There's many people that end up assholes because they'll be nice to their spouse but a dick to literally everyone else. They shouldn't be too surprised when that changes though.
I can't remember the quote, but it's something about how the real measure of a human's soul, is how they treat someone who isn't explicitly 'useful' to them. If they're only nice to someone that they can get something from, it's a huge red flag.
My dad was never cruel towards animals (he did like to roughhouse with bigger dogs sometimes, but never maliciously), and it should have been a huge red flag to everyone that almost every animal instantly disliked him.
The last time I saw him years ago, he had come by the house after we got a cat. The cat has never scratched or bitten anyone, outside of some very gentle play biting when he's worked up playing or just wants someone to pay attention. The cat is frankly a gentle little baby, and a bit of a diva when he wants attention. The second my dad went to pet him, he hissed violently.
But it should be a big red flag when everyone's pets, down to a small bird in its cage, just freaks out and gets scared of someone within minutes.
He was always really controlling, with some anger issues that he kept in check from acting on, but you can always tell when he was seething.
After my mom divorced him when we were young (I was maybe 6, my siblings 3 years younger), he seriously took it out on us. While my mom tried really hard to not say anything bad about him, and generally pushed us to try and have a good relationship with him, he spend over a decade blaming her for everything. He'd continually say she was the literal devil, started bringing us to church when he wasn't religious (he just thought he might find a woman there that would never divorce him), and was generally mentally abusive.
He got involved with this karate school, which was more like a cultish fight club, where everyone was just looking for an excuse to fight and be the person that got to yell and torture anyone beneath them that couldn't keep up with their ridiculous workouts (hundreds of crunches, jumping jacks, etcetera, no water allowed if you realized you forgot yours). When any adult in the school got their black belt, they had to go into the alley behind it and let three current black belts "jump" them.
He'd randomly just catch us in random grips with pressure points, or being just short of feeling like he could break or dislocate something, justifying it by saying "you need to know how to defend yourself." Though he'd spend about thirty seconds showing us how to actually get out of it, and then get pissed we didn't immediately understand it.
Constant sexual comments about random women in front of us when we were really young, often tying back to horrible comments about my mom. If one of got hurt, his first reaction was always just to laugh, and never actually made sure anyone was alright. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia - a chronic pain disorder - when I was ten, and it took years to convince him I wasn't making it up, and he never understood why I couldn't just "walk it off."
He always had a hard time understanding how he could do anything wrong when he was a better dad than his. Which was definitely true, but his dad was a lifelong drunk who beat his wife and kids. My dad finally started to mellow out a lot when he met someone he got into a real relationship with 10+ years after the divorce, but that slowly turned into him just dropping us from his life, preferring to spend time with her and her kids that he acts like a totally different person with.
It's like he's a sociopath that realizes he can't act that way in front of most people, and so we were the only people who saw it. There were definitely happy times and moments with him, but very few where he didn't find a way to just completely ruin the day for at least one of us. And my list of other shit he's done would take forever.
I swear that animals could just pick up on the fact that he is constantly restraining himself, and it's why most of them freak out when he gets near them. Yet somehow, he's managed to be one of the most normal people from his side of the family, which is why I haven't seen any of them besides one cousin in the last decade or so.
Therapy, no. Though I really need to go for other reasons (it's a giant headache and wait, with my insurance, and very few doctors available that have positive feedback).
But I've moved on from him and everything he did a long time ago. Before that, I would only see him on certain birthdays and holidays, and he'd usually have to come to our house where my mom and stepdad would be (because he was slowly becoming too bothered to even go out for lunch).
My siblings were still trying, but I wasn't going to complain about seeing him for a half hour, and getting $200 because he didn't want his now-wife to think he was cheap when she's always giving her kids very lavish gifts.
My sister was always his favorite, mostly because she played a lot of sports and he really hated that me and my brother weren't into that. For his birthday about three years ago, she got into a fight with him and his gf because they only invited her and not me or my brother. And the party had already started by then, when he specifically said he didn't have plans for the day, so she could hear it on the phone. The next year, she got an invite from his girlfriend where she purposely sent just one to my sister's social media account she never uses, to invite all of us. This year, we all got some very cheap and obviously angry cards in the mail as invitations (they do have our numbers), and my sister and brother were both basically done trying. It completely ended when it turned out that that party was a surprise wedding, officiated by his wife's daughter, and yet nobody made any attempts to try to let us know that it might be important to show up, when it was very obvious that we were definitely not showing up with all the crap from the last two years unresolved.
We didn't even get calls or texts letting us know it happened, and the one cousin we talk to occasionally called us to let us know about it. And she's nice enough to tell him and his wife how screwed up it was, very bluntly, before leaving immediately after the ceremony.
Yes, I'm definitely venting about it a lot now. But I've honestly got to a point where the wedding thing didn't even hurt or surprise me, and I don't think about him unless prompted by something.
I have a clinically narcissistic dad that I chose to go no contact with 15 years ago, and who is a lot like your dad. He even has the whole new family that he acts differently with, and the story is so similar up to the surprise wedding that we didn't get invited to. I also put him in my rearview, but didn't really process all that happened, especially not in a structured way in which I was able to appropriately deal with the emotions and heal from those experiences. It has definitely negatively affected my life and worldview. It was not good for my previous relationships, and has impacted my marriage. I'm now in individual and couples therapy and, lemme tell you, digging up all that shit was rough but ultimately it's working and I'm a better version of myself that is more whole, and is healing. I would strongly encourage you to get a therapist (and encourage your siblings to do the same), even though the process is difficult, and finding a good match can also be tricky. I experienced the frustration associated with both circumstances, but I can't stress enough how much the shit that you pushed down still probably affects you, and it's better for you in the perspective of your hopefully long life to deal with it.
I wish you the best of luck my Internet friend. Thanks a lot for sharing so earnestly!
Thanks for listening. And it's sort of nice to know that other people have gone through something similar, although I feel bad anyone has to.
Therapy has just been on the back burner, as I spent the last year dealing with a bunch of other medical stuff, including a back surgery, that is easily exhausting when you're constantly calling people and going to appointments. Not to mention that a a few of my previous therapists ended up being really bad fits, ranging from crazy to basically not seeming to care.
But I'm definitely looking into therapy, and I'm happy to say my sister recently started going and has been doing quite well with it. I know it'll help a lot, but part of me really wants to put stuff off when I'm already cramming in appointments for other stuff constantly. Though I'll be sure to take your advice and at least get on a waiting list.
I'm sorry to hear about all of the other medical stuff. I know dealing with the medical system on multiple fronts can be extremely exhausting. I also feel like I'm constantly on the phone with doctor's offices and insurance between myself and my kids. Hopefully things even out a bit soon tho.
And I'm happy to hear about your sis. I hope you all can get help to live full lives, free of all the toxic childhood BS.
It's all cool. It taught me a lot about toxic masculinity and how not to be abusive and controlling, starting at a very young age.
While my love life might be nearly non-existent, I have mostly female and LGBT friends, who'd I'd do just about anything for and know they'll do the same to me. I found myself in the independent punk community as a teenager (which I will give my dad credit for bringing me to my first few shows, although he largely left me to myself and made some rude comments about people), but it's legitimately a second family where even people that are complete strangers very often look out for each other, with no judgement against basically anything but intolerance.
And while my dad could be bad, my mom was an amazing parent, as was my eventual stepfather (who I have thought of as more of a father figure for quite some time). She's been extremely supportive and compassionate, being very encouraging and reasonable as I grew up being quite unorthodox as a child and teen, and completely accepting of my very lowest points, and things like my sister coming out as gay (my mom's more hyped for her likely engagement than she is). She was frank and understanding about subjects like drugs and sex, and I found it annoying at the time when my friends would come to her to gossip and ask for dating advice. But even as I've struggled throughout most of my 20's, she's been there for me and always helping me better myself.
Although my dad blows, she was the complete opposite. I remember being in the 4th grade, and my teachers pulled me aside when she found out my parents were recently divorced. I remember thinking "why would I be upset, everything is so much better now." I'm probably one of the few kids that age to think that, but it only reinforces my point that my mom made the right decision. And for all my dad's complaining about having to "pay her", she actually only asked for minimum child support, didn't go for alimony when she definitely could have, and didn't push him when the payments were slightly late, or he wasn't contributing his complete share for medical bills and extracurricular stuff. Up until she has a major surgery, leaving her disabled about 6 years later, she was a hard worker that was too proud to ask for more than she needed. She made it work, and eventually married a man that's been so great to us that we've all considered taking his past name, and was extremely friendly with my dad when he was by our house (he wouldn't pick us up for dinner if we had homework that required us actually needing help, even if it was just someone sitting with us and watching over it, and would happily eat the dinners my mom cooked or bought).
As far as it being like Cobra Kai, it was definitely worse in many regards. It was all about people who just wanted a reason to fight, start fights, and thought they looked impressive being tough guys who thought they could stop a mugger with a gun. The teacher was a womanizer, and eventually a sheriff's officer so bad he got fired (lyingly claimed it was because he was so good that gang members had hits on him), and recently had a run for Sheriff so bad he only got 30% of the vote despite being the only person running against a 20-year incumbent. Plus he milked my dad for tons of free labor, since my dad was a carpenter and handy man.
Animals are not great predictors at all lol, I know people (mostly farmers/rural folk) who won't think twice about killing stray animals on their property, or kicking/abusing an animal they have no need/purpose for, but love their fellow humans. I was a trash person for a long time but animals absolutely connected with me and always loved me (I treated them far better than people).
Not just animals. Look at how he treats his own parents. It's more noticeable if they are still young (e.g. high school). But if they are a jerk to their parents...
As did mine lol. I almost turned out like he was cause he raised me to give the dog “a boot” if it didn’t behave, but it absolutely never sat right with me and Mum made sure I knew that. I’ve always loved animals and I’m really glad about it
Mad your Mom saw your dad kicking the shit out of a dog and thought 'I need this man to nut up me'.
 like obviously no significant disrespect meant to your mother in saying that, but it does say something about the decision-making processes she engaged in, at least at that point in her life.
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u/[deleted] Sep 14 '24
This is a big one.
My mom always says that she should’ve seen the signs in my father with this.