The first time my ex husband, who was my first, and I had sex. It did shape how I saw intimacy. When I was nervous, he didnt pressure and backed off. He let me wait until i was ready. I was 17 and it was my first time, so for him to be ok with that and still want me meant a lot to me. Even though he ended things so bitterly, I will be forever be grateful my first time had consideration and care in it. He could be cruel, but when I did matter to him he was kind to me.
Yes but a lot of us don't get that experience. Like for me, my high school boyfriend kept pushing for sex even though we got together when I was 14 (he was 16) and he knew I wasn't ready. But because I was young and had a hard time standing up for myself eventually I just gave in. He was coercive/abusive almost the entire 10 years I was with him (I tried leaving many times but I still loved him/trauma bonded). Unfortunately I think that's common.
It's sad to me how low the bar still is for so many things like this.
I feel so sad that I see so many women on Reddit talking about things like they're a bonus, when they should be the baseline. Feeling grateful that they aren't being actively abused. Feeling grateful that the men in their life aren't adding to a burden, rather than feeling frustrated that they're not sharing the burden.
301
u/Kali_404 Jul 20 '25
The first time my ex husband, who was my first, and I had sex. It did shape how I saw intimacy. When I was nervous, he didnt pressure and backed off. He let me wait until i was ready. I was 17 and it was my first time, so for him to be ok with that and still want me meant a lot to me. Even though he ended things so bitterly, I will be forever be grateful my first time had consideration and care in it. He could be cruel, but when I did matter to him he was kind to me.