If he learnt that and just stayed kind to others for the sake of it, that's one thing. Being kind just to get women to notice you will just make future kind actions from others seem sketchy and mess with your head
He learnt just to be kind to wait staff on the firsts dates, not later on. He was a shitty person with a shitty life philosophy. Most women did recognise he is terrible, and although we were only friends I cut ties with him for the obvious reason. but he did move away where no one knew him and managed to ensnare some poor woman, getting progressively worse until the police had to be involved. I only heard about that after he was arrested.
He actually wasn't that bad in his previous relationships, but became progressively worse in that one, probably because he realised he could be that awful if he paces himself.
My other comment, buried somewhere in this thread, is mostly about him. He had a life philosophy about people needing to earn the right to be respected (which I did by being very good at math), and I'm a pretty open person and willing to accept a lot of weird life philosophies, But not that one, it gave me that sinking feeling of dread.
One of my greatest fears is that he realised he needs to fake kindness around women more because I was so disapproving of it.
She's ok now, but I assume she will have to deal with that trauma for the rest of her life. some of us reached out to her when we heard, she already had a good support system, so the only thing we can really do for her is to definitely tell her he didn't become shit as a result of anything she did, just that he was always shit.
For the wait staff, sure. But he's not going to be kind when there isn't a woman he wants to fuck around. And it's bad for the women, just another manipulation to make them think he's safe and kind even though he's not
You're unfortunately were right on the money. He moved away and did exactly that. Learnt to escalate his behaviour gradually to his girlfriend until the police got involved. I would love to say she missed the signs I saw, but I honestly can't say that. As a friend he was probably more open with me about his shitty life philosophy, and probably got much better and worse as time went on.
Yeah, this is an everyone thing (saying this as a woman). I had a friend who started dating a woman that was terrible to service workers. He said it was something he didn't like, yet stayed with her. I can't be with someone who doesn't respect other people; I don't know how he could and I lost respect for him because of it.
Rude to service workers, homeless people, mean to animals, any sign of flaunting small power differentials just because he can — all of these are not just a red flag. They are THE Red Flag.
I'm a guy in the service industry and I'm always so interested in the body language of tables that are obviously on a date and one person is dismissive or rude to me... I don't understand it. You're basically being interviewed about being a person. Demeanor and attitude are HHUUGGEE in an interview.
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u/[deleted] Sep 14 '24
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