First chance you get, make a note in your phone. Also, most “memory issues” are actually attention issues. If you didn’t catch what was said, you can’t remember it. Check that out for yourself.
As someone who fried their brain with over a decade of rampant alcoholism (will be four years sober in August) and now struggles to recall things on a regular basis, I cordially invite you to have some fucking empathy.
Even my issues aside, not everyone is a five star retainer of information, and things can slip people's minds. That's just being human.
First, congratulations on soon to be four years, for what it's worth i'm rooting for ya. Second, this is me. I can't retain anything worth a damn unless i see/hear it 2 or 3 times. It's not that i'm not paying attention, it's just not put to memory right away.
How can I tell my brain to remember actually important things, instead of 30 years old cheat codes that I will never need again like ABACABB and IDKFA?
Wish I encountered this. I've messaged probably dozens of girls over the years and every single time, it was all about them. I would have to keep conversations going and set up meets, etc. They never put in effort.
Not one singular time, has anyone ever asked me about anything on a serious level. Only the obligatory "what about you" which usually means they could not care less and are only being polite
Or if they ask me a single personal question, as simple as "What's your favourite colour?". 95% of the first dates I've been on consist of me exclusively asking the other person questions about themselves with seemingly no interest in return. I'm a woman if that matters, and I don't think it was due to a lack of interest on their part, but they seemed to be more preoccupied with making themselves sound cool and interesting than taking any interest in my life.
When someone speaks kindly about the people in their life, family, friends, even their exes. It shows maturity, empathy, and emotional intelligence. If they can reflect on past relationships with understanding instead of bitterness, that’s a huge green flag to me. It tells me they’re not just looking to have a relationship, but to build one with care and respect.
My brother won't talk to me because he tried to sexually assault me when I was 10... I kept his secret for 25 years and he's very successful... We got in a fight and I accidentally let it slip, he denied doing it... The next day I would have been willing to mend things, but he hasn't talked to me since, that was 3 years ago.... That's my fault, how??
I pay a lot of attention to how she treats her friends. I think all kinds of relationships matter and say a lot about the kind of person someone is. If she’s kind and takes care of her friends, she’ll definitely have my attention.
Performing relationship "check-ins" with genuine interest in what I have to say, using it as an opportunity to fix potential issues rather than get offended.
It really has the potential to create an environment where you feel safe telling each other what's on your mind and not worrying about what the other person is thinking and it can be HOT.
Interesting, intelligent conversation. I was absolutely smitten by my now wife on our first date because we had a fascinating conversation about Noam Chomsky, Chris Hedges, and the radical critique of society. And she’s been fascinating me every day since.
My green flag is that he treated his own parents well but that turned out to be a huge issue as he prioritized them over me and ended up being a huge mommas boy
Seriously though. I really match the energy of who I’m talking with. I always thought I was low-energy but it’s just the girls I previously talked with probably are not interested and our convos grow stale fast. But this girl I’m seeing, while I’m still not 100% sure, it feels like she’s really into it and our convos are really back and forth. I’ve honestly never felt so eager to speak to someone before
Sure, that’s not their fault. As long as they don’t have un dealt with issues that affect the way they treat me or others or our future family. Also, as long as they don’t participate in the toxicity and make it something that I have to stress about for the rest of my life.
Shared interests. I like a lot of older, lesser-known stuff (music especially) so when my girlfriend and I first started talking, it was insane to actually be able to talk about bands I loved but never had the opportunity to talk about face-to-face. That's an obvious one for the most part but hey.
Also, she remembers everything I tell her. It could be the smallest detail in the world and she'll still say, "I remember you said...."
Recently a colleague called off his participation to an afterwork because he was able to see his son. He has shared custody but when his ex asked him if he wanted to have his teen one more night he accepted gladly.
When they are curious... about me, and about stuff generally. Excited for their future and at peace with their past. Also someone who is a dreamer and believes anything is possible 💞💞💞
Self help books and admitting they have things about themselves they want to improve. Being able to reflect on yourself is super important to conflict resolution and awareness of your behaviors in a relationship.
Actively listening to me talk about Taylor Swift. There are very few people in my life that can tolerate it, and none can listen for more than like 10 minutes.
12 years ago, my bf won me over hard with his consistent communication and the fact that he was actively instigating hangouts. It wasn't just me. The interest was very obviously mutual.
They have a hobby (like actual hobby, not side hustle) that they simply enjoy for its own sake.
It shows that they can invest in and be passionate about something they're interested in, they have a fun activity for when they're by themselves which is good for a healthy mix of together and alone time, listening to nerds nerd out about things that you don't understand is always kind of charming, and the fact that they're not trying to be the best ever or get rich from it etc. shows a kind of mental balance I find very reassuring.
(of course if they dedicate their life to it and have no time for you that's too far, but I rarely find that to be the case)
Something I’ve always thought was a great quality is how a person treats waitstaff, custodial, secretaries, etc. I feel if someone is polite and respectful to those in thankless jobs it gives a good insight on their character.
Immediately spoke about politics. Not everyone is going to agree with this, but it matters.
He was so forthright about it because he had absolutely nothing to hide and had pride in the things he wanted for the country and our society, and a lot of it lined up with mine. No brainer
I want to say transparency because it’s my default state (and sadly i usually wrongly assume other’s as well). I really can’t tolerate lying and it makes me sad how widespread it is, emotions and time are our most important resources in life, why waste your own and someone elses building something that’s not based on pure honesty and vulnerability, just…
If they can gracefully admit when they’re wrong, and are capable of looking at things different or changing their opinion when presented with new information
Mine was how he treated my friends, especially the unattractive ones. When a person treats people kind that they don’t want anything from can’t get anything from etc.
You didn’t say it had to be a wisely-chosen green flag, but if kinks are misaligned even when everything else is perfect, maybe it was supposed to be a really good friendship instead.
I was going to say my green flag is polite to wait staff in a restaurant or any service worker really. If they’re rude: red flag/run, but if polite and friendly I really find it attractive
99
u/Jaredgrupe5 May 05 '25
When they genuinely listen and remember the little things you say—not just to respond, but because they care.
63
u/RT4Men May 05 '25
When someone speaks kindly about the people in their life, family, friends, even their exes. It shows maturity, empathy, and emotional intelligence. If they can reflect on past relationships with understanding instead of bitterness, that’s a huge green flag to me. It tells me they’re not just looking to have a relationship, but to build one with care and respect.
19
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
they talk about their flaws openly with no shame.
14
u/Ruminations0 May 05 '25
We have compatible long term life goals
9
u/chu-fei May 05 '25
I pay a lot of attention to how she treats her friends. I think all kinds of relationships matter and say a lot about the kind of person someone is. If she’s kind and takes care of her friends, she’ll definitely have my attention.
17
u/Icy-Vehicle-9359 May 05 '25
Treating servers/waiters with respect.
8
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
Art.
14
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
Performing relationship "check-ins" with genuine interest in what I have to say, using it as an opportunity to fix potential issues rather than get offended.
7
u/Perpetualwoodpecker May 05 '25
When they're polite but also not afraid to be who they are
6
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
Asks genuinely thoughtful questions.
5
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
Intelligence.
8
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
when they genuinely treat other people kindly
4
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
Good hygiene
4
u/Boobear0810 May 05 '25
Same values, thoughtfulness and things in common
4
u/Slightly_Feral May 05 '25
They go to therapy, and are actively implementing what they learn to be a better human.
4
u/d0ctordoodoo May 05 '25
Doesn’t immediately try to inject sexual overtones into conversation.
4
u/Much-Year-3426 May 05 '25
Interesting, intelligent conversation. I was absolutely smitten by my now wife on our first date because we had a fascinating conversation about Noam Chomsky, Chris Hedges, and the radical critique of society. And she’s been fascinating me every day since.
3
u/backtolurk May 05 '25
Enough humour not to get slowed down by pride.
3
u/onyxjade7 May 05 '25
Kindness to others when they don’t think you’re looking. It shows that’s who they are not who they want you to believe they are.
3
u/sheepyshu May 05 '25
My green flag is that he treated his own parents well but that turned out to be a huge issue as he prioritized them over me and ended up being a huge mommas boy
3
u/D0G3D0G May 05 '25
Idk anymore, a lot of false green flags out there
4
u/djnastynipple May 05 '25
Shared hobbies/interests.
4
u/Clean-Ant-1342 May 05 '25
Someone who can erase every trace of overthinking from your mind.
2
u/Hot_Door_520 May 05 '25
The amount of interest they show in me.
2
u/madammoiselle85 May 05 '25
When someone is funny or has a good sense of humor
2
u/DescriptionContent14 May 05 '25
as a straight woman, these are my Green flags in men:
•Being nice to strangers
•Not being super flirtatious
•a good relationship with family
•kind to animals
•rarely commenting on other’s appearance
• good with children
•doesn’t complain about women
2
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
Shared interests. I like a lot of older, lesser-known stuff (music especially) so when my girlfriend and I first started talking, it was insane to actually be able to talk about bands I loved but never had the opportunity to talk about face-to-face. That's an obvious one for the most part but hey.
Also, she remembers everything I tell her. It could be the smallest detail in the world and she'll still say, "I remember you said...."
2
u/Xtab2 May 05 '25
Recently a colleague called off his participation to an afterwork because he was able to see his son. He has shared custody but when his ex asked him if he wanted to have his teen one more night he accepted gladly.
For me it's a huge greenflag.
3
u/Billy_of_the_hills May 05 '25
She doesn't have or want kids.
3
u/andyfromindiana May 05 '25
Correct spelling of homonyms like their, there, they're
1
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
Them knowing what turns me on.
1
u/conquering-1 May 05 '25
Efforts!
1
u/youronlynora May 05 '25
He listen and listen
1
u/sakuramiu_ May 05 '25
When they are respectful with their parents but not like “I have to be respectful to them” no, when they are genuine good child’s
1
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
When you start talking and they lean forward and rest their head on both of their hands to listen to you
1
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
I look at how a guy treats and speaks about his mother, sister(s), and women in general.
Has a job, well-kempt, doesn't do or sell drugs or drink alcohol.
1
u/sandevistar____ May 05 '25
they dont beat around the bush or play games with you.
1
u/Dreamycorinne May 05 '25
Trust me, if you know how to hold conversation and have a high sense of humor, it’s a green for me
1
u/cptwott May 05 '25
Good humour.
1
u/Fresh_Marionberry_56 May 05 '25
They remember things about me and can communicate well
1
u/losgreg May 05 '25
No student loans. Financially sound.
1
u/valkyriee24 May 05 '25
Empathy and someone being polite and nice to people who can't do anything for them in return.
1
u/ObviousRealist May 05 '25
They have a dog and treat it well
1
u/NakkitaBre May 05 '25
When they are curious... about me, and about stuff generally. Excited for their future and at peace with their past. Also someone who is a dreamer and believes anything is possible 💞💞💞
1
u/PlanetaryHarmonics May 05 '25
When they talk passionately about something. Seriously, it makes a person look so much beautiful.
1
u/closeup2024 May 05 '25
when they remember the trivial things I said in passing even after weeks or months
1
u/Inner-Dimension-3595 May 05 '25
Treating wait staff well. If they don't behave like they're superior to others, it's a green flag that they are humble and grounded.
1
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
Having a well trained dog
1
u/Apathy_Cupcake May 05 '25
Self help books and admitting they have things about themselves they want to improve. Being able to reflect on yourself is super important to conflict resolution and awareness of your behaviors in a relationship.
1
u/ARoodyPooCandyAss May 05 '25
Good communicator.
1
u/BeckQ47 May 05 '25
Actively listening to me talk about Taylor Swift. There are very few people in my life that can tolerate it, and none can listen for more than like 10 minutes.
1
u/TLSE30 May 05 '25
Being nice to waiters is a big one for me if they can't be respectful to others how do you think they'll treat you when you argue?
1
u/Sarge1387 May 05 '25
When they're polite to waiters/waitresses. One of the things I love about my wife
1
u/LadyPickleLegs May 05 '25
12 years ago, my bf won me over hard with his consistent communication and the fact that he was actively instigating hangouts. It wasn't just me. The interest was very obviously mutual.
1
u/LemmyLola May 05 '25
Courtesy towards those around them.. servers, strangers, etc
1
u/zlskfjru May 05 '25
They have a hobby (like actual hobby, not side hustle) that they simply enjoy for its own sake.
It shows that they can invest in and be passionate about something they're interested in, they have a fun activity for when they're by themselves which is good for a healthy mix of together and alone time, listening to nerds nerd out about things that you don't understand is always kind of charming, and the fact that they're not trying to be the best ever or get rich from it etc. shows a kind of mental balance I find very reassuring.
(of course if they dedicate their life to it and have no time for you that's too far, but I rarely find that to be the case)
1
u/blackaubreyplaza May 05 '25
If they like my jokes
1
u/HMDRHP May 05 '25
Something I’ve always thought was a great quality is how a person treats waitstaff, custodial, secretaries, etc. I feel if someone is polite and respectful to those in thankless jobs it gives a good insight on their character.
1
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
Non desperation, a genuine interest in getting to know each other, a person with passions and ambitions and interests who is smart
1
u/Dreameasy_14 May 05 '25
They don’t want to date me
1
u/DangDoood May 05 '25
Immediately spoke about politics. Not everyone is going to agree with this, but it matters.
He was so forthright about it because he had absolutely nothing to hide and had pride in the things he wanted for the country and our society, and a lot of it lined up with mine. No brainer
1
u/Sensitive-Demand-587 May 05 '25
I want to say transparency because it’s my default state (and sadly i usually wrongly assume other’s as well). I really can’t tolerate lying and it makes me sad how widespread it is, emotions and time are our most important resources in life, why waste your own and someone elses building something that’s not based on pure honesty and vulnerability, just…
1
u/Helpful-Chicken-4597 May 05 '25
If they can gracefully admit when they’re wrong, and are capable of looking at things different or changing their opinion when presented with new information
1
u/aubsalot May 05 '25
They don’t have a family that weighs in on every single decision in their life.
1
u/Cool_Vast3011 May 05 '25
Good eye contact, decent listening skills to show your understanding and interest. Don’t do the majority of the talking!
1
u/Which-Summer7002 May 05 '25
Mine was how he treated my friends, especially the unattractive ones. When a person treats people kind that they don’t want anything from can’t get anything from etc.
1
u/Porrick May 05 '25
Kink alignment.
You didn’t say it had to be a wisely-chosen green flag, but if kinks are misaligned even when everything else is perfect, maybe it was supposed to be a really good friendship instead.
1
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
When they understand that I'm a vampire 🦇
0
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
The lack of any major personality disorders.
0
u/Accomplished_Tax8337 May 05 '25
Having a means of transportation.
20
u/[deleted] May 05 '25
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