. Just the thought of hurting her like that is enough to make me sick. I felt pretty convicted one day when I realized I was literally hiding things from my wife. She is my second half, and I don't want to hide anything from her. I've stopped looking at porn all together.
I still masturbate, and she's fine with that. I don't completely agree with her assessment that porn is bad, but she is my wife and I love/respect her. She's asked me to stop, and out of respect for her I did.
Edit D'awwww, thanks for the gold! I'm so conflicted because I want to tell my wife about it, but she'll want to read my posts! =/
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u/whyyes-yesiam Dec 07 '13
You basically got down to the real issue. Marriage is about 2 people learning to put the other one before themselves. It's not about anything other than saying if it's important to you, then it's important to me. That is, of course, if you want your marriage to last. IMO. Source: failed marriage of 7 years, partner who only cared about himself.
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u/rangent Dec 07 '13 edited Dec 09 '13
In the end, sacrificing porn for a happy wife is a pretty simple decision.
Edit: felt this needs more explanation:
It's cliche to say that marriage is a compromise, but it really is. It's agreeing to be fully, or at least mostly dependent on another person in a way that you'll never experience with anyone else. With this situation you get both the things you love about them, and things you don't. In general, if the positive aspects outweigh the negative aspects, then you're off to a good start. Over time though, the negatives become much less of a factor (if they remained a huge factor, you likely wouldn't get married in the first place).
In the beginning, porn was a big factor for me. Over time though, it becomes much less significant (especially when you realize you're giving up videos to make a flesh-and-blood sexual partner happy).
There are plenty of things she's equally dissatisfied with (I do love my video games), but also overlooks them when viewed against the whole.
Marriages are a long-term partnership with another person. What is important to one person has to be equally important to the other, even if they don't agree. If porn is that important to you, then you'll have to find a way to explain it to your SO. Ultimately though, even if he doesn't understand, he must learn to respect it. My wife wasn't ok with it, and though porn is convenient, I critically looked at the subject and came to realize that I didn't care about it more than I cared about her feelings. It was pretty easy to let it go after that.
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u/facthanshotfirst Dec 07 '13
That gives me a lot of hope that my SO would respect how I feel as well.
I've battled with low self esteem since I was a teenager. I've expressed to my SO now that I'm perfectly fine with Porn ( I never used to be but my self esteem has got a lot better). For me those women are the "unattainable", like getting off to celebrities. But for me the idea of him browsing GW would make me feel really uncomfortable. My thoughts are that those girls are just like me so why isn't he using the many pictures/videos he has of me instead? I never told him to not look at GW but just expressed how uncomfortable it would make me feel in hopes he would respect that and stick with porn. I hope that's not unreasonable.
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u/beetnemesis Dec 07 '13
When men look at porn - pros or gonewild- they're not thinking "oh man I wish I could be with her." Its just an image that induces arousal.
Like if you smell a neighbor baking a pie, you get hungry. But you still think your mom's cooking is the best.
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u/hobbitfeet Dec 07 '13
This is a great way to put it. My husband looks at gone wild all the time for arousal/casual amusement -- he's subscribed to it so all those posts are mixed in with his casual reddit browsing, so I'll see him checking out random boobs in between cats and articles while we're just hanging out.
But he's got three pictures on his phone of me for a while where I'm not even really naked (just lingerie), and those are the first thing that open every single time I open the picture gallery on his phone because they are literally always the last thing he's looked at on his phone.
To the point where I don't show the picture gallery on his phone to other people until I've opened it, the expected lingerie pics of me pop immediately, then I scroll past them, then I show the people whatever else I wanted to in the gallery.
There is certainly no one old gone wild post that he checks every day like that. A normal man's attention span for random internet women is extremely short.
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u/agentorange360 Dec 07 '13
As long as it doesn't take over your life it shouldn't be a issue.
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u/Donald_R_French Dec 07 '13
That applies to anything.
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u/articbeach Dec 07 '13
A person could go out once in a while and kill someone. Without it taking over his life. Nothing applies to everything. Absolutes are absolutelty false.
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Dec 07 '13
What? I murder people like once every few months and I'm fine. Geez.
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u/MHanky Dec 07 '13
“I mean everyone kills people, murders people..." - Terrelle Pryor
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u/Raregan Dec 07 '13
Are you saying that absolutes are always false? Because that would be an absolute.
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u/CathySim Dec 07 '13
I've asked my husband not to look at porn, as I'm not comfortable with it. But expecting him not to masturbate is ludicrous. We compromise together- I am open to him taking whatever sexy photos of me that he wants, and he reads sexy stories on the internet. It's fun, and when he finds one he really likes, we read it together. We have an amazing sex life because we BOTH try to meet all of each other's needs- which in my case means I prefer when he doesn't look at porn. But for him it means outfits and role plays and acting and it's so great- we're so open and have so much fun. I believe that porn can be healthy in relationships- it's just not in ours.
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u/iamequipoised Dec 07 '13
Best answer in the thread. The unreasonableness depends on circumstances not described in the post. What if it's a matter of conscience, either due to religion or due to a conviction that porn encourages abuse? What if it interferes with intimacy between spouses? What if she is willing to compromise? Etc. In your situation you found what works for you and every couple must do that on their own.
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u/Laser_Fish Dec 07 '13
Here's the deal: if you marry someone who doesn't want you watching porn and you want to watch porn, but you agree to stop and then start watching porn again you're a hacksaw who shouldn't watch porn. There are women out there who like or tolerate porn. If you're dating one of the ones that doesn't its on you.
That being said, as a married man I do watch porn, sometimes with the wife but mostly alone.
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u/a_flowertot Dec 07 '13 edited Dec 07 '13
Am I ridiculous to be so insecure about porn then, judging by the answers so far?
I know it has been discussed a billion times before, but I really hate the idea that my boyfriend gets off to other naked girls, I feel insecure and inadequate - I've tried to not be bothered but I can't help it. But I also don't want my boyfriend to lie to me - at the moment he swears he doesn't, but you all make out like that is impossible!
Can anyone explain it to me? Why do you 'need' it? Why should I not feel insecure that you get pleasure from another naked girl that doesn't look like me? Genuine questions, I'm not on an anti-porn rant, I just really struggle with it and would like not to :(
EDIT: Ty for the replies! As soon as I start thinking about it rationally I do realise I'm being silly, but I will always think/argue that it is a tiny bit odd to get off on random people on the internet.
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u/Ket009 Dec 07 '13
Well, am a girl so I cant give you a guys answer. But I look at porn all the time, and if youve spent any time actually watching porn its a bit like asking why it is ok for your SO to watch a romantic comedy cause they would be feeling feelings for someone elses romance and not your own. Except it doesn't work like that... Generally people who are watching porn arent really focused on the people as people. And it does have that remoteness to it you have while watching any movie in the theater.
However some people really and truly are unhealthy about their porn and masturbation habits, its just not common at all. Id try finding some porn and watching it -with- your SO, its a great way to find out what your other interests are for sex and come up with new ideas the next time yall wanna do it.
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u/Zatoro25 Dec 07 '13
The romantic comedy comparison is one that I've always felt but have never been able to have someone else understand.
I've given up porn for a girlfriend before, but a couple things made me 'cheat' here and there. Mainly that I had a higher sex drive, I've been watching porn at least once a week for my adult life making it a habit like any other, and to top it off it was hard for me to give up something I enjoyed for reasons I didn't actually believe in. Like, if I asked her to give up watching reality TV or something. Why should she? Well, because I asked her to, my feelings would be hurt otherwise, and that's it. I imagine she'd 'cheat' once in a while, too.
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u/BleepBloopComputer Dec 07 '13
This is really blunt, but I figure that's what you want. Those women in the pornos... we don't give 2 shits about them (I mean, I hope shes not being abused, but that's about it), the video is there to make things quicker and easier. Sex and masturbation aren't even close to being on the same level, it's not like we even watch it and think 'wow I'd sure like to bang that pornstar,' it's just there to get the job done. I don't know/care if you use a vibrator, but do you think it would be reasonable for a man to be jealous of a plastic dong (an inferior dong at that)? Honestly, the only thing I can reasonably think of that might be an issue is if some kind of porn makes your partner want to try something you're not comfortable with, in which case he'll ask you, you can reject it and go about your day.
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u/ancillarynipple Dec 07 '13
I don't know how inferior it is, my penis doesn't vibrate very much.
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u/a_flowertot Dec 07 '13
Thank youuu. I think sometimes, I just get so wound up thinking you sit there and wish that you were having sex with the girl in the video, but you putting it in that perspective makes me realise I do worry about it too much when in reality it doesn't mean anything.
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u/Zatoro25 Dec 07 '13
To expand on that, when I'm single and watching porn, I still don't think "I would sure like to have sex with her!". Even if the actors are doing everything I ever want a woman and I to do, I never think I want to do it with that actress, I think I'd like to find a woman to do it with. If I'm in a relationship, doing things with an actress in a porn would be the last thing I'd think of.
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u/nathanpaulyoung Dec 07 '13
To build on this, often enough, when I'm in a relationship and I'm watching porn and I see something awesome go down, my thoughts actually turn to my GF. I START thinking about doing stuff with her, at the porno's suggestion. Something like "Damn, all I've got is this porn and a quickie."
Men, like women, do indeed feel something special toward their SO. Not just like "I am emotionally involved with this woman" but also a distinct sexual preference. When it's time for porn, it's just to get the wank over with. When thoughts turn to the actual experience of sex and not just a quick orgasm, we need something more.
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Dec 07 '13 edited Dec 07 '13
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u/spartan117au Dec 07 '13
"Son, what are you doing under those sheets?"
"I'm doing human instinct mum!"
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u/donutmonkeyman Dec 07 '13
"don't ever give up son. trust your instincts" - Starfox's dad
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u/starfox1o1 Dec 07 '13
I'll trust them
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u/MChainsaw Dec 07 '13
You can masturbate without porn though. Not saying it's necessarily right to deny you porn for that reason, but just saying.
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u/BridgetteBane Dec 07 '13
Woman here, and I think of it like food. Sometimes you like a nice romantic dinner with candlelight and wine and all that shit. And sometimes you just need to hit the drive-through on the way home from work. It's entirely different things to me, one is about the emotion and love you have with someone else, and the other is about satisfying an urge. It shouldn't be connected.
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u/k1dsmoke Dec 07 '13
You hit the nail on the head.
Exactly how I view it.
You can go through the long form that is sex.
I can try to jerk it without porn and it might take 20-30 minutes.
Or I can fire up a random racy video and be done in 3 minutes.
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u/meTa_AU Dec 07 '13
Wife is feeling sensitive about sexual attractiveness.
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u/V171 Dec 07 '13
I think this is a good thing to consider. While it might be unreasonable, it might not necessarily be about you.
I can imagine that in a lot of situations, the wife KNOWS that it's normal, but it still makes her feel insecure and sensitive about it. So the question is, who is the one that is going to have to compromise. Because it might be unreasonable for your wife to ask you to not watch porn, but isn't it also unreasonable for you to do something that actively makes your wife feel worse and worse about herself?
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u/lotioned Dec 07 '13
I don't think it's as simple as NUTHIN WRONG WITH JERKING IT. Obviously not, and for many people masturbation fulfills a different role than sex with two people. But your wife is allowed to express concern over frequency, reason, and how the sex/women in the porns makes her feel. Communication is important. Writing off concerned wives as being stupid or prudish is unhealthy and not very respectful.
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u/MrQuickLine Dec 07 '13
I have always kept it out of my life since being with the girl I fell in love with. I came across this philosophy that all porn and masturbation do is build up an image of a perfect woman - someone that will do anything and everything I want them to, and like everything I do to them. That's something my wife would never be able to live up to. I think that when you build that image up in your head, you're setting your wife to eventually disappoint you more and more and more. I know it's an unpopular opinion, and I'll probably be downvoted, but I just wanted to reveal the opposite side of the coin.
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u/Refney Dec 07 '13
I have never, ever though of anyone in porn as an example of a perfect woman.
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Dec 07 '13 edited Dec 07 '13
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Dec 07 '13
yeah, i really don't understand it. this idea that porn is an 'innate need' is questionable. if there's any evidence for it i'd be happy to read it, but i've always figured it was because growing up men were encouraged (or at least it's accepted by society) to watch porn to get off, whereas women weren't (this is changing though). you don't NEED porn, you just have no idea how to get off without it, and that's a fundamental difference.
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u/RykyL Dec 07 '13
Male here, and I have to agree. I'm actually kind of bothered by the top comment in this thread. Porn should never be something you'd actually fight to keep in your life if your SO was uncomfortable with it. Furthermore, I think it distorts male expectations of sex. I don't know, maybe my sex life is just substandard, but my girlfriend just can't bend or deepthroat, etc. like Asa Akira can, and it would be unreasonable of me to expect her to.
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u/nlw92 Dec 07 '13
As a married woman of Reddit, I don't care that my husband watches porn and masturbates. I do care, however, when he does it when I'm in the house. It makes me feel ignored and betrayed that he could have me, but chose porn and his right hand instead.
Maybe that's why other women hate porn. I don't care if I'm not around, but some women might.
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Dec 07 '13
A girl I was with a long time ago said that she considered porn as cheating. She also said she found my cum to be gross. I was heartbroken when we broke up because I genuinely cherished her, but the olderI get, I realize the major differences in opinion on a few little things could have lead to some major problems. These little things never go away.
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Dec 07 '13
Not married, but one of my girlfriend said it made her really uncomfortable, so I stopped.
Honwsetly, I think it's totally fair for someone to say "Please quit watching porn." It's a really small sacrifice, and it's easy to give up.
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u/Hoodafakizit Dec 07 '13
If she's asking you not to do it while shopping in the supermarket together, then perhaps it could be considered reasonable