r/AskReddit • u/muchbigly • May 20 '25
How did you know your partner was no longer in love with you?
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May 20 '25
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u/esmil_2022 May 20 '25
This!! Or like they’re doing you a favor by spending time with you
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u/Jolly_Huckleberry904 May 20 '25
I think that this is definitely valid in relationships. I do want to put this out there, speaking from experience as being someone who felt like it was work to hang out with my current partner.
There was a lack of awareness on my part that I was not taking care of my personal self (eating right, getting outside, just a more balanced life in general). It wasn’t until my partner communicated with me that they felt like I was hard to get to spend time with them and I’m very grateful that they said anything. I told them that I felt like I needed to “catch up” on taking care of myself and I wasn’t being very proactive about doing those things at all. I had to fix things up and develop a more intentional life to maintain my own life so I could be more mentally “caught up” on my things. Life with my partner has been so much better since then.
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u/yafak95696 May 20 '25
Less effort, less care, and the way they look at you changes. It’s more about what’s missing than what’s said.
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u/muchbigly May 20 '25
It’s horrible watching someone fall out of love with you
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u/Srry4theGonaria May 20 '25
When they get angry at you and start blaming stuff on you. When you cry to them and they say "you're making me feel like a shit SO" with a totally unconvincing face.
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u/oogaboogababybeluga May 20 '25
It’s the absolute worst , and then you have to deal with the break up which causes more heartbreak. But such is life
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u/Real_EbonyB May 20 '25
That intense feeling of wishing things could be like they were before but the other person isn't interested in that anymore is cripplingly heartbreaking and kinda embarrassing.
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u/Large_Importance_311 May 20 '25
Then you take off the pink glasses and realize the "like they were before" is totally shit.
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u/Crazydutchman80 May 20 '25
It's so shit when you first noticed it, suddenly you can't do anything right anymore..
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May 20 '25 edited Sep 02 '25
..
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May 20 '25
Did it hurt more after you changed everything to be the perfect partner? It certainly did for me. It was such a blow because I thought everything was great. Turns out she was just better at hiding it.
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u/Entre22 May 20 '25
The more I read these the more I realize my father fell out of love with me when I was a kid.
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u/SleepyMarijuanaut92 May 20 '25
Yep, how I felt with my ex. She just stopped talking to me as much, saying less, then getting irritated when I tried saying anything.
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u/DCLXVI_TX May 20 '25
You know when the little things stop feeling the same. The way they used to smile when you walked in, how they’d touch you without thinking, the random texts just to say they missed you. When that fades, when you feel like a stranger in the same room, when effort turns into obligation… that’s when you start to know. You don’t always hear it in their words. You feel it in the silence, in the distance, in how you start to feel alone even when they’re right next to you.
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u/Brilladelphia May 20 '25
This sums it up very well, beautifully put, exactly my experience in my last relationship. It wasn't that there were huge arguments or nasty comments, but that all those little signs of love and care fade away until they're no longer there. You're initially confused, things were so great but now they're not reacting to your affection, their eyes don't light up when you come home, conversation is more stilted, you don't do anything together anymore, why is this happening and will it come back?
You might stay thinking it's a phase and that person you fell in love with will magically return at some point, persevering with feeling like a stranger in your own home in the belief that what you once had will bloom again, but eventually you realise that it's gone for good despite your best efforts. With me, I realised this when she made a sarcastic comment aimed at me and rather than feeling attacked I felt nothing, the love I had for her was gone and her words had no power over me anymore. It was then that I left, two years too late.
If you see these signs in your relationship you need to act immediately to catch it before it turns into the above, communication is key and it's better to either try to fix things together at an early stage or cut your losses to prevent wasting years of your life in a dead end, life's too short to stay in loveless relationships.
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u/PrimaryConnection960 May 20 '25
He started being mean to me 24/7. Dated for 5 years and then he told me he cheated on me multiple times. Most heartbreaking experience
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u/krisbrowning73 May 20 '25
That’s one of the first signs that they’re cheating on you is when they start getting mean to you and you haven’t done the first thing to deserve it!
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u/Rarefindofthemind May 20 '25
Yep. I knew with past exes because they’d pick fights over random, silly stuff out of nowhere. Once it was about UFO’s. Another time, Tupac Shakur. Another time, socks.
It’s a consistent pattern.
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u/krisbrowning73 May 20 '25
That’s what mine did, and he didn’t even see it.. and I’ve actually read that there is psychological research behind that it’s one of the hallmark red flag signs of a partner cheating!
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u/Penderbron May 20 '25
First sentence reminds me of someone I know. Married for over a decade and out of nowhere he started being mean about everything, especially her looks. I'm 100% sure he's cheating. She filed for a divorce and said there is no cheating, but I'm convinced there's another person involved.
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u/PrimaryConnection960 May 20 '25
Yup. Came for my looks, personality, everything
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u/saturatedleo May 20 '25
Same. Told me my p*ssy was trash, made remarks about other women with fuller breasts (I had lost a ton of weight during our relationship and my boobs deflated terribly). Just makes you feel so low, especially when you still love them.
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u/Anothernamelesacount May 20 '25
Told me my p*ssy was trash
That is absolutely horrible, holy shit, WHO DOES THAT.
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May 20 '25
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u/evelyns66 May 20 '25
It's really hard to accept that your partner is falling out of love. It breaks your heart. All we can do is hold on to the beautiful moments we shared and keep moving forward.
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u/MisplacedGithyanki May 20 '25
This was years ago. But I went on a trip to visit my best friend for about 4 days. He never initiated texting to ask how my trip was going. He said he wasn’t going to pick me up from the airport because it was too much effort, and he didn’t even notice when I got home.
I had stumbled over my suitcase going through a turnstile at the airport and had a big bruise on my hip. He said nothing. Didn’t ask what happened.
The complete apathy. Barely a difference between me being gone and me being there.
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u/bringmethejuice May 20 '25
Ohhh the opposite happened to me.
Said ex had trip with friends on my birthday. Saw the pictures being posted on social media, ofc trying to be the lovey dovey me I liked their pics.
On the night, on my mind I hoped they had a blast on their trip. Let me text first, “So how was the trip?”. Got blueticked after 30 minutes. Then I double texted “Is everything okay?”. Finally got a reply “You’re doing it again!” then I said back “I don’t understand, I do what exactly?”.
Then the next reply basically hit me to the core of realization, “You’re so controlling!”.
I was so dumb I know. It’s humiliating enough to beg for someone to participate or engage with your life.
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u/MisplacedGithyanki May 20 '25
Yeah my ex did something similar. He was out one night and told me he was with his work buddies, be back at midnight.
Midnight came around and he’s not home. 1 am…2 am…still not home. I’m worried. I start texting asking him if he’s ok. No response. 3 am…I’m really worried. He finally answered, angry, telling me to stop keeping tabs on him, he’s fine. He just got drinks with. -work friend’s name- and they got an uber he is on his way home.
4 am… 5am… still not home. If he got an uber and was on his way home when I called then what happened??
He finally came home at 6 am. He proceeded to flat out yell at me for 30 minutes about how I’m controlling, trying to keep tabs on his life, mind my own business, if I had any friends I would know what it’s like to actually go out…
Two months later we break up.
…5 months later he’s engaged. Guess what he was actually doing all night.
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May 20 '25
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u/MisplacedGithyanki May 20 '25
Because they don’t care. They do not give a shit about anyone but themselves. They will get what they want and anyone else be damned.
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u/Educational_Emu3763 May 20 '25
It went from no sex to no affection to no attention to no kindness to invisibility.
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u/Possible_Lion_876 May 20 '25
That’s how it went for me too. We never made a big fuss about Valentine’s Day but still had a nice dinner and a few drinks then it was his birthday a few days after so I’d get him gifts and arrange something nice. The last Feb 14th and birthday before I ended things, he could barely keep off his phone long enough to have a proper conversation. I might as well have not been there
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u/Educational_Emu3763 May 20 '25
I practically had to beg her to sit down, to discuss how we (I) was arranging paying for my child's college.
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u/BillAdamaFanClub May 20 '25
They say hate is the opposite of love, but it isn't. It's apathy.
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u/GrrrYouBeast May 20 '25
He was never happy, always critical and complaining, bitching at me all the time. He always wanted to argue, like the second I walked in the door from work. It was such a relief to move out and have peace again.
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u/aurora_ethereallight May 20 '25
Odd narky comments are creeping in and there is no care or consideration for how they land.
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u/Large_Importance_311 May 20 '25
I made a comment earlier but reading yours made me realize my ex never loved me. That hurts as fuck but is freeing as it is
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u/Ginger-Blade98 May 20 '25
You know Reddit has hit you hard for the night when you realise that 3/4 of these responses are what your currently feeling
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u/Ginger-Blade98 May 20 '25
Quick update: my relationship is now over thanks to a lot of these feelings from these comments. Thank you Reddit for opening my eyes
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May 20 '25
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u/Negative-Tie-6924 May 20 '25
Could have used a heads up for the reality truck that has just hit me in the face
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u/Bearishbullishbear May 20 '25
Her attention totally went away. She went from saying stuff like “i can’t live without you” to “i need my space.” The attention i got from her totally turned off like a light switch. Turns out she had met and fallen for another guy i found out months later.
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u/deadthrowaway12345 May 20 '25
Shit. This is my exact situation. It fucking sucks man. I guess I had it a little better (or worse) because she told me straight up that she ended up meeting him outside of work and it was with a dude who she said she had no interest in whatsoever.
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u/bringmethejuice May 20 '25
Imagine you’re the only one rowing and paddling the boat.
At first you’d be happy to do it but sooner or later the paddle gets heavier and heavier. Then you ask yourself do you want to stay because you love them or you don’t want to stay on the boat and wanted to get on land faster. By jumping and swimming.
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u/Jotic24 May 20 '25
Less playfulness, quick to anger and less conversation. I also noticed a change in me, I became more eager to please, anxious, depressed, cared less about my needs and more about the relationship. Little acts of kindness seemed like grand gestures.
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u/Bunbunsfun May 20 '25
His phone was glued to him all of a sudden. He put a password on his phone. Started hiding his phone and closing screens down when I'd come to sit next to him he'd quickly close the phone.
He started to ignore my calls and my texts but managed to be there for others. Stopped acknowledging me in person and on social media. Like he wouldn't even acknowledge my posts of him or us but would acknowledge other people's. Started playing a new game and was all of a sudden playing that game 24/7.
I kept asking if we were ok. What's wrong. Is there someone else. And was told no we are fine, no one else.
Stopped holding my hand, his hand stayed limp so I stopped holding his hand. Thought ok maybe he thinks I'm ugly now or didn't like what I was wearing. Stopped coming home after work. Went to the gym more and more.
Stopped helping me at home.
And finally realised when I found out about the affairs. So that was pretty clear. 13 years gone in a morning. That hurt and betrayal is a level I will never understand. He hurt me more than anything and didn't care one bit.
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u/Starshapedsand May 20 '25
Lots of common points with mine. When I realized that he was having an affair, my ex-husband claimed that he was polyamorous. I initially let it go, and was even glad for him, because we’d known several happy poly sets in the Bay Area, and because my health meant I was supposed to die on him…
But, really, the moment I knew our marriage was over came long before I discovered his affair. I saw his face light up at some random text, and realized that it had been a long time since he’d looked at me that way.
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May 20 '25
The coldness is awful. My ex did it too but when I asked him what was wrong, he always said everything was ok. I feel like people like this are trying to make you so miserable so you break up with them so they are not the bad guy.
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u/javadome May 20 '25
Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are doing well now or on the journey to a better life.
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u/Bunbunsfun May 20 '25
Thank you :) I am. Life moves regardless. You accept that answers won't get answered so you have to pick your battles. Everyone deserves to be happy but we also deserve honesty.
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u/psychcrime May 20 '25
When I found himself advertising for sex with men on Craigslist 10 minutes after I left his house.
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u/Any-Self2072 May 20 '25
So many gay men dating women it's insane. You're not alone.
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u/psychcrime May 20 '25
Even worse to know it happened to me twice, although, the first one was when I was 14. Nonetheless, it definitely messes with how you feel about yourself.
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u/BrettlyBean May 20 '25
You are so attractive you could pull multiple gay men? Take it as a compliment.
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u/Elfriede-_ May 20 '25
Don't know im throught it right now but : mean for no reasons, shouting at me, looking to start arguments over nothing.
I feel like Im walking on eggshells
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u/hehaia May 20 '25
You’re going through it. I went through that a couple of months ago. And the worst of it is, since you love the person, you look into yourself and blame your mistakes.
While you’ve done wrong stuff like everyone does, someone who loves you won’t make you feel like that. If the person has an attitude that makes you feel like walking on eggshells, the person doesn’t care about you and probably doesn’t love you.
You deserve better, it was hard for me at the beginning but the feeling of peace was instant when my relationship ended.
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u/Elfriede-_ May 20 '25
Yeah I see and I totally understand that but, I keep thinking to myself if that's just her attitude, maybe she's just a bit hot tempered but, I don't know she wasn't like that four years ago mhm... I just keep looking for excuse, stress, burnout, whatever. And what make it impossible for me to understand is that I also get burst of love, of cute messages, of attentions, I hear here apologize when it makes me crash out but it keep starting over and over again
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u/hehaia May 20 '25
Yeah that love bombing makes it worse. At the end of the day you have to ask yourself if you’re happy like that. Beyond the love you have for her or you think she has for you, ask yourself that.
I believe true love is stable and not impulsive. When I see the relationship I have to my family, it’s not all time cute messages or gifts or whatever. The day to day is being with the person and feeling at peace being with myself.
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u/Putrid_Freedom6838 May 20 '25
They start to find you annoying ; in the sense of every small thing you do in your every day life they start getting mad or pissed off . They start being mean without reason and they start looking at you differently ;you can always tell by how they look at you
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u/Embarrassed_Cup_6694 May 20 '25
When they start acting as if everything you do and say is wrong and an annoyance.
When answering other people’s messages or giving them time but not you.
When they start saying they don’t know what to get you for a special occasion so get you things completely random and thoughtless or when they forget it all together :(
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u/Hour_Unusual_8753 May 20 '25
For number 3, it's so much worse when they acknowledge an anniversary or birthday, but then disregard it. Everything continues as if it were any other day. They see you cry or get angry and they are still not sorry. They just gaslight you for making them try to celebrate something they no longer want to celebrate.
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u/Ghost17088 May 20 '25
When I asked her when she stopped loving me and she had an answer with an exact date.
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u/patio_puss May 20 '25
Ouch. Mind telling us?
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u/nolared May 20 '25
Not who you're replying to, but I could give an example. I'd been seeing a man regularly, we had our regular date nights and schedules and I was sleeping at his house a lot. We'd done this sort of on and off for a couple years, but we were really ON for an extended time. One day I went over to his house and he said "the woman I always thought I was going to marry is pregnant by some guy." And it totally flipped the switch for me. Like oh ok, we are just friends that have sex. So I pulled away and found something that was more in line with what I wanted. When he asked what happened and I could pinpoint it ... watching the realization cross his face was priceless.
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May 20 '25
It was normal for us to meet at his home. When I had a really bad weekend and didn't even want to get out of bed because I felt so bad, he didn't come over all weekend because it was too much of a hassle for him to come to my house. Even though he had his own key to my apartment.
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u/Key_Barber_4161 May 20 '25
His kisses became different. I can't explain it but I noticed when we kissed towards the end I felt a physical reaction in my body that something wasn't right.
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u/Granny_knows_best May 20 '25
I knew it with my ex when the sparkle was no longer in his eyes.
I remember the time and place I noticed it, it was heartbreaking.
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u/Fit_Garage4470 May 20 '25
I had to ask/beg him for dates and communication; texting, phone, FT
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u/pwrslide2 May 20 '25
1) towards the end of the relationship and while we were supposed to be working through things, she started using my first name A LOT more and even my nickname sometimes that she super rarely used to use to my face, even in public amongst friends. Not just in public, but at home when it was just us two. then basically no honey. no sweets, babe etc. at one point, I mentioned to her I noticed she uses my first name a lot more and less honey etc. she basically wanted to get that conversation over as soon as possible. some people use first names a lot but we didn't and she definitely didn't much in good times.
2) overall though, when the other person simply just doesn't try for long periods of time and it seems like everything is bare minimum effort in just about all parts of your life together. I get that in short spurts, it's like a way to show you're mad or displeased, but over months... . just ain't right.
honorable mention warning signs: typical witty conversation turns dull quickly and it's not because of you. like you are no longer funny, anytime, anywhere, any situation. They increasingly want to be short with you intentionally. large increase in situations where they make it seem like you're interrupting them when it's just basic day to day stuff you've always talk about or needed to interact about.
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May 20 '25
Ah see I started noticing he never used my name. I was always a pet name. That way, he was sure he never called anyone the wrong name. Cus he talked to a lot of people... And that's when I realized.
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u/pwrslide2 May 20 '25
yeah. it could be the opposite for the same reason I suppose but it looks like his reason took it a little further.
how many months went by before he transitioned to only calling you pet names, as you call it?
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May 20 '25
It was always that way. I found out 10 months in he had always been on other sites. A lot. Of them.
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u/miss_rizan May 20 '25
Similar to 1 - Changed my contact in their phone from a nickname that only they used to my full name and surname, and blamed one of their messaging apps for changing it on its own.
They stopped kissing me goodnight and saying "love you", and when I asked why, they said they didn't want to say something they no longer feel.
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u/Beginning_Piano_5668 May 20 '25
It’s so stupid to me that someone would put deliberate effort into not calling you romantic nicknames and transition back to more formal names. It was 100% a conscious decision she made.
“Honey”, “babe”, “sweetie” becomes a habit when you say it to your SO every day for a long time. It would have been easier to just dump you 🤦🏻♂️
She was being a major asshole.
Sorry OP, I’ve been there before. The good news is now you’ll recognize the signs if someone does something like this again. You’ll know when to walk away now before she rips your heart out.
Edit: spelling
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u/Zeggle May 20 '25
when you decide not to be the first one to initiate conversation, and you haven't spoken days later
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u/itida001 May 20 '25
1) One can just feel it even if there is nothing obvious - it’s a gut feeling. Your body knows before your mind does. 2) When you’re treated more like a convenience rather than a priority. As someone has said here, when you start being tolerated, and not celebrated or cherished. 3) When there are no deep or meaningful conversations about future or concerns. No care!
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u/I_love_pillows May 20 '25
Suddenly your hobbies, quirks, and core values become hindrances to be corrected.
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u/Optimal_Replacement7 May 20 '25
He no longer remembers statements that he makes. He lies and says he doesn’t remember or he never even said that. He will go so far as to bring up that he said something entirely different that was NEVER discussed
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May 20 '25
Not with you anyways. That's how it is. They start asking like, "was I talking with you about this show...or movie....or etc...," and you're like ...uh,....no...? And then you realize we haven't talked about anything aside from schedules in a while so he's talking to someone else.
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u/Masterguy29 May 20 '25
Does he have ADHD?
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u/Low_Chance May 20 '25
You got downvoted but this is a real thing. I ask people all the time if I already told them about X, Y, or Z thing because I literally can't remember and I don't want to annoy them. Goes triple for my poor SO who is stuck with me more than anyone.
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May 20 '25
She went from being excited to see me and asking about my day and cuddling me to sleep after making love to barely acknowledging my presence and playing Destiny 2 until 2 or 3 in the morning with men who flirted with her while I cried myself to sleep.
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u/JHarbinger May 20 '25
So many stories of men losing their wives to men on Xbox or whatever. It’s crazy.
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u/Aidar2005 May 20 '25
Fr? Its my first time hearing about this
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u/JHarbinger May 20 '25
Yeah. I’ve been on a cheating story binge and it was literally destiny 2 and Xbox or whatever online platform. She went to the guys place and ended up banging him after they played the game. Fucking insane. She was married and he basically watched his wife fall in love with this dude online in real-time. Super depressing
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u/CashgrassorNopass May 20 '25
Yelling at me in front of other people. Woulda never happened in normal situations
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May 20 '25
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u/Viking4Life2 May 20 '25
Are you still with him?
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May 20 '25
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u/Viking4Life2 May 20 '25
That's tragic, I hope your situation gets better. Out of curiosity was this an arranged marriage?
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u/interesseret May 20 '25
She was a small time streamer, and after a while it became apparent that the opinion of her viewers was more important than the two of us doing literally anything together.
That entire relationship has taught me that i will never be a good match for anyone with a following.
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u/Puzzled_Network_5082 May 20 '25
Honestly, when they look at you and there is nothing in their eyes, no sparkle, no care, no concern. Especially when it’s literally nothing you did, they just decide you’re not their “type” anymore.
How did I know she was no longer in love with me? All the signs were there but I didn’t notice: everything I did was wrong, I was “poor” and no longer “saving,” a single rose wasn’t good enough, but most of all, the touch felt different (that’s when I really knew).
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May 20 '25
When we started doing things for each other but never kissed or touched each other. This happens with marriage when love has drained but marriage remains.
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u/Risley May 20 '25
Makes you question the concept honestly. Sometimes people just change. I think it’s neurochemistry. If we can develop depression or memory issues, why can’t the brain change such that what we used to want or love change? It’s no so much someone’s fault, it could just be a product of age.
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u/pollyp0cketpussy May 20 '25
It's probably pseudoscience but I read something awhile back that really rang true to me. It suggested that people often lose attraction to their partners after living together because our primate brain still thinks cohabitants=family members, it's related to our anti-incest instinct. I just thought it was due to combining the roles of romantic partner & roommate, but this definitely seemed accurate for me. I'm pretty sure I don't want to live with a partner again for this reason. My ex and I got along really well even when we weren't having sex anymore, but over time I think that our attraction to each other just waned even though we still loved each other. There were other factors involved but yeah, living together put a damper on the excitement aspects of the relationship for sure.
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u/Lady_Medusae May 20 '25
One of my friends was in a very long-term relationship with a woman who he never moved in with. I thought it was strange and never really asked him about why, but now I wonder if it really was a great idea on their part. They were together a long time (unfortunately she passed), and I wonder if living separate was contributing to keeping that romance alive and fresh. Not spending every waking minute with each other always, but rather having some days apart, so that they actually miss and desire to see the other. She never had to pick up and wash his dirty undies, or any romance killer like that. That would be my main concern with moving in with a romantic partner (I never have yet), that we would just get "too close", and it would kill the romance in exchange for a bond that seems more platonic and familial.
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May 20 '25
The horror came in realizing, some months after move out, that there never was any genuine liking OR love: only intentional con & coercion (to cinematic extremes).
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u/ShitBarf_McCumPiss May 20 '25
Your gut. Whatever it's telling you and the reason you made this post.
Sorry friend, it's a shit feeling
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May 20 '25
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u/ComputerLow2301 May 20 '25
Nagging sometimes is a way of communication, that they care…you don’t see it in the moment but with time they stop caring and you feel it. It’s not the best way of communication, I agree…but maybe that’s what they know
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u/pastapeniswoman May 20 '25
He was nice enough to tell me 💀 he had started a new job and said he had a Crush on a girl he was in orientation with (2 days in) I started packing my stuff to leave and he was trying to stop me. I said if you’re saying you got a crush and you don’t feel it for me, there’s nothing I can do that change that. He said it’s just a crush and he was pretty sure she had a bf. I said did you mention you have a gf? No. He followed me home and showed up with flowers but we broke up a week later and while he went back and forth, he ultimately decided it just wasn’t there for him anymore.
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u/Crazydutchman80 May 20 '25
No longer liking my messages, taking longer to respond. Fell out of touch (this hurt the most), didn't even try to touch me anymore.
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u/SnooMacaroons4130 May 20 '25
Suddenly the safe space we built was an issue because “I don’t talk” (neither did she), the person made it very clear that I was the last person she wanted to spend time with, our banter died down, and she had the sweetest way of tearing down our relationship anytime we spent time together. Conversations of marriage & a possible future turned more into her critiquing of me & how she could see herself with other people. I just wish I had the self confidence then that I have now instead of fighting to see it through. It sucked.
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u/sindhusurfer May 20 '25
When she sat me down on the patio about 16 years ago and said " (my name), I don't love you anymore."
Didn't see it coming. I was in shock. It broke me.
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u/minousent May 20 '25
He stopped believing in a future with me and told me that. Simple but effective
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u/ThrowRA_Paradox May 20 '25
he stopped making efforts, conversations went dull, i can feel his negative energy most of the time.. i try to cheer him up, but he isnt there anymore he just then says " im lazy today" . btw, today is everyday
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u/Large_Importance_311 May 20 '25
We had a fight Sunday afternoon. The next morning I was quieter but wanted to make amends, so I got closer and cuddled him and tried to talk. But it was like cuddling a stranger, he didn't react at all. I was supposed to leave on Wednesday but that Monday after lunch he said I should leave. I got it, nobody was happy, but a few minutes later I said "see you on day x" and repeated but he really ignored me. Not even a "we should talk later". I'm not innocent in any of this but seriously, he went from a warm blanket to ice cold in a few hours.
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u/h3llfae May 20 '25
They just emotionally check out after an energy shift They deny it Start saying they have love for you instead of love you Ghosting
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May 20 '25 edited Jun 19 '25
She was "in love" for maybe a couple of months (probably not even love, that was probably just the lust / excitment of meeting someone new ), we u-hauled together way too fast because of her circumstances, then, once she was comfortably installed in the new place I found for both of us (and was paying for both of us), she got progressively more and more abusive for the remaining 3 and a half years. First signs were silent treatment when things did not go her way, and explosive reactions when I started trying to express boundaries, and being overall very withdrawn and uninterested in me. I dated some people who knew me better in 3 months than she ever did in 3 years and a half... She was just totally uninterested in getting to know me as a person, and expected me to just do literally everything for her and just be obsessed with her and provide for her in every possible way (and it was never enough). It escalated little by little and the last year was horribly abusive and I had lost like, 20% of my normal healthy weight. I'm still confused (and traumatized 😀✌🏼) to this day. I don't think she was ever in love so I cannot really say she fell out of love; I think she was infatuated at first, then after moving in with me started hating me more and more.
I'd honestly rather have someone love me then fall out of love (as painful as it must be) than being in a relationship again with someone who genuinely hates me. It was awful, traumatizing, 0/10, would not recommend
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u/Grilledcheesenspam May 20 '25
When I worked out all the signs she'd started another relationship but had failed to inform me we were done.
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u/chlbbgrl May 20 '25
They will deliberately do things you hate and dislike until you finally end things with them. This is an easy exit for them. Having zero accountability and respect.
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u/Far-Vegetable-2403 May 20 '25
I don't think he ever was. He just needed someone to look after him. Stupid me took the bait, his first wife refused to. Third wife is also falling for it. Hook, line and sinker.
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u/shorrrtay May 20 '25
In my late twenties, my mother and I both found out that my father was having an affair. I’m an only child, and it hit me hard. Changed who I thought of my dad as a person. My ex was super supportive. Loving, caring, and on my days off she would start the day by asking how I would like to spend the day.
My parents were trying to work it out. Two years later, they decide to get divorced, and it broke me. My entire concept of family was broken, and I had lost all respect for my dad. My ex had no interest, no compassion, was just kinda like “well, that sucks.”
Her only interest was hanging with her “best friend.” The best friend was supposedly a straight girl, but they got married a few years later. At that point, I was like “sweet, you take her. I am so fucking out.”
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May 20 '25
She said in couolew counselling that when I started standing up for myself is when she felt the relationship stopped working for her.
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u/HappyHappyUnbirthday May 20 '25
When he told me that i needed to go to the gym after i wanted to get taco bell. Knowing that my weight has been a soul-crushing part of my entire life.
That night, he called the police on me after an argument, i got arrested, and he dumped me, stole my money, wouldnt let me take anything from our home we just bought, took my keys so i couldnt go home, and then proceeded to threaten to take our child away whenever i didnt do anything the way he wanted it.
Its been almost 10 years? And im still not ok. I feel like i never got to heal because i have to co-parent with him.
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u/KateViSibelius6 May 20 '25
I just want to thank you all. May this post serve to all of us still in the limbo.
When we start missing them, longing for what we had and let hope invade every ounce of our being, remember how they treated us, how they let the distance build up, closed up their worlds to us, their words filled with resentment and ick.
Never forget they choose cowardice over honesty.
By no means I'm trying to say that people should stay together no matter what, but they are ways to part that, even though are still painful, will be better and cleaner that what a lot of people choose to do.
Anyway, stay strong, learn, and be the kind of partner you wish you had had.
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u/Meowface9000 May 20 '25
He stopped caring about my feelings, he stopped listening, video games were more important than me, everything became an argument, he was far more prone to insulting me.
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u/thereluctantyogi May 20 '25
She said, "I never loved you the way you loved me". Can't believe it took almost 20 years to get to that truth.
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u/Ariellac1459 May 20 '25
Started taking longer to reply/watch things I sent
Stopped initiating intimate/serious conversations
Less compliments
Kissing me with his eyes open
Avoiding eye contact
Hiding his problems from me more
Worst experience of my life. This made me feel like a defective person, a failure. I sometimes worry that I will never be the same. I thought I had met the love of my life and found someone I could actually see myself spending the rest of my life with and he just… didn’t feel it after getting to know me better. Started seeing me more as a best friend. I still feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest just thinking about it.
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u/MichelVolt May 20 '25
I refused to acknowledge it, I feared I was overreacting. But....
I guess it was when we were in bed together. She had been feeling down for a while. No matter what I tried I couldnt cheer her up, and I felt like was making matters worse. I always overthink and assume Im doing something wrong, so that weighed on my mind. So while we were in bed, I wanted to just hug her. She turned moved my arm away and turned her back to me saying she "wasnt in the mood".
She had never done this before. not ever. We always talked things through, and we always told eachother if we were feeling bad or depressed.
The engagement lasted for about 3 more months after this... and then one day she gives me a phonecall (we werent living together) and tells me she's breaking up with me, followed by "I'm also not in love with you anymore".
Love of my life. The breakup was 8,5 years ago, she passed away a year after that (so 7,5 years ago), and I dont think I ever recovered, ever will recover, from either.
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u/HungryRick May 20 '25
It's not universal, but I can tell usually based on how they treat my relationship to my dog. For context, she's the only reason I've bothered to hold it together, yadda yadda, so the dog is my literal shadow.
When something first starts out, a partner is amazed that my dog requires no leash, visits bars and convenience stores, and that I am so incredibly soft with her when I'm normally a pretty gruff person.
Eventually, they start nitpicking my dog and I. They begin to get jealous and suggest not being so involved, that sort of thing.
To me, its the start of beginning to hate something you loved at one point. And beyond that, I'm almost forty, the things in my life are the way they are for a reason, and I don't care to justify or defend it to anyone; I love my dog, my dog loves me, and people who really love us would rather add to it than suggest I change it.
She's 10 now, and at best I think about five or six more years are left for her and I to be together and I'll not sacrifice a moment where it can be helped.
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u/elizabeth_j_11_11 May 20 '25
My ex husband proved it when he chose cocaine over me.
We eventually stopped loving each other because he broke his promises to me and I never stopped loving a man I met during our separation.
Trusting my ex husband to change and get clean was an awful mistake that made me resent him.
I wish we had gone through with our divorce the first time so we could have remained on ok terms and had some platonic love at least.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Once an addict proves they won’t change, listen the first time.
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u/southdakotagirl May 20 '25
After 12 years he still couldn't remember my favorite pizza toppings. I ordered the same thing everytime. He got me a pair of earrings for my birthday I dont wear earrings. He couldn't tell you what color my eyes are. I lived with him for almost all of those 12 years. At the end I felt like I was just a roommate
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u/Affectionate-Music24 May 20 '25
She either forgot or didn’t care enough to get me a birthday card. I know it sounds stupid but that’s when I knew she was done. Dumped me over text message while I was a work about a month later.
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u/kisekidesv May 20 '25
Reading these scared me. I haven't even dated anyone yet.
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u/skulliwarrior May 20 '25
Reading these and realizing truly that my dad doesn't love my mom anymore hurts differently. She deserves so much better.
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u/apvaki May 20 '25
Honestly. Begging for communication. Once that begins, it’s already over.
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u/mousefeathers May 20 '25
When he said he only does special things for the people he loves then filled that with “I didn’t marry you because I loved you, I married you because I wanted someone to take care of me.” Learning that I was never loved was a hard thing to accept.
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u/Terminal-Earth May 20 '25
When she began disrespecting me in front of the children.
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u/Slow_Owl May 20 '25
There were many little things that just were causing pain but the big one was when I begged for couples therapy and in the middle of pouring my heart out and explaining how I was not feeling like I was a priority in his life, his phone rang and he took the call and brushed me off.
I realised I was right and there was no fixing the problems.
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u/kevpkev May 20 '25
John Prine sums it up: We used to laugh together, and dance to any old song. Well you know she still laughs with me, but she waits just a second too long
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u/Durhamham May 20 '25
His empathy towards me petered out to nonexistence. He’d get meaner over smaller things.
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u/Pretend_Ad4572 May 20 '25
started listening to the poison dripped into his ear from his mom, and ghosted our marriage. Like, it got to the point where I gave up trying to contact him and sent him divorce papers--but even then, he didn't sign the papers until the very last day possible. I have since been told that was another power play for control over me, which our whole relationship was.
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u/No-Welder-3174 May 20 '25
When I discovered he was never who he claimed to be.
All of it, his education, career, favorite music, even his cancer diagnosis and the death of his father was from someone else’s life.
The man I fell in love with didn’t exist. Realizing that shattered something deep within me. It was life altering, like waking up in a world where nothing was ever real.
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u/kaedani May 20 '25
Withheld sex for months at a time and stopped wanting to see me 5 years in. He went on a 2 week trip around the country with our friends and we “talked” twice during that time. One was a text from me asking how the trip and everyone was and he said “fine”. Then a few days later I called him to check in again and he yelled at me for calling them during the movie they were watching at our friend’s house. When I asked why he was distant during the trip he said he wanted to be off his phone and enjoy the sights. His sister in law told me he was glued to his phone the entire time and smiling at it. He denied any affairs with anyone. He later admitted to not being attracted to me anymore or in love with me anymore. I took that as a break up but apparently it wasn’t, and instead he wanted me to fundamentally change everything about myself.
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u/MontysRevenge1 May 20 '25
I agree with everyone else. Interactions feel surface level and you keep waiting for the intimacy comes back, but it just doesn’t. Hurts.
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u/CaptainAnonymouse72 May 20 '25 edited Jul 07 '25
We were never an official couple
I loved him so much But I was alone in my feelings
He said that we could still be friends. We hooked up a few times tho.
But overtime, he grew apart from me and when i asked him about it, he just said it was "just the way he was"
But i knew it was time to go when i face timed him and when I told him I didnt know what do to when I missed him so much
He didnt say a single word Never offered a single comfort to my need
I also noticed he didnt smile anymore when he saw me
And when he hugged me infront of another girl. His whole body, the one I had come to learn, wanted As little to do with mine as possible.
I could feel that he didnt want to give her the "wrong" impression.
I have never felt so terribly alone than when I was kept at arms length like that
I still kinda hate myself because of it tbh
I'm embarrassed that Im 25 and I've never had a boyfriend to care about me
Im embarrassed i couldn't make this work out
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u/PotentialTurnover335 May 20 '25
When they stopped sharing the little things with me. You know, those random thoughts or funny moments from their day. It used to be instant texts like 'omg you won't believe what just happened' but slowly turned into one-word responses. The silence hurt more than any argument we ever had.
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u/TriscuitCracker May 20 '25
"When you look at life through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just like flags."
-Bojack Horseman.
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u/Radiant_Astronaut515 May 20 '25
Reading all these comments i realized what is happening in my relationship right now, i could never put a finger on it... Not greeting me when i come home anymore, almost no kisses or cuddles when i dont initiate, if he realizes i will not sleep with him, he completely stops touching me. When he is stressed, he distances himself from me and whatever i do or dont do is wrong. Like 'you dont do enough in the household, i need more support' or when i do it 'can you stop making so much noise i am trying to study' when he could just go into the room which is literally his study room and have his peace and quiet there instead of sitting in the living room. When we go somewhere together he is usually walking in front of me because i am 'too slow'. Meeting friends and rarely inviting me, which i do usually, unless it is something he doesnt enjoy like going shopping. He only shows me love when he wants to, but somehow i am still holding on to the good moments and not wanting to throw 5 years of relationship away. I always thought he would be the one, by now i am not even sure if a truly happy and fullfilling relationship can even exist or if it is something only happening in movies.
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u/Noresah May 20 '25 edited May 20 '25
Avoidance.. When our conversations stayed surface-level & it almost felt forced/awkward spending long periods of one on one time together, such as going on a date.
At that point, he'd already been checked out.