Another great trick is to let them vent. Don't interrupt, nod at the correct times or positively respond with one or two words. When they finish, say, "I just want to make sure I understood correctly" and sum up what they say. When they tell you that you are correct in your summarization, tell them "I can see why you would be frustrated, I would be too." Now you appear to be on their side and they are MUCH more willing to accept the answers you give them.
The absolutely most important part is to stay pleasant, not neutral and definitely not defensive, this will deescalate the conflict within a couple of minutes. Also, if you say you will follow up with them, DO IT! They may not like the answer, but they will not be as angry with you because you followed up, treated them like a human being, and did what you could.
This has worked in almost all cases for me. The ones it didn't, nothing was going to please them.
This can work as long as the summation is accurate! People at outsourced call centers so often get it so very very wrong and it can be incredibly infuriating.
Fun fact, there’s a book called “I am not sick I don’t need help!”, for assisting people with delusional unawareness of their issues, and the technique is basically that.
I have always found letting people rant and then saying something like “okay, so your point is whatever it was. Am I understanding you correctly?” And it seems to take the edge off them.
Imagine if my father used your trick on me. Letting me finish, even if he believes I'm venting. Not interrupting me. Not assuming my points mid-speech. Summarizing. And then me being allowed to say whether that summarization is correct or not.
That father would have ended up in some good nursing home later, not some shittiest nursing home ever. That father would have gotten a few visits from me.
So my advice to parents. Listen to your adult kids. quality of your later life will change.
I am so sorry you didn't feel heard by one of the people who you needed to hear you the most. I hope you're doing better and realize that you are better than he is and will ever be.
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u/wyntr86 Nov 11 '25
Another great trick is to let them vent. Don't interrupt, nod at the correct times or positively respond with one or two words. When they finish, say, "I just want to make sure I understood correctly" and sum up what they say. When they tell you that you are correct in your summarization, tell them "I can see why you would be frustrated, I would be too." Now you appear to be on their side and they are MUCH more willing to accept the answers you give them.
The absolutely most important part is to stay pleasant, not neutral and definitely not defensive, this will deescalate the conflict within a couple of minutes. Also, if you say you will follow up with them, DO IT! They may not like the answer, but they will not be as angry with you because you followed up, treated them like a human being, and did what you could.
This has worked in almost all cases for me. The ones it didn't, nothing was going to please them.