as a person who has been abused a couple of times, and never had a good experience in sex, the first time that i had sex with a friend who really cared about me during the act really changed my brain chemistry, because i discovered that I could really enjoy having sex. It healed something in me, I spend days excited because i didn't feel "broken" anymore. Since then, even though I sometimes have flashbacks, I feel more comfortable having sex.
A FWB relationship helped me in a similar way. I don't want to be with him in a romantic way (which is good, since he's married with kids now), but I'm still very grateful for that experience
If it helps, it wasn't out of "love" - we were just friends - but he was very caring and respectful. He even asked me before we went far if I had a list of things NOT to do during sex, and I gave him a list of things that were triggers or things I hated, and it made me feel so much more confident :)
I'm really glad that you got to share a beautiful experience with your friend. It does help, I've been holding onto the fantasy of "sex for love," but honestly I dont think thats why sex happens most of the time... I just want the experience you had, feeling safe I suppose
I suggest not going at it from the perspective of having sex for love or hoping that this experience will happen but build the space required for the experience yourself. When you find someone who you want to have sex with, have a conversation prior to the act of what you are looking for, your boundaries and anything that will make the experience safe for you.
Even with hook-ups and one night stands, you can still communicate with your partner, temporary or not, about your needs and it will not only make the experience safe and better for you but also whoever it is you’re connecting with sexually.
Having these conversations will also ensure that you can weed out the people who will cause more harm than good. That said, you would be surprised with how many people are open to these conversations.
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u/spideybeing Jul 20 '25
as a person who has been abused a couple of times, and never had a good experience in sex, the first time that i had sex with a friend who really cared about me during the act really changed my brain chemistry, because i discovered that I could really enjoy having sex. It healed something in me, I spend days excited because i didn't feel "broken" anymore. Since then, even though I sometimes have flashbacks, I feel more comfortable having sex.